IRC Quotes : Page 1

<Samwise> Nahhh...it was a cutie. They're from Runza.
<zompist> what's runza?
<tieboy> Isn't that the new Christmas holiday?
<zompist> i thought it was the street name for olestra.
<tieboy> Jar-Jar giving instructions to flee?
<Samwise> That's it...I'm bringing a box of frozen Runzas to PGGTG

<tieboy> has anyone heard the term "cootie-monster" before?
<zompist> not since grade 6, tie...
<Samwise> As in a big blue furry thing that eats cooties?
<tieboy> i heard it used as a name for a woman's privates
<zompist> why, that's not very respectful, tie!
<Da_Raven> Are you sure it wasn't *cootchie* monster?
<zompist> you should call it "the yoni-temple of the goddess"
<Samwise> Everyone knows the scientific name is "furburger".
<tieboy> it sounded like cootie. but maybe it was coochie
<tieboy> It was hard to hear it through the glass i had pressed to the wall
<Samwise> tie: uhm, get out more.

* jacquilyn waves at them as the poof into existence
<zompist> hey, it's *you* who keep splitting on us.
<tieboy> yeah!
<tieboy> and don't call me a poof
* zompist cancels the call he had in for a poof for tie.
<tieboy> thanks zomp. I've already got two and no where to put them

<CrzyClmbr> shil's still really lagged -- been about 5 minutes and i haven't gotten the ping back yet
<shil> yikes!
<Samwise> Heh...if CC & them are trying to watch shil-o-vision, they'll be totally confused.
<tieboy> i got you at 3 sec shil
<shil> good
<zompist> well, we're in the same lagosynclastic infundibulum.
<tieboy> so does wht we type show up to them 15 minutes later?
<zompist> presumably, tie, when they're not split off.
<zompist> since they're not responding to us, we must be in The Past.
<tieboy> Wow. Just think of the wonders they're seeing in the Future
<Da_Raven> Or the horrifying mass destruction. Whichever.

<Leth> what the hell is a "deeply transient artist"?
<mdxi> an atrist who will be around for a VERY short time
<Da_Raven> An "artist" that's been homeless for a while.
<Leth> and will be a bit longer, judging by his "too primitive for South Park" style
<agt_orang> One ho gets bored before finishing a picture, and goes to watch tv.
<agt_orang> who, dammit, not ho.
<Da_Raven> agt : Well, she *could* be a 'ho.
<agt_orang> a deeply transient ho.
<Leth> "I'm a 17 year old girl from Sweden. I go in school and learns about computers, news papers, tv and so on... In my spear time I am with my friends and my boyfriend. I like to read and paint. "
<Leth> That's a great translation error
<Samwise> That's what I love. Spear time with friends.
<Da_Raven> Of course, pretty soon you run out of friends.
<Samwise> That's what the PGGTG is for.
<agt_orang> "When you have no friends left: The PGGTG."
<Leth> is it BYOS?

<TomFish> recent celebrity death, someone
<kaufman> Doug Henning? Derrick Thomas? Steven Spielberg's Kidney?
<TomFish> Doug Henning died, I see
<wabewalkr> Mister "It's Maaaaagic!" died? How?
<KemloCaes> No, no, it's his "Escape-From-The-Coffin" trick.
<kaufman> made his liver disappear
<tieboy> he double-Nori'd
<KemloCaes> "He will be buried! In a coffin? Underground! With both hands tied behind his back and his metabolism shut down!"
<KemloCaes> "In a coffin!"
<Leth> damn....and I had Copperfield in the pool....
<Samwise> "On fire!"
<kaufman> on fire!
<Samwise> jinx
<KemloCaes> No, Copperfield already escaped from the pool.

<Kyol> We have a groove? Why wasn't I notified?
<TheEnigma> It's more like a ditch
<TheEnigma> Maybe a shallow rut-type thing
<Kyol> With swampy water?
<TheEnigma> Of course
<TheEnigma> And leeches

<TMR> Whoever makes a drug that cures assholism will make a fortune and be remembered more fondly than Ghandi to the power of Jesus.
<theguy> they have. it's called arsenic.
<TMR> "New Nonassholin. Available in pill, liquid, and blowgun dart form."
<LJ-atwork> "eat the cookie, mother!"
<Samwise> TMR: no drug, but Crotch Bat(tm) works well.
<CrzyClmbr> The next project now that the Nostril Filter is done.
<zompist> i'm glad inventors have a sense of priorities.
<zompist> "what shall we address next? assholism? nah... dirty septums!"
<LJ-atwork> I wish I hadn't cried
<LJ-atwork> but I think I handled the rest well.
<agt_orang> it could lull him into a false sense of security
<agt_orang> thus surprising him when you pull out the CrotchBat
<agt_orang> and hit one out of the park
<Samwise> New CrotchBat with patented SodomAction...for slow learners.

<CrzyClmbr> i was just thinking, it's been too long since someone kicked out the fucking cord
<CrzyClmbr> only lost 45 minutes of work
<TomFish> that's very proactive of them
<CrzyClmbr> does proactive have an antonym?
<CrzyClmbr> or is that whole question an oxymoron?
<kaufman> propassive?
<CrzyClmbr> conactive?
<kaufman> antiactive?
<kaufman> amateuractive?
<CrzyClmbr> prodead?
<kaufman> prozactive?

<RJak> ALL I WANT IS A WAREZ PAGE WITHOUT ANY PORN!
<RJak> IS THAT SO WRONG?!?
<LJ-atwork> freak.
<CrzyClmbr> RJak... what good is Photoshop without lots of erect nipples to color-balance and resize?
<RJak> I'm just trying to download kingpin.
<RJak> then I get all of these schoolgirl bathroom cam shit!
<CrzyClmbr> so to speak.
<RJak> well...yeah.
<CrzyClmbr> Tents holding steady on *that* site.
<RJak> What really pisses me off is those idiots who have porn and neo-geo roms.
<RJak> "Hmmm...doesn't seem illegal enough. I know! Let's add lesbo action!"
<TomFish> I've never known lesbo action to be illegal
<TomFish> but it is proactive

<StanXhiao> Nursoy!
<kaufman> Nursoy is proactive
<StanXhiao> Nursoy is Beans!
<StanXhiao> Human Beans!
<RJak> Nursoy is behind my aunt's GOUT!
<wabewalkr> Some of my friends went out to the Hunan Gourmet last night, and every time I hear "Hunan Food" I think "Soylent Green."
<RJak> On Iron Chef, the ingredient will be...HUMAN FLESH!

<spinn> no bible cat under reference?
<wabewalkr> "Bible" gives a 404. It's a sign of the apocolypse!
<kaufman> i think it's under social sciences/religion...
<spinn> oh, here we are.
<spinn> sheese, no kidding
<spinn> http://bible.gospelcom.net/bible?language=English&version=KJV&passage=Matthew+21
<spinn> 18-22
<spinn> talk about a vengeful god
<spinn> a tree pisses jesus off and he puts the smackdown on it
<StanXhiao> Thy crotch doth mock me
<StanXhiao> Phloeghm magnificat deus.
<SeanQ> why did you need to read that pasasge?
<spinn> ref on brunching
<Leth^> So He lays down the law on a fig tree, but doesn't do anything to the guy who whips the shit out of him later.... a little inconsistent
<StanXhiao> damn upstart figs

<SeanQ> the rebecalist appears to have calmed down
<SeanQ> that or I got myself booted
<StanXhiao> Everyone is spent.
<StanXhiao> They haven't felt the sting yet, on that list
<StanXhiao> We're poking their ass with a thin-gauge needle
<spinn> drilling a pilot hole for the asshole to come
<StanXhiao> Didja use a Forstner bit on that pilot hole?
<StanXhiao> Makes a nice angled seat foir the schphincter

<kaufman> canada has fallen off the face of the earth!
<zompist> is a split that carries off kemlo a bad thing?
<CrzyClmbr> well, it took lincoln park with it, apparently, but not the Loop.
<kaufman> crzy: ask jeeves if a dingo that carries him off is a bad thing
<CrzyClmbr> he says he doesn't know, but i think he knows more than he's telling.
<CrzyClmbr> "Land Speculation: What Is It Bad For?" is one of the links it returns.
<kaufman> I guess it's bad if you invest in a seismically suspect part of Canada

<tieboy> don't ever address me again
<tieboy> EVER
<Da_Raven> Yeah, tie hates it when people put stamps on his forehead.
<tieboy> i liked being licked though
<kaufman> especially if it's insufficient postage
<CrzyClmbr> but being canceled, no way!
<KemloCaes> Put him in a postage meter?
<tieboy> don't fold my package, man
<kaufman> * next on FOX: When tieboy goes Postal
<mdxi> int random_var; int *tieboy; tieboy = &random_var;
<mdxi> (addressing tieboy. i'm sorry. really really sorry.)
<kaufman> int *lassie
<kaufman> ERROR: Lassie is a collie, not a pointer

<CrzyClmbr> what does ken do that he gets to leave so early?
<hockeyfag> makes diamonds out of coal
<Kyol> He tests the rectal thermometers at the Q-Tip company.
<hockeyfag> filters water with his nosehair
<SeanQ> Ken Kaufman spent most of his youth in Norwalk, Connecticut and is working on postdoctoral research in the Machine Learning and Inference Laboratory at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia
<hockeyfag> makes a damn fine cup of joe
<CrzyClmbr> and the machines have learned to call it a day early, apparently.
<CrzyClmbr> "Well, they're done for the day, we may as well take off too."

<mdxi> Diet Coke has been observed to cause cessasion of mobility of 99.9% of sperm in a sample.
<CrzyClmbr> Wonder how that compares to regular Coke and Coke II.
<CrzyClmbr> There's a high school science fair project.
<SeanQ> and it's cheaper than Nonoxynol-9
<SeanQ> more bang for your buck, so to speak
<CrzyClmbr> plus, the fizziness tickles!
<SeanQ> carbonated, for her pleasure
<mdxi> Diet Coke worked best
<CrzyClmbr> Well, when those little tadpoles lose a few ounces, there isn't much left.

<CrzyClmbr> yeah, sure, i cut off my hands and you still kick me.
<Samwise> Hey, what's up CrzyClimber
<Samwise> Now someone said your name, you're safe.
<CrzyClmbr> not from sean, he's a kickin' fool
<SeanQ> yer half right, CC
<Samwise> Sic 'im.
<CrzyClmbr> no, revenge is not my way.
*** SeanQ has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by CrzyClmbr (But pure fun is!)
<Samwise> Revenge, like borscht, is best served cold.
<Samwise> But more people appreciate revenge than do borscht.
<Samwise> Or Gazpacho, come to think of it.

<mdxi> StanXhiao: i dunno, i don't watch TV
<StanXhiao> fuckin' loser ya
<spinn> "ya"
<spinn> heheheh
<spinn> that's amusing me
<StanXhiao> I forgot the one at the beginning, tho
<StanXhiao> in my haste to insult shwn
<StanXhiao> sorry, shawn
<StanXhiao> ya fuckin' loser, ya

<StanXhiao> man, sometimes I wish I was Ruthie from Real World, ya know?
<agt_orang> she the booze hound?
<StanXhiao> yeah
<StanXhiao> *and* rapper
<StanXhiao> *and* confused lesbian
<StanXhiao> *and* womyn of color*
<agt_orang> Renaissance chick, huh?

<dpk> i'm naked, and i'm liking it
<StanXhiao> Oh good Lord
<Leth^> Aiiieee!!! My Eyes!!!!!
<dpk> It's time for Tubby Custard!
<dpk> It's time for Tubby Custard!
<dpk> It's time for Tubby Custard!
<dpk> or whatever it is they say
<Leth^> jesus, dpk, I leave my house to get AWAY from that shit
<dpk> you'll never get away from my nakedness, leth. sorry
<dpk> its just One Of Those THings.
<Leth^> I mean the Teletubby shit....you nekkid is just a weapon of the devil

* kaufman slips and falls on his ass
<kaufman> again
* StanXhiao does a triple-axel over Ken's prone figure.
* kaufman 's carotid is gushing from Stan's careless toe
* StanXhiao Whoopsies!
<kaufman> tourniquet please!
* CrzyClmbr stuffs his hanky into kaufman's chest.
<StanXhiao> I think it's his neck, d00d
* CrzyClmbr figuresout why his chest was resisting.
* CrzyClmbr wishes for the second time today that his college had had any science courses.
<SeanQ> remind me never to need forst ais when you're around, CC
<SeanQ> or first aid, for that matter
* CrzyClmbr edges closer to his forst ais supply

<agt_orang> okay, just sent my reply to rebecca list: PLEASE DON'T QUOTE THE ENTIRE MESSAGE IT MAKES THE EMAIL VERY LONG
<agt_orang> THANK YOU
<Da_Raven> Did you quote the whole message?
<agt_orang> followed by the entire message
<spinn_> and you quoted the whole thing, right? tell me you quoted the whole thing.
<agt_orang> I think I'll send another one apologizing, and quote the whole thing again.
<Da_Raven> Hehehhehehe. Dammit, you're evil.
<dpk> quote someone else's non-related thread. heh
<spinn_> well, wait a half hour. will give other theoretical people a chance to tell you what you did
<spinn_> then say you were told what you did and sorry

<SeanQ> yeah Leth, you're, like, Rob and Marge funny
<Da_Raven> Heh.
<SeanQ> you could be a professional
<Leth^> Gee thanks Sean. I appreciate that. Maybe I can give you some pointers someday
<TomFish> you could be mention on wcw nitro
<Leth^> for now, just go check out some of my has-been stand-up sites
<SeanQ> "Leth's Lair of Laffs. from the creator of CapAlert, eBay, and Office 97"
<Leth^> Don't forget CNN.com and slashdot
<Leth^> that's some of the funniest stuff, too
<SeanQ> your expose on plastic surgery had me in stitches
<Leth^> I do this great bit on babies with leukemia, too...I'll let you check it out someday

* SeanQ calls TomFish in from the back 40
<Kyol> TF, can you hear me, over. (kttsch)
*** CTCP PING reply from TomFish: 89 seconds
<Samwise> tomping" 3 minutes
<Da_Raven> Tomping : 2.5 minutes
<TomFish> Kyol, tell my wife I love her. Over
<zompist> we're tomping for 2.5 minutes? when should we start?
<Kyol> Tomping: 12 seconds.
<zompist> i guess kyol just tomps faster.
<Kyol> I'm a very skilled tomper.
<zompist> sometimes, in #spinnwebe, tompers flare.
<Samwise> The old tompering ground
<TomFish> yer all within less than a minute now
<TomFish> prepare for docking proceedurs
<TomFish> Hey, you guys are goofing on me in the past
<TomFish> How hurt I will be in the future
<zompist> er, but, not any more.
<zompist> now we're goofing on...
<Samwise> Oh, great, he's gonna dock with us. Run!
* zompist checks to see who's not here.

<jacquilyn> god, please, somebody want Teena. That's a horrid name but it was the best I could come up with.
<kaufman> It's good for her character
<kaufman> Much better than Vomitia.
*** Samwise (~samwise22@h216-170-001-124.adsl.navix.net) has joined channel #spinnwebe
<jacquilyn> Vomitia wasn't really in the running.
<kaufman> save it for your Addams Family takeoff
<Samwise> Another wonderful #spinn conversation to walk in on.
<jacquilyn> I sense sarcasm, Sam.
<Samwise> No no...anytime you read "Vomitia" without context it becomes a whole new day.
<SeanQ> "Vomitia" sound like a new diet pill
<zompist> or a really disgruntled astronomer's new asteroid.
<Da_Raven> "Side effects may include dizziness, hair loss, and projectile vomiting."
<SeanQ> "WARNING: May cause greasy regurgitations, an urgency to have them, and an inability to control them."
<jacquilyn> I think it sounds like a planet in a B+ movie.
<Leth^> "Women who are pregnant, or who may be pregnant, or whoever WANT to be pregnant, should not come within 20 cubic feet of Vomitia tablets"
<LJ-atwork> I can't get Vomitia prescribed because I STILL DON'T HAVE HEALTH COVERAGE
<Da_Raven> That's why you fly to Mexico for black market Vomitia.
<SeanQ> "People who were born by women who were pregnant should not take Vomitia"

<jacquilyn> Dammit. I can't even write a frickin' class. I need to log off and pay attention to what I'm doing.
*** Signoff: jacquilyn (Leaving)
<Kyol> We'll burn that instinct out of her yet, we will.
<CrzyClmbr> I guess she's tired of spitting on her monitor.
<CrzyClmbr> As if we had anything to do with her upbringing.
<zompist> we need a SpinnMuseum.
<zompist> exhibit 442: cask containing all the spit ejected while guffawing over spinnwebe antics.
<CrzyClmbr> mm, that sounds like those little bottles in dpk's basement.
<Leth^> except a little less disgusting
<zompist> i dunno, i think a barrel of spit is a bit *more* disgusting.
<Leth^> more than little jars of saved spunk? well, to each his own, I guess
<zompist> "to each his own" is definitely a good rule to follow when it comes to bottling bodily secretions.

<Leth^> Elk: make the guy chartreuse, and you should be ok
<TheBoyII> oh, that's your answer to everything, Leth!
<TheBoyII> "The plumbing's broken? Make it charteuse and call it a parody!"
<Leth^> ah, but it works, so then is that really all that bad?
<TheBoyII> "It hurts when you pee? CHARTEUSE!"
<Leth^> There's really no situation that chartreuse can't fix
<Leth^> "I think I have cancer. Oooohhhh....chartreuse!"
<Elkman> Except trying to attain a ninja-like stealth.
<Elkman> "I cannot be seen as I try to assassinate the samurai... oooh, chartreuse!"
<Leth^> Solution: make everything ELSE chartreuse, too
<Leth^> USe chartreuse to distract the vision of your target
<heretical> are you guys talking about turkey shooting?
<Leth^> nope, the use of chartreuse in ninja operations
<Elkman> Only if there's ninja-like stealth involved.

<SeanQ> go for the Agent Orange look
<SeanQ> oh, hey agt-o
<agt_orang> I get my hair cut this way, thank you.
<TomFish> no, no , no , no, I want the chicks to _like_ me
<agt_orang> It's a religious thing.
<TomFish> oh, hey, agt-o, I didn't know you were here
<agt_orang> like that would matter, you fuckers.

* CrzyClmbr would only accept awards from people who know "Home Page" is two words.
<Elkman> Although the award banner looks like some kind of devil w ith underwear on his head, with a devilish grin, carrying a combination guitar/h ockey stick and wearing paperclips on his feet.
<Leth^> And Camilla's Ransom Note Of Excellence award
<Elkman> And Adrian's Blurry HomePage Award.
<CrzyClmbr> "If yOU eVEr waNt tO See yOUr award AGAin, SenD US Money."
<Da_Raven> I like the way they use their first names, like it's a famous brand name.
<Leth^> Note to Adrian: Make text a different color from drop-shadow. Thanks.
<Leth^> ugh...I clicked on Mandy's Cool Page banner
<Elkman> I think this calls for a special fourth category of the Spinnwebe Awards.
<Elkman> "You've won the 'Ruffiani-Approved' Award!"
<Da_Raven> Crappy Awards Award

<agt_orang> Christmas Shopping got you stumped why not try a velvet vulva: http://www.artgoddess.com/vulva-page.html
<agt_orang> In case you have a spare 75 bucks to throw down a... uh, hole.
<agt_orang> I'll spoil it for you: velvet purses shaped like mommy parts.
<Nyder> thanks. I was guessing it was a painting of a vulva on velvet.
<TomFish> I want a velvet anus
<Nyder> I'm sure she'll do one for the right money...
<agt_orang> to replace your old taffeta anus?
<Nyder> taffeta is *so* last year

<agt_orang> netsplit! run!
* Nyder seeks cover in the root cellar
<agt_orang> aunti em! ther's a netspit a comin!
<TomFish> The net has been split asunder!
<Nyder> weep ye skies, weep blood and flame!!!
<agt_orang> It's the rapture!
<agt_orang> I've gotta get home and shoot the wife and kids!
<TomFish> that would explain why I'm still here
*** DarthElk is now known as ELkman
<Nyder> Behold! The horned beast arrives!
<agt_orang> Do you wear the number of the BigFuckingBeast?

<agt_orang> I found your xmas present, Nyder: http://www.scottsloan.com/newsite/locker_room_stench.htm#butthairs
<Nyder> scott sloan's butt hairs? agt, you shouldn't have...
<agt_orang> We all chipped in
<agt_orang> as it were
<agt_orang> and quite reasonable
<agt_orang> for butt hairs.
<Nyder> I can't work out, is that 50 dollars a hair or for a baggie?
<agt_orang> big ol' baggie

<Elkman> OK, I need advice. The neighborhood where my new job is located has all sorts of "Work at Home" signs on telephone poles. I hate those scams.
<Elkman> Would it be a good idea for me to go out at midnight with a crowbar and take all those signs down?
<TomFish> if by good you mean illegal, I dunno
<Da_Raven> Either that, or add "Phone Sex" above it.
<Elkman> Oh, I think it's illegal to put those signs up in the first place. The power and phone companies hate them, too.
<TomFish> or change the number to the the govenor's number
<Da_Raven> "Future Porn Stars!!"
<TomFish> that would get them taken down QUICK
<agt_orang> "Needed: Pre-Teen Models!"
<TomFish> "Needed: Presidential Interns"
<Elkman> "Work at home! All positions needed!"
<agt_orang> "Needed: Gal Fridays. Good Looking. Typing helpful."

<TomFish> hot damn!
<Da_Raven> Why the hell aren't they changing servers?
<agt_orang> how many times will they try?
<agt_orang> all we can do now is watch...and pray.
<Da_Raven> "Come towards the light, greg!"
<agt_orang> "This channel... is /clean/."
<Elkman> Oh, they're probably talking about us secretly.
<agt_orang> bong hits, I'm telling you.
<agt_orang> I'm on prison.net, myself. hoping to get an endorsement contract.
<agt_orang> "I'm a little bitch for prison.net!"
<Elkman> "Don't drop the soap!"
<Da_Raven> Now there's a tagline "Prison.net : Don't Drop the Soap"

<Leth^> I think I've found an acceptable motive for office shootings: 4 hour staff meetings
<wabewalkr> I miss my old job... anytime I was bored in a meeting, I'd say "Oh, wait, I have data on that in my office," and disappear for the rest of the day.
<agt_orang> I would have faked a stroke around the ninety minute mark
<Leth^> heheheh..."and on project #4 - glurg...ack "
<Leth^> "dammit, get up, I need your project status!"
<Leth^> "Clot on your own time"
<Elkman> Of course, this is the same management that clamps down hard on people who take 10 minutes to do some web surfing.

<Leth> mmmmm.....tarballs......
<wabewalkr> A tasty treat that spices up any party.
<TheEnigma> Lesbians?
<Leth> tarballs
<TheEnigma> Oh. That's quite different, then.
<Leth> although the judges have just informed me that theywould have also accepted lebians
<Leth> dammit
<Leth> lesbians
<wabewalkr> Labians?
<TheEnigma> I didn't know if you were going for "plebians."
<Leth> I give up...I hate this goddamned microshit keyboard
<wabewalkr> Oh, is that one of those mutant keyboards?
<Leth> yeah.."Natural"
<TheEnigma> Natural to whom?
<Leth> it feels like it was left on the radiator too long, and it melted into a bizarre modern art sculpture
<Leth> Nig: Camel fetishists
<TheEnigma> Ah. Not pedophiles and politicians?
<Leth> nope...too big a hump for pedophiles, and there's no drink holder for politicians

<TomFish> Does your web surfing ever leave you feeling... not so fresh?
* StanXhiao scoots around the channel's carpet on his ass
<StanXhiao> yeah
<CrzyClmbr> My cat does the same thing.
<CrzyClmbr> Tonight's Top 10 list, "Things Stan and my cat have in common."
<DarthElk> I didn't know this channel was carpeted.
<StanXhiao> Just the bathroom

<spinn> foo.
<spinn> $125 in parking tickets
<CrzyClmbr> You should have put post-it notes on your car.
<CrzyClmbr> "It wasn't illegally parked; it was performance art."
<Leth> "mooo"
<Leth> or actually "oink"...the cops'll like that better
<CrzyClmbr> and not post-it notes, krispy kremes
<spinn> crispy-cremes arranged to spell "oink" on the hood

<CrzyClmbr> ooooh, gothic chicago
<CrzyClmbr> just the list of names is great
<CrzyClmbr> Mystress Prynne
<CrzyClmbr> Misery Decay
<CrzyClmbr> Kitzilla
<Leth> heheh The \320ark Wench
<Leth> Elisabat
<CrzyClmbr> Nuitfaerie
<CrzyClmbr> don't wanna meet this one in a dark alley: Castrella

<Leth> hahahaha... "Cat-Like Typing Detected"
<CrzyClmbr> "My cat is deaf..."
<CrzyClmbr> "PawSense detects the paws of even deaf cats."
<CrzyLunch> gonna steal some kibble from deaf cats
<Da_Raven> "If you carefully measure cat paws..."
<Da_Raven> I can just see them pulling out the calipers.

<Elkman> Beats me. But he's mentally unstable, and the x-gf is afraid he's going to attempt suicide again.
<TomFish> so they're goth
<Leth> I was thinking Emerson students, but same diff
<TomFish> goth, emerson, high penchant for drama... same thing
* CrzyClmbr was Emerson, '76.
<Leth> I rest my case
<Leth> You probably lived in Charlesgate too, right?
<CrzyClmbr> Leth - no, I was a commuter student
<Leth> oh, ok, so missed most of the psychological scarring then
* TomFish was goth, well, never
<TomFish> maybe the summer of 96 when I followed the Legendary Pink Dots around the east coast for a bit, but I did attend those shows wearing my bright pink CUB shirt
<Leth> bright pink pretty much eliminates any chance of being considered goth
<TomFish> but I want to be unique just like all the other unique people

<TomFish> is that some new chicago slogun? please don't kill your neighbors
<spinn> Daley: My Wife Won't Stop Crying
<TomFish> change it to "neighbors: why?"
<spinn> or in some way make it interesting
<TomFish> "neighbors: the other white meat"
<TomFish> neighbors: john belushi at his worst
<Da_Raven> "neighbors : they were such quiet boys"
<Elkman> "Neighbors: What keeps you from living in the boondocks."
<CrzyClmbr> Maybe put a space in -- "Neighbor hoods" -- and cover it with gang signs

<Leth^> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
* Leth^ just logged on to espn.com
<DarthElk> What now? All the important baseball players have DSL?
<SeanQ> unbelievable. Did the Grammy voters pick the AL MVP this year?
<Leth^> no Elk, Pedro didn't win the MVP
<DarthElk> Oh.
<DarthElk> Betcha Pedro could get DSL, though.

<TomFish> oh so bored
<spinn> well that's probably why
<spinn> there's a 254.com
<TomFish> no there's not
<TomFish> but it is registered
<spinn> er
<spinn> right, there's a 254.com
<DarthElk> Is too!
<TomFish> I'm getting dns not found
<TomFish> I want my 254.com!
<DarthElk> Sigh. I was trying to start a childish argument, but you had to go screw it up.
<TomFish> oh, sorry
<TomFish> Is not!
<DarthElk> "Is not!" "Is too!" "Is not!" "Is too!" "Is not is not is not!!!"
<TomFish> Well, now YOU took the fun out of it

<StanXhiao> My house was paid for by Howard Hughes
<SeanQ> your house made of spruce?
<StanXhiao> heh, no, second-growth pine
<StanXhiao> well, I had a contract with Hughes for two months
<StanXhiao> made the down payment
<spinn> how come you never introduced us?
<spinn> sheesh, you think you know some people
<StanXhiao> I can't channel him during the day
<StanXhiao> I mean, I'm not a Mormon
<zompist> mormons have daylight channeling powers?

<Da_Raven> At my family parties, it's not a party until someone's lawn chair ends up in the bonfire.
<zompist> you didn't tell us at the pggtg that we could set things on fire!
<Da_Raven> Not in my apartment, zomp. :)
* zompist wonders what we could burn at ben's house.
<SeanQ> maybe ben's house?
<zompist> i bet ben's mom wouldn't like that!
<spinn> let's stack a 40-foot-tall pile of lumber in his basement
<zompist> q00l!
<zompist> let's get a jet engine and strap it on ben's car.
<Leth> just make sure the nude room doesn't catch fire
<K_Man> Does he have any cats?

<zompist> why can't kids amuse themselves with mah-jong, skateboards, and improv comedy, like when i was a youth?
<Leth> because you left out the most important ingredient, zomp... BIG FUCKING FIRES
<K_Man> And logs. Lotsa logs.
<K_Man> I probably would've made a bonfire if I had a bunch of Lincoln Logs when I was little.
<CrzyClmbr> and, um, diesel fuel.
<StanXhiao> we used to foll around with Molotov cocktails when I was a sprout
<zompist> i wonder how many crash tapes end "now i can tell you, bob... i love you"
<dpk> "I'll miss your wife, John."

<Leth> Sean: I just joined the rebecalist. For a writer, she doesn't seem to want to write much greeting people to her list.
<Leth> Complete body of welcome email: Welcome to rebecalist
<Leth> no period at the end either
<StanXhiao> hold the goddamn phone there, Sean...
<StanXhiao> that's from "Beccers???
<agt_orang> Well, anything more would just be vulgar.
<StanXhiao> her ego is larger than I thought
<agt_orang> rebeccalist: the numbered swiss account of listservs.
<Leth> man, her ego needs its own friggin government, not just zipcode
<SeanQ> she needs a bonfire in honor of her ego
<agt_orang> 'beccas ego has been recognized as a soverign nation by the world court.
<agt_orang> "Welcome! to the always tweakable home of rebecca lynn eisenberg and what you want to make of it."
<agt_orang> I want to make hash of it
<agt_orang> is that okay?

<Leth^> I hate them because I always get dragged into the store by my wife and end up walking out a good $100+ poorer
<StanXhiao> I looked at that for a second and thought Leth typed $100+pooner
<agt_orang> You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and bake me some e-pie
<Leth^> well, if I walked out with pooner, that'd be different
<agt_orang> $100 pooners on sale at Big Lots!
<StanXhiao> pull my pooner
<SeanQ> you have to go to Victoria's Secret for those
<agt_orang> $5 pooners on sale at Big Lots!
<agt_orang> From the Phillipines!
<SeanQ> "Hard Hat Zone! Prices on Pooners are Falling By the Minute!"
<StanXhiao> 'Pino pooners
<StanXhiao> by mail
<agt_orang> they break when you sit on 'em
<agt_orang> Lovely Filapina pooners need american boyfriends
<StanXhiao> hellll-o, betty!

<Leth> Man, the people in this office are too freakin weird. I just ran to get coffee while my machine rebooted and next to the trash can was a couple of sugar wrappers that had missed the can. So instead of picking them up, someone put a post-it note next to it with "Slob Alert" written on it and an arrow pointing to the wrappers
<Leth> on the floor next to the wrappers
<StanXhiao> post-its?
<Leth> yup. I wish I had a camera here
<SeanQ> so you of course put another Post-it net to that one with "Snob Alert" and an arrow...?
<Leth> hehe..I thought of doing something similar, but I dunno if I want to contribute to someone's little jihad
<SeanQ> or better yet, put a long note about litterers going to hell
<Leth> remember, some people carry weapons here
<Leth> heheh...spread across several post its
<Leth> Sean: I just left one that said "How true. People who leave paper on the floor have no respect for others."
<Leth> we'll see if I get assaulted on the way out

<DarthElk> spinnbot, is it OK for zompist to get hot chocolate?
<spinnbot> DarthElk, No way.
<zompist> the bot has no ops-- i don't have to listen to it.
<Nyder> ANARCHY!!!!
* wabewalkr starts handing out torches and rakes.
* DarthElk grabs a rake and jumps up on the shed
* Agt^orang finds a nice cold squat
* Nyder starts smashing shopfront windows
<Agt^orang> Once upon a time there was an opless bot.
<Nyder> after we've done looting, can we all go to an opless bar?
<Agt^orang> Wasn't that an Edward Gorey book? The opless bot?
<zompist> and a botless op... there's a @ wandering the net somewhere...
<zompist> this is an opless bar.
<Agt^orang> repeat: situation opless. self-destruct mechanism engaged.
<Nyder> spinnbot, is the situation opless?
<spinnbot> Nyder, Sometime in the near future. Ask again tomorrow.

<Agt^orang> is zomp here? you need to add a little England to your map for Nyder
<wabewalkr> That sounds like a vague sexual euphemism: "I need to add a little England to my map."
<Agt^orang> wabe: just close your eyes, baby, and think of england

<RJak> while you're still fresh, Rave: http://members.aol.com/brtnyjsprs/berry.html
<Da_Raven> Clean for work viewing, RJak?
<RJak> eh...well, it's backstreet boys porn. your call.
<spinn> I dunno, I'm not getting the attraction.
<spinn> seems just insipid. no lack of insipid on the web
<RJak> when someone writes porn about you, spinn, it'll be time to worry.
<Da_Raven> The name "Berry Smoothie" just makes me embarassed for them.
<RJak> the story itself makes me embarrased.
<Leth^> "baisbol has bin berry berry smooth to me"
<agt_orang> I'm Berry Smoothie, and this is my friend, Cherry Frappe
<spinn> seems to feature backstreet boys nervously backing away from sex
<spinn> so you know how she captures that realism
<RJak> "sex? uh...well...excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom for a while..."

<spinn> and I think I'll also have, like, secret areas of expertise
<spinn> things they don't want posted publicly but might be willing to use
<agt_orang> I speak arabic and can kill a man fifteen ways using only an egg separator
<Leth^> agt: cholesterol overdoses?
<SeanQ> "I can almost type"
<agt_orang> that is only one of the fifeten
<spinn> sean, I don't know anybody else who knows anything about coins
<SeanQ> oh, yeah, that'll be useful
<spinn> who said "useful"?
<StanXhiao> I can get rid of the evidence....
<spinn> this doesn't mean you think, huh, what could I use to piss people off. I know, my knowledge of coins!
<SeanQ> "This looks like a dime. Glad I could help."
<agt_orang> thank god. that liberal arts degree finally pays off!

<StanXhiao> http://visitourwebsite.com/SmithToys/strength.htm
<StanXhiao> only for those of you with broadband
<StanXhiao> Believe it or not, someone employs this guy to do Java developing
<StanXhiao> That's why he uses a 500K animated gif
<spinn> smith toys, inc. intuitively located at visitourwebsite.com!
<SeanQ> mirrored at dontwejustsuck.com

<spinn> there's a guy in work all into ff8 now
<spinn> and I keep telling him, shut the hell up, I already have a starcraft problem
<spinn> it's like discussing the benefits of crack when I'm already hooked on speed
<TMR> I'm tellin' ya, crystal meth.
<RJak> speedball.
<Kyol> spinn: What, you can't get those damn zergs to breed fast enough?
<Kyol> "Breed _faster_ you lousy puritans!"
<CrzyClmbr> that's the problem. we're talking crack and speed, and spinn needs spanish fly.
<RJak> "Spawn right HERE you morons!"
<TMR> Or some hawt zerg pr0n.
<RJak> they're already naked, roach.
<Kyol> Yeah, but they aren't doing _this_...

<dpk> lingerie is all panties, i guess. where the hell have i been living
<zompist> the armies of incompetent schoolgirl-uniformed enemies sound promising...
<RJak> i checked. No tentacles.
<zompist> what was george lucas thinking? people don't want to see guys in turtle-shaped armor! they want schoolgirls!
<RJak> they would have sold out better!
<RJak> i'd buy hundreds of their action figures!

<dpk> this guy is trying to sell me PRIs
<zompist> what, the ruling party in mexico?
<dpk> and T1s. and ATM.
<dpk> he barely knew his company's web site.. no thanks
<spinn> heh, really?
<spinn> in what way?
<dpk> he's like "gstcorp .. dot com, i think"
<spinn> "what's that thing you type at the front again? h...tt...d?"
<spinn> "backslash backslash..."
<dpk> "double-u double-u gstcorp dot... uh"
<spinn> "k12.wa.us?"

*** CTCP PING reply from StanXhiao: 26 seconds
<Da_Raven> 26 seconds - he's getting farther out.
<Da_Raven> It's like watching an astronaut whose tether snapped, a slow drift into oblivion.
<kaufman> ground control to major stan
<SeanQ> Ground Control to Major Domo
*** SeanQ is now known as MajorDomo
<MajorDomo> Tell my wife Petit I love her very much...

<spinn> oh, here's a neato little graphic I'd forgotten about
<spinn> http://www.spinnwebe.com/stories/downtime/spinnwebe3.gif
<CrzyClmbr> hey! it spins!
<StanXhiao> Ominously
<dpk> seductively
<Da_Raven> Kind of a funereal spin.
<Da_Raven> Very scythy.

<SeanQ> fucking a, i just got ambushed
<SeanQ> i hate when people stand in your office until you do them their favor, just to get them the fuck out
<Leth^> That's why I eat a lot of Korean food for lunch. Then I just exhale a lot at them
<Leth^> Kim-chee breath is great for scaring people away
<SeanQ> my desk is ready to collapse under the weight of tasks for patient people, and this dickweed comes marching in and stands next to my chair until I pay attention
<e-Elkman> You should get a trap door.
<e-Elkman> In fact, we have some on sale at www.trap-doors.com!
<TomFish> Point at him and yell something about a large dog
* SeanQ throws handsful of money at e-Elkman
* TomFish drives up to Elkman with a truckload of money
<SeanQ> ---> eDpk: register www.flaming-pit.com... quickly
<e-Elkman> Warning: Trap doors may be ineffective if your office is not located over a basement.
<SeanQ> hey, is this thing Y2K compliant?
<Leth^> heheh, ever seen http://www.trap-door.com/ ??
<e-Elkman> Sure, as long as you aren't using a computer to trigger the thing.
<TomFish> and you're using the hindu calender

<RJak> we go heppin' wif de bane pone.
<RJak> rang onsum latmon sookles.
* RJak has gone creole.
<kaufman> rjak: is that another dirt snakeism?
<StanXhiao> Squeezed some gumbo into the brinepot, eh?
<RJak> git yo' hairy ass off th' collared greens fore I whop you wit' th' shovel!
<kaufman> blackened the ol' catfish
<StanXhiao> Sucked the head of a crawdad dry
<Nyder> New meaning to the phrase "creole prawns"

<RJak> can I feed the horses some cock a leeky soup, mum?
<Nyder> RJak: only if you cock the leekie yourself.
<RJak> can I spot the dick?
<RJak> bang the bangers?
<Leth^> Bangers with spotted dick - the filthiest non-dirty phrase
<RJak> christ, all the food in England sounds suggestive.

<LJ-atwork> my car is dead
<LJ-atwork> long live my car
<Mr-Ben> All hail LadyJ's car!
<LJ-atwork> all hail ladyJ's car by sending donations to the LadyJ Needs Wheels Foundation
<Mr-Ben> Uh...I have some lupins.
<LJ-atwork> monetary donations.
<CrzyLunch> I have some videogame tokens you could redeem.
<Leth^> I've got some lint, a button, and two paper clips
<Leth^> oh, and a pen cap
<Mr-Ben> I've also got an old Cheap Trick record upstairs.

<CrzyClmbr> if there were a key under the doormat, i'd tell you, but since there are used dime bags in the doorway, we decided against that.
<spinn> oh, that's a point. you could just tell me where you live and I could find my own way in
<spinn> and leave me a can of ginger ale too
<CrzyClmbr> well, you know the corner. should be easy to narrow down from there.
<spinn> oh, yah, I'll just hit apartments til I find the disk
<CrzyClmbr> it's in the front closet, but i don't know which box.
<CrzyClmbr> and it would be great if you could feed the cat, too.

<Nyder> Very Bladerunner.
<StanXhiao> Dickish.
<Nyder> Dickesque?
<Leth^> Phallesque
<Nyder> Phallacious
<Leth^> Phallariffic
<kaufman> Penisque
<Nyder> Penile
<Nyder> Dickensian
<Nyder> Very Orwell
<Leth^> Don Johnson
<StanXhiao> Chestertonian
<kaufman> priapistic

<Nyder> Sorry. Bloody demon.co.uk timeouts.
<Leth^> stupid ocean
<CrzyClmbr> goddamned underwater cable.
<Nyder> you'd think they'd do it by satelite, but oh no...
<Leth^> each IP packet is shipped across by ocean liner
<Nyder> which inevitably hits an iceberg
<CrzyClmbr> in a crate made by the Amish
<Leth^> rowed by Viking galley slaves
<Nyder> fed only bread and urine
<Leth^> and lovingly dipped in the finest Swiss chocolate

<CrzyClmbr> most people carve whales or guns out of soap. Leth carves Billy out of soap.
<Leth^> heheh...that was a figurine someone was selling on eBay
<CrzyClmbr> i like my story better, leth. sorry.
<Leth^> yeah, actually I do too
<Leth^> "It's a skill I picked up while in the Pen"
<Leth^> "I'd spend the long cold nights in my cell carving Family Circle figurines out of Ivory Soap"
<K_Man> Just don't pick up the Billy in the shower.
<CrzyClmbr> on the other hand, you could probably trade billy for cigarettes.
<Leth^> "My cellmate Ray Washington seemed to really like them in an unwholesome way though"

<Photon> Wow, you can have your very own created by amy site for only $450
<Photon> Ooo, and that comes with THREE scanned images!
<K_Man> REALLY?
* K_Man signs up immediately!
<spinn> y'know, she has an image scanning service.
<spinn> six bucks, she scans a picture for you.
<K_Man> That ain't bad.
<spinn> hm. so I wonder how she'd react to scanning, like, pics of my naked body with "amy" written all over it in lipstick
<Elkman> I knew I was wasting money on my scanner and my digital camera.
<Da_Raven> That would almost be worth the $450.
<Photon> It doesn't even have to be your body
<spinn> oh, no, six bucks a pic
* Da_Raven digs in her wallet.

<SeanQ> am I the only one having trouble reading the main page, though?
* RJak has fallen asleep reading the main page
<Leth^> heheh....see? I told ya
<Leth^> I'm glad she didn't put up a guestbook
<SeanQ> why, she wouldn't be excited to know Abe Vigoda had visited?
<RJak> "Dear person, I am using your webpage as a cure for insomnia. Thank you for...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Re: weaponry in the ministeri logo]
<Da_Raven> I can see doing without; the idea of one's deadly weapons being tastefully invisible. Until they end up in your neck.
<Nyder> The editores are the ones who don't need to carry weapons cos the tenenti do it for them.
<Da_Raven> Oh, the ministeri have weapons...oh, yes, we do...
<kaufman> we have ... mice.
<Da_Raven> Silent shivs in the night kind of weapons.
<Da_Raven> And mice

<Elkman> Contestants may win the Spinnoff Home Game or a year's supply of Turtle Wax. spinn's wardrobe by Botany 500.
<spinn> I wonder, is a year's supply of turtle wax, like one rag with some tutlewax on it?
<Nyder> I'd rather win a year's supply of soylent green
* SeanQ heard from a source that Stan likes to "wax the turtle"
<StanXhiao> Wax on, wax off.
<Elkman> It's probably a case of Turtle Wax. Yeah, like I'm going to spend two hours EVERY Saturday waxing my car.

<zompist> now we know the basic jedi strategy for dealing with sith... die and let your apprentice handle it.
<MisterQ> Worked twice so far
<wabewalkr> Yeah. So if you want to be a Jedi and live, do not take on an apprentice.
<MisterQ> But I bet this is why the Jedi almost became extinct
<wabewalkr> Too, too many apprentices.
<MisterQ> You don't see Luke with an apprentice? Yoda takes one and dies.
<wabewalkr> "Master Luke, I want to be your apprentice!" "Fuck off, kid!" *zzoooot!* Would-be apprentice bits all over the sidewalk...

<zompist> i bet nobody from the internet generation is going to be able to be senate confirmation.
<wabewalkr> Sure... they'll just blackmail the confirmers.
<Da_Raven> Heh. "And here we have a jpeg of your genital piercings..."
<MisterQ> "Those could be anyone's genital piercings"
<zompist> "...and here's your posting on myfirsttime.com..."
<MisterQ> "um... it was airbrushed!"
<Da_Raven> Ugh, I don't think anyone posting there could be redeemable enough for public office.
<wabewalkr> Unless they're going for intern and have enormous proturbances.
<MisterQ> that would be public orifice.

<spinn> beating off mercilessly.
<spinn> "Haha! Oh...oh...ohhh...muhuhahaha! mmmm...yes..."
<MisterQ> you okay, spinn?
<spinn> yeahyeah
<spinn> that's the supervillan beating off mercilessly
<spinn> look, /you/ try being malevolent while pleasuring yourself

<maime> That means nothing to a card carrying makeup whore.
<TheEnigma> You carry a card that says "Makeup Whore" on it?
<maime> No but I like to call myself a card carrying makeup whore when the occassion arises.
<maime> Its difficult to explain.
<TheEnigma> Like right now, for instance.
<maime> Exactly

<MisterQ> Save the Mentaly Healthy! They're an endangered species.
<Da_Raven> But how do you get them to mate and reproduce?
<MisterQ> We'll clone them!
<sol-D> we'll breed them with others of their kind!
<sol-D> in a few generations they will be assimilated intot he mainstream!
<sol-D> into...the
<zompist> well, you have to-- the mentally healthy won't go for anyone mentally unhealthy-- if they did they'd be mentally unhealthy like the rest of us.
<MisterQ> Then, the Mentaly Healthy species will be no more
<zompist> remembered only by their web pages.
<MisterQ> The Mentaly Healthy have web pages?
<zompist> EVERYBODY has a web page these days!
<Da_Raven> They just don't get found when you're searching for precious girlie nipples.

<Elkman> "I am the Author, and I want to comment on my book."
<ev0ldpk> By submitting this form, I affirm that I am the Author named above or the Author's authorized representative.
<Elkman> I just wonder what God would say in an Amazon review.
<ev0ldpk> sure, i'm god's authorized representanive.
<ev0ldpk> I just wanted to apologize to everyone out there. Sorry.
<ev0ldpk> well, if i were god, that's what i'd say, anyway.. heh.
<mdxi> HELLO IM GOD IM HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY BOK. SORRY, IM NEW TO THIS INNERNET THING. A/L/S? JUST KIDDING I KNOW THAT ALREADY! HAHA! BUT SER IOUSLY READ MY BOOK ITS REALLY GOOD AND IF YOU DONT YOUR GONIG TO HELL! HAHA! NO REALLY! LOVE, GOD.
<Elkman> "SIGN MY GUEST BOOK!"

<Elkman> And if God had a personal web page, he'd probably have to have a poll.
<ev0ldpk> and tons of animated gifs
<kaufman> Should I take back Oral Roberts? o Yes o No
<kaufman> Which is your favorite Commandment? o 5 o 8 o All of them
<ev0ldpk> Are you going to hell? o Yes o Yes
<kaufman> What do you think of my Creation? o Really good o Okay, but could be improved o It's stupid crap
<Elkman> What do you really think my Son was trying to tell you? o Hate homosexuals and everyone who's different o Love everyone and be generous to the poor
<Da_Raven> Do you think Hell is o an eternal lake of fire? o tha t brimstone crap? o other people? o ...especially Fundamentalists?
<mdxi> oh, i feel a spoof website forming in my head...
<Leth^> and I have all this unused web space, and I need something else to get my mother to disown me again....
<Leth^> I think she's over my marrying a JEwish girl, so a God spoof website is in order

<mdxi> so, until 0CE, was it just God and the Holy Ghost, shacked up?
<ev0ldpk> they're seperate things?
<ev0ldpk> there's so much i don't know. and i'm so glad.
<mdxi> and if God and hid boyfriend and his _kid_ all live together now, how can Christians hate gays?
<Elkman> Well, there's a difference between just living together and doing the nasty.
<Leth^> I wonderif that's why it was a virgin birth... God's too gay to do it the natural way...or was just being faithful to his S.O., the Holy Spirit
<mdxi> they're not fooling anyone. how else could they be "inseparable" and "different but the same" and all those other theological rationalizations?

<CrzyClmbr> whooo, slipped in under the wire. schizophrenia not diagnosed.
<CrzyClmbr> of course, that's only valid for one of me.
<spinn> cc: this assumes that you actually are in this channel
<Elkman> I think they have "Altoid Dependence" listed here, too.
<Elkman> Oh, wait. That's "Opioid Dependence".
<Da_Raven> "Do you find yourself frequently blowing mints out your nose?"
<ev0ldpk> wow. i have probable psychotic disorder with superimposed depressive episode
<ev0ldpk> sweet
<ev0ldpk> i should put that on my business card.

<LJ-atwork> Elkman: nope... sign it something kitschy like in the other advice columns
<LJ-atwork> depressed in delaware or sad in san fran or something lik ethat
<SeanQ> "Phucked Up in Philly"
<Elkman> "Insulted in Indiana"... even though I'm from Minnesota
<mdxi> Bent-over in Boston
<SeanQ> "Grabbing My Ankles in Anchorage"
<SeanQ> "Split in Two in Tuscon"
<SeanQ> signed: Lubed Up in Lubbock
<StanXhiao> Dangling in Dallas

<mdxi> your pop caught you smokin' and he said "NO WAY"
<mdxi> dat hypocrite smokes two packs a DAY
<mdxi> livin' at HOME is such a DRAG
<mdxi> your mom threw AWAY your best porno MAG
<Elkman> Is this a song, or your life story?
<CrzyClmbr> not ruling out "both" here :)
<mdxi> it's a song, of course. i'd never smoke.
<Elkman> I was referring to the porno, actually.

<Photon> !babel By the vaginal juices of Aunt Jemima, that is one gigantic pancake!
<spinnbot> babel: by way of italian...
<spinnbot> babel: From the spremute vaginali of aunt Jemima, that one is a pancake gigantic!
<Leth^> Spremute vaginali! Dat's-a spicy-a meatball!
<mdxi> "spremute vaginali". gaaaaaaaack
<TomFish> I'm never gonna be able to eat a pancake agin
<TomFish> I'm an Aunt Jemima Jumo-Waffle eater
<Elkman> Not with syrup, anyway.

<dpk> hmm.. it's probably not good that my heart rate is at like 160, while laying down for 10 minutes
<CrzyClmbr> on the other hand, dpk, you've got a job where you can lay down for 10 minutes.
<dpk> there is that, yeah
<dpk> for the past.. hmm.. 3 days i've been able to really feel my heart beat.. i can hear it and stuff.
<dpk> i dunno if that is normal or not. heh.
<SeanQ> i'd vote "no" on that being normal, dpk
<CrzyClmbr> it's when it starts talking to me that i worry, personally.
<CrzyClmbr> "feeeeeed me. bring me bloooooooood."
<SeanQ> eh, don't worry, have another sticky bun

<spinn> all windows on your computer should be closed at all times or you have a virus.
<spinn> the only way you can stop it from spreading is by finding your network patch panel and pulling out random cables as quickly as you can.
<SeanQ> tell her she has to spray antihistimene into her disk drive now
<RJak> smack the hard drive with a meat tenderizer.
<SeanQ> or cover her mouse with Vick's Vap-o-Rub
<spinn> DO NOT READ THE TEXT IN THE WINDOW. IT COULD CAUSE AN EMBOLISM.

<mdxi> oh great. a 12 year-old in Canada stabbed a 14 year-old in the shoulder over a pokemon card.
<zompist> well, that seems justified.
<Leth^> I think Doc would do that
<Leth^> If it was a good card
<ikaros> Fortunately, when I was 14, the 'big thing' was Pet Rocks. You could get those anywhere.
<Leth^> "Yeah, you want my rock?" <WHAP> "There!"
<Elkman> My parents wouldn't let me have a pet rock. They were worried it was going to leave messes all over the place.

<TheDodge> Yes, we did fuck like monkeys, thanks for reminding me
<Leth^> swinging from tree branches and feces flinging?
<TheDodge> Straight up...pelting with the poo as they say
<ThDoc> Masturbating all the while
<wabewalkr> Coprophlingia?
<Leth^> well, at least monkeys have very stable tents

<LJ-atwork> spinn? worrying about sounding like a smartass?
<LJ-atwork> sign of the apocalypse?
<spinn> yes, you're right, I am entirely one-dimensional.
<spinn> smartass is required of me, 24/7.
<spinn> I have a engineer on call with a beeper if smartass is required at 3am.
<K_Man> Smart ass.
<wabewalkr> If they can call me upstairs for a fake orgasm with five minutes notice, you can be on-call for being a smartass. Stranger things have happened.

<SeanQ> what does this one mean; Playing a role with major importance in the landscaping of the European Electronic Economy, in all its flavors.
<spinn> it means they have vanilla and strawberry
<SeanQ> i like the Chocolate European Electronic Economy with rainbow sprinkles
<StanXhiao> What about Dutch Chocolate?
<Kaufman_> French Vanilla
<Kaufman_> English Toffee
<Kaufman_> Luxembourian Licorice
<StanXhiao> Spanish Fly
<Kaufman_> German Skinhead Lime
<Kaufman_> Eurodisney Lemon

<SeanQ> hey stan, how'd the blowing go?
<StanXhiao> mmmmpph!
<StanXhiao> fwa kiw da bawooooooons!
<StanXhiao> I haven't blown that hard since....
<StanXhiao> since.....
<StanXhiao> I don't think I've /ever/ blwon that hard!
* zompist wonders if he wants to know the context for stan's remark.
<StanXhiao> Not since Checkers was a pup, certainly
<StanXhiao> Not since Grandma's labia gushed
<Da_Raven> That was so much more than I ever needed to know about your grandmother.....
<zompist> i'm sure all labia gush *sometime*.
<Elkman> Not mine.
<Elkman> Oh, wait... nevermind.

<maime> Now its just when I say one of the magic words.
<Trainman> Well, I'm all in favor of disturbing spinn, because he's a...oh, wait, he's standing behind me, isn't he?
<maime> Cause spinn is always looking for a reason TO YELL AT ME
<zompist> he's off braiding debb's hair.
<maime> Last time he was tattooing her?
<zompist> well, she only has so much skin area.

<wabewalkr> Somebody explain the HASTUR caption to me.
<MisterQ> I can't it's unspeakable.
<zompist> speak hastur amid the noise and waste.
<TheEnigma> I just know that he is The One Who Must Not Be Names
<zompist> hastur is greg?
<Da_Raven> I always think of Good Omens when I think of Hastur.
<wabewalkr> The cereal?
<Da_Raven> There's a cereal named Good Omens?
<Da_Raven> That's a little scary,
<zompist> wheaty mysticia in every bite!
<MisterQ> I'm sure it's better than the 'Bad Omens' cerial
<wabewalkr> No, that's Crunchy 9-Balls.

<Da_Raven> Ah, artichoke season again. Mmmmmm....
* zompist shoots at a few artichokes, but misses.
<Da_Raven> I rustled up two of them for dinner. :)
<sol-D> you have to lay traps..they're too fast to shoot
<MisterQ> It's the big ones you have to be carefull of.
* sol-D gets some atrichoke bait and and runs 10,000 volts through it...

<zompist> i read a book by a forensic anthropologist who mentioned that the cadaver room can smell right pleasant if someone's been burned to death.
<sol-D> wow, that's...cool.
<MisterQ> especially if they used the right spices
<MisterQ> Besides, most people's brains arn't fully developed yet. They aren't ripe yet.
<sol-D> you could always speed-ripen, like you do with fruit...set the brains in a sunny windowsil...

* Da_Raven finally gets a chance to start A Clash of Kings....
<sol-D> whuzzat?
<zompist> a big fight among male impersonators.
<zompist> i think it was on springer.
<wabewalkr> Drag Kings?
<MisterQ> that clash
<zompist> the first was a brouhaha among marquises.
<MisterQ> A Catfight of Queens
<Da_Raven> It's a terrible sight, when drag kings clash... "Plaids and checks? Eeeew."
<wabewalkr> Later, A Bloodfest of Emperors.
<TheEnigma> Then, A Petty Bickering Amongst Dukes
<Da_Raven> A Snit Between Earls
<MisterQ> Then the prequel, A Dung Thrown Among Peons
<TheEnigma> Mild Irritability Between Landlords
<sol-D> Annoyance among Landlords
<TheEnigma> Maybe one entitled Chancellors In A Snit
<sol-D> Uppity Vice presidents
<zompist> blood wars of the channel ops

<sol-D> Name: "Yael" Sign: Taurus
<sol-D> Trouble: There's this boy I like. We're like "in the same social group" and we're both very smart and get all A+'s and stuff and we laugh and sometimes we do a contest on who finishes 15 pages of math first or something and he's really cute, and I don't look bad myself. The problem is that he has a "girlfriend" in another city, but he never sees her. I think he likes me. What should I do?
<sol-D> My Advice: It's a familiar story: Girl goes to school. Girl meets boy in "nerd clique." Girl and boy flirt awkwardly through academics. Girl likes boy. Boy invents fictitious long-distance girlfriend. I hear it all the time. What you need to do is give this relationship a jumpstart; Invite Scooter to your house for a study date. Once he's inside, corner him in the rec room and announce, "Tonight we'll be cramming Biology." Then start doing just that.
<zompist> hey ba-bay, wanna cram some biology?
<sol-D> Wanna calculate the pheremone level in this room?

<MisterQ> I have no idea what I have been talking about for the past hour
<MisterQ> Must be satan in the wiring again
<sol-D> you should call an exterminator
<MisterQ> I just sprayed some Evil Off: Heaven fresh scent in the room
<sol-D> Yeah, but that's only a temporary fix...
<sol-D> You should get the evil-off plug ins. They last for 6 months, and there are very little occurences of homes burning down..

<TMR> gag!
<TheEnigma> Hack!
<TheEnigma> Squee!
<MisterQ> bork!
<sol-D> mwa?
<Da_Raven> puma?
<TheEnigma> Haruuuug.
<Da_Raven> Ia, Ia!
<TMR> ingo-ingo-ingo-ingo-ingo-ingo-ingo...
<TheEnigma> Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath!
<sol-D> Eviiiil, evil is his one and ooooonly game...
<TMR> HASTUR!
<MisterQ> Goldfinger....
<TMR> I pity the poor bastard who reads IRC out loud.

<TheEnigma> Whereas "Agnes Blakeley's tiny, perky pink nipples" don't belong in the jargon file at all.
<mdxi> they belong in your mouth
<DarthElk> Not in your hand?
<TheEnigma> Dude....it depends.
<TheEnigma> What if Agnes Blakely is 86?
<TheEnigma> Then they belong in YOUR mouth.
<mdxi> me? nah, i don't like nipples. no way.
<TheEnigma> Don't be shy. You know you crave the nipples of an 86-year old woman.
<TheEnigma> We're here to be supportive of you.
<TheEnigma> But not for that.
<TheEnigma> Because that's just fucking sick.
<mdxi> well, you did say they were "tiny, perky and pink", which is not suggestive of nipples which have endured 86 hard northeastern winters.
<TheEnigma> Did I SAY she was Northern?
<TheEnigma> Fine.
<TheEnigma> She's 12.
<TheEnigma> Enjoy, you sick fuck.
<mdxi> make it "Andy" instead of "Agnes" and you got a deal
* DarthElk worries about mdxi
<TheEnigma> How about I make it "Crystal."
<TheEnigma> Wait a second....she'll still be 12.

<kaufman> coming soon to an irc near you: #spinnitpick and #spinnanal
<Elkman> I'd be afraid to see who comes to a channel named anything "anal".
<spinn> yeah, especially with my name in it
<agtorange> anal spinning? count me in!
<agtorange> whirrrrrr
<kaufman> mooooooooore aaaaaarrrrr pppppeeeee emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

<TomFish> don't you have to bribe someone to get accepted to iadl?
<zompist> the bribe rate is way down, now that there's more editors, tom.
<Da_Raven> Yes, and we like quality dark chocolate.
<zompist> when it was just kc, it required sex acts.
<zompist> you can send me candy corn.
<StanXhiao> do you include candy corn in the sex acts?

<spinn> Our Mission Statement: WE strive to provide our customers with a proactive mission statement that fits their requirements to be empowered with today's buzzwords and otherwise unencumbered by meaning.
<Da_Raven> Our Mission Statement: I like waffles.
<mdxi> the Vision Statement would be: "We evision ourselves not sucking"
<TomFish> My Vision Statement: Do enough work to keep everyone off my back.
<TomFish> Vision statement: Check to make no one is watching when I go to add captions to todd
<Elkman> My vision statement: Stay here as long as I need to, until I get a new job.

<mdxi> Sysadmin NetHack!
<mdxi> The Netscape summons help! --More--
<mdxi> The Netscape hits! --More--
<mdxi> You feel yourself slowing down. --More--
<mdxi> You kill -9 the csh! --More--
<mdxi> You feel wise. --More--
<mdxi> The sendmail breathes SPAM! --More--
<mdxi> You are hit by a blast of SPAM! --More--
<mdxi> But it reflects from your filter ...

<SeanQ> and happy anniversary, BTW
<CrzyClmbr> which one - paper, rock, scissors?
<CrzyClmbr> Can't remember fourth and fifth anniversary gifts
<agtorange> 4th: Bauxite 5th: sausage
<Da_Raven> Paper, plastic, wicker, chewing gum, comfy socks, toothpicks, right?
<JasG> Fourth is Wood, Fifth is Rotting Colon.

<zompist> talk about something else besides randy! breasts! superman! muffins!
* mdxi votes for breasts
<CrzyClmbr> "Nice breasts, Superman! Have a muffin!"
<RJak> randy is to breasts as superman is to ___________
<mdxi> "Hey, Supe! I'll give you a muffin if I can feel up Lois!"
<mdxi> no wait, Lois Lane sucks. I was thinking of Mary Jane Parker.
* zompist is trying to think of hoseable superhero pals.
<agtorange> "Bwahahaha, Superman! Those hormone-laced muffins have given you great pendulous breasts!"

<RJak> that's a scary title. "Grand Muffin" Tarkin.
<agtorange> Next installment will feature Darth Woofles.
<RJak> Darth Fluffy Bunny
<CrzyClmbr> Darth Pokemon
<RJak> Darth Squirtle
<RJak> "Sir, we have rebels in the perimiter" "Darth Squirtle, use your Dark Water Gun!"

<RJak> I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!!!
<RJak> honest...please dont hurt me...
* Da_Raven gives RJak a mug of cocoa. With little marshmallows.
<Elkman> Did you give him the mug with the poison, or without?
* RJak checks to make sure there's no strychnine in it first.
<zompist> !8ball is there any strychnine in rjak's cocoa?
<spinnbot> zompist, Not bloody likely.
* RJak gives the mug to mdxi.
<RJak> you first

<RJak> The super group, Metallica, in the song "Jump In the Fire", commands young people to jump into hell:
* Elkman has listened to that song, but hasn't jumped into hell yet.
* Elkman just works there.
* Da_Raven must be the next cubicle over...
<TMR> Jumping into hell?
<TMR> How high is the diving board?
<Da_Raven> And do they let you do cannonballs?
<RJak> swan dive! swan dive!

<RJak> hey! they want you to choose life and death here!
<zompist> remember trainspotting... choose life.
<mdxi> DEATH...or cake?
<Da_Raven> Cake, please.
<zompist> death.
<zompist> NO! cake!
*** Mr-Ben has joined channel #spinnwebe
<zompist> hey, ben. death or cake?
<Mr-Ben> Given that choice, I'd take option "C", turning around and running away very fast.

<Elkman> Quick. What's the wife's name?
<Photon2> They have names?
<Da_Raven> They have no names.
<StanXhiao> So far I've seen no names
<spinn> I figure their names are like Provider of Food, Ear Scratcher, Buyer of IceCream, Slobber Receptacle, etc.
<Photon2> Startled houseguest
<spinn> Dog Wellness Provider #1, Dog Wellness Provider #2, Dog Wellness Provider #3...
<kaufman_> Mercury, Venus, Earth, ....
<kaufman_> 'cause you see, they all orbit around this BFD

<spinnbot> last caption: todd 6: Bizarro daddy freezes pancake lunch... oh goodbye, microscopic miniature kitten!
<BFStan> miniscule satan-blessed pussy
<BFZomp> actually satan-blessed should mean the same as god-damned
<BFKauf> mortal-blessed then
<BFZomp> it's luciferrific!
<BFmdxi> oh i'm sure they agree on some things...
<BFZomp> god and satan both agree: running the universe is a great job; furplay is a putz; telemarketers are a pain in the ass; jesus looks fetching in white linen.

<BigOlSpin> hey, yeah, that'll be the spinnwebe password
<BigOlSpin> two guys in overcoats
<BigOlSpin> "I see you have a dog."
<BigOlSpin> "yes, you have noticed?"
<BigOlSpin> "how could I not. it is a big fucking dog."
<BigOlSpin> "A big fucking dog indeed."
<BigOlSpin> "hello, dmitri."

<Leth^> stupid ocean
<CrzyClmbr> goddamned underwater cable.
<Nyder> you'd think they'd do it by satelite, but oh no...
<Leth^> each IP packet is shipped across by ocean liner
<Nyder> which inevitably hits an iceberg
<CrzyClmbr> in a crate made by the Amish
<Leth^> rowed by Viking galley slaves
<Nyder> fed only bread and urine
<Leth^> and lovingly dipped in the finest Swiss chocolate

<SeanQ> where are you guys finding these sites?
<Elkman> WHY are you guys finding these sites?
<CrzyClmbr> and why are you telling us about these sites? :)
* CrzyClmbr still hasn't been to the grilled testicles site
<StanXhiao> me either
<StanXhiao> I see enough of that at home
<StanXhiao> Down here we call 'em "calf fries"
<Elkman> In Dallas?
* Elkman lived in Dallas for 4 1/2 years and never encountered "calf fries".
<StanXhiao> Oh, they're here
<CrzyClmbr> They're in Stan's basement, Elk.
<StanXhiao> More of a Fort Worth thing, though
<Da_Raven> Yeah, in Dallas, it's more of a holiday treat.

<Photon3> not as bad as stupid orbitz.. did anyone ever actually drink that stuff?
<Elkman> I tried it once.
<Elkman> That fact will probably come up if I ever run for president, but hey.
<TomFish> that crap with the balls of gel floating in it?
<Photon3> Yikes.. whenever I saw it in a store it was always covered with a layer of dust
<Elkman> I have a coworker who's trying to see if the balls ever settle out of solution. So far, they haven't.
<TomFish> it looks like a bottle of hair-gel or something
<agtorang> Now With FlavorBuboes!
<agtorang> Pop 'em for a burst of Plague-eriffic taste!
<TomFish> orbitz less snot by only 50%
<agtorang> actually opening a bottle automatically alerts the CDC in atlanta...you don't stand a chance.

<Da_Raven> Man, I would have had so much fun with school prayer while I was in school.
<Da_Raven> I would have *so* insisted on the right to worship strange and disruptive gods....
<Elkman> Oh, that'd easily set the fundies off.
<Da_Raven> Hey, they insisted on school prayer!
<Da_Raven> I'd just be participating fully. :)
<Elkman> "We demand the freedom of religion... as long as it's the CORRECT religion!"
<Da_Raven> "So, where should I keep my snakes, Mr. Smith?"
<Da_Raven> "I need refrigeration for my goat's blood!"
<agtorang> "Dear God, please kill every one of these sonsabitches. ..What? What's the problem?"
<Da_Raven> "Mighty Thor, smite the unbelievers with your mighty thunder hammer!"
<agtorang> "Mrs. Taylor? Um, God told me to skin you alive..."
<TomFish> "And God, please let my aim be true and my trigger-finger quick as I take out each and every one of the infidels."

<spinn> would you people be much pissed if I took advertising?
<Da_Raven> How annoying would it be?
<CrzyClmbr> oooh, popup windows
<Da_Raven> Popup windows and we'll send someone to your house to break your kneecaps. Probably me.
<spinn> remember what I said about me becoming a born-again christian? same applies for using popup windows

<Elkman> Last time I tried that, my manager asked me if I was dying.
<CrzyClmbr> And you told him, "We all are," Elk?
<Da_Raven> "Every damn day, sir."
<spinn> Gallant clears his throat gently. Goofus hacks up a loogie.
<Elkman> Gallant takes a non-drowsy decongestant. Goofus loads up on Nyquil and codeine.
* Da_Raven is a firm believer of NyQuil during illness. I want to wake up on the other side.
<spinn> goofus should probably load up on myquil and jim beam
<Da_Raven> "When 15% alcohol just isn't enough..."

<Elkman> Goofus grows up to be Parade Kid. Gallant grows up to be Famewolf.
<Elkman> Ugh, there's no clear winner there.
* CrzyClmbr chokes on his Altoids as he stifles laughter.
<Da_Raven> That's Elk's goal : to someday use his awesome powers to kill....
<CrzyClmbr> These cinnamon Altoids may beat him to it, but I can't stop having them.
<Elkman> That'd be an interesting police report. "You say the killer was in Minneapolis? And he killed the victim with an Altoid?"

<spinn> "Hi, I'm furplay! Doop dee doo!"
<spinn> "I like pickles! Heeyuck! I wantsa screw me a mountain lion!"
<TomFish> Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such usenet groups as alt.sex.crustacion and alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.lobster
<SeanQ> "Does you got fur and big titties? email me!"
<spinn> "cawse I liked fur 'n big titties!"

<TomFish> what's y2k?
<StanXhiao> It's a kind of tropical fish
<StanXhiao> pronounced "yewtuk"
<CrzyClmbr> does it have breasts?
<StanXhiao> Big ones.
<StanXhiao> Wet ones.
<StanXhiao> Big wet ones.
<CrzyClmbr> whoo hoo, i'm not allergic to those!
<Da_Raven> And here I've been pronouncing it EE-took.
<CrzyClmbr> rave - that's the french.
<StanXhiao> That's the Norwegian pronunciation, Raven.
<Da_Raven> You have a breast allergy, CC?
<CrzyClmbr> no, a fish allergy
<Da_Raven> Eating or groping?
<TomFish> don't you be groping my groupers
<CrzyClmbr> So far, just eating, which is why i figure groping's OK

<Da_Raven> This Art Frahm site...I'll never eat celery again.
<spinn> heheh
<spinn> you'd better not
<spinn> that could be embarrassing
<spinn> well, no...just don't carry it in over-full shopping bags
<Da_Raven> Apparently, there was one underwear company back then, too.
<spinn> yeah
<spinn> the Too Fuckin' Big company
<Da_Raven> Luckily, I own no pink satiny underwear will lace trim. I think I'm safe, celery or no.
<spinn> teah, but we don't know the extent of the powers of celery

<StanXhiao> I was driving to Home Depot last weekend, passed what looked like a mother and teenage son walking down the sidewalk single-file
<StanXhiao> Both had phones to their ears
<StanXhiao> I turned to my son and said, "They're talking to each other."
<StanXhiao> He cracked up.
<StanXhiao> "Take a left at the next corner, son."
<StanXhiao> "Up yours, Mom, always telling me what to do."

<Elkman> Tom, I think you have to BUY two pounds of pork. They just don't give it away for free.
<TomFish> then you get the picture for free. who cares?
<TomFish> Imagine what you'd get if you slaughtered the pig yourself?
<CrzyClmbr> You take it back and get your money back, maybe.
<TomFish> PORK! PICTURES!
<TomFish> it all makes sense!
<Photon2> What if I just want a picture of pork?
<TomFish> I would want my free portrait with myself and the 2 pounds of pork that helped make it possible
<TomFish> well, that's all I had to say. Buy pork, get portraits

<dpk> spinn: i am grabbing the entire contents of the page in one bunch. i was trying to modify words with a .! or ? tacked on. my mistake was having "\n" in the regex and not "\r" as well.
<spinn_> actually I was talking to rave
<spinn_> but thanks for the perl update anyway
<dpk> no problem!
<dpk> let me know if i can spout more completely random, off-topic crap for the channel's enjoyment.
<mdxi> that sounds like *everything* in this channel
<kaufman_> sure, stan needs a break every now and then :-)
<mdxi> i like yarn

Disclaimer : These are actual IRC transcripts. Some editing has been done, either by arranging lines slightly (so conversational blocks look coherent), by deleting irrelevant lines, or lumping multiple consecutive lines by the same author together. For one or two people who used multiple aliases, I picked their most common alias and used it throughout. The actual text and/or the intent of the text has remained untouched. If any of the participants chronicled below have issues, objections or comments, please drop me a line.