IRC Quotes : Page 7

<raven> Any cat people here? I've got a problem with Nicky...
<Leth> I've been known to be handy with a wok
<Lore> Why, I'm a cat person.
<raven> I took Morgan to the vet yesterday - he was gone for a total of 45 minutes, got two vaccs and a blood draw.
<raven> Brought him home and Nicky went BALLISTIC.
<raven> Spent the rest of the night yowling and hissing and attacking MOrgan.
<CrazyClimber> nicky smells the hospital smells on morgan
<Lore> Yeah, I've seen that happen.
<raven> Is there anything I can do to get the hospital stink off him, then? Pack his carrier in coffe grounds or something?
<tieboy> how about a bath
<CrazyClimber> just give it a day or so
<tieboy> rub him with cat nip
<agent_orange> yeah, it'll pass
<CrazyClimber> he'll groom it off of himself
<raven> Because Morgan's going to spend the day there Thrusday to get his teeth cleaned and I don't want Nick beating the crap outta him.
<tieboy> maybe you brought home the wrong cat
<CrazyClimber> ideally you'll coordinate, so they both have the hospital smell at the same time
<raven> I was thinking of confining one of them to the library for a day, until the smells balance out.
<agent_orange> can morgan /nicky spend some time in a separate room for a couple hours?
<agent_orange> jinx
<raven> Heh. Yeah, I guess I'll try that. The pissiness wore off by this morning.
<Lore> We tried catnip and butter, and neither worked.
<agent_orange> butter?
<CrazyClimber> it's better to saute catnip in olive oil
<agent_orange> you buttered your cat?
<Lore> Yes.
<raven> it's the best way to butter the house.
<raven> Cats are effective butter delivery units.
<Lore> We read somewhere to put butter on a cat's forehead.
<agent_orange> did the emolient facilitate insertion?
<Lore> And the other cat licks it off, and likes the first cat, because it tastes like butter.
<Lore> As I said, it didn't work.
<agent_orange> you read sopmewhere to put butter on the cats foreWHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING
<tieboy> rub the two cats together vigorously until they smell like each other
<agent_orange> piss on them both at the same time
<tieboy> KITTY TASTES LIKE BUTTER
<raven> It's more fun to put tape on their feet.
<agent_orange> why not do both
<agent_orange> and then get out the handycam
<Lore> I believe what I was thinking was "Maybe it will work. And even if it doesn't, I get to butter the cat's forehead."
<agent_orange> AFHV would *love* some footage of sticky-pawed, freshly buttered cats trying in vain to avoid a stream of steaming miller lite
<Samwise> You know what helps with feuding cats, Lore? Sending me lots of cash.
<agent_orange> now, see, I read somewhere --
<agent_orange> I think it was leviticus
<agent_orange> -- that what you should do is frost them
<agent_orange> betty crocker, right out of the can
<raven> Chocolate or buttercream?
<jacquilynne> Shit.
<jacquilynne> I just burst out laughing at the 'I get to butter the cat's forehead.'
<jacquilynne> And then realized I wasn't on mute on my conference call.
<Leth> rave: go chocolate, buttercreme isn't pareve
<CrazyClimber> you're frosting meat?
<CrazyClimber> YES I KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID
<agent_orange> and then there'a always Cat Wellington
<agent_orange> "What are you doing in the kitchen, dear?" "Just buttering the cat, pumpkin!"
<agent_orange> "Why don't you baste the chicken while you're at it, too, dear?" "Baste the ... <light bulb> ...Sure! Sure, I'll 'baste the chicken'!"
<CrazyClimber> a google images search for "buttered cat" returns a picture of isaac hayes
<agent_orange> chocolate salty cat balls

<bob> goddamn this cat thing is funny
<SeanQ> oh god it hurts to laugh like this
<SeanQ> <Lore> I believe what I was thinking was "Maybe it will work. And even if it doesn't, I get to butter the cat's forehead."
<raven> and agt's frosting bit right after.
<raven> <agent_orange> I think it was leviticus
<Leth> <agent_orange> you read sopmewhere to put butter on the cats foreWHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING
<Leth> That works even better because of the typo
<Leth> like he's spluttering as he types
<Samwise> "Maybe it will work. And even if it doesn't, I get to butter the cat's forehead."
<Samwise> God, that's a great line.
<Kyol> I'm in tears.
<Leth> it's even better because I can hear Lore's voice saying it
<raven> heh
<Kyol> And I have my headphones on, so I'm sure my coworkes think I'm having an asthma attack.
<SeanQ> oh man, I hadn't even thought of Lore's voice.. dammit
<Leth> heheh
<Kyol> Beheheh
<Kyol> Oh goddamn, that's a classic.
<Kyol> I think we could trim that down and send it to bash.
<Leth> I'd feel guilty sending Lore quotes to bash
<Leth> It's like entering ROTK into a local access awards contest
<bob> <agent_orange> AFHV would *love* some footage of sticky-pawed, freshly buttered cats trying in vain to avoid a stream of steaming miller lite
<bob> dammit
<SeanQ> I know, Bob, that line is just after lore's... and I'd just caught my breath
<raven> <agent_orange> "What are you doing in the kitchen, dear?" "Just buttering the cat, pumpkin!"
<tieboy> <raven> it's the best way to butter the house.
<Kyol> Behehe
<Kyol> I mean, I'm just picturing Lore holding a bewildered cat in one arm, and a butterknife fulla parkay in the other.
<Kyol> And the emergency-room visit that would follow.
<SeanQ> kyol: now picture him taking the tub of butter, turning it upside down and using it like chalk on the end of a pool cue
<Leth> snkkkkkktttt
<bob> gah
<SeanQ> *lore looks at cat* *lore looks at butter* *lore looks at cat* *SQUEEEEEK* *SQUEEEEEK*
<Leth> the whole while discoursing about how he "SHOULDN'T be DOing this, but how OFten do you GET to BUTTER a CAAAT?"
* raven has to swtich to another window because of the snkkkkkt noises.
<raven> fuckers. alla ya.
<Kyol> Hey, you're the one that found that jewel and posted it.
<SeanQ> "I think it was in OTHELLO where SHAKEspeare wrote beautifully about applying OLEO to an OCELOT, yet MODern scholars had LOST this sense of adVEnture with modern doMESticated breeds..."
<Leth> ghahahahah
<Leth> you cock
<tieboy> snkkt
<bob> hurty
<bob> all hurty
<Kyol> Whew.
<Leth> I snkkkt'd so hard at that I broke wind
*** SIGNOFF: SeanQ (Quit: gotta pick up some catnip, oven mitts, and a can of Crisco)

*** jacquilynne has joined #spinnwebe
* bob double-checks that log for what seanq said
<jacquilynne> Chatzilla doesn't handle being kicked very well.
*** jacquilynne has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by Leth (You don't say)
<SeanQ> beheheh
<Kyol> Behehe
<Samwise> dude
<SeanQ> gahaha... so harsh, yet so, so funny
<Samwise> I don't remember seeing you be this mean. Do you usually do this on saturday or something?
<Leth> Hi, allow me to introduce myself. My /nick is Leth
*** jacquilynne has joined #spinnwebe
<Leth> hey jac!
<Leth> welcome back!
<jacquilynne> You know, all this is going to do is cause me to post whiny messages to the forums.
<jacquilynne> Asking why you don't love me anymore.
*** jacquilynne has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by Leth (Anymore?)
*** jacquilynne has joined #spinnwebe
<Leth> aw
<Leth> that's disappointing
<Leth> take comfort in Sam defending you like he wants to get a hand up your shirt, thoguh
<jacquilynne> only up my shirt?
<Samwise> Dude, I was just pissed that I normally don't get to see your rage.
<Leth> well, he's a country boy, they do things slow there
<Leth> oh
<Leth> ok
<Leth> I take it back

<bob> ew! you've got a skin condition?!
<bob> what, it keeps falling off?
<Kyol> Short isn't a skin condition.
<Kyol> It's a _bone_ condition.
<tieboy> I've got psoriasis, too
<Kyol> The heartbreak of... ?
<tieboy> thank you, God. Thank you so bloody much!
* tieboy shakes tiny fist
<bob> hey, at least when you write your name in the snow, it's probably with skin flakes
<bob> wait, that's dandruff
<Kyol> I don't know that I actually knew anyone with psoriasis.
<tieboy> come on, everyone knows someone with psoriasis
<Kyol> Well _now_ I do.
<tieboy> when people find out I have it, they tell me horror stories about their cousin who has it
<tieboy> "He'd have to smear himself with steroids and wrap himself with saran wrap and vacuum the bed in the morning"
<Drusilla> my cousin has psoriasis
<Drusilla> she's somehow getting valium for it.
<SeanQ> I think maybe she mispronounced it 'psychosis'
<spinn> maybe she mispronounced "vaseline"

<CrazyClimber> this our moment of silence for Elk?
<Samwise> Nah, a moment of waffles.
<KemloCaesar> Well, if it was, you ruined it by asking.
* CrazyClimber dedicates his waffles to Elkman.
<CrazyClimber> Elk would understand, Kemlo.
* phagaway throws a waffle iron at kemlo
<CrazyClimber> Food making device fight!
* Samwise puts kemlo through his pastamaker
* phagaway gets out his cheese grater

<mdxi> i just saw a commercial for "Fa" body wash. does Sean have anything to do with that?
<TomtheFish> Fa-Q Body Wash?
* kaufman can't remember if any element has that abbreviation
<spinn> shawn, did the commercial make your skin crawl, and/or make you want to write an angry letter to your congressman?
<mdxi> no, it just made me go "Who the hell would name a product 'Fa'?"
<spinn> oh. then, no, it has nothing to do with him
<CrazyClimber> and how much do re mi did the name cost 'em?
<Samwise> mdxi: You're lucky you didn't test Do, Re and Mi.
<phagaway> as long as they weren't using it in a nori.. everythings good
<kaufman> * CrazyClimber is now known as 100VonTrapps
<TheEnigma> I fucking hate those "Bod" commercials.
<TheEnigma> I almost destroyed the TV in my hotel room when I first saw them.
<TomtheFish> dear barney frank, i want your baaahhhhhd.
<spinn> I almost /rented/ a hotel room, so I could go destroy the tv when I saw them.
<TheEnigma> What really upsets me is that SOMEONE GOT PAID TO THINK UP THOSE ADS.
<Samwise> Heheheee...spinn prank called Sean at his desk.
<TheEnigma> Oh God
<Samwise> Said "Niiiiice bahhhhhhd!" and hung up.
<spinn> oh, yeah, that was cool.
<spinn> "fine", actually, which is what's in the commercial
<spinn> hm
<TheEnigma> They also say "hot bod," "tight bod," "hard bod," and "nice bod," I believe.
<TheEnigma> Probably among other things.
<TheEnigma> The one that made me throw a shoe at the TV was "tight bod."
<spinn> enig: I'll bet it was fine bod
<spinn> that's the one that almost pushed me over, too
<spinn> it was at the end of the one at the concert, before the husky "I want your bod" at the end
<Samwise> Heh...in a couple months, Sean'll be giving bod away like it was rap musk
<TheEnigma> Oh, yeah. That's the fecal icing on the rotting cake, there.

<spinn> well, I can snap the cord by telling you about my recent exchange with thoughtport has gone thus far
<spinn> thoughtport tanked, but there was a thoughtport chicago that survived, probably because the only thing it had in common with the company that screwed me was name
<spinn> but the guy who currently runs thoughtport chicago was, at the time, thinking I was the one trying to screw them over
<spinn> dunno, years later, I felt like sending him a mail.
<spinn> titled "so, Cal, I was wondering."
<spinn> After Kevin was being investigated by the SEC for fraud and such, and he ran that company into the ground by not being able to maintain his lies, did you still think I was the one trying to rip people off?
<spinn> got a response today.
<spinn> Having worked for Steve Jobs and Scott McNealy (sun), I would say that
<spinn> dreamers are rare and borderline psychotic in general. SJ built apple
<spinn> and left ants like you and I behind. Kevin self destructed and we ants
<spinn> kept marching on. Can't say I would not do it again, but in all cases,
<spinn> eyes should be wide open.
<spinn> Warning on Anti-matter: keep in magnetic bubble and watch at all times.
<spinn> Try to enjoy the ride while you are shitting your pants, I always say...
<TheEnigma> So in other words, he's not really saying anything besides the fact that he shits his pants.
<spinn> heheh
<spinn> sent him this just now:
<spinn> Hm, yeah, I figured I'd either not get a response, or you'd have to respond carefully in case I'm trying to use something against you. I'm not, but obviously you have no way of knowing that.
<spinn> 'course, it's all very poetic, and you almost make it sound like Kevin was just a hapless victim of his inner burning sun, rather than the total lying bastard that he was. If you do ever get a chance to do it again, I hope next time you'll leave out the "agreeing with the bastard as he rips off the naive ex-employees" part.
<KemloCaesar> And that Kevin is antimatter.
<TheEnigma> Ask him if you can help out by buying him a box of adult diapers.
<SeanQ> so next time I don't feel like honoring a contract, I should plead "tortured visionary"? hmmm, sounds like it's worth a shot
<AdrianVeidt> Only if they get to torture you.
<TheEnigma> "Wow, this rollercoaster is great. I'm sitting in a mass of my own fecal matter, and it's really squishy and starting to feel pretty nasty, but hey - nice rollercoaster!"
<raven> "mmmmmm, warm...."
<mdxi> also, i wouldn't put scott mcneily in the "tortured visionary" category, but i've never worked for him.
<hockeyfag> I'd hate to be the guy that cleans that car out after you
<TheEnigma> "Hey, clean-up guy. Sorry I shit myself, but hey, I enjoyed the ride!"
<AdrianVeidt> "Eh, happens all the time."
<AdrianVeidt> "I consider it a perk."
<Samwise> *hose*
<kaufman> New at Six Flags: Ride the Dirt Snake!

<tieboy> cb for my idear
<jeeb> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUSH A COCK INTO MY FAT FACE
<Lore> Does this mean Chris has to have sex with Hock now?
<tieboy> i like my men with big cocks, please
<CrazyClimber> it looks bigger now that he's lost 400 pounds
<tieboy> hock is hung like a gummi bear
<Lore> You guys have seen Hock's cock?
<agent_orange> oh lord yes
<agent_orange> we done seen it angry too
<Lore> Chris: Does that imply that his penis is the size of a gummi bear, or that his penis is the size of a gummi bear's penis, if it had one?
<tieboy> he routinely posts pictures of his sexual exploits
<Lore> And he tricks you into looking at them how?
<tieboy> Lore: I'm not entirely sure
<agent_orange> he tells us his penis isn't pictured this time
<Lore> Because they geld gummi bears to keep them docile.

<zompist> hi, tie, lore, and other holiday revellers
<jacquilynne> zomp!
<zompist> such as jacqui
<Lore> Too late, jacqui. You're "other."
<Lore> Go sit down there with the professor and Mary Ann.
<zompist> hey, don't be dissin the professor and mary ann
<zompist> you some kind of gilligan and ginger-lover?
<tieboy> man, how much gilligan's island slash there must be
<jacquilynne> Please, tie, don't find it.
<jacquilynne> Leave us with some unsullied memories of our youthful innocence.
<Lore> But if you do, try to make it Gilligan's Island/Dobie Gillis slash mmkay?

<zompist> i'd help you move, only i'm totally feeble and 1000 miles away
<Leth> oh I know, you'd snap like a twig just carrying a box of my tech books
<ristoril> I don't think the Bearenstein Bears count as tech books. technically.
<Leth> Sure they do, them and Horton Snifs A Packet

<Kyol> So tie, when we call your woman your "wife", are we joking, or did I miss an announcement?
<tieboy> I am not married
<Kyol> Ok. Wasn't sure.
<tieboy> feel free to propose
<Kyol> Lori would probably like having a house midget.
<Kyol> Do you clean?
<tieboy> I wash my ass most days
<tieboy> well, some days
<tieboy> every couple weeks
<tieboy> about once a year, I fall on a sprinkler

<tieboy> so jac, how's the pirate injury healing?
<jacquilynne> Which?
<Leth> how many pirate injuries do you have?
<tieboy> carplank tunnel?
<tieboy> scurvy?
<tieboy> lazy eyepatch?

<Leth> some of the marketing people have started using "stationery" in their Outlook
<Leth> I'm considering the use of explosives
<AliasN> you mean like a little picture of a kitty hanging in there at the top of their email?
<Leth> oh, that, and background images
<Leth> like a column of green ivy cascading down the left margin of the email
<Leth> and then stare at me blankly when I say I want POP access for a plain-text email client
<Samwise> GRRR THE FUCKING IVY LEAVES
<Samwise> one of our QA people does that.
<Leth> shoot them
<Leth> shoot them dead
<Samwise> can't shoot her
<Samwise> she buys the beer
<Samwise> no beer, no happy
<Leth> oh, well then, thank her for the ivy after giving her oral pleasure
<Leth> wait
<Leth> a QA engineer who BUYS the beer?!
<Leth> this has to be brought up before the High Council
<Samwise> Well, has exclusive access to the "petty cash" company card
<Leth> oh, ok
<Leth> whew
<Samwise> where "petty cash" = "snacks and beer"
<SeanQ> a couple of people in Alabama were doing that, until I told them I would no longer read their email
<SeanQ> those damn background GIFs would slow Mozilla to a crawl
<SeanQ> ivy leaves and waving American flags
<Samwise> my favorite is the one that accomplishes nothing, just a slight shade of parchment or whateverthefuck
<Leth> My wife did that once. Once </DannyVermin>
<Samwise> it's like, I don't want to actually include art or anything, but I still want to be annoying.
<Leth> "I'm expressing my individuality"
<Leth> "So am I" *SHHKSHHHK* *BLAM*
<Samwise> heh. You shouldn't hang me from a hook, Johnny.
<Samwise> *This* goes through *schools*.
<Freyja> it makes a better impression, like printing a resume on heavy cotton paper with little leaves and shit stuck in it
<Leth> oh god
<Leth> we got one of those. On tinted paper with rose petals woven into the paper
<Samwise> bleah
<Leth> for an engineering gig
<Leth> we all just stared at it
<Samwise> I hope it was a chick
<Leth> I assume so. We never called to find out
<Samwise> hehe, didn't even read the name?
<Leth> Honestly I don't even remember. I just remember us sitting at my boss' desk staring at it, like it was infested with worms
<Samwise> heh, forming a loose circle, crouched over... one of the bolder engineers pokes it with a stick
<Leth> oh, they make excellent fertilizer for the hedges out front
<Freyja> we've received one printed on scented stationary before
<Freyja> I mean, come on.
<Freyja> that doesn't even work for love letters passed middle school
<Kyol> The worst we get around here is people defining, like, Comic Book Sans 4pt as their font.
<Kyol> I don't know if they're really smart or really stupid.
<Samwise> I know what I'd bet on, Kyol.
<Kyol> Oh yeah, me too. But it seems like a good way to slip shit past your boss, too.
<Freyja> I get annoyed at people who feel the need to include super fancy lines and tables and little graphics
<Leth> "I *could* read these specs, but I think I'll save myself the trouble and give a good review anyhow"
<AliasN> if IT people hate that sort of thing so much why was it invented in the first place?
<Leth> Alias: IT people did not invent them
<Leth> Marketing people did
<Samwise> IT people implemented them, sure
<Samwise> because it was their job to do so
<AliasN> oh, JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS, eh?
<Leth> yeah
<Leth> it's called "receiving a paycheck"
<Freyja> actually, IT people are the main culprit of the super graphical school of resume building
<AliasN> "I see... I see... um, but can we make it dance around a little. And flash? Oh, flashing would be good."
<Samwise> see, if they'd only told another marketing department to do it, it'd still be floating around somewhere with a stamp of approval on it. No, when you give IT something to do, and it's possible, it gets done.
<Samwise> Granted, you might get laughed at to your face when you bring it to them
<tieboy> eventually
<Leth> yeah, that's the weakness of engineers that is always exploited
<Leth> "Bet you can't make it do that" "Wanna bet?!" <time passes> "Dear god, what have we done...."
<Samwise> "You're shitting me, right? I mean, that's the stupidest, most idio" "Your review is next week." "Dancing, you say?"
<Leth> I picture that as the way Clippy was born

<Agent_Orange> CC: I think I'll try them and file a full report, since caffiene is my last vice...
<SeanQ> you don't drink, agto?
<Agent_Orange> nope
<Agent_Orange> used too
<Agent_Orange> thought about turning pro
<Agent_Orange> but i hurt my elbow at the Jagermeister 500 in 1990
<Kyol> re quotes: Besides, I don't _have_ labia.
<SeanQ> you okay being around drunk people?
<SeanQ> oh, wait, you live in New Orleans, withdrawan
<Agent_Orange> dude, I live in Louisiana, remember?
<Leth> How do you maintain residency if you don't drink? I thought it was a state law?
<Agent_Orange> actually, I live about 150 miles west of NO
<Agent_Orange> but they're drunk where I live too
<SeanQ> oh, so it's gonna be a trip for you to hang out
<SeanQ> you can crash on the floor at my hotel that night
<SeanQ> :D
<Agent_Orange> Sean: i thought I'd hang out, have a few laughs, wait for you to pass out, steal your wallet and pants and put you on a train to miami
<SeanQ> bah, I wanted to try something /different/
<Leth> yeah, he can get that just driving to Boston
<Agent_Orange> okay, train to austin then
<CrazyClimber> austin? i'm there.
<Agent_Orange> you can pick him up at the station
<Agent_Orange> or bail him out
<Agent_Orange> whichever
<SeanQ> CC: bring your Visa card and a pair of pants
<Agent_Orange> 42 waist, 28 inseam
<SeanQ> <voiceover> ...because in Austin, TX, the County Jail takes advantage of drunken revelers, but they /don't/ take American Express. </voiceover>
<Leth> blah, speaking of driving, I get to have the extended road trip through your great state tomorrow, Sean
<Leth> nothing like 2.5 hours of rt 84 to clear up that insomnia
<SeanQ> wave ot me when you get to Exit 13, Leth
<Leth> only broken up by the free for all live-action Carmageddon game right outside of Hartford
<Leth> oh hell, that's right, I forgot you're right there
<Leth> have whisky waiting for me at about 3:30 tomorrow afternoon

<Kyol> Gah.
<Leth> whoa
*** Leth is now known as Tonto
* Tonto puts his ear to ground
<Tonto> big split coming. three, maybe four minutes. many horses. Fuck this kemosabe, yer on yer own

<Samwise> I do *not* envy poor Elk right now.
<Samwise> Would that be our first official loss of employment thanks to spinnwebe?
<SeanQ> he's not dead yet, is he?
<Samwise> He feels happy...
<SeanQ> he's just pining for the fjords
<Leth> I'd be amazed if they fire him, esp the way they're losing people left & right
<Samwise> I dunno. It didn't sound at all good.
<Samwise> Yeah...but we may just never see him again.
<Agent_Orange> I would think a firm talking-to would be in order
<CrazyClimber> well, if it were really bad, he wouldn't have spent time talking about it to us.
<Samwise> true dat
<Agent_Orange> he'll always be in our hearts, sam
<Agent_Orange> he's romping over the rainbow bridge right now
*** Samwise is now known as Phil_Collins
<Phil_Collins> You'll be in my log...
<Kyol> Or our loins. Whichever.
<SeanQ> bet he now knows what I meant about throwing out that pair of undershorts
<mdxi> i'm still wondering how you set a telnet session to dump everything to a printer.
<CrazyClimber> so right now, elk's best chance is "'Elkman'? I don't know what that means."

<jacquilyn> Eh. Being kicked out of the lab.
<Agent_Orange> wear pants next time
<Agent_Orange> they like that
<Leth> agt: but the sign only reads "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service." Pants aren't ever mentioned
<Agent_Orange> leth: I've tried that argument many times
<Agent_Orange> and it *usually* ends in bitter disappointment

<tieboy> hm. found a sesame seed in my mouth, but I don't think I've eaten anything with sesame seeds today
* Raven edges away from tieboy.
<wabewalkr> A flea, perhaps?
<tieboy> no, i've got my collar on...
<CCsStuckInSneakMeeting> kissed anyone?
<tieboy> six, maybe seven people.
<CCsStuckInSneakMeeting> ah, and only one of them had to have a sesame seed in their mouths.
<CCsStuckInSneakMeeting> or mouth.
<tieboy> I don't think I've had sesame seed-encrusted food in quite some time, actually
<wabewalkr> Jeez, if all you do is kiss all day, I should've found a better temp agency.
<tieboy> You don't see the people I have to kiss
<tieboy> nor where I have to kiss them
<Samwise> Umm, ew?
<CCsStuckInSneakMeeting> it's like safe sex, tie: you're eating everything that everyone you kiss has eaten.
<Samwise> CC: is *that* why I weigh so much.
<wabewalkr> Eh, I'll risk it. I'll close my eyes and think of Catherine Oxenberg
<tieboy> God, today sucks.
<tieboy> My office lost two people and no one is making any moves to replace them
<raven> Downsizing through attrition.
<raven> Why fire when you can just let them leave and never replace them>
<wabewalkr> Just make sure the important files are encrypted.
<wabewalkr> "But I left the files for you! Can't you guess a 128-bit code key?"
<wabewalkr> Consulting, my man. You need "skills" in "demand."
<tieboy> SKills? Sigh. Maybe I'll just start sleeping with people.

<Kyol> Is it wrong to kinda hope that the high winds we're having make a tree fall so it hits the roof and insurance buys us a new one?
<zompist> SHHHH. don't talk about trees hitting houses in front of agto!
<Kyol> oooooh, right, right.
<Kyol> How is that godawful hurricane-riddled swamp you're living in doing, agto?
<agent_orange> you naive little fruit bat
<agent_orange> isurance doesn't pay for that sort of thing
<Kyol> Well, when you make a claim a year _sure_.
<tieboy> I thought he lived in Ted Rall's anus
<agent_orange> so tie, how's that book deal with kemlo going?
<tieboy> hey, you can't attack me. I'm downtrodden
<agent_orange> you're downtrodden?
<agent_orange> you get kicked out of the snootch palace? back on the streets?
<tieboy> hmph. some defender of the defensless you turned out to be
<tieboy> go back to your Fortress of JERKitude
<tieboy> no, no. BIGJERKitude
<agent_orange> no, really. I'm curious. she catch you mounting the pisscam? taking change from her purse?
<AliasN> oooh, sounds like you touched a nerve, agto
<agent_orange> I DID NOT
<agent_orange> i just kind of brushed it while we were standing in line
<tieboy> I guess three Dirty Sanchez's were her limit
<tieboy> and no amount of "Honey, the poop moustache makes you look slimmer" would deaden her anger
<agent_orange> well, shame on her for falling for it three times
<CrazyClimber> didn't she break off an engagement to be with you?
<tieboy> not an official one
<agent_orange> no contracts or anything
<tieboy> there was no ring to pawn
<agent_orange> her dad had to give the camels back
<tieboy> actually, he broke it off
<agent_orange> when he found out she was fucking you?
<Kyol> Like, literally?
<Kyol> "Honey, I'm home! Who's that midget, and why's his dick halfway up your ass? That's it, I'm breaking it off."
<agent_orange> and now it's OVER OVER OVER as dead as your fucking website
<tieboy> no, when her best friend screwed him out of his ex-wife's house
<tieboy> it was a little complicated
<agent_orange> so you all ganged up on this polack, is that it?
<AliasN> hey! maybe you could do us up a little diagram
<tieboy> are we having the same conversation?
<AliasN> as what?
<CrazyClimber> use the x's and o's like on the football diagrams
<tieboy> me?
<tieboy> and by the way, that should be plural. dead like my webSITES
<AliasN> hey, this is the first I've heard about your break up. And I'm very sorry to hear about it. All of it. In great detail.
<CrazyClimber> quick, alanis, get him while he's weak and vulnerable

<Lore> Did you know they're selling Coca-Cola next to the energy drinks? More phallic can, less Coke, higher price.
<Samwise> ugh
<Samwise> soda came in red bull-shaped cans in japan, IIRC
<Lore> Oddly enough, so did I.
<Lore> Funny old world.
<tieboy> you DO have a lot of distance
<Samwise> damn, lore; what do you need more distance for, space exploration?
<Lore> No, just aim.
<Lore> The Big Space Fuck
<Samwise> SETP
<tieboy> Emission to Mars
<Samwise> Star Whores
<tieboy> Apollo Squirteen
<CrazyClimber> Battlestar: Ejacula
<Lore> Spaceballs.
<Kyol> They're selling 8 oz cans of regular soda around here. I don't get it.
<Lore> Too expensive?
<Kyol> I haven't actually looked at the price, I just saw the cans and wondered WTF
<Kyol> I mean, 8oz cans of coke for mixers, OK, but mountain dew?
<Lore> Google results for "mountain.dew cocktail": 4730
<Kyol> I can't imagine.
<Kyol> Dew and _what_.
<mdxi> sperm
<Lore> Vodka would be my first guess.
<Kyol> That was mellow yellow.
<Lore> "Mello Yello," please.
<Kyol> Yeah, vodka I could see, but gin? jack?
<Lore> Gin? Sure.
<Kyol> gin... and dew?
<Lore> http://www.webtender.com/db/ingred/199
<Lore> http://www.webtender.com/db/drink/2913
<tieboy> Sprite and Jack ain't bad
<Kyol> Ah, soco and dew I suppose wouldn't suck. Much.
<Lore> http://www.webtender.com/db/drink/2779
<Lore> This is one of those drinks where they spend six hours on the name and thirty seconds on the drink.
<Kyol> Heh, yeah.
<CrazyClimber> i don't think it's ever been ordered in any of the bars i go to.
<Kyol> Although to me a mixed drink is "soda. Add booze to taste. Drink". I don't cotton to olives or onions or lime or cherries.
<tieboy> just chocolate martinis?
<Kyol> The exception.
<Lore> Batter Beyond the Stars
<tieboy> Mars Ejacs
<CrazyClimber> Lost in Spoo
<tieboy> The Day the Earth Withstood my Spill
<Lore> The Day the Earth Seed-Spilled
<Lore> Damn.
<Lore> Close Encounters of the Third Base
<Lore> Goo-spittin' Planet
<Lore> Weaker and weaker...
<Kyol> (and hey, any excuse to drink belvedere.. mmm.)
<CrazyClimber> The Unzipped Fly
<mdxi> Battlestar Lorewhacktica
<tieboy> Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Comerag
<CrazyClimber> Back to the Felcher
<CrazyClimber> Logan's Cum
<Lore> Are we foregoing the space theme in favor of general science fiction?
<CrazyClimber> i'm desperate
<Kyol> Duh
<Lore> Fair enough.
<CrazyClimber> plus, earth is in space
<Lore> When Harry Met Sally And Came All Over Her.
<Lore> Vanilla Sky
<CrazyClimber> that isn't even science fiction!
<CrazyClimber> well, i didn't see it, maybe it is
<Lore> But it takes place on Earth, which is in space.
<Lore> Plus it takes place on an Alternate Earth where Billy Crystal is attractive.
<mdxi> Ice Pirates Who Ejaculate Massively
<CrazyClimber> Manos, Hands That Can't Stop Stroking That Cock
<tieboy> Dune, with Jerking and Mancake Mix Everywhere
<Lore> Debbie Does Dallas, Lore Handles the Rest of the Universe
<Lore> Jerkcity On The Edge of Forever

<Zole> I love my 2 or 3 appearances in the SWHC because I'm usually just confirming some fact that somebody else then makes a hilarious joke with
<AliasN> or mentions something about boobies
<Zole> I'm basically a walking encyclopedia of cup size information
<AliasN> isn't that mdxi's job?
<CrazyClimber> you gotta let him take a pocky break once in a while
<Zole> Or if his ISP has problems or something
<Zole> It's all about redundancy

<agent_orange> I used to use GoLive
<agent_orange> Irealize that's like saying I used to suck cock down at the mission
<Zole> We're not here to judge
<Zole> Well, I'm not

<Kyol> Hey, why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
<Kyol> Shw was a woman!
<AliasN> I bet she could type, though
<Kyol> Yeah, quite possibly.
<Kyol> Women are good at that sort of thing.
<Kyol> Typing.
<zompist> and cooking
<zompist> and sex
<AliasN> heh, I feel like an idiot. I just called someone and thought they were an answering machine. I sat there a few seconds waiting for a beep when he finally said "hello?" again.
<Leth> you idiot
<agent_orange> "Sorry. Mister. I'm a girl! <tee hee>"
<Kyol> TOO BUSY WANG CHUNGING.
<Leth> agtobot, what would you do in that situation?
<jeeb> all of the woobies are monkeys with big penises! Scarey monkey!
<agent_orange> oop, my nails are wet! I'll call you back! <drop phone in wastebasket>
<raven> "heeheehee! Got a pie in the oven, mister! Willya hold a sec? Be riiight back!" <toss the phone on the couch>
<Samwise> hnnnnnNNNNGGG - "Really? That low?" - NNNGGGHHaaaaa *SCHLORP*
<agent_orange> fucker
<agent_orange> "So I can get the undercarriage coating for --- god DAMN, what did I eat, fishtank gravel? Dang, buddy, you ever have one of them where it feels like it wants to claw back up -- <BLORK>oh hell, there it goes."
<Samwise> cock
<Samwise> <BLORK>
<Leth> motherfuckers
<agent_orange> "Hang on, pal, I gotta do a reacharound." <put phone down> ... "ah, shit. fucking one-ply..."
<Leth> "That one felt like a cat's dick what with the barbs and all. So anyhow, what's this about carpet cleaning?"
<agent_orange> "I'm a wadder, and we take a little longer. You holding, right?"
<Samwise> "Hey, I need a little help here... could you make kind of a waterfall sound?"
<agent_orange> "JESUS, these feel like regulation NFL footballs, but I know damn well I'm gonna look in there and it ain't gonna be but a couple raisinettes, you know what I mean, Scott? Hey, scott, what's your last name?"
<AliasN> ah, goddamn it, we're out of tp, I gotta use some of this newspaper here in the basket--well would you look at that, it's one of your flyers! What a coincidence!
<agent_orange> that's just rude
<AliasN> hey, you started it, baldy
<agent_orange> listen, ms. peek-around-the-edge-of-the-tv-to-see-the-little-people-inside
<zompist> she's just looking for other tiny headed people
<agent_orange> GABBA GABBA WE ACCEPT YOU CHANNEL SIX

<Freyja> it's very sweet of the power company to play Let's Get it On as their hold music. I'm completely filled with tender love for them now.
<Freyja> when I go on a shooting rampage, I'll be sure to bring flowers and chocolate in a heart shaped box

<mdxi> the aneli pics again, plus some japanese chick
<mdxi> japanese chick who is wearing lipstick needlessly, like someone else i know but won't name
<Kyol> first, it was LIP GLOSS and second my lips were dry.

<Kyol> Whoop, Matrix Revolutions is down to 33% on RT.
<Kyol> With this cherce quote: "so disappointing they may as well have bussed in Ewoks to save Zion."
<mdxi> yet all the fanbois are gonna go see it anyway
<Kyol> Well sure, I'll go eventually.
<Kyol> Skip work sort of thing.
<Drusilla> matrix fanbois scare me
<Kyol> But I'm also going in expecting that it'll suck more cocks than hockeyfag at an all-gay cock buffet.
<Kyol> So, y'know, managing expectations.
<CrazyClimber> how many cocks you expecting?
<Kyol> 20, maybe 30.
<CrazyClimber> that's a lot of suckage
<Kyol> Indeed.
<DingoBoy> so, in comparison, what was the cock-sucking rating of, say, Episode 2?
<Kyol> Eh, 10 or so.
<DingoBoy> hmm.
<Drusilla> damn.
<Samwise> that *is* a lotta cock

<Freyja> I can't stop giggling at the Roy tiger attack. GO TIGER!
<Kyol> Heh, that's the first time I heard that Roy whapped the tiger one first.
<jacquilynne> Holy crap.
<jacquilynne> 267 people worked on that show?
<jacquilynne> That's a lot of tiger chow.
<Freyja> there's dancers and stagehands and all those sequin miners.
<tieboy> they fired everyone? wow
<tieboy> they couldn't find another fag in tights to sub?
<Kyol> Well, not one who would coat himself in catnip before the show, no.
<agent_orange> "Here, Bruce, just go in and hit the tiger on the nose with this Neumann u-47. Go on."
<agent_orange> "NEXT!"
<Leth> I thought he had hit the tiger with the mike because the tiger was chomping on Roy's arm
<Kyol> Yeah, I had the order of events the other way.
<Kyol> "When Tigers Attack Fags! next on Fox!"
<raven> He'd tapped it in the face a couple times, because it wasn't peppy enough or something and then once it got him by the neck, the intent changed.
<agent_orange> yeah, he kept cheerfully bopping it on the nose while it was eating his head
<CrazyClimber> the show manager said the tiger was distracted by "something in the audience"
<CrazyClimber> hard to believe it hadn't seen it all, already
<agent_orange> flashmob
<tieboy> say what you want, tigers are still the safest way to travel
<agent_orange> some guy beating off
<CrazyClimber> my point stands
<agent_orange> "Sniff sniff ... is that balls? <donk> GET THAT GODDAMN THINK OUT OF MY FACE, YOU <GROWF!>"

<Samwise> So, this magician gives a great performance, and says for his last trick, he needs a volunteer.
<zompist> tell me this isn't a joke
<raven> RAISINS!
<Samwise> Brings the guy up on stage and hands him a hammer. "Hit me with this as hard as you like; I've hypnotized myself to withstand anything."
<zompist> nails again, huh?
<Samwise> So the guy wallops him, knocks him out... puts him into a coma.
<zompist> what was the guy's name?
<Samwise> 2 years later, the magician wakes up in the hospital and goes "Ta daaa!"
<zompist> and he had no kidneys!
<tieboy> Did he cope okay with having lost such a large amount of his life?
<Leth> I decide to let you finish a joke for once in the past three years, and that's what you provide?

<TMR> Stuck out in the middle of smegging nowhere, Idaho.
*** naakka has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by Samwise (WHO SUMMONS THE DARK GOAT WITH A THOUSAND YO- oh, it's just you.)
<Leth> man, I'd rather be kicked for summoning an Elder God than be in Idaho
<TMR> This place could use a bit of the Thing That Should Not Be
<CrazyClimber> lots should come back?
<TMR> shoggoths, not pee monsters
<CrazyClimber> *shrug* i always get 'em mixed up
<naakka> agtobot for shub-niggurath
<jeeb> I am swollen with love for all humanity. or malaria. tests aren't back

<tieboy> speaking of dumb advertising, seen those VW ads? For the Touareg? Where they essentially put down other VW models to make the Touareg look good?
<tieboy> seems like a bad idea
<mdxi> i hate the TWAR-EGG anyway
<tieboy> The Beetle, which we've been ramming down your throats for the past 4 years, can't pull trailers or drive in snow, as you see here. But our other car can!
<mdxi> VW: We're Tired Of You People Calling Us Hippies
<Kyol> There was a tearjerking commercial down in Mexico for the end-of-line old beetles.
<Kyol> It was touching.
<agent_orange> touching what?
<Kyol> NAUGHTY BITS NAUGHTY BITS

<spinn> it does help when I appear to be the only technical guy on the project who knows how anything works
<spinn> man, if I got hit by a bus, these people would have such problems
<spinn> they should get insurance on me
<agent_orange> "Look, Goodwife Emma! Yon Goth has but to touch the rattlingboard, and the flash animation springs to life!"
<spinn> beheh
<spinn> approximately. except some of these guys have probably never touched a woman
<agent_orange> s/Goodwife Emma/Maid Mitten
<AliasN> never touched a woman and they don't know anything about programming? ??

<Samwise> Leth: masturbating in his own feces
<Leth> BAD BRAIN STOP MAKING PICTURES
<SeanQ> "LOOK MAAAA! IT LOOKS LIKE CHOC'LIT PUUDIN' WIT' WHIPPED CREAM ON TOP! NOW I'M HUNGRY, MAAAA!"
<tieboy> I wonder if him masturbating into someone else's feces is worse
<Leth> s/into/with/
<Leth> "It stops the chappy blisters from coming!"
<tieboy> yagggghhhhhhhhhh
<SeanQ> aaarrrgh
<tieboy> "MAAAA! NIBBLET DOWN THE PEE-HOLE!"
<Leth> the other lab guys are going to think I'm epileptic
<SeanQ> "LOOK MAAAAH! I'M AN ECLAIRE!"
<Leth> "MAAA! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NO MORE SKIPPY SUPER CHUNK!!!"
<Samwise> "NOW I GOTS THE BOTTOM BURPIES AN' I CAN'T FIND CAPTAIN AMERICA"
<tieboy> "NOW MY UNDEROOS GOTS BROWN ON BOTH SIDES"
<tieboy> "I'M READY FOR MY TONGUEBATH, MIA DEVILLE"
<Leth> nnnggghhhhh
<tieboy> "MAAA! MY HANDS ARE TOO SLIPPY TO GET THE CHIP CLIPS ON MY NIPPLEBUDS"
<Samwise> "AND WE'RE DOWN TO OUR LAST THREE CANS OF CRISCO" *schlorf*
<mdxi> "MAAAA! THE CHEETO DUST MADE MY WEENIS ORANGE!"
<tieboy> "MAAAAA! THE PEE MONSTERS DIDN'T LICK ME ALL THE WAY CLEAN!"
<tieboy> "MAAA! THE BUZZING FLIES FEEL LIKE TINY VIBRATORS AGAINST MY DANGLING, PUFFY SCROTAL POUCH!"
<SeanQ> "MAAAA, YOU GOTTA UNTIE THE DOG. NOT IN BACK, RIGHT HERE, MY FINGERS ARE TOO SLIPPERY"

* mdxi pokes drusilla
<drusilla> One hour till class.
<Kyol> That's OK, it'll only take mdxi 30 seconds.

<jacquilynne> Kyol got married?
<Kyol> jacqui: Yeah, about a month ago.
<zompist> "Mr. and Mrs. George Friedel cordially invite you to the marriage of their son Patrick to a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast from Traal"
<Samwise> Reception to follow, BYOT

<Ron> Bye.
*** SIGNOFF: Ron!supersonic@141.209.9.230 (Quit:)
<Samwise> Hey, bye Ron! It's been great seeing you!
<jacquilynne> It is great to see Ron.
<jacquilynne> HE came in last night just to say hi.
<jacquilynne> It really brightened my evening
<raven> I miss Ron....
<Samwise> Ron, oh Ron, why have you forsaken us?
* Samwise is forsook
<CrazyClimber> there's this empty spot in the channel where ron used to be
<Samwise> *sniff*
<AliasN> the hole in my heart spells out R-O-N
* Samwise puts a chrysanthemum on the empty spot
<jacquilynne> Now it spells R*N
<jacquilynne> But we still know what you mean.
<CrazyClimber> we don't even know if he'll ever return
<AliasN> must you tease so soon after our loss, jacq?
<Samwise> Don't say that
<Samwise> that's just crazy talk
<CrazyClimber> was that a "seeya" bye?
<CrazyClimber> or a "i'm done with you" bye?
<raven> there, there, I'm sure it was a "seeya", bob.
* Samwise lunges after zomp's hand, just before he can select a purple brush
<Samwise> NNnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooo!!
<CrazyClimber> i'd like to think he'd at least write us a letter if he was never going to see us again.
* CrazyClimber makes palindromes with ron's name
<CrazyClimber> NOR ROM!
<CrazyClimber> damn
* AliasN pats CC on the head
<CrazyClimber> yeah, it's tough to type right now
<Samwise> IRON NORI
<Samwise> I, RON, NORI
<raven> Ron would have loved that, Sam, thank you.
* AliasN sings quietly "de-doo-ron-ron-ron... de-doo-ron-ron..."
<AliasN> *sob*
<Zole> How about I, RON, NOR I?
<Zole> That's almost a sentence
<Zole> The space really makes it
<jacquilynne> I feel you've lost the essence of sentences in not having a verb.
<jacquilynne> Ron, I'm positive, would be very disappointed in you.
<Samwise> Please! Let's just try to remember the good times...
<CrazyClimber> but he would appreciate the nearly mystic paradox of the fragment, too
<AliasN> yeah... remember that one time when he said "hi"?
<CrazyClimber> i've still got his "heh" in my scroll buffer!
<CrazyClimber>
<Ron> Heh.
<CrazyClimber> it would be selfish not to share it
<raven> And Ron was always a giver.
<CrazyClimber> it's true. this channel's a better place for having had him here.
<AliasN> ...if only for one brief, shining moment
<Samwise> Like a beautiful swan swam through our stagnant pool of angst and loathing, if only for a few short moments
<jacquilynne> Sniff.
<jacquilynne> Ron loved swans.
<jacquilynne> I could tell by the way he said 'bye'. There was something in his tone.
* CrazyClimber hopes he didn't love swans the way agt loves chickens
<CrazyClimber> but even if he did, that's ok! i mean, this is *ron*.

<Leth> agtobot for lulls
<jeeb> You know what else I really like? Cut cock. You studs what still got the wrapper on it can just move on to the next stall, as I will not peel back no nasty foreskin
<Kyol> agtobot for something else
<jeeb> no, I misspelled "eat me"
<agent_orange> god damn
<agent_orange> see, this is why I could never run for office
<agent_orange> something like that, well
<agent_orange> it could be misinterpreted
<zompist> "in his public remarks accessible on the robotic interface, mr. orange specifically denies enjoying circumcised male organ; but look at the shit-eatin' grin in these photos!"

<Samwise> ORANGE STARS YELLOW MOONS GREEN CLOVERS FUCKING FAGGOTS
<agent_orange> PINK HEARTS YELLOW MOONS ORANGE STARS GREEN CLOVERS BLUE DIAMONDS PURPLE BRUISES FAT BONERS
<agent_orange> I DON'T LIKE THIS CEREAL ANYMORE

<tieboy> dammit, why do these big burly construction engineer guys drink this flavored amaretto nut jasmine honeysuckle vanilla fruity bean coffee
<tieboy> it's so sickly sweet. it's like a pixie took a piss in my mouth

* Drusilla rejoices once again that she broke up with japhod.
<Freyja> yes let's talk about dru being single and of legal age
<Freyja> any of you boys have thoughts on that subject? Bob?
<Drusilla> let's talk about tie.
<CrazyClimber> i don't, no
<CrazyClimber> she can think about herself much better than i can ever think about her
<zompist> why the rejoicing? is japhod doing something risible? again?
<Drusilla> his friends are.
<CrazyClimber> plus, i'm vaguely potentially someday spoken for now anyway
<DanielMLaenker> I could *try* to get hot for Dru. Really, I could....
<Drusilla> one's married. his wife doesn't understand him the way i do.
<Freyja> I understand, dan, she's not... orcish enough for me either
<Drusilla> i thought i had all his messages blocked, but he apparently got a new yahoo profile.
<CrazyClimber> is his password still "password"?
<zompist> i'm surprised he hasn't sold his belongings, gotten naked, and moved to a mountaintop to await jesus and/or neo
<Drusilla> no, he changed it.
<Drusilla> he also got a new profile, to ask me if i knew the new one.
<CrazyClimber> "assword"?
<Drusilla> something to do with god and jesus and blah blah, blocked him.
<Drusilla> though he did manage to tell me the government did it, before i could hit ignore.
<Freyja> that's a shock
<tieboy> the government did what
<tieboy> what, besides everything
<Drusilla> i didn't really want to find out.
<Drusilla> possibly made his new girlfriend stop calling him.
<Drusilla> didn't really want to find out.
<Drusilla> possibly made his new girlfriend stop calling him.
<Freyja> the govmint, that's way too down to earth. I was expecting illuminatis, or at least those shady jews
<Drusilla> well, the gov't is illuminatis.
<DanielMLaenker> Does he have issues with Jews? I forget.
<Drusilla> he wants to be Jewish.
<CrazyClimber> so he whips his dick out, one quick cut, and he's jewish to HIM
<Leth> I want to know where it says JC didn't toss off a few times
<Leth> He was a teenager once
<zompist> because his super-sperm would have burrowed through everything in his path and impregnated half of nazareth
<tieboy> Probably well hung, too. That's why there was only one nail left for his feet
<AliasN> "Jesus, honey? ...are you in the outhouse dear?" "nnNOT now MOtheR! Unghn!"
<mdxi> Son of God, Woman of Kleenex
<mdxi> sorta takes on a double meaning in the present context
<tieboy> "Just wait until your father gets corporeal young man!"
<Leth> "You're going to get such a smiting!"
<AliasN> "You're lucky you can heal the blind, young man!"
<tieboy> "If you rise from the dead AND have hairy palms, people will just think you're a vampire instead of the Messiah."

*** zompist has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to Chris' page is about taking a moment to laugh in life
<AliasN> I thought it was about figuring out how to beat off at work without getting caught
<Leth> that too
<CrazyClimber> speaking of which, bbiam
<Leth> bbiam, sounds like Emeril whacking it
<Leth> "B-b-b-b-iiii-aaaammmmmmmmmmmm......"
<Samwise> BAM!
<Samwise> BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMYEAHBABYBAMGAAAHLICKMYNUTSBAM
<Samwise> *applause*
<Leth> Here's a little essence! BAM! <splortch>
<Leth> ok, no more, I'm scaring myself with the mental picture of Emeril spooge
<AliasN> I ask you, what is there NOT to love about you guys?
<Leth> Kick *unf* it *unf* up *unnnff* a notch! *uuuunnnnnggghhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
<Samwise> den, wud I like da doo, is just smear da jizz - can we ged a lookadat? Oh yeah, thad's happy.
<zompist> we make deskies unhappy. oh wait, that's a good thing.
<AliasN> deskies are very sensitive people... they just love to LAUGH! Is that so wrong?!
<CrazyClimber> also, it's open season on leth, who declared in his blog that he is not going to be a wiseass today
<zompist> do they have that "huUh! huUh!" kind of laugh?
<zompist> 'cos that's fuckin' annoying
* Leth has a brain melt again trying to imagine Mark Rosenfelder actually saying that
<Leth> mmmm....brain melt
*** Leth is now known as Leth^FUD
<zompist> ah, jolly good, i most cordially invite you, my dear friend, to bite me
<Leth^FUD> see, that I can imagine easily
<Leth^FUD> much like you can easily imagine me going and getting lunch now
* CrazyClimber imagines leth going and getting lunch every 10 minutes or so, really
* Samwise imagines a conveyor belt that runs past leth's desk
<Samwise> *industrial warner brothers music*
<CrazyClimber> who plays lucy to his lethel?
<Samwise> his other hand
*** Leth^FUD is now known as Leth
<Leth> Sam: not a conveyor belt, more like a chute from a cement truck

<CrazyClimber> well, it isn't a movie, really, it's just a compilation of all of nasa's archived footage
<CrazyClimber> that doesn't mean it isn't ideal to play the first time heidi comes over! if i start it around 7, it won't be over until 5 AM, and at that point, what's she going to do -- go home?
<Freyja> she'll be passed out from boredom at about 7:15
<CrazyClimber> saves on the roofies!
<Freyja> but hey! passed out chick! What's she going to do, say no?
<zompist> she's had so many chances to say no to bob so far that we can only assume she's not right in the head

<Ron> I have no spleen. I just want to get that out in the open.
<zompist> woke up in an ice bath?
<Samwise> was it biopsied?
<zompist> don't you need a spleen for... uh... whatever spleens do?
<AliasN> don't they vent something/
<zompist> they produce overwrought poetry among the french, but i don't know what they do for americans

<tieboy> Martha Stewart... Sammy Sosa... are there no annoyingly obnoxious hateful heroes left?
<zompist> besides yourself?
<tieboy> oh, I'm no hero
<tieboy> I'm barely a hoagie

<Hockeyfag> went over to Tim Hortons for doughnuts, then went back to the truck for debauchery
<tieboy> doughnuts followed by doo and nuts
<me_tew> Creme filled and glazed, and so were the donuts...

<Freyja> look at all those loosely hanging clothes! Looking good! You're like our own little Carnie Wilson miracle.
<hockeyfag> yeah.. they are hanging off me in that pic
* AliasN sings "hold on for one more dayyyy"
<AliasN> thanks a lot, Frey
<Freyja> you're welcome. I'm sure if you need an even more annoying song stuck in your head you'll find plenty of volunteers
<Freyja> <cue kyol belting out Karma Chameleon>
<Samwise> I've got that popish song from transience etched on my brain
*** Freyja has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by Leth (Leth)
*** AliasN has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by Leth (Leth)
<Leth> oh the hatred...
<AliasN> what'd I do? what'd I do?
*** Leth has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by Freyja (checks and balances)
<AliasN> oh, the wilson Philips song
<Freyja> karmakarmakarmakarma karma chameleeeeeeeeon
<Samwise> o/~ Iiiit's a small world aaafter all / iiit's a small world aaafter all... o/~
<agent_orange> amateurs
<Samwise> it's a world of laughter a world of tears it's a world of hopes and a world of fears
<agent_orange> Jitterbug
<agent_orange> Jitterbug
<agent_orange> You put the boom-boom into my heart
<agent_orange> You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts
<agent_orange> c'mon, kyol! sing along!
* Samwise looks at agt
<agent_orange> Wake me up before you go-go
<Samwise> what?
<agent_orange> Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
<raven> freyyyyyyy! Agt's scaring me! Shotgun!
<agent_orange> did I saw sam sing along? did I?
*** Mode change "+b *!*@*.lsupress.lsu.edu" on channel #spinnwebe by Leth
*** Mode change "-b *!*@*.lsupress.lsu.edu" on channel #spinnwebe by MrLuke
<Leth> oh you suck Luke
*** Samwise has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by agent_orange (agent_orange)
*** agent_orange has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by Samwise (fag)
<agent_orange> now
<agent_orange> you feel the power of wham and yet you resist
<agent_orange> foolish mortals
<Samwise> Dude, I didn't listen to wham.
<agent_orange> you fucking liar
<agent_orange> you did too
<raven> It's not the wham so much as the mental image of YOU performing wham.
<Samwise> Not like you must have
<agent_orange> i got that motherfucking song stuck in my head now
<agent_orange> ghah
<Samwise> mwahhahahaha
<AliasN> agto would be so cute in his George Michael orange-tinted wig and white pantsuit
<Samwise> the scorpion stings itself
<raven> You with that serial-killer look you can get, shimmying and singing "Jitterbug..." ngggh.
<agent_orange> you could have stopped at shimmying and still had everyone skeeved
<raven> I'll never be able to look at that music video again.
<agent_orange> "your twoo cow-us / are bootifuw / wike a wainbow ..."
* raven whimpers.
<agent_orange> wait till I do my medley from "the WIz"
<AliasN> dun. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN.
<AliasN> it's the... eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight!
* hockeyfag throws a puck at Aliasn
<Leth> I remember The Wiz. My parents saw it a long time ago before I was born
*** agent_orange has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by raven (That's for picturing you in Cyndi Lauper hair and a punky schoolgirl outfit)
<Leth> oh, I dunno. That's kind of a funny image
<Leth> I may need to find a machine here with photoshop on it
<Leth> oh, there we go. Anyone draw anime-style? Get a schoolgirl dress and he's Sailor_Orange
<zompist> i already drew agto as a girl... your brain calls out for *more*?
<AliasN> I don't know... I can hear Eye of the Tiger as Agto's synchronized swimming music
<hockeyfag> morbid curiousity
<Leth> I have a very disturbed brain
<Leth> and besides, it was raven's idea
<Leth> she started it
<AliasN> his nose all plugged with that creepy nose-plug thing...
<Leth> no swim cap needed, but he wears one anyhow
<Samwise> synchronized agting... they somehow clone an entire team of agts
<Leth> <sideshowbob>
<zompist> what if they all... turned on each other?
<Samwise> all doing that synchronized swimming shit-eating grin...
<zompist> agtobot for multiple agtos
<jeeb> I swear, contemporary Noh drama is /lost/ on you people!
<Leth> </sideshowbob>
<Samwise> <sideshowbob>
<Kyol> It's the default _anyway_...
<Leth> agtobot for long shudders
<jeeb> brrrrumm! <flrppltpltpllty>

<Kyol> Ok, time to give the blood so I can have my morning soda.
<Kyol> *blink blink bleary eyes*
<jacquilynne> That's so sad, Kyol.
<jacquilynne> Are you selling sperm samples for coffee money, too?
<CrazyClimber> oh, kyol's earned a bottomless cup by now
<Leth> they have glory holes at Dunkin out there?
<CrazyClimber> "from the donut hole to the glory hole: the patrick freidel story"

<CrazyClimber> yay! going to red sox-white sox game tuesday!
<CrazyClimber> corporate box seats!
<CrazyClimber> crap, boston's pretty much eliminated. may as well back the white sox.
<zompist> fair weather fan!
<CrazyClimber> i prefer "fan of multiple loyalties"
<zompist> white-sox-curious
<CrazyClimber> that's really not so threatening as "cubs-curious"
<CrazyClimber> which would then lead to "bears-curious"
<hockeyfag> woot

<raven> jacq'll be back, she looooves us.
<agent_orange> she's gone to open a jar of olives
<agent_orange> air riad sirens all over toronto
<raven> "Ruuuun! Eez Olivzirra!"
<agent_orange> pimentos raining down like firely hail
<agent_orange> fiery
<raven> "not....the spanish..ones....not..the...spanishhhh.....
<agent_orange> never forget the day ... someone slipped up, let her have a can of evaporated milk and a church key
<agent_orange> moosenee was never the same after that
<raven> It flowed like lava in the streets....
<agent_orange> playgrounds are empty now, and no one goes out much any more, now that the theater is gone
<agent_orange> they left the crater as a kind of memorial
<raven> crusted with glaze and death
<agent_orange> once a year, the children will gather and roll an olive down the side in tribute to those lost
<agent_orange> and mournfully sing "on top of spagheti"
<raven> beheheh
<raven> candlelight procession winding up the side of the crater
<raven> right in the center, a little shrine with the church key encased in Lucite with the words "Never again." etched in it.

<Leth> I'm getting tired of working with German Win2K
<Leth> "Wunschen Sie, mehr Bauern zu verbrennen? *JA* *NEIN*"
<MageTed> it gives you the option to incinerate farmers?
<Leth> well it IS German

<Leth> There's a class-action suit (in CA I think) where movie theaters are being sued for deceptive practices because the advertised movie start time was not when the movies started and they were tricking customers into sitting through 10 minutes of ads
<Leth> not necessarily the movie previews, but actual ads for Pepsi, etc
<Kyol> Ah, yah.
<Kyol> They're been preempting that here by showing the ads _before_ the start time, and settling down to trailers at the start time, then showing the movie 10-15 minutes after the stated start time.
<Leth> yeah, I think one example mentioned in the suit said movies were starting 20+ minutes after advertised times
<Kyol> Well, makes sense, too - how can you plan anything if you can't take the start time + the length of the movie and get an idea for when you're going to get out?
<me_tew> LAwsuit from Chicago: http://nomovieads.com/doc.htm
<me_tew> "Failure to start the movie at the scheduled time and only after foisting commercials advertisements on the movie-going audience constitutes a breach of contract. "
<me_tew> "In addition, the showing of commercial advertisements prior to feature films, without informing consumers of the real starting times, constitutes a deceptive business practice."
<zompist> seems like a hard case to win
<Leth> I think it's more for the negative press effect. One of the lawyers on the snopes list said that it was a hard case to prove, unless you got a good jury
<Kyol> And, y'know, I wouldn't mind the ads as _much_ if they showed ads fucking filmed FOR cinema, instead of the nasty warped-out fuzzy-ass TV ads.
<Kyol> Either the ads are vertical letterboxed (is there a term for that?) and 4x3, or they're waaaay too wide to fit the screen, and in both cases they're usually fuzzier than a gay bear.
<zompist> i think the industry could easily prove that there is no reasonable expectation that advertised showtime = feature start
<CrazyClimber> i've read that theaters in france charge you less if you go in when the ads start
<Leth> oh you and the French
<Leth> why don't you just friggin marry them
* CrazyClimber surrenders
* Samwise puts on a spiked helmet, plunders bob's apartment
<zompist> i vaguely recall that
<zompist> iirc they advertise two showtimes in france
<CrazyClimber> yeah, apparently, if you're willing to watch the ads, you get a little discount and get a better choice of seats
<CrazyClimber> important because everyone in there smells worse than you
<Leth> heh
<Leth> I want to sue the fucking guys who drive up from the, shall we say, more urban areas who generally put on a half-gallon of Polo before going to the theater
<Guruzilla> for me, Polo is like a signal: Start Hating Me Preemptively
<Leth> well, it might not have been Polo
<Leth> it may have been tear gas
<Leth> it had the same effect

<me_tew> CNN Breaking News: -- Martha Stewart indicted by federal grand jury on charges of obstruction, securities fraud.
<Kyol> But since she's richer than the judge, she won't go to jail. yaaaaay american justice and white collar crimes.
<Leth> BURN MARTHA BURN
<me_tew> "9 charges of securities fraud and obstruction of justice" woah.
<Leth> I cannot state emphatically enough that I really fucking hate Martha Stewart
<Freyja> she entertains the fuck out of me. I love her show. There's moments you can sorta see the bitch through the cracks in her happy happy homemaker mask
<Leth> I favr the death penalty
<Freyja> the show where she started snapping at HER OWN MOTHER was priceless
<Guruzilla> happy-happy-homemaker is almost always a facade for soullessness, i'm starting to be convinced
<Freyja> and she has very little patience with the foreign guest chefs who don't speak english too good. It's awesome. You can almost hear the "dirty gook" thoughts going through her head
<Freyja> s/gook/<insert appropriate derogative racial comment here>/
<Leth> yeah, thanks Froggy
<Freyja> ribbit
<Kyol> Even wossisname frenchie with the kinda cute daughter?
<Freyja> well, her tolerance for the french is pretty high. They're white.
<me_lunch> "Wossisname Frenchie"?
<Kyol> Damn, I can't remember his name.
<Kyol> He has a thick accent, his daughter not so much.
<Kyol> PBS staple.
<AliasN> Sir John Geilgud?

<MisterQ> Oh yeah, I remember that Pizza Hut all cheeze crust pizza
<MisterQ> They stopped making it after people started to sweat mozzerella or something
<mdxi> deep dish hotdogs?
<MisterQ> there's an idea
<MisterQ> maybe they could be like corn dogs, except there will be a layer of cheese and another layer of corn around the hotdog.. like a cheese-stuffed crust deep dish hot dog
<MisterQ> We could call them 'Aorta Stuffers'
<jacquilynne> Someone, somewhere is now developing a fantastic new franchise fast food concept around that very idea.
<MisterQ> It could be me if I valued money more than the collective health of humanity
<drusilla> it's me.
<drusilla> fuck humanity
<MisterQ> I mean this could very well be the idea that causes mankind to evolve into gigantic blobs of fat and brains
<MisterQ> which may or may not float in midair
<drusilla> brains will be involved?
<MisterQ> well, they have to store the cholesterol somewhere

<MisterQ> Also, I think my brain neurons are firing more randomly than usual floppy vampire dauchund sweater

<CCsLunchin> if anyone *is* interested in the web editor gig, please note that you'll be working with our newly hired web developer, who -- quoting from the email -- has an Associate of Applied Science in Electronics from DeVry Institute of Technology
<CCsLunchin> web sites being mostly wires and stuff
<Drusilla> uhm.
<Drusilla> DeVRY offers web-like programs
<Drusilla> that's not one of them.
<Drusilla> and it's DeVry University now.
<zompist> what happened to all the web developers from the dot-com bust?
<zompist> why are they reduced to hiring from (shudder) devry?
<Drusilla> i hate you
<Drusilla> so much
<Drusilla> the hate fills me.
<Drusilla> wait, that's caffeine
<zompist> yeah, yeah, and no hot peppers on that, dammit
<CCsLunchin> you sounded so happy in your LJ, dru
<Drusilla> i'm trying to get off my "if they tease me, they love me" kick
<zompist> in here, it's "if they tease me, i exist"
<CrazyClimber> you should be so unflappably happy that nothing we say perturbs you in the least, then
<Drusilla> well, i am. escept, for the deep-=seated hatred.
<Drusilla> and the lack of typing skills

*** Kyol is now known as Kyol_in_A_Meeting_So_Dont_Expe
<Kyol_in_A_Meeting_So_Dont_Expe> Damn.
<CrazyClimber> ctorate?
<AliasN> don't expedamn?
<me_tew> expedite?
<me_tew> experiment?
<CrazyClimber> i think he's all about the experimentation
<spinn> expell
<me_tew> expend
<zompist> ex-pederast
<me_tew> Ah: Kyol_in_A_Meeting_So_Don't_Expend_Your_Energies_Trying_To_Get_Me_To_Respond
<zompist> well! that's one less mystery in life!
<zompist> 14,829 left!
<Drusilla> what's the next one?
<me_tew> Why there is an apostropy in "Let's you play games and surf the web without restriction, while listening to 100 channels of digital radio."
*** SIGNOFF: CrazyClimber (Connection reset by peer)
<zompist> nah, that one was solved long ago
<Hockeyfag> damn librarians picking up simple gramatical errors
<zompist> lack of editors. look, we just lost another one
*** CrazyClimber has joined #spinnwebe
<Drusilla> yay! he's back.
<AliasN> and this time... it's personal.
<CrazyClimber> i'd never leave you, dru
<CrazyClimber> think of me as jerod, except i'm here in the same place as you
<Drusilla> GAAAAH!
<Drusilla> DIE!
<CrazyClimber> And live at the right hand of our Lord? Sure!
<Drusilla> you're very good at this...
<Samwise> now that's something I imagine wasn't said to jerod.
<AliasN> I assume, Dru, that you were shown the Achewood "Ways to kill Jarod" stips?
<CrazyClimber> i'm sure it would get repetitive and boring eventually
<Drusilla> no.
<zompist> see, this is one of the remaining mysteries: WHY JAPHOD?
<Drusilla> you tihnk i know?
<Drusilla> i stay up at nifght, pondering this
<zompist> well, you might have some clue; you were there
<CrazyClimber> was it actually working at subway that made you decide to stop dating their spokesman?
<spinn> what? you said I figured it out for you
<Drusilla> yeeeah, but i hardly ever talk to you any more, so how right could you be?
<spinn> so much for the usefulness of oracles, then
<zompist> perhaps in person, japhod looks JUST LIKE KEANU
<Drusilla> no.
<zompist> just like carrie ann moss?
<spinn> I think that's what it is. the gay kissyface he's making in his journal actually looks like justin timberlake in person
<Drusilla> you saw that too?
<Drusilla> i just got my glasses before we broke up. that's it.
<Drusilla> or... somethin
<zompist> maybe the ranting is much more convincing in person... you know, when you can see the feltboard
<Drusilla> no.
<Drusilla> it's less.
<Drusilla> 'cos off the staring=at-the-boobs thing
<zompist> it's a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in BATSHIT INSANE
<Drusilla> yes
<Drusilla> someone kill me.
<zompist> did he really stare at your boobs all the time?
<Drusilla> Yes!
<CrazyClimber> why don't we just ignore you? then you cease to exist
<Freyja> who doesn't?
<Drusilla> well, also, my ass.
<zompist> there was a great section in his lj about how no one should tell him to get past it
<Drusilla> why?
<zompist> 'cos you were his perfect soulmate
<Drusilla> oh.
<Drusilla> uhm.
<zompist> obviously. you had tits AND ass
<AliasN> http://www.achewood.com/01172003.html
<AliasN> and http://www.achewood.com/01212003.html
<AliasN> "is perhaps most basic idea" kills me every time
<Drusilla> hehe
<Drusilla> but this jerod still fits in those pants
<Drusilla> and has crazy friends who im me
<Drusilla> about how they're stalking girls who dumped them five years ago
<Drusilla> with his help
<AliasN> well, who would have guessed he had crazy friends
<Drusilla> crazier than him
<zompist> no!
<Drusilla> they actually act upon this shit.
<AliasN> see, I wasn't around so I don't know. How did this retard win you over again?
<Drusilla> good fucking question
<zompist> he promised to write for your zine, didn't he?
<Drusilla> pre-zine
<Drusilla> that's how shawn won me over
<zompist> and machival
<Drusilla> mach won me over?
<zompist> oh, you two were tight, for awhile
<Drusilla> not really
<zompist> oh, you've blocked it out, that's all
<Drusilla> No, I haven't.
<Drusilla> nothing is blocked. unfortunately.
<AliasN> how would you know?
<zompist> we could ask leth... he might have kept some logs of drusilla being nice to machival
<zompist> for future blackmailing and/or spinnoff use
<Drusilla> i'm nice to lots of people i hate
<Freyja> don't try to hideit, we know you're hot for his sweet sweet ass
<Samwise> Oh, sure, his ass gets *two* adjectives?
* Samwise can't compete with that kind of ass
<AliasN> wow, Frey and you didn't even gag when you typed that
<Drusilla> wow.
<AliasN> well, sam, you got the same amount as tie did, though
<Samwise> I can live with that.
<zompist> sam amount of ass?
<zompist> er, same amount?
<AliasN> one sweet for each
<zompist> tie could live inside sam's ass
<AliasN> he may have to
<Samwise> Hey now - don't I have a say as to who or what is in my ass?
<Freyja> note that I never commented on Sam's ass, so who knows how many adjectives I might use. Different ones, even!
<zompist> if it's a choice between tie being on the streets or in your ass, we expect you to do your duty
<Samwise> I'll put him in the lego room.
<Freyja> you have a whole room devoted to lego?
<zompist> in your ass?
<Samwise> Yes, frey; no, zomp
<Freyja> who cares about your ass then? you got toys, that's much better
<zompist> i hear the six-foot lego replica of jessica is something to behold
<Samwise> I don't have that many legos
<Samwise> just a roomful.
<AliasN> burrrrrn
<Freyja> let's talk about mach and dru sexing it up some more, I don't think the subject has really been explored as much as it should
<Drusilla> i hate you.
<Freyja> has he ever made the crush list? What's with those logs I'm hearing about? Where's Leth when you need him?
<AliasN> What's wrong with Mach? He is a young, angsty person who is prone to dramatic emotionalisms.
<AliasN> Sounds like just your type
<Drusilla> my old type.
<Freyja> and he's kinda cute, if you ignore his grating personality and tendency to be a mama's boy
* zompist mails mach: GO FOR IT DUDE YOU ARE SO IN WITH ALIAS
<Drusilla> and looks.
* AliasN will pay zompist good USD to not push "send"

<jacquilynne> Argh.
<jacquilynne> I have this silly ass new kitchen gadget, but I don't know how to oepn the fricking thing.
<jacquilynne> Oh. There, I've figured it out.
<jacquilynne> Now, the fun thing is, they include instructions on how to open it, but the instructions on opening are contained *within* it.
<MisterQ> what is your new kitchen gadget? Is it a tesseract?
<MisterQ> no one should be without a tesseract in their kitchen
<mdxi> it's a Ronco Lemarchand Box
<MisterQ> The 4 dimentional cube slices, it dices, makes julianne fries all in the same moment in time
<MisterQ> heh.. although a Lemarchand Box can always summon Cenobites from Hell to do the housework
<MisterQ> makes a great wedding gift
<MisterQ> and jacqui managed to figure out how to open it
<jacquilynne> No, it was a spice processor.
<jacquilynne> And not only do the instructions suck, the thing sucks.
<jacquilynne> I'm gravely disappointed.
<MisterQ> Perhaps you need one of those giant worms from Dune to process the spice?
<mdxi> problem with that is that sandtrout seal off every drop of water in the whole house
<mdxi> then you either have to move out or become the God Emporer
<mdxi> and we all know what a pain in the ass THAT is

<mdxi> oh no you have seen through my clever web of bullshit!
<hiway> ... a "web of bullshit" would be really icky.
<MisterQ> as would be the spider who spun it
<MisterQ> the foul poorantula
<hiway> it'd have to use genuine bull shit, though.
<hiway> like, it'd hang around on farms to collect its poopy harvest.
<MisterQ> thats what happens when genetics crosses a giant spider with a dung beetle
<hiway> ... genetics rocks.
<MisterQ> Then a lone, mutant dung beetle escapes captivity to bite mild mannered Peter Parker on the hand
<MisterQ> And forever more, he will be known as the superhero called..
<MisterQ> Mr. Poo!
* Maus Quit (Quit: And may he watch over me as I sleep.)
<MisterQ> Mr. Poo shall watch over Maus as he sleeps
<hiway> you'd think a superhero would have better things to do.
<Machival> like weave shitwebs.
<hiway> well, yeah.
<hiway> but you'd think there'd be a better place to weave shitwebs than over maus
<Machival> I can't think of very many... that bastard!
<hamlette> fecalman, fecalman...
<MisterQ> o/` fecal-man, fecal-man; does whatever a dung beetle can. Spins a web, made of poo; spends too much time in the loo. Look out! Here comes the fecal-man! o/`
<MisterQ> It's non-stop corpophagic action on the next episode of Fecal-man!
<hiway> nah, not coprophagic. copro... uh... what's the fake latin/greek for someone who shoots poo from their wrists?
<MisterQ> loner?

<MisterQ> hows ya been?
<Machival> eh, I've been slipping around in the usual crap. you?
<MisterQ> well.. let me just put it this way. Is it usually okay for the phlem you cough up to change colors?
<Machival> not really.
<MisterQ> Then I'm not doin so hot.
<Machival> you mean, change colors once it leaves your mouth? like that magic kool-aid?
<MisterQ> kinda
<Machival> eeew. neat, but eeew.
<Machival> go see a doctor.
<MisterQ> Meh.. doctor. He'll probably want to do all those tests then send me to a mortitian again
<MisterQ> I'll be fine
<Machival> if it doesn't get better by the end of this week, go see a doctor.
<MisterQ> That sounds better. This is day 2 of the sick-stravaganza for me
<Lore> Great Phlegmdini
<MisterQ> As long as the phlem doesn't start moving on it's own accord ala liquid terminator, I should be fine
<Machival> you should collect all of it and mix it with some corn starch and make statues out of it.
<Machival> like, sculpt "the last supper" or something.
<drusilla> why do i try to eat while i'm in here?
<Machival> neurological disorder?
<drusilla> must be it
<Machival> maybe you're subconsciously desiring to lose weight, so you want to disgust yourself to the point where you have to limit your food intake.
<Machival> that'd be cool. weight-loss camp... clockwork orange style.

<jupitre> huh. Whenever I see "got" anything, I think "Got Milk?"
<jupitre> then I think "Gott milk"
<Machival> then I die a little on the inside.
<drusilla> yay!
<drusilla> i mean, oh.

<AliasN> how are things in Texas since the sassy one from the Dixie Chicks basically defected?
<Craig> many of the country stations are bowing to fan pressure and not playing any DC music
<Craig> which is surprising, as they're from Dallas and all
<spinn> dorks
<spinn> god I hate that
<shil> losers
<spinn> I forget, what did she say
<Craig> but they may have truly fucked themselves
<Craig> "We're ashamed that the president is also from Texas"
<spinn> ahhh yeah I forgot
<spinn> actually the dangerous part there is texas
<spinn> I take that back, that actually was kinda dumb
<Craig> she said it in a concertin England, so I'm sure it was a "What's up, Cleveland!" kind of comment
<spinn> still in a people-being-dorks kinda way, but at least it's not really a DON'T BE DISSIN MAH PREZ way
<Craig> but, I mean, damn, you had to know it'd come back to here
<AliasN> to quote The Daily Show "Texans feel they've been messed with. Something we've been specifically warned NOT to do."
<spinn> yeah, I think texans are proud of the waco massacres, for example
<spinn> because, you know. texas.
<Craig> and I think it's kinda cool -- not because I'm particularly vindictive, but it's like people using the whole free enterprise/capitalism system like they should
<Craig> yea yea
<Craig> we're gun toting maniacs who only care about BBQ, high school football, beer, and....
<Craig> hmmm.
<Craig> I had a point when I started that...
<AliasN> I've been to Texas and I liked it.
<Craig> thank you!
<AliasN> (This was before I knew you lived there, though, Craig. I'm sure THEN I would have LOVED it.)
<Craig> must not've been august
<Samwise> ...or july. Or september.
<Craig> maybe those two weeks in March
<spinn> texas is big, though. you probably saw the 0.002% of it surrounded by cardboard storefronts and such
<spinn> being held up by large rednecks with guns who took turns pissing in a beer can
<Samwise> Turns? Damn city folk...
<Craig> I guess we don't have any regulars who live in Denver
<Craig> man, what an assfucking they've gotten recently
<Craig> what, like 31 inches overnight, right?
<Samwise> True!
<Samwise> Right up the tailpipe with an 11-foot snow dildo
<Craig> just like hock
<AliasN> yeah!
<spinn> OH!
<spinn> THERE'S a contest!
<spinn> damn. I need to order this phone and take a desk apart
<spinn> will have to see if I have time for that
<Machival> where are you moving, spinn?
<Craig> I know what those words mean, but in that order, I don't understand what you're saying
<spinn> a mile and a half west of here
<Machival> ahhh.
<AliasN> thank god, Craig, I thought it was just me
<spinn> I have to 1) order a phone
<spinn> 2) take a desk apart
<Craig> I must spatula this asphalt but not likely to hammer the cloud capital
<spinn> before 3) I can consider writing up something for a contest
<Craig> ah
<spinn> but all of which is after 0) calling you an idiot
<Craig> thanks; my spinn-stream-of-consciousness to English translator must be on the fritz
<Craig> * spinn checks something off his To Do list
<spinn> stream of nothing! da hell is wrong with that sentence
<AliasN> when I go back and read it, nothing seems to be wrong with it, spinn.
<AliasN> But for some reason it didn't scan first time around
<spinn> no, actually, there is one thing wrong with it
* Craig braces
<spinn> it didn't say anything disparaging about texas
<spinn> beheheh heh heh
<spinn> okay, point to you, sir
<Craig> Greg, where're you moving to?
<spinn> <Craig> I know what those words mean, but in that order, I don't understand what you're saying
<spinn> <spinn> a mile and a half west of here
<spinn> I think you're just not getting my non-texan speak at all
<AliasN> speak louder, spinn
<spinn> A MILE. AND A HALF. WESSSST. OF HERRRRE
<Craig> you know I don't listen to what you say, you asswipe
<Craig> so.
<Craig> where're you moving to?
* spinn makes a length motion, a smaller length motion, an expansive motion to the left, and a circular motion pointing at the floor
<Craig> behehe
<spinn> goddamn I amuse myself
<Craig> and others, at least, so you're a step ahead of, say, Carrot Top
<Samwise> Though you're not tie's lover by proxy.
<Craig> as far as we -- blisffully -- know
<Samwise> Yeah... hate to wonder who the proxy was, or if there even is one.
<spinn> maybe there was a night of drunken stupor at a cast party that caused tie's subconscious to invent a proxy in self-defense
<Craig> wait till CT sees him on the street...
<Craig> "Chris! You never called!"
<AliasN> "You didn't dial down the center!"
<spinn> "see ay elllll elllll ay tee tee" with drawn-out curly tongue motions at the l's

<mdxi> gah, some fucker's trying to outbid me on this 1925 Keuffel and Esser slide rule manual! NEVAR!
<spinn> that's something you usually don't expect would start a fist fight
<jarikiel> I'd think it'd start a friendship. How many people collect slide rule manuals?
<spinn> three
<mdxi> i don't collect slide rule manuals, btw. i just want this one for more general computing and engineering history reasons.
<raven> suuuuure.
<CrazyClimber> that sounds much better than "i'm getting bored with photos of naked women"
<mdxi> no, honest! i just want this one. and the K-E Log Log Duotrig Rule manual i won yesterday.
<mdxi> i swear
<mdxi> really
<spinn> he wants the slide rule manual because he's working on some technical Boob Index based on curvature and circumference
<mdxi> that would probably be entertaining
<jarikiel> And if you put it on your website, you can get hits for Slide Rule Porn.
<CrazyClimber> i'm willing to bet my father's desk at the old family manse has three or four slide rules.
<zompist> "if i said your breast had a nice arctangent, would you hold it against me?"
<CrazyClimber> "nice pair o' parabolas you got there"
<zompist> "my slide rule predicts that your nipple is right *here*; can i just verify that?"
<spinn> "whoa! check out /those/ conic sections!"
<Maus> Hiya, everybody
<spinn> hi, dr. maus
<Maus> How are things to-day?
<Maus> Oh. I forgot that most of you work at normal-ish jobs that require you to not goof off.
<mdxi> not me, brother
<mdxi> i just sit here jerking off to slide rules all day
<Maus> Sweet. Any new ones for February?
<mdxi> yeah, i just got the new issue of "Slide" in the mail. centerfold is a mid-1950s Pickett Duplex Trig.
<mdxi> totally cherry
<Babich> I much prefer the flight calculator slide rules http://www.pooleys.com/acatalog/Online_Catalogue_Flight_Computers_11.html uhhhhhhh baby....look at the fucking curves on that honey
<Maus> How about these ten inches of pure sexy? http://www.hpmuseum.org/powerlog.jpg
<jarikiel> I heard Pickett got disqualified from the Slide Rule of the World competition because of that.
<Maus> Not from the 1972 Slide Rule USA Pageant, though.
<jarikiel> That's America. It was probably ruling for one of the judges, if you know what I mean...
<Maus> TAKE IT BACK.
<jarikiel> Or all the judges, knowing Pickett... Fastest Slide in the West, we used to call 'er...
<Maus> I will NOT have my angel befouled in this manner. MY WORLD IS FALLING APART.
<jarikiel> So now's a bad time to mention her lesbian relationship with my aunt...
<Maus> Now I feel like re-writing Chasing Amy, but with a slide rule instead of Alyssa Jones.
<jarikiel> Hey, that might actually get me out of the house. If I could unlock the chains on the door.

<CrazyClimber> this book has a beef ceviche recipe, apparently
<CrazyClimber> and google has many recipes for "Argentinean Beef Roll Ceviche"
<CrazyClimber> which is apparently the Red Velvet Cake of argentina
* mdxi imagines a cow-based red velvet cake and starts feeling slightly ill
<Lore> Is that the one where the person thinks the recipe is two hundred fifty Argentine pesos and it turns out to actually be two hundred fifty American dollars?
<CrazyClimber> yes, plus, after they eat it, they wake up in a bathtub full of lime juice with a note on the mirror
<Lore> "Ole!"
<Lore> "Esto sarape, dos dolares!"
<Lore> "We don't need no stinking bandages!"

<Lore> What would you put into a marinade to make it alkaline? Baking soda?
<CrazyClimber> or dutch cocoa
<CrazyClimber> isn't brine typically alkali?
<Lore> I dunno. Is salt alkaline?
<raven> salts are neutral.
<Lore> Like the swiss!
<Lore> or druids!
<Lore> Man. A Swiss druid would be pretty fucking neutral.
<mdxi> acid + base = salt
<mdxi> acid + bass = candy
<Leth> mdxi: acid + bass = fusion jazz
<CrazyClimber> well, i'll soak my next pork chop in alkaseltzer overnight to see how it comes out.
<raven> a little baking soda is supposed to be a great tenderizer.
<Lore> Chop, chop, fizz, fizz
<CrazyClimber> pop chops!
<CrazyClimber> the fizzy meat!
* CrazyClimber runs off to the patent office
<Lore> I find that low-grade cuts of meat respond well to the "good cop, bad cop" routine.
<Lore> "Now, look, Mr...Round was it? We just need a little information." "Let me beat it out of him! Scum!"
<ristoril> i find they respond best to loving parents who take an interest in their studies

<raven> stupid hysterectomy "branding" bints. Shut up - the guy took out the damn thing, who cares if he uses it for hacky-sack? It's MEDICAL WASTE.
<tieboy> you should take it home and dress it up
<raven> If I ever have an organ removed, I'd want to take it home in a jar.
<raven> "Look, a snowglobe of meat!"
<raven> *shakeshakeshake*
<zompist> put a speaker inside it
<zompist> an organ in a jar is fun, but an organ that goes blorp would be splendiferous

<Drusilla> i love you, Craig.
<Drusilla> can i borrow some money?
<Craig> of course
<Craig> what're you gonna spend it on?
<Craig> you don't pay rent
<Craig> or buy groceries
<Drusilla> yes, i do.
<Drusilla> but i was going to spend it on clothes
<Drusilla> and shampoo
<Craig> how 'bout I loan you $.35 and you use it to call Child Protective Services?
<Craig> Those are basic needs you parents should probably be providing
<SeanQ> they are, craig: food, shelter, deeply rooted psychoses
<SeanQ> all the usuals
<Drusilla> my mom buys hippie food
<Drusilla> all natural soy organic unbleached something
<Craig> yum!
<Drusilla> i buy ravioli
<Drusilla> also, i'm 18
<Craig> yea, so, you're still at home
<Drusilla> and bigger than my mom
<Craig> "unemancipated" we call it
<Freyja> steal a couple bags of meatballs and frozen bread dough on your way out from Subway, and you'll be all set
<raven> yeah, you can't leave subway until you snag enough bulk food to last you a month or two.
<Drusilla> that's my plan for my last scheduled day
<Drusilla> i get free tuition for living here
<mdxi> Craig: you mean if i move back in with my mom, i can make the authorities make her take care of me?
<mdxi> and do i have to move where you are, or does that work anywhere?
<Drusilla> you're going to move to texas?
<Craig> shawn, i think once you've moved out and gotten married and grown old and directed porn and stuff, it's too late
<SeanQ> grab a big tub of their sweet onion teriyake sauce, it's yummy
<Drusilla> it comes in bags, not tubs
<Drusilla> and there're two sauces and GAAAAHH
<Drusilla> i need an ice pick to remove this knowledge from my head
<Samwise> Dru: may I recommend you do it on your next to last day? Or the week leading to it?
<Samwise> They'll probably be watching you on your last day.
<SeanQ> listen, you're the deliologist, I'm only making suggestions

<CrazyClimber> ok, why the hell wouldn't amazon have a tab for calendars? and why aren't they 50% off yet anywhere?
<Drusilla> because God hates you.
<CrazyClimber> true that -- here you are
<MichaelKelso> BURRRRRRRRRRN!
<Drusilla> he also hates me. i need a new calendar
<zompist> being an atheist, you should insist on using a calendar that doesn't glorify christian deities
<CrazyClimber> her or me?
<CrazyClimber> you're more a confused neopagan than an atheist, right, dru?
<Drusilla> i'm more just confused.
<zompist> well, you're the atheist. i'm not sure i even want to know what drusilla is.
<Drusilla> me either!
<Drusilla> i'd explain, but i don't have enough puppets.

<Babich> a girl I met last night asked me what the strongest muscle in the human body was, I said toungue. She said it was the uterus. I invited her to wrestle.
<zompist> rimshot!
<Samwise> well, that's if it's dark and he misses

* mdxi wonders why beef jerky comes in a resealable bag, implying that it is possible not to eat *all* the jerky in one go
<Craig> there's some big freakin' bags of jerky out there
<ristoril> it also sort of implies that jerky can go bad
<ristoril> which... i don't think it can
<ristoril> not without a lot of work
<Kyol> I'm thinking that beef jerky would get kinda nasty if it was left open and, y'know, sucking up water.
<SeanQ> I left a piece of beef jerky in a glass of water once, and two weeks later it had grown back into a full-sized heffer
<SeanQ> kinda like a sea monkey, only tastier!
<Kyol> beef monkies!
<Craig> yum
<mdxi> sea dogies?

<raven> christ, I hate Bush.
<raven> Did you know that the Big Brothers/Sisters program allows GAY mentors?!
<raven> Oh my god! He may just have to cancel his membership and run screaming into the streets!
<SeanQ> well there's always the Boy Scouts
<SeanQ> who are two swastika armpatches removed from the Aryan youth
<raven> yeah, christ, I can't wait until they start making little felt badges for the undesirables in Craft Jamboree.
<SeanQ> "And please, men, in the morning, be sure you're in the correct shower room."
<ristoril> Courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent SIEG HEIL!
* Samwise looks askance at rist
<CrazyClimber> he forget four of the dwarves -- trustworthy, loyal, helpful, and friendly
<ristoril> maybe I was being clever
<ristoril> heh, ok, even i can't keep a straight face on that one

<Samwise> keith: You can be nice and make fun of someone.
<keith> How?
<Samwise> Well, for instance, let's say I was talking about my belt for some reason. I comment that tie would notice it, because he's 3'4" tall.
<Samwise> That's 1) making fun of him, and thus funny 2) nice, because he's not nearly that tall.

<Leth> waait, fuck ME?
<CrazyClimber> there any room left?
<spinn> sure, his bunghole flaps loosely like a boat sail in low winds
<ristoril> but when you punch him in the back of the head, it tightens up like it found the jet stream
*** SIGNOFF: ristoril (Quit: donkey punch!)
<Leth> what the FUCK
<Kyol> YOu forgot the "sir" there..
<Leth> what am I missing in that? where's the funny
<spinn> I was amused by it
<Leth> you would
<spinn> mostly because it involved punching you in the back of the head
<Leth> oh, ok

<ristoril> zomp, did yo umake this language up on your own?
<zompist> english?
<Craig> no, he had help with that
<zompist> yeah, i had a time machine and time to kill
<Craig> largely from the Romans, but others pitched in, too
<zompist> i'm particularly proud of the orthography. muaaa-haa-ahaa!
<ristoril> i was looking for a new comic, in vain, and found your front page accidentally
<ristoril> I haven't seen this many accent marks since I accidentally joined #spanish_cursing
<Craig> speaking of which, Mr. No Update Rants Since Dec. 9 and Who Knows When Before Then...
<Craig> chop chop!
<CrazyClimber> zomp is channeling lore
<zompist> rating for bob's joke: b+

<Kyol> Yeah, I thought it was just food poisoning of some kind until I found out that, like, 6 other people in my immediate aquaintance got it the night after I got it.
<SeanQ> Typhoid Fairy

<raven> heh, just got spam from "Fuckeria".
<raven> Like a giant Galleria of Fuckitude.
<Craig> or a cafeteria of fuckage
<raven> ooooh, that's depressing.
<Leth> they have an interesting buffet special
<tieboy> i can never finish, and have to get a doggie-style bag

<Samwise> "Segway: We kill pretentious yuppies who have too much money so you don't have to"
<CrazyClimber> are any yuppies using them? i thought it was just police so far
<AliasN> are there such things a yuppies still?
<AliasN> as
<Leth> maybe in Nebraska
<Leth> takes a while for the news to get out there
<CrazyClimber> in nebraska, yuppies are people who buy their corn
<Samwise> Rrrrright.
<Leth> ok, Bob wins
<Samwise> That may be the first time in history nebraska was accused of having yuppies.
<Hockeyfag> yuppy amish people..
<jacquilynne> Yeah, well, what with the 'urban' requirement, it's hard for Nebraska.
<Samwise> hey hey hey - we remain amish-free.
<Hockeyfag> wearing those black coats tied around their necks
<Leth> o/~ yuppie Amish people holding haaaaannnndsss... o/~
<Leth> driving their sport utility buggies (4 horse drive)
<AliasN> drinking well water out of designer gourds
<Leth> eating a lot of sushi... well, ok, raw pork on wheat bread, but still

<Samwise> You could be quite the gigolo on the nursing home scene...
<Samwise> scooping up one inheritance after another.
<CrazyClimber> i should move in on 'em now, considering the life expectancy of males in my family
<CrazyClimber> not gonna get to marry the rich ones in my golden years
<Samwise> So what are these, your molybdenum years?
<ristoril> Urine Years
<ristoril> uh, uranium years
<zompist> he's still climbing. when he's really old he'll be crazyrecliner
<CrazyClimber> sam, you are like the geek's geek
<Samwise> Really? Thank you!
<CrazyClimber> oh, yeah, definitely meant admiringly
<CrazyClimber> i mean, *molybdenum*... geez
<ristoril> if bonwag were riffing, it'd be the Aluminium years
<Samwise> And if you weren't riffing, it'd be funnier.

<spinn> http://www.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/europe/11/07/offbeat.scary.squirrel.reut/index.html
<spinn> though, actually, I can kinda sympathize. I was going in the house yesterday and there was this squirrel on a tree making this really odd noise
<spinn> kind of pissed off barking/wheezing, protecting-my-territory noise
<spinn> it occurred to me that it'd be really easy for this thing to run over and climb all over me and bite me wherever the hell it wanted
<raven> _The Squirrels_, coming to a theater near you.
<hockeyfag> *squeek* what was that?????
<raven> "I'll never trust squirrels again." Because *before* these attacks, the quiet little town depended on squirrels for milk delivery and babysitting services....
<CrazyClimber> and short-term loans... that's what really hurts

<AliasN> dammit Bob, now you're making me hungry
<CrazyClimber> a lot of women tell me that
<zompist> they know they can finagle a free dinner out of you
<CrazyClimber> or perhaps they prefer burger king to me
<Lore> Well, he is royalty.
<zompist> if the burger king line ever runs out of males, they have to become burger queen
<Lore> And her Burger Consort.
<Lore> The fifth Burger King had three bastard sons by a series of fry cooks.
<zompist> what's mayor mccheese's domain again? hamburgerburg?
<Lore> McDonaldland, I think.
<Zole> Yeah, that's it.
<CrazyClimber> it would be cool if counter workers at burger king had to wear armor to demonstrate their fealty
<zompist> only for the boys. the girls should wear diaphanous gowns
<Lore> I should re-write the Arthur mythos in terms of Burger King. I could be the Marion Zimmer-Bradley of fast food.
<CrazyClimber> well, i'm assuming the grease would either turn the gowns transparent or burn holes in them
<zompist> and the downside is?
<Lore> Whosoever pulleth this spatula from this block of lard is rightwise born King of all Burgers.
<zompist> >splwoortssh CLANG<
<Lore> And nobody's actually trying it. They're just standing around saying "Eh, ain't my job" and asking if they can take their break.

<mdxi> 75.jpg was some other random slutpuppy who i didn't find at all attractive
<Splicer> you don;t have a 74
<Splicer> or a 12
<agent_orange> you're gonna get a .45 in a minute if you don't shut your cock hole
<Leth> remember, there's Americans here
<Leth> guns galore
<spinn> yeah that's us
<spinn> not a more gun-totin' group of people that's for sure
<Splicer> That;s nice. We've been having a guerrilla war with the top quarter of the country for 75 years, and oput and out war with the country next to use for the previous 750
<Splicer> I think we win :P
<Samwise> Win? It takes 750 years to win a war?
<Splicer> Well, they DID kill of 75% of the population in the first few... it took us a while to restock
<spinn> "new irishmen in yet?" "thursday."
<mdxi> you should've imported some americans. we'll do absolutely anything for money. adn killin' for free a lot of times.
<Samwise> "Bloody 'ell. Just a 'andful of zulus, then."
<Splicer> actually, we exported americans...
<Splicer> where do you think ye all came from?

<mdxi> having a hard time deciding what to say here
<mdxi> want to be polite
<Leth> you feeling ok, mdxi?
<zompist> shawn: why's that?
<mdxi> sometimes i feel like i'm too rude to new people. i'm turning over a new leaf.
<Leth> pussy
<mdxi> GET A FUCKING HUMOR DETECTOR YOU BESOTTED SHEEPFUCKER
<agent_orange> wow
<spinn> this is currently the amount of impolite you want
<agent_orange> you have toned down
<spinn> yeah, it's like he doesn't even care
<Freyja> besotted? Really?
<Leth> Yeah, this new leaf works well for you
<spinn> craftsmanship is for shit these days
<zompist> wait, didn't he say he didn't sot?
<mdxi> that's like jacqui insisting that canadian money actually buys things
<mdxi> we all know it isn't true
<Splicer> there are..... *counts* approx 80 million americans who claim irish descent. And I don;t keep sheep. And I'm going to dop the topic due to it annoying people
<agent_orange> no, you send them home the next morning with taxi fare
<Leth> well, if the Pope had let them wear rubbers, it'd only be 20 million
<Splicer> *shrugs* don;t look at me... they're the ones who couldn;t stick it back home
<spinn> true, you wren't talking to 80 million americans at the time, though
<Samwise> Hey now. The irish *do* lay a damn fine railroad.
<Leth> and them Chinese too
<Splicer> Insult Irish americans all you like... they ran away when we needed them most...
<Leth> ...
<Samwise> After them blacks got all uppity, Patty O'Drunkenarse was the next best labor.
<Splicer> I do believe you mean paddy.. patty had a bad back and stayed home most weekdays
<agent_orange> needed them? for what? human bombs?
<Samwise> No, to sacrifice to the Potato God (otherwise known as the Pringle's Head) for a return to bountiful harvests
<Splicer> Nah, we never went in for the suicide bombers. We went in more for the suicide set fire to the landlords house and poke them with pointy things when they came out tactics
<Leth> well, I guess we know now how you feel abotu The Cause
<agent_orange> how does the eurotrash keep finding us? is there a link on some football hooligan bulletin board?

<spinn> oh, we discovered schumin-decorated thongs last night
<Kyol> gak!
<ristoril> I thought I felt the earth lurch in its rotation
<spinn> it really, I mean
<spinn> we were going on about how it hurt, but I don't think anyone was riffing
<Leth> I cannot comment, as I am too busy keeping my breakfast down
<Kyol> If they were thongs for men, it'd bring new meaning to the term "gettin' a chubby"...
<spinn> though schumin has a pic of himself on his home page where he actually doesn't have that damn grin
<Kyol> But that makes it an even _worse_ mental picture. Sorry, sorry.
<spinn> whether or not it's an improvement is open to debate
<spinn> http://images.cafepress.com/prodtn/3609811_F_tn.jpg
<Leth> fuck
<Leth> I clicked
<Kyol> I looked at the trap, ray.
<spinn> yeah. if I'm gonna feel that pain you damn well will feel it with me
<Samwise> "grin" is too nice a word...
<Leth> heh, although it's a damned fine method of birth control
<spinn> yah, that's what I said. what better way to say "you're not getting any tonight"
<Leth> "You're never gonna want any again"
<Samwise> "grimace" doesn't quite cover it... "tooth exposing open-mouthedness" is awkward

<mdxi> hm. so a pair of physicists now say that the universe may NOT die a trillion year heat-death, but the "dark energy" which is pushing it all outward may become negative, causing everything to collapse in on itself in a mere 10 to 20 billion years
<spinn> you know they don't have a clue when they make up terms like "dark energy"
<spinn> "strange matter"
<Kyol> "quark"
<Leth> "Brodie"
<mdxi> they have observations with no detectable explanation. i reckon "dark energy" and "superstrings" are better than "elder gods"

<MisterQ> so what do you do if you want sex?
<Drusilla> haven't gotten to that yet
<Leth> Q: so far it's all been non-consentual
<agent_orange> shit
<agent_orange> two strokes, he's over, he's done, he's already draged you to the foot of the bed to pray with him for forgiveness
<agent_orange> walking around with that purple cloth over his head, weeping
<MisterQ> doesn't sound too fun
* Drusilla bites tongue and does not incriminate self further
<Drusilla> so how about that world series, huh?
<Leth> oh, so you use your tongue?
<Drusilla> i sure do.
<Leth> I see, only other goth chicks
<Leth> it all makes sense
<Drusilla> no. sadly.
<Leth> sadly goes without saying
<Machival> do you kick him in the balls really hard so he ejaculates blood to add to the sense of vampire adventure?
<agent_orange> it's really not all that different in taste or texture from that turkey bologna you use at subway
<Leth> just moister and doesn't smell like Jared
<Leth> usually
<Drusilla> everyone who's fucking around with my nonexistent sex life and promised to write me something months ago, go write. now.
<MisterQ> what kind of things?
<agent_orange> jusp fold a few of those up in a napkin and bury your mush in it and you'll pretty much have the experience
<Machival> who un-died and made you queen of the damned?
<MisterQ> what things do you need for your zine?
<agent_orange> you're wasting all your "A" material, mach!
<mdxi> by the time jared dies he will have become a demigod. he will be cured and mixed in with the ham then devoured by the faithful. there will be a sweepstakes.
<Machival> agto: how will she simulate the nervous, angsty, fearful, shamed spasming?
<agent_orange> mach: she could read the scrollback

<Leth> what an amazing fucking scam
<Leth> I got an email on my hotmail account saying I had "received an e-card!"
<Leth> so I pasted the URL into a browser and followed it
<Leth> it went to an e-card site that asked me for optional marketing info
<Leth> I didn't fill out the info, and clicked "Just gimme the card"
<Leth> (paraphrase)
<Craig> "put your magic happy fun numbers here [ ] to claim your e-card. Note: these numbers can be found on the front of your Visa card."
<Samwise> Place your house key in this box [ ] and trace around it.
<Leth> instead of a card, I was told the sender's card had been deleted due to TOS violations, oh and by the way, would I like to sign up for their e-greeting card service?
<Samwise> yay, Leth's gonna send us all e-crap!
<SeanQ> the TOS violtion being that you refused to giev them the marketing info, I guess
<Craig> www.yesyespleasemorespam.com

<Kyol> On the plus side, I found a copy of the Red Army Choir singing Que Sera Sera for the K Foundation.
<ristoril> if a bunch of commies singing campfire songs gets your heart pumping
<Kyol> Capitalists, at that point, I believe. Just not particularly _good_ ones.
<ristoril> red = dirty commie
<ristoril> dirty, filthy, baby-eating commie
<CrazyClimber> that's only a problem if you're a breeder
<raven> considering the rate that breeders are killing off their own kids, maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
<raven> especially since leaving-your-kid-in-your-car-in-the-hot-sun-all-day season is almost over.
<ristoril> oh man, and i still gotta buy presents
<SeanQ> there's still a couple of months left of push-your-car-into-a-lake season

<Leth> hmm... do I want a bagel, or a shooting rampage?
<Leth> decisions, decisions
<spinn> I say get the bagel and see how you feel after that
<spinn> if you still feel a little shooty, then rampage after
<Leth> oh, I could probably get a good cup of coffee too
<Leth> maybe decaf, though, don't want a jittery shooting hand
<raven> And you'll be fed and caffeinated, which is important if it becomes a siege.
<Leth> oh, good point rave
<CCsLunchin> on the other hand, if you shoot first, there's more for you later
<Leth> maybe I'll get the bagel, shoot up the bagel shop a little, see if I want to run with it
<raven> sounds good
<spinn> use rubber bullets
<CCsLunchin> look both ways before crossing, and make sure your underwear is clean
<Leth> bah, rubber bullets don't give the same satisfying exit wound spatter
<CrazyClimber> bleh. i had seven page proofs on my desk when i left, there were three more on my desk when i got back
<CrazyClimber> and all of them take priority over the stuff my boss wanted me to give priority to
<CrazyClimber> good thing my slovenly work ethic allows me to be here
<CrazyClimber> on the other hand, leth, feel free to shoot a couple of people for me
<Leth> you got it!
<CrazyClimber> you're a bud. first beer's on me once you're paroled.
<Leth> thanks!
<Leth> whoops, SWAT's here
<CrazyClimber> remember, without a warrant, you don't have to let them into your cube.

<ristoril> man... i was gonna Gimp a screenshot of scorched earth for the 'photoshop this leaflet dropped on iraq' but then i went to eat and had to train some wind tunnel operators
<ristoril> oh well
<spinn> isn't that always the way
<Leth> I hate it when that happens
<Leth> it's always the goddamned wind tunnel

<CrazyClimber> heh, the new issue of copy editor magazine approves of the use of "script kiddie" for general publications
<CrazyClimber> the spelling "script kiddy" is allowed but not preferred
<CrazyClimber> front page news: "Copy editors spend a surprising amount of time thinking about diacritical marks."
<CrazyClimber> all this for only $89 a year
<Kyol> only $89?
<Kyol> That's a steal.
<CrazyClimber> well, six issues, so you get your money's worth
<Kyol> Are they big thick, computer shopper-sized issues, or are they skinny little 32 sheets stapled together linuxworld sized issues?
<CrazyClimber> 8 pages
<CrazyClimber> folded on the spine and then to fit into a standard envelope
<CrazyClimber> and lots of information like "the copy editor is, in a way, a combination of shaman, trusted friend, and dominatrix."
<Kyol> Ah, so it's Penthouse Forum for copy editors. Gotcha.
<mdxi> what's your totem? Pica Ruler? APA Style Guide? OED?
<mdxi> and could you cast "Protection From Repetitive Transposition Errors" on me?
<CrazyClimber> my safeword is "diacritical mark"
<spinn> Level 3: Yolga's Consistent Tense
<mdxi> Transmute First to Third (Reversible)
<CrazyClimber> damn, even it says it's time to stop using "whom"
<CrazyClimber> no. freakin. way.
<Kyol> Huh.
<Kyol> I just _started_, damnit.
<CrazyClimber> wish i knew who to write to so i could bitch about it.
<CrazyClimber> the interview this issue asks hard-hitting questions like "You've been copy edited quite often. What's the experience like for you?"
<CrazyClimber> that's actually the question that provoked the above comment re. shaman etc.
<spinn> man that's ivory tower
<mdxi> "Well, Ted, let's just say that without the steadying hand of the COPY EDITOR, Western civilization would have gone right back into the toilet after the late 1600s."
<CrazyClimber> and see, it was funny because i should have said "whom to write to."
<Kyol> CC; Yes, yes, I'm sure you snurfles into your coffee.

Disclaimer : These are actual IRC transcripts. Some editing has been done, either by arranging lines slightly (so conversational blocks look coherent), by deleting irrelevant lines, or lumping multiple consecutive lines by the same author together. For one or two people who used multiple aliases, I picked their most common alias and used it throughout. The actual text and/or the intent of the text has remained untouched. If any of the participants chronicled below have issues, objections or comments, please drop me a line.