IRC Quotes : Page 4

SWHC



<spinn> I'm on the phone with my client, and his son who is apparently a designer
<spinn> KILL.
<spinn> ME.
<spinn> look, I typed that a whole two minutes ago and you HAVEN'T FUCKING KILLED ME YET
<spinn> STILL LIVING OVER HERE
* shil stabs spinn to death
<spinn> thanks! urk
* spinn dies
<Lore> Oh, I thought you needed ops to kill Spinn.
*** spinn is now known as spinn_ghost
<spinn_ghost> FUCK
<spinn_ghost> THEY'RE STILL TALKING TO ME
<Lore> Heh.
<spinn_ghost> TORMENT NEVERENDING
<Lore> Aren't YOU supposed to be haunting THEM?
<spinn_ghost> YOU'D THINK
<jacquilynne> I think you might have been better to have shil kill them.
<Lore> Good point.
<Lore> You really need to think these things out, O spectre.
<spinn_ghost> ooOOOOooooOOOOooo
<spinn_ghost> but I thought, man, dead 'n stuff
<spinn_ghost> shuffle off this mortal coil
<spinn_ghost> I'm astounded this headset is still on my head in fact
<Lore> If you ask me to kill my stepfather, well.
<Lore> No dice, ghosty.
<Lore> Unless there's something in it for me, you dig?
<spinn_ghost> WHERE'S THAT FUCKING SMIRKY VENCKMAN
<spinn_ghost> no, wait, then I'd have to deal with slimer
<spinn_ghost> scratch that


<Craig> alright, I'm kinda creeped out by our new fancy Ricoh copiers. They come out of sleep mode when you walk up to them.
<Kyol> Neat/
<Leth> *SHALL WE PLAY A GAME*
<CrazyClimber> "you are too close to this car! back away now!"
<agent_orange> you need to up the roofie dose so that .. uh ... never mind
<Craig> "What would you like to copy today, Employee # 4823-A3-93?"
<SeanQ> "This document appears to be the Waldorf Astoria cake recipe. Your pay will be deducted $.10 per copy."
<Samwise> "I'M SORRY DAVE. I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT. ... Hahaha, just kidding, Craig. I can't resist that joke. So, what can I do ya for today; some collated minutes of the last meeting, perhaps?"


<Brodie> Now, if everyone in the US was stoned, Bush would be able to sell "Terrorists are evil. Saddam is evil. Let's get Saddam" more easily.
<CrazyClimber> he's also be able to sell potato chips and cheetos more easily.
<Leth> we could invade whatever country Frito-Lay is from, and subjugate them to our muchies way!
<zompist> o/~ hail, hail fritonia... o/~
<antihero> But then you'd get a terrible schism from the loyalists, forced to create Cheetonia
<Samwise> Now now... there's room for the Cheese Party in Fritonia.


<Brodie> Now, if everyone in the US was stoned, Bush would be able to sell "Terrorists are evil. Saddam is evil. Let's get Saddam" more easily.
<Samwise> Brodie: do you think that's the extent of any connection between saddam and terrorism?
<Brodie> Well, unless you just want to call everything bad "terrorism", yes.
<AliasN> "Becker" is terrorism?
<Samwise> You don't consider paying people to perform suicide bombings terrorism?
<CrazyClimber> well, sam, there's really no need to pay them
<tieboy> how do you pay people to kill themselves
<tieboy> what do they spend it on?
<antihero> tie: bactine and aloe vera
<Samwise> You give the money to their families.
<CrazyClimber> if only suicide bombers bought their supplies from acme, they'd be fine after the explosion
<Samwise> Yeah, and their targets would at least get some free bird seed.


<hockeyfag> Boi will be here tonight.. if I was thinking I would've grabbed afew things from the hospital for him..
<tieboy> like a psychiatrist?


<AliasN> But why would you choose something that makes people think it would be pronounced "mouse" then?
<Maus> Oh, it's my name.
<Maus> Last name. Didn't have much in the way of choice.
<Leth> maybe if you find the right guy, you can change it


<Kyol> I actually caught a 9/11 documentary and watched it. I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF.
* Craig 's TV will be turned off tomorrow night.
<Brodie> It has already begun.
<Brodie> Walter Cronkite weighed in.
<Kyol> But, on the plus side, it was National Geographic Explorer "In Their Words" or something - amateur/pro-am filmmakers films from 9/11. That wasn't half bad.
<CrazyClimber> maybe i'll watch animal planet, except i'm sure it'll be all the cute puppies and kittens whose lives were ruined when their owners died
<Brodie> 9/11: how did gerbils cope?
<Brodie> If the gerbils' lives chnge, then the terrorists have already won.
<Craig> they've GOT to keep running on their Wheels to Nowhere
<Brodie> There will be a minute's squeaky wheel silence tomorrow across every wood-chip lined cage across the great U S of A.
<Brodie> Oh wait-- we're not being sufficiently mawkish and sentimental about our nation's Time of Crisis Anniversary War Attack Moment Event.


<zompist> maybe it'll be more amusing if you imagine everyone in it naked
<Craig> No, Zomp, that's for public speaking.
<Leth> or sex with Lots
<tieboy> hurk
<Craig> there goes Tie's cerberal cortex


<CrazyClimber> gah
<CrazyClimber> some of the people on the local foodie message board are getting together at 8 am sunday to have sweetbread tacos at an open-air flea market
<tieboy> man. wouldn't it be satisfying to watch some riot police just beat the shit out of them?
<CrazyClimber> that sentence is a whole checklist of reasons *not* to be there
<Samwise> sw...sweetbread tacos?
<Leth> mmm....zombies
<tieboy> at 8am
<Craig> yum, guts in tortillas
<Craig> at 8 am
<Leth> nonono
<Leth> not just guts
<CrazyClimber> well, they actually do mention tripe too
<Leth> BRRRRAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNSSSSSSSSS
<Samwise> Does anyone know what sweetbread tacos are?
<Craig> "Here, have some disgusting part of some big, stupid, stinky mammal that we can't, legally, put in Puppy Chow. Salsa?"


<spinn> oh here it is. http://www.spinnwebe.com/temp/me_n_dad.jpg
<Leth> <click><drag><poit>
<Samwise> "You know, son, they do make clothes in colors besides black."
<SeanQ> you guys look like Batman and Alfred out sightseeing
<Craig> that is one SWEET hat, though.
<SeanQ> "Sir, if you refuse to wear the mask, you really should consider leaving the cape at home..."
<Craig> you need to IADL that.
<SeanQ> make that pic IADL#1
<SeanQ> man, I hope I live long enough to wear a hat like that
<Samwise> "Say... aren't you not supposed to be able to cross water?"
<tieboy> "Now, don't you go bitin' the head off that pigeon."
<Craig> but, daaaaaaaddd....
<Hockeyfag> you do look sinister in that picture
<spinn> yeah, it's all coat
<spinn> well, that and the eye
<spinn> man I can't wait for coat weather again


<Freyja> from the apocalyptic storm outside, it looks like Florida is about to get blown off the face of the earth.
<Kyol> Well sure, y'all can't figure out how to vote... _twice_.
<Freyja> we've angered the wrathful God of Democracy?


*** aFnUtDi is now known as antihero
<mdxi> "aFnUtDi" reads a whole lot like "AF Nudity". i thought maybe dodge had come back to show us all...something we never, ever wanted to see
<zompist> jeez. dodge nude would be about the size of a puppy
<Kyol> puppy? Guppy.
<spinn> Guppy? Asshat.
<CrazyClimber> Asshat? Assclown.
<antihero> Assclown? Ouchy the Clown.
<Kyol> bzzzzzzt.


<zompist> whee!
<Drusilla> this will end in tears.
<zompist> and bloodsheed! yes!
<raven> and molasses cookies!
<Drusilla> no, it's starting with the cookies
<Drusilla> the blood will come when we're down to the last one
* wabewalkr starts hoarding "Fig Newtons."
<agent_orange> I can fit *twelve* mallomars up my mud tunnel!
<Down10> I glad you didn't quit after ten. That shows commitment.
<raven> pffff. You've been letting your training slide, haven't you, agt?
* Drusilla coughs up a mallomar
<wabewalkr> Well, that probably came out easier than agto's.
<agent_orange> I meant boxes
<agent_orange> the scouts came by
<raven> ah, good. I was worried there for a moment.
<agent_orange> I got four sleeves of Mint Shits up there too
<raven> "Okay, girls! I'll buy as many boxes as you can shove up my ass! Go!"
<Drusilla> "moooooommmm!"
<zompist> i bet you can't fit an entire girl scout up there
<wabewalkr> You *do* have your proctologist on speed dial, don't you?
<agent_orange> BAM BAM BAM let's keep 'em coming, Scouts!
<raven> nah, as a girl scout, that wouldn't have fazed us a bit. Selling was really competative.
<Drusilla> true.
<Down10> So *that's* why they're called Brownies
<Drusilla> it's like the mafia
<Drusilla> but with cookies
<raven> "Whatever you say, sir. But we'll have to see the money up front."
<wabewalkr> So it's like hooking?
<Machival> it's like one of those cartoons with the snake where it eats bugs bunny and you can see his outline, only it's a girl scout girl popping out of agt's asscheek.
<zompist> girl scouts... hardened, jaded salespeople, driven by a fire beyond pity or understanding... they've seen it all, baby
<agent_orange> yeah, but they have their limit
<agent_orange> believe me, i know
<Drusilla> i wonder what the girl scout to avon/mary kay ratio is.
<wabewalkr> I bet it's pretty high.
<Drusilla> yeah, it seems like a natural progression.
<Drusilla> hmmm.
*** zompist changes topic to '<agent_orange> I meant boxes. the scouts came by'
<Drusilla> that has no overt mention of anal training
<Drusilla> how will the daytime people be properly horrified?
<zompist> they know agto
<wabewalkr> True, but it will still bring up the BMI for us.
<agent_orange> they're used to me
<Drusilla> i want overt horror, dammit.
<Drusilla> no pansy inferences.
<wabewalkr> Besides, they'll probably come up with something *worse*, if it involves agto and scouts.
*** agent_orange changes topic to '<agent_orange> I meant boxes. Drusilla came by'
<Drusilla> that's better.
<wabewalkr> Nah, the original topic brought to mind a nervous agto digging large holes in his basement, with sinister cardboard boxes in the background.


<wabewalkr> You need to figure out the needs of your audience.
<wabewalkr> Give them what they want, sell them what they need.
<Lore> Brunching Shuttlecocks Brand Food and Shelter
<Lore> It's staple-larious.
<wabewalkr> I was thinking more psychologically.
<Lore> Brunching Shuttlecocks Brand Love and Affection
<wabewalkr> There ya go!
<Lore> Now With Retsin!


<Samwise> did you hear about that truck they chased down in Israel?
<CrazyClimber> was it full of raisins?
<Samwise> Worse!
<Lore> Currants?


<Lore> I put up a bunch of photos of things. Hopefully nice enough photos that people could use them as stock photography.
<Lore> I don't charge for them, or require registration, or require a credit in the finished work.
<Lore> I advertise the hell out of my Web programming business on the site.
<Lore> The idea being that designers who can't program enter the site.
<Samwise> Of course, free photos are a good bait.
<Lore> And are trapped in the rainwater I store in my modified stamen.
<Lore> Wait.
<Lore> No.


<AliasN> Thank god another girl is here. Hi raven.
<raven> hey, alias.
<Craig> you girls wanna talk about shopping or ironing or something?
<Leth> maybe curtains
<AliasN> cramps
<CrazyClimber> i hear when chicks get together they trade URLs of their pics
<agent_orange> my vaginitis burns like a white hot-pizza oven
<agent_orange> on the SUN
<CrazyClimber> in summer?
<agent_orange> well, I got cream for it
<Leth> well, combine it with a yeast infection, and you have a nice lil bakery business
<AliasN> Oh, that just means someone's talking about your vagina, agto
<agent_orange> aren't they all!
<tieboy> people are always talking about agto's vagina
<agent_orange> "What in god's name is that smell?"
<Craig> I think it's on the cover of both Newsweek and The Economist this week
<Leth> especially the guys at the police lab trying to get it out of the paperweight so they can identify it
<zompist> but no one does anything about it!
<raven> don't make us start kneecapping you fuckers.
<tieboy> it's only because they keep him behind glass at the carnival
<CrazyClimber> it might even be one of the vaginas on this coffee cup
<agent_orange> "You keeping a dead vietnamese teenager in your pussy, there, son?"
<mdxi> oh cool, you got the Vaginas of the Animal Kingdom coffee cup?
<agent_orange> I got the Vaginas of the Animal Kingdom client list
<agent_orange> what else do chicks talk about?
<agent_orange> my husband can't get it up!
<agent_orange> thank GOD


<agent_orange> I have a naked little boy covered in chocolate crawling all over me. unfortunately, it's my son.
<agent_orange> damn gypsy curses!
<Craig> Time for the belt?
<agent_orange> time for some pants, I think
<zompist> covered in chocolate, sure.
<zompist> agto, he's BLACK
<zompist> DEAL with it
<CrazyClimber> the preferred term is agto-american


<mdxi> this weekend i was told stories of what goes on in the Meat Science building on campus
<mdxi> apparently it's a smalish slaughterhouse with a high-grade lab attached
<AliasN> Meat Science?
<mdxi> meat science.
<mdxi> think: THE CHICKEN OF TOMORROW
<mdxi> or some such
<spinn> ladies and gentlemen, I give you: MEAT SCIENCE
<mdxi> opening up for DOKKEN...MEAT SCIENCE
<AliasN> Oh, my major's got a first name, it's b-o-l-o-g-n-a
<Gayo> Awesome. I wish my uni had a slaughterhouse.
<zompist> meat science will be playing morse science high, and it's homecoming!
* agent_orange stares at a flank steak
<agent_orange> if only we could *reason* with it!
<mdxi> much of south campus is dedicated to acriculture and animal husbandry. and slaughter.
<mdxi> my office, for instance, is next to the Poultry Diagnostic Center
<mdxi> which just makes me giggle
<zompist> well, *somebody* has to study how to kill and torture animals
<Gayo> Oooh, animal husbandry
<Gayo> Advanced Mouse Fucking
<agent_orange> Mouse Fucking 495
<mdxi> images of chickens in respirators being flow-tested in big acrylic tanks
<Leth> well, someone has to learn how to be a forest ranger and hide in a little tower with their rodents anally inserted
<Craig> sounds like my u., Mdxi
<agent_orange> Poultry Diagnostic Center
<agent_orange> <grabs giblet> "Okay, turn your head and cough."
<mdxi> Heinz Gravy - Enigneered for Today's Higher Revving Poultry
<agent_orange> brrrrumm! <flrppltpltpllty>
<AliasN> So, I'm guessing "Sweetest Smelling Campus" is out of the question for you guys?
<mdxi> wish i'd had a camera last year on the day those turkeys escaped. they were hopping all over people's cars and stuff
*** agent_orange is now known as Dennis_Leary
<Dennis_Leary> So, you go 4 or 5 thousand miles without putting new grease in your chicken?


<Mia_D> ENTRY LEVEL WEBDEVELOPMENT COMMUNITY COLLEGE CLASS LIKE HAVING GLASS GROUND INTO EYE AND THEN WASHED OUT WITH ACID AND COOKIES


<zompist> yay. i've fixed all my bugs, made a change for another area, and now have nothing to do.
<tieboy> i've done nothing
<tieboy> and have nothing to do
<zompist> well, sounds like it's time for d&d!
<tieboy> I want to be a 7th level half-elven pimp!
<zompist> don't be silly
<zompist> half-eleven is 5.5, not 7
<tieboy> fine. my name is Trevor
<tieboy> alignment is Lawful-Apathetic
<zompist> ok, trevor. half-elf, half-chihuahua?
<tieboy> nope. just half elf
<spinn> heh
<spinn> yeah, half nothing else
<tieboy> i lost my lower limbs in a pimping accident
<zompist> ouch
<tieboy> my weapon of choice is a catapult
<tieboy> so populate the dungeon with large, slow moving creatures plz
* zompist can already see that this isn't going to be one of those really serious sessions
<zompist> ok, tie, you're standing on a windswept, bare plain. in front of you is a trail leading down to a half-buried gate.
<tieboy> i bury the trail
<zompist> righto! in front of you is nothing at all, leading down to a half-buried gate
<tieboy> i dispatch some hookers to go check it out
<zompist> they run giggling to the gate and attempt to arouse it, but can't get it up
<tieboy> okay, i go open the gate and dispense a few bitchslaps
<zompist> the gate doesn't take kindly to your bitchslaps, but it opens
<tieboy> does the gate look like it's been buried all the way recently?
<zompist> of course not! what would make you think that?
<tieboy> i light one of my hookers and peer inside
<tieboy> inside the gate, not inside the hooker
<tieboy> also, i go to lunch in about 7 minutes, so you might want to make something happen
<zompist> ok. large, slow-moving orcs slowly pile out of the gate
<tieboy> woo!
<zompist> "whooooooo diiiiiisssstuuuuurrrrrrbs uuuuuuuuuuus?"
<tieboy> i load up my catapult with hookers and engage
<zompist> which hooker are you engaged to?
<tieboy> i let you have that one
<zompist> the hookers are propelled onto the orcs and kiss them senseless
<tieboy> bizzatches s'posed to get paid first
<zompist> they're eager, is all
<CrazyClimber> not if they're doing it for love
<zompist> however, dolemite comes by, and since he's way cooler than you are, he steals them all away for HIS pimping empire
<Samwise> pimpire?
<tieboy> don't i get a saving throw?
<tieboy> i'm a pimp. i've got my own dice
<zompist> ok, try to beat a 43
<tieboy> i got a 2
<CrazyClimber> sure takes zomp a long time to evaluate 2 > 43
<tieboy> he's on a mac
<tieboy> and i'm getting a big mac
<zompist> sorry, work intervened
<zompist> aren't you at lunch yet?
<tieboy> some DM. shish!
<tieboy> i am now, mr. doesn't want to play serious D&D


<AliasN> Now, if you want to see a /real/ dick...http://www.tednugent.de/Goats.html
<raven> I bet those goats were terrorizing a native village somewhere, and he saved them all from the baaaaing and the tin can eating....
<AliasN> But then they had to put up with his hat, so really where's the justice?
<spinn> snkkt
<MisterQ> sheesh.. what a wussy.. hunting wild goats with a compound bow
<raven> yeah, what's wrong with bludgeoning them to death with a stick?
<MisterQ> all you really need is a dagger made from flint or obsidian
<AliasN> Or overfeeding them?
<Freyja> or a sharp kick. They're not that robust
<Down10> Or maybe dropping a big boulder on them from above like Wile E. Coyote
<MisterQ> or an intricate temple full of rotating sawblade traps
<Freyja> those look like domestic goats. Bet he just shot them down in a fenced pasture
<raven> heh. "URK! HEART...VALVES...CLANGING...SHUT!"
<raven> "Yup, got that goat with a steady diet of fried cheese!"
<MisterQ> fried cheese.. it kills prey dead
<MisterQ> "Here we have laid a trap of fried cheese. Lets see if anyone at TGIF falls for.. er.. orders it."
<MisterQ> "Yeah.. I cought that one five years ago in the jungle.. took four pounds of fried cheese."
<raven> "People say that we're taking all the sport out of killing animals, but hey! Hot oil can spatter!"
<AliasN> He probably just bored them to death.
<AliasN> "So I'm playing this gig in Italy, right? And this chick and her /mother/ I swear to god, come up and start wailing on my manmeat...I was like 'whoa! Italian chicks rock!'"
<AliasN> Four hours later, the goats mercifully expire
<MisterQ> Death by boring exagerated story?
<MisterQ> I guess there's just so far you can safely roll your eyes in disbelief before death sets in
<AliasN> If I had to listen to that goofball talk for four hours, I think I might try to find a shoelace to swallow or /something/


<agent_orange> spam:
<agent_orange> High Seas ANAL-ADVENTURES
<agent_orange> CAPTAIN STABBIN
<agent_orange> The-Anal-Adventures aboard the S.S. STABBIN
<agent_orange> What happens when you take an anal-horny Captain, a 60 foot yacht and his good looking deck hands into the open waters of Florida ???
<spinn> excellent bass fishing?
<zompist> a 60-foot yacht?
<zompist> man, that's a lot of anal training
<Drusilla> ow.
<Drusilla> my head.
<agent_orange> I wonder where they got the idea that I would be interested in such a thing?
<Drusilla> i think i just had an aneurysm.
<spinn> it's where you get the phrase "fishin' like a homo"
<agent_orange> dammit! broke my mouse button!
<tieboy> glad they remembered to take the yacht
<tieboy> otherwise it would be kind of a tragic porn
<agent_orange> What happens when you take an anal-horny Captain, a 60 foot yacht and his good looking deck hands into the open waters of Florida ???
<agent_orange> Hijinks?
<Drusilla> anal hijinks
<agent_orange> madcap adventures?
<tieboy> What happens when /I/ take them? I wind up swimming home, I guess
<mdxi> "sunburned gay porn filmed in international waters"
<agent_orange> ooo, tragic porn
<agent_orange> I like that
<agent_orange> where the guy blows his load on the dirl's face just before she dies of tuberculosis
<zompist> or a young stud falls in love with an asian girl and she ends up committing bukkake
<tieboy> seppukake! the newest craze in japan!
<tieboy> woman dips her face in the entrails of several hundred disgraced samuri
<Drusilla> fresh entrails, right?
<zompist> stud meets slut, stud loses slut, slut bangs 500 men, stud returns just as she dies of exhaustion


<SeanQ> savantbot
<SeanQ> can only do one thing, but really really well
<Craig> take it to vegas and get rich
<mdxi> it's not retarded, it just has that trendy new neurological condition. Auschwitz Syndrome or sometihng.
<Craig> Asperger's
<mdxi> Allstar. Hapsburg. Hamburger.
<mdxi> TOO EARLY
<SeanQ> haven't heard of that one
<mdxi> it's all the rage among the geeky-lamer types these days.
<mdxi> DML is, like, the poster child
<mdxi> it's like Autism-Lite
<Kyol> It's Excuse of the moment, I think.
<Kyol> Coz like ADD is passe.
<mdxi> wanna join the "It's not my fault i'm this way" in-crowd but had a perfectly normal childhood? Meds too expensive? TRY ASPERGER'S TODAY!!!
<SeanQ> huh, I'm still stuck on Chronic fatigue Syndrome, I need to update my excuse book


<Leth> "A fire still burned at the Kingsford Charcoal Plant Friday. Fire crews said the plant, on U.S. 27 just south of Burnside, had been burning since about 5:00 pm the evening before."
<Samwise> "Get some brats on that fire!"
<raven> "Local residents are rushing to the scene with brats, burgers and "S'mores fixins"...."
<Craig> "Fire crews were seen hurriedly wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil..."
<spinn> "firefighters waited for the flames to die down, then used several forklifts to distribute the smouldering building pieces evenly."


<jacquilynne> Okay. I'm going to IKEA. Later folks.
*** SIGNOFF: jacquilynne (Quit: And now I lay me down to sleep...)
<CrazyClimber> she's going to sleep at ikea?
<spinn> I think in the intervening half second she realized how tiring ikea would be
<agent_orange> her bed at home is broken
<agent_orange> SMASH!
<CrazyClimber> tried to have a bedtime snack last night, next thing she knew, the light fixture was on the floor and the dogs next door were howling
<agent_orange> meanwhile, at IKEA
<agent_orange> <HONK> <HONK> <HONK> <HONK>
<agent_orange> "lock the doors! lock the doors!"
<agent_orange> jacq: <yaaawwn>
<Samwise> "Boy am I thirsty..." "Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooo........!"
<Samwise> *slowmotion lunge for can*
<agent_orange> "No no no no no no--" <creeeeeeeaaaAAAAACKBAMBAMBABITYWHAPSMASH ving ving ving vingvingvingvingingingingwhok>
<agent_orange> jacq: <smack> <smack> zzzzzzzzz
<Samwise> *spoing* OW MY EYE phhloomp phloomp
<agent_orange> "Miss, miss, you can't__" <sthoop> "... a ... a ... a spear ..."
<agent_orange> Innocent Bystander, across the street: "If only we could reason with it..."
<Samwise> "Copy that, we have a two oh four niner, in progress at the ikea parking lot."


<mdxi> also: The Interactive Digital Software Association (the trade group of the gaming industry) kicked off this week's weirdness, announcing it has equipped each of the U.S. Navy's 72 submarines with a PlayStation 2, a GameCube or an Xbox and roughly 20 games each.
<zompist> there's nothing like a shootemup game for relaxing after a hard day's shelling of native villages
<Craig> wonder if the USN will use that as a recruiting tool.
<Craig> "Join the Navy -- now with GTA3 included!"
<zompist> tin can 1000 feet down, 40 tired and cranky sailors, 1 game box ... i see knife fights
<Craig> Skipper: "I'm going to take the controllers away until you boys learn to share!"
<zompist> "well, doesn't *that* just take the cake. i guess i'll be in my *bunk*. you all know where that is."


<mdxi> http://www.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/asiapcf/central/08/30/thomas.cnna/index.html <- infantry troops tell baseball players to STFU and switch places with them if it sucks so bad
<tieboy> what, they didn't tell the soldiers that part of their job involved possibly getting killed?
<tieboy> "I'm a soldier, and lemme tell you, sometimes the enemy HAVE GUNS!"
<tieboy> "They shooted at me and everything!"
<CrazyClimber> at least one baseball player has died as a result of injuries during a game
<Gayo> I'd like to see this expanded to other fields, actually. Having the military saying "shut up and get back to work" can be a major part of all strike resolution.


<zompist> how come a megamonopoly with personal ties to satan can't get enough web servers?
<jacquilynne> Microsoft has a server shortage?
<zompist> apparently
<zompist> i keep getting server busy errors at slate.
<Craig> the Prince of Darkness is notoriously stingy with his IT budget.
<zompist> that's the problem with elder gods-- no sense of technology
<Craig> Brimstone ain't free, ya know.
<hockeyfag> Gates would only license satan so many concurrent licenses. Adding more would've bankrupted hell and some of the outer levels would've had to shut down.
<raven> And RIFing demons is a bitch.
<hockeyfag> I'd hate to see their unemployment applications..
<hockeyfag> old salary.... 5 souls a week occupation... tormenter of the damned
<raven> "YES, I've been TRYING to look for work!"


<sol-D> agto is actually a renewable source of evil. mastermind criminals buy agto. scrapings
<Otter> the truly evil buy agto scrapple
<Machival> he doesn't sweat normal human perspiration, but a black oil of liquified evil.


<spinn> oh, we discovered a friend of hock's got taken in by the nigerian spam scam
<Freyja> really? What a dumbass. I mean... no, I mean it


* agent_orange chooses this exact moment to go to the crapper
<sol-D> that's nice. just let loose in the floor?
<agent_orange> scuse me . scuze me. pardon me.
<agent_orange> I can't hear you, because I'm in the can, and I make a lot of noise, usually.
<agent_orange> grunting.
<AliasN> What a strange dichotomy. At the moment I'm reading a log where Agto is being terribly smart and intellectual, but in real time, he's uh...well he's...um
<raven> he's agt.
<spinn> the channel wouldn't be nearly as interesting if it weren't for the range of intellect and ability expressed by the...
<spinn> ...oh man did I just cut one. whoo!
<raven> greg!
<spinn> whoa! light a match!
* raven fans the air.
<raven> dammit, no more sauerkraut for you!
<spinn> heh heh
<agent_orange> well, anyway, while I was in the can, I was rereading Paul DeMan's Blindness and Insight, and was musing about how his collaboration with the nazi occupation forces impacts on his theory of authorial blindness in deconstructive criticism.
<agent_orange> and pinching an enormous, moray-eel sized pooploaf
* AliasN shakes head in the manner of a Sunny-D mom
<AliasN> That's our agto!!
<agent_orange> which reminded me of Luce irigary's idealization of ecriture feminine, but I took it no firther as I was out of toilet paper and had to use some Stanley Fish nonsense
<agent_orange> no one reads Fish anyway. might as well have some use on the earth
<agent_orange> well, enough of this ivory tower intellectualism. Where's the broads?


<spinn> well that's about attraction preference. when I think "binary sexuality" I think male/female
<spinn> like there's some other sexual orientation where you have four interlocking cubes for genitalia or something
<Maus> You're not knocking my cubesticals, are you?


<Zole> I actually like McDonald's food, but I'm uncomfortable calling them restaurants.
<Maus> I agree. I would prefer McDonald's "meat troughs"
<Zole> Or perhaps the "Walk Thru"
<Maus> Or McDonald's food chuckery
<Gayo> I like McDonalds food well enough, but the preparation makes me uneasy.
<Maus> it is in my experience that most food is ruined by examination of its preparation. The best way to go at McD's is to practice blissful ignorance.
<zompist> you can come to enjoy the piquant taste of sour cream and teenager spit
<Zole> Yes. And having read McYukkies, I am worried.
<Zole> I want my frozen patties thawed by someone who can come up with a damn punchline.


<AliasN> What. Is. Up?
<Leth> well, according to my email, I have the several choices today
<AliasN> Excellent!
<Leth> I can increase my breast size, my penis size, or have several sexy co-eds have wild sex with me
<AliasN> Why not all three?
<Leth> oh, and I can get low-interest mortgages
<AliasN> Because when you're having wild sex with sexy barely-legal co-eds you don't want to be worrying about interest rates
<AliasN> Am I right?!
<Leth> exactly. I want to know that reputable spamming financiers are watching my money like hawks
<hockeyfag> I've refinanced 6 times today so far, because with interest this low, I win and banks lose!


<AliasN> I might have been able to figure that out.
<AliasN> You'd think
<Leth> ya never know
<Leth> with that tiny litt- nevermind, that joke's run its course
<Kyol> Damn.
<Leth> you, however, remain funny as a fag
<Kyol> Hey, y'know, if it amuses _you_....
<Leth> oh, it does
<Leth> believe me, it does
<AliasN> *I'm* funny as a fag?
<Leth> nonono, I meant Kyo- well, actually, I dunno. We'll give it a shot. You might be
<AliasN> Oh. Whew!


<mdxi> "The latest iMac may look like a desk lamp, but at least it's an elegant desk lamp. Gateway's Profile 4 looks like the third-runner up in a design competition to see how much computer you can balance atop a keyboard." -- money.cnn.com
*** Crazy_Climber has joined #spinnwebe
<Kyol> Got a URL?
<agent_orange> I tink I have a spare one around here
<agent_orange> here, try this:
<agent_orange> httP;//www.cruisingforsex.com
<Kyol> That URL tastes like burning!
<Crazy_Climber> i hate showing up here and desperately wishing i had context
<CrazyClimber> i also hate thinking that i'd probably rather be without the context considering it's agt, kyol, and sex
<agent_orange> hey hey hey
<agent_orange> there's only room for three homos in this channel
<agent_orange> and all slots are filled


<hockeyfag> who are the 3 current homos?
<Samwise> You're two of them.
<hockeyfag> ah
<hockeyfag> figured I'd be down to 1.5 by now
<mdxi> kyol's the other half
<hockeyfag> kyols gay?
<mdxi> cc and leth have been saying so for months
<mdxi> so it gots to be true
<hockeyfag> ah
<CrazyClimber> you should see the spread of roses he has at his house
<CrazyClimber> and sean says it more than me
<CrazyClimber> i can't keep up with those two in the calling-kyol-a-fag department


<Lore> I like to be a sub-contractor.
<CrazyClimber> dru's one now too
<Lore> She's a sub-employee. That's worse.
<Lore> To begin with, she has to wear a uniform.
<Lore> I get most of my work done wearing nothing but a tattered pair of Powerpuff Girls boxer shorts.
<CrazyClimber> sounds like a uniform to me
<Lore> Only when I also put on the epaulets.


<Samwise> Mmmm, mexican meal...
<agent_orange> I'll have the cacachanga with the burrhea salsa
<Samwise> so, I went to this new mexican place, just getting started. Seemed the building they used was cursed; it's changed hands 4 times in as many years.
<agent_orange> and the porka del amor
<zompist> and it's run by ducks?
<CrazyClimber> do new mexicans use raisins in their cooking?
<agent_orange> donde esta del raisins?
<CrazyClimber> i win!
<Samwise> dammit, do you want to hear the story or not?
<agent_orange> yeah, but you didn't do it auf esgpagnia
<Samwise> Because if this keeps up, you'll NEVER hear another story from me!
<zompist> if you let this sort of thing stop you, you don't deserve to tell stories to us
<agent_orange> ...
<Kyol> I'm... Failing to see the threat there, Sam.
<Samwise> Oh, OK. I see how y'are.
<Samwise> then you'll never know about... THE CHIMICHANGA
<Leth> they nailed it to the plate?


<Leth> FrontPage 2002 bitches when you have Dreamweaver installed already on the same machine
<Leth> apparently it doesn't like it when other apps are designated as default HTML editors
<raven> is it a MS product?
<Leth> rave: yah
<raven> well, question asked, question answered.
<Leth> oh, never was a question, just surprised it complained so vehemently
<Maus> Did you get a popup?
<Leth> a dialog during the installation
<Leth> "Another application has been designated blah blah default editor blah blah DONT YOU WANT TO CHANGE THAT?"
<Leth> it asks three different times in different places, and keeps saying (Highly recommended)
<Maus> "A quick scan of your records show that you are currently a Methodist. Click the checkbox if you'd like to convert to Gates-worship (Highly recommended)"
<wabewalkr> "We are Microsoft. You will be assimilated."
<Brodie> "Listen, this is your last chance. I'm trying to be a nice program about it."
<Maus> "Either this is the default, or you'll be wearing cement shoes, capice?"


*** Lore has joined #spinnwebe
<MrLuke> [Lore] PANCAKES!
<Lore> That's funny. I could swear I told Luke to say "Ass."
<AliasN> Really. Thanks Leth.
<Leth> no problem
<Leth> I'll get you the address to send the "videos" later
<SeanQ> for his "friend"
<AliasN> When someone next asks me "who's the man"? I will reply wholeheartedly "Leth"!
<zompist> who's the man?
<AliasN> Leth!
<Leth> Lore: it's an easy mistake to make
<Leth> the ASCII encoding of "ASS" is most likely close to "PANCAKES"
<AliasN> Hello Lore.
<AliasN> ASS!
<Lore> Thanks, Alias.
<Lore> I think you're ready to move out of Purgatory now.
<AliasN> Yay!
<Lore> And into the Northgate Mall of Durham, North Carolina.
<AliasN> Oh, boo.
<AliasN> I'll stay in Purgatory,thanks.
<Lore> It's a lot like Purgatory, but there's a Sbarro's.
<Lore> Oh, come on. Purgatory doesn't have a Sanrio store.
<Lore> Oh, wait, there it is.
<Lore> Nevermind.
<AliasN> I'm just glad I'm out of hell. Sonny Bono kept hitting on me
<AliasN> No, for the last time I will /not/ sing Cherokee woman
<Lore> "Hell," an aged preist once told me, "Is a place where there is lots of wonderful food, but the people are starving, because they have no elbows and can't bend their arms to feed themselves."
<Lore> "And what of Heaven?" I asked.
<Lore> "Heaven," he replied, "is exactly the same. Except they have elbows."
<CrazyClimber> but they could feed each other in hell
<Lore> No, there's a bunch of demons with whips that smack them around if they try that.
<Lore> What, you think after thousands of years of starvation they didn't think of that?
<zompist> wait, if heaven is exactly the same except for the elbows, then there are demons with whips in heaven too.
<Lore> Uh.
<Lore> LOOK A FIRE ENGINE!
<zompist> wriggle out of THAT one, roshamboy!
<Leth> wasn't there a Sesame Street bit like that, where the alien creatures had to work together like that
<Lore> All biblical parables have been converted into Sesame Street shorts.
<SeanQ> lore, I loved the one where Elmo rose from the dead
<SeanQ> or when Prairie Dawn fed the 5,000... great stuff
<Lore> Those aren't parables. They're events.
<zompist> miracles, in fact
<Lore> Parables are like when Harry Monster...uh.
<Lore> I used to know these.
<Lore> My dad's wife had a bunch of little illustrated parable books.
<AliasN> Came back after spending all of Big Bird's dough
<SeanQ> so the Samaratin woman giving Jesus water is like Grover giving Cookie Monster a cookie
<Lore> No. If it has Jesus in it, it's not a parable.
<SeanQ> shit, I'm not up on my Biblical references at all
<zompist> the classic parable of jesus is that story of his about the ducks and the raisins
<Lore> Parables are little stories Jesus told to illustrate important points about not burning for eternity.
<AliasN> Jesus wasn't in the Prodigal son
<Lore> Right! There we go!
<Lore> The Prodigal Grover or Something.
<raven> and then the duck showed his wounds to Thomas, zomp?
<Lore> Ducks and the raisins.
<SeanQ> yah yah I know but I can't get good sleep at night and Father Luo's voice is so soothing soooo sooothhzznznnkkt
<SeanQ> I actually found a Teletubbies book that tells the story of World War II
<Lore> I don't know that one.
<Lore> Is that the one where God shall separate the ducks from the raisins?
<zompist> the duck said, "hey, jesus, after getting nailed, you could be raisin the dead!"
<SeanQ> and the duck being nailed to the floor foretold the crucifixion
<Lore> Once again I search on Google for elightenment and find only #spinnwebe logs.


<Lore Elfstar> Okay. I'm having a crisis of #spinnwebe. I know I'm being a bit of a drama queen by bringing it up, but it beats keeping it to myself and acting weird for unclear reasons.
<wabewalkr> What kind of crisis?
<Lore Elfstar> The problem is this: I say certain things in this channel that, on later reflection, I'd rather not share with the world on a permanent basis. I don't seem to be able to consider the difference beforehand, and I'm not sure it would be much fun for me if I had to.
<zompist> god knows no one ever acts weird for unclear reasons around here
<Lore Elfstar> On the other hand, I don't want to spoil everyone's fun at reading the logs. On the third hand, I like hanging out in #spinnwebe. I haven't come up with any solution after some months of considering this. Any insights?
<Lore Elfstar> It's all ego, actually.
<agent_orange> change you /nick
<wabewalkr> Ask raven to expunge the logs.
<Leth> just tell raven not to yeah what he said
<Lore Elfstar> Is that kosher?
*** Craig has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to <Lore Elfstar> Okay. . . I know I'm . . . a . . . queen. . . .
<Leth> oh sure
<Kyol> Yeah.
<zompist> heh
<Leth> Sean did it
<Lore Elfstar> Heh.
<SeanQ> oh yeah, there's about twwo megs of stuff about my current employer rotting in a vault somewhere
<CrazyClimber> but tell us which ones, so we can save our own copies
<Lore Elfstar> I'm so used to any complaint around here being met with the exact opposite of the complainer's request, that I thought if I asked for something to be expunged, it'd be set in extra-large bold text.
<zompist> of course, sop is for raven to put in a line "LORE WAS A REAL WUSS ABOUT CERTAIN COMMENTS HERE"


<mdxi> anyone who starts cutting themselves for any reason is a liability. time to say bye bye.
<Drusilla> he wouldn't really
<Drusilla> this is why i want to punch him in the face. repeatedly.
<mdxi> "you don't understand my PAIN" "you're goddamn right i don't, you fucking nutbag. get out."
<Drusilla> he just said that when i said i was down to cheer me up.
<mdxi> "and take your smiths albums with you"
<mdxi> i'm a certified counsellor from the Dennis Leary School of Kindness and Light


<jacquilynne> Huh. A news story just said that the Centre for Disease Control considers bullying to be one of the biggest threats children face.
<jacquilynne> Can someone explain to me how bullying became a disease?
<Samwise> heh. I guess they're sick of having their lunch money stolen.
<Brodie> They just sent out a press release urging Americans to "Quit it guys, it's not funny any more."
<Brodie> CDC urges "Hey, I need my hat back!"


<MisterQ> I was reading the old logs, rave.. I used to be funny.. sigh
<raven> heh
<MisterQ> All my humortastic abilities went the way of the emu
<jacquilynne> Which way did the emu go?
<MisterQ> that way
<Zole> You know... the emu place.
<MisterQ> under the ground
<Zole> It's not funny, I tell you what.
<MisterQ> no, the emu place isn't funny. Not like the penguin palace or the parakeet deathring


<jacquilynne> Huh. I'm one of Lore's fetishes.
<jacquilynne> I'm not sure whether to be amused or afraid.
<Freyja> no need to brag about it and rub it in our face
<zompist> look out the window... is he out there?
<MisterQ> you can combine the two: amfraid
<Machival> the official emotion of Am/trak/.
*** Samwise has joined #spinnwebe
<jacquilynne> sam
<Samwise> jacqui
<MisterQ> heya sam
<MisterQ> Be amfraid. Be very amfraid.


<AliasN> What in the name of god's holy onions is a "Trophy Porky's Pork Puffs"
<zompist> some porky's pork puffs you get after divorcing your previous hard-working but aged porky's pork puffs


* zompist is considering playing more black & white, but his creature is proving hard to train
<zompist> it keeps eating the villagers.
*** Otter has joined #spinnwebe
<Otter> Heya.
<random> beat him
<Otter> Beat me?
<random> not you. you're not eating villagers.
<AliasN> Are you?
<Otter> "I'm not *not* eating villagers."
<MisterQ> diet villagers
<AliasN> zomp are you treating your creature with love and respect?
<zompist> he started eating villagers when i wasn't paying him much attention, so i couldn't swat him much.
<random> maybe you should go for being evil instead then
<AliasN> It's a classic case of wanting negative attention, sounds to me
<AliasN> Oh, you're not paying me any attention, fine! I'll just eat the mayor!
<zompist> 'course, i may not be setting a good example
<zompist> i thought the villagers would like a horse. so i gave them one, but apparently it fell and crushed someone.
<zompist> see if they get any more horses, the little whiners.
<Otter> I'll bet nobody ever concludes their visits to Santa with "and a pony" anymore, huh
<zompist> i assume santa is a rival god anyway. i'd have to challenge his creature to a knife fight


<agent_orange> in the "I'll bet it is" department: http://www.nola.com/newsflash/louisiana/index.ssf?/cgi-free/getstory_ssf.cgi?n5009_BC_LA--SerialKillings&&news&newsflash-louisiana
<agent_orange> "They're on to me ‹ I mean, yeah, it can be rough," said Dominio's Pizza delivery man Jimmy Dale Eustace.
<spinn> "There's as many theories as there are people in Baton Rouge right now," said Baton Rouge Police Chief Pat Englade.
<agent_orange> what, six?
<spinn> that's just sloppy math. it's people - 1
<agent_orange> let's see ... BR was about 250k last time I looked...
<agent_orange> THEORY 1: evil faeries
<Maus> THEORY 12,327: the gummint
<Maus> Theories 8 through 236,296 are 'the gummint'.
<AliasN> "[I] make sure I have my uniform on," he said.
<agent_orange> "I hides the strangulation kit inside the flowers, so's they don't git too jiggety," confides UPS driver Delbert Ray Nostril


<spinn> gah
<spinn> oh here's a well-designed
<spinn> oh no it isn't it's a fucking mess
<spinn> http://www.subkultures.net/Furax?readjid=287563
<MisterQ> thats what happens when you hire squirrels as web designers


<spinn> wowwww
<spinn> you know what I completely forgot about
<spinn> that every-five-minutes abevigoda.com-loading guy
<spinn> he's still at it
<tieboy> da hell
<tieboy> it's not possible
<spinn> his net transfer has been pegged at 30k/sec, 24 hours a day, for like the past what, 8 weeks?
<tieboy> it can't be a human being
<agent_orange> maybe he's dead with his .44-shot head resting on the r key
<tieboy> i'm telling you, someone told Abe to look at the site, and he did, and then he died, and his nose is pressing down on the keyboard
<spinn> beheheh
<Maus> Maybe it's an obsessive compulsive with... damn it, agto wins.
<spinn> nah, tie wins
<Maus> Ooh, it's close.
<tieboy> oh, don't backpedal, Maus
<tieboy> you twat
<Maus> fag
<MisterQ> now if you combine the two, do you get 'fwat' or 'twag'?
<Maus> You get a very uncomfortable homosexual fellow.
<Maus> Or horrible cunnilingus.
<agent_orange> shut up
<agent_orange> tie wins
<tieboy> I have irony on my side
<agent_orange> that's a fungus, d00d
* zompist uses tie's winnings to buy everyone jim beam and ding dongs
<spinn> plus it requires a dessicated abe vigoda corpse that no one's bothered moving for eight weeks
<spinn> like how could they tell the difference I guess
<Maus> Well, the dead Abe has little Xs on his eyes. They must think he's sleeping. The decay's probably normal.
<agent_orange> the corpse doesn't shiver when they squeeze the glycerine suppository up its ass
<AliasN> agto...I love you
<agent_orange> back atcha babe


<AliasN> Kemlo is before my time.
<AliasN> Hahahaha
<tieboy> at least you're around for the DnaEra
<agent_orange> say, where is he?
<agent_orange> vacation bible school?
<tieboy> KEMLO IS GONE GONE I SAY AND YAAAAAAAAAAAY THXSPINN
<spinn> heheh
<spinn> you know, I am never tired of, or embarrassed by, tie thanking me for getting rid of kemlo and lots
<spinn> I think it's because I share his joy
<AliasN> These were bad people I take it?
<agent_orange> very bad men
<spinn> sorta yes and yes, respectively
<Machival> how about ben?
<spinn> kemlo survived so long because he gets under my radar
<spinn> ben took care of himself
<zompist> ben's an exile
<agent_orange> think lovecraftian horrors, but starting with nerds instead of calamari


<CrazyClimber> ok, i'm gonna park my sweet little ass on the bed for the night. see y'all.
*** CrazyClimber has left #spinnwebe
<hiway> aw. I miss his ass already.
<Down10> It _is_ a beautiful ass.
<wabewalkr> Starring Russel Crowe
<hiway> I wish I had a paranoid schizophrenic ass.


<Lore> This reminds me of discussing sex with GhostCoder. It just makes me sad.
<zompist> don't discuss it with him, lore. just sit back and enjoy it


<mdxi> "and" is a conjunction, btw. not an article.
<SeanQ> thank you, Lord Pedant of Pickydom


<Drusilla> my aunt lynne wrote a lovely piece about how she's afraid her son will get drafted and/or killed because of sept. 11.
<Drusilla> was published in a trade mag.
<raven> what trade? "Fleeing to Canada Quarterly"?
<Kyol> American Tin Foil Manufacturer's Ass'n.
<AliasN> Kneejerk Reactions Weekly
<Drusilla> no, it was a legal trade mag
<Drusilla> but i know my cousin
<Drusilla> he's a 4-f if there ever was one
<Drusilla> he doesn't go more than 20 miles from their house
<Kyol> Ah, much like Mikki.


<Lore> Frames suck Costco-sized packages of cock.


<AliasN> I can't believe it. My neighbour just called me asking to borrow a cup of...wait for it...hair gel.
<AliasN> It's an emergency, apparently.
<Samwise> I hope you provided some.
<AliasN> How could I not?
<SeanQ> "Give me a few minutes..." *fapfapfapfapfap* "Here ya go, Sparky."
<Samwise> "It's my own herbal blend - strawberry, mango, guava, and turkey drippings."
<SoiledGreen> should have gave him Crazy Glue.
<Samwise> It's also not "Can I use your hair gel?" but "Can I borrow a cup of hair gel?"
<Samwise> Which is somehow reeeeally weird.
<AliasN> You don't know this guy. He's got a tattoo of Tommy Lee on his arm...
<AliasN> weird doesn't even cover it.
<Samwise> Saving up for a Pamela Anderson tattoo on the other side of the elbow, so when he does curls, Tommy fucks her in the ass.
<SeanQ> didja tell him you want it all back?
<AliasN> Ewww, no.
<AliasN> It's not actually my hair gel, anyway, it's a roommate's.
<Samwise> Oh, so you've already laced it with silver nitrate.
<AliasN> No, I have not. I actually like my roommates and do not want them to explode.
<Samwise> But you'll give their hair gel to creepyguy?
<Samwise> You know he's just learning their scent.
<AliasN> Strangely enough he's one of my roommate's ex-boyfriends. He is well acquainted with her scent (yuuughhgh!)
<Samwise> Oh, is her scent unpleasant?
<Leth> so many directions to go with that, so little time
<SeanQ> funny, that's the same thing her ex said about her
<AliasN> D'oh! No, it's just that he is unpleasant. Well, not unpleasant...just, kinda...he's got a tattoo of Tommy Lee!
<Kyol> Back to the tattoo.
<Samwise> Ah. Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that they might have scrogged on your kitchen table, would it?
<AliasN> Eww, ewww, ewww!
* AliasN bangs head against wall in effort to dislodge the image
<Samwise> Oh, nononono
<Samwise> Try the brain brillo. It hurts a little less.
* AliasN tries new extra strength Brain Brillo(tm)
<AliasN> Nope, doesn't seem to be working.
<SeanQ> try picturing it with 'Girls Girls Girls' blaring on your stereo, see if that helps
<AliasN> Why you wanna hurt me, SeanQ?
<Leth> No, no Culture Club, he said "Girls Girls Girls"
<Leth> besides, maybe it wasn't the table. Maybe it was that counter area near the sink
* AliasN plugs her ears "I'm not listening, I'm not listening"
<Kyol> That stain on the wall? It isn't sour cream.
<CrazyClimber> would you like a nice tangy dill pickle?
<SeanQ> all those stains they blamed onthe cat? nuh-unh-unh
<Samwise> Oh... and I hope you haven't used the salad tongs...
<AliasN> hehehehe
<AliasN> You people are disgusting. I knew there was a reason I was hanging out here.
<Leth> please....this is laid back
<AliasN> Oh.
<Samwise> When we're hot, we can make *ourselves* ill.
<SeanQ> and we're less disturbing than what goes on n the rest of that apartment
<CrazyClimber> yeah, i'm just working up my appetite for lunch.
* AliasN rethinks the whole "hanging out here" thing.
<Leth> We didn't even start in on those odd spots and smells on the sofa
<Leth> or the duvet
<Leth> or why the soda bottles seem...off
<Samwise> Or why the ottoman is always in a different position
<AliasN> You think I live in a frat house, I take it.
<raven> "I thought you said we were out of milk!"
<Leth> not necessarily, but if it skeeves, we run with it
<Leth> "Hey, great leftover chicken alfredo!" "Alfredo? We don't have any alfre- er, GEE THANKS"
<Samwise> Bah. If it were a frat house, you wouldn't be able to enter the kitchen.


<zompist> are you very picky about what you stick it in?
<Down10> I'm just a shut-in. But "picky" I'm not, in terms of women
* zompist cancels the order for a sheep
<sol-D> stick what in?
<zompist> li'l downie
<zompist> down jr.
<sol-D> downy? it's snuggly soft.
<zompist> poor guy


<me_tew> Congrats on the job, Drusie.
*** SIGNOFF: Drusilla (Quit: fuck)
<CrazyClimber> hey, dru
<CrazyClimber> and yes, i hope the job indeed is a good step up
<CrazyClimber> and perhaps even a role model to some other lj'ers
<Leth> um, bob
<Leth> *** Drusilla has quit IRC (Quit: fuck)
<CrazyClimber> oh
<CrazyClimber> well, i didn't really mean it anyway
<zompist> and she even addressed that quit message to YOU


<spinn> hrm
<spinn> so on the seventh day, god rested. and from this we take that sunday is a day of rest
<spinn> why don't we take wednesdays as the day to make mountains and lakes
<Samwise> You mean you don't?
<Craig> thou shalt remember Mountain Day and keep it holy
<zompist> bob already tells us when he makes dirtsnakes... i don't want to hear about his mountains and lakes
<spinn> then we should do all kinds of things god does
<zompist> dibs on smiting!
<spinn> I've never killed onan for jerking off
<spinn> oh, wait, actually he wasn't even jerking off, he was pulling out
<Samwise> Well, he's dead. Kinda redundant.
<spinn> but we should have church-supplied onans
<Craig> first thing I'm doing is retracting that whole "no more floods" promise.
<zompist> i'm going to try "fiat lux"
<zompist> and buy myself an italian car


<Sandry> You know, doom and gloom and teen angst is a step up from some journals, which seem to revolve around bitchiness and shipping.
<spinn> shipping?
<Sandry> Shopping, rather.
<zompist> i'd at least glance at a lj that was about bitchiness and shipping
<tieboy> FUCKING FEDEX I'LL KILL MYSELF
<CrazyClimber> hey, spinn has a segment of his site devoted to UPS and angst
<Sandry> But is he bitchy enough? I submit that he is not, leaving us with a void yet in the market.
<Down10> Airborne Express, you are like the middle child in a family of fools


<shil> question: how do you guys load the dishwasher?
<shil> front to back or back to front?
<CrazyClimber> nice euphe*ack*
<SeanQ> "Hey honey, the sink is fulla dishes again - take care of it!"
<shil> seriously
<Kyol> Front to back.
<TMR> Get the wife drunk.
<me_tew> Back to front
<CrazyClimber> i just have a sink, so top to bottom
<mdxi> bottom to top, actualy, with each level being loaded in no particular order. i load plates then glasses then whatever else.
<mdxi> so load order is determined largely by the design of the rack
<shil> see... i load back to front. makes SENSE to me. you start from the back and that way, you have room to put the last few things in.
<me_tew> Hm. First married arguement, shil?
<CrazyClimber> of course, mdxi's dishwasher runs perl code
<shil> actually, i'm talking about the top rack.
<Craig> randomly, with two loads never being quite the same. like a snowflake
<CrazyClimber> i'll talk about your top rack too shil
<TMR> The bottom rack ain't bad, either.
<SeanQ> I load the dishwasher like I used to make love before I got married - just stick things in any old place, then rinse with hot water


<Craig> so just how many types of sandwiches does ol' subway have?
<Drusilla> this many.
* Drusilla knocks Craig unconscious


<CrazyClimber> you'll be managing the place soon
<CrazyClimber> then you can beg ben to apply there
<CrazyClimber> so you can turn him down
<Drusilla> but he never took a cooking class
<Drusilla> how will he know how to put things on bread?


<SeanQ> what's the one my wife always orders... Subway Club or cold cut combo or something
<SeanQ> it's all turkey-based, even though they claim it has all diffeent stuff
<Drusilla> no.
<Drusilla> that'd be the cold-cuts.
<CrazyClimber> she's been studying, she knows her sandwiches
<Drusilla> i've been making them and ringing them up
<Drusilla> my parents went out
<Drusilla> they left me some turkey and cheese and bread
<Drusilla> i'm going to burn down the house
<SeanQ> it's like bologna, ham, and somethign else (all turkey based)
<SeanQ> just call it the Turkey Combo
<SeanQ> the fuck, if I want turkey, I'll order turkey
<SeanQ> it's all Jerods fault, that skinny cocksucker
<Drusilla> Jared.
<SeanQ> whatever
<Drusilla> Jerod is my boyfriend. My un-skinny boyfriend.
<SeanQ> is he turkey-based too?
<Drusilla> nope.
<Maus> Well.. when you eat him, do you get sleepy?
<Drusilla> Nope,
<Samwise> does he?
<Drusilla> no.
<mdxi> that's good at least


<hockwork> lots can't have kids or something?
<raven> shouldn't.
<mdxi> medically? who knows. but there are practical matters as well.
<raven> can't find a willing female.
<Leth> hock: think of the process that is necesary for that
<mdxi> like "touching a woman"
<raven> "chooses" not to.
<Leth> sort of like Ben "chooses" to live at home and not really find a job
<raven> well, when you're that over-qualified....
<mdxi> if only one could make sweet, sweet love to bacon
<ristoril> pretty sure you can do that mdxi.
<mdxi> ristoril: i meant "and have something happen other than soiling the bacon and making your wang un-kosher"
<ristoril> oh, good. because my next question was 'isn't he already doing that?'
<hockwork> "your wang has touched the unholy animal meat? oi-vey!"
<Leth> besides, once the chicken has ben choked, it's unkosher to make soup
<Leth> er, been
<ristoril> I doubt it's in much danger of being placed in anyones mouth, hock
<Leth> but the typo is funny too
<CrazyClimber> i always knew he was into fellowship
<Leth> "GRRKKMRRRRMMMFFF Damnit Mike, be careful next time! I could have really choked there! HGULGLUGHBLUUGH


<ristoril> the real challenge was doing the 'how long and directly can i stare without incurring the wrath of the bearer or her boyfriend' calculation
<Craig> What else factors into that calculation besides [boyfriend_height] and [boobsize]?
<Samwise> distance.
<Samwise> proximity to innocent starables.
<Samwise> boyfriend width.
<me_tew> Whether or not your tongue is hanging out during the stare.
<Craig> Type of motorcycle driven by boyfriend [Harley = cut seconds of stare by half]
<Samwise> shirt tied in the middle in the front = increase time by 1.5X
<CrazyClimber> taking san francisco bus = increase time by as much as you can
<Samwise> Oh, shit, we totally forgot the most important factor - who you're with at the time.
<CrazyClimber> well, it depends on how good your sunglasses are.
<Samwise> Sister? time * .75 Girlfriend? time * .25 Wife? time * .5 Mom? time * .00001
<Samwise> And those are assuming she's watching.
<Craig> buddies? time * 10.0
<Samwise> Or, time = [buddy time] * 1.01
<mdxi> what if your wife nudges you and says "look at the jugs on that one"?
<Samwise> Then your name is shawn and you probably have pictures of her already


<SeanQ-afk> In or out, make up your mind!
<Craig> "You trying to IRC the whole neighborhood?!"


<Maus> So I was at the Chinese Buffet, and I couldn't help but to think, "What would Thor Heyerdahl eat in a situation like this?"
<Leth> pfft, who hasn't gone through that before
<Maus> Oddly enough, Thor Heyerdahl hasn't.
<Craig> I was at the Whataburger today and pondered if Sir Edmund Hillary would supersize his french fries
<mdxi> he'd build a raft as a practical challenge to the traditionalists who hold that ancient polynesian peoples could never make it to the bar for seconds
<Maus> Charles Lindbergh would have eaten the General Tso's Chicken. Heyerdahl would hit the Mongolian BBQ bar.
<Leth> I heard he created a submarine out of spring rolls to prove that Indonesian divers were able to explore the ocean depths long before the Chinese
<Craig> tragically drowned when the cabbage wouldn't withstand the pressure at 2 feet.
<Leth> I didn't say he succeeded
<Maus> He should have used the shrimp variety.


<agent_orange> I want to be hockeyboi for three minutes
<agent_orange> I know a guy who'll pay a hundred bucks
<Drusilla> which 3?
<Down10> ...you do?
<zompist> just a hundred?
<agent_orange> the three between the weber grill beginning its journey up my shitdivot and the moment I black out
<zompist> do you start with the handle or the legs?
<Samwise> what in god's name for?
<mdxi> is it the Simpsons version?
<agent_orange> well, the handle
<Machival> what do you feel so guilty for?
<agent_orange> duh
<zompist> did you grow up catholic?
<zompist> you could probably expiate a lot of sins that way
<mdxi> accept the lord jesus christ into your life and america's favorite grill smokey joe into your bunghole
<agent_orange> sorry, I was having trouble with the tongs
* Drusilla shudders uncontrollably.
<Drusilla> seriously. very disturbing images.
<zompist> tongs go up the front, silly
* Machival 's penis inverts at the mental image.
<mdxi> where's that MPEG?
<agent_orange> oops! Brats are done!
<agent_orange> <unghf ughd ugnghf>
<agent_orange> okay, who wants one?
<zompist> i didn't order corn on mine
<mdxi> and by "brats" he means "small children"
* agent_orange aims his "dispenser" at Machival
<agent_orange> mustard?
<Machival> can you do relish?
<agent_orange> I can do it *with* relish
<agent_orange> I dunno. Hand me a pickle and I'll see


<spinn> you know what I want
<spinn> a quiet cd drive
<Samwise> A refreshing beverage?
<spinn> no, a quiet cd drive
<spinn> christ should I type louder
<mdxi> just dig up an old 4X drive. none of them actually seem to move data faster than that anyway
<spinn> A. QUIET. CD. DRIVE.
<Samwise> Sorry, spinn, was already typed by then.
<Drusilla> we heard ypu
<Samwise> I just went from 16 to 52x drive, and the noise bugged me for a while, but I don't notice it anymore.
<spinn> maybe you're too deef to hear the louder drive
<tieboy> we obviously need a moderator
*** tieboy is now known as Moderator
<spinn> yeah, maybe we do
<Moderator> HI! Welcome to spinnchat!!!!!! Please submit your questions!!!!!!!
*** Mode change "+m" on #spinnwebe by spinn
<spinn> okay, rist can talk next
*** Mode change "+v ristoril" on #spinnwebe by spinn
<spinn> make it good
<ristoril> boobies
*** ristoril has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by spinn (WRONG)
*** mdxi has set the topic on channel #spinnwebe to hahaha i circumvent your efforts to silence me
<spinn> okay sam now
*** Mode change "+v Samwise" on #spinnwebe by spinn
<Samwise> Well, here's a page on silent PC's, dunno if it'll help you mac users: http://pmitros.mit.edu/silence.html
*** Samwise has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by spinn (DULL)
*** tieboy has set the topic on channel #spinnwebe to this is elitist
*** Mode change "+v tieboy" on #spinnwebe by spinn
<spinn> let's try tie
<tieboy> HOLY LORD YOU'RE REALLY SLOSHING MY HEAD AROUND IN THE TOILET
<spinn> see there you go
*** Mode change "-m" on #spinnwebe by spinn
<tieboy> wooo!
<spinn> that wasn't so hard was it
<ristoril> i don't see how boobies can be wrong
<tieboy> i think it works quite well
<Drusilla> sure you do, tie
<tieboy> damn. s/TOILET/CRAPPER
*** tieboy has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by spinn (HERE'S SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT)
<ristoril> umm... trip
<spinn> oh, I missed.
<Drusilla> you missed?
*** ristoril has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by spinn (uh, I mean, HERE'S SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT)
*tieboy* CAN WE DISCUSS THIS ONLINE


<mdxi> this is kinda messing with me. i've grown accustomed to 1-2.5 hours of not talking to me_tew and ristoril before other people show up
<mdxi> in my head, we're like the grumpy old men who always eat breakfast in the same restaurant without ever saying anything


<Drusilla> hm. i could change my name to Darlin'
<Drusilla> but then i'd have to become some sort of cowgirl stripper


<SeanQ> guess I didn't miss much yesterday
<CrazyClimber> someone must have said something funny
<CrazyClimber> hm
<CrazyClimber> you might be right
<Bonwag> Two people walk into a bar. One says something, something happens, and a participant offers a witty observation.
<Samwise> A baby seal walks into a club
<keith> An animal walks into a bar. The bartender says something that's funny because of what species the animal is.
<Bonwag> A husband and wife are discussing their respective roles. The male makes a statement, and the female makes a disparaging comment about sexual prowess
<me_tew> Bwahahahaha. I haven't heard that one before, Bon.
<keith> People of three ethnic backgrounds are talking to each other. One says something. Another says something else. The third says something racist about the first person.
<Bonwag> What do you get if you cross something with something else? A third thing which is humourous in comparison to the two things which constitute it.
<keith> A person knowck on a door. Someone else asks who is there. THe knocker responds with their first name. The person answsering the door asks for a surname. The first person responds with a surname that in fact is fake and is the punchline of the joke.
<CrazyClimber> and hey, how about those observational comments?
<Bonwag> How many people of a certain occupation or background does it take to replace a light globe? The number may vary, but must be stated and explained in a way which makes a witty observation about the futility of the whole exercise.
<Samwise> Odd that you all know so much about jokes but aren't funny.
<keith> A teacher is teaching a class. She asks the student a question. One of the students responds with an incorrect answer that either is cute due to his idiocy or funny due to his idiocy.
<SeanQ> guess I'm not missing much today either


<me_tew> Hey, Nashville has its first drive-through funeral home window!
<hockwork> "Would you like fries with the deceased?"


<Craig> Kinda lost touch with all things SW (other than the actual page and Mark's page(s)) but was reading that log of the D&D session and laughed so hard I required professional attention.
<me_tew> Medical, mental, or prostitute?
<Craig> A little from columns a, b, and c


<zompist> reminds me of a guy who wrote to me about his theory that every language had a word for *nose* beginning with n. he thought it was evidence for the tower of babel story.
<mdxiAway> that's a really bizarre thing to latch on to anyway. "nose".
<mdxiAway> why not "ferret" or "postcard"
<raven> Because of all the things we should remember after dismissal by an angry God, it's "nose".
<zompist> i guess god's nose was really impressive.


<zompist> dammit, why are these people sending me their build files?
<zompist> i don't want to build that product! it takes long enough to build our own!
*** CrazyClimber is now known as YourFirstReader
<YourFirstReader> See Zompist build
<YourFirstReader> See Zompist build files.
<YourFirstReader> Build files, Zompist, build!
<zompist> see zompist do little *but* build.
<zompist> on the plus side, i don't hate clearcase near as much as i did when i had to build the main spss product.
<CrazyClimber> mm, i had to use clearcase at another job. i can hate it for the rest of my life.
<CrazyClimber> i don't have a lot of hatred in me, but i don't mind putting aside a little for clearcase on a continuing basis.


<Kyol> cc, you only want to pretend to be shil so you can look at your boobs, and try to lick them and stuff.
<CrazyClimber> well, a lot of geeks can do that without pretending to be shil


<Kyol> OOh, a red letter day in the old diary, not one but _two_ applications for platinum visas came in the mail.
<Elkman> But isn't titanium better now?
* Raven is holding out for uranium visas.
<Elkman> I'd like a helium Visa. The rate just keeps rising.
<CrazyClimber> An oxygen Visa would give me some breathing room.


<zompist> bill gates should adopt elian!
<zompist> actually "elian" kind of sounds like a 100 monkeys name.
<raven> "Lian?" "No, *e*Lian...."


* Raven labels a bunch of floppies.
<CrazyClimber> "USELESS"?


<TomtheFish> fuckity fuck fuck fuck
<TomtheFish> so i get to eat dinner with tom menino and john kerry tonight
<Leth> Good god, they couldn't just give you jail time instead?
<TomtheFish> and the bass player from aerosmith
<TomtheFish> i'm going to go up to him and say "Hey, aren't you in aerosmith?"
<TomtheFish> "ya, i was just in florida. your ride ROCKS!"


<Kyol> Teens use drugs because life is less fucking trippy after you stop watching childrens programming.
<mdxi> i watched Mister Rogers yesterday.
<mdxi> i saw how stop lights are made
<mdxi> and King Friday apologized to Lady Elaine for breaking her favorite toy
<Kyol> That's what I miss about kid tv: How shit is made.
<mdxi> Daniel Striped Tiger is the shit. how can you not get the chicks with a name like that?


<jacquilyn> I'm scared. If mdxi's using windows, there's a real problem.
<mdxi> i'm banned from the sun lab
<mdxi> or else i'd be down there
* Leth sits down
<Leth> oh, this must be a good story
<Elkman> Banned? How did that happen?
<SeanQ> no more chili dinners for you, mdxi
<mdxi> i asked if i could help admin next year
<mdxi> and then proceeded to get into a 2 week flamewar with 2 of the current admins
<mdxi> and the dean of the department
<TomtheFish> and his mother
<mdxi> i'm not really banned, but i certainly don't feel comfortable there anymore


<Lots42> Sex sex sex.
<mdxi> no no no.
<Lots42> Last time I came in here sex was liked.
<mdxi> i do like sex. i was replying to *you* though.


<mdxi> i can't manage to be all superior right now. i'm touching a winbox.
<TMR> Bad touch!


<CrazyClimber> hock, wouldn't you say that mt. dew and ass taste a lot alike?
<hockwork> CC: I'd have to say Mt Dew tastes worse
<hockwork> mt dew is more fizzy, which is probably a plus..
<Leth> I would hope it's more fizzy than as- HEY
<Kyol> Mt. Dew is fizzy?
<Leth> TRYING TO EAT LUNCH HERE
<hockwork> well, its carbonated.
<hockwork> most, if not all ass isn't carbonated
<Kyol> But if you eat enough pop rocks....
<CrazyClimber> it can be fizzy though
<Samwise> fizzy?
<Samwise> I think you typoed 'fuzzy'
<Leth> I bet after a good chimichanga from the mex restaurant I could be carbonated, but you'll never know
<CrazyClimber> FINE SAM I'LL DRAW YOU A PICTURE AND MAIL IT TO YOU
<Samwise> Of a fizzy ass?
* Leth doesn't open photoshop


<spinn> I just saw a commercial for "DermaBond stitch replacement"
<spinn> basically a goop that doctors can use instead of stitches in some cases. but professional use only, so it ends with "ask your emergency room doctor if dermabond is right for you"
<ristoril> probably be the first thing on my mind when i go to the ER
<ristoril> and need stitches
<spinn> I see you have found the heart of my observation
<spinn> well done sir!
<ristoril> well, first comes understanding, then later i expect to be able to make witty contributions
<CrazyClimber> which stage is grief?
<spinn> between the two. except it's ours.
<tieboy> well. you could go to the emergency room for something else, like hamster extraction
<tieboy> and ask then
<spinn> "no, dermabond is not right for you. move your left leg, please."
<raven> "So, doc.... While we're waiting for the hamster forceps... what's this I hear about Dermabond?"
<tieboy> how the hell is an ER doctor gonna know what's right for me? he don't know me? he never seen me before!
<ristoril> Caution: Dermabond may cause lacerations that require stitches
<spinn> oooOOohhh
<spinn> the grief, the grief
<spinn> it consumes me
<CrazyClimber> i'd help you move on to acceptance if i could
<DMLaenker> ristoril: There are some things that are worse than stitches, and stitches are chief among them
<DMLaenker> Um, what are we doing trauma over?
<spinn> oooOOOOOOOoooOOOOooohhhhhh
<spinn> BRING ME ABSINTHE, IT CONSUMES ME
<raven> bahahahah
* raven imagines greg all dressed in black sackcloth, one of those old Italian lady doilies on his head, wailing and beating his breast....
<spinn> in a huge victorian four-poster bed
<ristoril> feverishly clutching a crucifix
* raven watches greg swoon with despair.
<tieboy> carnally


<SeanQ> I'm just to the right of that big red area on the doppler
<CrazyClimber> do you want your remains frozen, or should we do it behind your back?
<SeanQ> why the fuck will I care what you do with my body at that point - just keep hockeyboi away from it
<spinn> "Do this in memory of me." HUFF UFFF URRFF HMMF
<tieboy> "I've almost got sean's head all the way up my ass... damn tailbone ;) ;)"
<spinn> "tomorrow I start my anal training on his femur :)"
<SeanQ> you kow, after that whoel thing blew over, I realized I should've asked him how he could have limitations from his tailbone yet still have no spine
<SeanQ> I always think of the best damn lines after it's too late
<spinn> "maybe someday soon they'll just be bony fingertips and the top of the skull poking out.....sigh SIR will be so pleased :) :)"
<CrazyClimber> do you want your ashes frozen, or should we do it behind your back?
<tieboy> "all i ever wanted was someone to love me and sew me into a rotting laundry sack with some starving feral cats until they need me again :D"
<spinn> "grr...tired of ppl making jokes...i guess its easy to be closed-minded about wanting your dick wrapped around a hair roller and sanding it down with comet...some ppl NEVER grow up :("
<SeanQ> "sex isnt my whole life, I go to hockey games with Sir sometimes - well, it sounds like a hockey game, it's ahrd to tell thru the studded leather hood ;) ;)"
<tieboy> "My dad used to beat the shit out of me and lock me in a suitcase for days, the bastard. SIR beats the shit out of me and locks me i a suitcase for days, I LOVE HIM :) :) :)"
<spinn> "and I see no connection here whatsoever"


<SeanQ> jesus christ - lightning strike right outside
<SeanQ> okay, I think it's finally dangerous enough outside for me to try and run to my car
<tieboy> remember, if lightning strikes you, to stop, drop, jitter, burst into flames, and melt
<SeanQ> in that exact order?
<tieboy> nah, go with what feels right at the time
<SeanQ> I think I might fuck up and jitter before I drop


<Craig> I felt old yesterday when I realized that I've had my license for half my life. Jeez. I can remember what a huge deal that was...
<zompist> who had it for the other half of your life?
<Craig> Some bastard in Poughkipsee, NY. Duel. Shovels. Very nasty business.


<jacquilynne> Happy No Longer Canada Day, Not Quite Independence Day to all.
<Leth> you guys aren't Canada anymore? Finally accepted statehood?
<ristoril> Intermediate Day with Canada Ascendent in Pisces


<spinn> I miss altavista
<Zole> still exists.
<spinn> yeah, but they pissed me off enough that I don't bother going back
<Zole> What pissed you off?
<spinn> 24,000 ad popups per search
<Zole> there's that.
<Zole> also the fact that it has really dumb integrated ads
<Zole> search for eugenics, you get lines like "Buy "Eugenics" at Amazon.com!"
<Zole> or "Comparison shop for eugenics"
<raven> well, you don't want some shady fly-by-night company doing your genocide, zole.
<Drusilla> actually, wouldn't you?
<Drusilla> they'd fold and there'd be no connection to you.
<spinn> they'd probably take your money and just make people itchy
<Zole> No, they'd fold and spill the beans at their bankruptcy hearings
<Drusilla> whereas at Genocide Inc. they keep detailed records. and you'd be in big trouble


<sol-D> I also had a year of chorus. the teacher took pit yon me because the rest of the class was eithe rin it or band...
<raven> heh "Just sing very, very quietly...."
<MisterQ> Yeah, I started taking latin after my violin was confiscated by dolphins as a deadly weapon to their kind
<sol-D> "stand in the coner and don't move"
<MisterQ> "Can you just mouth the words?"
<MisterQ> "How about you show me your impression of a fish? What does a fish do? Open and close its mouth, just like that! Perfect"


<spinn> sol could probably fit in schumin's anus up to her waist
<zompist> i bet she couldn't!
<zompist> i bet you FIVE DOLLARS!
<spinn> mmyuhhuh!
* spinn holds out his pinky
<sol-D> I have a large head and wide shoulders
<sol-D> it wouldn't work
<spinn> beheh
<spinn> and here I thought there wasn't any way that line could be made any worse
<mdxi> here's a picture of the roadcone. here's me at walmart, buying the 23 tubes of KY i calculated as needed (actually 22.831). here's me checking out. here's be back home lubing the cone. here's me pre-lubing myself by squeezing in 2 tubes of good ol' KY. here's me warming up with a large MAGLITE...brrr that knurled aluminum is cold!
<zompist> i was picturing the other way, as well
<spinn> I was just picturing you stomping on his prostate like it was a vat of grapes
<zompist> eeeewwww, barefoot?
<hockeyfag> mdxi: this your fantasy live journal? or a Ben Schumin story?
<spinn> hfag.c: if ($mdxi_talk) then its_about_sex($mdxi_text);
<sol-D> Oh, well, if I'm going into his anus it's involuntarily.
<sol-D> kicking and screaming
<Drusilla> i should hope so.
<zompist> wouldn't you do it to settle a bet?
<Drusilla> how much is the bet?
<zompist> $5
<Freyja> kicking and screaming is good, adds to the mood... Can you also talk dirty?
<sol-D> I can talk about how to set plaster.
<zompist> in schumin's anus?
<sol-D> Yes.
<zompist> i'm going to add that to fortune cookies now
<sol-D> he'll have to keep a fan on for a few days.
<spinn> yeah, kicking and screaming is good, sol. cut off your nails and tie a rope around your waist and you could be his own personal hamster
<tieboy> don't forget to shave
<zompist> in schumin's anus
<sol-D> Oh no, I already cut off my nails! I don' wanna go in schumin's butt.
<zompist> just halfway in
<spinn> there's an amusing.org entry for you
<spinn> "I don't wanna go in Schumin's butt!"
<tieboy> I want to be debbie
<sol-D> I wouldn't even peek inside.
<Drusilla> I don't want to be in the same state.
<Drusilla> 'cos that's also where my grandma is, and i owe her money.
<zompist> even if there was something shiny inside?
<sol-D> No.
<zompist> really, really shiny.
<Drusilla> there's shinier things outside
<Drusilla> like dignity.
* mdxi imagines schumin giving annie sprinkle style speculum shows; dies of cardiopulmonary lockup
<sol-D> even if he had a guitar signed by John Flansburgh shoved up in there
<Drusilla> and this tiara
<zompist> what if he had an entire tmbg stage show inside?
<sol-D> then I pray for the fans.
<zompist> and they were playing a song you'd never heard before?
<zompist> a song NAMED AFTER YOU?
<sol-D> hehe. Thursday, August First in SCHUMIN'S BUTT!!!
<sol-D> Oh, well, I'd sit next to him. "in the parking lot"
* Drusilla shudders
<sol-D> and then bug for autographs after
<sol-D> I already have a song named after me, anyway. it's called "Andrea is a stupid bitch"
<Drusilla> after they showered?
<Drusilla> right sol? showered?
<sol-D> Yes.
<sol-D> or maybe if they had plastic suits like those little intel guys
<zompist> oh, let's not be silly. people with big suits on couldn't fit in there.
<spinn> schumin would just pray for Cowtown


<tieboy> i don't see why they need to give dwarves bad teeth
<tieboy> they're not mining for sugar
<sol-D> but they have to nibble through all of that rock candy
<zompist> jorie could give them some pointers on that


<tieboy> this sucks. i'm not even in a position to rag on ben
<spinn> you're sounding like sol, here
<tieboy> i didn't say I wouldn't
<tieboy> just that i'm not in a position to
<spinn> ben's milieu goes beyond mere unemployment
<SeanQ> qwell, you're legitimately trying to find a job, that puts you one-up
<SeanQ> your bed isn't inflatable, there's two
<spinn> next you're going to say you're more pathetic than ben, and that hiway is dreeeamy
<rJak> He isn't?
<spinn> okay, next rjak is gonna say it


<zompist> ooh, that reminds me, i was reading about a game that would work well online
<zompist> no, it's a party game. one person leaves the room, the rest of them devise a dream, the guy returns and guesses the content of the dream by asking yes/no questions, and is then allowed to psychoanalyze the dream
<Lore> This party sucks.
<keith> Yeah, who's wearing the lampshade?
<Samwise> Do you attend many parties?
<Drusilla> did the guy leave the room to get beer and drugs?
<Lore> Okay, let me turn off smartass shit mode.
<Lore> Uh.
<DnaError> This is why all of zomp's parties end in shame and cheap vodka
<Lore> I'm not really getting how this is intended to be fun, Mark.
<keith> The fun part is that the guy gets to leave the party for a while.


<wabewalkr> I'm sick of the Bear Test.
<Lore> When you're sick of the bear test, you're sick of life.
<wabewalkr> The only joy is when I get somebody really pissed and I get hate mail.
<Lore> Oh, it's on your PAGE!
<wabewalkr> "I don't care what the water represents! I'm not sexually repressed!"
<Lore> Now I see.
<wabewalkr> That's why I live in fear of Tieboy.
<spinn> I. What?
<Lore> Maybe I should go more droll. "You are about to have sex. Describe the sex. That represents how you feel about sex."
<wabewalkr> Heh.
<wabewalkr> I like that.
<wabewalkr> Subtext without the subtext.
<Lore> And games without frontiers.
<mdxi> doctors without borders
<wabewalkr> spam without shame.
<Lore> parents without partners
<Mia_D> porn without payment
<Lore> Within you without you


<Lore> Hi, Jacqui. You see a body of water in front of you. Describe it.
<jacquilynne> Hi, Lore, the body of water is crystal clear yet running quickly.
<spinn> I thought it was choppy on the surface and filled with shame
<wabewalkr> What, no rapids? No salmon bravely fighting thier way upstream?
<jacquilynne> He asked fo ra description of the water.
<jacquilynne> You want wildlife, you pay extra.
<raven> I bet.


<Samwise> malloc: go thither! http://home.us.net/~stimpy/OwMyAss/fucking_stop_already.mpeg
<spinn> I thought you two broke up
<jacquilynne> Apparently he got the mpeg in the divorce.
<Samwise> It's public domain by now.
<spinn> oh, so we legally have to call it "sam's mpeg" now?


<spinn> oh, and your elfstar bit in the martha stewart dealie brought malloc here
<spinn> so you are now responsible for him
<jacquilynne> Unless you can get Dodge to come and vouch for him.
<Lore> I thought malloc was a pre-existing condition.
<malloc> nope, before malloc there were no pointers, just void.
<spinn> and God said, #define LIGHT;
<malloc> well, it was Lore's bit that brought me here, but it was Samwise's mpeg that made me STAY.


<spinn> man, another pair of kids toasted in a car
<spinn> article is really enjoying making this lady look like the worst kind of heartless bitch
<Lore> The kind that won't sleep with you?


<jacquilynne> I'm so jealous. How come Lots never complains about me?
<spinn> well, this is a step up for him, jacq. for months it was all me, or anonymous messages that certainly must have been me
<spinn> then we moved up to people who are pawns of me
<spinn> now that he actually perceives us as separate people, I think he's ready to hold the sippy cup by himself


<spinn> gah
<spinn> howcanthismeananythingtome, we're prejudiced against long names here
<spinn> just ask angry_midget_monkey_pimp
<howcanthismeananythingtome> OK, Ok
<DnaError> or Terribly_fashionable_Viking
<ristoril> nickometer howcanthismeananythingtome
<jeeb> 'howcanthismeananythingtome' is 0% lame, ristoril
*** howcanthismeananythingtome is now known as schism
<spinn> ahhhhh
<spinn> ahhhhhhhh
<DnaError> soothing, refreshment
<spinn> relief washes over me like a cool, refreshing river
<Leth> it's as if a weighty burden was lifted from my screen


<Leth> then there's things like this: http://geekdroppings.tripod.com/Comp4.swf
<Kyol> unnnngh
<Samwise> Fucker. I was enjoying lunch.
<spinn> beheheh
<Leth> which only serve to place people into the fetal position under their desks waiting for the End Of Days
* jacquilynne elects not to click on the link.
<spinn> you could push q-tips directly straight into those nostrils
<Leth> I want credit for that victim
<Samwise> "See, it's not the best picture of me, because I had the flu." Oh, that strain that makes you not shave or wash your face and renders you unable to close your mouth for a moment, gotcha.
<spinn> it's the flu that makes you take pictures, download them to your computer, look at them, upload them to a site, post them on your page, and tell people it's there
<Leth> and then complain that it's not really what you look like
<spinn> doctors call it the Dumbfuck Strain
<Samwise> incurable. But at least the symptoms are easy to recognize at a distance.
<Leth> and look for sympathy on Fark because people photoshop it
<spinn> nah, leth, that's just a side effect of the Ultram
<Leth> oh, ok
<spinn> mixed with banana daquiri
<spinn> "doctor, can I take these with alcohol?" "only if it's a girly drink."
<Samwise> listed on the box: "May cause drowsiness, headaches, an urge to seek sympathy from the least likely sources, and loose stools"
<Leth> heh, on one of those bacon-stuffers' journals or on USENET he gets into this big discussion on how mixing liquor with painkillers is actually a good thing, they just put that on drug labels to be assholes
<spinn> gah!
<spinn> man
<spinn> to think his opinion of me once bugged me
<Kyol> We can only hope he deopresses his body into a coma.
<Samwise> Kyol: couple more bacon double cheeseburgers ought to do it.
<Kyol> baaaaaaaaacooooooooon!
<Lore> Fark photoshopped Lots?
<Samwise> We wish.
<Leth> well, he also needs to stop going to doctors in Florida. I happened to mention to a doctor friend of mine that Lots was on Vicodin and Ultram for migraines, and his response was to ask if the doctor was in jail yet


<spinn> you people gotta teach me to be more assoholic
<Kyol> There's nothing that can be done.
<Kyol> oh nothing indeed.
<Lore> Christ, how could we teach you to be more assholic?
<Lore> I think what you actually want, Greg, is someone to teach you how to quell that little pang of guilt you still get when you're assholic.
<Leth> Angst-Free Dickishness
<spinn> no, it's a different thing
<spinn> 'cos this event in particular was about lots lying about me, and then me feeling kinda bad still for telling him to leave
<Leth> man, spinn without angst is like summer without heat
<Samwise> Everything I Need To Know About Being A Royal Prick I Learned From Agent_Orange
<spinn> it's more about understand when someone's no longer worth my effort
<Lore> Oh, okay.
* Lore clears throat.
<Lore> What, hold on.
<Lore> When WAS he worth your effort?
<spinn> like, the mcyukkies thing, I felt like crap about that for a while, but ...mm, that's not a pain I'd want to be without
<spinn> I cut him slack for a long time
<spinn> same goes for dodge and kemlo for that matter
<Samwise> We're just waiting for the other shoe to drop with zomp.
<Leth> actually, I don't think I could get to Agt's level without feeling something akin to remorse
<DnaError> agt is above us mere mortals. Uberruffiani
<Lore> Is Dodge officially persona non spinnwebe? I thought he just got tired of us?
<spinn> the latter is true
<Samwise> Last time I saw him, he left in Huff v3.0
<spinn> I mean my feeling about him. apparently I gather I held respect for him much longer than was necessary
<Lore> Eh. I don't disrespect him, but maybe there's something going on of which I'm not aware.
<ristoril> just one thing?
<Lore> Heh.
<spinn> well, actually I guess it was that dumbass parody he made that pushed me over
<spinn> which just happened to come at a fragile time for me
<spinn> don't recall why now, though
<Lore> Your tea roses had aphids.
<DnaError> "My tea cozy is frayed! All will perish!"
<ristoril> i thought we called them cunts now
<Lore> I actually went to high tea for my birthday. Very much it was fun.
<Lore> Although I didn't know whether to put my cunt in my lap or leave it covering the spoon rest.
<ristoril> when in doubt, the cunt goes on the lap


<Mikki> gotta go, bye.
*** Mikki has left #spinnwebe
<spinn> looking forward to your next "hi"
<ristoril> the life of a shut in sure seems to be demanding
<ristoril> i mean, taking my 85-95% slackass life as a baseline
<DnaError> There are angry letteres to write,people to scowl at, bombs to prepare
<spinn> guess she has to keep combing the carpet fringe or mommy gets mad
<Lore> Sure. There's the ordering pizza. The rocking back and forth. The masturbating to visions of Winona Ryder.
<Lore> Is she a teenager?
<spinn> 18
<ristoril> if i can do that and still maintain a healthy adult life, she can too
<Lore> Good enough.
<spinn> for?
<ristoril> sellin'
<jacquilynne> I'm totally baffled by an 18 year old who can't cross a road.
<jacquilynne> And I'd add, she's clarified tht not only is she not allowed to cross it, she can't walk along side it.
<Lore> Eh. Call it a paranoid fantasy. I don't care for the idea of being called out for discussing moose colons and sex with defibrillators with a 15-year-old on the channel.
<jacquilynne> I mean, christ, what are her parents going to do if she sneaks out one sunny afternoon and crosses the street? Ground her?
<jacquilynne> Like that'll make a fucking difference.
<Lore> A difference in what sense?
<jacquilynne> I mean, given what she's told us about her life, being grounded and not being grounded would be much the same state of affairs.
<spinn> maybe she loses bathroom privileges
<Lore> Oh, that.
<Lore> I thought you were saying that it makes no difference whether my smut talk takes place around minors.
<jacquilynne> I wouldn't know about that, Lore, whether you share smut with teenagers is a moral decision for you and your local law enforcement officers.
<spinn> and how is it I've missed the defibrillator sex


<Lore> Hey, how does your semen taste?
<Leth> they call him Greg Macintosh
<DnaError> like vanila coke, but without the vanilla or coke
<Lore> Of the Boston Macintoshes?
<Leth> and not for the computers he uses
<spinn> I dunno.
<spinn> and I'm entirely out of my odd openness phase
<Lore> Awwwwwwwww.
<Lore> Now we'll never know.
<spinn> you'll have to get back to me when saturn is ascendant in taurus
<Leth> man...so no new pictures of spinn in his natural habitat?
<ristoril> you've seen one unwashed pasty caffeine addict, you've seen them all
<Lore> What if you see a bunch of them?
<Lore> What if you work with them?
<Leth> pfft... I see one every time I look in the mirror, so it doesn't bother me


<Lore> CHRIST MY EYES WHY DID YOU PASTE THAT BOB?
<Lore> Oh, sorry.
<Lore> I was looking at the wrong window.
<CrazyClimber> GUIs are hard
<Samwise> Let's go shopping!


<CrazyClimber> also, headline on chicago tribune's web site: "12,000 to get Alzheimer's drug refunds"
<CrazyClimber> best part is, it will be a surprise to most of them


*** lunchrist is now known as ristoril
<spinn> ah, the savior of Lun has returned
<ristoril> i come bringing tidings of *burp*
<raven> "I died so that your sins may be forgiven. Yours. yes, you by the punch bowl. Lun, isn't it?"
<ristoril> i took some bread, broke it, and passed it to Lun. I said, "eat me"
<mdxi> Do Me In Remembrance Of This
<spinn> your own. personal. ristoril.
* raven shudders.


<Kyol> TMI moment for Lots: Apparently, he doesn't look at his toilet paper after he wipes, he just _knows_ when it's clean.
<Kyol> *shudder*
<Lore> Most people examine their used toilet paper?
<Kyol> Well, not so much as examine it, no.
<SeanQ> you look at your dirty toilet paper, you dink?
<Kyol> But, you know, casually glance at it in the "All clean" sort of sense.
<Lore> No, that's the point!
<Lore> Hrm.
<Lore> Okay.
<Lore> STARTING OVER.
<tieboy> so where's the damn lots page already?
<Lore> 1) You are telling me that Lots does NOT examine toilet paper once he's used it.
<Kyol> s/examine/even look at/
<Lore> 2) You are telling me that you do.
<mdxi> i just waddle out to the yard and hose down
<Down10> What's the concensus over looking at your wipes? Okay or not okay?
<ristoril> well, *I* don't like to have big brown stains on my undergarments
<ristoril> and i don't want to wipe myself raw
<tieboy> how else do you know when you're done?
<ristoril> tieboy: apparently, if you're lore, when you see blood in the water
<Lore> If it ain't clean after three passes, it ain't gonna get clean.
<tieboy> it might get clean on the 4th pass
<SeanQ> if you wipe more than thrice, you're playing with yourself
<Lore> Apparently I'm eating less tar than y'all.
<SeanQ> tie, just make sure one of the choices is "You have someione else examine your toilet paper for you"
<Lore> Maybe this is why I like poop jokes less than most of my peers. I haven't spent as much of my life staring at it.
<Down10> This is why toilet paper is stark white, instead of paper bag brown
<Kyol> Yeah, that occurred to me for Lots. "MAAAAAAAAAA! C'mere and look at my toidey paper!"
<SeanQ> "MAAAAAH! I sure like corn!!"
<Lore> I mean, I check the bowl out before I flush to make sure I haven't expelled any blood or lizards...
<Kyol> You regularly pass lizards?
<Lore> No, which is why I want to know if I start.
<Kyol> Good reason.
<Kyol> So, you're like Rimmer, then Lore?
<Kyol> Up, down, and spit-shine?
<Lore> No, I use more than one sheet per pass.
<Lore> You all realize that now that you all know my toilet habits I'm going to have to go out and make new friends.


<tieboy> Thong-checking administrator demoted
<Samwise> That's sad.
<Samwise> Unless demoted is how the press say "transferred to teaching special ed in Nome, Alaska"
<tieboy> "I'm a thong-checking administrator! It's my title! I was just doing my job!"
<Lore> Sure, that's what the Thong-Checking SS Stormtroopers said.
<Lore> Die Zapfen-Kontrolleure


<Down10> I'm assuming you had no such luck, tie
<tieboy> I've had as much luck as a thing that has little or no luck
<tieboy> only less
<Down10> So on the scale of fortune, you're just above "crippled Somalian"
<mdxi> but just below "hooker having sex with Andrew Lloyd Weber"
<Lore> "One thing I'll say for them, hookers are cooooooool."
<Kyol> ow. ow. ow. feta in the sinuses.


<zompist> "i feel pretty" is kind of your theme song, right?
<Kyol> Nah, doesn't work with the goatee.
<Kyol> or van dyke or whatever the fuck it is.
<zompist> something with dyke in it, for sure


<jacquilynne> Also, since the driver's licence renewal place is in the same plaza as the Corning Rever outlet, I bought myself lots of new things for my kitchen. Since I was there already, anyway.
<CrazyClimber> hope you got one of those "safety" can openers
<jacquilynne> No, though, my current can opener is due for replacement.
<Mikki> my can opener sucks
<jacquilynne> Your parents let you have a can opener?
<mdxi> yeah really
<Mikki> they have to if they want me to cook dinner
<mdxi> those are SHARP
<Mikki> no mine's pretty dull
<mdxi> it could cut it's widdle fing-fing
<tieboy> i just use a screwdriver to poke a hole, then suck out the contents
<Mikki> oh for the love of God
<tieboy> if you've never shotgunned canned pear-halves, well, you just haven't lived
<tieboy> widdle. fing-fing.
<Kyol> different. nuprin.
<mdxi> have boo-boo.
<mdxi> did you know that the same Bayer AG chemist who isolated salicyclic acid (asprin) also isolated heroin?
<tieboy> duh
<tieboy> who doesn't know that
<mdxi> small children in the rain forests of indonesia probably don't
<CrazyClimber> that's two different levels of boo-boos he was trying to help
<zompist> otoh, children in the rain forest can have sex at 14, so it all evens out


<Mikki> there was just a car accident outside my window
<mdxi> maybe you should call 911. or is the devilphone verboten?
<zompist> now's your chance! run out and ask them to adopt you
<me_tew> Did they get boo-boos on their fing-fings?
<mdxi> so you're trapped at home all day with a cable modem as your only access to the outside world.
<Mikki> yep
<CrazyClimber> after years of hypnosis, her hand burns when she touches the devilphone


<Freyja> I suggested changing the editorial direction and shifting the paradigm from "writing" to "goth midget porn".
<Freyja> what do you think, dru? Know any midgets who could perform for cheap?
<Freyja> you'd definitely make more money
<Drusilla> mm... no.
<Drusilla> i was thinking... monkeys.
<Drusilla> or packing peanuts
<Freyja> monkeys always sell well too.
<zompist> goths get too much press as it is. what about the alemanni? the thuringians? the hsiung-nu?


<ristoril> someone really should point mr-ben (or one of his cadre of 'rebels') to it heh
<Lore> Ben has a cadre?
<Leth> that's a nice euphemism for "voices"


<me_tew> How's married life so far?
<shil> great! :)
<me_tew> And he's enjoying it too?
<shil> yep :)
<zompist> no regrets?
<shil> none at all :)
<zompist> stomach-ache from too much cake, champagne, and other interesting substances?
<shil> there was too much going on to really eat much, the church didn't allow alcohol, and I stopped doing all interesting substances last year.
<shil> well.. right now, it's mello yello and reeses puffs cereal.
<shil> i'm boring and uninteresting now.
<CrazyClimber> geez, i bet you aren't even interested in selling your underwear to strangers on the internet anymore
<shil> nope. heh
<CrazyClimber> well, we'll always have the memories
<Samwise> and the .jpgs


<CrazyClimber> are you like a fundie now or something?
<shil> no, just... settled.
<me_tew> "married"
<CrazyClimber> whew. some people just get it out of their systems, but some overcompensate and find the Lawd.
<Samwise> *sniff* all grown's up.
<me_tew> "out of circulation"
<Leth> "no longer purchasing dairy"


<Lore> Better yet, I think, would be a "stop getting songs stuck in your head" pill.
<Lore> You find yourself humming "Runaround" a little too long, pop a pill.
<Samwise> Or, just something you could listen to that'd "erase" any song currently in your head...
<Samwise> ...much like sorbet is used to cleanse the palate.
<CrazyClimber> ah, i was wondering if maybe that was why spinn wants his manjuice to be apple-flavored.
<Lore> He wants apple come in order to erase music memories?
<ristoril> i thought he wanted to market it as a condiment
<Lore> "You want Spinnjizz with that? How many packets?"
<CrazyClimber> i got this second-hand, so i defer either to the original source (who is here now) or to him himself.
<Samwise> You know, I make it a point to refuse secondhand jizz.
<Samwise> Or firsthand, for that matter.
<Lore> Thirdhand or later, that's for you.
<CrazyClimber> with a nearly completely checked routing list on the container
<Samwise> Well, by the time it gets to the third hand, it's barely recognizable as spooge anymore. And difficult to pass along.
<Lore> Wait. Is firsthand jizz your own jizz, or would that be zerothhand?
<Samwise> one moment... (urph ooph hurf)
<CrazyClimber> apparently we're all thinking about that quite a bit
<Leth> I, for one, am not


<SeanQ> Collette scored the 95 on the temp test?
<Lore> Yeah.
<SeanQ> and you're still with her?!?
<Lore> What can I say, I like women who know when and how to lie like a vertiable motherfucker.


<zompist> ok, go ahead, try to seduce me!
<ristoril> hey, baby.
<zompist> NEXT!
<Lore> Mark, I want to soil you as I have soiled many a warm canteloupe.
<Freyja> O Zompiste, votre beau gros cerveau palpitant de connaissances linguistiques me rend toute chaude.
<zompist> freyja moves easily into first place. i'm all woozy.
<Kyol> Oh, sure, bring _frog_ into it, frey.
<Lore> Um. Uh.
<Freyja> no way, Lore's cantaloupe trumps French any day
<Lore> t'CHalk mnEq Duq'halh hKeh, Zompist.
<me_tew> I though soiled cantaloupe _was_ a French dish.


<Lore> This sucks so much dick, you could write a jump rope rhyme about it, in which the question "How many dicks does this animation suck?" is asked, and answered by counting the number of times the rope-jumper successfully jumps the rope, and you would NEVER get to the actual, true level of dick-suck that this animation reaches.


<CrazyClimber> half the time i swear he's lots
*** DnaError has joined #spinnwebe
<raven> speaking of.
<DnaError> what?
<DnaError> was I being discussed?
<SeanQ> of course you were
<SeanQ> you weren't here
<CrazyClimber> which part of your body was burning?
<DnaError> my upper arms
<SeanQ> I don't think anyone hd that in the pool.... that mean the money carries over until the next time he joins?
<zompist> no, half goes to the get-'em-laid fund
<CrazyClimber> there's a lot more competition for that fund than there used to be
<mdxi> i'd hate to be on the grant committee
<Freyja> which is now up to a couple dimes, an ass-penny and a few Lemonheads. Someone throw in a crack rock and we can get Down a woman.


<raven> So who the hell is Morwen?
<KemloCaesar> The name sounds vaguely Tolkienesque...
<kaufman> or Arthurian
<KemloCaesar> Well, Tolkienesque can be considered a subset of Arthurian.
<KemloCaesar> Good god, you're right. I really *do* sound like that.
<raven> Welcome to Name That Startling Self-revelation!
* SeanQ is blinded by the lightbulb glowing over Kemlo's head


<Lots42> Anyone moving in on Gabby would get their ass kicked by Xena.
<Lots42> I love subtext.
<Leth> subtext? bullshit...you obviously missed the episode where they were bathing each other
<Kyol> ...you mean friends don't bathe friends?
<tieboy> drunk
<Leth> I think that's the /only/ way I'd bathe my male friends, thank you
<Leth> actually, I wonder if I could stay alive with the amount of alcohol it would take to get me drunk enough to bathe a male
<tieboy> You could use that car washer thing, the mop on the end of a stick
*** CrazyClimber is now known as DocLeth
<DocLeth> Bring him to me for bathing!


* Elkman kicks E*Trade thoroughly in the shins
<tieboy> that'll be $8
<Elkman> They don't even have my user name and password working. They can't bill me.
<kaufman> they can /always/ bill you
<KemloCaesar> They could bill someone else at random, to compensate.
* Elkman sends tieboy $8 just to get him off his back


* Leth tries to remember the lameass character from Spiderman who had really pointy shoes... Tarantula?
<KemloCaesar> Yeah, that's him.
<KemloCaesar> They had poison tips.
<zompist> poison tip: don't drink any!
<kaufman> zomp, that's what the waitresses at the Assassins' Guild Cantina get
<zompist> there's a few servers who deserve that kind of tip.
<zompist> starting with the actor wannabes...
<Leth> I just remember thinking that he was a cop out for Stan Lee... "We need a new scary villain." <ponder ponder> "Um, one with, um, pointy shoes?"
<KemloCaesar> Eventually, he got zapped by a Plot Device, and became a grotesque tarantula-creature.
<KemloCaesar> Not just *pointy* shoes - *spiked* shoes.
<Kyol> So, like, someone put zome vodka in them? I don't get it.
<kaufman> is that from the makers of Zima?
<tieboy> zima. it zucks
<zompist> did the zima people go on to make orbitz?
<samwise> Yes. Their theory is that "z" makes things sound good.
<kaufman> unfortunately, it does nothing for the taste
<Kyol> Orbitz: Overly sweet fruit juice with PHLEGM!
<zompist> hmm. so k is funny, but z is tasty?
<tieboy> pleasure? seizure? boredom?
<samwise> In theory.
<zompist> like, er, zucchini?


<Leth> y'know, I didn't even think of referring her to the Gift List when she was asking about Kyol's b-day earlier
<Leth> I think a big bag o' butt hairs would make a GREAT gift for him
<samwise> Heh. We could make a special order of say, HF's butthairs. IN a nice lacy throw pillow.
<samwise> I nominate anyone but me to collect them.


<Morwen> I think someone's going to macrame butt hairs for you for your birthday Kyol.
<samwise> Shhh, Morwen!


<tieboy> Well, the discussion of great 17th century medical innovators was going nowhere
<KemloCaesar> Tie - what do you think of William Harvey's proof of the circulation of the blood?
<KemloCaesar> Or Cowper's discovery of the seminal glands?
<rJak> Cowper's what?
<mdxi> i thought cowper's glands were what snakes smelled with
<tieboy> See, not much better than the butthair discussion, if you get right down to it
<KemloCaesar> No, that's Jacobson's Organ.
<samwise> Cowper's gland. Makes spooge.
<mdxi> or was that cooper's ligament?
<mdxi> no, coopers make barrels
<mdxi> barrels of light north sea crude
<mdxi> which describes this channel perfectly
* mdxi plays word association with himself
<KemloCaesar> If you keep doing that, you'll go dyslexic.
<Leth> hey, that's a pretty non-blatant euphemism'
<mdxi> "Cooper's Ligament", by the way, is what holds boobs up.
<Leth> hooray! back to boobies!


<Sephiroth> GOD, you people are evil.
<KemloCaesar> ... and you just now realized this?


<LJ-atwork> dammit. with everyone using eachother's nicks, I have no idea if I'm sending my netsex messages to the right people
<Leth> no, you aren't LJ, and I /won't/ tickle your yoni while singing HMS Pinafore songs
<zompist> LJ, I'm flattered, but I'm allergic to horses.
<kaufman> I went through 12 nicks, and didn't once hit the jackpot :(


<mdxi> <zompist> Hey, my body's all warm! Which one of you sick fuckers has been walking around in it?
<Leth> it wouldn't lety you anyhow, unless he was off-server
<kaufman> kemlo, is that you in Leth's body?
<TMR> My body was nice and cool.
<TMR> 'course, keeping a rotting pig's head in it will discourage other people.


<mdxi> cdrom performance on my laptop is abyssimal
<mdxi> what the hell is the use of a 24x cdrom if it can't *reliably* move data at any speed?
<Leth> you catch the errors three times as fast as with an 8X
<mdxi> spinup burst spindownup burst burst spindown halthalthalt spinup burst
<zompist> that was an impression of greg breakdancing! put your hands together for shawn boynette!
<Samwise> Bursting in clubs is now outlawed in IL
<rJak> Why? Too dangerous?
<Leth> too messy
* tieboy puts one hand together, listens


<AMMP> we had a stain on out chalkboard in the woodworking room in high school after some kid slit his wrist on a band saw
<AMMP> just thought i'd share
<agent_orange> was his name Jaqui?
<AMMP> yeah
<agent_orange> can't give that girl a buttered bun without fatalities
<AMMP> these amateurs.. ya gotta slash with the grain
<agent_orange> got her a bucket from Quebeci Fried Moose once, over to Moosenee
<agent_orange> Whole school bus, all dead
<Drusilla> christ, agto...
<agent_orange> gravy everywhere
<agent_orange> well, mostly on her
<agent_orange> The Lancet carried the story about the time she tried to reach into the can for the last pringle
<AMMP> are conversations always so free flowing here or all you all quiet on my behalf?
<Drusilla> agto is scaring us.
<spinn> we generally don't go on if we don't have anything to say
<raven> sssssh, agt is spinning a story!


<Freyja> awww... puppies AND a violated Pokemon. It's like Christmas without all the boring Jesus stuff


<GhostCoder> Subject: women want bigger penises, get yours now
<GhostCoder> Get what? Woman or penis?
<ristoril> either way, you win
<GhostCoder> Good point.
<Samwise> Dammit, now I'm all looking at cute kitten pictures.
<Freyja> little fuckers are hard to resist. That's how they get you. Next thing you know you have 4 of them and they RULE YOUR LIFE!!!
<Samwise> Yeah. Trouble is when they grow up and are less cute.
<Freyja> kittens are evil. Just say no.
<Kyol> And putting the catnip _in_ the little ball ring thing was the best idea _ever_.
<Freyja> well, say awwww, then say no
<Samwise> But... I *wub* da widdle kitties...
<Kyol> With a little bit of garlic butter, they're dyn-o-mite.
<CrazyClimber> penises or women, kyol?


<Lore> Well, I'm going to put up a new update every weekday.
<DnaError> you have to be funny every day now.
<Leth> not necessarily. He could be thought-provoking
<GhostCoder> Provocative
<DnaError> SEXY
<CrazyClimber> show us some leg, lore!
<me_tew> Calvin Klein's Lore.
<Samwise> "there is no scent so luxurious... so refined... so seductive... as that of a huge Swede."
<ristoril> <husky female voice> I long for the scent of the fjords


<spinnPA> oh, right. lore, I'm obsessing on the little extra line artifacts you have in your "more ____" graphics under each feature
<spinnPA> the "more" graphics have a light line on the right and bottom
<Lore> They do?
<spinnPA> they do
<Lore> Huh, yeah, I guess they do.
<Lore> Boy, I never noticed before.
<Lore> That's on purpose.
<Lore> I mean, uh.
<Lore> I guess I'll have to fix that.
<Lore> Well, so much for Updated Every Weekday.
<Lore> If there's no update tomorrow, blame SPINN.


<Freyja> all this disgusting crotch talk is making me hungry


<SeanQ> heheh, CC, the caption should read "How do the Astros get away with those roadies? those socks *t8taooy* clash with those pants!"
<SeanQ> whoah.....
<SeanQ> I think I slipped into Klingon there
<CrazyClimber> apparently you've learned aborigine, sean
<SeanQ> *totally*
<Freyja> wow. That /was/ an impressive typo. How in hell did the 8 slip in there?
<SeanQ> from the asterisk, I guess, frey
<SeanQ> i should just pretend I sneezed or had an epileptic seizure, but that was all me


<SeanQ> rist, you found that site that will send you 250 business cards for $5 shipping?
<SeanQ> someone sent me the link the other day, I just filled it out this morning
<ristoril> my company will get them for me for free
<SeanQ> oh, vistaprint.com will print some for you for free with whatever you want for copy
<SeanQ> you can hand them out to guys in bars
<Leth> lucky for you
<SeanQ> mine are gonna say "Sean Reynolds / Numismatist'
<SeanQ> always wanted a card like that
<Samwise> "Sean Reynolds / Varmint"
<Leth> "Sean Reynolds / Smellmeister"
<Freyja> do you really collect coins or whatever it is a numismatist does? or you just think coin/whatever collectors are cool?
<Freyja> either way, you're fucked up
<SeanQ> the first thing
<me_tew> "Sean Reynolds / Yeah, I invented that wrap stuff"
<SeanQ> and we'll print yours 'Freyja / Mistress of the Obvious'
<Freyja> oh, that stings. Coin fag.
<Samwise> "Stinky Pete / Coin Fag"
<SeanQ> hey, I made good money in college buying stuff at estate sales and reselling it to dealers and I bet never did anything like that well then you can never understand me so just fuck off okay?
<SeanQ> and I prefer 'Numismaflit'
<Samwise> Yeah, well, my dog once ran away and I was realy sad and you'll never understand me so fuck off kthxplz
<SeanQ> "You won't *believe* what I'll do for the right nickel!"


<Samwise> raise your hand whoever cares about what the fuck law is being passed wherever the hell me_tew is from
* ristoril raises his hand
<Drusilla> you're in the same state.
<me_tew> Shil would raise her hand if she were here.
<me_tew> If it wasn't busy, that is.
<ristoril> yeah well us retarts gotta stick together


<ristoril> so what, they voted but they aren't counting the vote?
<me_tew> Yep.
<ristoril> heh
<me_tew> Not official until the Speaker tells the Clerk to record the vote.
<ristoril> "do over!"
<ristoril> so what, he can just keep calling for votes
<CrazyClimber> wow. if only there were another channel, one with legislative updates.
<ristoril> if only there were another channel, one for naps and false teeth
<Samwise> or coffee spoons, and T.S.Eliot
<ristoril> baseball bats and anal training
<me_tew> Whiskers on kittens and warm woolen mittens
<Samwise> ..or we could run with *that* song...
<Samwise> o/~ getting a hardon while I'm at confession / knowing that semen is good for digestion / tying my balls up with used tampon strings / these are a few of my favorite things... o/~


<SeanQ> dunno if you need the cookie or not, but here is the business card I made earlier today:
<SeanQ> so freyja, who's the fag *now*, huh?
<SeanQ> er, wait, that'd stil be me, wouldn't it... nemmind
<Freyja> well, you /do/ show a definite eye for color and layout... and used the word "serviced"
<Freyja> you're not helping your case here
<ristoril> i have a want list
<ristoril> IN MY PANTS
<CrazyClimber> pretty soon, i'm going to be the last straight man in here
<SeanQ> that's not a want list, that's your purity test
<SeanQ> with five checkmarks on it in red crayon
<ristoril> i'll have you know i spent two semesters purposefully lowering my purity test score
<ristoril> it's down to like 95 now


<ristoril> damnit mrluke doesn't love me anymore
<CrazyClimber> i'm sure he does, rist, he just loves everyone else more


<CrazyClimber> man
<CrazyClimber> "since sept. 11, property insurance premiums have exploded"
<SeanQ> gah
<CrazyClimber> this one edit's gonna earn my pay today
<CrazyClimber> which is good, it's really all i'll have done
<agent_orange> "...and fallen, flaming, to the earth, crushing thousands beneath them."
<SeanQ> 'insurance company stock prices have plummeted as the market crashed. Savvy investors have found barganis amid the rubble."
<zompist> s/exploded/fireballed/


<agent_orange> scrambling to find a new job Just In Case
<SeanQ> christ, agto, again?
<agent_orange> no, I still have a joband all
<agent_orange> I just don't trust the fuckers
<SeanQ> carnies have more stability than you
<agent_orange> mia_d has more stability than me
<spinn> now you're just depressing me
<SeanQ> why don't you just face facts and move to a state with an economy already?
<mdxi> like Bolivia
<SeanQ> I was gonna suggest the Phillipines
<agent_orange> I must have used up the bad karma by now
<agent_orange> actually, job hopping in my field is not at all uncommon
<agent_orange> in fact, it's common
<spinn> in fact, necessary, once they realize the clipart books are getting stuck on the "women" pages
* agent_orange hurredly clears his browser cache
<mdxi> "Hey, where did 'Erotic Woodcuts Volumes 2-37 go? PETERS!"
<agent_orange> "The b,u,t,f,c, and k keys are worn out on your keyboard? again?"


<spinn> if schumin winds up being the fat fuck porn mogul with all the money that the models all screw because he's a big shit, I swear I will kill him and all those who get in my way to doing so
<Drusilla> i'll kill him too!
<zompist> i'd like to see all of that happen
<Lore> Dude, I'll pay for your dry cleaning.
<spinn> No you won't, I will. and I warn you I will take your own attempt as getting in my way.
<Drusilla> i'll be your alibi then
<zompist> i'll pay for the hacksaw for turning his skull into a drinking cup
<Drusilla> "i was taste-testing the whole night
<spinn> "and for the record: mackintosh."
<Drusilla> i'll gladly perjure for you if you do kill him
<tieboy> he's worth more alive
<tieboy> and I stand by that
<spinn> ah hell
<Lore> How so?
<spinn> yeah, I did agree with that, didn't I
<spinn> well, right now he is, yeah.
<tieboy> he's incredibly entertaining
<spinn> But if he becomes the next Harry Flynt by God I will take him down.
<spinn> And I'm not talking Dru-like "ha ha kill him" either. I mean close range, three-point, center mass execution.
<Lore> Wait. Ho whoa wait.
<Lore> Is he trying to get you to trade tit shots for cash?


<tieboy> if they don't have those blueberry donuts across the street, someone will die
<agent_orange> someone needs donuts? They diabetic?
<agent_orange> Save them, Tie!
<agent_orange> Bring the life giving donuts!
<agent_orange> or am i reading that all wrong
<mdxi> "Blueberry levels are below critical doctor!" "Give me 35ccs of Wild Berry Pop-Tart, stat!"
<mdxi> "No...only a Rooty-Tooty Fresh and Fruity could have saved this man...it's....too late. SPOCK!"
<agent_orange> maybe dude has a sucking chest wound and they're going to pack it with donuts
<Spansh> it's worse than that, it's chocolate
<mdxi> sucking chest wounds are *fun*
<agent_orange> nature's way of telling you you've been in a fire fight
<Bonwag> "If only we had a Cinnabon..."
<Spansh> "you canna change the laws of baking......"
<mdxi> "Will whoever's whistling PLEASE cut it OUT? Oh, it's your left lung collapsing. My bad."


<Lore> Mmm...pancakes.
<Lore> http://mind-site.com/jc/b2.html
<tieboy> I hate when Jesus gets stuck to my windsheild
<Drusilla> He hates it too.
<Lore> I hate that you hate it.
<Lore> It tears me up inside.
<Lore> Wait, no, that's shrapnel.


<DML> Dru, you're cutting yourself? Try not to do that, love
<Drusilla> I what?
<DML> "22 days until my birthday, full moon, and I pricked my finger so I'm bleeding.
<DML> Just another Saturday night."
<Drusilla> I was sewing.
<Drusilla> you very stupid little person you.
<DML> Oh, okay. Well, my sympathies, then
<Mia_D> what were you sewing?
<Drusilla> i was fixing the hem of a dress
<Lore> RITUAL FINGER-PRICKING
<Lore> LO I AM ONE WITH THE GODDESS I BLEED WITH THE MOON.
<Lore> WHERE ARE THE LITTLE ROUND BAND-AIDS O GAIA


<CrazyClimber> wow: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2002/04/18/MN109646.DTL
<Leth> bahahah
<Leth> oh man, that's hilarious
<Leth> "We personally thought Asians would love this T-shirt," said Hampton Carney,
<tieboy> well, I love the Fighting Whities
<Leth> "Tluly and Deepry Solly"
<tieboy> "It's really misleading as to what Asian people are," Chang said. "The stereotypes they depict are more than a century old. You're seeing laundry service. You're seeing basically an entire religion and philosophy being trivialized."
<CrazyClimber> i usually try to paste the printer-friendly low-graphics page, but they've got the t-shirts on this one
<tieboy> "I'm sickened," he added, throwing his baby daughter into the river.
<Leth> "In all honesty, I think the controversy (over sexually charged advertising) is kind of a marketing thing -- the teens love it," and they're crucial to Abercrombie's customer base, Black said.
<CrazyClimber> "This story is going around the whole Asian e-mail circle," said Kevin Choi, a 21-year-old student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology
<CrazyClimber> there's at least two stereotypes in that sentence
<CrazyClimber> they all go to MIT, and they all know each otehr
<Drusilla> Yes.
<Drusilla> but he's Asian, so it's ok.
<Leth> bah, everyone knows that half of MIT is Russian now anyway
<tieboy> Ding Ping Ling, a railroad worker, was also outraged.
<tieboy> ""I was supplized by this shirt! Supplized! Supplized!"
<Leth> "WHY DEY DO THAT? WE WORK HAHD, TLEE DORRAH A DAY!"
<CrazyClimber> i'm not gonna have dim sum for a week or two... why take chances on retaliation
<tieboy> "I'm gonna grab my paintbrush and write an angry letter once I'm done eating this dog," said Ching Plong Ho.
<mdxi> most Asian.$country university students *do* all know each other. all the japanese know each other, all the chinese know each other, all the koreans know each other. especially the koreans.
<mdxi> strangely, they almost never intermingle
<mdxi> IS THERE A SOCIOLOGIST IN THE HOUSE?
<CrazyClimber> after millions of years of wars with each other, i can't imagine why not
<Samwise> ...these... Asians in the Midst


*** Lore has joined #spinnwebe
<me_tew> Lore!
<agent_orange> Hey, Fitz!
<agent_orange> (his *real* friends call him 'Fitz')
*** Drusilla has joined #spinnwebe
<SeanQ> what do her real friends call her?
<Lore> Uh.
<Lore> No they don't.
<antihero> I thought his real friends called him "Sjo"
<Lore> People who are unaware that I really don't like being called "Fitz" call me "Fitz."
<zompist> drusilla's real friends call her "homewrecker"
<Drusilla> they call me bitch first.
<Lore> Today I am annoyed that the cd burning software that came with my iMac apparently can't burn ISOs.
<antihero> wow
<antihero> that's ass
<Lore> Yes. Yes it is.
<Lore> Especially because I need Red Hat 7.2
<mdxi> what software is that?
<agent_orange> Wow, tough break, Fitz.
<Leth> ** Lore puts blood in the water and the shiny-head shark moves in for the kill


<tieboy> Vatican calls for major policy changes
<tieboy> "If you're going to molest kids, be more discreet about it."
<spinn> "not as much buggery"
<tieboy> "We suggest mute and/or retarded children to start with."
<spinn> "goal of 50% less pedophilic rape by 2007, reduced 10% per year"
<mdxi> THIS DIOCESE HAS HAD [ ][2][3] BUGGERY-FREE DAYS
<spinn> I wonder who's making decisions in the vatican these days
<spinn> was thinking about it this morning. like, some collection of inner circle cardinals saying "oh, the pope said this"
<tieboy> maybe they have a conversion chart
<tieboy> dribbled on robe, farted, fell asleep = no more fucking children
<SeanQ> "Your Holiness, if you want *less* altar-boy buggery, shake your *left* hand uncontrolably."
<Leth> "No, Your Holiness, your other left"
<mdxi> they pulled Project XP-034, begun in the wake of the shooting in 1981, out of mothballs. The RoboPope
<tieboy> "He spit out his mashed apricots... does that mean no more facials on altar boys?"
<CrazyClimber> heh, last sentence of the NYT article that yahoo has:
<CrazyClimber> "Several Vatican priests said that whatever else happened at the meeting they hoped the cardinals would not use the occasion to speak about their own burdens and hardships in coping with the scandals"
<CrazyClimber> no sense of any case of denial there


<Samwise> Heh. Silly maintenance people.
<Samwise> "Oh, the AC won't be leaking any more. We fixed it." *drip* *drip* *BZZZZZZT* and 2 21" monitors go byebye.
<SeanQ> i'm sure they put the monitors there so they'd know if it was still leaking
<Freyja> on a related topic, what's the best way to remove bbq sauce from a keyboard?
<me_tew> tongue
<tieboy> tread on his corns
<tieboy> oh wait
<tieboy> that's how you make a nazi cross
<Samwise> Unplug it (obviously), take the cover off, slosh the parts around in a bath of clean (not soapy) water, let it dry thoroughly.
<tieboy> i think you can dishwash it
<me_tew> Don't you have a cleaning crew there? Just leave them a note to do it.
<Kyol> I'm with the "lick it up" crowd.
<Down10> see if you can't stick enough cornbread between the keys to mop up the sauce
<Freyja> oh nevermind, I'll just wipe the worst of it so it doesn't look dirty and swap it for the server's keyboard.
<Kyol> Hey, that works.
<Kyol> /sssssssssbin/ssssssssshutdown -h -t now now
<Kyol> Goddamnit, who spilled BBQ sauce in the server KB?
<Freyja> Even if anyone ever finds out, they'll blame the admin. As it is, we already have to buy a new keyboard every 2 months cause he's always spilling shit.
<SeanQ> ooh, nice to have a corporate scapegoat around
<Freyja> you know how they are, those IT people, always stuffing their face and ruining equipment with their greasy fingers. I hate them so.
<agent_orange> every time I get a new password, the keyboard smells of KC masterpiece and creme filling for weeks!


<Kyol> Huh, no jeeb?
<Kyol> Damnit.
<Kyol> He's just about as stable as. As. Uhh. Fuck. Kemlo?


<Samwise> Dammit, I need to beat a stupid person, and the marketing guys are out of the office.


<agent_orange> YOUR SERVER IS TOO SLOW! MAKE YOUR SERVER FASTER!
<agent_orange> oh!
<agent_orange> was i yelling?
<agent_orange> so sorry.
<mdxi> PAGE BE LOADING FOUR HOUR! PAGE LOAD NOW!
<mdxi> WHO HAD PEPPER STEAK?
<Drusilla> Trxy's amusing me
<agent_orange> so glad pop for honorable DSL connection! Would be slow as emporer's boner elsewise! hai!
<CrazyClimber> is there any way to make the board faster?
<Drusilla> i know. we could all send spinn money. that might help
<mdxi> it's about time she amused someone
<agent_orange> "amusing" ... you kids and your slang
<agent_orange> In my day, we called that( PING TIMEOUT)


<DML> Heh... my sister just IM'd me. My sister is cool and shit. I wish I could be eclectic, funky, and well-adjusted
<Drusilla> we do too, Dan.
<tieboy> well, 0 out of 3 ain't bad


<CrazyClimber> <tieboy> leth's meat is pure and perfect. score!
<CrazyClimber> *** hockwork has joined #spinnwebe
<CrazyClimber> i know we're supposed to pretend summons don't exist, but ...
<hockwork> heh
<CrazyClimber> plus, i was adjusting my package
<CrazyClimber> takes a team of three and one of those cranes these days
<agent_orange> that poor bird
<CrazyClimber> i'm just glad they replaced the flamingo
<agent_orange> you don't see repetitive stress syndrome and post-traumatic stress syndrome in the same bird very often


<CrazyClimber> oooh, the pope has called american cardinals to rome to discuss sex scandals
<CrazyClimber> "and don't leave a /thing/ out"
<agent_orange> "bring snapshots"
<agent_orange> "Best one gets to be new cardinal of boston!"
<agent_orange> archbishop
<agent_orange> whatever
<CrazyClimber> i wonder if mark mcgwire is going HA HA HA
<agent_orange> Stabat Pater, Bonerossa
<Guruzilla> "Five American cardinals accidentally fall down very very long spiral staircases. Simultaneously."
<agent_orange> "Shoes of the fisherman filled with holy semen in preparation for new alter boy hazing."
<spinn> <pope> well, I called them all to rome, they were taking the same bus...[shrug] shit happens
* agent_orange has flashbacks to the Godfather baptism montage
<agent_orange> "Vatican considers raising Molestation compensation to 2 Snickers bars and six-pack of coke"
<spinn> heh. parents make an accusation, a jesuit comes over with a selection of compensation portfolios
<raven> "ANd here we have a lovely fruit basket....no pun intended!"
<agent_orange> "You can take your complaint to the local bishop, or ... you can have what's in the box!"
<agent_orange> "A Shiny Golduluxe (tm) Crucifix!"
<Kyol> "Nothing! There's NOTHING IN THE BOX..." </misquoted UHF>
<Samwise> Absorutery nothing!
<tieboy> STUUUUUPID
<agent_orange> "Now, if you'd care to send Billy back for the complete Holy Catesodobuggerism, complete with anal penetration and Holy thursday bukakke, you *could* win . . . A NEW CAR!"
*** zompist has joined #spinnwebe
<Samwise> "...or a lanky programmer."
<agent_orange> "please accept this complimentary bottle of scope, with the sincere apologies of the entire diocese, and especially Father Joe."
<CrazyClimber> "don't tell anyone, but we slipped a few communion wafers in there"
<me_tew> Ew. In where?
<CrazyClimber> such is the delightful ambiguity
<agent_orange> "Here's a complimentary snapshot of Billy and Father Joe, taken at the moment of ultimate bliss. For Father Joe, anyway."
<raven> agt : bahahah, like those pictures you can get at the end of a rollercoaster.
<agent_orange> little billy's hair standing on end
<tieboy> "We suggest, for the future safety of your children, to send them to us in groups... yes... in groups... lots of them,,," *pant pant*
<Kyol> o/' 1 2 3 4 5 6 78 9 10 bar bie dolls. o/'
<agent_orange> It's my theory that they didn't shuffle the molesting priests from parish to parish to keep the molestation quiet -
<agent_orange> I think it was more of a turf war
<agent_orange> "You keep away from the Williams boy! He's mine!"
<agent_orange> "But I love him!"
<Freyja> could have been an exchange program
<Freyja> or a twisted real life version of Pokemon. Gotta Touch 'Em All!
<Kyol> "That williams boy is tigher than a frog's wet ass."
<CrazyClimber> i've always figured that -- separation of church & state notwithstanding -- the priesthood's other name was "witness relocation"
<agent_orange> Frey: hehehe - "There's entirely too much buttfucking going on over in Caddo parish. Let's send Father Ed over there -- he can suck the nougat out a milky way from thirty paces."
<ristoril> Priesthood:NAMBLA::Black Diamond:AMWAY
<tieboy> Yeah, they probably got bored with the local boys
<tieboy> "Little Jimmy McGee's been passed around more than the collection plate on Christmas. I need something new."
*** Down10 has joined #spinnwebe
<Samwise> Ask, you shall receive.
<agent_orange> "The last white boy in Baton Rouge parish has a sphincter about as tight as bowl of pudding. Gentlemen, we need action. Get the Vat Phone."
<me_tew> Volunteering, Down?
<Down10> huh?
<Freyja> "I hear the altar boys in Dade County are easier and wear shorter robes. I think it's time to start spreading the word of God around a bit more, if you know what I'm saying, and I think you do."
<agent_orange> just bend over and say the roasary, boy.
<Down10> Oh, Christ.
<agent_orange> be over in secoAHAHAAgoddam
<Down10> Thank goodness Rabbis can marry. This stuff (rarely) happens in synagogues
<ristoril> Vatican Meeting Agenda: Friday, 8pm: Registration and temporary Altarboy assignment
<ristoril> 9pm Group assignments and talent show
<agent_orange> "PLEASE leave the vatican alter boys alone. Sheep and inexpensive Arab boys have been provided for your use."
<ristoril> 10pm Official welcome by His Holiness Pope John Paul II, followed by Buggery Bingo
<CrazyClimber> "Note that, Monday through Saturday, the white circular objects are /not/ wafers."
<Samwise> "Welcome, Father Murphy. Care for a Miller or Bud? I'm afraid there's no Busch..."


<CrazyClimber> top dangling modifier of the day:
<CrazyClimber> "A jet going 100 m.p.h. slammed into a deer, which ruptured a wing fuel tank and dumped 70 gallons of gas on the runway. "
<CrazyClimber> i knew about cows and methane, but...
<me_tew> Dammit, when are they going to REQUIRE that fuel tanks on deer be moved away from the wings.


<tieboy> christ this is boring
<CrazyClimber> work, here, or something else?
<tieboy> the day in general
<CrazyClimber> you had some excitement from that really smelly kid
<agent_orange> beat off
<agent_orange> always cheers me up
<tieboy> and my supervisor pinched a loaf in the restroom
<tieboy> i mean, good place to do it, but i can't fathom what sort of food he's been eating
<mdxi> and called you in to see it before flushing?
<mdxi> "Chris, you gotta SEE this one!"
<CrazyClimber> doesn't your coast mostly have sproutmunchers?
<tieboy> yeah. and he's from L.A. and eats healthy and stuff
<agent_orange> "See, now, that's a *healthy* turd."
<mdxi> "No Honey BBQ Wings in there, nossir"
<CrazyClimber> "might be a coffee bean, though"
<agent_orange> "Look at the size. The sublte form. The appealing texture. That's brown rice, Chritopher. Not like your Taco Bell Puddin' poops."


* Kyol starts to get impationt for his env key.
<agent_orange> you're dating an immigrant?
<Kyol> Yeah. Impationt.
<agent_orange> well, i'm sure he's very nice.
<mdxi> that's an odd name. is htat Bulgarian/
<me_tew> Sounds more Egyptian to me. Imhotept, Akenaten, Impationt, Tutankhamen...


<CrazyClimber> jeezus, snowflakes the size of pancakes out there
<spinn> really? up here it's like little dinky snow bits here and there
<agent_orange> raindrops the size of dru's nipples here
<Leth> those are called "ponds", agt


*** agent_orange has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to <agent_orange> holy sokes, this tampon is *full*. I'm gonna have to squat over a bucket.
<agent_orange> was bugging me
*** agent_orange has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to <agent_orange> holy smokes, this tampon is *full*. I'm gonna have to squat over a bucket.
<agent_orange> was also bugging me
<Lore> "The man known was Agent Orange is more than an artist, more than a genius. He is a relentless perfectionist, obsessively working on each bodily excretion reference with a visionary's inspiration, a scientist's objectivity, a mother's love."
*** agent_orange has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to <agent_orange> holy soaks, this tampon is *full*. I'm gonna have to squat over a bucket.


<me_tew> Actual quote from the April 8, 2002, U.S. News and World Report (p. 53): "It's hard to picture a hunter-gatherer knowing what to do with, say, a sheep, after he had acquired one."
<agent_orange> uh huh
<raven> yeah, 'cause hunters just hunt animals, gaze upon them fondly and then sneak off quietly, so as not to disturb the animal.
<agent_orange> not if you're dealing with a hunter-gatherer-assfucker
<CrazyClimber> well, sheep /are/ a special case
<agent_orange> "Eat? no eat. kicks. Wear? Warm, but pee down back. Hmmm ... fuck in ass? try. Ohhh baby. In the name of Zeus, fluffy white thing has pussy just like she-who-bleeds-for-days!"


<Down10> Well, anyway, want to join myself and GC for this guy?: http://sfx.com/artist.asp?artistid=4486
<Lore> Steven Wright? Is he still around?
* agent_orange makes "no no don't do it they're after your cherry" hand signals at Lore
<Lore> Has he written any new jokes since 1988?
<Down10> shut up, agto
<Down10> and no, we're not
<Lore> I'm actually not a big fan of stand-up, but thanks anyway.
<Down10> awww. okay, then
<Lore> I didn't know I had any cherries left.
* Down10 isn't going to ask
<Lore> They're going to have to hire a dowser to find a place to deflower on me.
<CrazyClimber> i guess a geiger counter would be moot now that you're on the west coast
<Lore> H.R. Giger Counter
<Lore> It clicks a bunch if you have an embryonic alien being living in your chest cavity.


<Down10> shit, they're on to me
<GhostCoder> THE LIBYANS!
<Dodge> The Libyans? Where?
<GhostCoder> In a vw minibus
<Dodge> With a bomb made out of pinball machine parts.
<Lore> This is the worst game of Clue ever.


<tieboy> she lost weight. been eating nothing but lembas
<zompist> she's eating nothing but lesbians?
<mdxi> You found (g) a cram ration
<tieboy> she's dating an elf
<Leth> god, I feel so geeky and dirty for getting that
<Leth> (the lembas joke)
<tieboy> i can't believe i came up with the name so quickly. i need to watch some sports or something
<mdxi> It is like the waybread of your peoples, only better b-cuz u sux0r. EFLS R00L!!@!#!
<zompist> i haven't checked the breakfast cereals section lately-- i bet they're making lembas flakes now
<zompist> it's elf-o-licious!
<mdxi> Glorfindel and the Grey Host are Totally Elfrageous


<spinn> you aren't feeling well, are you
<mdxi> no. my nose is runny and crusty at the same time, i feel (as indicated earlier) like i was beaten with a rake while i was asleep, and i'm really hungry
<spinn> ah
<spinn> so, a rake for sure then
<mdxi> i think that's where the little scratchmarks came from
<spinn> I figured they could've just been ligatures from the rust protrusions
<mdxi> *weak, illogical, sex with drusilla joke*
<spinn> yeah, nothing sez sex with dru like rust ligatures
<mdxi> i'm too weak to be trolled
<zompist> i think sex with dru accounts for about 3/4 of japhod's thoughts, prayers, notebooks, drawings, etc.
<tieboy> confessional visits
<spinn> probably more like repression of same
<zompist> attempted repression
<zompist> it's not like jesus took away his hormones
<tieboy> he channels it into his self-loathing
<zompist> and self-fear?
<tieboy> or in pretending he has self-loathing, anyway
<tieboy> 'cos I think he thinks he's the shit
<zompist> with or without the 'the'
<mdxi> he's probably just "dating" her to keep a lid on the horrible urges to slurp down manbone
<tieboy> that'd be a fun reason to create a fake livejournal
<mdxi> SEE MY LIVJOURNAL www.livejournal.com/intheclosetwithjesus/


<mdxi> from the DURRRRRHH department, the AMA has discovered that long-term use of marijuana has a dulling effect on the brain, affecting memory and attention span.
<mdxi> next month's JAMA is expected to feature an article titled "CANCER BAD"


<agent_orange> HURRY! THIS ONE ENDS SOON! http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2012123560
<zompist> opening bid of $10 million?
<zompist> this guy's picture is next to the dictionary def of "optimist"
<mdxi> the most valuable shrine in japan? where, in the all-shrine edition of Monopoly?
<mdxi> also, shouldn't this really be a .jp?
<spinn> wish I saved the bid page for www-alawyer.com
<Kyol> Friend of mine just got to japan. Took a buncha pictures of the cherry blossoms around a temple. Pretty neat shit.
<spinn> fuckin' a
<agent_orange> rock on!
<zompist> heh, and this is the guy's first auction
<CrazyClimber> fag
<spinn> it was all transcendant and tranquil and fuck
<Kyol> We still have any local copies of the spare change auction?
<spinn> yeah, somewhere
<agent_orange> Fuckin' cherry blossoms are all fuckin' pink and shit.
<zompist> i was hoping to see a bunch of other gods and goddesses he's auctioned off
<agent_orange> I was like, whoa, fuck.
<mdxi> ZOROASTER.COM went for $4.7M
<zompist> ironically, the real zoroaster already had zoroaster.org
<mdxi> how'd you like to get get a SLAPP letter from a Babylonian deity?
<spinn> god!
<mdxi> exactly
<spinn> l0ans.org
<spinn> This domain name is spelled with the number 0, not the letter O. Nevertheless, imagine how many people misspell Loans. This is a great name for anyone who is interested in the loan sector.
<spinn> yeah. I always make that typo, sure
<Drusilla> uhm...
* zompist is doubled over from the sheer logic of it
<Drusilla> alons would make more sense
<zompist> why not register ;psmd.com for people whose fingers are one key to the right?
<spinn> UsaNYC911.org
<spinn> "What a great name to commemorate the 9/11 tragedy."
<Drusilla> uhm..
<zompist> how much do they want for that?
<agent_orange> Imagine how many people misspell "Gangbang"! There's Gambag, Gangbamg, gnaban -- that's why www.gghgkladlk.com is such a bargain!
<spinn> safegirls.com.
<mdxi> i forsee a bitter rivalry with 911NYC-USA1.com
<spinn> "'safe girls' is a popular everyday usage phrase"
<Drusilla> no, it's not.
<spinn> sure it is
<agent_orange> among vice cops
<spinn> the seller tells me so
<Samwise> I can question nearly every adjective in that statement.
<Drusilla> it's not popular. it's not everyday. and it's not a usage phrase.
<ristoril> how many times have you been whackin' it, and when the time comes, you accidentally slap the keyboard in the throes of spooging? well, that makes rhgcpoassdc.r,aioah.sanoeiasoid the domain for you!
<mdxi> www.safeword.com has a somewhat entertaining redirect
<Leth> one which I think I shall try later, not here on this work machine
<mdxi> Leth: it's boringly worksafe, actually
<mdxi> HAWT VPN AKSHUN
<spinn> agh.
<spinn> http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2013724430
<agent_orange> Think about how many people misspell vropalajikmasut!
<Leth> oh, is it Secure Computoing?
<spinn> the funniest thing about these auctions is their justification of the prices
<Leth> I actually used a safeword security server back at Nortel
<mdxi> Leth: it is, in fact
<Leth> yeah, they're like SecurID with the vards and the algorithms and the HEY LAYDEEEE
<agent_orange> what? no HyperTards?
<agent_orange> I withdraw my bid, sir! You are a cad and a mountebank.
<spinn> hypervineyard.com. hyperpoet.com. hypermidi.com.
<spinn> real blockbusters
<Drusilla> hyperpoet
<Drusilla> seems like an oxymoron.
<agent_orange> HyperNutirtion.com
<ristoril> what about those poets whose schtick is to scream theirl poetry?
<agent_orange> shit
<zompist> jeezapalooza, this hyper guy has the energy
<tieboy> "here at hyperi\vineyards, we take wine... TO THE EXTREME!!!"
<ristoril> HyperNutria.com
<agent_orange> think of how many people misspell "Nutirtion"!
<Leth> "All valid typos for HyperNutrition.com! Think of the $$$ LQQK!!!!"
<spinn> wow, you get the logos as part of the auction
<spinn> he had them professionally made
<agent_orange> at the HyperTard Occupaitonal e-tharapy institute
<zompist> i was just going to say
<Leth> translation: His kid got a bootleg Paint Shop Pro
<agent_orange> damn I cna't not type worse than ever today
* zompist wonders if "hyperharvets" is a typo
<Drusilla> HyperZines.
<zompist> "HyperPetual"... GAAAAAAAH
<Drusilla> HyperSalon.com
<Drusilla> ok, now, that's just not even trying
<agent_orange> HyperNarcolepsy.com
<zompist> "there could hardly be a better Brand name than MyHyperWorld"
<Drusilla> yes, there could
<Freyja> HyperADD.com
<Drusilla> HyperStamps
<agent_orange> HyperHyperHyper.com
<Drusilla> fucking HyperStamps
<ristoril> HyperFuck.com
<zompist> i really hope he registered all of these with verisign for the full $15,120
<spinn> but just one of those domains priced higher than that
<spinn> so it's easy money, bay-bee
<Drusilla> http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2012823552
<Drusilla> the transfer will be completed legally.
<zompist> i've got to check out this appraiser
<zompist> hee hee. just asking for information at solutionhome.com gives you a SECURE DOCUMENT
<Drusilla> http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2014007020
<Drusilla> It is proven, the most lucrative business to own is a DOT-COM.
<Drusilla> my head hurts now.
<zompist> https://www.domainsystems.com/appraisal.htm <-- click "What is the value of my domain?"
<zompist> the domain name market is growing faster than the real estate market!
<Drusilla> who proved that?
<mdxi> Descartes, i think
<CrazyClimber> my company might have something to say about that
<zompist> "Websites that are receiving traffic are certainly preferred over those without traffic." <-- just one of the nuggets of wisdom at solutionhome.com! QUIT
<CrazyClimber> heh. post by the answer point manager on the enthusiasts' forum:
<CrazyClimber> (paraphrased) "we won't be running those annoying ads in the side margins anymore! we've got something much less annoying... 'interstitials'!"
<CrazyClimber> nearly a dozen enthusiasts cheering their heads off
<spinn> heheh
<mdxi> less....annoying...
<spinn> "yayyy! a starp stick to the eye! wooeeee!"


<me_tew> http://www.cnn.com/2002/SHOWBIZ/News/04/02/elle.afghan.mag.ap/index.html
<me_tew> Its staff says they hope the magazine will help women reclaim lives smashed during five years of Taliban rule, when women were barred from school and work and could not go out without a male relative and an all-enveloping burqa. "
<mdxi> i'm waiting for Afghani Vogue
<agent_orange> all five remaining afghan women expressed enthusiasm
<CrazyClimber> "printed in really black ink on really bright white paper so the contrast makes it easy to read through the dark veils"
<me_tew> The two who could read were especially happy.
<me_tew> "I would tell these people that it is written in the Holy Quran that both men and women should have equal rights, and denying women these rights is against the teachings of Islam," she said.
<me_tew> Well, that'll take care of any misunderstandings.
<Drusilla> also, blowing yourself up and going to strip clubs is discouraged.
<mdxi> in that order? i should think so.
<spinn> maybe if you blew yourself up next to a reinforced concrete wall that would hurl your remains in the direction of a strip club
<agent_orange> "Being Shot at Dawn for Whorish Behavior? Our experts offer twelve tips for keeping your cool under fire!"


<CrazyClimber> oh, if anyone wants to riff on me, i'm having brie and crackers for lunch.
<antihero> well la DEE DAH!
<Freyja> what, spray cheese not good enough?
<Samwise> <Leth> fag.
<Kyol> Freyja: Spray brie.
<antihero> EZ Brie
<Freyja> there is such a thing as EZ Brie
<Samwise> You know, brie's just soft enough to pull that off.
<Samwise> Freyja: you lie.
<Freyja> it comes in a tub, like margarine
<Samwise> Huh. Whoda thunk.
<Freyja> it's like Brie-Whiz
<mdxi> isn't brie the one they bury in horseshit?
<mdxi> or is that all French cheeses?
<CrazyClimber> no, that's that coffee
<CrazyClimber> and it's weasel shit
<Samwise> Civet shit.
<tieboy> CHEETOZ PAWZ now with XTREME BRIE
<TMR> And it's not buried, it's digested-excreted.
<mdxi> no, that's honey
<CrazyClimber> tmr: a fine-line difference to whoever has to get the bean out.
<Samwise> "What? Scrub off all the poop? What'd be the point of letting the beans get shit out, then?"


<CrazyClimber> "The ``home'' icon on Microsoft's Internet Explorer browser, for instance, would become a ``Weather Channel'' icon, steering users back to Weather.com's main page when they click on it. "
<mdxi> so it's an autodownloading IE skin
<mdxi> with ActiveAnnoying Innovations built right in
<agent_orange> christ, why don't they jest send over one of their Certified Engineers to rape me in the brown eyed fun factory and be done with it


<Down10> I'm rocking out this this French Rock music on KUSF
<agent_orange> french rock is pussy
<agent_orange> o/~mais je suis anarchist! / mais je suis antichrist! o/~
<Down10> And the current DJ is this woman with a thick German accent
<SeanQ> guess the old DJ surrendered
<Machival> must've been polish.
<Machival> or french.
<agent_orange> "Velkommen to radio Vichy."
<Down10> "How about vee cheell out with this ambiant museek, ja?
<Down10> that's quoted verbatum
<Machival> but, yeah, now I see what you were going for, there, sean.
<zompist> i believe sean was referring to the idea that the french are noted for frequent surrendering
<zompist> since they have been in decline for approximately 200 years
<SeanQ> i tried to type that slowly...
<Machival> yeah, I got that, but it took me a minute.


<Machival> I overslept and my head feels all shitty.
<zompist> hung over?
<Machival> I wish.
<Machival> 'cause that would imply that there was at least a little fun that I'd have gotten in addition to this shitty feeling.
<zompist> maybe there was, but you've completely blocked it out mentally
<zompist> better make sure you still have your anal virginity
<Machival> how, exactly, would you check that?
<spinn> drive down to hock's place
<zompist> there's a grammatical error there
<zompist> 'you' should not be in that sentence
<spinn> if, 12 minutes later, you're saying "hm, this feels familiar," you didn't have it
<Drusilla> part of me is going "Huh?"
<Samwise> See, dru, he'd be fucking him in the ass.
<agent_orange> If you have to say "When the hell are you gonna get started" and he's already pulled three wristwatches and a bag of golf tees out, you are sans cherry, as the french say


<tieboy> hey, geeks, google be hiring: http://www.google.com/jobs/great-people-needed.html
<agent_orange> yeah, but you gotta move to googleville
<zompist> it says "great people"... that leaves us out
<CrazyClimber> and you have to be great
<spinn> plus, you have to get lucky
<Freyja> and also, get hired
<agent_orange> I'm just not a primary color kinda guy
<Freyja> plus you already have a sweet gig selling rodent to rednecks
<agent_orange> get it on a stick!
<zompist> you need a mascot
<zompist> nippy the nutria
<CrazyClimber> and is he japanese or black?
<tieboy> Steve Nutenberg
<zompist> it's hard to tell with nutrias
<zompist> depends on what kind of clip art agto can find
<agent_orange> hey, we got a big-ass budget for this
<agent_orange> I can afford to rent an airboat and a brownie and take my own damn nutria candids
<agent_orange> photoshop 'em into a shoney's menu
<CrazyClimber> i still think exporting is the key
<CrazyClimber> market it in third-world countries
<zompist> they're called "parishes" in louisiana
<CrazyClimber> "finally! rats that don't swim in the only river that provides sanitary drainage and field irrigation!"
<agent_orange> CC: you've been reading the proposal, haven't you?
<agent_orange> actually gonna try to market them to the large vietnamese population in south LA (seriously)
<zompist> "it's viet-na-licious!"
<CrazyClimber> "leave them underground for a year and think of them as kim new-chee-aaaaaaaahhh!"
<agent_orange> "It's Dee-Diddy-Mao-Licious!"
<Freyja> "Do you miss the starvation and poverty of the Motherland? Introducing Nutria: Just Like the Rats Back Home"
<zompist> "tastes like chicken ngat pho!"
<agent_orange> actual proposed tagline: "Destructive. Invasive. Nutritious. Delicious."
<raven> hell, I'd eat something with that tagline, agt.
<CrazyClimber> "You've Wanted To Eat Your Pets Anyway... Adopt, Then Dine!"
<CrazyClimber> agt - i'm surprised they didn't find an E word at the end for the DINE acronym
<agent_orange> damn
<agent_orange> actually, it was my tagline
<CrazyClimber> loser
<agent_orange> and you're on to something there, bob
<CrazyClimber> i remember when you had your chops, man
<zompist> "happy fun nutria, joy for eat with crunching! like fireworks kapow kapong in stomach, enjoying now!"
<agent_orange> but a couple firemen and a rfowbar shouls set you right by morning!
<agent_orange> rfowbar?
<tieboy> ROFLBAR!
* agent_orange whacks his keyboard around
<agent_orange> snap out of it!
<CrazyClimber> "Remember how you won the war? Have some nutria!"
<tieboy> a hack, a shack, bald as a tack... asjdhficarfowbar!
<Freyja> "Become a valuable part of the foodchain and feast on wetland's Enemy #1!"
<agent_orange> Freyja: also an on target paraphrase
<Freyja> yeah, I was semi-serious
<zompist> well, stop it!
<agent_orange> another idea is a t-shirt giveaway at sample stands: "Coypas Interruptus" (Coypus being the scientific name[apart of it]) b/w Eat Him Before He Eats You


* agent_orange attempts to pants Sam before realizing he'll need to call the day labor place
* Samwise feels threatened until he realizes agt is one of the few people in this channel he can outrun
<agent_orange> (puff puff) COME BACK HERE YOU (huff) FAT BASTARD! (puff puff) (angina)
<CrazyClimber> i last ran during the Great Scary Homeless Guy Wants Spare Change Incident in '98
<CrazyClimber> even with the shopping cart, he passed me and blocked me off


* Leth steeples his fingers
<CrazyClimber> s/ee/a/ if you operate office equipment like you type, too


*** agent_orange has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to Tard Free Since 2002 - [ 3.2 ] Hours Without Tard Comments
*** CrazyClimber has joined #spinnwebe
<CrazyClimber> i forgot i had autojoin set
<CrazyClimber> i was going to join as dnaerror
* raven warms up her kickin' boot!
*** agent_orange is now known as DnaError
<DnaError> that would be a big boot that you kick with
<DnaError> probably steel toe
*** raven has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to Tard Free Since 2002 - [ 0 ] Hours Without Tard Comments
*** raven has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to Tard Free Since 2002 - [ 4 ] Hours Without Tard Comments
*** Lots42 has joined #spinnwebe
<Lots42> WHOOP WHOOP
* raven smacks leth in the back of the head.
*** agent_orange has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to Tard Free Since 2002 - [ .01 ] Hours Without Tard Comments
*** raven has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to Tard Free Since 2002 - [ 4 ] Hours Where Tardliness Is Met With A Smack In The Head


<Leth> cb for a new signoff message for Freyja
<jeeb> I NEED A BRA
<Leth> there ya go
<Freyja> heh
<Samwise> Freyja, do you indeed need a bra?
<Freyja> indeed, I do
<Samwise> Good thing we reminded her.
<CrazyClimber> how's that, sam?
<CrazyClimber> speaking from the viewpoint of a guy, if you get my drift
<Samwise> Well, you can't have those things floppin' around if they need wrangling.
<Samwise> What if she jogs?
<Freyja> unattractive and painful
<CrazyClimber> well, you can conjure up hypothetical situations all day
<CrazyClimber> what if she just strolls past our field of view?
<Freyja> it's still unattractive and painful :)
<CrazyClimber> then we're back to imagining, sam
<Samwise> glad you didn't leave out that comma.
<tieboy> if anything, it should have 2
<tieboy> and maybe some extra spaces, just so no one accidentally imagines sam
* Samwise sets the mind control lasers on "Sam"
<Samwise> ha HA. Try not imagining me doing THAT.
* ristoril cuts a corner off Sam's boobie-talk card
<ristoril> how is watching liberated boobies painful?
<tieboy> at least we know Sam would have to be chased by a rabid corn-hound before he'd actually jog
<Freyja> rist: painful from a girl's POV
<ristoril> yeah but you've got your own boobies to watch
<Samwise> I jogged just last night, fuckyouverymuch.
<CrazyClimber> the bathroom-to-fridge-to-couch loop doesn't count
<Samwise> Har de har. Tues & thurs, I go to the Y.
<tieboy> he collapses before he gets to the MCA


<tieboy> man. what's going on with MIT these days?
<tieboy> http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/industry/03/23/robot.reporter.ap/index.html
<tieboy> the super soldier thing, now this
<tieboy> A remote-controlled robot could help journalists troll for news in the world's hotspots, witnessing battles at close range and even conducting interviews
<tieboy> Yeah. Lotts people are going to agree to being interviewed BY A WAGON
<tieboy> bah ha: In diagrams, a flag with a peace symbol flies from an antenna to indicate neutrality.
<tieboy> that's darling
<spinn> s/neutrality/target practice/
<spinn> hell, if I saw one driving down a chicago street, I'd probably take shots at it
<tieboy> *beep* *boop* *boop* skkzzzttt "Hi, I'm Ted Koppel. Since I don't want to enter your disgusting country, I am appearing on this Red Ryder to intervi--"BLAMBLAMBLAM
<spinn> "please afford this radio flyer the same respect and dignity you would any other visiting" BLAM BLAM
<DnaError> give the radio flyer some rocket launchers and guns
<MisterQ> And anti-tank armor and make it 300ft tall
<tieboy> "If youw wewe a twee, what kind of twee would youw b" GACK GACK GACK GACK
<tieboy> this better stay out of John Stossel
<tieboy> 's hands
<spinn> [tinny voice] "I'm innnterviewing you? With a liiitlle reeeed waaaagon? Gimme a breaaaak!"
<tieboy> "You blew up my last six robot interview carts. Gimm" BLAM BLAM BLAM
<tieboy> Hm. I think they should use them everywhere, not just in dangerous areas. Like, send 'em to White House briefings and city council meetings and shit
<DnaError> "The little red wagon in the back has a comment"
<tieboy> Larry King could do his show from one of them. "No matter what anyone says about peanut butter, I like it."
<spinn> BLAM BLAM
<spinn> that's funny if you think of it as someone shooting the cart, or the cart shooting larry king
<spinn> either way
<spinn> spinoff movies of The Little Engine That Could doing hard-hitting investigative journalism in DC
<spinn> soon we could conduct all diplomatic activites via electric pushcart
<spinn> no american would have any need to leave the country again
<sol-D> hooray!
<spinn> the russians have their own version, 7 feet tall and made of iron, shaking and billowing coal smoke
<spinn> requires one smoking guy inside to occasionally pound the engine and curse a lot
<sol-D> how much does it weigh?
<tieboy> CHUNGCLANK* CHUNKCLANK* CHUNKCLANK* PSHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTT "You will now be interviewed. Speak into pipe. NOW"
<tieboy> Roger Ebert could send his to the movie theaters in bad neighborhoods
<DnaError> PLACE BUTTER IN THE PIPE, PEON
<spinn> celine dion could send hers to concerts
<spinn> butter?
<DnaError> no one would know the difference.
<hiway> I figure the smoking man inside has to eat, right?
<spinn> he has borscht
<hiway> borscht doesn't grow on trees.
<spinn> okay, you're right. once again my fantastical voyage has been shattered by the harsh light of reality
<hiway> I guess butter doesn't either, but still.
<spinn> I'll go make sushi now.
<raven> borscht grows underground. There's a small backhoe on the reporter.
<tieboy> the Japanese could have a bullet interview car. Travelling at speeds of 200 mph
<sol-D> what's sushi like?
<DnaError> cold
<spinn> with 45 hull-mounted flash camera turrets


<agent_orange> I'm not flashing gang signs
<agent_orange> I'm just spastic
<Samwise> 'tard gangs.
<Samwise> Other gangs are too creeped out to fight 'em.
<agent_orange> HWEN HYOO A DJNET HNOO A DJNET HALL NA HWAY
<mdxi> the sign for all tard gangs is spastically whacking one chicken-wing-bent arm against your chest
<mdxi> and/or pooping yourself
<agent_orange> the spray tags are mainly horsies and special olympic ribbons
<CrazyClimber> heh.
<CrazyClimber> NOOO OUR SIGN IS BLUE HELMET!
<agent_orange> and of course, there's Gangstard Rap
<agent_orange> Short Bus
<agent_orange> Dog Doggy Doggy Bark Doggy
<agent_orange> Old Dirty Retard
<me_tew> Pee Diddy
<mdxi> Baby Got Strained Peas Running Down Her Chubby Mongoloid Face, by Sir Twitch-A-Lot
* mdxi gets a sudden flash of the old, familiar "going to hell" feeling
<agent_orange> o/~ gonna rock back and forth, sit in my own feces / flap arms and hoot for pizza at cici's
<mdxi> i thought it was funny, but i couldn't think up anything else.
<mdxi> i'll try harder next time
<CrazyClimber> o/~ walking the hood with the pee monsters / maybe later bitch mommy will drive by hooters o/~
<CrazyClimber> i'll try harder next time too
<agent_orange> monsters + hooters?
<agent_orange> SOMEBODY has issues
<CrazyClimber> they wouldn't be tards if they didn't
<CrazyClimber> duh
<agent_orange> no, YOU'RE DUHHH!
<agent_orange> you big DUUUHHH


<antihero> how's everyone tonight?
<hiway> full of piss and vinegar.
<spinn> snkkt
<spinn> that's better in caps with "fulla"
<spinn> I'M FULLA PISS 'N VINEGAR!
<hiway> I'll remember that, next time.
<antihero> i tell you whut
<spinn> may it serve you well
<sol-D> I'm just pissing vinegar
<raven> a little oil and you've got salad dressing, sol
<sol-D> shh. I try to keep that part a secret. it protects me fromt he lettuce cabal.
<antihero> you're safe, what with the sky-rocketing gas prices
<antihero> s/gas/lettuce
<sol-D> no,n o, I'm in even more demand. they'll hunt me like an ANIMAL
<antihero> wow
<antihero> what sort of aminal?
<sol-D> the wild and noble graphics majot
<sol-D> major
<MisterQ> the rare graphics majot
<Freyja> a fox, so they can have an old fashioned hunt. With beagles. And bugles.
<hiway> no, no. the lettuce cabal can't afford all that.
<hiway> cabals aren't made of money, y'know.
<Freyja> ok, with mutts and kazoos
<hiway> Fine, fine.
<sol-D> just lettuce and a fanatical devotion to the pope
<hiway> well, lettuce, stealth, and a fanatical devotion to the pope.


<spinn> The local Taco Bell didn't have the chicken and bacon tacos. (And the poor clerk darn near flinched when she had to tell me that).
<spinn> yeah, since the last incident when they dropped his favorite gordita
<raven> Where lots soiled himself in distress and then screamed "Cleanup on aisle me!"
<SeanQ> "Maaaaah! Grab a mop I dropped another chalupa!"
<tieboy> yo quiero cobra commander


<agent_orange> I can see -- I can feel it in me-- the potential to whack a kid so hard that youmight kill him
<agent_orange> but five, one after the other?
<SeanQ> agto: that's what I was saying, I can feel tht in me, too, at my very worst
<agent_orange> SQ: that's why god made dogs
<SeanQ> and cats, and drywall
<ristoril> and SPACKLE SPACKLE SPACKLE


<agent_orange> I need to find me a good protestant faith that has liberal ideas on the subject of sucking cock of the sheer dirty thrill of it
<mdxi> i think that's Unitarianism
<DnaError> Universal Unitarianism
<DnaError> damn
<agent_orange> well, I've sure as hell been wating my time with the methodists
<DnaError> Stupid Methodists
<agent_orange> spitters, the bunch of them
<Lore> The First Church of Sucking Cock for Grins
<ristoril> i don't think unitarians would call themselves protestants
<zompist> you could probably find some healthy attitudes toward choadsmoking among the presbyterians
<agent_orange> First Church of Christ, Bottom
<ristoril> First Church of Hgulguhghguhglguhglublugh
<zompist> bettter yet, episcopalians
<DnaError> First Church of His Holy JohnSon
<ristoril> First Church of Carnally
<Drusilla> hey, i'm episcopalian...
<DnaError> episcopalian..thats like Catholic-lite, right?
<Drusilla> yeah
<zompist> and what are your views on choadsmoking?
<Drusilla> we get to get divorced.
<mdxi> my brother was killed by an episcopalian once
<ristoril> doesn't it only take one time, mdxi?
<agent_orange> well, we know big tits are a-okay with episcopalians, anyway
<Drusilla> no, that's from my jewish relatives.
<DnaError> Episoplaians-We Got Purdy Daughters
<mdxi> Episcogothi
<DnaError> The offical stance of the Reform Church, Big Tits Are A'Okay!
<DnaError> Thy wife's should have breasts that loom like the mountains of God"
<mdxi> Martin Luther was nailed to the church door so we could enjoy knockers\
<CrazyClimber> Church of the Holy Aureole


<me_tew> http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/03/15/eagle.attack/index.html
<me_tew> Oddly enough, it's not about the war.
<Drusilla> i like the headline.
<Drusilla> Why did they mention he's a native of Portugal?
<me_tew> The five w's of journalism: who, what, when, why, and where from?
<tieboy> to explain his awkward sentences
<Drusilla> i mean, in that sentence.
<Drusilla> he's defending the national bird, so they want to point out he's from a different country?
<tieboy> "I like bird. I think bird is good. I think good bird is nice."
<spinn> "I want pet nice bird."
<tieboy> "I was planning to eat dog. Dog is carried by bird. I can eat bird or dog."
<SeanQ> this should be an Onion article
<tieboy> this is why all small german breeds should be equiped with light-deflecting nanotechnology
<Drusilla> no
<Drusilla> they're annoying enough
<tieboy> bite me
<Drusilla> let the eagles eat them. buy the guy a new dog.
<spinn> maybe they should be equipped with harnesses and mouse-shaped lift bars
<SeanQ> "Proud Symbol of America Vanquishes German Canine Named for Hitler's Fraulein"
<spinn> heh
<spinn> yeah, shit, the story's 55-odd years too late, isn't it


<SeanQ> do you take suggestions for ratings topics, or would you rther wander the countryside waiting for inspiration?
<Lore> Well, that's a complicated issue.
<Freyja> we should all send you some snack food you could review.
<ristoril> maybe you could rate countrysides
* Lore sits on a cracker barrel, lights a corncob pipe.
<Lore> You see...
* SeanQ whips up a batch of S'mores
<Lore> There are two difficulties with taking Ratings suggestions.
<Lore> The first is that I don't like not giving credit, but if I start putting "Tip O'The Brunching to Judas McDirtypanties for today's Rating idea," the whole deal becomes uncomfortably close to "Pluggers."
<Lore> I suppose I could do what Scott Adams does and say "Send me ideas. Your reward shall be the honor of being plaigarized."
<Lore> Or perhaps plagiarized.
<SeanQ> how about 'ripped off'
<Lore> So that's the first reason I don't solicit ideas for Ratings.
<SeanQ> i see your point, it could get like 'They'll Do It Every Time'
<Lore> The second, and this is more minor, is that the problem is not so much in getting ideas, as in getting ideas I can use.
<Lore> The McDonaldland one is actually the first one I can use that I've gotten all year.
<ristoril> maybe you should rate rating suggestions
<ristoril> in a delicious twist of.... umm... something
<keith> You could rate candy bars from japan.
<SeanQ> so you don't want to risk offending folks by telling them that their 'why don't you rate sexual lubricants?' idea sucks eggs?
<Lore> A lot of times the ideas aren't BAD, but I just don't have anything to say, or I don't know enough about the subject, or everything is so similar I'm going to be out of points to make by the third item.
<Lore> Actually, that's a good example of a sucky one.
<Lore> Sexual lubricants sounds like a nutty-fun idea that people would like, but once I covered the difference between oil and water based lubricants and came up with something snide to say about the word "Astroglide," I'd be tapped.
<Lore> If it's someone in person, then yeah I feel a little strange saying "No, that sucks."
<Lore> Mostly my friends have learned to translate "Eh, maybe" as "Your idea offends me and my issue with its pathetic dumbness."
<me_tew> You could always rate ratings. "A" would get an A 'cause it's what all the others aspire to be, "B" would get a B for effort...
<Lore> me_tew: Eh, maybe.


<tieboy> i lose
<Lore> Are you more annoyed now?
<tieboy> if it were possible, i would be
<tieboy> but i simply cannot be more annoyed, bothered, or grouchy than i am
<Down10> Hey, tie, you want to go see a flick with GC and me
<Lore> What if you were wearing a crocheted turtleneck?
<Lore> What if some 50-year-old guy with really bad garlic breath were leaning over your desk and describing the horseshoes tournament he was in last week?
<Down10> It'll be so much FUN!
<tieboy> it might cover the stench of the kid who came in an hour ago, anyway
<Elkman> And what if the guy ate garlic-flavored breath mints first?
<spinn> but then they wouldn't be mints
<spinn> they would be garlicks or something
<Lore> Garments
<zompist> curiously fetid mints
<mdxi> how about if they made you sit in a plastic lunchroom chair, with the back piece half broken off so it's all floppy and you can't lean back or you sag ot one side unless you lean against the other edge so that the corner presses against your spine?
<mdxi> i hated that chair
<tieboy> i've had worse
<Lore> What if two beautiful women came in, took you into the back room and performed a full massage with release while intermittently kissing each other in front of you and feeding you chocolate-covered strawberries?
<SeanQ> strawberries give him hives
<zompist> and then they removed their rubber face masks, turning into down and gc?
<Lore> Actually, I was just hoping that once he realized how unlikely the above scenario is, it might make him more grumpy.
<tieboy> i am actively campaigning God to burn you all where you stand
<tieboy> or sit
<zompist> must've worked, lore!
<SeanQ> cool, it's fucking freezing inhere today
<tieboy> you horrible fucks
<tieboy> die
<Elkman> I heard that they're wiring up an intercom to the building's door, so they can keep it locked.
<tieboy> shut up
<tieboy> cock
<zompist> ...carnally!
<Elkman> And just in case the intercom doesn't work, there's a beeper system for a backup/.
<Lore> Also, they need you to type for some guy with RSI.
<SeanQ> and here's the woprst part of all - Elkman'
<SeanQ> s old company made the back-up
<SeanQ> and I typed the instructions
<Lore> Please make one copy of this one document on the copy machine that's five feet from us.
<spinn> carnally?
<Kyol> carnally.
<spinn> okay then


<mdxi> 'Barbara "shopping mall: hitchhiker's guide to the gal axe easy" Mikkelson'
<mdxi> Biggest. Stretch. Ever.
<Leth> wow
<Leth> yeah, that's bad
<SeanQ> heh, I finally remembered how to do that voice again (Comic Book Guy)
<SeanQ> had been so long I'd forgotten
<SeanQ> not unlike some other things I used to do.....
* CrazyClimber muses, "if only elkman were here to finish the sentence"
<Lore> Hit 'cha curse guy (dude) the gal axe easy
<Lore> Hi chai curds goy tuba gala ecstasy.
<Lore> Hid jerker sky tooth ah gall eggs over easy
<Lore> Hoochie coo ga ga argh aggle aggle aggle
<Lore> Red's turn aunt add thin dover you need verse.
<CrazyClimber> rest your Ann thatched eHen dove thrown knee verbs
<CrazyClimber> my life's work is done.
<mdxi> Chong dank bee-line hove she-mole
<Freyja> So oolong auntie anhks foray alter finch
<Lore> Blap blap thrrp punky punky fuck you all.
<Samwise> OK, shawn, WTF.
<mdxi> Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul (naturally)
<mdxi> not a HH book, but Adams
<SeanQ> of course, 'Addict canary oft ochre yen bee'
<SeanQ> (Lay dens teddies onion doe your paean tan)


<spinn> that makes lots of no sense to me
<Lore> Sorry, it was a conversation we were having while you two were losers.
<Lore> I mean, elsewhere.
<spinn> well in that case I guess it doesn't bite me


<Photon> What is it with women wanting me to make my own lava lamps?
<spinn> so women approach you and tell you to make your own lava lamps?
<raven> I hate when that happens.
<DnaError> the elderly ask me to build perpetual motion machines
<spinn> I don't get that one as much as greek orthodox ministers telling me to stack boxes
<DnaError> I was onced told by an eldery coffee vender to shave llamas
<raven> Huh. I thought that was a Lutheran thing, greg.
<spinn> as I understand it, directing people to stack boxes is down to the conscience of the individual churchgoer
<tieboy> I get retired Kentuckian land surveyors wanting me to summarize waterfowl migratory patterns
<spinn> didn't know there was much of a retired kentuckian land surveyor community in the greater SF area
<tieboy> well, i don't get it very often


<tieboy> oh, huzzah! they're going to be interviewing people for this position by the end of the week
<tieboy> thank you jeebus, thank you
<Elkman> Do the words "bulletproof vest" appear in the position description?
<raven> make sure you leave them directions to the TB clinic
<spinn> post-its on the monitor with emergency numbers and clinics on them
<tieboy> oh, i've got an emergency list right here
<tieboy> and the crisis manual and everything
<tieboy> title: "So, You've Got A Gun Stuck In Your Face!"
<ristoril> and other informative titles
*** SIGNOFF: ristoril (Quit: like, "Who Moved My Stungun?")
<tieboy> "Do you want to avoid getting aired out by a gat? Sure, we all do!"
<spinn> with courses in "learning the soiled underwear"
<rJak> And remedial courses in "screeaming unintelligably."
<tieboy> stop, drop, and well that's pretty much it
<Elkman> "Stop, drop, and froth."
<antihero> "Now you can roll with the homies, in only 24 easy lessons!"


<Kyol> o/' three hundred thousand things in my dock, three hundred thousand thiiiiing... o/'
<spinn> o/` open a document, drop it down...oh fuck, kernel panic


<mdxi> well this is sort of depressing. just found an old backup of my entire home directory from November 16, 1999...and it's pretty clear that i'd already been hanging out here for roughly a year at that point.
<mdxi> i've spent about 1/5 of my LIFE talking to you people
<mdxi> i hope you're happy
<Leth> actually, we're pretty fucking sick of you
<spinn> yeah, christ, we've been looking at you a fifth of your life
<spinn> sick of the sight of you
<CrazyClimber> not always the best fifth either, i might add
<spinn> no, there were those drunken months
<spinn> I don't wanna live through that again
<Freyja> I still think you're funny, but I haven't been putting up with you for very long. I'm still naive.
<mdxi> i'm not funny. i'm sad. sad, bitter, and broken on the wheel of life.
<Freyja> but in an entertaining way
<mdxi> i shall write an avant-garde one act play about it
<DnaError> called "Staring into the Spinnwebe"
<raven> I'm calling my sw memoirs "FUCKERS."
<Lore> Heh.
<Lore> "FUCKERS!: The Heather Garvey Story"
<DnaError> "My Logs, My pain"
<Lore> "The Life and Times of Chester A. Arthur: The Lore Sjoberg Story"


<Lore> Who wants to hear my bio, then?
<CrazyClimber> were you rocketed to earth as an infant just before your planet exploded?
<CrazyClimber> or was it more finding a glowing green lantern near the railroad tracks?
<zompist> that's why brunching never uses the color yellow!
<antihero> or, on a field trip, did a mysteriously glowing spider bite you?
<CrazyClimber> nah, that's been done
<Lore> Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. He edits and writes for The Brunching Shuttlecocks (http://www.brunching.com/), a popular online humor magazine. His hobbies include doubt, ennui, angst, regret, uncertainty, resignation and puppetry.
<CrazyClimber> heh.
<antihero> hehehe
<Lore> Thank you.
<zompist> can we have a puppet show?
<Lore> Sure, if you don't mind a denim curtain and a cotton stage.


* CrazyClimber always helpfully recommends the serial comma
<zompist> i lived next door to a serial comma... it always seemed so quiet


<spinn> okay, anyone want to look at the a1 interface in progress?
<CrazyClimber> i usually just let it drip out of the bottle. haw haw!
<CrazyClimber> i mean, sure, i'll look.
<spinn> oop, I found a bug. hold on.
<tieboy> now i want steak
<tieboy> fuck
<CrazyClimber> all we've got is a bug, but it might be edible.
<Djelibeybi> And, lots of bugs are Kosher too.
<rJak> ALL bugs are kosher.
<CrazyClimber> i swear, the centipede i got the other night had cloven hooves.
<CrazyClimber> maybe it was just dressed formally, though.
<rJak> Did it chew the cud?
<zompist> shellfish aren't kosher, right? so i would assume that pillbugs aren't, either.
<SeanQ> what if a rabbi statred the pot boiling, would the lobster be Kosher then?
<wabewalkr> Spiders are related to lobsters.
<wabewalkr> If he were Catholic, he could transubstantiate the lobster into beef.


<CrazyClimber> so there's still an archive, but it isn't as archivy as the old archive?
<spinn> right
<spinn> trying to think if I should call it something else actually
<spinn> but I already have "locked" and "closed" I think
<CrazyClimber> "off-limits to the likes of you"
<tieboy> "dead"
<SeanQ> "frozen"
<SeanQ> "petrified"
<SeanQ> "dormant"
<CrazyClimber> "blending into the background"
<SeanQ> "pining"
<CrazyClimber> "camouflaged"
<tieboy> "whacked"
<rJak> "eviscerated"
<rJak> "boinked"?
<tieboy> "pre-captioned"
<tieboy> "capshunned"
<CrazyClimber> "discreet"
<tieboy> "adult swim"
<antihero> "sitting to the side, hoping no one notices"
<rJak> "waiting for Godot, or the editor this week."
<ristoril> "shadow captions"
<CrazyClimber> "on the earth-2 that dc so flippantly discarded"
<rJak> "slapped by Linna"
<CrazyClimber> "near that fallen tree in the forest"


<Lore> I'm using Mozilla and it's fine.
<Lore> But then, I pronounce it "mohs-EE-yah."
<zompist> heh, i like that
<antihero> i think i'll start saying it that way
<antihero> i don't even think i CAN say it the other way anymore
<mdxi> My woman, Mozilla, she has a fine, firey spirit. Just like Cuervo Gold imported Mexican Tequila
<antihero> donde esta pantalones de Mozilla?
<mdxi> El casa de Jorge


<random> did you get a log?
[Log Bloorf]
*** SIGNOFF: random (Excess Flood)
<spinn> oh good
<raven> DCC it!
<spinn> or fax it
<SeanQ> write it out longhand and send it via DHL
<Freyja> smoke signals
<SeanQ> or write it out long-hand, roll it up and put it into a small cardboard tube, and send it via DML
*** random has joined #spinnwebe
<random> oh holy fucking crap
<random> i'm sorry
<spinn> yes, you're out of favor now
<Freyja> sorry won't cut it
* raven turns her back on random in the ritual shunning.
<spinn> we're thinking of giving your lands to baron dunwell-to-the-thames
<spinn> on the
<spinn> damnit
<Freyja> no worry spinn, still gets a snnkt
<spinn> yes, but my BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL PUNCHLINE
<random> oh damnit. i'll just kill myself or something.
<random> god i suck.
* SeanQ hands random the Scarlet F sweater


<CrazyClimber> i mean, sure, there's a fuck and a shit or two, but that's true everywhere.
<tieboy> especially the bathroom at a gay bar
<Lore> Even at a nunnery?
<Lore> Or on Sesame Street?
<Lore> "FIVE! FIVE fucking apples! Ah ah ah ah!"
<tieboy> "Elmo has something to tell you! Elmo tired of explaining the fucking letter G!"


<Samwise> Maybe lore could be a bouncer.
<Samwise> "Sorry, buddy, you've had enough. Now are you gonna leave nicely, or do I have to call the Swede?"
<Leth> heh
<Leth> "*gasp* The Swede?!" <cower>
<spinn> heheh
<spinn> dramatic swoop down to the end of the bar where lore's reading a paperback
<Leth> like Harvey Keitel's character in Pulp Fiction
<spinn> doesn't move his eyes or anything, except his right eyebrow goes up
<Lore> Heh.
<Lore> I'm glad you guys are all so busy constructing a fantasy life for me.
<Lore> I just don't want to end up like Patrick Swayze in "Roadhouse."


<tieboy> ugh. crackhead birthday party
<spinn> "o/` haaappy birthday to " BLAM BLAM BLAM
<tieboy> "Make a wish! But please don't wish for crack."
<Machival> "Mmmmm... Is that powdered sugar on the cake?" "Uhhh... yeah... sure."
<raven> "And from Sarah we have...<unwrap, unwrap>..."crack rocks! Thanks! It's what I always wanted!"


<DnaError> why not just have a skank royal rumble free for all
<Elkman> I don't think Fox could air a show named "Skank Royal Rumble". They need to let their standards slip for a couple more years first.
<tieboy> i dunno, they showed that 'Big Dumbs Fucks Hurting Themselves With Pliers' last month
<Elkman> Damn. My TiVo didn't record that one.
<DnaError> I perfered "Eat Your Skin"
<mdxi> "When Sausage Dogs Attack Cuisinarts" was pretty good
<tieboy> "When Karate Students Attack Punching Bags" was a bit dull
<Elkman> And "World's Wildest Funeral Processions" was kind of a downer.
<DnaError> So was "When Fat guys attack Food"
<DnaError> "Clowns Gone Wild" was surprsingly entertaining
<mdxi> "World's Most Violent Bowel Movements" was disappointing


<spinn> so, celery
<spinn> wish I had some celery
<zompist> eeewww, i'm glad you don't
<spinn> I do. I feel like snacking and it's healthy
<Samwise> But... celery?
<spinn> yep
<DnaError> Screw healthy, get a steak
<ristoril> are you garnishing your celery?
<spinn> hm
<Samwise> "Boy, if only I could eat something that would leave a pithy, stringy mess in my mouth when I try to chew it!"
<mdxi> be sure to wrap some lettuce around it first for extra crunchy-water action
<spinn> actually I was trying to derail the dumb riff, but look what it got me
<tieboy> sucker
<zompist> spinn wants to *suck* on celery?
<DnaError> Yes...he's sublimating something terrible.
<spinn> okay zomp now you're doing this on purpose.
<ristoril> sin't celery supposedly the one that you expend more energy eating than you get from digesting it?
<ristoril> or.... something
<spinn> yes
<spinn> huh, dang
<Down10> celery humor can only go so far
<spinn> suddenly I actually do want celery
<DnaError> the riff has become reality...the circle is unbroken
<GhostCoder> WIth penut butter and raisins?
<Down10> Mmm... celery sticks with ranch dressing
<zompist> this quarter hour brought to you by the celery board
* Samwise waits for the celery update and new amusing size reference pictures
<tieboy> my celery-eater's breath smells like celery
<mdxi> O Celery / O Celery / Thy odd flavor bewitches / O Celery / O Celery / Though not upon sandwiches / A vegetable aromatic / Add you to stocks; automatic / O Celery / O Celery / Okay this sucks I'm done now
* tieboy holds his lit zippo aloft


<DnaError> tie is picking up things from the job
<tieboy> not without putting on gloves i ain't


<tieboy> acckptthhh ptoo pttoo flavored coffee
<me_tew> "I'll have an iced Acckptthhh Ptoo Pttoo, please."
<hockeyfag> I like my coffee like my men.. hot and straight
* SeanQ had $5 on 'black with cream and sugar'
<spinn> I would've went "with syrup and extra foam"
<spinn> or maybe "anonymous in the dark corner of the bar"
<SeanQ> how about '100$ Colombian'?


<Lore> Aw, heck.
<Lore> I realized I had an entire joke precipitated on the fact that all-caps can be both initials and emphasis, without realizing that in typeset books, emphasis is denoted by italics.
<CrazyClimber> on the web, it should be, as well.
<Lore> That's true, but I was writing in Courier and forgot to use underlines instead.
<Lore> Nobody to blame but myself.
<CrazyClimber> don't be so hard on yourself; scapegoats abound.
<Lore> Pikachu, I blame you!
<CrazyClimber> i could have pointed it out when it appeared, but instead drew the blanket of complacency more warmly and snugly around me.


<tieboy> something i've never seen chess guys do is handicap themselves
<tieboy> like, start off with a rook and a pawn and still kick your ass
<spinn> heh
<spinn> a knight, a pawn, and a bishop with a limp


<Dodge> Oh, hey, this'll make some of you laugh.
<Dodge> As a part of "Soldiers in the Classroom", I am going to be a part-time high school math teacher.
<Lore> Soldiers in the Classroom
<Freyja> Reichsmarschal Von Cheese
<ristoril> there are part-time high schools?
<Lore> I'm hoping that's followed up with "Schoolma'ams on the battlefield."
<Dodge> "Soldiers in the Classroom" is this concept where military members take part of their duty time to work in the American school system over here.
<mdxi> Freyja: they should have said "Kaese"
<Lore> Is this for the benefit of the soldiers or the schools or the kids?
<Dodge> Apparently, my mad mathematical skillz have qualified me to teach Algebra.
<Freyja> no kidding, but it still strikes me as incredibly funny for some reason
<mdxi> i think i'm partial to MAJOR McFLABWOBBLE
<Dodge> Allegedly...it's mutually beneficial. The kids get some diversity in education, and the soldiers (and airman and sailors and marines) get to cut out of work early.
<Lore> It just seems like an odd concept to me. "Firefighters Provide Free Pregnancy Counseling" or something.
<tieboy> so you'll be teaching them Wartime Algebra?
<Dodge> Well, it's pertinent to my job function, in a way.
<mdxi> Neurosurgeons on the Construction Site
<Dodge> I'm an electrical engineer, so I'd go do a lab on Ohm's Law or something.
<Lore> "Now if the mamby-pampy liberals in Washington cut defense spending, how many days will you survive in the aftermath of a Chinese atom bomb before your flesh rots away?"
<Lore> Paramedics Teach Line Dancing to Bored Midwestern Teens
<Dodge> Lore, ok, the rate of flesh rotting is a function of planck's constant.
<mdxi> Ultraviolet Catastrophe, next week at Carlsen's Pub
<Dodge> And, we must multiply that by the yield of a Chinese nuke, which is on chart A-3 in your workbook.
<Dodge> Actually, I need to come up with something to fill an hour. Ohm's Law ain't gonna cut it.
<Dodge> And voltage/resistance/current equations are boring.
<mdxi> what's a Chinese nuclear bomb? One entire Chinese nuclear family, sealed in a metal casing and airdropped from 65,000 feet?
<mdxi> you do comms. explain how to send porn using AX.25 or slow-scan TV
<Dodge> Actually, mdxi, that's not a bad idea.
<Dodge> Maybe not porn, but slow-scan imaging...I've got the eq for that...and it could hold teenager's interest for 30 minutes or so.


<spinn> I'm irreamused
<Dodge> What's that? You got irradiated amusements?
<Freyja> snnkt
<spinn> no, it's the opposite of amused
<Dodge> Sorry, I'm still on the Chinese nukes. Slow-scan IRC.
<Freyja> nonono, it's emphatic
<spinn> in much the way "irregardless" is the opposite of "regardless"
<mdxi> it's irirrelevant
<spinn> oh, wait, yeah
<spinn> I forgot about it being emphasis
<spinn> okay, I take that back. I'm irsorry.
<mdxi> i just wanted to type "irirrelevant'
<Dodge> I think yuh tawlk real purty.
<mdxi> irirradiation
<spinn> how irirreverent of you, shawn
<SeanQ> i'm irrepentant
<spinn> wwell see, I don't know if that's opposite or emphasized now
<SeanQ> and I'd do it again, if I could fina a way to be irrepetitive
<Lore> I'm merely ritated, then.
<spinn> if only there were rules


<Lore> I think there needs to be a handy term for "ridiculous levels of fantasy/sci-fi trope juxtaposition in a single character."
<Lore> Like cyborg wizard furry elf samurai.
<Samwise> "stupid"?
<Lore> Too general.
<Lore> While still clearly accurate.
<CrazyClimber> "dork" is an f-stop closer, but i think we're still a few stops away.
<SeanQ> how about 'hypertyped'
<SeanQ> has a nice alliterative ring to it
<Lore> Hrm. That's good.
<spinn> yes! I second the motion
<spinn> motion passed and carried
<Lore> But the noun for someone who does that would be "hypertyper" which makes me think 100 WPM.
<CrazyClimber> too late, the motion passed and carried.
<CrazyClimber> unless spinn was out of order. i don't have a robert's rules handy.
<Lore> Ah, but you forget that a motion to kiss my ass is always in order.
<CrazyClimber> i'm sure boi will be here eventually. you'll just have to wait.
<SeanQ> well, as a term for 'one who hypertypes', I humbly submit '%EA%B0%81%EC%9E%90 %EC%82%BD%EC%9E%85'
<me_tew> And the kill goes to Sean.
<CrazyClimber> no, actually, i was just thinking his line was too good for a kill. i'll take the bullet on this one.
<me_tew> <audience applause>
<me_tew> Wait, the kill is in dispute...
<CrazyClimber> do we have a french judge in the house?
<me_tew> The judges are confering...
<me_tew> The judges are waiting for a bribe...
<me_tew> And the kill is charged to CC, without objection.
<me_tew> And a kill for me, I see.
<me_tew> Fine, be that way.
*** SIGNOFF: me_tew (Quit: Bye y'all!)
<SeanQ> i want credit for *that* one
<ristoril> no
<spinn> can't we agree that we all helped
<SeanQ> leme see if I did this right, now....
<SeanQ> jeeb, me_tew?
<jeeb> me_tew is probably 'wet_em' spelled backwards, so watch \ shoes!
<SeanQ> jeeb, me_tew?
<jeeb> me_tew is the unknowable force that steals \ socks and gets \ crotch hairs stuck in \ tighty-whities


<tieboy> oh, hey, one of our client's husbands got murdered. Isn't that nice?
<spinn> no
<Drusilla> no.
<spinn> actually that's pretty awful
<tieboy> oh, good point
<spinn> that's sweet, we're starting to say the same things
<Drusilla> oh goody.
<tieboy> one one client skipped his anger managment class, got angry with us, threatened to kill us, and it also turns out he's knocked up one of our other clients
<spinn> 'course it's pretty easy when it's you saying "no"
<spinn> did you felicitate a dialogation?
<tieboy> and, one of our teenage female pregnant homeless clients has tb.
<tieboy> welp! off to write my wacky update!
<spinn> crap
<Drusilla> oy
<tieboy> i'm glad to see you're no longer hindering language development, spinn
<spinn> irredumbass
<tieboy> lankwitch davellapmant, i mean
<tieboy> meen
<spinn> languadivinitch devuptuation
<spinn> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
<Drusilla> yeah, you mean "please kick me in the crotch for my poor language skills"
<spinn> heheh
<spinn> yes, that was the message
<spinn> irregardless of the actual words used
<spinn> and by "not regardless" there, I mean "really, really regardless"


<Draymoor> Spinn, haven't you read Zomp's rant? It's irhappy.
<spinn> I have
<spinn> we both called you a dumbass, we just used different words doing it
<Draymoor> Except for one thing. Zomp did agree I was right ;)
<spinn> we both called you a dumbass, we just used different words doing it
<Draymoor> I don't care as long as I'm right. I'm not using irregardless anymore except for making fun of people who are so touchy about it.
<spinn> 'kay. as long as we understand you're wrong, I have no problem with it anymore
<Draymoor> I mean, it's not like there's not something stupid about waging two days over two silly letters
<Draymoor> waging two days of debate, rather
<spinn> could be, I suppose, though I've had a lot of fun pointing out your dumbassedness
<Draymoor> And I've had a lot of fun being right despite that. Just as long as there's no rancor between us.
<spinn> nah, not really
<spinn> I'd probably be aggravated about it if it weren't clear you were wrong
<Draymoor> I'll be the better man here and stop before we go arround in circles for another 2 days.
<spinn> the better, but wronger, man


<tieboy> y'know, the great thing about this channel is that we can all go through a harsh, brutal conversation like that, and still wind up bitter and wary of each other


<Drusilla> speaking of disliking sci-fi, i have to completely destroy this entire series
<spinn> which?
<Lore> This one.
<Lore> The one right here.
* Lore points.
<spinn> oic
<raven> Oh, *THIS* one!
<spinn> no, the blue one
<spinn> behind that
<mdxi> no, no, the one next to that
<mdxi> yeah
<mdxi> there
<raven> Are you sure?
<tieboy> me?
<mdxi> <ALL> NO!
<mdxi> *laughtrack*
<spinn> it needed destroyin', yer honor


<Samwise> You know... debugging/supporting a dead man's code makes you get reeeeally good at writing comments.
<zompist> comments about the dead man, mostly?
<Samwise> No, I mostly just say those out loud.
<CrazyClimber> "10 REM WHY DID YOU DIE BEFORE DEBUGGING THIS ENDLESS LOOP YOU FUCKER"
<Lore> "Dead Man's Code" would be a good title for a mystery short story.
<zompist> "REM"? bob, you hopeless anachronism
<Lore> Or a blues song: "Oh Lord/Oh Lordy Lord/I just spend my life supporting a dead man's code."
<CrazyClimber> at least i'm not singing the blues unlike some old-timers here
<Lore> The blues are forever, man.
<Lore> Why do you think they made "Blues Brothers 2000"? Huh? Huh?
<zompist> the blues chose a good color... i don't think they'd be as popular as "the beiges"
<Lore> "I got the ecrus reeal bad..."
<zompist> sounds like a disease
<Samwise> and the vermillions sounds like a band, not a style
<CrazyClimber> the teals would probably be an a cappella group
<Samwise> the off-whites, gangsta rap.
<CrazyClimber> there actually is an alt-country band called the blacks.
<zompist> the burnt umbers would be a good band name
<Samwise> the taupes... at the next Lilith.
<CrazyClimber> the ochres would be a folkie tribute band.
<Samwise> the chartreuses, all-girl band back in the 50's


[Re : the sport of curling]
<Leth> instead of rocks you should use heads
<Leth> or babies
<Mia_D> Babies on ice!
<raven> Dude, heads would totally stick to the ice.
<raven> Just like tongues on a flagpole.
<Drusilla> eeeeeeeeew
<Leth> so instead of sweepers you have scrapers
<raven> eeeeeeewww
<Leth> give em windshield scrapers and off they go
<raven> that's hilarious.
<Leth> I suppose spatulas would work too, but that's not a winter motif
<raven> snow shovels?


<agent_orange> CC! {cough}
<CC> you've been sick a lot lately, agt
<agent_orange> hello to all {blow sneeze juice all over channel}
<agent_orange> no kidding
<agent_orange> I think my workplace has sick building syndrome, or something
<CC> everyone else getting sick too?
<agent_orange> oh, yeah. we're spreading it around quite nicely
<CC> it's only polite to share.
<CC> new building?
<agent_orange> old
<agent_orange> cramped
<CC> brick?
<agent_orange> yup
<CC> germs can live in brick, i hear
<agent_orange> not up to code, I'll bet
<agent_orange> rats in the walls
<CC> bastards
<Leth> of course the fact that you essentially live in a giant swamp doesn't help either
<agent_orange> dampness does breed naughty bugs
<CC> it seems like it should all cancel out
<CC> you from around there, agt, or you still building up an immunity?
<agent_orange> well, I suspect my new designer is inbred, so she's probably a carrier
<agent_orange> CC: still building. I'm from upper michigan
<CC> oh, geez.
<agent_orange> Malaria: A Cajun Tradition
<CC> so it's like a lifetime of bacteria is fighting for survival while the new bugs try to wipe 'em all out.
<agent_orange> I've been here for some time, but I still get het harder than most
<agent_orange> hit, that is
<CC> well, both ways work.
<Leth> kinda like typing in the appropriate accent
<Morwen> Hello! How is everyone on this bright sunny day?
* agent_orange parcels out a flagon of infected sputum for morwen
<agent_orange> bottoms up!
<Morwen> How'd you know I was hungry!
<CC> could you fill my Nori(c) with that, agt?
<agent_orange> it's red and green! just like christmastime!


<Leth> oh, email from the HR toady... I asked what was offensive about cecilweed, and here's the response:
<Leth> To someone who does not know whatever reason you named the host cecilweed, the name could connote drug use or endorsement of drug use, and therefore is inappropriate for company use.
<CC> how does /he/ know it could mean that?
<SeanQ> leth: rename it "maryjane"
<mdxi> rename it "cocksucker". nothing ambiguous or drug-related there.
<SeanQ> or "ragweed"
<SeanQ> or Sweden
<agent_orange> Ceciltea
<Leth> actually, I was thinking of naming it analretentive, just to see what he does with THAT
<agent_orange> CecilKillerSinsemilla
<agent_orange> "endorsement of drug use"?
<agent_orange> Server # SmokeDopeAndKillYourParents
<Leth> thank god he's only emailing me... he's a Quebequois (sp?) complete with Maurice Chevaulier accent and a lazy eye. I have a tough time keeping a straight face when he talks to me
<Leth> "Zees Ceecilweed, she is a drug name, no?"


<SeanQ> huh, sports headline: "Skater Galindo HIV Positive"
<SeanQ> subheadline: "To the Surprise of Absolutely Noone"


<agent_orange> CC: I have an LC II I'll sell you for 50
<agent_orange> okay, 20
<agent_orange> okay, 10
* CrazyClimber waits
<agent_orange> fine, 5
<rJak> Five and a desert boat.
* CrazyClimber waits
<agent_orange> 2.25 and a handjob
<rJak> Hold out for 1.25 and the vibrator, bob.
<agent_orange> cab fare and a kiss
<CrazyClimber> how much tongue?
<agent_orange> 1.35"
<CrazyClimber> nah, i'll take the handjob.
<mdxi> spare change and a pat on the ass
<agent_orange> okay, .5", but don't tell anyone
<CrazyClimber> now, this is while you still have the cold, right?
<rJak> Say, how much just for the monitor?
* agent_orange douses his LCII in bleach
<agent_orange> actually, we're giving it to my dull-normal brother in law, so his kids can hit it with sticks and stuff


<spinn> whoo!
<spinn> I! never! suck!
<spinn> I! never! suck!
<LJ-atwork> spinn: ummm?
<spinn> nevermind. sorry. I shouldn've gone into my own channel and typed that.
<LJ-atwork> you're good enough, smart enough, and people like you
<kaufman> *** spinn has joined #WeirdNewscasters
<rJak> Was that an affirmationm?
<agent_orange> I! Just! Help! Lonely! Guys!
<spinn> well
<spinn> the long story version is that I occasionally have bouts with inferiority
<spinn> but then I realized a few weeks ago, that even if I'm not always great, I /never/ suck
<spinn> which already makes me damn good
<LJ-atwork> heh
<spinn> but, I've been fighting with this thing all day and it's just now looking like I'm going to be able to work it out
<spinn> so, I'm happy.
<LJ-atwork> and people like you
<CrazyClimber> what about people like spinn?
* agent_orange gave in and now takes pills for than
<agent_orange> that
<agent_orange> which help
<agent_orange> a little
<shil> evidently they dont' help spelling ;)
<shil> or, typing, rather :)
<CrazyClimber> yeah, just wait until they come out with pills for compiling problems
<CrazyClimber> then we'll see who laughs
<shil> hahahah
<agent_orange> spelling is genetic. self-esteem is bred.
<agent_orange> I suspect everyone here felt wierd for being smart at one time or another
<agent_orange> s/wierd/shamed
<rJak> I think i was smart once, but I attributed it to gas.
<CrazyClimber> x loop it Sometimes I feel smart for being weird.
<jeeb> CrazyClimber: To times I think sly for being bizzarro.
<ZompistThatWasAShortMeeting> yes! me too! i also think sly for being bizzarro.
<agent_orange> Repo Man: "Ordinary fuckin' people. I hate 'em."
<CrazyClimber> x loop de Sometimes I feel smart for being weird.
<jeeb> CrazyClimber: Sometimes feel me strangely intelligent I for its.
<rJak> feel up intelligence?
<ZompistThatWasAShortMeeting> intelligence is always worth a feel.


<SeanQ> heheh, nice Quotes FAQ, raven
<SeanQ> wher do I send log files again?
<Elkman> She can't hear you. She's at the bar.
<zompist> i think she said to do anything but mail them to her. she hates that.
<zompist> you can try submitting them as captions and hope she edits.
<CrazyClimber> or call. it can't be a frequently asked question if you never ask.
* SeanQ sends Raven quotes via DCC, fax, snail mail, telephone, and carrier pigeon
<CrazyClimber> we should set up a conference call, get her answering machine at home, and read our own lines.
<K-Man> And all read them at the same time.
<zompist> can someone hack into motorola and change the motd?
<Leth> does the mac irc client still have voice synth? just set up a tape recorder
<zompist> or, mail all the logs from last august and say "can you find that funny conversation about breasts that we had, i think in this month?"
<CrazyClimber> oh for the early days of the mac, when you could patch the speaker directly into the phone wall jack
* SeanQ sets up the video camera to tape himself signing the quotes in semaphore and ASL


<kaufman> 23 captions waiting
<zompist> i just want to see if mine get in. :)
<kaufman> you trust me over raven? :-)
<zompist> she's not here. :)
<zompist> besides, high-ranking ruffiani all trust each other... but still pat each other down for weapons.


<shil> what about the sepia zone?
<shil> heh.. the sepia zone could be for jokes that take a few mintues to get.
<zompist> there's also the brownish-orange, corn-flecked zone for jokes that register quickly, but require therapy to erase.


<kaufman> ok, soup's up
<LJ-atwork> ewww, ken
<kaufman> lemme rephrase :-)
<kaufman> iadl's up. no soup here, and it's not LJ's


<agent_orange> Damn, Mdxi, you been busy or what: http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/02/19/crematory.bodies/index.html
<rJak> This is one of the main reasons why I plann not to be cremated. My body might wind up in a shack in Atlanta instead.
<tieboy> by the looks of it, he's been slacking off, actually
<rJak> Maybe they had a bottleneck.
<agent_orange> I'm sure he was planing to get around to them
<rJak> ...a...er...three year bottleneck.
<agent_orange> probaby had to run to the kroger for more briquettes
<rJak> How fast DOES it take for a body to get reduced to ash anyway?
<rJak> Surely it's not THAT hard to throw a body into an oven and nuke it.
<agent_orange> I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation
<rJak> One does not immediately come to mind, tho.
<tieboy> t'er pilot went out, and i wuz outta matches
<agent_orange> We had, like, six fat ones in a row
<agent_orange> "Oh! There they are! I set them down to go find some matches and couldn't remember what I did with them!"
<rJak> So what? Scoop the adipose out, get the oven cleaner, then put in five skinnyt ones.
<agent_orange> "Those aren't human corpses! Those are rabbits."
<me_tew> Now _there's_ a commercial for Easy-Off that we'll never see...
<rJak> Come on! I don't think Auschwitz had a problem when it came to cremation!
<me_tew> Better organization there.
<me_tew> Also more than one oven.
<agent_orange> more staff
<rJak> Better benefits, I'd imagine too.
<rJak> But then again...fifty bodies?
<tieboy> i was gonna torch the whole state next month, so i figgered i'd get 'em then
<rJak> How'd they let them stack up like that?
<agent_orange> fifty? d00d. 200.
<me_tew> Well, they probably stack really well.
<Leth> wait till they drain the lake
<Leth> bet there'll be a few more
<tieboy> and look in his fridge
<rJak> Whoah...200?
<tieboy> and counting!
<agent_orange> fifty *today*
<rJak> What kinda half ass company was he RUNNING?
<rJak> What, was he taking the bodies and returning fireplace ashes or something?
<tieboy> i just can't wait for the 'not guilty' plea
<agent_orange> "Quick! The Greenblatts are here! Dump that ashtry into this coffee can!"
<rJak> Not guilty by what? Reason of apathy?
<agent_orange> "See, the media blew it all outta proportion."
<tieboy> a lot of the ashes were just powdered cement
<tieboy> "see, i been on a diet lately, so's i had a lot more leftovers"
<me_tew> Wild guess: He'll claim that he's a Christian, and that if the bodies were burned then they could never be raised up at the end times, so he was keeping the bodies whole so that they would be ready for The Return.
<me_tew> (Rural Georgia, remember?)
<rJak> So? You underestimate the intelligence of the Southerner!
<rJak> He'll just say he was possessed by the devil. That'll work just as well.
<me_tew> Southern born and Southern bred. I never underestimate us any more.
<ristoril> i still like my tea party thory
<rJak> What? You mean the dead guys were there for a tea party?
<ristoril> no
<ristoril> buncha bodies propped up at a table with a tea set
<ristoril> "would you like some more tea, Misses Polly Prissypants?"
<ristoril> <high voice> "yes i'd love some more tea, Eric! You are so smart and strong and wonderful and everyone loves you!"
<rJak> "Why yes I would...ooh. I dropped my eyeball into the earl grey!"
<ristoril> "thank you misses polly prissypants!"
<rJak> Yes, but why would he need 200 bodies, Rist?
<ristoril> cotillion?
<CrazyClimber> if the ice age returned, they could be tied together and used as a raft.
<tieboy> cb for not burning bodies
<agent_orange> cb for stacking the stiffs in the cellar like old newpapers
<CrazyClimber> that's probably about 3500 square feet there, enough for a colony.
* Leth cues up Dead Bodies Everywhere by NIN
<rJak> Maybe he was making them into coatracks or something.
<agent_orange> maybe they were going to burn them in the fireplace for heat
<ristoril> "my assistant is going to stick his hand in this mayonnaise jar to simulate the sound of someone having sex with a corpse"
<tieboy> he was collecting players for the ExFL
<ristoril> his copy of the Necronomicon had been on back order for 4 months
<ristoril> he forgot the number one rule of start up necrophiliac clubs: advertising
<rJak> Maybe he was trying to sell them on eBay for "RealDolls" or something.
<ristoril> 'feels just like real dead human'


<tieboy> huh. those drowned kids were named Luke, John, Paul, Mary, and Noah
<rJak> If another one was named Moses, that would be ironic.
<agent_orange> SO WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW! <gurgle gurgle gurgle>
<ristoril> christ someone wasn't aware the bitch was batfuck pigshit horsefeltching crazy?
<ristoril> one biblical name ought to set the alarms off
<Leth> not in Texas
<ristoril> i have a friend named malachi and I know his parants are off
<rJak> Hey, My sister's named Elizabeth and I'm John. And my parents are fine!
<tieboy> that's a kick-ass name, though
<ristoril> who in the bible was elizabeth?
* ristoril shows his lack of command of Judeo-Christian mythos
<agent_orange> Jesus GF in high schoo;
<rJak> Beth was the mother of John the Baptist.
<tieboy> 'Bitsy'
<ristoril> of course there's something also bent about naming your kids from two biblical characters that were maried
<ristoril> as if TX doesn't have enough incest problems


<Samwise> Yeah, just take my idea and *squeeze* all the funny out of it.
<Freyja> "squeezing the funny" is now my favorite euphemism
<SeanQ> i'm sorry to hear that, Freyja
<Machival> what euphemism used to be your favorite?
<tieboy> "inserting the penis into the vagina and repeatedly thrusting until climax"
<CrazyClimber> that's a euphemism?
<SeanQ> in tie's case, unfortunately, yes


<Lore> Who is disenchanted, anyway?
<Drusilla> a bad clone of me
<spinn> toner needed replacing that day
<Drusilla> it came out all wrinkly too.


<spinn> though I think it's probably mostly true that you can't be in trouble for being 17.997 and sleeping with a bagel that's 18.004
<spinn> though I did go to a pennsylvania law library and look it up once just in case debb's parents gave us trouble
<Lore> You met Debb when she was 17.997?
<antihero> "It was the summer of 1984.877577383. I was 17.997, and the world had never been more promising."
<Lore> I have to say, I probably just would have waited the extra .003 of a year.
<Lore> But, you know, you're only 18.004 once.
<raven> most places have the "two teens in love" clause.
<Lore> Does it specify they have to be in love?
<raven> Yes.
<Drusilla> yes.
<Samwise> Nah, 'cause as soon as you have a legal definition of love, you're going to have to deal with a million marriage annulments.
<raven> There's extensive testing that goes along with the law.
<Drusilla> or infatuated.
<Drusilla> infatuation works too.
<Lore> "10.3.1 For the purposes of this document, 'in love' is defined as 'totally, totally into each other forever no matter what, and you're like totally into the same things and you like each other and are friends and everything and you know that they're, like, totally the only one for you always.'"
<Lore> Your honor, I would like to introduce as evidence Lisa's notebook with Jeremy's name written on it one hundred and twelve times.
<Samwise> "Oh, and either your or your steady's parents are definitely not coming home soon"
<Lore> Note that forty-three of those times there is at least one heart written around his name, and that in addition she wrote her first name and his last sixteen times in different types of handwriting.
<spinn> "and besides, a guy can rupture something if he doesn't get it"
<Drusilla> i've never heard a guy say that.
<raven> yeah, no guy was ever stupid enough to say that to me, either.
<Lore> I was too shy to say anything. I just ruptured.
<raven> Probably because I'd whack him in the crotch with a biology book and tell him to read it and come up with something better.
<Drusilla> heh.
<Lore> "There's a decent chance that I'll get sperm on my Star Wars sheets if I don't get any."
<tieboy> i don't think i'd come back if I were hit in the erection with a book
<Lore> The thing I like here is that Chris isn't entirely sure.
<Lore> "Hitting my cock with a blunt object would sure make me think twice."
<Drusilla> well, yeah.
<Drusilla> she might be hot.
<spinn> well
<spinn> I think that's very honest of him
<antihero> "I swear, you guys rip on me thirteen or fourteen more times... and I'm outta here."


<tieboy> is it ash wednesday?
<GhostCoder> You bet your ash it is.
<Drusilla> yes
<ristoril> ash a shtupid question
<Drusilla> yesterday was madri gras
<Leth> aw hell...I'm supposed to go to my mom's tonight. I'll have to get some dirt on my head
<tieboy> my supervisor has a smear of ash in his forehead the size of a frisbee
<Leth> ask if the priest used his thumb or genitalia to apply it
<Leth> bet your supervisor will laugh
<Drusilla> eeeeww
<tieboy> if it was his thumb, he must suffer from gigantism
<Leth> Catholics *love* priest molestation jokes nowadays
<tieboy> i almost laughed when i saw it
<tieboy> thought it was, like, facepainting day or something
<Drusilla> well, it is.
<tieboy> maybe the church was on fire
<ristoril> maybe they're reviving the Medieval tradition of whanging people on the head with logs from a fire
<Leth> those wacky papists
<Leth> what *will* they think of next?
* raven saw a gal in the hallway who had a ginormous cross from hairline to nose.
<raven> not just the usual smudgey, but a clear giant cross.
<spinn> guess the church is starting up an ad campaign
<Kyol> No kikes in this office, so I've been spared.
<tieboy> if it were my religion, i'd make it a big ash-moustache
<spinn> maybe the priest had a stencil
<spinn> heh
<spinn> yeah, the Holy Telescope of Demarcation
<Leth> kikes?
<raven> A stencil and one of those big Hollywood powder puffs. *WHAP!* "Next!"
<Leth> christ you big poof, get your slurs right
<Kyol> Oh, sorry, sorry.
<Kyol> I was looking for "wop" or something.
<tieboy> he meant 'bog-walkers'
<raven> maybe he means the lack of kikes keeps them from laughing at his big ashy head.
<Leth> yeah, but that's only once a year. They have to wear the silly beanies all the time
<Drusilla> not wop either
<Kyol> Certainly not "gook" or "chink"..
<tieboy> maybe a big can of gray sprarypaint
<tieboy> *SHHK SHHK SHHK* *foooosh*
<raven> That's what the altar boys are for, keeping the cans shaken.
<tieboy> or a paintball machine gun. Priest runs out, dives, rolls, sprays the room
<Leth> I think the Church could do with fewer altar boys shaking their cans
<spinn> "HYAHHHHH!!"
<Leth> "Patri, Filii, Spiritu BANZAI!!!!!"
<raven> "AHHHH! MY EYE!" "Okay, who forgot their goggles?"
<Drusilla> George Carlin was involved in this, I know.
<Leth> "This ain't the faith-healin' religion people....gotta come prepared"


<jacquilynne> What's wrong with Joshie?
<tieboy> it's like Chrissy
<jacquilynne> Oh. As a diminutive, not an Indian name.
<jacquilynne> I get it.
<rJak> And petie.
<Drusilla> yeah
<tieboy> Joshie is an Indian name?
<Drusilla> yes
<tieboy> "Form war party. Take Running Horse, Follows the Wind, Stands Tall, and... Joshie."
<jacquilynne> Tie, yes, but pronounced 'Joe-shee'
<tieboy> "When moon rise over hill and stream run dry, we shall hunt buffalo with Storm Dream, Stone Calf, Eagle's Tail, and... Joshie."
<tieboy> "Our two tribes have best warriors fight. Joshie fight for us. For you... Scooter."


<Samwise> Who says Nebraska is boring? http://www.channel3000.com/news/1235997/detail.html
<Samwise> That's MY HOMETOWN, for anyone keeping score.
* Lore raises his hand.
<Lore> In fact, the reason it took me so long to reply is that reading the word "Nebraska" put me into a brief nacroleptic coma.
<ristoril> maybe it's just a romantic valentine's day dinner gone horribly wrong
<Lore> Oh, please. Severed penises are come and gone in California. We're into tea with tapioca globes in it now.
<Samwise> they're made from monkey come, you know.
<ristoril> californians?
<Samwise> They take these monkeys, and they make them jerk off, and that's what they make tapioca from.
<Lore> Is that at the same factory that puts the spider eggs in gum?
<Samwise> No, they're the competition.
<Lore> IckFoodCo: For all your monkey semen, spider egg, kangaroo meat and carageenan needs!


*** CrazyClimber has left #spinnwebe
*** tieboy has joined #spinnwebe
<Lore> I knew it. Chris and Bob ARE the same person.
<tieboy> with my brains and my brawn, we make a great team
<Kyol> YOu could kick Stephen Hawking's ass ANY day.
<Leth> if the battery was dead on his chair
<spinn> and someone clubbed him with a blackjack first
<GhostCoder> "That would hurt if I could feel my legs."


<GhostCoder> Just so you know, I'm here.
<raven> well I'm relieved.
<Lore> That would explain your name coming up on the userlist.
<NathanR> looks like we ALL have something in common!
<NathanR> what's the chance of that?!
<GhostCoder> Well, I'm more than just an apparition in the channel, I'm a person sitting at a keyboard not chiming in!
<NathanR> ah


<DML> I hate to phrase it like this, but... what kind of name *is* Gygax?
<NathanR> Sounds like a star...
<Lore> That was phrased pretty well, actually.
<Freyja> I wish I had an x in my name
<Lore> Must better than "Gygax, name what kind of is?"
<DML> I know. I could have used Japanese syntax
<Lore> Bite the Gygax Tadpole


<me_tew> Welcome back to the land of the living, Lore.
<Lore> I was in the land of the spaghetti-eaters.
<tieboy> Lady & the Tramp?
<me_tew> Near the Lotus Eaters?
<Lore> Right. Except the spaghetti-eaters can't get away with wearing those white robes.


<DML> Mark, I'm bitter and this is unfunny.
<hockeyfag> why are you bitter, buddy?
<wabewalkr> College & angst go together like bread & butter.


<hockeyfag> OH! guess who called me last night?
<Samwise> Your high school sweetheart?
<hockeyfag> the postal service.. they want me to come back
<wabewalkr> "We're not disgruntled enough. Please come back."


<hockeyfag> cb dml
<jeeb> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUSH A COCK INTO MY FAT FACE
<DML> erm.
<hockeyfag> :)
<spinn> that's ironic, what with you soon going up to mark's place and getting a cock pushed into your fat face
<hockeyfag> are you reading my /msg's?
<DML> Indeed!
<spinn> heh, uh
<spinn> damn, mark, my brain fritzed on what to say to that
<spinn> you out-obvioused me
<SeanQ> prolly a lucky guess
<SeanQ> that or one of the Biblical signs of the apocalypse
<DML> What, cockbot being vaguely accurate?
<me_tew> There are non-Biblical signs of the apocalpse?


<hockeyfag> ugh.. I had some guy out of the blue on yahoo message me.. claims to be 15.. asking me things that scream "I'm a cop"
<hockeyfag> ugh..
<hockeyfag> ignore
<spinn> mark: what kind of thing?
<spinn> I've never been hit on by a cop before
<ristoril> wouldn't this be a good time to practice our baiting powers?
<hockeyfag> no.. he's already ignored..
<Samwise> spinn: perhaps...
<hockeyfag> gone
<hockeyfag> I've had it happen afew times before..
<hockeyfag> A friend of mine got trapped by an officer once online.. he's still fighting it in court
<hockeyfag> cops with too much time on their hands
<Samwise> maybe they liiiike it.
<tieboy> what's your yahoo ID? I_love_tender_young_ass?
<hockeyfag> not quite
<Samwise> Dutch_Boy_WHIRRRRRRR
<Kyol> "copfucker" ?
<tieboy> ask_me_about_my_homosexuality?
<hockeyfag> lose_cum_now_ask_me_how
<DML> little_boy_who_wants_to_be_fucked_by_a_perv_uh_huh_yes_thats_it


*** tieboy has joined #spinnwebe
<me_tew> I would say welcome back, but I won't.
<tieboy> well, that was just as annoying, so well done
<me_tew> Thank you.
<tieboy> You are welcome
<spinn> eh, to be fair, I'd say that was somewhat less annoying
<hockeyfag> I can get boi in to give a demonstration of annoying
<Drusilla> that's all right.
<tieboy> but the impetus behind it was more annoying
<Drusilla> not really
<Freyja> like rapping wasn't annoying
<SeanQ> 'less annoying' like getting a cavity filled is less annoying than getting a root canal
<ristoril> like anal rape with lube is less annoying than anal rape


<Lore> Did he even pretend to be trying to get to know you better, or was it straight into "So, lace or thong?"
<Freyja> nah, it was friendly chatter at first... well, that and obscure chemistry equations
<Kyol> right into "Do you shave your pubes?"
<Lore> I'd be suspicious of anyone who "friendly-chattered" though /msg, and I'm a guy.
<Kyol> "Do your drapes match the carpeting?"
<Drusilla> when people ask me that, they mean actual drapes
<Drusilla> 'cos they're hideous
<Samwise> So, do they match?
<Lore> Wait. They ask you if your actual drapes match your pubic hair?
<Kyol> aaaaaand lore with the pickup.
<Drusilla> no, the actual carpet.
<Kyol> Does _it_ match your hair?
<Drusilla> no.
<Samwise> It's shag.
<Drusilla> we have hard wood floors
<Drusilla> and hideous drapes
<Lore> We really don't need those kind of straight lines.
<raven> Don't be so hard on yourself, Dru.
<raven> I'm sure your "drapes" aren't *that* bad.
<Kyol> And some guys _like_ hardwood floors.


<antihero> i get tired of 12 year old girls (like my wife's sister) with "tease" and everything but "i'll suck your suck, daddy" on their shirts
<tieboy> sounds like you've got some issues, brutha
<tieboy> you know how much i care about what people's shirts say? I care this much.
* tieboy makes no gesture

Disclaimer : These are actual IRC transcripts. Some editing has been done, either by arranging lines slightly (so conversational blocks look coherent), by deleting irrelevant lines, or lumping multiple consecutive lines by the same author together. The actual text and/or the intent of the text has remained untouched. If any of the participants chronicled have issues, objections or comments, please drop me a line.


Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com
I want to submit a log!