IRC Quotes : Page 3

<PlaidTie> I blame the web hackers for this
<SepiaZomp> i blame society.
<SepiaZomp> and bill gates, just on principle.
<PlaidSam> I blame Milli Vanilli.
<PlaidTie> I blame John Rocker
<SepiaZomp> i blame some fuckhead in the 14th century.
<PlaidTie> I think the Chinese food delivery guy is split too, because I ordered 2 hours ago
<PlaidSam> hey...if you see that 14th century fuckhead, have him give our messages to his son, etc. etc. and spinn & the rest can get them in real time.
<SepiaZomp> he thought you said "thaiboy", and sent the order to the thai restaurant next door.
<PlaidSam> Heh that zomp. What a wit.
<PlaidSam> Looks like shil liked it too.
<BlueShil> yeah. I did :)
<SepiaZomp> i also do bar mitzvahs and graduations.
<PlaidTie> i got a briss coming up. you free?
<SepiaZomp> sure... nothin' easier than 20 minutes of comedy about penis deformation.
<PlaidSam> Heck, that material writes itself.
<PlaidTie> it's funny 'cos it's true?
<SepiaZomp> yeah, the hard thing is deciding when to cut it off.

<lOO_Mnkys> Nori is such a bland name, you need something with a little more ... zip
<Nasedusch> such as?
<Agilent> Noseblow
<lOO_Mnkys> Nostrivent
<Agilent> The Ol'Spout
<zompist> something that just communicates the booger-lessening process.
<Agilent> no, you need more like, um
<zompist> eNori
<Agilent> Noquialorenti
<poopnspgt> Noriagent
<zompist> NoriCaes
<Agilent> with Noquialorenti Pro and Noquialorenti Active
<poopnspgt> me!
<lOO_Mnkys> Aquinor
<Nostrvent> Kemlori
<hockeyfag> boogernator
<lOO_Mnkys> Aquenostrispigotent
<poopnspgt> In Mute Nostril Agony? Try the norinator!

<Leth^> CC: actually, I could get one for $158, if'n I wanted to fly out of Manchester....
<CrzyClmbr> go for it, leth.
<Leth^> let's see if I can git that past the wife....
<CrzyClmbr> "Didn't I mention that? I know I told someone!"
<CrzyClmbr> well, as far as she knows, you're in training for work, right?
<CrzyClmbr> or that's your army reserve weekend or something.
<Leth^> nah, because work pays boocoo bucks for those trips, and covers everything but the hookers
<Samwise> Even those are partially subsidized.
<Leth^> and she already knows /why/ I'd be going out there.... hell, she still has the IADL with her in it bookmarked
<zompist> that's ok, the hookers are free at the pggtg!
<Leth^> Samwise: yeah, but we call them "Technical Advisors"
<zompist> damndamndamn! which one?
<CrzyClmbr> but they're in Ben's back yard, /not/ the basement.
<Leth^> the one where she's feeding our son in the stroller
<spinn> or showing him snot, depending who you ask
* Samwise won't way which IADL he's in
<Samwise> say, either
<agt_orang> we have ways of waking you walk.

<agt_orang> I wa oing to say...
<agt_orang> was going
<agt_orang> oing!
<zompist> oing comes up at just the right time.
<CrzyClmbr> the fnord of the 00s!
<agt_orang> can't keep a good oing down
<zompist> it's silly, it's kind, it's oing!
<TMR> New, improved oing!
<agt_orang> with richer bacon flavor
<TMR> Guaranteed to cure assholism!
<TMR> Just apply to the tip of a dart, insert into blowgun, and there you go!
<tieboy> oing: news with an attitude
* agt_orang invests in e-oing futures
* LJ-atwork could go for a nice tall cool glass of oing right now
<agt_orang> tall cool oing in a black dress...
<zompist> that's just the thing, "oing" and "nice" are redundant!
<zompist> brought to you by the oing council.
<Samwise> Y'know, that's odd...my screensaver has had the oing panel up when I arrive three times this last week.
<agt_orang> It's a coded message from the other side
<LJ-atwork> oing is actually te "smurf" of the 21st century
<TMR> It means "shove a dog down the disposal"
<LJ-atwork> would you like to oing an oing with your oing?
<agt_orang> my oing is short, but it's thick around
<Samwise> Hey, careful...oinging with an unoinged oing can cause serious oing.

*** Da_Raven is now known as MtgRaven
<StanXhiao> Mating?
<spinn> marketing
<kaufman> Maytag
<Leth^> Murtaugh
<Leth^> She's living a "Lethal Weapon" fantasy
<SeanQ> mortgage
<CrzyClmbr> How much did she pay a company for that nick?
<kaufman> Agimtgjam
<spinn> $675,000, Ihear
<Leth^> for each prefix... Da_Raven and MtgRaven are two seperate billable entities
<CrzyClmbr> a bargain at that price.
<kaufman> but wait, there's more!
<SeanQ> i read LunchRave cost her an extra $100,000
<kaufman> you'll also get two BONUS suffixes for a penny apiece
<SeanQ> i paid The Hundred Monkeys $82,500 for my 'Q'
<SeanQ> that worked out to $825 per monkey
<SeanQ> you can buy a lot of bananas for $825, you know
<StanXhiao> I killed a man for my nick.
<kaufman> Spinnwebe: Punch a hundred monkeys and come up with your own damn name
<SeanQ> they really had to dig into that watermelon to come up with 'Q'
<SeanQ> but SeanJ didn't have the right gestalt, and C,S,X, and E are all so 1997

<rJak> How about bleeding gums murphy? He died.
<SeanQ> he died like Wilt Chanberlain
<rJak> In bed with ten women?
<TomFish> tall and black?
<rJak> With blancmange over his face?
<Da_Raven> In bed with ten tall black women?
<spinn> er
<spinn> In a big bed with at least ten tall black women?
<spinn> (someone start a word game an didn't tell me?)
<rJak> With the blancmange?
<spinn> in the stadium
<rJak> With the coat hanger.
<spinn> wilt chamberlain. in the bed. with the blancmange.
<Da_Raven> in the abortion clinic
<spinn> ooooh.
<TomFish> in sanrio world
* rJak checks the envelope.
<spinn> that'd be a good anti-abortion poster.
<rJak> Nope, sorry. It was Nathan Lane.
<spinn> ms. yellow. in the alley. with the coat hanger.
<rJak> With a Keroppi doll.
<spinn> get a clue: consider adoption
<Leth^> Brought to you by the concerned folks at Operation Rescue. Kill a doc for God
<Kyol> Heh. The cr0bar hackers remake is funnier than the matrix remake.
<rJak> You know, I have a real problem with abortion on dermand. Can't put my finger on it...
<SeanQ> Mrs. Peacock. in tha back seat of a Bonneville. with the guy at the end of the bar. Before battle, put a helmet onthat soldier.
<Leth^> heheh
<SeanQ> brought to you by your friends at Trojan
<SeanQ> Colonel Mustard. In the third stall. With a burning sensation. Penicillin. It's just smart.
<Leth^> dammit, not only are people sending mail in html, but they're putting
<rJak> Miss Scarlet, in the Best Western, with a dildo up the ass.

<tieboy> *BRRAAAAKKK*
<SeanQ> * tieboy is now known as tiebelch
<SeanQ> *tiebelch is now known as tienapkin
<tieboy> mmm.... gyro
<tieboy> i feel much better
<mdxi> i had a really gross chiliburp at Steak'N'Shake the other day
<zompist> thanks for sharing, shawn...
<mdxi> was one of those that you don't have time to prepare for
<CrzyClmbr> as Calvin once said, "Tastes better coming up than it did going down!"
<zompist> uncle shawn, could we have another burp story?
<mdxi> sure, you lil' zomper, you.
<mdxi> i remember back in nineteen ought eight...
<mdxi> ...we were riding the Topeka-Wabash Northern Comet...
<mdxi> ...we had snuck into the dining car after everyone was asleep. Lemme tell you, them railroad screws would sooner kill ya' than throw ya' in tha joint, but we were starvin' pert neat ta death.
<mdxi> ...so Pensacola Joe uses a straightpin he kept in the sole of his shoe to jimmy tha icebox open...
<mdxi> ...and he passed us all a Moxie.

<spinn> current fad in advertising seems to be taking a two or three word sentence, and then breaking it up into two or three one-word sentences, and they all make sense
<spinn> notice this? I can't think of an example
<mdxi> Compaq. Nonstop.
<spinn> spinnwebe: damned. odd. website.
<mdxi> Isuzu. Go. Further.
<Da_Raven> Actually, that one works on so many levels, greg.
<spinn> well, here's one I just saw online for onvia, whatever it is
<spinn> "Work. Wisely."
<mdxi> TSYS. Sucks. Goatnads.
<spinn> how the fuck does "wisely" there mean anything by itself?
<spinn> rave, yah, 'cos it's the sort of thing I'm talking about
<spinn> onvia: wisely.
<mdxi> "onvia" sounds like the medical name for some impolite part of human anatomy
<spinn> gluteal onvial fissure
<SeanQ> onvial hernia
<mdxi> 3rd Onvial Vertebrae
<Leth^> "Doctor, what does this sore on my onvia mean?"
<agt_orang> Eye yam feeling great onvia for the talented Rebeca
<SeanQ> i bet J would get her onvia pierced
<Leth^> a couple of times
<Nate-O> Or she already does
<spinn> yeah, she'd be one of those people you see at a club with a row of onvia piercings
<Nate-O> One onvia piercing does not a cool person make
<TomFish> but two?

<SeanQ> !lastcapt
<spinnbot> last caption: dfc 456: Jesus wept. As did all the rest of us at this one.
<SeanQ> heh. i dunno why, but that cracks me up.
<spinn> I never understood the phrase "jesus wept" as a swear.
<spinn> er
<spinn> curse?
<wabewalkr> It's the shortest verse in the bible, so everyone remembers it.
<SeanQ> instead of "jesus christ"
<spinn> yeah, but
<SeanQ> so you avoid the whole name-in-vain thing
<SeanQ> i had an uncle who would say "cheese'n crackers"
<spinn> I dunno. my first exposure to it was reading some novel in which someone said it, and then they were all embarrassed at their language
<spinn> well, cheese n crackers makes sense to me.
<wabewalkr> Cheese 'n' Rice
<spinn> I just figure if you're saying "jesus" at all you're not really avoiding anything
<SeanQ> you're getting off on a technicality
<SeanQ> "I wasn't mad, St. Peter, I was praying. Honest!"
<wabewalkr> I was hungry, and I like melted cheese mixed with rice!
<SeanQ> and the guy who cut me off reminded me of how hungry i was for rice because he was driving a Japanese car
<SeanQ> with wisconsin plates
<SeanQ> (hence the cheese)
<SeanQ> can i come into heaven now?
<spinn> "fuck, no."
<SeanQ> fuck, someone's gonna see me laughing...

<K-Man> I got inspired to make an album cover for a fictional Christian Rock group.
<K-Man> http://users.erols.com/powrtoch/jesus.jpg
<TMR> St. Peter kicks ass in the mosh pit!
<MisterQ> God playes a mean bass guitar!
<K-Man> It's a guitar with 5 strings, one broke
<K-Man> He gets midevil with his axe
<TMR> Mary looks killer with a clit piercing!
<Jas> With the Holy Spirit as bass!
<TMR> I wonder if they'll tour with GWAR?
<MisterQ> God goes audience diving.... but the front seats are all atheists and fail to catch him
<MisterQ> What would you call your Christian Rock Group?
<sol-D> one that has it's bible and eats it, too?
<K-Man> Jesus of Nazareth and The Fundies
<MisterQ> I think mine would be 'Jesus on a Stick'
<TMR> My black metal band would be Martyrbation.
<MisterQ> Stigmaturbation
<K-Man> Fishmasturbation
<TMR> Giving a handjob to Abe Vigoda?
<TMR> Or recieving one from him?
<K-Man> Or riding a giant fish to get off
<Jas> I think I'd be "The Donkey Jesus Rode".
<K-Man> "Jesus' Ass"
<MisterQ> 'Pope Elope'
<sol-D> Manger Defiler
<K-Man> Pope John Paul Jones
<TMR> Pope John Paul George Ringo?
<TMR> Pope John Holmes!
<K-Man> Vice Pope Doug E. Doug and Jazzy Jeffy
<Jas> What did Jesus' friends call him?
<K-Man> 'Heyzoos'. Then they beat motherfuckers down with a tire iron.

<JasG> Sexchanges never turn out right. Either you end up with a clit the size of a pickle or a bellbutton for a vagina.
<MisterQ> I'll file that fact away to discourage anyone who might think of having one...
<TMR> mmm...pickleclit...
<JasG> I didn't say it was pickled, just that it closely resembled one.
<TMR> Warts and all?
<JasG> Right down to the greenish color.
<MisterQ> Claussen's pickles and porn
<TMR> I suppose if you wanted to, you could soak it in brine.
<TMR> Aunt Bea's pickled clits always took the blue ribbon at the state fair.
<JasG> And then some wanton for that "sweet and sour" clit taste.
<MisterQ> Kosher Dill Clits?
<JasG> With the little guide on the side telling you how sour your clit is.
<TMR> For the Jewish Princess in your life!
<TMR> must...not...make...sourpuss...crack...
<JasG> That's what those doctors do. Make sourpuss crack.
<MisterQ> We've got marinated Pussy, sweet and sour pussy, pickled pussy, pussy ala-mode...
<TMR> Haggis pussy...
<JasG> Upside down backwards in yo face puss-a!
<TMR> Dog pussy! Chicken pussy!
<TMR> Sa-melly pussy!
<JasG> So sol-D, what pussy do you want today?
<sol-D> the one on fire
<JasG> Sorry, all out of regular flaming pussy, we have pierced flaming pussy though. Now with more chlymidia!

<agt_orang> 'Course, now that Rob's mamma sleeps with the fishes, he might loosen up a little
<Leth^> Nope, he's taking many months to recover from the tragedy
<Leth^> Using witty sigfiles as his comfort tool
<agt_orang> "Mother told me I was funny! Mother told me I was funny! Mother told me I was funny!"
<mdxi> "Norman?"
<agt_orang> (stab stab stab)
<agt_orang> "Laugh, you BITCH!"
<Leth^> He probably has her in a cellar and dresses in her clothes. Then he sneaks into people's hotel rooms and surprises them with jokes in the shower
<agt_orang> "Hi! I'm a christian teen with anal warts! ...thanks! You've been a great audience! drive safe!"
<Leth^> Hey, he never said she was a Christian, we just interpreted it that way
<agt_orang> She had a dancing jesus on the page!
<agt_orang> You don't see many muslim pages with jesus doing the mashed potato
<agt_orang> Jesus gave her BF anal warts. She /must/ have been in dutch with the big man
<agt_orang> Now, did she have the warts too, or was it just "Jeff"?
<agt_orang> Or was the whole family afflicted with boil and pestillence?
<agt_orang> "My boyfriend Jeff has been suffering from anal locusts..."
<agt_orang> "And the water turned to blood at the all-state swim meet..."
<Leth^> "I don't even want to talk about our first born"
<Da_Raven> "But at least Jeff isn't a first-born male."
<agt_orang> "I used to have a page about my frog collection, until the plague came and we had /hella/ frogs in dad's den."

<kaufman> jacq: if this story doesn't work, there's always L/C fiction :-)
<kaufman> (Lewis slash Clark)
<jacquilyn> That's a genre unto itself?
<kaufman> god only knows
<CrzyClmbr> If it isn't, you can turn it into one.
<kaufman> or spread hints that it really exists
<CrzyClmbr> "Clark gaped at Lewis' turgid StanXhaio."
<jacquilyn> all right, I'm out in public here and all this spitting on the monitors is making me look bad.
<Samwise> "Lewis stared as Clark's TomFish shifted"
<jacquilyn> really, if you all don't stop being funny this instant, I'm gonna log off.
<kaufman> "Lewis looked lustingly at the Mighty Missouri extending in front of him"
<jacquilyn> the problem with Lewis and Clark is neither of them have heaving bosoms, you know.
<CrzyClmbr> maybe one of them weighed 350.
<kaufman> Sacagawea's peace pipe had an estrogen mix
<Leth^> that's where Sacajawea came in, Jac
<Samwise> Clark took shelter from hte stampede, and admired Lewis' heaving bison
<jacquilyn> Tell that to Sam and kaufman, eh, I didn't notice any indian babes in their example text.
<kaufman> "Clark grabbed hold of Lewis' throbbing marmot."
<Leth^> "Hey, Lewis....nice buffalo..."
<SeanQ> "Lewis admires the vastness of nature. Clark helps bury the bodies of the Mexican settlers."
<Leth^> As Lewis entered Montana, Clark could only watch in rapt fascination, with his hand on his Idaho, and his breath coming in short gasps.
<kaufman> "My, that's a big fucking Divide!"
<SeanQ> "Lewis was mesmerized by her purple mountains' majesty. He waited patiently for a glimpse at her amber waves of grain."
<kaufman> "And then they went down on Columbia for three full days"
<Samwise> "And then we went back to Greece!"
<Leth^> Lewis finally saw her Rocky Mountains, and waited patiently to climb them, his mount stirring.
<Samwise> Supplies were essential as they neared Death Valley
<kaufman> [insert obligatory grand teton stroking line here]
<kaufman> As they entered Nebraska: "Cue corn music in 3 ... 2 ..."
* Leth^ throws a penalty flag. Gratutious Punning, kaufman, intentional....30 yards

<TomFish> then you'll be wanting _poison_ pederast pie
* CrzyClmbr slips the capsule into his cheek
<CrzyClmbr> No, not that cheek.
<TomFish> ew
<CrzyClmbr> Though in terms of absorption into the bloodstream, it may actually work better.
<TomFish> I'll pick "Things Tom Did _Not_ Want to Know About" for $200, Alex
<CrzyClmbr> I guess that isn't the hair you're cutting tomorrow, then.
<agt_orang> look at my new booty do!
<CrzyClmbr> is that a DA?
<agt_orang> (rim shot)
<CrzyClmbr> so to speak.
<agt_orang> thank you, we'll be here all week. god bless and drive safely.
<CrzyClmbr> Remember to tip your waitresses, unless the cows are more appealing targets.
* SeanQ blinks agt-orang and CrzyClmbr into the Catskills
<CrzyClmbr> Oy!
<Kyol> "Assweave - it's the newest creation from BootyDo Incorporated!"
<agt_orang> Kit comes comlete with a booty-do brush, dippity booty-do, but hey! watch out for that curling iron!
<CrzyClmbr> The home bootyperm.
<CrzyClmbr> in your choice of colors!

(A sequence of bad poetry riffing. Bad poetry has been italicized for your suffering pleasure.)
<spinn> and colgate and cherries and I
<spinn> fed you cherries and you tasted like colgate but
<spinn> mostly cherries as we kissed
<spinn> ewwww.
<agt_orang> with a bagel, lightly toasted...
<agt_orang> and just a shmeer of cream cheese or mayber
<agt_orang> a bear claw...

---

<agt_orang> oh, lordy, there's more... "Ode to Jerry Springer..."
<TomFish> there is not an ode to jerry springer!
<TomFish> please say ther eis not!
<TomFish> please god, no...
<agt_orang> sorry. life is a bitch sometimes.
<TomFish> nooooooooooooooooo
<Leth^> oh.... oh lordy...
<CrzyClmbr> stop the paaaaaaaaaaaain

---

<Elkman> "I hope you find a piece of yourself inside my words." Well, tell you what: If I do, I'm going to the doctor to get it removed.
<TomFish> look, my colon
<TomFish> my foreskin! so /that's/ where it went!

---

<Da_Raven> all knowing goddess
<Da_Raven> who holds our mortal words
<Da_Raven> in her mouth and spits them out
<Da_Raven> as words of eternity
<Da_Raven> Mmmmm, phlegm.
<Da_Raven> "HAWK! Ptui. There's your damn words of eternity"
<Leth^> These are in fact sure signs that Vogon infiltrators are among us

---

<agt_orang> potato salad spills to the floor in my neglectful state
<agt_orang> And onan did pull away, and spread his potato salad on the ground

---

<Leth^> Have you ever shivered from fear
<Leth^> And laughed it off as cold
<Leth^> I agree. Possibly you are only cold
<spinn> Perhaps I can suggest a sweater
<spinn> Or a nice muffler, You say, "Wait,
<spinn> I may be afriad anyway." Then I rescind
<spinn> My offer of a sweater
<spinn> Or a nice muffler.
<agt_orang> my new poem: Me. Me me mee me me me. me me. me me me me.
<Elkman> Possibly I am only cold. Possibly I speak in manner of Yoda, no?
<Leth^> a jacket you need....yeesss

<dpk> i must spread mahir wherever i go
<CrzyClmbr> "I'll have a BLT with mahir spread, please"
<spinn> ewwww.
<spinn> mahir spread.
<spinn> spreadable mahir
<spinn> "It's spreadable!"(TM)
<CrzyClmbr> even tastier than stan cheese
<zompist> that's what you get when you order something at the restaurant he works at...
<dpk> you'd love 'dpk nut paste' then
<dpk> been marketing that for a year or two
<zompist> you're only just out of puberty??
<Elkman> Nah, he was probably test-marketing it for a while.
<dpk> yeah, til someone came up with the idea of bottling it and sellin it
<StanXhiao> demographics are pretty small
<spinn> no, he's been saving it for years. only been marketing it for the last two.
<CrzyClmbr> we will sell no dpk nut paste before its time.
<zompist> imagine the size of the barrel out in back of the shed.
<spinn> shelves and shelves of tiny bottles in his basement
<zompist> heh. i like that image better.
<spinn> "5/14/93: Christie Turlington"
<zompist> each bottle labelled and date---- jinx.
<StanXhiao> all those little bottles, tinkling away down ther
<dpk> "I'm still not blind!"
<dpk> the official slogan
<spinn> whole shelf dedicated to "1983: Bo Derek"
<CrzyClmbr> "Bottled by hand for as long as I can keep going."
<spinn> (family business.)

<agt_orang> "age: 30"
<CrzyClmbr> "job: professional"
<CrzyClmbr> now I see why she gets the big bucks
<agt_orang> "self-absorption: boundless"
<CrzyClmbr> "my opinion of myself: priceless"
<agt_orang> my god, her site is... I'm speechless
<agt_orang> the more I dig, the better it gets: she has a .wav of her speaking voice
<CrzyClmbr> full of stars?
<Leth> oh, lemme find the mp3 of her singing backup...you GOTTA hear it
<agt_orang> and an index of the pages of Poisoned Ivy: How Egos, Ideology, and Power Politics Almost Ruined Harvard Law School.
<agt_orang> in which she appears
<agt_orang> It's a delicate, perfect, endless reflecting pool.
<SeanQ> ...that she should drown herself in without further delay
<CrzyClmbr> problem is, she wants to take us with her.
<agt_orang> does auto-erotic stragulation work for broads? 'cause that's where she's headed, no doubt.
<agt_orang> busy little witch, isn't she?
<agt_orang> a poem! all about rle!
<Leth> I wonder if her desktop wallpaper is a collage of herself
<agt_orang> all her alert beeps are her singing with ABBA
<Da_Raven> Speaking as an intelligent women geek, I HATE the word 'grrl'.
<Da_Raven> It makes me think of women ... well, like Rebeca.
<Leth> you mean you're not a devoted follower of NetGrrl?
* Da_Raven checks out the site. God, I hope not, Leth. That is one butt-ugly site.
<agt_orang> It doesn't set off my bells if it's a sixteen year old and her Bikini Kills page, but a "30" year old lawyer...
<Da_Raven> Add the word "grrl" and I can pretty much assure you I'll hate it.
<agt_orang> it's like your parents trying to be hip
<agt_orang> "rebeca is hip. Rebeca is happening. You the /shit/, girlfriend."
<Leth> add to the fact that she's saying that to herself, it's even scarier
<SeanQ> rebeca is grasping at the straws of her lost youth
<agt_orang> Lawyer. Singer. Riot Grrrl. Net Entreprenuer. And I can Fly. click here for more more more about me me me.
<Kyol> But.. Has she had sex with Michael Jordan?
<Leth> he's beneath someone like Rebeca
<Rebeca> yes, Rebeca has had outSTANDING sex with dear Michael.
<SeanQ> MJ is literally beneath her
<Leth> was Michael there for it, Rebeca?
<Rebeca> Oh, he made some piteous noises, but I had things to meet, people to do.
<Rebeca> Well, Ta, little people. That cancer cure is a'bubbling on Consuela's stove, and I have the pope on line three! Talk among yourselves!

<spinn> I dig busting on scientology.
* CrzyClmbr once made a scientologist cry.
<spinn> bob, whoa!
<spinn> you're my new frickin hero!
<dpk> did you tape it?
<CrzyClmbr> he was trying to recruit me - I told him to call his parents because they missed him and wanted him back
<spinn> bahahaha
<dpk> hehe
<spinn> oh goddamn, man, you are fucking heartless.
<spinn> and what, he burst into tears?
<CrzyClmbr> he actually hollered, "No! They DON'T!"
<CrzyClmbr> and broke down.
<spinn> wow
<spinn> wowwww.
<spinn> creepy.
<CrzyClmbr> yeah, I've been too chicken to do it again, actually.
<spinn> not a button he expected to get pushed just then, I guess
<TomFish> why did that make him cry?
<CrzyClmbr> Had issues, I guess.
<spinn> man, I wish I could do something like that
<spinn> on my really cool days, I look freaky enough to pull something like that off
<spinn> you know, roll eyes back, stutter a little, y-y-your sissster-r missesss you-u-u
<spinn> come back to myself, oh, hello. what were you saying?
<CrzyClmbr> but you're taking a chance with siblings.
<CrzyClmbr> go for the parents or the grandparents.
<spinn> well, with anything, really
<CrzyClmbr> well, but with sibs, the chance is, "I don't have a fuckin' sister, do you wanna hold the cans or don't you?"
<spinn> well, I was thinking, if they're dead
<spinn> but then if they are, you get to take it to a whole different plane
<CrzyClmbr> yeah, for all i know, that guy had just lost his or something
<CrzyClmbr> but he takes the chance by being out there like that.

<TomFish> scientologists / tax evading dead sea scrolls / fuck you microsoft
<TomFish> non sequitor poem / haikus linda maccartney / stairway to heaven
<TomFish> sunny delight please / put down the chalupa, sir / thank you, please drive thru
<spinn> insipid disney / "I love you, Daddy Warbucks!" / yeah, that's a new one
<TomFish> my anus is round / kaluha mudslides ensure / ted koppel at 5
<TomFish> the world is insane / the haiku does not rhyme now / commies are at fault
<TomFish> hello kitty stares / the abyss stares back at her / scream now, mouthless one
<TomFish> I think that's the best haiku I have ever written
<spinn> you're right, that is good.
<TomFish> I just called my girlfriend to tell her it
<TomFish> Now I'll call my Mom
<TomFish> She's not as imppressed
<TomFish> tell mom my haiku / she is not impressed with it / i call therepist
<dpk> i read your haiku / it gave cause for a chuckle / now i must go pee
<spinn> read haiku to mom / "your sister had one better" / darkness grows a bit
<TomFish> story of my life there
<CrzyClmbr> Speaking of peeing / Wher is Stan
<spinn> possibly " / one more ounce of shame"
<dpk> ah better
<spinn> I wanted more despair, tho
<spinn> despair's tought to do metaphorically in five syllables
<dpk> ah. i'm taking the "she's driving me to murder" angle
<TomFish> hentai games online / play hentai anime poker / poker? don't know her!
<TomFish> bondge fairys come / visit me during the night / sheets get all sticky
<TomFish> raymond burr in east / godzilla visits toko / city in ruins
<dpk> god damn broadcasters / "court tv" type shows are lame / what should i do now?
<spinn> daytime tv sucks / "Sir! Do you speak English, sir?!" / death to judge judy
<CrzyClmbr> desperate poet / cannot come up with haiku / I poke out my eye
<dpk> i need to get out / must find the wall street journal / i hope i am there
<TomFish> hey good lookin, be / back to pick you up, later / mister microphone
<StanXhiao> I spout poetry / My home page is filled with blood / I am a big Goth
<TomFish> our non-computer / product y2k ready / I'm sick of this shit!
<StanXhiao> I will be sleeping / on a cot in the office / on Y2K day
<StanXhiao> what's the new spinnwebe / addy again is not a / very good Haiku
<StanXhiao> nor was the Haiku / that I just posted above / oh, what the fuck, eh?
<dpk> another friday / another weekend coming / i touch my elbow
<CrzyClmbr> "Friday ennui" / is only a haiku if / you pronounce the U
<TomFish> Intel Pentium / crashes and burns yet again / amdk6!
<spinn> the best part of this / haiku is the part that ran / down your father's leg
<dpk> would 'climbed' be two syllables(sp)
<CrzyClmbr> in Shakespeare it would
<TomFish> sure darth maul looks cool / where is the evil? the evil? / where the fuck is it?
<TomFish> has everyone in here seen sixth sense yet?
<CrzyClmbr> no
<TomFish> the hell with this haiku then
<CrzyClmbr> no big deal / i probably won't see it / just type it the fuck in
<spinn> bob doesn't care / who the fuck counts syllables anyway / just type crap in
<CrzyClmbr> fucking straight spinn / it's friday anyway / and i'm bored
<TomFish> creature of the night / with your new thrill kill cult shirt / cheer up with prozac

<TomFish> Get off the bonfire, for the love of god, please get off the bonfire!
<spinn> have a disaster, jeffy me lad
<dpk> Logs don't kill people, People kill themselves.
<TomFish> "#Spinnwebe rallys around drunken College mishap. 35 cents raised."
<dpk> "Letter sent to random victim's family, chosen by lottery"
<DarthElk> "#spinnwebe donates 200 kittens to Texas A&M. On fire."
<K_Man> "Delivered by Ed McMahon."
<TomFish> "Logs on you, Mate"
<StanXhiao> "I'm a Flattened Camper"
<TomFish> The egyptian co-pilot forced the bonfire into a steep decent
<Leth> yeah, they had a shot of it on CNN and the thing's bigger than my parent's house
<TomFish> It's bigger than Rebeca's Ego
<DarthElk> By the queen's tits, that bonfire is bigger than my first car!
<DarthElk> I think they should make a reinforced concrete bonfire for next year.
<spinn> I think it should be made of child-safe Earth-Fome(TM)
<zompist> i think they should just burn geocities home pages.
<Leth> especially those ones with the java app that has swirling dots that follow your mouse cursor
<SeanQ> heheh, build it out of chlidren's sleepwear
<Da_Raven> It's a 40-ft pile of logs, but one kid fell 50 ft. Huh?
<spinn> that's the problem. he was practising his high jump at the top
<CrzyClmbr> It's a metaphor for being six feet under afterward.
<zompist> maybe he fell diagonally.
<Leth> he was standing on the top log, jumping on it to force it in
<TomFish> Maybe he jumped
<zompist> maybe they included his height, then rounded up?
<SeanQ> raven: i think it's 40 ft high now, post-collapse
<Leth> he bounced a few times
<Da_Raven> Or the dad who said it is just smoking something.
<K_Man> I vote for crack.
<K_Man> The mention of crack just kills any conversation, doesn't it?
<spinn> depends on the conversation
<zompist> especially if it's butt crack.

<CrzyClmbr> well, after the reports on last night's news -- "The surprise Hurricane Lenny has Chicagoans running for cover" -- I just assume disaster.
<CrzyClmbr> channel 7 kept promoing their news with "Hurricane Lenny has Chicagoans caught unawares" -- turned out there are many three people from this city on vacation down there.
<CrzyClmbr> Tracy and I thought it seemed pretty still and dry outside.
<spinn> well, so it caught you unawares, then, huh?
<CrzyClmbr> well, but we weren't hardly running for cover
<spinn> "unawares" a word, even?
<spinn> well, you know, much in the way an earthquake in india catches you unawares
<spinn> "huh. I was unaware of that earthquake."
<SeanQ> or an imploding tower of logs in Texas
<spinn> I love that with the evening news.
<spinn> "pakistan destroyed in nuclear holocaust. three chicagoans believed to have been there."
<agt_orang> I love local news. "Next, people right here in Lafayete speak out about the Malaysian mining disaster."
<SeanQ> or, "Egyptair flight down, no survivors. No Americans, though!"
<agt_orang> "uh...it's bad, I guess."
<CrzyClmbr> "I think they had it comin'. That's jobs Americans should be doing."
<spinn> heh
<spinn> "that's jobs". nice touch.
<CrzyClmbr> caught you unawares.
<spinn> heheh
<agt_orang> "Ain't they muslims? Well, there you go."
<spinn> no, but really, is it?
<spinn> "unawares" sounds like one of those words that snuck into normal usage, butisn't really a word
<CrzyClmbr> might be a regionalism.
<agt_orang> unawares is the adverb form of unaware.
<CrzyClmbr> "back in *my* day, we had to put an 's' on the end of words whether we wanted to or not!"
<TomFish> I knew I was gonna score when I peeled off her unawares

* CrzyClmbr takes out his nachos and onion dip.
<Leth> ooohh...snack me baby!
* CrzyClmbr flings a dip-covered nacho at Leth.
<Leth> as long as the dip isn't Stancheese, that's fine
<CrzyClmbr> If you can catch them in your mouth, we might get on Letterman
<CrzyClmbr> Especially if you're in a rack with a ball gag.
<Leth> yeah, THAT would be a trick
<Leth> I'll have to practice
<Leth> I wonder if 'Becky talks about herself in the third person in regular conversation?
<Leth> "Rebeca would like a tuna on rye, but she doesn't want pickles"
<agt_orang> "Rebeca isn't satisfied with twenty cents a word, morty."
<Leth> hmmm...her hair doesn't LOOK bacony in that pic....but.....
<agt_orang> "rebeca spells her name as her whims dictate. You little people wouldn't understand."
<SeanQ> i'm sure she got tired of people flooding her multiple e-mail boxes with inquiries about her car and her GQ appearance
<Leth> "Rebeca does need to answer to the likes of you. Shouldn't you be preparing food for Rebecca or something?"
<Leth> She also wields the power of the rebecalist. She probably loosed her rebecianni on the voting.

<StanXhiao> My hands are wet
<StanXhiao> shoulda washed them when I was done
<agt_orang> sharing! sharing too much!
<StanXhiao>
<agt_orang> asparagus for lunch?
<StanXhiao> smells like it...but looks more like tofu
<agt_orang> eeeEEEEEWWWW!
* Leth^ tosses Stan (from a distance) a bottle of penecillin
<StanXhiao> You shake and shake and it still won't fall off
<CrzyClmbr> I'd be lobbing that over plexiglass if I were you, Leth.
<CrzyClmbr> Has no flavor of its own, they say
<agt_orang> two words, stan: muriatic acid
<Leth^> actually, I was thinking of going to the local chemical plant and borrowing a containment suit, cc
<CrzyClmbr> Leth - yeah, but getting it on Stan when you're in Boston might be a problem.
<agt_orang> well, don't pick at it. save that for the staff meeting.
<StanXhiao> OK, something to flick then.
<agt_orang> "Let's go around the table and (flick) OWwww! It burns!"
<StanXhiao> Oh, no, wouldnt feel pain because the surrounding tissue is necrotic anyway
<agt_orang> it isn't HOLY smegma?
<Leth^> "What *is* that smell? "
<CrzyClmbr> This is probably how some of Troma's movies start.
<agt_orang> this is like a finished troma script
<RJak> no, they start with "come on! get naked!"
<CrzyClmbr> Well, Stan's already going commando.
* CrzyClmbr hopes that euphemism for exposure isn't a regionalism.
<StanXhiao> ...this broccoli smells funny
<agt_orang> New From Troma: Mr. Luke in "Smegma Please!"
<CrzyClmbr> With Danny Bonaduce!
<agt_orang> and Pheobe Leger!

<agt_orang> All with new covers byBoris Vallejo, done in soothing shades of orange
<Leth^> mmmm.....orange....with breasts
<RJak> with fur and titties.
<agt_orang> and big swords and sweat and more titties
<StanXhiao> are there Orcs?
<Leth^> on fire!
<Leth^> oops, sorry
<Leth^> with breasts!
<RJak> orcs with breasts?
<agt_orang> goth orcs?
<agt_orang> (here he comes)
<agt_orang> ...
*** Photon (somebody@ct2-73.psnw.com) has joined channel #spinnwebe
<agt_orang> well, shit.
<Leth^> at least it summoned SOMEONE
<agt_orang> I gotta take this thing back to the shop.
<RJak> you say goth orcs and out comes photon. weird.
<Leth^> just needs some finetuning
<agt_orang> what summons photon normally?
<Leth^> sunrise
<StanXhiao> smegma?
<RJak> say "stupid teacher" and maybe randy will come.
<agt_orang> maybe a nice new PIERCING?
<SeanQ> who were you guning for, DML?
<SeanQ> and better question, why?
<agt_orang> yeah.
<agt_orang> 'cuz.
<Leth^> I wouldn't say gunning for, just accepting the inevitable

<agt_orang> my graphic designer over here wants me to take her movies back to blockbuster becasue she's afraid they'll sieze her if she even approaches the store...
<agt_orang> something about $150 in late fees
<Da_Raven> wow. That's bad.
<Da_Raven> What, did she keep it for a year?
<agt_orang> pretty much. forgot them in her car.
<Da_Raven> Ah, just slide 'em into the return slot and run.
<agt_orang> that's what I said. she's afraid they'll get her plate number
<SeanQ> i had Blockbuster hit my credit card for a $3 overdue fee, just because i hadn't been in to rent another movie for a few weeks
<Da_Raven> Like they don't already have her address and VISA number in their computer>?
<agt_orang> what they'd do then, I don't know. Big black blockbuster sedans cruising outside her house at night...
<Nyder> *that's* why I never rent from megastores.
<zompist> big BLUE blockbuster sedans, agto.
<Kyol> I try to avoid the Italian places, too.
<agt_orang> I actually racked up $45 in late fees from a little corner vidoe place not to long ago. they charged something like $5 a day...
<Da_Raven> You have a lot of Italian video stores?
<Nyder> CosaNostra Video... specialising in family films...
<DarthElk> At 3 AM.
<agt_orang> BlackHand Video
<SeanQ> KneeBuster
<spinn> blockbuster subcontracts kneebuster
<Nyder> if you accumulate enough late fines, they leave a videotape of a dead horse's head in your bed.
<DarthElk> And for the REALLY overdue videos, they summon Ballbuster.
<agt_orang> part of the new mafia media chain, along with Brass & Knuckles Booksellers

<agtorange> anyone see todays? with the crossword puzzle?
<agtorange> I blew it up and looked at the filled-in clues
<StanXhiao> It's 8 Across! It's 8 Across! It's 8 Across!
<kaufman> 17 Across: P__ISA_IO
<agtorange> 9 down: hands are made of this
<StanXhiao> penisario?
<kaufman> you're good, stan
<StanXhiao> 5 across: rhymes with "boing"
<kaufman> damn, we ought to be able to figure out the clues
<kaufman> 6 Across: Thel's first client
<StanXhiao> vic?
<kaufman> 10 Across: What Thel called her second client
<Da_Raven> "Slave"
<StanXhiao> Dad?
<TomFish> 13 across: Thel's shiniest client
<StanXhiao> Billy?
<kaufman> 5 down: Part of Barfy for dinner tonight
<StanXhiao> pizzle?
<kaufman> 11 down: What Thel wishes Bil would leave her
<Da_Raven> "Alone"
<TomFish> "The money"
<TomFish> "The estate"

<spinn> there's definitely a vowel at the end of pronounced A. phoenetically, "ae"
<Elkman> Is there a #pedantic channel?
<spinn> seems like there should be, huh?
<kaufman> coming soon to an irc near you: #spinnitpick and #spinnanal
<Elkman> I'd be afraid to see who comes to a channel named anything "anal".
<spinn> yeah, especially with my name in it
<agtorange> anal spinning? count me in!
<agtorange> whirrrrrr
<kaufman> mooooooooore aaaaaarrrrr pppppeeeee emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
<agtorange> hhi, I'mmm hhere tttto t-tell you abbout the ssssybian...
<agtorange> (obscure joke)
<Kyol> Not _that_ obscure. Or am I revealing too much?
<agtorange> that depends on how much you've used the sybian...
<Kyol> I'm waiting for alt.binaries.multimedia.sybian, personally. (smirk)
<Kyol> (+erotica, I suppose.)
<agtorange> rec.motorports.sybian
<Kyol> New for 2000 - the sybian with the gas powered 10 HP motor! SDO you need more stimulation in your life?
<agtorange> Be ready for Y2K with the new diesel sybian
<Kyol> The Sybian "letters" are a hoot, too.
<Kyol> "Thank you for the new model with dual attachments! I feel much more fulfilled now!"
<agtorange> Just get yourself one of them free standing mixers and a rubber chicken, save few bucks.
<Kyol> A few thousand. Although, judging from the screaming in the videos, it's, ummm. Good.
<agtorange> here's an idea: cross cut scenes from a sybian video and "The Toolbox Murders" and try to keep score
<agtorange> drill--no, sybian! Sybian--no! reciprocating saw!
<Elkman> Oh, you're talking about power tools. I thought you were talking about sex toys.
<Kyol> Same thing.
<agtorange> tomato, tomato.
<Elkman> Great. Next thing you know, Home Depot will have an adults-only section.
<agtorange> Gonna get me some of that miter box, uhmuhmuhmghh...
* CrzyClmbr calls and orders a reamer.

<Da_Raven> Why do I get the feeling everyone's as wound up as a chihuahua on crack?
<dpk> i've got more caffeine in me than blood
<StanXhiao> I've got more piss in me than vinegar.
<CrzyClmbr> I just honked out a dirt snake, so I'm pretty empty right now.
<RJak> I got more gerbil in me than hamster.
<TMR> I'm generally as energetic as Steven Wright on quaaludes.
<RJak> lotsa snakes over in fla. really hate it.
<RJak> I mean, back in Maryland, the only dangerous animal there were kamikaze squirrels.
<spinn> DROP THE FUCKING CHALUPA
<TMR> CHALUPAS ARE NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.
<RJak> I mean, these squirrels would jump in front of your car and splatter under your wheels.
<StanXhiao> Isn't "chalupa" Spanish for greasy cheese-like dirt snake?
<spinn> those chalupas were pretty bad.
<TMR> Squirrels that have no will to live?
<RJak> Then they'd dive from the trees and try to eat your eyeballs.
<Da_Raven> chalupas are just deep-fried gorditas.
<Kyol> Frying makes food _good_!
<RJak> course, they missed your head and clomped down on the pavement.
<TMR> So, we finally found a food that is not improved by deep-frying?
<CrzyClmbr> Stan - don't worry, it's the harmless kind of dirt snake
<StanXhiao> Oh, gotcha.
<TMR> It's not poisonous.
<RJak> they found a squirrel in one of the tacos in Annapolis once.
<dpk> those must be big tacos
<TMR> Or small squirrels.
<spinn> hehehe
* Kyol sings "Estuans interius, ira vehementi, Sephiroth!"
<dpk> our squirrels are large-rat-sized
<CrzyClmbr> But long enough to crush the life out of your lungs if you get too close, admittedly.
<RJak> Sephiroth tacos?
<TMR> I swear, DC has the biggest fucking squirrels...
<TMR> If some of my hickier friends went there, they'd come home with a trunk full of dead squirrelmeat.
* Kyol sings, "Veni, veni venias, ne me mori facias..."
<RJak> Sephiroth Squirrel. Give him a nut or he'll summon meteor.
<CrzyClmbr> cool, the squirrels there can get DSL next month
<TMR> So THAT's why that one squirrel had glowing eyes.
<TMR> And a longass sword.
<StanXhiao> insulation is tasty
<RJak> the tacos can have DSL next month.
<RJak> Sephiroth and his squirrel tacos.
* RJak imagines Sephiroth the spokesman for Taco Bell. "Eat the Chalupa or I'll put the Masamune up your ass."
<TMR> "....i'll take the Masamune, but be quick about it."
<Da_Raven> You can use the chalupa to grease up.

<StanXhiao> Do people pull over for funeral processions wher you live?
<SeanQ> i flip on my headlights and join in... one way to beat the traffic around town
<StanXhiao> "You're dead? Well, fuck you anyway, I'm in a hurry!"
<CrzyClmbr> yeah, but at 10 mph, right?
<mdxi> i think the whole thing is stupid. he's dead. he's in no hurry.
<mdxi> have some respect for the living.
<SeanQ> i think that whole tradition started when there /was/ a rush to bury the dead, especially in warm-weather areas like Texas
<SeanQ> but we have embalming fluid now, so get the fuck outta my way already
<mdxi> it makes no sense in today's society. i can see it back in the 1800s when anyone who might see a funeral procession would have known the deceased
<agtorange> Y'all know, I'm sure, that they bury the dead above ground in Louisiana--they started becasue the constant flooding would pull up freshly buiried folks and float 'em into town...
<agtorange> "Look! Its Uncle Phil!, comin' in hard starboard!"
<Elkman> But on the other hand, who wants to interfere with a funeral procession? Some of them might get lost on the way to the cemetery.
<Elkman> Especially if some of the friends of the deceased are elderly.
<SeanQ> BTW, you can tell how old the deceased is by the number of cars in teh funreral procession with their turn signals on
<StanXhiao> in Champagne Lincoln Town Cars
<SeanQ> stan: with Florida plates
<agtorange> as my deceased grandfather would say, as he drove down a main street at 15mph, "Hee Hee! Listen to 'em honk! I wonder who they're honkin' at?"
<agtorange> (he wasn't yet deceased)
<StanXhiao> sean: and from the back, all you see is what looks like a fedora and two hands on the steering wheel
<spinn> rent a limo, fine a funeral procession, get in the middle, and then lead the people behind you to a different cemetary.
<dpk> or to a mcd's drive thru
<dpk> "did somebody say mcdonalds?"
<agtorange> and drop a big cardborad box out the back when you get there, and then roar off.
<CrzyClmbr> I dunno. Driving around honking after a wedding strikes me as much m ore annoying than funeral processions.
<agtorange> CC: agreed. I'm all for getting rid of land mines, but I say save a few for wedding honker routes.
<Elkman> Yeah, and funeral processions have less stuff tied to the back of the car.
<agtorange> Maybe I could tie some cans to my bumper and join a funeral procession...

* dpk is a big company
<dpk> with sales exceeding hundreds of dollars a year!
<StanXhiao> You sound like a big company
<StanXhiao> But you'd sound even bigger with a lower-case "e" in front of your name
*** dpk is now known as eDpk
<eDpk> Yes! I am e-enabled! Buy My Crap!
<StanXhiao> When's your IPO?!?!
<eDpk> NASDAQ: DPK IPO in December!
<mdxi> well hell
*** mdxi is now known as eMdxi
<eMdxi> i am your one-stop source for cyber community knowlegebase commerce multimedia broadband auction expert solutions!
<spinn> wow!
<eMdxi> oh, and greeting cards.
<spinn> here's money!!
<eMdxi> i am estimated to be profitable in approximately 92 quarters
<Leth^> Hey! I like your command of buzzwords! Can I give you lots of cash?
<eDpk> woah, the competition
<eDpk> i offer online auctions! yes, you too can sell body parts, _from your living room_
<eDpk> oh you said auctions.. damn..
<eMdxi> ha-ha!
<eDpk> *thwarted*
<eDpk> ahh... ahh.. MS.. buy me
<eDpk> i'm bleeding
<eMdxi> furthermore, i have no income and no products! also, i have 34.6 billion dollars in questionable patent lawsuits filed against companies which actually *do* make something.
<eDpk> i hold the patent to the revolutionary two-click ordering system! it's far superior (2x !!!) to amazon's outdated one-click system
<Elkman> What's with the E-stuff, then?
<eDpk> eLkman: we are e-ready!
* eDpk makes a note - must enable customer when i get back
<e-Elkman> I'm gonna launch an IPO. Anyone want to buy now?
<e-Elkman> Shares are $10 each now, but they'll go up to $140 within a month.
<SeanQ> then back down to $10 a week later?
<e-Elkman> Sean: I'm not making any guarantees.
<StanXhiao> When do you go tits-up?
<Kyol> After the profit-taking. Woo-ee.
<e-Elkman> Stan: Why? What kind of perversion do you have in mind?
<Leth^> roll over and take it like a man
* e-Elkman checks... hockeyfag isn't here

[http://www.trainupachild.com/]
<agtorang> have you guys seen the biblical action figures yet?
<Elkman> How come Adam and Eve aren't naked?
<agtorang> dunno--but like the guy at Portal of Evil says, you know one of these is going to show up in a rectal x-ray real soon.
<wabewalkr> Those are... frightning.
<agtorang> Jesus with a kung-fu grip!
<zompist> now you can stage little plays with jesus, death, sailor moon, and riker!
<Elkman> And they have Jesus there, but no apostles or Pontius Pilate.
<agtorang> you just use your wwf action figures for apostles
<zompist> i was going to say they need villains, but they have goliath.
<wabewalkr> I wonder how Jesus would fare... against MR. BARBEQUE!
<agtorang> "Father! why hast you forsaken...Ahhhhgh! The magnifying glass!"
<zompist> but they need some better villains... satan, the sodomites, the beast, judas, richard simmons...
<Elkman> And fundies?
<wabewalkr> Jesus vs. Richard Simmons... now THERE'S a Celebrity Deathmatch.
<agtorang> posable fundie action figues with removable nuts!
<wabewalkr> No, if you remove their nuts, they can't go to heaven.
<agtorang> well, where's the play value in that?
<zompist> you can remove other body parts tho'.
<wabewalkr> Real bris action!
<agtorang> Action Mohel!
<agtorang> with kung fu grip!
<Elkman> When I first saw "train up a child", I started thinking of railroad equipment in the wrong place.
<Da_Raven> I like the way they made Job looks like he was savaged by wolves with fashion sense.
<Da_Raven> There's supposed to be "background play scenery".
<wabewalkr> Cardboard... so you can set it on fire.
<Da_Raven> "It is suggested that an adult read to the child from scripture, while the child plays with the toy enacting the Biblical scene. Our purpose in creating this toy is to bring glory and honor to God and to further His Kingdom."
<Da_Raven> Whee.
<Elkman> Of course, when the kid starts nibbling on the head, the whole idea goes out the window.
<agtorang> I look forward to thenerw series: Habbakuk, Balaam w/detachable ass, Judas
<Da_Raven> Jezebel - with free Pack of Hounds!
<wabewalkr> Oh, man. I'm thinking stop-action animation and some serious blasphemy.

<spinn> no sunday comics on th king features site
<StanXhiao> Bil's saving them all
<CrzyClmbr> It's sacrilegious to entertain on Sunday.
<Nyder> Which is why the Sunday ones are more crap than the usual run?
<K_Man> It's sacrilicious!
<StanXhiao> Sunday's usually the only day Grandad floats down from Heaven
<Nyder> You'd think he'd be a good Christian and rest.
<StanXhiao> I just wish Bil would draw ghosts of the poor dead Keane children, like little strangled BilBenet and all of Thel's partial-birth abortions
<Nyder> hee
<StanXhiao> man, she looked hot in that little cowgirl outfit, you know, with the cutouts and fringes...
<Leth^> and little Jimmy's grandmother that the class had to pray for
<Leth^> she probably died because schools don't allow prayer
<Nyder> No, she went on the game, and they were praying for the redemption of her soul before she died.
<StanXhiao> Oh, yeah, forgot about her
<StanXhiao> That was so sad
<StanXhiao> Poor dead cartoon woman and shit
<Leth^> but at least Granpa Keane's got a little 'spiritual companion'
<spinn> dislike having to worry about that
<Nyder> Don't worry about Granpa Keane, spinn. He's getting plenty.
<StanXhiao> He's got the other Grandma Keane to poke
<Nyder> How about Thel's evil brother who got the chair in '76?
<Leth^> Yeah, but he's still a Keane...one poke-pal's never enough
<Nyder> which is why he's coming back... to get the rest of the Keanes...
<K_Man> Grampa Keane is the temporary Angel of Death.

<dpk> i was running for people magazine's most beautiful
<dpk> i'm also running for pres in 2016
<K_Man> You've got the Ruffiani vote!
<dpk> hehe. i was #2 for a while
<Nyder> In the presidential elections?
<dpk> in the poll
<dpk> i won't be running for prez for a while
<Nyder> if you need someone to start a smear campaign against your opponents, you know where to turn...
<K_Man> I'll give you twenty bucks to nominate me Secretary of State if you win.
<Nyder> That's a good idea-- a Ruffiani administration. Can I be Her Majesty's Ambassador?
<K_Man> And whenever the president writes a bill, Zompist and Raven can be on hand to put it either in the green, yellow or red bin.
<Nyder> kaufman can be the Spinn doctor
<dpk> the Ruffiani Party
<dpk> which is more party than any of the others out there
<Nyder> Why vote for the lesser of two evils?
<Leth^> vote for THE evil
<K_Man> I Ruffiani is slowly becoming the internet Mafia, y'know.
<K_Man> "I don't like this page. TMR, go out and whack this shmuck, willya?"
<Nyder> in the absence of government, vigilante rule is the best option.
<RenField> Yes master
* RenField goes out and kneecaps someone for The MAster
<|Torgo|> ThE...MaStER...ISn'T...iN...rIGht...noW...

* Elkman will play hard to get.
<spinn> oh come on elkman PLEASE
<spinn> I'll make a ministri acuto for you
<Elkman> Hmm... ministri acuto.
<spinn> elk, that means you get my login pw and I have to ask you before I can add an iadl pic
<Elkman> Wow. More power than spinn?
<spinn> well, so I tell you as I'm being all sycophantic, but in reality I'm drugging your oatmeal and ruling through you
<Leth^> There is no Elkman...only Zuul

---

<Elkman> Hmm. Wouldn't purple eyes imply some kind of mind control was going on?
<Leth^> There's no mind control. Eat your oatmeal

---

<wabewalkr> Yeah, eventually Greg will be able to sit back and let others do the work as he collects the buckets o' cash.
<spinn> rob, shh!
<SeanQ> ahhhhh, the /true/ master plan!
<spinn> rob, in appreciation of all the work you've done for me, I present to you this yummy bowl of oatmeal
<wabewalkr> Mmmmmm... with brown sugar?
<spinn> yes. yes, with brown sugar. why not.
<wabewalkr> Will I get it spoon-fed to me by Wilford Brimley?
<spinn> not in actuality, but after you finish it I'll tell you it was, and you'll believe me.
<spinn> So, same end effect, really.

<MisterQ> I addicted to #spinnwebe
<MisterQ> Hello, My name is Mr. ? and I have a problem
<Mr_Ben> Hi, ?
<wabewalkr> Hello, Mr "?"
<MisterQ> Hi everyone
<zompist> well, if you're addicted to chat, you could probably find a chat group as your support group.
<wabewalkr> Now turn to your neighbor and say, "I love you, because you are you."
* zompist turns to wabe and gives him a big hug.
<Da_Raven> No hugging, man.
* zompist retracts his hug.
* wabewalkr turns to Raven and hugs before anyone else gets a chance.
<zompist> are women fair game then?
<MisterQ> You're not getting his Bud light
* Da_Raven hugs wabe back. "Okay, as long as it's not "for my inner child" or something..."
<wabewalkr> Too late! Hahahaha! I got her first! You'll have to hug "?"!
<Mr_Ben> There's only one in here!
* zompist figures the hell with it and hugs everybody.
<MisterQ> Err.. I'll just hug myself for now.
<zompist> you could also rock slowly back and forth. it's said to help.

<MisterQ> allright, random topic of the night is: cute fuzzy rabid monkies
<sol-D> naked or clothed?
<MisterQ> hmmm... winged
<sol-D> oh, they're pilots...
<Da_Raven> Touch my monkey fighter pilot!
<MisterQ> yep. They worked their way up and now have enough flight hours to fly 747s
<MisterQ> Reminds me of conan o'brian's skit: rockabilly polkadotted embryonic fighterpilots
<TheEnigma> Are they on fire?
<Da_Raven> Only if they're not very good.
<MisterQ> If they don't participate in mid-air passenger transfers
<TheEnigma> Because if they're aflame, then they're neat.
<MisterQ> flaming rabid monkey pilots?
<MisterQ> I think we got a winning children show idea here
<sol-D> "flaming"?
<MisterQ> Enigma set the monkies on fire
<MisterQ> And they're gay
<MisterQ> flaming gay rabid fighter monkies
<TheEnigma> No, they're heterosexual.
<sol-D> but in that cool non-intimate way

<TheEnigma> I would like to take this opportunity to offer my services, free of charge, as a test subject.
<MisterQ> The Geek2Gentleman program will start beta testing as soon as I hire the hot chicks
<MisterQ> I was thinking along the lines of putting an add in the paper
<MisterQ> And having a special diet to help give our trainees a six pack, or for the really difficult cases, liposuction and plastic surgery.
<MisterQ> After they graduate, the trainese will be able to move like Ricky Martin, talk like Barry White, dress like James Bond, and blanch at the sight Magic, the Gathering cards.
<sol-D> trainese? they're an ethnic group?
<MisterQ> Our motto: Why fight orks when you can steal the hearts of beutiful women
<MisterQ> Then we would have to explain to the 'special' applicants that they won't be able to actually 'steal' the hearts.
<sol-D> "steel" their hearts, more likely
<MisterQ> but they can already do that
<MisterQ> The failures, we can give the number for 'Lowered Expectations'

<TheEnigma> We should win some sort of award for this kind of thing.
<MisterQ> Award?? We'd be lucky if the police don't find this site!
<zompist> maybe we'll get on the useless pages...
<Da_Raven> Heh. "Most Extensive Shared Universe"
<TheEnigma> These pages are VERY useful.
<zompist> sure, for instance if you have a fetish for burning kittens.
* TheEnigma attempts to look totally innocent
<TheEnigma> I have no idea of what you speak.
<MisterQ> What are you holding? Is that a lighter?
* zompist hears a meow from under enigma's shirt.
<TheEnigma> No! It's...eh....a.....small butane torch, actually.
<TheEnigma> I've...er....got to go now.
* TheEnigma punches his shirt, cusses angrily, and stumbles off
* sol-D starts sneezing
<sol-D> its kittens! get him!
<MisterQ> I sure hope that wasn't a tiger cub. I'd hate to accidentaly open it's mother's cage
<TheEnigma> It's a baby harp seal
<TheEnigma> I'm branching out
<MisterQ> do those burn easily?
<TheEnigma> Trying to broaden my horizons of animal cruelty
<TheEnigma> No, they take a while. And more than a mere lighter.
<TheEnigma> Hence, the butane torch.
<MisterQ> And you have to club them first
<TheEnigma> Or punch them

<Da_Raven> ANd letting the cats in and out. I need a cat door in my sliding glass patio door.
<zompist> can cats slide open a mini glass patio door?
<Da_Raven> mine can open every other kind of door. :)
<MisterQ> how about safes?
<zompist> you've heard of cat burglars, no?
<MisterQ> Raven is probably laughing away with the loot obtained by her trained cats
<Mr_Ben> Yep.
<Mr_Ben> A whole ton of valuables in the front yard.
<zompist> of course, they're all cat toys.
<Da_Raven> Yup. A veritable feast of catnip.
<Mr_Ben> "Stupid cats! I said get stuff for ME!"
<zompist> it's weird, it seems that only cats are our only domestic animal with their own drug.
<MisterQ> hey, yea. How come there isn't any dog-nip or manatee-nip?
<Da_Raven> Dogs have those squeeky hamburgers.
<Mr_Ben> Or human-nip.
<zompist> they're all kinds of human-nip.
<MisterQ> It think it's called crack
<zompist> manatee-nip... do you want your manatee to be frisky?
<Mr_Ben> Crackheads do strange things on crack...you're right.
<MisterQ> crack-nip
<Mr_Ben> Who set kittens on fire.
<zompist> theenigma's a crackhead?
<MisterQ> They should custom engeneer nip for each one of us.
<MisterQ> Have some raven-nip, Raven.
<Da_Raven> I need nip? :)
<Mr_Ben> Or some zompist-nip for zomp.
* zompist bounces up and down.
<Mr_Ben> CHILL!
<Mr_Ben> You've had enough! ;-)
<MisterQ> just don't get hooked on nip!
<zompist> but it's customized!
<zompist> it's irresistable!
<Da_Raven> This is nip.
<Da_Raven> This is your zomp on nip.
<Da_Raven> Any Questions?
<MisterQ> That's right, you can't use anyone else's nip, and if they shut off your supply, then it's cold turkey time!
<Mr_Ben> What would you do for some nip?
<zompist> oh, kill a man.
<Da_Raven> Just to watch him die!
<zompist> to rip out his still-beating heart and... uh... well, dig the beat.
<MisterQ> been there, done that. er... I mean... not.

<SeanQ> "A Lear Jet crashed in the remote hills of South Dakota today. Steve Lawrence and Edie Gorme could not be reached for comment."
<Elkman> I wonder what the fundies would say about that.
<Da_Raven> "Sheri Lewis and Lambchop were devistated by the news. The show business duo plan on starting a foundation in honor of this tragedy "Butt-Ugly-Tam-O'-Shanter Foundation". Give generously.
<StanXhiao> Uh, she dead.
<Da_Raven> And?
<StanXhiao> And that's all she wrote. Or, in this case, sock-puppeted.
<zompist> if shari lewis is dead, is lampchop dead too?
<StanXhiao> Get out the mint jelly, is all you can say, zomp.
<Da_Raven> Somewhere, there's just this bedraggled sock, badly in need of fabric softener, dragging itself around by its front paws looking for a new friend....
<zompist> that's a neat trick to play on children, really.
<zompist> name a cute tv character after food.
<zompist> "did you like that show? guess what's for dinner!"
<Da_Raven> "No leaving the dinner table until you've eaten all your TinkyWinky!"
<StanXhiao> So the sock is dragging itselfd out of the dirt?
<zompist> the return of the living lambchop.
<spinn> dear GOD you people are evil.
<Da_Raven> "Haaaaand....Haaaaaand!
<StanXhiao> Lambchop's time had come.
<spinn> we need to make a doom game where the player is an angel, and he's killing ALL OF YOU.

<TheEnigma> Well, my friends and I stumbled on to some people as they were vandalizing a car....
<TheEnigma> We stayed behind until the police came, to give a description of the vehicle.
<TheEnigma> It was in this public park place
<TheEnigma> And some guy who works at the park came by and called the cops and all that
<TheEnigma> And let us inside a big building to dry off (it was raining)
<TheEnigma> And he said, "yeah, things are always happening like that here. Some kids came by a few weeks ago and ripped all the electrical wiring out of the picnic area."
<TheEnigma> "Why," my friend asked, "would they do that?"
<TheEnigma> "They said they were looking for Satan," the guy said.
<TheEnigma> Looking for Satan.
<TheEnigma> In the electrical wiring of a small, outdoor picnic area.
<TheEnigma> Sure.
<TMRoach> Well, we can rule out the fuse box.
<TMRoach> Anybody check the laundromat?
<Mr_Ben> Or in a car.
<TheEnigma> I don't think they have one at the park
<TheEnigma> It took a minute to sink in
<TheEnigma> Then finally I said "wait a second....WHAT? Looking for WHAT?"
<TheEnigma> "Satan," he said, very seriously.
<TheEnigma> "Yeah," I said. "Makes sense. Everyone knows that Satan hangs out in the electrical wiring of a deserted public park when he could be hanging out in places of sin, like whorehouses and all that."
<TheEnigma> Looking for Satan.
<TMRoach> Great, now the Baptist Convention is gonna boycott electricity!
<Mr_Ben> Let them go full circle, they probably hate everything ELSE!
<TheEnigma> The Christian Coalition will shut down Crooked Creek Park.....Satan's hangin' out in the wiring.....
<Mr_Ben> Everyone sits in the dark until further notice.
<TheEnigma> That may have been the most absurd thing that I have ever heard.
<TMRoach> "Get thee behind me, foul electron of Satan!"
<TMRoach> Nightie night... don't turn on the night-light, it's got SATAN in it!
<TheEnigma> Satan's RUNNING THROUGH MY WALLS!
<TMRoach> You'd have to be completely insane on acid and ether to think that Satan lives in 220 service.

<TMR> JESUS IS THE ANSWER!
<TMR> Question: What crawled up your butt and died?
<TheEnigma> Looking for Satan in the electrical wiring.
<MisterQ> JESUS IS THE ANSWER! Now phrase him in the form of a question!
<MisterQ> If I was Satan, I would only hand around in T-3s or faster connections.
<TMR> Oh yeah? Think of the old days, when Satan had to live in 300 baud modems.
<MisterQ> Then I'd send e-mails that say, "Pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name?"
<TMR> God: Jesus Christ! J.C.: Don't take my name in vain, Dad!
<TheEnigma> God: God, son, I'm sorry.
<TheEnigma> Jesus: Dad! You did it again!
<MisterQ> God: Goddamnit! and he goes straight to hell
<TheEnigma> Right after we do, for having this conversation.
<sol-D> in a handbasket?
<TMR> Satan: Ahhh.... come meet me, in the copper wiring... I've been waiting for this...
<TheEnigma> Ooooh....a handbasket, with ribbons?
<MisterQ> ribbons on fire!
<TMR> These are a few of my favorite things...
<MisterQ> Tents full of poop and kittens on fire. Olde Ones, Chutulu, and funeral pyres. These are a few of my favorite things.
<TMR> Serving bird droppings as warm appetizers, licking the residue from bathroom sanitizers, sanding the top of my dick till it stings, these are a few of my favorite things...

<TheEnigma> This is a guy who didn't work for a year because he was too lazy to apply for a job....
<TheEnigma> And any job anyone suggested, he'd say "no, that's beneath me."
<spinn> did he manage to find interest enough to push food in his mouth?
<TheEnigma> The fucker had to beg gas money off of his friends.
<spinn> which, apparently, wasn't beneath him
<TheEnigma> God alone knows how he managed to get money to eat away from home.
<TheEnigma> Maybe he blew people.
<TheEnigma> No, I don't mean that. I'm sorry.
<spinn> sure. then he'd be beneath other people
<Da_Raven> Oh, sure you did.
<spinn> that'd be okay
<TheEnigma> I know he didn't blow people for cheeseburger money.
<Da_Raven> cheeseburger money can't be tainted?
<TheEnigma> No.....barbecue sandwich money can be tainted.
<Da_Raven> The cheeseburger money is Holy! Thou Shalt Not Blow Others for Cheeseburgers!
<TheEnigma> See, he didn't get his license because he didn't want to get a job to pay for gas and car insurance
<TheEnigma> And when his friends finally said "hey, asshole, no more chauffer service," he got a car AND a job.
<spinn> I wonder how many dicks he had to swallow for the car
<TheEnigma> Then he quit because he said, and I quote directly here, "they worked me too hard."
<TheEnigma> So then he had a car, and he began bumming money from his mom for gas and car insurance
<TheEnigma> Not to mention entertainment money
<TheEnigma> I don't think he'd suck dick, not even for money.
<spinn> yeah
<spinn> requires too much head motion
<TheEnigma> Too much energy
<spinn> he'd need to buy tissues
<TheEnigma> "Yeah, I'd suck dick, but it's only ten bucks....and then I'd need to take a nap first. Maybe if you'll just move my head back and forth for me, I'll do it."

<TheDodge> Ehow to empty a jar of Oing!
<Da_Raven> To keep your garbage disposal clean and fresh, empty a jar of Oing! into it and run it until the screaming stops....
<Elkman> Oh, I bet the folks at Roto-Rooter would love you for that.
<TheDodge> And away goes Barfy down the drain....Roto-Rooter!
<TheDodge> You'd better check this out
<TheDodge> [ URL for Randy and Mary Oing ]
<Elkman> I'm surprised they aren't trying to sell drain cleaner on their site.
<Da_Raven> "Randy Oing" Scary.
<TheDodge> There are now three little Oings
<TheDodge> Oh yeah...they're going in the Hall of Roody Poos
<TheDodge> The first little Oing made his house of straw
<Elkman> The second little Oing made his house of poop.
<TheDodge> "Little Oing! Little Oing! Let me in!" "Not by the hypno-hair of my chinny chin chin!"

<StanXhiao> My hand are laved in Freshly Washed Baby...here, lad, have a smell
<kaufman_> Sean: I bet a scent called cecilweed would sell!
* CrzyClmbr is tempted to pull stan's finger, but backs away at the last minute
<SeanQ> and it's Newly Bathed Baby... if you're gonna make fun of my company, stan, get it right
<Elkman> Whew. For a second, I thought you said "Newly Baked Baby".
<Nate-O> That's etter than Newly Soiled Baby
<kaufman_> Undiscarded bathwater
<SeanQ> "Oceanic notes, with a hint of motor oil"
<Nate-O> I think that scent's called "Jersey Shore"
<kaufman_> Sun-dried placenta
<Leth_> fetus fondue?
<StanXhiao> My bottom is salved with lotions of Newly Bathed Baby. And I feel wonderful! -A. Vigoda.
<StanXhiao> Try Cucumber Melon. Because we all know where /that's/ been.
<Nate-O> Maybe a little sundried placenta hoagie is just what I need to get the juices flowing...
<Elkman> What kind of restaurants ARE in your neighborhood, Nate?
<agtorange> with a refreshing splash of spremute!
<CrzyClmbr> there are actually more hospitals than restaurants within walking distance here...
<agtorange> six of one...
<CrzyClmbr> well, i'm sure not ordering the red jello...
<Nate-O> scab surprise!
<Nate-O> now with meaty chunks
<agtorange> mystery organ with fava beans and a nice chianti

<MisterQ> I don't think I'm the youngest person here....
<MisterQ> am I?
<Da_Raven> I dunno, how old are you?
<MisterQ> 24
<Da_Raven> Yes, you are.
<MisterQ> hmmm...
<zompist> so, you have to wear your underwear outside your pants.
<MisterQ> what you do inside your house is your own business!
*** TheEnigma (crowley2@user-2ivfj1q.dialup.mindspring.com) has joined #spinnwebe
<zompist> are you younger than 24, enigma?
<TheEnigma> Yeah
<TheEnigma> I'm 20
<TheEnigma> 21 in three months.
<Da_Raven> Hey, you can wear your underwear underneath again, Q.
<MisterQ> Now you have to wear the ceremonial undergarments!
* zompist feels sorry for dmlaenker already.
<MisterQ> Who said they were 'my' underwear?
<TheEnigma> Why, what did I do?
<Da_Raven> The ceremonial undergarments will *not* have orcs on them, zomp....
<zompist> enigma: you tuned into a conversation taking place at 2 a.m.
<Da_Raven> And that's punishment enough! :)
<zompist> an hour ago, we were communing with the secrets of the universe.
<zompist> now it's underwear.

<TheEnigma> Come, fellow Spinnwebers....let us commence the extended idling.
<TheEnigma> Damn you....you broke the extended idling.
<TheEnigma> And so quickly, I might add.
<zompist> the idle function is broken?
<zompist> how are we going to get the screen refreshed?
<TheEnigma> Pray?
* zompist takes out a screwdriver, wd-40, and manual, and climbs into the central system kernel of #spinnwebe.
* zompist coughs.
<zompist> nobody ever cleans in here.
<kaufman> need to replace the red filter
<zompist> idle routine... idle routine...
<zompist> hand me a flashlight, somebody, wouldja?
<TheEnigma> Hey, I'm relatively new here......don't look at me.
* TheEnigma hands zomp a flashlight
<zompist> thanks, mon.
<zompist> ah, here it is!
<zompist> no wait.
<zompist> this is the eric idle routine.
<Da_Raven> So what happened to the cleaning bots, zomp?
* zompist brushes away the cobwebs on the idle function.
<zompist> cleaning robots can't fix code!
<zompist> our jobs wouldn't be safe!
<zompist> ah, good. nothing here a little wd-40 won't fix.
<zompist> somebody want to try the ignition?
* Da_Raven gives 'er some gas and tries the ignition.
<TheEnigma> You should do the honors.
* zompist tightens a few bolts, squirts a little wd-40 in, and drinks the screwdriver.
* zompist apologizes for re-using the joke. he's easily amused.
<TheEnigma> hehe
<TheEnigma> Aren't we all?
<Da_Raven> Heh. I was just surprised that someone finally went grocery shopping - I thought we were out of OJ.
* zompist climbs out of the kernel, dusty but content.
<zompist> that idle routine gives you any more trouble, you call me.
<TheEnigma> Will do, Channel Maintainence Man.
* Da_Raven just can't imagine zomp with Maintenance Man Crack...
<zompist> no, not that!

<maime> we used to play a game called "Grosser than Gross"
<TheEnigma> Chitterlings!
<TheEnigma> Strangled....with....chitterlings.
<maime> what's a chitterling?
<TheEnigma> Thas' how we do it he-yar in th' South, ya'll.
<zompist> a small chitterl.
<TheEnigma> Pork intestines.
<TheEnigma> You cook 'em up somehow.
<maime> I thought those were Chitl'ins
<TheEnigma> And then some moronic motherfuckers actually consume them as nourishment.
<TheEnigma> Spelled "chitterlings," pronounced "chitlins."
<maime> Ahhhh
<TheEnigma> I mean, hey. It's the South.
<maime> I'm enlightened.
<zompist> heh. i like the way my dictionary defines it: "the small intestines of pigs, cooked and eaten as food."
<TheEnigma> Go figure that we wouldn't pronounce something the way it's spelled.
<Trainman> Eaten as food, but not actually food.
<zompist> a definition obviously written by an unbelieving northerner.
<TheEnigma> Ahh. My personal dictionary defines them as "disgusting shit that morons eat."
<zompist> well, that's if you don't squeeze 'em out first.
<maime> I can't understand Okra
<LadyJ> okra sucks moose penis
<TheEnigma> Oh my God, I hate okra.
<zompist> me neither, but steadman likes her.
<TheEnigma> And I was born and raised in the South.
<MisterQ> I don't think I've ever had okra..
<TheEnigma> So people ALWAYS ask me, "whatchoo, one-a them gol-durned Yankeeeees?"
<Trainman> I kind of like okra, especially if it's cooked the way my father always cooked it, in bacon fat.
<maime> I've had okra I just haven't ever liked it. except in gumbo
<TheEnigma> I only like okra one way - far away from my mouth.
<Da_Raven> I've only had it in gumbo and haven't noticed the taste.
<zompist> "Okra. Eaten as food." brought to you by the okra board.
<TheEnigma> I live near a town that proclaims itself some sort of okra-wonderful town. They have - I'm not making this up - a parade every year named the Okra Strut.
<TheEnigma> God, I loathe this state.
<zompist> "okra-wonderful" could go on letterman's top 10 list of little-used words, along with "owl-flavored" and "hitler-rific."
<TheEnigma> It's sad that a little town has....okra....as its symbol, its point of pride.
<zompist> could be worse, though not by much. could be brussels sprouts.
<TheEnigma> Shhh
<TheEnigma> Don't encourage them
<maime> Godiva Liquor is the bestest ever liquid chocolate.
<zompist> and you can eat it naked!
<TheEnigma> You can eat most anything naked.
<maime> Its more fun when you eat it naked.
<zompist> well, maybe that's the trick with okra.
<TheEnigma> We've gone from the Cthulhu-mating-with-grandma channel to the eating-things-naked channel.
<zompist> i say it's an improvement.
<zompist> although cthulhu eating grandma naked might be next.
<MisterQ> Maybe if Cuthulu was made up of liquid chocolate, he might not have such a bad rap
<TheEnigma> Maybe people would risk insanity more often in order to summon him

<TheEnigma> Goody....I come home to a new IADL picture!
<TheEnigma> Time for the Joy Dance.
* zompist clears away some furniture to make some space.
<TheEnigma> Wait, no. I forgot.
<TheEnigma> I have the rhythm of a white man.
<zompist> really? who?
<TheEnigma> A dead one.
<TheEnigma> But with even less rhythm.
<zompist> ah well, at least he won't miss it.
<TheEnigma> If he does, I sure as hell hope he doesn't decide to try and retreive it.
<MisterQ> Well the Zombies in the Thriller video did have some pretty good moves...
<TheEnigma> They are not indicative of the zombie rhythm that I possess.
<zompist> do you include michael jackson in that category?
<zompist> or is he more of a golem?
<MisterQ> I think he might fall into the pedophilic wraith catagory now...
<TheEnigma> He's some sort of pedophilic golem wraith, I think.
<MisterQ> And who knows how many insanity points you have to roll when you see his next video...
<TheEnigma> Roll a sanity check with a -50 penalty
<TheEnigma> It's like seeing the Great Cthulhu
<TheEnigma> While he's humping your grandmother

<zompist> man, debb must have a lot of hair.
<spinn> we did nine braids
<spinn> hard part was combing her hair into segments
<spinn> c'os she has this serious natural curl hair that's real difficult to work with
<maime> what kinda braids we talking about?
<spinn> just regular braidy braids
<maime> the tiny afro kind?
<spinn> um
<spinn> hm.
<spinn> well, small. wouldn't say tiny
<TMR> Heidi-braids?
<spinn> uh, I don't really know, like, types of braids
<spinn> okay, um, I split the hair on the top of her head in two rows of three squares each
<spinn> and braided them with ribbon
<Da_Raven> As opposed to the hair elsewhere?
<spinn> then braided what was left in the back into three
<spinn> as opposed to the hair on the side of her head, yes
<TMR> That didn't get braided?
<spinn> hm.
<spinn> I'm pulling the ripcord and getting out of this conversation
<zompist> run back and do the sides!!!
<TMR> C'mon, you leave hair hanging off the sides of her head, it's going to look sloppy!
<TMR> Her friends are going to laugh at her!

<StanXhiao> Ich haben sie 12 cm dortmunderwurst
<DMLaenker> I have for thee/her 12 cm dortmund... OH MY GOD!
<DMLaenker> That... that just blows my mind, Stan. It's like something out of Sprockects.
<StanXhiao> The monkey is outside the door, you may go there and pet it
<spinn> any predictions for the sprockets movie?
<spinn> just wondering what the odds are that it'll actually be good
<StanXhiao> without knowing anything about it...
<StanXhiao> 50/50
<spinn> well, the baseline for an SNL movie starts at 20%
<spinn> well, no. 30%.
<StanXhiao> So that's pretty good
<spinn> modifier for a sketch that's actually amusing: +10%
<spinn> Mike Myers bonus: 40%
<StanXhiao> And with a foreign accent, +25%
<spinn> no.
<spinn> 35%
<spinn> yeah, 65%. that's reasonable.
<spinn> that's what I would've given wayne's world.
<spinn> wayne's world II would've gotten -15% for being a sequel
<spinn> and that would've been right too
<StanXhiao> although the Jim Morrison bit was inspired, but poorly excecuted
<StanXhiao> Nothing at all like the scene where the runaway baby carriage runs over the spectacles
<StanXhiao> Coneheads started off with a 5o handicap
<spinn> oh that's tricky.
<spinn> because, it gets the +10% "sketch that's actually amusing" bonus
<spinn> but lost +25% on "trying to cash in on retro"

* kaufman is trying to work out an El Pin~o line
<TheEnigma> El Piño?
<kaufman> The antithesis of those vaginal fronts
<MisterQ> As opposed to El Boobo
<spinn> that's a two-front system
<Da_Raven> Not in the DFC.
<spinn> meets in what we call "the clevagal area"
<zompist> clevagal? isn't that what's used to treat a yeast infection?
<MisterQ> Have you ever wanted a degree in clitmatology, here at the Spinnwebe Institute of Clitamatology you can become certified in two to six weeks
<Mr_Ben> You'll be a bonerfied expert!
<spinn> yeah, The People's United Vaginal Front
<spinn> ewww, picture the propaganda posters.
<LadyJeigh> The vaginal Front of Judea
<LadyJeigh> The Popular Vaginal Front
<wabewalkr> Better the front than the back.
<Da_Raven> Vaginal fronts tend to be popular, J. :)
<zompist> who has a vagina in the back?
<LadyJeigh> and I'm predicting s 50% chance of cootchie
<zompist> well! at least we moved to another body part.
<wabewalkr> Unless Charo forms a splinter group.
<kaufman> far to the north, you may be able to observe the aureola borealis
<LadyJeigh> splinters and cootchie don't mix
<LadyJeigh> heh... men stare at it for hours, transfixed
<zompist> no, once they've been fixed, they lose interest.
<LadyJeigh> this channel has very trippy conversations
<TheEnigma> You're just now figuring out that this channel has very trippy conversations?

<Samwise> Kinda like homosexuals...doomed to always remain a minority because they don't reproduce.
<wabewalkr> Homosexuals reproduce by beaming gay rays at people.
<Samwise> "gay rays"?
<zompist> and by making people in chat groups feel less manly than usual.
<MisterQ> You have to use your Gaydar to avoid them, huh?
<Samwise> Kinda like gamma rays, right?
<Samwise> Whadda ya mean? I feel plenty manly! Augh augh, I think I'll go have a steak, rare, then fix somethign. Augh augh augh...
<MisterQ> If Bruce Banner was hit by gay rays, he would go "You wouldn't like me when I'm all angry, you brute." slap
<Da_Raven> That's manly? That's my job description. :)
<zompist> if bruce banner was hit by gay rays, he'd be peter parker.
<Samwise> eat rare steak and fix things? Wow...
<Da_Raven> Pretty much.
<wabewalkr> I want your job, Raven.
<Da_Raven> Well, they don't supply me with steak; I have to go get it myself.
<Samwise> I can be your steak boy. "Steak boy! Steak! Now!" "Yes, ma'am..."

<sol-D> prepare to be enlightened
* zompist prepares as best he can for that eventuality.
* Da_Raven battens down the hatches.
* MisterQ attains near nirvana and waits for the revelation
* sol-D scratches her nose
* sol-D runs away, quickly
<TheEnigma> Damn
* zompist and the others pursue!
<TheEnigma> Now THAT'S enlightenment.
<Da_Raven> A chase!
<MisterQ> a race!
* Da_Raven tries to head her off at the disco ball....
<sol-D> damn my pudgy legs!
* MisterQ lays strategic banana peels
* sol-D leaps over da_raven and lands on the new beanbag chair, splitting it open
<TheEnigma> Oh my God......oh.....oh, oh no......the.....the humanity.....
* zompist slips on a banana peel and falls in the hot tub
<Da_Raven> Nooooooo!
* MisterQ slowly gaining on Sol-D
* TheEnigma shakes his head sadly and looks away
* TheEnigma brushes away a single tear
* MisterQ gets distracted by the flaming hydrogen of the ex-bean bag chair and slips
* sol-D jumps out of the way as MisterQ approaches her...she watched him slip in the bean bag remnants
* zompist splashes water on sol-d as she runs by
<MisterQ> Papa Smurf was sitting on that chair!
<zompist> good riddance. i hear he was abusing smurfette.
* sol-D melts into a puddle of sol-D flavored gelatin
* Da_Raven refreshes herself with some of the fountain Kool-Aid.
* Da_Raven sucks up sol-D and puts her in the fridge.
* zompist slips on the nearest dry clothes, a zoot suit with a reet pleat.
* Da_Raven wolf-whistles.
<zompist> funny how a handsome man looks good in anything he throws on...
* Da_Raven pokes sol-D. Is the gelatin set? :)
* sol-D sits
<sol-D> gelatin set, ma'am
<zompist> what exactly is sol-d flavor?
<sol-D> kind of like weasel, only with more lemon
* Da_Raven gets out the Dustbuster and repairs the beanbag chair.
<Da_Raven> Mmmmmm, weaselicious!
* zompist is glad he didn't taste the gelatin
<TheEnigma> There's nothing quite as tasty as weasel.
<TheEnigma> Except, of course, many other things.
*** sol-D has quit IRC (Ping timeout: 240 seconds)
<zompist> elusive, isn't she?
<Da_Raven> Yup.
<zompist> now we'll never get enlightened.
<MisterQ> Just like the Diet Weasel she is

<zompist> see, you should see "bound" because it has authentic lesbo action. none of this pseudo-lesbian crap.
<maime> Like a man would know the difference?
<zompist> why not?
<wabewalkr> Hm. I dunno. As a man, I think I prefer the pseudo-lesbian fantasy to the reality.
<Da_Raven> Hey, you don't know how many lesbians he's watched in their natural habitat. maybe he has a lesbo blind set up somewhere.
<zompist> jeez, wabe. a lesbian blind.
<zompist> and you NEVER INVITED ME???
<Da_Raven> I meant you, zomp.
<wabewalkr> Better than a blind lesbian... spends all day at the fish market, depressed.
<wabewalkr> As a dater of lesbians, I do prefer the pseudo-lesbians... women who dig women, until a REAL MAN shows up and satisfies them both.
<maime> in contrast to the real womyn showing up and kicking your ass for looking at her girlfriend.
<wabewalkr> Right. I hate when that happens.

<zompist> here's a factoid for you: in tibet, tea is drunk with a little rancid yak butter in it.
<Da_Raven> Eww, yeah, that always struck me as gross.
<maime> Them tibetans know how to party
<zompist> well, who knows what the tibetans think about fritos.
<DMLaenker> Just what ARE fritos to be so bad?
<maime> I'm sure tibetans would like fritos. They don't kill anything to make them.
<maime> except soy beans.
<maime> and cork
<DMLaenker> Soy? They're soy?
<Da_Raven> Tibetans have issues with killing food, maime?
<DMLaenker> SOY?!
<DMLaenker> BUT I HAVE A SPECIFIC FEAR OF SOY!
<maime> I think they have issues with killing anything.
<DMLaenker> NO SOY!!!! NO!!!!!
<Da_Raven> Not that I know of.
<zompist> i like things to die for my meals.
<Da_Raven> Me, too. It's a comforting reassurance of my place on the food chain. ANd damn tasty.
<maime> I used to be vegan but it had nothign to do with death.
* zompist doesn't consider tofu to be food. more like packing material.
* zompist always wants to ask vegans what vega was like.

<Mr_Ben> The only species that will definitely survive Y2K are humans, cockroaches and Tupperware.
<wabewalkr> Tupperware is alive?
<Mr_Ben> No, but you can't destroy it!
<MisterQ> But the roles will be reversed! Tupperware will rule the world!
<zompist> of course tupperware is alive... it reproduces, doesn't it?
<Mr_Ben> You put two containers in the cupboard, two days later, it'll be twenty!
<Da_Raven> That's why you have to store the lids separately....
<sol-D> will they be forced to do menial jobs in the hope of survival?
<zompist> is there any attractive, cool-looking tupperware?
<zompist> i mean, theoretically, could such a thing happen?
<wabewalkr> Tupperware evolves into a beautiful species?
<Da_Raven> Oh, yeah, they have some sexy Tupperware, zomp.
<MisterQ> as well as tupperware whores
<sol-D> and tupperware hordes...
<wabewalkr> Yeah, the last tupperware party I went to I got laid.
<Da_Raven> That's Tupperware's trademark - the tw whores.
<MisterQ> Ghengis Can and his tupperware horde
<sol-D> i think my cabinets are a home for wayward tupperware...cripples, retards, the general filthy vagrants...
<Da_Raven> The ones with the melted in tomato sauce?
<sol-D> oh yeah, thats the kind
* sol-D shudders involuntarily
* zompist has never been to a tupperware party... he misses all these opportunities for casual, soulless sex.

* Mokohki takes out some angel food cake and vanilla ice cream
<zompist> if i were an angel, i'd get tired of cake... i'd want thai.
<MisterQ> If I was an angel, would I be cast down for liking Devil's food cake?
<zompist> yes.
<Mokohki> What about Pumpernickel? It translates to Devils fart? Could you eat that?
<MisterQ> I won't return my halo and outfit, though. I'll use that to fool poor souls into becoming Tele-Evangilists
<TheEnigma> If I were an angel, I'd get a bunch of my friends and see just how many of us could dance on the head of a pin.
<MisterQ> Depends on the dance, I imagine
<Mokohki> No electric slide
<Mokohki> That could be a bit dangerous
<Da_Raven> Polka!
<MisterQ> Hmmm? How many angels can Lambada on the head of a pin?
<TheEnigma> 23.
<TheEnigma> Wait
<TheEnigma> Fat angels? Thin angels?
<MisterQ> I'd feel bad for the odd angel out.
<MisterQ> 12 angel couples dancing the dirty, and the poor angel just hanging around the punch and chips.
<Mokohki> Of course, that angel would have much oppresed anger
<MisterQ> Enough to try some devil's food cake in secret.
<Mokohki> Later the angel would climb the local watchtower pin and go nuts

<zompist> j.d. salinger did pretty much vanish, however.
<wabewalkr> Didn't he disappear while in Mexico?
<Mr_Ben> Isn't he buried in the end zone at Giants Stadium?
<zompist> nah, he's just a recluse.
<Da_Raven> I thought he was in Grant's Tomb....
<MisterQ> Nah, that's Grant Hill
<zompist> how can a hill be buried in a tomb?
<MisterQ> It's a pretty big tomb, I guess.
<Da_Raven> The tomb is carved out of a mountain.
<wabewalkr> Nobody is buried in Grant's Tomb....
<MisterQ> What about the Halls of the Mountain King?
<Samwise> That's where old cough drops go.
<Mr_Ben> Or the Man on the Silver Mountain?
<wabewalkr> The Grants are entombed there. It's above ground.
<MisterQ> The unknown soldier is buried in Grant's Tomb
<MisterQ> On Bald Mountain
<Samwise> I sent a donation to the unknown soldier's widow.
<Mr_Ben> The American unknown soldier knew the French and British unknown soldiers.
<MisterQ> I guess the Mountain King has a bit of a sore throat problem.
<zompist> i think i read recently that there was some danger that the unknown soldier could now be identified.
<Da_Raven> That would be...ummm, tragic?
<zompist> well, he'd lose his job.
<MisterQ> The soldier formelly known as 'unknown'
<zompist> there's just not that many good gigs for a dead guy.
<MisterQ> Well, he could be Vice president
<Samwise> Or a big head on a stick.
<Samwise> Wait, same thing.
<zompist> i suppose they could just rename it. "the tomb of bill karnowski".

<MisterQ> Church would be fun if they reinacted ancient holy battles with Laser Tag.
<zompist> or suspended all the rules for five days every december.
<MisterQ> SinDay!
<SeanQ> how about a full week, one day for each Deadly Sin?
<SeanQ> It's Pride Tuesday!
<MisterQ> Sloth Saturday!
<Mr_Ben> Sacreligious Saturdays!
<zompist> pride tuesday... good day for homosexuality.
<Da_Raven> Must Sin Saturday!
<Wabewalkr> Greed Monday!
<MisterQ> Where every Sunday is 'Sin'Day!
<Da_Raven> Laser Crusades!
<Samwise> Yeah! They could use those laser tag kits that squirt water, and fill it with Holy Water!
<Mr_Ben> We fought the battle of Jericho, and the packs needed to be recharged!
<Mr_Ben> Bzzzz... "Game over. Thank you for playing Holy Q-Zar."
<zompist> i think enacting the days before the flood could be fun.
<Wabewalkr> "All right, sinners, into the church pool!"
<Da_Raven> A llama in a thong and a bathing cap...
<SeanQ> "Thou shalt not kill unless you tagged the invisible base first"
<Mr_Ben> Thou shalt not pisseth in the holy water.
<Wabewalkr> The Deli Llama?
<SeanQ> on rye with a little mustard
<Wabewalkr> "Blessed is he who partakes of the holy pastrami."
<MisterQ> Sacrilege? You're soaking in it!

<hockers> did I miss anything?
<wabewalkr> Yes, we came up with a plausable theory of Quantum Gravity.
<wabewalkr> And disproved the Halting Problem!
<Mr_Ben> It involved whipped cheese in a can.
<sol-D> we uncovered the lost colony of roanoke
<LadyJ> and decided to reinstate the red zone
<wabewalkr> They were hiding in my bathroom
<sol-D> and re-learned the secrets of damascus steel
<TheEnigma> We found the ACTUAL question to the answer of life, the universe, and everything.
<Mr_Ben> We found Ronald Reagan's mind too.
<Mr_Ben> And there really IS a multiverse!
<MrQuestio> Was Reagan's brain with Roanoake?
<Mr_Ben> No, it was on another parallel Earth.
<TheEnigma> We found out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin (7).
<wabewalkr> And it's disco dancing, too.
<Mr_Ben> We figured out who put the bomp in the bomp-de-bomp too.
<Mr_Ben> And the walrus was Paul or something.
<MrQuestio> goo goo ga choo
<LadyJ> and the illuminati is really run by Oscar the Grouch, in the depths of his garbage can.
<sol-D> We never did get around to solving who put the ram in the ramallamadingdong...

<Mr_Ben> Interesting...I'm reading here that many schools are pinning the blame on the Littleton shootings square on Marilyn Manson.
<maime> I'm sure it had nothing to do with them being Nazis.
<wabewalkr> Yesterday, they were blaiming The Matrix.
<Mr_Ben> You could blame things forever, and it still wouldn't fit.
<MrQuestio> It's all the Furbies' fault
<maime> Gotta round up all the furbies and kill them.
<Mr_Ben> No, the Speak n' Spell made them do it.
<wabewalkr> It's because the kids didn't see porno.
<zompist> i think it was, you know, people who aren't like me and are bad.
<MrQuestio> ki---kill ---kill the mall--
<Mr_Ben> "Spell MURDER"
<maime> Smash them and burn them. They are evil and must be destroYed.
<Mr_Ben> Sure it wasn't the Teletubbies?
<maime> "good, now try "Pipebomb"
<zompist> gay teletubbies make you shoot up your school!
<Mr_Ben> You are right! Try MASSACRE.
<MrQuestio> The cow says: booooooom
<wabewalkr> Gwee? Fwa too so wa ti kill da skoo?
<zompist> which backwards is ooks ad llik it aw satan worship satan.
<maime> I thought the teletubbies backwards is "go to the rave, get some fry, xtc is fun, yum yum"
<spinn> "hhhho hhhhu"
<MrQuestio> seibbuteleT use acid

<StanXhiao> There was a doctor in Fort Worth a few years ago, used to hammer a nail through his scrotum into a small piece of wood, then go to work
<StanXhiao> Then one day he killed his wife.
<spinn> damn, go to work on /what/?
<StanXhiao> He was a gyno.
<StanXhiao> Charged women five times as much as he charged men.
<SeanQ> would that help him stay focused thru the day or something?
<kaufman> stan: that's the worst limerick I ever heard
<StanXhiao> It was a haiku
<StanXhiao> No, but he built a box to fit over his head, then had his wife crap on his face through the hole
<SeanQ> scrotum nailed to board / charged women five times as much / killed his wife one day
<SeanQ> a small plywood box / fit snugly over his head / "Wife, shit on my face!"
<spinn> worked day in, day out / what can I say, your honor? / splinters drove me nuts.
<mdxi> splinters driven into my nuts, more likely
<spinn> oh man, drove me nuts.
<spinn> extra bonus pun.
<SeanQ> it works on so many levels
<spinn> god, I love my brain
<spinn> I'd scoop it out and kiss it if it wouldn't kill me
<kaufman> Gyno Bob Vila / charge by the X-chromosome / face box full of poop
<StanXhiao> There was a gyno named Zak/who nailed some wood to his sac/Then his wife crapped the bed/Instead of his head/So he shot her in front and in back
<LJatwork> I'd have been happy / If I had nailed my patients / as my balls were nailed.
<StanXhiao> That has a certain serenity, LJ
<LJatwork> thanks
<SeanQ> it perfectly captures the wistful ennui of the homocidal scat-freak
<mdxi> much closer to the spirit of haiku than most :)
<LJatwork> Balls and balsa wood / The pain rips right through my groin / Miss, you have herpes.

<MisterQ> I just had a cool thought. What if H. R. Geiger designed the Telletubbies?
<DocEvil> Heres another cool tought. What DOES freak out Giger?
<TheEnigma> Kittens.
<TheEnigma> Anything normal as hell.
<MisterQ> The telletubbies, probably
<TheEnigma> Puppies.
<DocEvil> Id like to draw something that would make GIGER himself go "Holy Jesus BATFUCK!!! EEeeeeyaaah!!!"
<MisterQ> Actually opening his eyes and seing what he drew?
<DocEvil> Any FC
<DocEvil> Those Goddamn "Precious Moments" figurines
<MisterQ> Yea, we need Precious Geiger Moments!
<DocEvil> "God is lo-*GEEEEYAAAAHH!!!* as a giant ribbed penis bursts from the kids chest
<TheEnigma> Aieeeemmmm.
<shawn-> can't...stop....laughing
<TheEnigma> I'm going to go stab out my eyes now, k?
<TheEnigma> Back in a jiffy!
<DocEvil> "Lil Sis's first Transmorgification"
<DocEvil> ALien Jaw toungues popping outta her eyes
<TheEnigma> eyrs syabbef oud noe
<MisterQ> "John and Mary and a lot of leather, chains, and prehensile vaginas"
<shawn-> and the three wise men, beating off mercilessly
<MisterQ> But how will you desensify yourself, Enigma?
<MisterQ> Baby Jesus bursting out of The virgin Mary's stomach: "Unessesary Sesection"
<DocEvil> A little boy playing with his puppy near an opening Face hugger egg
<TheEnigma> Whee.
<TheEnigma> My eyes have miraculoudly returned.
<TheEnigma> But not completely.
<TheEnigma> As is evidenced by my typo.
<MisterQ> A little boy going "puppy? puppy?" When a queen alien slowly descends behind him.
<DocEvil> A bunch of PM kids dressed up like Space Marines titled "Game Over, Man!"
<MisterQ> I'd buy that! for a dollar!
<shawn-> a torn-in-half Cute Litle Bishop trying not to get sucked through the airlock
<DocEvil> Another one of a PM Space Marines looking puzzled titled "Whats with my proximity sensor?"
<DocEvil> And of course "Get away from her, you BITCH!!!"
<MisterQ> With a PM Ripley
<DocEvil> A PM Vasquez giving the finger titled "Fuck you, Pendejo!"
<DocEvil> Im a little TOO good at this!
<MisterQ> How about PM Pinhead with cute chains ripping apart other cute but terrified PM characters.
<DocEvil> McFarlane could do that
<DocEvil> Precious Hellraiser
<shawn-> how about PM John Holmes anally penetrating PM Ginger Lynn while PM Candi Samples sucks his balls?
<TheEnigma> I...er....
<TheEnigma> I'm sorry I missed some of that.
<TheEnigma> Um.
<TheEnigma> No?
<MisterQ> PM OJ Simpson with bloddy knife and cute corpses?
<DocEvil> You could title your PM Hellraiser disply "Wheres your preciuos Jesus NOW?!?"
<DocEvil> god forgive me for that
*** TheEnigma is now known as [God]
<MisterQ> he's probably laughing away
<[God]> I FORGIVE YOU, SON.
*** [God] is now known as TheEnigma
<TheEnigma> God forgive ME for THAT.
<DocEvil> I just racked up three weeks in Purgatory for that one
<shawn-> YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!
*** MisterQ is now known as _GOD_
<TheEnigma> I have no idea how much time *I* racked up there.
<_GOD_> Forgiveness for some, minuature american flags for others!
*** _GOD_ is now known as MisterQ

<Da_Raven> My dad taught me the fine art of "Get the hell off my grass!" children management.
<sol-D> well, that doesn't do much good when they have the bloody stick you beat them with as eviudence
<sol-D> but the good thing about wandering droves of feral children...
<sol-D> is that if anything happens, you can blame them..."Damn kids must have dug that gaping hole in the yard and filled it with broken glass..."
<Da_Raven> Kids are like that...
<wabewalkr> I would have done that as a child.

<MisterQ> Ahh, there's your problem T-Robb. Boo Berry cerial is chock full of ghosts!
<TheEnigma> My God! It's full of ghosts!
<TMRoach> That happened to be an interesting bit on a mythology page.
<TitanRobb> well, dead souls have to go somewhere.
<TMRoach> I rebuke thee, Boo-Berry, in the name of Christ our Savior! BEGONE!
<MisterQ> Instead of snap, crackle, pops, your cerial emmitted unearthly groans!
<kaufman> New from Kellog's: ExorCrisp!
<TitanRobb> There is no hell; only General Mills.
<TMRoach> Send in box-tops for free Ouija boards and Baphomet amulets!
<TitanRobb> Grandpa Keane in every 10th box!
<MisterQ> Everything tastes better with two scoops of ectoplasm!
<TheEnigma> Coming soon - new tortured-soul shaped marshmallows!
<TheEnigma> Mmmmm....tortured souls.....
<MisterQ> Now with artificial wraith flavor!
<kaufman> Always after me spooky charms
<TitanRobb> they're tragically delicious!
<TMRoach> They've signed an endorsement deal with Astaroth to do the box.
<TheEnigma> Kellogg's Cereal Of the Damned - Now With Strawberry Bits!
<MisterQ> 4 out of 5 Grand Lichs prefer 'Boo Berry'
<mdxi> Wraith Tested, Necromancer Approved
<TheEnigma> Soul delicious you'll just die!
<TMRoach> What did the fifth prefer?
<kaufman> Cocoathulhus: You won't be wondering if *this* cereal's good for your children.
<TMRoach> My money says that he clamped down on the interveiwer's cartoid artery and sucked it like the antidote was in it.
<MisterQ> The fifth prefered the agonizing torment of lost souls, or as we call it, Frosted Flakes
<TheEnigma> The Cereal That Is Not To Be Named - Shhhh.....It Might Hear You.
<TitanRobb> two scoops of raisin' souls in every box
<kaufman> snap, crackle, hast... aiiigggghhh!
<MisterQ> Actually, the fifth preferred the taste of 'Archduke Chocula'
<MisterQ> Cuthulu Pops: It's Horrifically Delicious!
<kaufman> _Death_: Mikey likes it!
<MisterQ> Err.. I mean He LIKED it!
<TheEnigma> _Death_: We're so sure that you'll love our cereal, that we guarantee your money back if not completely satasfied....provided you can crawl out of the grave, of course.
<mdxi> Special K(thulu)-Keep the evil, lose your soul
<TMRoach> Chock-full of tentacl-y goodness!
<kaufman> Cuckoo for Cthulhu Puffs! Cuckoo for Cthulhu Puffs!
<MisterQ> You have to make an insanity roll NOT to rush out and buy all the packages you can!
<TitanRobb> Fright Loops?
<mdxi> Hellsbury Toaster Streudels "THEY'RE IN YOUR MORTICIAN'S FREEZER!"
<wabewalkr> Golden PentaGrahms?

<zompist> "Dear sirs. Cthulhu says that homosexuality is NOT a sin!"
<TMR> Cthulhu will penetrate you like a anime schoolgirl!
<TheEnigma> "However, resistance IS a sin. So is not looking directly at his horrifying visage."
<zompist> "We would like to arrange a boxin match between your man Jesus and our god Thor."
<TMR> "Afterwards, a drinking match between Jesus and Dionysus."
<TheEnigma> "Then, arm-wrestling between Jesus and Nagor, the Arm God."
<TMR> "...Bull-riding, with Moloch..."
<MisterQ> ...cat fighting with Isis
<TheEnigma> And then, little fairy cakes. Served with tea.
<TheEnigma> And afterwards.....fisticuffs!
<zompist> "...a fertility contest between astarte and the holy spirit..."
<TMR> With Hercules!
<mdxi> followed by a best-of-three Resurrection Marathon with Osiris
<TheEnigma> All for $39.95 on Pay-Per-View!
<TheEnigma> ORDER NOW!
<mdxi> The 1999 Nike (the REAL Nike, mind you) IronGod Competition
<zompist> $59.95 for the director's cut, with hot japanese schoolgirl cthulhu-penetration action.
<TMR> That's what I'm ordering.
<TheEnigma> No thanks. 'Cause if it doesn't involve Shub-Niggurath, it's not really quality.
<mdxi> the DVD has an easter egg hidden on the credits page where Ishtar and Mary MAgalene have a strip-off

<zompist> mmm, peach cobbler with insufficient sugar.
<zompist> this is one of those new age recipes that believes that the natural sugars in fruit are all you need.
<zompist> they're not.
<TMR> You need ARTIFICIAL sugars!
<TMR> Sugars made from the elements in the Periodic Table that weren't there last year!
<TheEnigma> Sugarium!
* TMR hands zompist a sample of sugarium in a lead cylinder
* zompist adds some to his peach cobbler.
<mdxi> Kelloggs Glucose Buckyballs - the Engineered Cereal
<zompist> mm, needs sugar.
<zompist> where's the chocolate frosted sugar bombs?
<TMR> It turns your milk solid!
<MisterQ> Now with more scientifically engineered marshmellow like substances.
<zompist> approved by the atf as "nearly food"!
<mdxi> and a Class 3 weapon
<MisterQ> Do not taunt Kelloggs Glucose Buckyballs!

<TMR> Oh, and the Dollar Store.
<TMR> Hey! Big Lots!
<TMR> I actually got some really good Arabic cornflakes there.
<MisterQ> Oh look, Cletus, 99 cent fine plastic silverware
<TMR> Nestle Country Flakes.
<TMR> And here's the kicker...
<TheEnigma> There's a kicker?
<TheEnigma> I don't want there to be a kicker.
<TMR> Bible Bread brand unleavened bread. If I'm lying, I'm dying.
<TMR> On the box, "The Original Fast Food!"
<Elkman> Like the kind of food you'd eat when fasting?
<MisterQ> And of course, the full spectrum of GOYA products.
<TMR> Came in Honey, Garlic, and a couple of other flavors.
<TheEnigma> Manna.
<TMR> Mm! Bug crap.
<TheEnigma> Frankencense.
<mdxi> Moses Nut Clusters
<TheEnigma> Mmmm....LOCUST!
<MisterQ> Mmmm.... Stigmata flavor
<TheEnigma> Fatted Calf! Yum!
<mdxi> Swanson's Hungry Man Last Supper
<TMR> What else... Oh, there was Ho brand Oatmeal.
<TMR> Now, how many ho's do you know that make oatmeal?
<TheEnigma> We have Topless brand celery; T&A brand lettuce.
<MisterQ> Those wacky Ho's. What will they do next?
<MisterQ> And of course, imitation cheese.
<TMR> And Vermont Maple Ale.
<TMR> Maple syrup soda. As bad as it sounds.
<TheEnigma> It'd have to be.
<mdxi> worse than Nehi Blue Creme Soda?
<TheEnigma> Nehi BLUE CREME soda?
<TheEnigma> WHAT?
<TheEnigma> I'm still on that name.
<TheEnigma> BLUE CREME?
<TheEnigma> That's just BAD.
<mdxi> heh...it's creme soda (bad enough in itself) but it is otter-pop blue instead of sort-of-amber
<TheEnigma> Why?
<mdxi> i don't know why
<TheEnigma> Did the public demand it?
<MisterQ> Melted smurf blue?
<TMR> We Want Blue Creme Soda!
<TheEnigma> "Man, this is okay soda....but I bet it would kick ass if, oh, I don't know....if it were an unnatural shade of blue."
<TMR> That's one kickass Blue Nehi Creme!
<mdxi> i had a Girlfriend From Hell who was addicted to it...
<TheEnigma> Nehi hears the public's demands. Nehi responds.
<TMR> Millions of smurfs die, including... PAPA SMURF!
<TheEnigma> Too bad.
<TMR> Smurfette lives on.
<MisterQ> Lays hundreds of egg sacks
<MisterQ> in Nehi Blue Cola cans
<mdxi> PAPA SMURF ~ 1980-1999 ~ "We're There Now, My Little Smurflings"
* Elkman lowers the flag to half staff.
<TheEnigma> Nehi Blue Creme Soda, not Blue Cola.
<TheEnigma> It's an atrocity, which means that you must get it right.
<TMR> Nehi Blue Cola is some godAWFUL shit.
<TheEnigma> BLUE CREME SODA
<TheEnigma> Get it RIGHT
<MisterQ> Ewww.. what if they made blue cola?
<TheEnigma> Aberrations of Nature DEMAND to be called by their One True Name.
<MisterQ> No, we must not call them by their true names lest they come and haunt us!
<TMR> But what if we summon a case of the stuff?
<TMR> Nehi Blue Creme the Unspeakable!

<Mr_Ben> I'd like to know whose bright idea it was to name that place "Intercourse, Pennsylvania".
<TMR> Those naughty amish!
<kaufman> right by Paradise & Blue Ball
<Samwise> i think the Amish snicker a lot.
<TMR> "Hast thou been through Blue Ball? *snicker*"
<Mr_Ben> The Amish sin more than us regular folks, I betcha.
<Samwise> Here, have some of our homemake *snicker* cheese...
<kaufman> It's a Dysfunctional Lancaster
<TMR> Not to mention those Amish cocaine dealers...
<TMR> I heard they raised a barn in, oh, 5 minutes.
<kaufman> teenagers on rampages overturning buggies
<Mr_Ben> And then they paint graffiti with a small brush and paint.
<Samwise> Drivebys lose some of their effect when you're on a horse-drawn carrieage.
<Mr_Ben> And those ancient guns you have to stuff gunpowder down the barrel with a rod.
<TMR> *clip clop clip clop* *BANG* *BANG* *Whi-kssh!* *gallop gallop*
<sol-D> amish drive by?
<Mr_Ben> "Reload already, Aaron!"
<kaufman> and those Amish West Virginians are weird, what with their dead horses up on blocks in the front yard.

<Da_Raven> ~10,000 lines of <spinn> in my log.
<wabewalkr> You take one down, toss it around.... ~9,999 lines of <spinn> in my log...
<TheEnigma> ~9,999 lines of <spinn> in my log, ~9,999 lines of <spinn>.....
<Trainman> If one of those lines gets lost in a fog, ~9,998 lines of <spinn> in my log.
<TMR> ~9,998 logs of fag.... oh shit.
<TheEnigma> I was trying to avoid the "log of fag" thing.
<wabewalkr> If one of those lines sinks in a bog, ~9,997 lines of <spinn> in my log.
<sol-D> If one of those lines is fucked by a dog...er, no...
<TMR> If one of those lines gets eaten by dogs...
<TheEnigma> If one of those lines is abducted by Zog, ~9,996 lines of <spinn> in my log.
<wabewalkr> If one of those lines is crushed by Boss Hogg, ~9,995 lines of <spinn> in my log.
<TMR> If one of those lines is caught flogging the hog, ~9,994...
<sol-D> if one of those lines vacations in prauge...
<TheEnigma> If one of those lines is torn into tiny shreds by a velociraptor and strwen about on the lawn to fester and decay in the hot noonday sun, ~9,993 lines of <spinn> in my log.
<wabewalkr> If one of those lines goes blotto on grog...
<TMR> if one of those lines does not like to snog...
<TheEnigma> If one of those lines goes out for a jog....

<Da_Raven> Damn, why aren't men ever trying to steal me?
<TheEnigma> I'm glad that men don't try to steal me, quite frankly.
<Da_Raven> Well, actually, I have other, pickier criteria.
<maime> I think it would depend entirely on the man doing the stealing. But its already established that I've read too many romance novels.
<Da_Raven> But I'd appreciate the attempt. :)
<wabewalkr> Like breathing?
<TheEnigma> Breathing is good criteria.
<TheEnigma> So is having skin.
<maime> Like no hideous rashes.
<zompist> no open sores?
<TheEnigma> Lungs tend to be a plus.
* Da_Raven hmphs.
<TheEnigma> Can they be freely oozing pus?
<zompist> so, maime, you're looking for a man with long, wild hair, deep burning eyes, and a half-open shirt blowing in the wind?
<maime> No... I'm looking for a man who can mow the yard and brush his teeth.
<TheEnigma> At the same time?
<Da_Raven> Jinx.
<maime> No, but the same day would be okay.
<zompist> once a week on both?
<maime> I could live with that.
<maime> The brushing could happen a little more often.
<wabewalkr> Well, that leaves me out. I can't go near yardwork without changing into my secret identity, Captain Phlegm.
<maime> But I don't want to get too picky.
<TheEnigma> But what if he COULD do them at the same time?
<maime> would I have to buy him a riding lawn mower?
<zompist> i mow all the lawn we have, uh, daily.
<Da_Raven> I think young children should be paid to do such things.
<zompist> three, four.
<wabewalkr> Good reason to have kids.
<Da_Raven> Heh.
<zompist> helps weed out the tykes that are too slow or aren't good with machines, too.
<maime> My Aunt has a crush on Bob Villa.
<wabewalkr> "Little Timmy just got sucked into the weed whacker!"

Samwise: I'm all depressed.
LadyJeigh: I'm all undressed
Samwise: That usually takes care of it. Nudity loves company
zompist: no wonder you were able to so easily count your nipples, before.
LadyJeigh: no, at that moment i was dressed
LadyJeigh: and I've done the inventory before
Samwise: Oh...guess it was a lucky guess.
Samwise: So, in some weird way, we just talked to someone who was stripping at the time.
LadyJeigh: yup
Samwise: I feel so naughty.
zompist: you'd feel naughtier if you were naked, now wouldn't you?
LadyJeigh licks her fangs provocatively
zompist: (does ladyj eat hobbits?)
LadyJeigh: I ate Pepin yesterday
Samwise: Ack! No, we hobbitses are frightfully bad for you...plus we take hours to cook properly.
LadyJeigh has the patience
LadyJeigh: Gollum gave me a great recipe for hobbitses
zompist: soylent hairy is hobbits! it's hobbits!
Samwise: Go trip your nutsack.
Samwise puts his hand on Sting's hilt and hides...
zompist: i hear if you cook hobbits in clay, the hair comes off easily.
zompist: works for chickens, too.
Samwise: Ack! No, it's tougher than steel wool
LadyJeigh: no, leave the pelts intact
zompist: yes, all the housewives in mordor know that.
Samwise: OK, Gandalf is supposed to show up anytime now to save my bacon.
LadyJeigh: Gandalf's at a convention
zompist: we have a good bacon recipe too.
Samwise: *gulp*
LadyJeigh: hobbitses with bacon
LadyJeigh: yum
Samwise puts on the Another Ring
zompist: uh, sam, that makes you invisible to some, and visible to others, if you get my drift.
Samwise: Well, actually, this is the Another Ring...which isn't quite as good as the One Ring...
Samwise: ...no one can taste me now. :)
zompist: that'd make a good topic line.
Samwise: oops.
zompist: so, sam, still depressed?

DMLaenker just saw a Roger Moore special
DMLaenker: Every time I hear him, it shakes me up, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or no.
wabewalkr: In what way?
DMLaenker: I don't know. It seems a slightly humorous revolution.
DMLaenker: I mean, I like what he believes, but I don't know how he wants the issue of the balance of wealth he constantly addresses resolved.
DMLaenker: Have you ever seen "The Awful Truth"?
wabewalkr: Sounds familiar.
DMLaenker: The one with the Sodomobile?
wabewalkr: No, I'd remember that.
DMLaenker: That was rather jarring.
DMLaenker: They were trying to get a group of homophobic funeral-protesters to just give up, and it was sick the way they still tried to carry on.
DMLaenker: Eventually they gave up, but still...
wabewalkr: Roger Moore? You mean Michael Moore!
DMLaenker: Damn it!
wabewalkr: Wow, brain went into overload trying to process that one!
DMLaenker: WHY AM I SO *BAD* WITH NAMES?
DMLaenker shrinks into hole
DMLaenker: At least I didn't say DUDLEY Moore.

* LadyJ picks spinn's lap for a seat this time
<spinn> okay, uh
<spinn> "watch out for my huge boner!"
<spinn> that good?
<LadyJ> wahahaha
<SeanQ> "let's talk about the first thing that pops up!"
<LadyJ> spinn's such a geek
<LadyJ> he has a chick in his lap and all he does is try to type around her :P
<LadyJ> "oh, boner? I didn't notice"
* LadyJ gets up and goes back to ken's lap, where the climate is nicer
<spinn> flirting with me only works if I'm in the mood for it
<spinn> which I'm not
<spinn> hm
<LadyJ> fear not, I've stopped.
...
<spinn> man
<spinn> my stocks continue to go up
<spinn> $173 today
<SeanQ> drinks are on spinn!
<kaufman> LadyJ is on me!

<SeanQ> spinn: did Rob find that Bible quote for you?
<spinn> no, I wrote it myself
<spinn> the "sin of presumption" was kinda a riff on "soultaker" from mst
<SeanQ> oh, it's made up? i thought maybe Johnny Hart gave you a tip
<spinn> "smate"?
<spinn> is that even a word?
<spinn> I should change that to "nelson 3:14"
<SeanQ> to King James, it probably is
<kaufman> should probably be smote
<shiftkick> smoted? ;)
<kaufman> smute, umlaut on the u for pluperfect subjunctive
<SeanQ> i didn't look too close at the attrib: you were trying for an "Austin 3:16" thing?
<spinn> I wanted it to be a wrong word on purpose
<SeanQ> smoot?
<spinn> no, I just picked something at random
<shiftkick> smaut perhaps? :)
<kaufman> This is my handle, this is my smout
<SeanQ> "And the Lord did open up his can of Whoop-Ass, and verily came he down and smate the web-site, and he saw that it was good."
<kaufman> Schmaut (Sigfried 2:21)
<kaufman> I shall cast thee unto the Zone of Impossibility!
<SeanQ> "For forty days and noghts did randy lead them thru the Zone of Impossibility"
<SeanQ> "and whence they did try and escape the poop held them wher they were"
<SeanQ> speaking of the Bible, did anyone read Heath's review?
<kaufman> Hearken unto thy Commandments, lest thou trippest thy nutsak.
<SeanQ> "The hot Hispanic hero of the second half" Bwahahaha!!
<kaufman> Heath was naughty.
<shiftkick> and partake not of soylent green...
<kaufman> Be wary of the psychic frond; it bideth, but its time will come in The Last Days.
<SeanQ> heath's review was under the subject "Spreading the subversion"
<kaufman> Lo, I looked upon the hair, reminiscent of the Forbidden Flesh, and but for the Holy Spirit, would I have been entranced until the End of Days.
<shiftkick> in the beginning there was the word, and the word was p'sghetti...

<wabewalkr> "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into congregation of the LORD.
<wabewalkr> In other words, if you damage your testicles, you can't go to heaven. Period.
<wabewalkr> Even if IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
<Da_Raven> And you'd think they'd suffered enough....
<zompist> to be fair, it doesn't say heaven. but that one does seem unaccountable.
<wabewalkr> "...congregation of the LORD" is taken to mean heaven, as it is used other places in that context.
<zompist> really? hm, but that's OT, isn't it? they didn't have a really firm concept of heaven at that time.
<Da_Raven> The "the NT supercedes the OT" arguement always amused me. As if God screwed up the first time around and got a do-over with Jesus...
<wabewalkr> Still, it's cold. "Whoops, nasty accident there, Samuel. Can't go see God now. He likes his men... intact."
<wabewalkr> So really, all I need to do is kick a fundie in the nuts, and say: "Sorry, pal. You ain't gonna ever meet God now."
* Da_Raven LAUGHS!
<Da_Raven> I think that's my new .sig file....
* wabewalkr chuckles.
<zompist> don't forget to quote the original verse...
<wabewalkr> Hold a sec... I'll get the passage number
<wabewalkr> Deuteronomy 23:1-2
<wabewalkr> I'd love to be in someone's .sig... it would mean I've finally made it as a 'net personality. (Sorry, inside joke there.)
<zompist> i'm skimming deuteronomy here... see, all this is the fault of some -17C obsessive-compulsive with a sex hangup.
<wabewalkr> -17C?
<zompist> 17th century b.c.
<zompist> jeez, try deut. 25:11-12. nasty.
<wabewalkr> I don't have a full bible here... is that mixing of cloth?
<zompist> "If two men, a man and his countrymen, are struggling together,
<zompist> "and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him,
<zompist> "and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals,
<zompist> "then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity."
<Da_Raven> That one falls under the "Who in the hell made that law necessary?" category.
<wabewalkr> I'm reading about God saying it's OK to drive nails through the ears of slaves.
<Da_Raven> "If anyone loses the hair from his head, he is bald but he is clean." :) What a relief to the Rogaine crowd...
<zompist> on the other hand, nocturnal emissions are trouble.
<wabewalkr> I'm still trying to figure out why God felt it necessary to explain that it is important to bury feces.
<Da_Raven> Geez, Leviticus 15 is entirely about sexual diseases or 'activities'.
<zompist> it must have sucked to be a woman back then. for a week out of every month you were treated like a disease.
<wabewalkr> Kings 15 seems to be obsessed with people who urinate, er, pisseth against the wall.
<zompist> good biblical word, "pisseth".
<wabewalkr> What's hebrew for 'urinates'?
<zompist> 'shathan'.
<wabewalkr> I think in the history of man, that question has never been asked.
<wabewalkr> Psalm 137:9 -- Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the rock!
<wabewalkr> Throw that one at the anti-abortionists, eh?
<Da_Raven> "A man shall not marry his father's wife." B.C. Jerry Springer Show...

<wabewalkr> I only read romance novels if they have lurid passages.
<zompist> i hear they get pretty lurid these days.
<maime> These were fairly steamy.
<maime> I wouldn't go so far as lurid.
<wabewalkr> The question is, was there mention of oral sex? I consider it lurid only if there's oral sex.
<wabewalkr> (Man, what's in this wine?)
<Da_Raven> Gabaldon has some good scenes. Oral sex, too.
<maime> There's always oral sex.
<maime> You just have to translate.
<zompist> of both varieties?
<Da_Raven> Yep.
<maime> not usually both varieties.
<wabewalkr> Male on female, yes, but not the other.
<maime> Oh well its been awhile since I've read any.
<maime> Right.
<zompist> historically, oral sex was considered a terrible perversion.
<Da_Raven> For some reason, the heroine managed to find the only sexually-enlightened man in the 18th century.
<zompist> not hard to understand given people's hygiene habits in the past.
<wabewalkr> They always do.
<maime> Well in this one it was because he'd been to China and India.
<maime> He even had a statue of Kali.
<wabewalkr> Why doesn't anyone ever have syphillis in those stories?
<wabewalkr> Was there any interracial sex?
<maime> Because that isn't very romantic.
<maime> No they were the same race.
* wabewalkr giggles at the sheer silliness of that statement.
<zompist> i don't think there's a lot of porn films that focus on getting the clap, either.
<wabewalkr> But they're supposed to be "historically accurate."
<maime> In my other channel whenever this starts we call it the "hall of shame"

[After checking out the aforementioned site..]

<Da_Raven> "Jesus Christ!" Yeah, he's the Man of the 20th Century....
<maime> Yeah cause Jesus is from THIS century
<spinn> well, he's appeared in enough paint cans and door panels recently
<maime> But he's still got ten months to come back.
<zompist> so has the little dutch boy, how's he running
<spinn> you don't hear much about miraculous dutch boy appearances
<zompist> he hasn't got much of a press agent.
<maime> Didn't the dutch boy piss and put out a fire?
<spinn> no, you're thinking of little jack horner. he pissed in a pie and made blackbirds come out.
<wabewalkr> Did that statement even deserve correcting?
<zompist> maime, you may be thinking of the mascot of brussles-- the pissing boy.
<maime> Hey I was trying to help the dutch boy. I mean he's up against Jesus here.
<Da_Raven> Jesus who? Ramirez?
<Da_Raven> They can't even get the millenium right...
<spinn> what's the equivalent?
<Da_Raven> I'd vote for the little dutch boy, if for no other reason than to spur on DFC finger/dyke captions...
<maime> Well I was thinking of the guy who used to work at Structure. He used to ask everyone "Do you like my physique?"
<wabewalkr> Just whom did he ask?
<maime> Mostly everyone who worked there.
<zompist> did you tell him "No"?
<Da_Raven> He's a dutch boy?
<zompist> he's a dyke?
<maime> No I think he was Hispanic.
<spinn> sheese
<Da_Raven> Oh, Jesus the Dutch Boy.
<maime> No he was a fag

<maime> about him shooting gay rays at you?
<spinn> THAT BASTARD
<spinn> TOLD YOU
<maime> Well that's what they all do.
* Da_Raven laughs! Stop that! The cats look at me funny when I laugh aloud....
<maime> THen they dye your hair
<maime> and redecorate your house.
<wabewalkr> And teach you how to dress...
<Da_Raven> What, cats?
<wabewalkr> Cats do that too.
<maime> cats are gay?
<wabewalkr> My cat has redecorated my apartment with fur and shredded newspaper.
<zompist> CHARLES SCHITZ IS ANTI-CAT
<maime> My cat is ruining the sofa because he hates it.
<maime> I knew it.
<spinn> damn
<Da_Raven> My cats are no longer equipped to do so.
<spinn> we're not talking about me anymore?
<spinn> what the fuck?

<RoJo> I just saw a new Walmart commercial on TV. It was done in sign language.
<RoJo> What's next...braille?
<RoJo> that was the first commercial I have seen that targets (no Target pun intended) a specific impairment.
<Da_Raven> you must have missed the wheelchair greeter. And the mentally retarded greeter...
<RoJo> I suppose they want to be the PC store.
<RoJo> I wonder where it will end...will they have a dyslexic commercial? Welcome to Martwal
<RoJo> Let's see...two pencils and a pad of paper, that will be $23.10
<Photon3> I try to walk in at the same time as other people to avoid being greeted
<Da_Raven> Then it'll be manic-depressives.... Paranoiacs...
<RoJo> Yeah, a fire sale at WAlmart
<RoJo> for pyros
<Da_Raven> A commercial with a twitchy guy manning the gun counter....
<RoJo> yeah, probably a postal worker
<Da_Raven> Mr. DeMartino's summer job. :)
<RoJo> "There's a blue-light special on Prozac on aisle five...no wait, that's Kmart
<Da_Raven> At walmart it's 'falling prices'.
<RoJo> It's suicide day at walmart...with specials on razor blades and knives!
<RoJo> the customers are just dying to get in
<RoJo> they're slashing prices
<RoJo> there's a red floor special on aisle two
<Da_Raven> Eeeewwww.
<RoJo> sorry...I got carried away...by the fantastic deals at Walmart!
<RoJo> I wonder if they will have a commercial for Terrret's (sp?) syndrome
<RoJo> thanks for shopping at BASTARD Walmart
<Da_Raven> "I like to FUCKIT give everyone a MOTHERFUCKER smile when they come COCKSUCKER in.
<RoJo> That could only been shown on FOX
<RoJo> Hi, this is 60 minutes with SHIT SHIT FUCK DAMN Andy Rooney
<Da_Raven> Well, that's not fair... *Everyone* thinks that when you mention Andy Rooney...
<Da_Raven> Hahah! Narcolepsy. "At Walmart, we have....zzzzzzzzz ...whuh? um, low, low prices every day."

<Da_Raven> Hey, Google ranks you #1 for the word 'nipple'
<spinn> what?! are you serious?!
<Da_Raven> Erg. 'precious girlie nipple' actually gets 7 hits...
<Da_Raven> Yes, I'm on Google now.
<spinn> damn
<moon23> make me want to find religion
<wabewalkr> There's a "Magic 8-Nipple" out there... I'm tempted and frightened at the same time.
<Da_Raven> Hmmmmm, why is religioustolerance.org the first hit for 'spanking'?
<zompist> google's sites for "precious girlie nipples" are hilarious even in extract.
<zompist> ...of my girlie's enormous protuberances. I would suckle her nipples...
<zompist> ...teenager trying to maintain that ever precious virginity for my future...
<zompist> what woman wouldn't want to a) be called girlie, and b) have "enormous protuberances"?
<wabewalkr> I unfortunately know of more than one "girlie" who would be proud to have it known that she has "enormous protuberances."
<Da_Raven> That's a bit non-specific, though. Could be an extra limb or something.
<spinn> or like a goiter
<wabewalkr> My God, your forearm is HUGE!
<wabewalkr> A tumor.
<Da_Raven> Jesus, they have a site myfirsttime.com. How fucking depressing. 13 year old girls should not be telling the Web about the creepy 20 yr old men who took their virginity

<DodgeDart> fwoint!
<nutsak> fwoint? what sound is that?
<nutsak> it could be a dart hitting something...fwoint
<DMLaenker> "Fwoint" is somebody on "Wacky", I think.
<Da_Raven> I was thinking fwoint! was a relative of f-f-f-funt!
<wabewalkr> "Fwoint" WAS on wacky, but I cannot for the life of me remember where.
<nutsak> My ass has powers...*f-f-f-funt*!
<DodgeDart> that's where i got "fwoint!" from
<spinn> the way I do it, you have to do some sucking on the "fw".
<Da_Raven> Isn't 'sucking on the "fw"' illegal in 15 states?
<nutsak> not as long as it's with your spouse
<DodgeDart> it is in indiana, but not enforced
<DodgeDart> it's legal in hawaii i think.
<nutsak> not while on an active volcano, though
* DodgeDart sucks on the "fw"
<wabewalkr> Tasty, eh?
<nutsak> stop that...you'll go blind!
<DodgeDart> succulent!

<TheEnigma> Good morning.....
<kaufman> Or brand new afternoon where I am
<TheEnigma> I was hoping to wake up to an updated DFC, but hey. We can't always get what we want.
<TheEnigma> Where are you?
<kaufman> Near Washington DC
<kaufman> You?
<TheEnigma> South Carolina. But my clock says 11:57, so I guess it's still TECHNICALLY morning.
<kaufman> I'm reading 12:02, so I guess we can be safe and say good midday to each other.
<TheEnigma> This is true. So good afternoon.
<kaufman> Of course if we determine morning/afternoon by the position of the sun and hence disregard daylight savings time ...
* kaufman slaps himself
<TheEnigma> If we were doing that, we'd just be incredibly strange.
<TheEnigma> Beyond the point of any help.
<kaufman> We've already determined that. We're now just haggling over the degree :-)
<TheEnigma> This is true.
<TheEnigma> Well, let's not disregard Daylight Savings Time.
<TheEnigma> Because by the time we end the argument, it will be afternoon no matter WHAT we've disregarded.
<TheEnigma> And the point will then be moot.
<kaufman> until midnight.
<TheEnigma> Until 6 P.M.
<TheEnigma> At which point it will become "good evening."

Disclaimer : These are actual IRC transcripts. Some editing has been done, either by arranging lines slightly (so conversational blocks look coherent), by deleting irrelevant lines, or lumping multiple consecutive lines by the same author together. For one or two people who used multiple aliases, I picked their most common alias and used it throughout. The actual text and/or the intent of the text has remained untouched. If any of the participants chronicled below have issues, objections or comments, please drop me a line. [As of 4/26/99, the newest entries are tacked onto the top, instead of added to the bottom.