...until somebody loses an eye!

Fun and Games with the #spinnwebe crowd


Kittens! On Fire!! by Mark Rosenfelder

Other #spinnwebe pages :

Last modified : June 30, 2004

<tieboy> People who don't want to trouble you end up troubling you more because they don't want to trouble you.
<tieboy> "Where's Mike?" "I'm not sure. I can radio him." "No, no, that's okay. I just need to find him. No idea where he is?" "Probably on the site. I can radio him." "No, no, don't. Any idea where on the site?" "Well, I can radio him to find out. "Don't, don't. When will he be back?" "I DON'T KNOW PLEASE LET ME RADIO HIM FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH" "No, no, that's fine. When did he leave?"

<me_tew> So Lita is pregnant by either Kane or Matt Hardy.
<tieboy> it's spelled "Lida" and she's pregnant by zomp
<zompist> and don't you forget it
<zwit> Congratulations, zomp.
<zwit> Truly, your sperm are motile.
<tieboy> he got her so pregnant she's giving birth to uhh... can't finish joke
<zompist> i don't think the finnish joke's been on lately
<zwit> something about baby-talk and conlangers
<zwit> anyway. How many months along is she?
<SeanQ> you knocked up the old lady? how'd I miss that announcement?
* tieboy sits back and puts his feet up on the desk, his work done
<SeanQ> congrats on your virility, fertility, and gentility
<tieboy> zomp is so virile that when he jerks off, there's a kid there in the morning
<babich> ties so virile that when he jerks off, you know there was a kid there to begin with
<zompist> now tie know why i insisted on using a condom with him
<zwit> he's smaller than your individual sperm?
<zwit> do you know the fetus's gender?
<Freyja> whoah wait a minute here
<Freyja> who's got a fetus?
<Freyja> zomp's got a bun in the oven?
<zompist> i'm just playing along till i get gifts
* babich sends zomp a fetus in the mail.
* tieboy sends zomp wooden blocks with made-up letters on them
<zompist> please to be accessing the kid's amazon wishlist, conveniently listed under both his or her english and verdurian names
<tieboy> "Awww... his first word was "blijf ik"

<Lore> I don't like how Amazon has a link to "The Page You Made."
<Lore> I feel like I'm being blamed for something.

<Freyja> yeah I gotta say I like the darker stuff myself.
*** mdxi has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to <Freyja> yeah I gotta say I like the darker stuff myself.
* Freyja sighs
<Freyja> gimme uncut black monster cock, all night long, that's totally what I meant
<tieboy> I like my black monster cock cut, personally
<Freyja> oh good, no fighting then.
<tieboy> otherwise sometimes the foreskin will slip up and deflect some of the hot jizz away from my upturned face
<zompist> timing is important, tho'
<Freyja> monster cocks, please form two single files according to state of foreskin
<zompist> if you're using the same black monster, frey goes first, then you can bring on the knife
<tieboy> maybe 1/2 cut will come into vogue
<Freyja> heh, decorative patterns
<Freyja> a nice scalloped edge
<zompist> nike logo
<Samwise> teeth
<tieboy> like the end of a sleeve, with a slit and a button so you can roll it up on fridays
<Freyja> ohh, I love a man who can wear cufflinks
<Leth> then you'll get all the hispanic kids ricing them up, tassles along the edges, hydraulics...
<Freyja> oh jesus. Neon.
<Freyja> cock mods, little window on the side so you can see how he replaced his plain urethra with a cool glow-in-the-dark rounded cable
<Leth> the front end bouncing up and down to a beat as you approach
<Freyja> I thought that came standard

<babich> crap, Gatorade now has 5 different flavors for every color. I thought I grabbed Grape, but I got Frost: Cascade Crash (EXTREME! ESPN25 Limited Edition) which tastes like elephant colon
<babich> to be fare, it tastes like EXTREME! elephant colon, so I don't really feel cheated.
<Leth> I take pride in not being able to compare anything with the taste of an elephant's ass
<babich> I like to think that I've broadened my horizons as a youth
<zompist> hey rave! can you do a quick check of the logs to see if leth ever compared something to the taste of elephant ass?
<tieboy> tough search. leth + elephant + ass could bring up hits on logs he wasn't even participating in

<jacquilyn> I'm reading quotes and I can't decide if I've read these quotes before or if I just reemmer the original conversations.
<Kyol> You were just psychically tuned into the channel.
* Samwise puts a thought in jacqi's head
<tieboy> "Sources familiar with Jaquilyn's thoughts determined she would ask that question."
<jacquilyn> Damn, I thought I was psychically tuned into the fern. You mean that was one of you who kept repeating 'please don't let the dog pee on me' over and over again?
* SeanQ raises tieboy's hand

<me_tew> Barbie has a new love interest, an Austrailian surfer named Blaine.
<AliasN> Blaine? Blaine?! That's not a name, that's a major appliance!
<AliasN> sorry, Pretty in Pink flashback
<Leth> Australian surfer is slang for vibrator, maybe?
<me_tew> That could work, Leth.
<me_tew> "Beach living Cali Girl(TM) style wouldn't be complete without a summer romance, and Blaine(TM), the suave new Aussie surfer in the group, caught more than a few waves when he snagged Barbie(R) doll's attention. With a mature character and worldly, seasoned surfing style, Blaine(TM) doll is giving America's surfer girl some tips and tricks from international waters."
<AliasN> Barbie is such a total ho-bag

<tieboy> There is an odor in the breakroom. There is also a lot of bags without names on them, so would everyone please check and see if they might have something that is spoiling. Thank you Betty
<raven> "Or, you know...DAVE, if you could perhaps bathe."
<SeanQ> "Dear Betty. that smell is not in the break room, It is following you around in your pants. Please check to see if you have anything in your pants that is beyond its expiration date"
<SeanQ> "Kisses, Chris"
<me_tew> "I am offended that you consider my ethnic foodstuffs 'spoiled'. Please consider that not all cultures consider Big Macs as an appropriate odor. Thank you Zimb(click)lalon"

<Lore> I like his Harry Potter dream. I can just imagine the Sorting Hat yelling "DORKULOS! HOUSE DORKULOS FOR YOU!"
<tieboy> the sorting hat.
<tieboy> the sorting hat must get real fucking bored except for that one day a year
<tieboy> I wonder if they use if for other things, like groceries. "The Crisper! The Endive shall go in the Crisper!
<tieboy> "Side pocket! Three ball in Side Pocket!"
<Lore> "ANAL! ANAL!"
<tieboy> "In the basket! It puts the lotion in the basket!"
<Lore> Maybe he serves as a filter for owl spam.
<tieboy> it would be kinda funny if he never shut up. Hat: "Your Socks go into the Sock Drawe-" Dumbledore: "Yeah I fucking GOT IT take a BREAK"
<tieboy> "I do definitely NOT go into the hamper with the jockstraps from the Quidditch match! Definitely not mpgphhlpph mgpphgghh"
<Lore> Do they wear jockstraps in Quidditch?
<Lore> That seems unwizardly.
<Lore> You'd think they'd just use the Testiculus Impenetrabilis spell.
<tieboy> enchanted jockstraps?
<Lore> No thanks, I just ate.

<Lore> I don't thinkt he mob is likely to have their fingers in your job specifically.
<Lore> "That's a nice keyboard. Shame if something were to happen to it."
<zompist> i think noblesse oblige would kick in
<zompist> "aw, dat's a shit job you got dere. here, have a cigar. on me."
<Lore> What IS your job, Chris?
<Lore> We know it pays well enough to afford a used Volvo.
<SeanQ> we also know it's in a trailer
<tieboy> I'm a document control something or other
<tieboy> I type and file and copy and log
<SeanQ> Deck Chair Shuffler, HMS Titanic
<raven> are construction guys big on documentation?
<raven> because I'd trade some admins for a guy who can write docs...
<tieboy> they are bigger on documentation than any other type of business I've worked for
<AliasN> they're in court a lot, is my guess
<Lore> Huh.
<SeanQ> also must be a lot of permit-type stuff, inspections, etc.
<Lore> Well, there are worse jobs. Lot of data entry?
<zompist> "Type of business: Nice little. Would we want somethin to happen to it: No."
<tieboy> inspections a plenty. but every bit of correspondence has to be logged and filed in a bunch of different places
<SeanQ> so do you file their billing under 'O' for Overruns or 'G' for Gouging?
<Lore> Having to keep two sets of books must add to the paperwork.
<tieboy> and most conversations take place on paper, since they involve price changes
<tieboy> and at the end of the job, everyone goes to court!
<Lore> It's a proud tradition.

<Lore> Do you go out at night and egg Anne Rice's house?
<agent_orange> just *try* throwing food past Anne Rice, I dare you
<Leth> behe
<Leth> if *I* can laugh at her....
<tieboy> Rice is a fattie?
<agent_orange> bitch had her jaws wired shut to lose weight
<agent_orange> didn't help
<Leth> tie: oh yeah
<Freyja> she probably has a boyfriend who loves her very much
<agent_orange> should have had herslf chainedto a tree, too
<agent_orange> she has a recently dead husband, which didn't help much
<Lore> Cause if you don't eat him, he'll just go bad.
<tieboy> her dead husband went straight to her thighs
<tieboy> you win
<Lore> I'm willing to declare a draw.
<agent_orange> plus, one kid dies and the other went queer
<agent_orange> so, you know, why not double cheese? fuck it.
<AliasN> man... it's like there's some kind of *curse* on her or something
<Lore> You'd think being the patron saint of suburban goths would be curse enough.

<tieboy> so, there's a partnering meeting today between the owner, general contractor, and subs
<tieboy> I wish I could go to see these construction guys dealing with the topics on the agenda
<tieboy> 9:30 - Games We Play When Not In A Trust-Based Relationship & Simulation
<tieboy> 10:15 - Protocol for Trust & A Collaborative Relationship On The Balance of the Project
<tieboy> 9:15 - Why is it You Can Start Projects With Good Intentions Relative to Trust and Not End Up in a Trusting Relationship?
<Leth> 11:15- Would it really hurt you to give the balls a little jiggle while you're in there anyhow?
<DingoBoy> 11:45 - 3- Lunch
<tieboy> what it should be is 8:30 - Look, We All Know We're Going To Court After This Fucker Is Built, Right? So Let's Just Deal With It
<tieboy> 8:35 - End of Meeting
<SeanQ> or 8:35 - How to Lie Convincingly When Being Deposed
<tieboy> 9:00 - Frozen Smiles Take The Same Amount of Muscles As Regular Smiles
<ristoril> 9:15 - The Magical Wonder of "I Do Not Recall"
<DingoBoy> 9:30- Take the Last Cruller and You're Gonna Be Part of the Foundation

<tieboy> If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
<VeteranLore> Gottfried Brand Coffee.
<zwit> by which point you would be very thirsty indeed.
<zwit> Wait. How big a cup?
<zwit> and from what temperature to what temperature?
<zompist> it doesn't sound very practical
<Zole> I believe you would not actually end up with a hot cup of coffee.
<VeteranLore> Well, you could have two people yelling for four years each.
<Zole> Fuck that. Get eight people yelling for one year.
<VeteranLore> Or a hundred people yelling for a month.
<zwit> Get the entire population of China to jump off chairs at the same time, record the sound of them landing.
<zompist> or three thousand people yelling for a day. you'd have a hot cup of coffee *and* a presidential candidate
<VeteranLore> Or four million people yelling for a minute.
<VeteranLore> How many people fit in a football stadium?
<zompist> how fat are they?
<zwit> "I want all of you to get up from your chairs, go to your windows, and yell 'I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I WANT A HOT CUP OF COFFEE!!!'"
<zwit> they're anorexics
<zompist> would superman be able to yell loud enough to heat it up in under a day?
<zwit> and why wouldn't he use his heat vision?
<zompist> 'cos he's not that bright
<tieboy> I don't know about you fellows, but I only yell when I *DON'T* have my cup of coffee!!!!! :p
<AliasN> I bet a cup of coffee heated up by yelling would make you extra jittery, though

<shil> I'm doing 90% of the assignment while the other two are only doing a few diagrams.
<shil> and he's a whiny bitch and I want to put my fist through his throat!
<MisterQ> go to the prof and let them know
<shil> I dont' know if its worth it.
<MisterQ> my other option involves sweet clensing fire
<MisterQ> there are few problems that a sufficiently large amount of fire can't solve
<MisterQ> or make irrelevant

[re: Cap Alert review of 'The Hulk']
<MisterQ> How is bizarre flesh changing a wanton violence/crime?
<MisterQ> bizzarly?
<MisterQ> Bizzaro Jesus?
<zwit> Changing wine into water, flesh into bread...
<MisterQ> so begins the origin of the gingerbread man
<zwit> Making the sighted blind, the hale lame
<MisterQ> flying on water
<MisterQ> ressurecting the non-dead
<zwit> "Lazarus? Lazarus, don't run from Bizarro Jesus. Bizarro Jesus just want to help you."
<TMR> But Bizarro Jesus did heal a fig tree.
<zwit> Actually, *I* can make the sighted blind and the hale lame. Does that make me Bizarro Jesus?
<MisterQ> "Help you Bizarro Jesus will, Lazarus! Then, all romans me crucify for all sins of them!"
<zwit> oh, so he's a tree surgeon. That fits, actually, what with being a Bizarro Carpenter.
<MisterQ> "Bizarro Jesus smash furniture!"
<zwit> "The madder Bizarro Jesus gets, the STRONGER Bizarro Jesus gets!"
<MisterQ> "Bizarro Jesus make deal with Devil.. then smash him!"
<TMR> "Got change for a twenty?"
<TMR> "Bizarro Jesus likes what you did with the temple"
<MisterQ> heh, he made the temple into a savings and loans!
<zwit> "Bizarro Jesus kick Judas Iscariot in testicles!"
<MisterQ> "Bizarro Jesus casts first stone!"
<MisterQ> bizzaro jesus is 7 feet tall and shaped like wrestler
<zwit> Actually, from what I understand, Jesus was pretty big and muscular himself.
<TMR> I pictured Bizarro Jesus more like Sloth from The Goonies
<zwit> but with hair.
<MisterQ> I pictured him like a mini-hulk
<MisterQ> but with long hair
<MisterQ> "Bizarro Jesus not like peace hippy movement. Bizarro Jesus make prepare for much war and smooshings!"
<TMR> "Now divide this among ye. This is my plastic explosive"
<zwit> or perhaps as Spinn?
<MisterQ> Bizarro Jesus wears an armored trenchcoat?
<zwit> sure. That way he can't be nailed to a cross.
<MisterQ> also his spinning vulcan autocannon
<zwit> that shoots holy water?
* Lore has joined #spinnwebe
<zwit> Bizarro Jesus Smash Lore!
<MisterQ> WWBJD: What would Bizzaro Jesus Do?
<TMR> Turn papier-mache into newspaper
<MisterQ> Make a musical about the life of Judas
<zwit> Born to a porn star
<MisterQ> Mary Magdaline? Why save only one prostitute?
<TMR> Bizarro Mary: Born hymenless and proud of it.
<MisterQ> "In order to save you soul, Bizarro Jesus must tap that ass!"
* zwit falls half-asleep
* zwit is now known as zzzzzzwit
<MisterQ> may dreams of Bizarro Jesus feasting on entrails not haunt your dreams
<MisterQ> "Bizarro Jesus says, 'Giant Robot Dancu Party'!"

<mdxi> "Satan is brilliant, an administrative genius. He has an excellent organization, mentioned in Eph. 6:10-12."
<mdxi> proof that MBAs are evil
<MisterQ> I have an MBA, and it allows me to cast powerful spells
<DingoBoy> "And Satan saw that his minions were slacking, and thus instituted stricter inter-office policies." -- Gen. 5:!8
<mdxi> "23 And the Morningstar spake thus: 24 'Henceforth be Casual Fridays terminated.'"
<MisterQ> "And so henseforth, the mightiest weapon in Satan's weapon would always be, the committee pre-meeting" - Ceo. 6:12

<DingoBoy> a trip to Best Buy might be in order
<Lore> I generally go to Acceptable Buy. I find they manage my expectations better.

<tieboy> World Series of Poker needs a new name
<bob> it's more of a world series than baseball's is
<Samwise> "Super Poker #1 Game Champion"
<SeanQ> did you know that Gabe Kaplan won that tournament once?
<agent_orange> he won?
<tieboy> I did not
<agent_orange> ever?
<agent_orange> I always see him going out at the end of day 1
<SeanQ> I think it was 1980, not long after Welcome Back Kotter went off the air, anyway
<agent_orange> those things are greatfun to watch, for all the wrong reasons
<agent_orange> I like to sit and wonder how you can play high-stakes poker while wearing mirrored sunglasses
<Samwise> You don't want your eyes giving you away, I suppose
<Samwise> your pupils dilate when you're excited
<tieboy> never seen mirroed sunglasses, just black ones
<tieboy> mirrored would be funny, though
<agent_orange> I swear they look mirrored on TV
<agent_orange> maybe it's the lights
<SeanQ> huh, that may have been misinformation....
<SeanQ> okay, he won the Super Bowl of Poker, not the World Series
<agent_orange> right
<tieboy> what about the Indy 500 of Poker?
<SeanQ> he also had strong showings in the Daytona 500 of Poker and the NIT of Poker
* bob waits for the special olympics of poker
<agent_orange> then he won the NCAA Division III Women's Gymnastics of Poker the year after that DAMMIT
<tieboy> I hope to be in the Arm Wrestling Championship of Poker someday
<agent_orange> I'm going to the Kumate of Poker in Bangkok this fall
<agent_orange> Bolo Yeung pulled a straight flugh and kiced out one of my eyes last time

<Lore> So.
<Lore> BaseballClix.
<zompist> let's just go straight to lore brand clix
<Lore> Now with three characters!
<Lore> Figures, whatever.
<zompist> do you have pix yet?
<Lore> Sure. I uploaded them to iadp.collapsar.net
<SeanQ> maybe you should rate the various Clix games, lore
<SeanQ> there must be others besides Hero and Baseball
<zompist> Talk Radio Clix
<bob> geek hierarchy clix
<Lore> PornClix
<zompist> DTE clix on quarter-circle bases
<Lore> WebComicClix would be pretty funny.
<Lore> Ray Smuckels kicking Brent Sienna's ass.
<zompist> DrusillaClix
<Lore> NetflixClix
<ristoril> SlashFicClix
<zompist> Xil Clix featuring all your favorite palindromes
<Lore> RiffClix
<SeanQ> PornClix... "doesn't pack much of a punch, but look at that refractory period!"
<bob> BlogClix -- Wil Wheaton = FireLord
<Lore> And the subset, ChixWithDixClix
<bob> aw, tie wasn't here for that one
<Zole> What are, um, clix?
<SeanQ> and PrixClix
<zompist> VOTF Clix
<Lore> Barely Tournament Legal
<SeanQ> Experienced Fluffer instead of Medics
<Lore> HeroClix is a game where you.
<Lore> http://www.wizkidsgames.com/heroclix/
<bob> the only good thing about that page is that it is SFW
<Lore> Huh, there's Hellboy Clik.
<Zole> I'm deeply disappointed with Indy Clix
<bob> Lost In Translation Clix
<Lore> PixieStixClix
<ristoril> BuffyClix
<bob> HicksNixSticksClix

<tieboy> bored
<Samwise> yup
<Samwise> I could tell you about this enormous stye that has appeared overnight
<ristoril> that's an eyelid bubble thing rigth?
<Samwise> yes, rist... it's essentially a zit, but it starts in the follicle of an eyelash
<Samwise> hurts. Annoying. Gets in the way.
<tieboy> man, I hope you didn't have any looking planned for the weekend
<Samwise> nah, I got another eye
<Samwise> plus, no one wants to give me more stuff to do, since they'd have to STARE at the GIANT PULSING THING on my eye
<ristoril> that's why i'm moving kinda slow on getting this face-hugger removed
<tieboy> heh. face-hugger
<tieboy> "Hey, Jim, you've ah, got a little... something there on yer... ah..." "MMph?" "Ah, nothing, never mind."

<Lore> Well,
<Lore> This is clearly the gayest cafe I've ever been to.
<Lore> Also: Hi.
<bob> they serve lattes and things like that, lore?
<zompist> when you go to the bathroom, hold your hands over your butt in the international gesture for HA NO THANKS JUST A STRAIGHT GUY NOT EVEN BI-CURIOUS
<bob> that chai stuff, i bet they have that too
<tieboy> Just don't ask for a cup of Joe
<Lore> Yeah, they have chai, latte, torani syrup, and about a dozen gay guys.
<Lore> With notebook computers.
<Lore> I'm no stranger to being the fattest guy in the room, but when everyone has a laptop at least one or two are giving me a run for my money.
<Lore> Not here, though.

<tieboy> because I'm a white American male
<Lore> I'm drinking malt liquor through a hollowed-out flamingo femur.
<mdxi> i'm drinking water from a cycle bottle
<Drusilla> i'm drinking hard lemonade from a glass bottle it came in
<MisterQ> I'm drinking souls out of a cup made of the skulls of my enemies
<Lore> I usually drink diet souls.
<MisterQ> These are cherry flavored
<Lore> All the evil, just one calorie.
<mdxi> i like regular souls with a dash of grenadine
<TMR> I'm drinking "I Can't Believe It's Not Soul!"
<TMR> Although, frankly, I *can* believe it
<MisterQ> Those artificial souls will rot your karma
<MisterQ> Cherry flavored souls are evil. Vanilla flavored ones are good
<Lore> I thought it was so stupid when they just turned the soul logo upside down to make 7no5.
<MisterQ> at least they didn't reverse it to make 5no7
<tieboy> I laughed and some souls came out my nose
<TMR> Soul nori!
<Lore> I'm driving, make mine a virgin soul.

* mdxi tacklehugs freyja
<Lore> I was wondering how long it would be before tacklehugging came to #spinnwebe.
<Drusilla> it's shawn
<Lore> Are we all going to pretend we're in a hot tub now?
<Drusilla> no.
<Freyja> I draw the line at squiggly {{hugz}}
<Lore> I draw that particular line with a stream of "Viking Gold."
* TMR leaves a jellyfish in the abandoned hot tub
<mdxi> you young'uns
<mdxi> RAVEN started with the tacklehugs
<mdxi> YEARS ago
<mdxi> so shut the fuck up
<TMR> I coulda sworn that was LadyJ.
<Freyja> yeah but... talons. It was more of a descent/eye gouge thing

<Lore> Huh.
<Lore> California just passed a bill that makes it illegal or harm a fetus.
<Lore> There goes MY weekend.
<AliasN> *Lore puts away his pitchfork
<Kyol> California? The federales, I thought.
<me_tew> Yeah, U.S.; the "Unborn Victims of Violence Act". Did CA do one also, Lore?
<Craig> I love how Congress names bills with the intention of making it impossible to say you're against it
<Craig> "What, you WANT to inflict violence on poor unborn victims!? Huh?"
<Lore> Ah, missed that.
<bob> so they're gonna pass welfare reforms to make sure pregnant welfare moms can afford food?
<Kyol> AKA The Laci and Connor Bill.
<Craig> "You probably want a shitting Jesus, too."
<Zole> Yeah, and how could you possibly have a problem with the P.A.T.R.I.O.T. act?
<Lore> "The Improving Things And Rewarding the Virtuous Act of 2004"
<Drusilla> because I hate America.
<bob> if you hated america, you'd spell it with a k
<bob> that makes it funnier
<Craig> shows spite and spunk and spirit and other sp- words
<Drusilla> but not spelling acumen
<AliasN> wait, so it's now illegal for abortions in the US?
<Craig> no, no, no, stupid Canadian
<Craig> well, not until they can get Scalia cloned
<SeanQ> so it's illegal to harm fetuses for sport - as a career it's still okey-dokey
<Craig> under that, it'd be a separate crime to hurt a fetus if you're also puttin' a whompin' on the pregger mom as part of a vih-oh-lunt crime
<SeanQ> what if I'm giving her a beating for not pre-paying for a back-street abortion?
<Craig> well, besides being a bad business practice, I think that would be illegal
<Lore> ...and other things Solomon didn't have to consider.
<Lore> Wait, now BEATINGS are illegal?
<SeanQ> do you have to know she's pregnant?
<me_tew> Oh, and Craig, it has to be a federal crime; so would a beating still be covered?
<Craig> sean -- dunno, probably so
<SeanQ> lke, what if I just thought I was laying a smackdown on some fat chick?
<Craig> I'd say that if there are objective indicators of pregnancy -- mucous plug, lactation, etc. -- then you could have imputed intent
<Lore> What if you impregnate her, THEN beat her?
<bob> holler "to the best of my knowledge you are not pregnant!"
<SeanQ> so now I gotta be all, "Excuse me, before I commence striking you about the face and neck with this crowbar, could I trouble you to pee on this sitck?"
<Craig> And tew -- if it's feds, yea. But Congress casts a pretty nice wide net with what a federal crime is (damn Constitution)
<SeanQ> lore: always wear a rubber when performing a Tony Danza
<Lore> If only Tony Danza's father had followed that advice.
<bob> now there's some going-back-in-time action
<Craig> you guys are foolishly naive about time travel
<Craig> If Tony Danza had never existed, Nature would have created something equally hideous
<Craig> to fill the void, I mean
<raven> Nature finds a way, man.
<Lore> Craig: Nature already did: Scott Baio.
<SeanQ> 'Unborn Victims of Violence'... jeez
<bob> what if the fetus that dies was going to grow up to assassinate President Jenna Bush?
<Lore> What about the Unborn Victims of Pitchforks Act?
<me_tew> Still in committee, Lore.
<raven> I'm carrying around a positive pregnancy test, just in case I get mugged.
<raven> "Don't hit! Pregnant woman walking!"
<bob> it's pretty easy to come up with reasons to defeat this bill
<Craig> I'd recommend wearing a yellow diamond warning sign around your neck at all times, rave
<Craig> "Baby on Board. In my uterus, I mean"
<Lore> You could just wear a T-shirt pointing to your belly that says "The Miracle of 20 to Life."
<me_tew> Other people could wear pink triangles at all times...
<me_tew> Maybe yellow star shapes for some...
<Lore> Heh.
<tieboy> just leave a loop of umbilical dangling from your hemline
<AliasN> so, technically, you shouldn't be able to hit women or females since they have eggs, which COULD possibly be fetuses at some point. And I guess that goes for men, too. With sperm I mean.
<Craig> Kyol is so fucked
<Kyol> I got a right to be hostile, man, my people been _persecuted_.
<Lore> What the FUCK sir?
<bob> and really, you kill a fetus, you kill all their eggs and/or sperm too
<ristoril> from what they said on NPR this morning, you don't have to know it's a pregnant woman you're beating/killing
<AliasN> well, if killing innocent fetuses is wrong, I don't wanna be right

<AliasN> okay, so market research time: how many of you would care about a trivia game that contained questions such as, "How many footballs could fit into the Grand Canyon?"
* tieboy starts masturbating furiously
<AliasN> okay, so one. Good, good.
<AliasN> anyone else?
<tieboy> I said "furiously"

<tieboy> anyway, cheerleading is not a sport. it's something to masturbate bitterly to.
<AliasN> they've made TWO movies about it
<Leth> actually, you count the porn movies, it's well into the thousands
<tieboy> they've made two movies about everything
<tieboy> and the sequel is direct to video so it doesn't count
<Zole> Continue To Bring It On
<Leth> No, Please, We Really Would Like You To Bring It On Some More If You Have The Time
<Zole> Remember When You Brought It On? Keep Going With That
<tieboy> The On Brings It Back

<jacquilynne> I'm sorry to go back in the conversation, but 'Cheese & Rice'?
<tieboy> jac: Jesus Christ, Cheese 'N Rice
<AliasN> (bastardization of Jesus Christ, jacq)
<jacquilynne> Wow.
<jacquilynne> People are stupid.
<tieboy> it's better than burning in hell for all eternity!
<Lore> Unless God is a burrito.
<Leth> I wonder if that can be made into a Jewel song
<tieboy> good story to pitch to your editor
<tieboy> wonder why we have curse words, anyway
<Leth> I'd think he's more of a chimichanga, though. It sounds more like an omnipotent bieng's name
<tieboy> Someone came up with the word 'shit', and someone else said 'Dude, don't say that'
<Lore> The Lord is my Gordito, I shall not want.
<tieboy> probably not 'dude', but whatever they called each other before there was a word for shit
<Lore> He maketh me to lie down in green salsa.
<Leth> He maketh me lie down in fields of nachos. He gives me mole
<Leth> dammit
<Lore> He leadeth me beside supersized Diet Pepsi.
<Lore> I'm done.
<Lore> The Lord is my Schumin, I shall not want.
<bob> "yea, though i walk through the mall food court, i will fear no fried foods"

<Lore> Going on a message board and pretending to be a moron is like going to a furry convention and pretending to be kinky.

<bob> gahahaha
<bob> http://www.freep.com/features/living/sponge13_20040213.htm
<bob> includes illustration
<AliasN> it's all the chinks fault
<Zole> Oh dear
<bob> it's one of the store's most popular items!
<bob> after sheets!
<Leth> jeez Jemeka Garcia of Flint Township was skeptical of a mistake, in part because the cards appear to be well made.
<AliasN> oh fer christ's sake
<bob> "The cards, part of American Greetings' new Porchmonkeys line, is targeted toward African Americans. And nigras."
<Leth> Jemeka Garcia said she's already gone out and replaced the offensive SpongeBobs for her daughter.
<Leth> "I went and bought her some Scooby-Doos."
<Leth> "Because stoners and speech impediments are FUNNY, not offensive!"
<ristoril> "We absolutely fell out of our chairs when we saw it,"
<ristoril> i'll bet
<AliasN> "what I want to know is why? Why the hurty?! WHY?!"
<bob> they almost dropped their watermelon!
<Zole> Now they're going to have to address racism in a Very Special Spongebob
<Zole> Nevermind that Spongebob is the only sentient sponge among thousands of fish
<Zole> Also his boss is a crab whose daughter is a whale
<Samwise> *Someone* needs some sensitivity training
<Samwise> An exceedingly lefty friend of mine (OK, wife of a friend of mine) complained after seeing matrix:reloaded that Arabs were not represented in the community of Zion.
<AliasN> as we all know, I'm very sensitive to racism as I am myself a black person but I am not offended by this
<Samwise> We all just stared
<bob> alanis -- thanks for not getting all uppity about it
<AliasN> bob: kiss my black ass, whitey
<bob> where's the line start?
<ristoril> I dunno, but you're behind me. I gots me some jungle feva!
*** ristoril has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by Samwise (Put 'spike lee' back in your pants)
<AliasN> (more like Tack Lee)
<Leth> Arabs were....
<Leth> what?!
<Freyja> how could she tell? They were all various shades of mixed
<Leth> that's just what I needed to make me go down the hall to get a beer, being Friday and all
<ristoril> i think there were a shitload of brown people in that movie, and some of them had to be arabs
<Freyja> I'm not saying that pejoratively, there were some serious hotties in Zion
<ristoril> in fact, i think there weren't enough white people in zion, because everyone knows that only white people would be smart enough to escape the matricx
<Down10> Zion must have great fitness facilities
<Down10> and a tanning bar
<ristoril> down - it's amazing what a human body can look like if you don't have control of a disproportionate amount of food
* AliasN dutifully hates Leth
<Freyja> alias, he doesn't need that, he gets it at home every night.
<Freyja> you need to do something special, maybe tickle his balls while you hate him
<Leth> mmmm...hatebonus
<Samwise> But none of them had *turbans* on
<Samwise> that was how you could tell
<Drusilla> ...
<Samwise> When I regained powers of speech, I said I was pissed about the lack of Inuit representation
<ristoril> i didn't hear anyone mention allah, either, come to think of it
<Leth> and where were all the gays?
<Leth> are there no Sodomites In Zion?
<Samwise> "And Pygmies, where were they? I don't recall seeing any cripples, either, while we're at it!"
<AliasN> although I've only ever seen just the first one, I thought Zion was just a kind of co-inky-dink kind of name
<bob> and the gay inuits (the eski mos)
<Leth> huh, that sounds like a good underground book
<Leth> "Are There No Sodomites In Zion?" by Ann Coulter and Arianna Huffington
<AliasN> heh, Corky & the Juice Pigs have that song "The Only Gay Eskimo In My Tribe"
<Samwise> I think she just had a stick up her ass about how arabs are being persecuted
<Samwise> Anything that didn't kiss their ass was automatically evil
<Leth> oh, so she's a fuckwit
<Samwise> basically, Leth
<Leth> gotcha
<Leth> did you throw pork lard at her?
<Samwise> Her Flavor-of-the-month Reason To Get All Pissy And Self-righteous
<Samwise> Had I any, I certainly would have
<Leth> damn, exported it all away when there's such a domestic need...
<Samwise> Sad thing is she can really suck a dick

<Zole> Mike Meyers still hasn't gotten his beating for Cat in the Hat yet
<Samwise> Hey now!
<Samwise> How dare you use the singular in that sentence
<Zole> I didn't say it would be a *short* beating

<AliasN> but you know something that I learned from his being on Conan? He, Eric McCormack and Elton John's husband were in the same class at grade school.
<Samwise> who's eric mccormack
<Kyol> Will of WIll & Grace.
<Samwise> oh.
<Kyol> IIRC.
<Leth> ...
<Samwise> go on, Leth
<Leth> of *course* Kyol knew that
<Samwise> Let it out
<Kyol> Heh. I watch it for Megan Mulally. Mmm.
<Leth> yyeeahhh
<Leth> fag
<Kyol> Well, when I watch it.
<Leth> whew you were right Sam
<Leth> I feel much better
<Leth> it's like holding in a sneeze. It wiill only hurt
<Samwise> I hate when you're at a funeral or a meeting, and you have to hold in a fag
<Leth> heh, I really wanted to say that to someone in a meeting this morning
<Leth> we were talking about a comm infrastructure and he said we really need a "prettier" UI, because you need to have that to make the infrastructure worth anything
<Leth> I *so* wanted to just turn to him and fag him
<Samwise> " 'prettier'? Fag."
<Samwise> sometimes, a UI just wants to feel *pretty*. There's *nothing* wrong with that.
<Kyol> How about witty and gay?
<Kyol> tra-la-la-la-la-la-lala

Disclaimer : These are actual IRC transcripts. Some editing has been done, either by arranging lines slightly (so conversational blocks look coherent), by deleting irrelevant lines, or lumping multiple consecutive lines by the same author together. For one or two people who used multiple aliases, I picked their most common alias and used it throughout. The actual text and/or the intent of the text has remained untouched. If any of the participants chronicled below have issues, objections or comments, please drop me a line.

Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com
I want to submit a log!