IRC Quotes : Page 6

SWHC



<CrazyClimber> and having read the scrolback, i'll mention that in four months, i have yet to experience a hiccup with my SDSL.
<kaufman> flatulence, on the other hand ...
<CrazyClimber> well, i am the designated old fart.
* Agent_Orange tags off to CC
<CrazyClimber> put those tags back on. we need to be able to identify you if that's all that remains.
<Agent_Orange> those tags saved me by stopping Ben's bullet


<hockwork> orange: what do you do?
<Agent_Orange> Hock: Production manager/ art director for a weekly newspaper
<Leth> you misspelled weakly
<Agent_Orange> no, I misspelled "eat me"


<Raven> Is it still Passover?
<Kyol> Is Jesus still dead?
<Morwen> No Kyol, thats what Easter was all about.
<Kyol> Ah. So let me see. He gets nailed to a tree on Good Friday, spends a few days in a cave, comes out on Easter.. _Then_ what?
<hockwork> if he sees his shadow, its another 6 weeks of winter


<agent_orange> four legs good! two legs baaaaaad!
<Leth> Napoleon! er, I mean, Agt!
*** agent_orange is now known as Squealer
<Squealer> deutschland, deutschland, uber oink!
<Agent_Orange> no animal shall /kick another animal *without good cause!*


<Agent_Orange> We now rejoin "Sorry I Asked," already in progress.
<SeanQ> damn, i thought I was watching "What Am I Still Doing Here?"
* SeanQ lunges for the remote


<Agent_Orange> [snif]
<Agent_Orange> now my feelings are hurt
<Agent_Orange> you bugfuckers
<SeanQ> you ever try getting hteir little legs apart?
<Leth> oh please....like I could even /fit/ into a Volkswagon


<Agent_Orange> man, netscape crashes whenever I try to load Parade Kid's page
<Agent_Orange> and I SO want the bunny outfit pic as a wallpaper
<Samwise> That's an impressive feature.
<Agent_Orange> ( -ERROR 9823v: You really don't need to see that)


<StanXhiao> Sean: You going to oterville?
<StanXhiao> Hooterville
<CrazyClimber> oterville: Hooterville without the Ho
<Leth> without the Ho, tho, why go?
<CrazyClimber> dunno.


* Agent_Orange waves his privates
* hockwork hands out some Heinies
* Samwise flaunts his sergeant


<TomFish> the weather outside is suck-ee
<TomFish> but the girls inside want to fuck me
<TomFish> since there's no place to go
<TomFish> call me joe, call me joe, call me joe
* TomFish has decided to "work" from home today


<jacquilyn> The theatre is on King St. hock. queen st is the clubbing district.
<SeanQ> i thought the clubbing district was Seal St
<hockeyfag> queen street is full of gay bars.. and the old pro hockey arena was near there.. coincidence? I think not ;)
* kaufman fires a warning shot across sean's bow


<spinn> and then the last news item was something like, "how bizarre is this? the president of mexico will get a bench to stand on to debate his opponent, becaus he's 5'8", and his opponent is 6'6" "
<spinn> it's, uh. actually not that bizarre.
<SeanQ> spinn: maybe they should make the opponent stadn in a ditch
<Kyol> ...with running water in it.
<hockeyfag> while holding a hair dryer


<SeanQ> he's more confortable with you making sport of the suffering and slaughter of 4 million Jews, than he is with the thought that his daughter likes to munch rug
<Leth> yeah, basically
* SeanQ has a very hard time understanding that mindset
<Leth> I liek to call it "Republicanism"


<Samwise> The best action figure in history was a he-man...Stinkor, the figure that smells...funny.
* Mr-Ben owned Stinkor.
<TMR> And Skeletor's homosexual cousin, Scrotor.
<Samwise> Suure, run, just because you have a *skull*
<TMR> You dinks, you crushed my nads!


<jacquilyn> Weird shit happens at IBM. It's an absolute cult thing.
<jacquilyn> Half the people on my floor are children of previous IBMers. There's a mini-van in the parking lot with the plates "IBM MOM"
<jacquilyn> I keep waiting for the special koolaid.
<TMR> It's like Scientology, only useful?
<jacquilyn> Well, how about, it's like Scientology, only they pay me?
<TMR> That'd work.


<jacquilyn> Eh. Being kicked out of the lab.
<jacquilyn> cya.
<Agent_Orange> wear pants next time
<Agent_Orange> they like that
<Leth> agt: but the sign only reads "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service." Pants aren't ever mentioned
<Agent_Orange> leth: I've tried that argument many times
<Agent_Orange> and it *usually* ends in bitter disappointment


<Morwen> I don't care, we'll get yelled at....can we post a notice or is it fucking broke? (Would just like ONE fucking answer from someone today.)
<mdxiKitchen> mor: it's broken
<mdxiKitchen> happy to help
<Raven> Yeah, we're pretty sure it's broken.
* Morwen kicks everyone and goes out for a smoke.
<mdxiKitchen> your #spinnwebe Consulting invoice should arrive in a few days. Please pay promptly. Or else.


<agt_orang> "Shot Peener Technologist Certification Program"
<agt_orang> screw that MS certification!
<mdxi> Get your SPTC and earn up to 60% more!
<agt_orang> I'm gonna be a peener professional!
<KemloCaes> No, for that you need a screwdriver.


<TomFish> Time of your Life? Shelved? Jennifer Love Hewitt, Nooooooooooo!
<Mr-Ben> Yeah, Tom, now you can't see her show her midriff off on TV for at least a few weeks....
<Kyol1> TF: Say it isn't _so_! I'll miss those knockers.
<agt_orang> there, there. her breasts will be on display somewhere else very soon...


<SeanQ> ken: i had a guy email me asking if I had any JFK plates for sale
<SeanQ> here's what i actually wrote back:
<SeanQ> Huh. I don't know what it was in my listings that made you think I'd have JFK family plates, but as it turns out I do have one. Unfortunately it's not for sale... the dog eats off it, and I'd hate to get him all upset.
<SeanQ> Thanks for your inquiry, though.
<agt_orang> sure, pal sure (grab marker and chinet pack)


<TomtheFish> aw, that wasn't as fun as anticipated
<Agent_Orange> nothing is, tom. nothing is.


<Agent_Orange> I've been idle all damn day
<Agent_Orange> and you know what the say about idle hams
<Leth> They are the Devil's Easter dinner?


<KemloCaesar> Tom - what do you dislike about Howarth?
<agent_orange> the itchy feeling it imparts to his daddy parts
<agent_orange> oh, wait, you said Howarth
<agent_orange> never mind


<mdxi> "Here's this week's long distance dedication. It's from a little old lady maned Maude in Bumfuck, Ohio. She writes: "Dear Casey, You're one great big hunk of middle-eastern man. Could you please play 'Autobahn' for me, then taks dirty to me in your 'Shaggy' voice..."


<SeanQ> ijinxies
<SeanQ> bah!
* SeanQ takes the bandsaw to his fingers and resolves to start over with one of those Christopher Reeve keyboards and a straw
<CrazyClimber> *** SeanQ is now known as Stephen_Hawking
<SeanQ> *** SeanQ is now known as King_Gimp
* SeanQ becomes so happy he falls out of his chair


* Elkman pours soup into the keyboard
*** Signoff: kaufman (Connection reset by peer)
<Elkman> Wow. I knocked him off by pouring soup into MY keyboard?
<Kyol> Welcome to the weird wild power of the internet.
<Kyol> soup people from hundres of miles away.


<Agent_Orange> I could use a new computer.
<Agent_Orange> and a new job.
<Agent_Orange> and a small arab boy for errends and ... things
<tieboy> And a baby
<Agent_Orange> baby has been ordered
<kaufman> and your BAAAAHHHHHHHHHD
<Agent_Orange> I hope they don't rend a repackaged beta baby like MS does
<Elkman> And a litle Dutch boy for other"things".
<Leth> Elkman: whirrrrwhirrrrrrr


<zompist> if you *are* using ircle, you should also feel ashamed for not defining a face file.
<CrzyClmbr> oh, i feel ashamed about a lot of things, zomp, but that's for another time.
<zompist> well, that's the great thing about shame. you can always get more.
<CrzyClmbr> having been catholic, i know where the well is.


<TMR> It's still a shame that there's no <head> hat.
<TomFish> or <table> placemat
<kaufman> or the <font> diaper
<TMR> Maybe some "uid 0: root" boxer shorts.
<TMR> That'd be <font color: 336633>
* kaufman was thinking more "my ass has powers: <font>"


<K> I guess they cut off their balls too when they cut their hair. Sheesh.
<E> Heh. Metallica's good these days if you only want to hear sounds in the key of E.
<K> Yeah, ever since Black Album they've been doing songs in E like it was a bodily function.
<E> Of course, the cover of Load was a bodily function too.


<Kyol> "Ok. Our DNS servers are, if you have a pencil and paper ready, 1, I repeat _1_, followed by a 6, that's _6_ and then a 9. That's niiiiine."
<Kyol> "Then a period. That's a little dot. Then 2. After which comes a big zero. And then there's a seven. And yet another period."
<Kyol> "We're in to the home stretch now, you still with me? Ok. There's a one and another period. That's right, only ONE digit this time, and it's a 1. After that last period, you have a three. Do you have that down, sir?"


<tie> I don't get it. Nothing's blinking or flashing, no MIDI is playing...
<tie> Why hasn't Geocities kicked you out?
<Agent_Orange> that violates about eleventy geocities egulations
<spinn> yeah, GeoCities Terms of Use: 6. General Shittiness of Content
<Leth> where's the embedded MIDI? The java-powered reflecting pool? the animated gofs? You're a pretty piss-poor Geocities subscriber, Kemlo
<Agent_Orange> where's the mail slot with the mail coming out its ass?


<mdxi> are you insinuating that i make the baby jesus cry?
<Samwise> mdxi: daily.
<Elkman> What else do you do with all the pr0n?
<KemloCaesar> Every day, you just insinuate, insinuate, insinuate.
<SeanQs_Brane_Hurts> muttergrumblecurse
<zompist> oh, we make flat-out accusations, too, kemlo.
<mdxi> we print the porn out on virgin, heavy bond paper and make compost out of it, 'cause we're really into environmentalism.


<Elkman> I'm completely lost here.
<Agent_Orange> just head out where the old johnson place used to be
<Agent_Orange> and take a left where they're thinking of biulding that jiffy lube
<Agent_Orange> can't miss it


<Elkman> I'm completely lost here.
<Kyol> That's OK, so am I.
<Agent_Orange> Elk, Kyol: you get used to it after awhile. take it from me.
<Agent_Orange> I kinda like the cottony, swirly feeling that serious confusion brings
<Elkman> As opposed to the bristling, grating feeling of frustration from spending 2 1/2 hours on a fucking program that doesn't work?
<Kyol> Uhh, yeah. That.


<Morwen> Well hey, is it so wrong to want to feel pampered?
<Leth> if you're talking about diapers, yes
<wabewalkr> Depends if you want extra absorbant or not.
* Morwen decides she really has to start watching what she says in here.
<Elkman> If you don't want a smart-aleck response, don't provide a straight line.
* Morwen wants to be pampered with lots of huggies.


<Samwise> I get an image of a Mel Torme impersonator, bareassed, doing scat
<agent_orange> good
<agent_orange> you hold onto that


<Kyol> OOh, a red letter day in the old diary, not one but _two_ applications for platinum visas came in the mail.
<Elkman> But isn't titanium better now?
<Kyol> Yeah.
* Raven is holding out for uranium visas.
<Elkman> I'd like a helium Visa. The rate just keeps rising.
<CrazyClimber> An oxygen Visa would give me some breathing room.


<Leth> dammit, I asked for docs for this server they want me to test, and they send me a 19M pdf file, all in Finnish
<spinn> Der Scripten fur Toosten de Soorvor


<Lots42> I wish I knew how to do the * thang
<Leth> Lots42: type /me at the start of the line
* Leth does it like this
<Leth> shut up, all of you


<agent_orange> the weather sure is smething
<Lots42> I hate when it's smething. I get all sweaty and my joints hurt.
<agent_orange> tonight: smething. followed by flthy tves anround midnight


<Raven> I really, REALLY should go eat lunch or something...
<zompist> rave, we hereby authorize you to go and eat.
<zompist> bring us back some j.d., wouldja?
<Raven> zomp, I'm just kinda lukewarm about eating since my nose is still stuffed up from my flu.
<kaufman> *** Raven is now known as RavenMetabolizing
<zompist> rave, you doofusette, you don't put the food in THERE


*** CCsGetting6MonthEvaled is now known as CrazyClimber
<Elkman> Looks better than "CCsLookingForWork".
<zompist> or CCGotReamedAboutIrcing


<zompist> also, the copyright expires in 2070 or so... be patient.
* CrzyClmbr will be 112 that year.
* TomFish will be 100
<CrzyClmbr> With luck, we'll have a large-print version.
<TomFish> The local paper will do a story on me and the reporter will ask "how's it feel to be 100" and I'll say "i feel like trippin my etc."


<TomFish> whatever it is i think i see
<TomFish> becomes a log of fag to me
<K-Man^> My bologna has a first name, it's U-N-C-L-E...
<K-Man^> My bologna has a second name it's R-O-Y, whee hee.


<Leth> When I was with MediaOne I used to get calls from people trying to reach customer service, and I got an earful from someone about carrying PPV boxing that had a woman boxer
<Leth> "How can you show such a thing in an age with so much violance against women?"
<Leth> She misspelled violence in her speech, too
<Lots42> Leth, I hope you went right out and changed the entire boxing industry for the customer
<Leth> oh, absolutely. First, though, I hung up on her


<maime> I'm wearing a t-shirt and underwear now.
<maime> and they're BLACK
<CrzyClmbr> ok, anyone /not/ wearing underwear now?
<Leth^> well.....


<zompist> it's no worse than freud declaring that gardens are vaginas.
<TomFish> you've never been in my garden
<zompist> nor in your... er... no, i haven't.


<theguy> I was driving around with my dad in our van, and we skidded off the highway, spun around and right into oncoming traffic, and stopped on the other side, facing the other way...it was real scary.
<CrzyLunch> they call those "u-turns" here, guy
<CrzyLunch> just how it's done.
<theguy> Dukes Of Hazzard style u-turn.
<TomFish> in boston, that's considered defensive driving
<theguy> It would be called a u-turn...if we had any control of the car at the time...instead of careening off to our deaths towards a Bronco.


<Leth> well, it's just /ok/ here... Weather: light rain
<Leth> Precipitation last hour: A trace
<Leth> Temperature: 60 F (16 C)
<Leth> Dew Point: 57 F (14 C)
<Leth> Relative Humidity: 87%
<tieboy> Typing the Weather in a Chat Room: Priceless
<Agent_Orange> That's all the time we have on Sorry I Asked! Please join us again next week!


<CrzyClmbr> lunch probably pales compared to the pumpkin bread.
<CrzyClmbr> but if you aren't going to eat it, he said helpfully...
<Raven> I would bake a lot more if I could fax it to people. :)
<Raven> Or DCC it.


<mdxi> heh. hehehe. hehehehe. i'm sitting in the coffee shop here at school, with my laptop jacked into the wall, listening to MP3s, answering email and talking to you guys.
<mdxi> i think i may have a geekgasm
<Kyol> Not in _this_ channel you won't, hombre.


<Elkman> Here's a good one: "Motorola invests in virtual tissue bank company", according to Yahoo.
<SeanQ> eGraft
<Elkman> Like what? Kleenex and Puffs?
<Kyol> eHankies.
<SeanQ> for when your computer has a nasty virus


<Samwise> I hate titmice.
<hr_lunchnsmoke> cheese in the cleavage will get rid of those


<Agent_Orange> The voluminous Quote archives, tended by capuchin monks, bound in human flesh
<Agent_Orange> or on thee 5.25" floppies, whichever.


<agent_orange> I hope the nori becomes popular among stupid teenagers, so we can see headlines about "Growing numbers of Nori-related deaths"


<Elkman> This channel sounds like a 6-foot high pile of transistor radios, each one tuned to a different station.


<mdxi> Kublai Khan did in Xanadu / A stately pleasure dome decree / Cause he liked them freaky bitches / And had a 10" cock, you see


<MisterQ> If I had a nickel everytime someone damned me to hell...


<TMR> zompist, are you going to make the VW Microbus fertile?


<Kyol> Anyone want a lung cookie?


<kaufman> in the future, we will all be called Greg.


<spinn> some day you'll be able to participate in the groundbreaking humor that is rob and marge
<spinn> they make us laugh at ourselves and with ourselves, despite several debilitating viruses that gives them only four years to live


<TheEnigma> Lifetime always runs great movies with such titles as "When Vivian's Husband Got Brutally Violent With Her Using A Shovel: A Woman's Brave Struggle To Avenge Her Physical And Mental Scars"


<agent_orange> I am so tired, I am officially a *Road Hazard*
<agent_orange> I should strap two flares to my hood on te drive home


<spinn> what's a tsr-80?
<KemloCaesar> Comes with forty K of memory, and three eight-sided dice.


<agent_orange> Dell: "I value input form all my resources. If any of you resources have input, well, doubleplusgood for you!"


<Elkman> Let's see: Is sex better than Photoshop?
<Leth> 5.0, yes...5.5, I'm not sure


<agent_orange> I hate fucking crude fuckers.


<maime> I just want to warn you that amy grant singing christmas songs is enough to push me over the edge to a killing spree.


<SeanQ> damnit, i go away for 15 minutes and a conversation breaks out


<StanXhiao> I've found that patches help me reduce my urges
<agtorange> oh hell. Stan: Didn't know they made butter-rum covered 12-year old girl patches.


<Leth> What's PEBCAK?
<spinn> problem exist between fuck off mister


<agt_orang> WooHOO! Got my first Kragenmail!
<agt_orang> He's the *dreamiest*


<StanXhiao> The missing "C" in Rebeca is for "Context."
<StanXhiao> Or Clitoris, I forget which.


<agt_orang> Try new Alleve Orgasm Tabs: keeps working for twelve hours!


<spinn> you know, I find I have less patience with people who capitalize perfectly.


<Agt^orang> never, ever, ever, piss off the mis guy.


<spinn> it's tough to find a non-camera-looking camera
<agtorange> I dunno spinn--there ain't much you want to point at strangers on the street that doesn't look /exactly/ like a camera


<mdxi> "Land of Waffle Houses"...kauf's coming to georgia?


<spinn> like there's any single fucking thing you could say about the millenium
<spinn> in 998, pundits said the millenium would be an age of not getting so much shit on your fingers when you wiped your ass with leaves


<StanXhiao> at least they had the sense to strip out <meta generator "WebKidz Naughty HTML Editor Pre-K Edition" from the code
<spinn> <meta generator="Dr. Dee's Phat Dope HTML Wack Muncher. Peace!">


<sol-D> I'd heard that brent spiner had an album out, but I hadn't comprehended the full, horrible scope of it until now
<Furr> You mean "Ol' Yellow Eyes Is Back"? :)


<TomFish> oh man, I am the source of yucky brown phlegm


<zompist> bob: no, it's my wife who needs to switch-- her uic account is expiring.
<StanXhiao> what's that? Biological clock?


<CrzyClmbr> coffee's been very unpopular today because our washrooms aren't working.
<CrzyClmbr> unless you count "raining water down on us from above" to be "working."


<tieboy> what is a "git" exactly. I know it's British insult, but what's it mean
<Samwise> tie: "git" n. someone who has to ask what a git is.


<spinn> I'm gonna be much happier when I can get back to the point where I can determine which lumpy bits in my mouth are me.


<mdxi> just got the new Mac Addict. "Build The Perfect Website In Just One Day!" screams the cover.
<mdxi> damn. if only i had waited...


<Elkman> They should pass out temporary Chocolate Oscars instead of making the poor folks at the factory work overtime.
<SeanQ> they can get Easter bunnies at the local Walgreens and have an intern break off the ears


<zompist> vaguely horked? wasn't that a '80s new age band?


<mdxi> premature spooging is no laughing matter! ask bob dole or some other dude on those weiner drug commercials


<TomtheFish> they asked how many weeks i worked last year in the census. i wrote in "99"
<TomtheFish> and under job description i wrote "eat food"


<Kyol> Ok, instead of dew, I got orange juice. And cheese and PB crackers. Mmm, food which is orange.
<Kyol> Y'know.. (munch, munch) All food should come in day-glo colors.


<TomFish> Short yellow dress. And the 'tude she shows after reading from the good book of whoop ass. Need I say more?


<TomtheFish> what on earth is "subgum?"
<TMR> It holds the samoflange wher it is.


<spinn> I paid a lot of money for a guy to hurt me yesterday. and not in a good way.


* Da_Raven does the LastDayOfWork dance.
<mdxi> we used to do the "Dance of Joy" and "Dance of Sorrow" while installing new video games. this was back when they came on 35 floppies and each one took 25 minutes to decompress and install itself


<Raven> Man, greg's response to the black humor thread almost made me hurt myself laughing.
<Raven> "Despite the fact that Marge recently found a lump in her left breast that is only slightly smaller than the total volume of the breast itself, and the prostate cancer has distended Rob's anus until it looks like a small toy football is protruding from his butt, and makes it impossible to sit without the aid of a blow-up donut thing--and even then it's quite painful--I know they'll be able to bring a giggle and a chuckle to our Webbe friends everywhere!"


<Leth^> "She was just /asking/ to be stalked. The way she walked, the way she dressed, the way she telepathically told me so..."


<agent_orange> I bet if *I* were female and cute, people would hook up dry-cell batteries to *my* genetalia too. hmmf.


<maime> OH... I found a interestingly pathetic personal site.
<Leth> hey now, I like shil's site


<hockwork> remember, we're not laughing at you.. we're laughing with others at you


<LJ-atwork> rave: what is mget? is it a windows compatible program?
<agent_orange> its like a dwrf, but better proportioned


<zompist> this is how the computers will control us when they finally learn pattern matching.
<zompist> "we will forever resist the computer overlords! ...ooh, porn!"


<TMR> Rap Musk?
<TMR> Does it smell like sweat, crack smoke and money?


<jacquilynne> All in all, it's been a pretty kick ass morning.
<jacquilynne> And kick ass mornings have mornings that kick your ass beat all to hell.


<Samwise> Emilie, my friend, says "You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends under the couch."
* CrzyClmbr writes note to self: "Don't go to Emilie's for dinner."


* Raven skims the palmcentral site. Hey, Stations of the Cross for your Pilot. I can't tell you how many times I've been in the middle of traffic and needed the Stations of the Cross at my fingertips....


<jacquilyn> So I guess I'll have to go back to typing my commands into the proper window.
<mdxi> rm -rf media/pr0n/german/poopenmunchen


<Kyol> Cisco 7xx series. Cisco sez "Fuck you!" to the world.
<Agent_Orange> Cisco: who the fuck cares where you want to go today?


<SeanQ> CC, try Phagaway
<SeanQ> by the makers of HomoLone and FrootScoot


<agent_orange> I do not use euphemism. If I mean to say that I'll be grasping my penis and rubbing it vigorously in order to come to orgasm, then by god, that's what I'll say.


<mdxi> i had been having a nice pleasant day but now i'm all full of righteous hatred.
<mdxi> wish there was something around here i could cleanse with flame


<Lots42> Hook Steve Case up to a guillotine and wire it to an AOL connection with someone doing normal AOL things. As long as AOL doesn't boot the guy off, the blade stays up.
<Lots42> "You Connection To AOL Has Been Lost"...... *shunk*!


* Tonto puts his ear to ground
<Tonto> big split coming. three, maybe four minutes. many horses. Fuck this kemosabe, yer on yer own


<StanXhiao> This was before people started calling the natives "yoopers." Back then, we called them "frightening inbred farmers."


<SeanQ> we now join "As If I Give a Fuck", already in progress


<tie> I'd be in a good mood, if it weren't for the bone-wrenching feeling of despair


<TMR> 53) But even thus, the children of the Wombat did gather piles of faggots for the fire, but lo, when they were lit the faggots cried "Ooooo, that hurts, you bitch!"


<mdxi> life is kind of hollow with no HELLO PLEASE! to brighten your day


<TomtheFish> i made a lousy punk as a youth
<TomtheFish> but a good cassarole


<zompist> gary cooper IS gachukarinaragchaq in "high nunavut"!


<CrzyClmbr> i memorize the strangest things. i need to look up my mother's number.
<Leth^> better than her dress, I suppose


* Elkman kicks E*Trade thoroughly in the shins
<tieboy> that'll be $8


* mdxi plays word association with himself
<KemloCaesar> If you keep doing that, you'll go dyslexic.


<mdxi> off to get some chinese for dinner
<zompist> mmm, chinesilingus


<Lots42> Borg on dope: Resistance is futile. You will be.. hee hee hee hee...be hah aha haahaha.


* Elkman checks his reference from a while ago, and realizes that nobody knows where Burnsville and White Bear Lake are.
<TomtheFish> you misspelled "cares"


<rJak> Uh guys. Shil's still smoking.
<zompist> add more lighter fluid, rjak.


<Agent_Orange> age/sex/weather?
<LJ-atwork> before beauty/before marriage/before travelling


<SeanQ> the tax assessor came to my house today
<tieboy> did he make an ass out of e and ssor?


<CrazyClimber> why are we arguing about snnkkkkts when the sun's about to go supernova, dammit!


<Leth> #SW Safety Tip #28721: When on a conference call with marketing people who love to hear the sound of their own voice, press the 'MUTE' button on your phone before opening yopyop.gif


<SeanQ> *sigh* some days I hate my job
<Samwise> Other days, you feel pretty.


<jacquilyn> I don't see that you've made use of the very cool blink tag at all. Why not?
<mdxi> i haven't gotten to that page in HTML For Total Fuckwits yet


<zompist> i think waffles caused the columbine shootings.


<TomtheFish> bob, if you don't stop that, i'm going to drive to chicago and club you to death with leth


<TomFish> anyone know where i can get some good skins?
<Leth^> Nazi Surplus stores


<agtorang> contact our customer satisfaction dept: mahmood el-khalafi, 24 el pahara st, Alexandria, egypt
<agtorang> mahmood does no peak english, but this ha not lessened his committment to customer satisfaction.


<tielunch> I wonder how many students are expelled from Beaver each year.
<Thosw> s/students/ping-pong balls


<maime> rebeca is on tv now?
<maime> no wonder I hate television.


<agtorang> damn, windows takes slow screenshot. Must be using a pinhole camera...


<agt_orang> Shil's hairdo is *so* 13:22:45...


<zompist> nightmares: 1) coming in last on the sexiest spinnoff poll. 2) kemlo winning. 3) the swimsuit round.


<CrzyClmbr> The use of my palm is reserved.


<agt_orang> I'm afraid to have sim people. afraid of what might do to them. afraid... for my soul.


<zompist> everyone is simply in love with that pancreas.


<zompist> revenge is a dish best served al fresco, with a wicked little tarragon and mango vinegar sauce.


<mdxi> someone should write a beca column generator..."Last [night|weekend|week|month] I was at a [party|rave|football game|board meeting|BDSM party] where I spoke to the [CIO|CEO|CFO|janitor] of the hot new [.com|biotech|infomanagement] company [Ai|Ly|Ae|Ta|Va|Mi][li|gle|tech|ma|sa|gen|bo][gen|net|com|tech|ent]..."


<Samwise> "I always wanted to hear Oscar - the grouch - pop out of the trashcan and go, 'MOtherFUCKer!' "


<agt_orang> I was gonna have a mardi gras gtg, but I got worried that The Dodge might actually show, and I don't carry that kind of insurance...


<agt_orang> why is it that the defectves can board a bus with 59 open seats, make their way to the back and plop down next to me, babbling through the harelip all the while?


<tieboy> Leth! We were just talking about you. And by talking, I mean "looking at your spiderman bestiality picture".


<zompist> "Ye' build an entire supermarket, and do they call ye' Shawn the Supermarket Builder? Nay. But ye' fook one goat..."


<jacquilyn> To the best of my knowledge, there is not a circuit city anywhere in my country. But I could be wrong about that.
<zompist> it must be awfully frustrating to watch those commercials where a giant plug lands in a mall, and *not be able to go there*.


<Bryan> Next to the empty containers of Buttery-Flavored and Strawberry. The sad, lonely, all too full boysenberry syrup container


<Lore> The ad at the beginning telling you that popcorn is available at -- surprise surprise -- the concession stand is smarter than the people at this movie.


<Zaph> Has anyone else noticed that Christopher Reeve is making the transition from human being to icon?
<StanXhiao> spineless bastard


<TomFish> what is the dif between pentium and celeron?
<spinn> pentium is by intel, and the celeron makes your panties fall down


<spinn> I was like, um
<spinn> I think the life cycle of the peruvian fire ant takes up more cpu time in my head


<spinn> it must be nice, to be able to sense demonic forces and stuff


<LFSJoberg> Osh Kosh B'God
<LFSJoberg> Clothes for blasphemous youngsters.


<Elkman> Would I get in trouble for signing a Guestworld guestbook as "Vulvasaur"?


<mdxi> the urban legend is: if you look into a mirror in a dark room and say "Mary Poppins" 5 times, tom carder will come through the mirror and violate you with a hotel bible.


<tieMAN> maime says hi via e-mail from her job
<K-Man^> Tell her via e-mail that I said "hi" via IRC via my computer via my home


* CrazyClimber looks to leth for backup here
* Elkman saves CrazyClimber to a DLT8000 tape


<kaufman> asking #spinnwebe if they want a second-hand Nori is like asking a school of sharks if they want some used cow parts


<Babich> Kyol: sorry, but that wasnt AL Green ...it was ai green. an artificially intelligent techno agent that gained sentiency on march 5 2006 and in a desperate act of fear its creators tried to pull the plug so it fronted them some big fat beats


<CrazyClimber> i didn't know the post office still sold stamps you had to lick.
<raven> you don't have to, but they really enjoy it.


<Lots42> so what is the current sports season? Basketball? Football? Rioting?


<DanielMLaenker> I feel honored and denuded at the same time.
* CrazyClimber reminds dan that he should pin the ribbon on while he's wearing a shirt


<Babich> How come there arent any good jokes about Jonestown.....
<Babich> Punch lines too long


<zompist> lots, did you read that as "spooge"?
<CrazyClimber> that's my favorite dickens story, zomp


<DMLaenker> The difference between the connection at home and at the library is like the difference between driving a jeep and beating a small chihuahua


<zompist> total deniability, that's the secret to successful #sw comedy.


<Leth> hm...when I get my new office, I'm going to really have to come up with a good way to display the PdC collection. I wonder if Sean has a little display rack or something
<Samwise> The "We Don't Know *What* We Were Thinking" display case, for your recalled PdC products.


<spinn> I say star wars VIII should be about the crumbling empire sending a deep-space probe out into space, and it lands on earth, and they have all sorts of wacky misadventures in manhattan


<ristoril> my phone says, among other things, 'this telephone is subject to monitoring at all times. use of this telephone constitutes consent to monitoring"
<kaufman> Leth can help -- during flood season, his phone is subject to merrimacking.


<Samwise> Hrmph. So much for our reign of ops.
<TomFish> it rained ops for 40 days and 40 nights


<jacquilyn> I plan to be married on a beach somewhere. No guests. Just witnesses and some sort of minister of some religion that endorses drugs as a way to achieve enlightenment. Not that I plan to take drugs, I just want a nice relaxed officiant.


<zompist> i think telemarketing must be in the top five of sucky jobs.
<spinn> yeah. Telemarketer, and the other four jobs dan will be doing


<spinn> I want a country covered in Fun-Fome(TM) so we can finally protect the children!


<zompist> stan, is this you, or joe playing a cruel trick on us?
<Leth> I'm hurt...offended....and a lil flattered


<zompist> meatloaf may be really big, ripper, but it's customary to use singular pronouns to refer to him...


<agtorange> oh, boy. the "offical" carrot top message board.
<agtorange> finally. I was getting pretty peeved at all those ersatz carrot top boards


<CrzyClmbr> According to a new study, people who have dogs spend less time having a social life.
<jacquilyn> Unless they also have peanut butter - in which case their dogs are their social life.


<Kyol> Man. This is summer? Christ.
<zompist> long new year's eve hangover, kyol?


<Leth> ok, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but it just plain feels weird to see quotes that haven't scrolled off my IRC window yet on the page
* CrazyClimber stares at the quotes page, wondering what he's going to say next


<TMR> If my Prussian ancestry has taught me any-thing, it is that great civilizations are forged of blood and iron and steel and guts and glory and hate and excited stabbings and Viking warships ramming one another and babies impaled on pikes and women running around hysterically with their bodices torn so as to reveal their pendulous breasts.


<Lots42> My store is the equivalent of the old lady down the road. Been there forever, and the stuff inside is out of date and scary.


<Leth> me + perl + free time = nothing but trouble


<mdxi> well, now that i've been made a target of violence, i'm leaving.


<Elkman> Boss is out.
<agtorange> hit him that hard?


<agt_orang> ADD&D: "Then you come around a corner and there's a red dragon and hey look star trek three is on tv that's the one where spock what? oh yeah okay his breath is +9 look there's a new spiderman comic..."


<Leth> Admit it, Benny And The JEts makes /everyone/ want to draw crayon pictures of dragons and heavily endowed elf women
<agt_orang> "Tiny Dancer" makes me want to put gerbils and my underwaer and dance the sarabande


<Da_Raven> "I agree, excellent work. I cannot help but imagine this as one of those black-light posters. It would probably sell quite well in that medium. I cannot think of a college dorm room (male) that would pass up on this one,"
<Da_Raven> Hey, that would be my goal - to be the next tacky velvet painting.
<Da_Raven> Or painted on mirrors to be won at carnivals by knocking over milk bottles.
<Leth> "My goal is to someday sell a lot of paintings at a gas station parking lot"


<TomFish> what's d&d?
<CrzyClmbr> domination and domination. gets kind of boring. "Obey /me/! No, /me/!"


<zompist> visit a web page with a blurry disembodied head floating over a waterfall... that'll give you some inspiration.
<agt_orang> If you look down and don't see god's footprints, he's carrying you... no, wait...
<TomFish> he's off smoking a fattie
<zompist> just close your eyes and take a deep breath of god's bosom.
<Samwise> Hehehhe Smells Like Holy Spirit


<agt_orang> landover baptist still makes my jaw drop... "Home for slutty girls to hold baby auction"
<agt_orang> they make great gifts! mixed race half-price
<Samwise> Answer our bonus question to Double Your Orphans!


<TomFish> Seattle police fired rubber bullets and tear gas to disperse a crowd
<SeanQ> I bet the Seattle PD was just itching for a chance to use their rubber bullets and tear gas
<SeanQ> they probably petitioned the mayor, "Go after the WTO meetings, these cannisters are about to expire."
<TomFish> police - 10; whiny liberals who don't even understand what they're protesting - 9


<zompist> there once was a state named connecticut / whose spelling was totally fucticut... never mind.


* Leth^ tells the wimminfolk to run from the Canadians
<zompist> i bet that sentence has never before been uttered... "run from the canadians!"


<SeanQ> people insist on fucking with Conecticut
<CrzyClmbr> state motto: "There's a silent letter somewhere"
<TomFish> state motto: "We can kick Rhode Island's ass."
<SeanQ> "Where New Yorkers Come to Sit in Traffic!"
<Samwise> state motto: "Two, actually, if you only pronounce one 'n'. "


<zompist> heh... i miss stan xhiao... he had a way with the word "pizzle".


<agt_orang> "Send respones to me...and then you can see /your/ name on the web too!"
<spinn> well see
<spinn> because to her, that's extremely important
<agt_orang> Dear Beca: Fuck you. Love, agtorange
<spinn> that's all the reward required
<agt_orang> here, charming native person, a shiny trinket!


<StanXhiao> "I don't /know/ who the father is, I don't have eyes in the back of my head, you know!"


<Elkman> It's better than selling something else in school.
<TomFish> my body?
<Elkman> I was thinking of her body, but yeah, selling someone else's body is a faux pas.


<agt_orang> me, I just want one of those long sticks with the pointy end that they use to pick up trash in the park
<agt_orang> and everytime some freelance art director walks in here and looks over my shoulder,
<agt_orang> i poke 'em in the eye
<agt_orang> "You know whta would look good on that cover? A santa hat!" [poke] "Aieeee! My other eye!"


<spinn_> I'm his sidekick, Timeslip Boy
<spinn_> with the ability to be in two timezones at once
<spinn_> oh, I just got back the 610 second ping from spinnbot on that connection
<kaufman> fuck, in the pool I had 597


<StanXhiao> used to live in the tony suburbs of Milwaukee
<agt_orang> milwaukee has tony suburbs? what, they use coasters and shit?


<agt_orang> "Cletus! Get off the damn phone! I wanna get on that internet!"
<LJ-atwork> my car looks like a frosted mini wheat
<agt_orang> I like ducks


<spinn_> and I don't write at the bottom, "this was written by spinn. enjoy the buffet and tip your waitress"


<SeanQ> i'm gonna forget I'm dl'ing this music, and it's just gonna blare out of my speakers and scare the fuck out of me
<zompist> it's nasty to have to wander around without any fuck in you.
<Samwise> And there you'll be, chasing your scared fuck out of the office...


<Leth^> heya Boy
<TheBoy> hey hey
<Leth^> man, I feel like a Deep South cracker when I say that
<Leth^> "Heya Boy, go pick me some cotton"
<TheBoy> "yessuh"
<Leth^> "and keep away from the white wimmin"


<heretical> no, i never posted. when i was 17 the web consisted of about 10 sites and mosaic was still considered an artform using tiles
<Leth^> ah, like Geocities backgrounds


<heretical> yes. geocities destroyed the dream of a brave new future of netizens
<heretical> i saw what happens when you give everyone an opportunity to publish
<Leth^> well, every society needs a special ed class


<StanXhiao> "feel the pull"....now /there's/ something furplay can speak of with authority
<StanXhiao> fluffing the foamy
<Leth^> preening the pet
<StanXhiao> whipping the egg whites 'til they're stiff and peaky
<StanXhiao> currying the penile pony


<agt_orang> "Stay clear of bulls during rutting season"
<agt_orang> damn good advice.
<agt_orang> As my Dear Pappy said, "Son, never put your pecker into anything you can't get it out of."
<K_Man> I just might give that advice to my son on his wedding day.
<K_Man> Along with "If you ever go back in time, don't step on anything!"
* CrzyClmbr unwraps the vacuum cleaner he was giving agt for his birthday


<TomFish> well, you missed out on all the pederast, violence and pie
<CrzyClmbr> well, i'm sure there'll be more.
<TomFish> nope, I ate all the pederast pie


<CrzyClmbr> dirt snake, bbiaf
<CrzyClmbr> back!
<agt_orang> ten pounds lighter?
<TomFish> honk-1 dirtsnake-0
* agt_orang gets on the paging system at work: "If anyone needs me for the next 20 minutes, I'll be in the can on the second floor."


<Da_Raven> They like to "breathe" - I like how that's in quotes.
<Elkman> Actually, I can tell you that men like to breathe. My oxygen requirements are enormous.
<Da_Raven> "I have *enormous*....oxygen requirements..."
<Elkman> "He has feelings too; they just don't express it like we do. If you do happen to find someone who does, don't let him go!!"
<Elkman> "All subjects should agree with its verb."


<agt_orang> When I lived there, there was always a guy right outside the citybank building handing out biz cards with god's phone number on them.
<agt_orang> he was never home when I called.
<agt_orang> unless he had caller ID and was just blowing me off


<agt_orang> this is the irc equialent of ringing the doorbell and running, right?
<Elkman> And dumping a flaming bag of Roody Poo on the doorstep first.
<agt_orang> I bet /that/ house gets a year's supply of TP every halloween.


<SeanQ> we used to use the PIDOOMA method of data collection
<SeanQ> Pulled It Directly Out Of My Ass
<agt_orang> Back in my pre-press days, we used to tell people we used advanced TLAR color matching technology: That Look About Right


<DarthElk> "If you-sa think you-sa're too okiday for mee-sa, screw you-sa."


<TMR> I get along better with strangers than with my friends.
<TMR> Besides, they have the best candy.


<spinn> "saline solutions"?!
<CrzyClmbr> they make your eyes burn, instead of helping
<Da_Raven> "Saline Solutions : We Help Store Your Contacts"
<Leth^> "We'll host your site, AND sterilize your contact lenses!"


<TomFish> bbv? wussa v for?
<StanXhiao> Vampyre
* CrzyClmbr guessed virgin.
<CrzyClmbr> or maybe "vyrgyn."


<StanXhiao> Almost spinn-ish in its mockery
<CrzyClmbr> wish it was easier to read, though
<StanXhiao> helps to have nocturnal vision
<StanXhiao> did I just type "emissions"? I meant vision.


<CrzyClmbr> "We have a "Frequently Asked Questions" list with answers."
<CrzyClmbr> Always good that they're willing to go the extra mile.


<Leth> hmmm...no, not really spinn. You were quite a bit classier about it, and you didn't pile scam on top of scam like that
<CrzyClmbr> You weren't as manipulative.
<StanXhiao> You took pictures
<TomFish> you like pie


<spinn> buttfuck buttfuck :*
<spinn> lick anus lick anus :9
* dpk winks his brown eye >*<
<SeanQ> (_*_)
<StanXhiao> )*(


<SeanQ> there's my tenenti title: mail forwarder
<Leth> better than hf's, male forwarder
<SeanQ> male backwarder
<Leth> right...reversible title


<dpk> did somebody say T1?
<Leth^> yes, me. gimme
<CrzyClmbr> dpk:Pavlov::ruffiani:dogs


<SeanQ> you have a cat named ramadan? does he run away every february?
<agt_orang> no, he just eats like it's ramadan all year long: @18 lbs


<agt_orang> wheee. I just saw the phrase "marfan caps" and thought zomp was talking about drugs.
<Nyder> sounds like one of those candies one could years ago to me ... swedish berries, marshmallow brooms--and marfan caps...


<mdxi> who's gonna watch the Leonids tonight?
<zompist> tonight, on a very special leonids...
<DarthElk> The Leonids' parents don't think I'm a good babysitter, so I won't be watching.


<spinn> huh. just noticed I have one of those weird eyebrow hair growth spurt things. it's like twice the length of the others
<spinn> halfway down it goes white. like it didn't even have any time to make any color
<Leth> "Damn the pigment, we have to get this thing outa here!"


<mdxi> hard drive is grinding / six hundred twenty-nine megs / inodes marked vacant
<Leth> df -k / now that my pr0n is all gone / I have lots of space
<Elkman> got to find some pr0n / naked women fill my drive / and my hard disk too
<kaufman> autumn chill arrives / leaves fall off all of the trees // as does all my pr0n


<agtorange> Bizzy trolling the archives for Rave... forgot how much fun the DFC was... (sigh)
<zompist> and now your life is a sordid exercise in misery, punctuated only by fits of rage, suicidal rants, and pictionary?
<agtorange> whatta you mean, "now"?


<Elkman> The Force was so offenda when Onan spilla his seed upon the
<Elkman> ground that The Force struck Onan dead!
<Elkman> Wee-sa teach our Jawas that The Force do not
<Elkman> give us genitals for entertainment.
<zompist> elk, thanks for that thought about jar jar's genitals...


<Photon> ken: I love it when you talk in that sexy phone lady voice
<kaufman> the person you are contacting: kay-eh-ewe-eff-em-eh-en: is not available. Please check your number and try again.


<TheEnigma> spinnbot, are you telling me that God walks around Heaven with his huge godlike genitalis flapping freely in the breeze?


<wabewalkr> Oh, we're talking about DFC, I see.
<agtorange> that, and Elk's resignation.
<agtorange> from work, I mean.
<agtorange> not about the futility of life in general
<DarthElk> Oh, I'm resigned from the futility of life in general.


<agt_orang> Garvey, H.R., S. Xhiao, D. Evil. /Sperm-Burping Guttersluts: Images of hypersexualized femininity and erotic destruction within the daily circle./ Criterion, vol. 89, 1998, pps 32-57.


<agt_orang> A safeword!
<agt_orang> victim: pease! stop! Spin: PERSIMMON! ruffianai: grrr. hiss. hiss.


<Da_Raven> Some kind of loose guidelines for launching and documenting attacks is probably a good idea, too.
<spinn> yeah, true, but I'm having trouble organizing the documenting part
<spinn> any ideas?
<agt_orang> (Raven and spinn both turn keys simultaneously)


<SeanQ> do youever get drunk with this power you wield?
<CrzyClmbr> Well, not when I'm driving.
<Da_Raven> Yeah, he has a Designated Wielder.


<Da_Raven> Headers, footers, a Jedi is attached not to these things.


* Elkman is seriously falling asleep... and caffeine isn't helping
<Leth^> try vice grips on the groin
<Leth^> er, that's what Sean suggested


<spinn> do not meddle in the affairs of roody, for he is stupid and quick to poetry.


<spinn> if getting high speed required cuttong off my left nut and putting it in a formaldehyde jar next to my computer, I'd consider it.
<spinn> like, if I gotta pull a tech by the throat and cram ten dollar bills down his throat until he passes out or agrees to install it, I'll consider it
<spinn> you know. like imagine if someone was jerking you off for two years and you hadn't gotten to orgasm yet
<spinn> that's me, for high speed access.


<Leth> heheh...one of Bell Atlantic's FAQ questions is "Will I be able to connect to AOL?"
<spinn> "A. No, fuck AOL."
<Leth> The answer should be "Yes, but if you do, jackbooted thugs will come over and beat the living shit out of you because you're a waste of humanity"
<Da_Raven> Sentenced to a savage beating for misappropriating an innocent high-speed access line.
<spinn> "yes, and we'll also be mailing you a small bag full of kool-aid which you must consume immediately."


<RJak> "dpknet: For those who have given up on life."


<dpk> there's nowhere near enough naked women on this feed.
<dpk> what good is realplayer if everyone's dressed?
<RJak> it blows your mind, doesn't it?
<dpk> oh, there we go. naked
<dpk> it was some guy in front of her the whole time


<CrzyClmbr> what's the singular of p'sketti?
<TMR> p'skettus.
<zompist> p'sketto.


*** Topic for #spinnwebe: LadyJ: I want a dick that tastes like dick.


<spinn> hell.
<spinn> that's gonna slow me down another two days probably
<spinn> GODDAMNIT
<spinn> PIPE NOW
<spinn> PIPE NOW


<mdxi> yeah really. who thinks that a styrofoam crucifix stuck in the ground next to a major highway is a fitting way to remember a loved one?
<CrzyClmbr> better to stick it in a cup of piss and make a statement about religion, ferchrissakes.
<spinn> well, see, if you put flowers near the crash site, that's where the angels are looking, so it does the best good
<SeanQ> "Hey, look, flowers..." [slams into bridge abuttment]


<StanXhiao> Anyone here ever use MySQL?
<eDpk> yep, mysql rox
<Elkman> Stan: No, I've never used your SQL.
* eDpk touches your SQL
* eDpk winks at you *;)*
<StanXhiao> Get a job, pal, and I'll think about it


<spinn> you know what
<spinn> law of guestbook consistency I
<spinn> no matter how much your pages suck, your guestbook will always have at least two people saying "cool pages!"


<LJ-atwork> hey spinn
<LJ-atwork> you prepared to hate me?
<StanXhiao> spinn's a regular boy scout
<spinn> j, I'm like a colonial minuteman for hating you


<mdxi> "Schlitterbahn Water Park". hrm.
<mdxi> "schitterbahn" sounds like an express toilet or something
<mdxi> "Hannah's childish arching back as she digs her undies out of her crotch"
<Da_Raven> "Schlitterbahn Water Park" : When you get tired of saying "Sewer"....
<mdxi> the text is far more disturbing than the pictures


<spinn> got plenty of interesting stuff to say. hope you're here for a while, rave
<Da_Raven> Looks like I am, unfortunately.
<spinn> heh
<spinn> well, damn, because I was kidding. I was taking a nap.
<LJ-atwork> This may not be news to anyone, but I could really go for a whole bunch of sex right about now.
<spinn> nah, that's not surprising either


<LJ-atwork> well, i expected not to be one.
<spinn> heh. yeah.
<LJ-atwork> because you don't like me and you're out to get me.
<spinn> yah, as long as our relationship is clear
<Da_Raven> "Hates me. Check. Out to get me. Check. Okay, everything's in order here...."


<spinn> bad paste, sorry
<Elkman> Is that like bad acid?
<Da_Raven> Yeah, but for kindergarteners.
<CrzyClmbr> Tonight on Fox: When good pastes go bad.
<spinn> "don't eat the elmer's paste! don't eat the elmer's paste!"


<DMLaenker> I had a dream about Mr. Peanut once, I had to change the sheets
<DMLaenker> something about that monocle


<Kyol> Another day, another 720 JenniCam pics.
<CrazyClit> Isn't Jenni like 50 now?
<SeanQ> in Internet years, Bob
<CrazyClit> "That's two months to you and me!"


<spinn> that guestbook is trochaic pentameter in four part harmony compared to some of the crap we've seen


<Leth^> There's no mind control. Eat your oatmeal


<wabewalkr> No more Sith, tho. "There's always two." And they both got cooked at the end of six....
<zompist> seems pretty stupid of the sith.
<MisterQ> Then the ghosts of the sith attack!
<zompist> "shouldn't we be having, like, open auditions for sith?" "hush!"


<Da_Raven> I dunno, do you think God would be 'l33t?
<mdxi> yeah, i think so. god isn't an old wise man, he's a 14-year-old punk diety who just got his first Create-Your-Own-Religion Kit 2000 years ago
<ev0ldpk> i think god would have a god complex.


<Da_Raven> It's a lot funnier coming from Eric Idle dressed as a nun....


<Photon> Hm.. the capalert guy sure doesn't seem to have much trouble seeing all the latest movies for someone low on money
<ev0ldpk> god helps him sneak in the back door
<ev0ldpk> (WARNING: HIDDEN MEANING)


<mdxi> can i have a company that ends in GmbH if i'm not a German corporation?
<mdxi> i mean, can i just name it that?
<mdxi> 'cause "Zeppelin Luftschifftechnik GmbH" is a kick-ass name


<Leth^> mdxi: almost literally having money burn a hole in your pocket!
<Leth^> er, disregard emphatic exclamation point
<SeanQ> disregarding!
<Leth^> thank you
<Leth^> I'd hate to have people think I was being emphatic when I wasn't


<spinn> well they coulda made it really personal
<Elkman> It's somehow more inviting than the Lycos dog.
<spinn> y'know, add on "alta-", like "alt-". have a huge, sprawling vista of gay men going down on each other
<spinn> that woulda been friendly


<LJ-atwork> someone called tech support today with an interesting problem
<LJ-atwork> she wanted to know if there was a way to takle back an email after it's been sent
<Elkman> Yeah. It's called an apology. Groveling helps too.
<agtorang> well, all she has to do is construct an elaborate web of lies and deception. duh.


<agtorang> "As part of the belt-tightening process, we're elimnating cocaine..."
<SeanQ> "Well, I've worked with all of the big cartels, I think my resume speaks for itself"
<agtorang> "I know SpeedBall 4.0, CrackPipe v.2 and Mandrax for Windows NT."


<spinn> we gotta harness the Power of Stan in some way


<SeanQ> uh oh, zomp... we pissed off the poet!
<Da_Raven> "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! PISSED POET!"
* Da_Raven flees screaming into the night.


<SeanQ> or, "/This/ is what happens when you piss off a poet? Christ, old ladies in the supermarket get more worked up when I squeeze their melons."
<RJak> what the hell are you doing squeezing their melons, sean?
<SeanQ> you know, in the produce section


<RJak> what's the feminine for hooligan?
<Leth^> hooliga, hooligae
<RJak> hooliganessa
<RJak> hoolahoop
<SeanQ> hooligette


<mdxi> what the fuck is "xihtml"?
<Da_Raven> mdxi : Ancient Incan web protocol.


<Da_Raven> I like the menu tree. Sports -> Other Sports -> Wrestling. "Wrestling : We're the Misc of Sports!
<SeanQ> i bet we could get them to add an entire category
<SeanQ> Other Sports --> Men's Synchronized Swimming
<kaufman> Zamboni Jousting
<kaufman> Cartoon Captioning


<Elkman> Yeah. They should build a nice clean head shop there instead.
<spinn> I think they should have a cozy, family-atmosphere type place, with reading materials and weekly workshops, where junkies can come and shoot herion into their veins to classical music


<LJ-atwork> well, of those present, I'd like to bite about 75%, and I only know for certain of one who is willing
* CrzyClmbr raises his hand
<LJ-atwork> that's 2


<zompist> btw, my map is updated, with corrections from last night.
<CrzyClmbr> ah, good, so stalkers can adjust their travel plans :)
<Da_Raven> There's nothing more embarrassing than showing up in the wrong town, bob.


<Elkman> I wouldn't have thought about bodily fluids and McDonalds at ALL until now.
<Da_Raven> And that's the Gift of #Spinnwebe, Elk.


<K_Man> I'm just getting a muave hue, but it's burning my retina all the same.
<zompist> aw, k-man, we mauve hue too.


<Photon2> hm.. "Ever Lovin' Marmaduke" sounds vaguely.. inflatable
<zompist> from the RealDog people


<Da_Raven> Heheh. "Here's a good rule of thumb to follow: people hate blinking. It is extremely distracting, and should only be used to draw the user's attention to the most severe conditions, such as: "Your computer is on fire".
<Da_Raven> I want that kind of error logging... "Your computer is on fire. Please head directly for the nearest fire exit."
<Elkman> "Your computer is on fire, but the CPU has not melted yet."


<spinn> I always have trouble with "enter what your site's about h ere" on search engines nd stuff
<Da_Raven> "We're funny, goddammit."
<Da_Raven> "Big Fucking Site"
<wabewalkr> "HTML gone horribly wrong."


<spinnbot> last caption: todd 10: Welcome to the Big Fucking Dog Website. For an overview, click on the Big Fucking Dog's ears. To find out about our products (including Freshly Washed Puppy and Essence Of Dogbane impostor fragrances), click on the Big Fucking Dog's nose. To read a Message From Our Pompous And Cliche-Riddled President, click on the Big Fucking Dog's pizzle.


* CrzyClmbr is running out of things to say, but hopes blasphemy will get a few chuckles
<zompist> that's the next feature: Blasphemy Chuckles
<SeanQ> i submitted a whole menu of captions this morning
<zompist> appetizer: big fucking dog. entree: big fucking dog with vegetable medley. dessert: big fucking dog. wine: fermented big fucking dog drool.
<Da_Raven> dessert : big fucking dog flambe


[Elk's former employer, not his current employer, who he loves and respects]
<Elkman> My company's mission statement: "To fuck over our customers and employees by deploying world-class internal power struggles, creative excuses, and unequalled incompetence in selling our products."


<StanXhiao> You know who seems to love mission statements? Church youth groups.
<spinn> guess they have to keep "fucking the boys" explicitly out of there
<StanXhiao> Well, only the Catholics
<spinn> "they can't be screwing our little Timmy, it's not in their mission statement!"


<Kaufman_> ah, they're in the generic division of Adjective Noun Corp.


<zompist> "mutton" is a really unattractive word... must have been invented by the beef lobby.
<zompist> they were unsuccessful in renaming chicken "spacklet".
<Da_Raven> The mutton council retaliated by making beef sound vaguely obscene.
<Elkman> Not to mention "pork".
<Elkman> "Pork: The innocuous noun, and a really dirty verb!"


<StanXhiao> He said she smelled kinda rank, spent the whole flight on the phone name-dropping, and was rude to the help.
<Elkman> Well, better to drop names than to drop acid.
<Da_Raven> Better to drop acid than drop your pants.
<Elkman> Well, I don't have personal experience, but I don't think any name-droppers ever go mad and yell "AAGH! The flying spiders are attacking!" then open the emergency door.


<Kaufman_> sean: tell spinn what do do with any knickers stocks he owns
<zompist> knickers stocks go down when celery goes up.
<SeanQ> "In the market today, men's pants are down two and three-eighths"
<StanXhiao> That's market exposure for you


<Photon> We're taking humor to strange new heights
<Elkman> And then dropping it down again!
<zompist> death and martha stewart bring out the best in us.


<LJ-atwork> yeah, I'm only very skewed, not fucking skewed


<DMLaenker> Is there some erotic subtext I'm just not getting?
<Da_Raven> Yes, yes there is, Dan.
<Da_Raven> I was about to add "And you'll never understand the complex nuances of man/bot love to get it." But then I remembered it's you.


* Da_Raven listens to Les Mis and catches the lyric "We'll give 'em a screwing they'll never forget!" Seems a little sassy for the French Revolution.
<zompist> the french revolution was damn sassy.
<StanXhiao> All those women running around baring one breast each...
<zompist> they were doing what they could for their country.


* Da_Raven is listening to Denis Leary.
<SeanQ> i wanna hear the "Traditional Irish Folk Song" turn it up!
<Da_Raven> SeanQ : o/~ They come over here and they take all our land; they cut off our heads and they boil them in oil. // Our children are leaving and we have no heads! We drink and we die and continue to drink.... o/~
<Da_Raven> Ah. my people are a fine, proud people... :)


<zompist> if god had wanted us to get up in the morning, he'd have made it later in the day.


<TMR> God is my Co-Pilot, Jesus is my Bombadier, and St. Peter is my tail-gunner.


<zompist> hello, all
<zompist> and sundry!
<sol-D> i thought sundry was banned...
<zompist> well, you can put sundry tomatoes in your sandwich, but they are a bit waxy.


<maime> I think aaron and I are going to have an unconventional "Domestic Partner" party.
<zompist> you're hoping people will give you domestic partners?
<Da_Raven> No, it's a theme party - you dress up like domestic partners.
<sol-D> i could use a few of those, myself. if you get any you don't want...


<zompist> maime, does a guy who looks like john lennon on a bad hair day and occasionally wears a tam o'shanter interest you?
<maime> a tam o what?
<maime> You mean a toupe?
<zompist> no, no. an ugly scottish beret.


<MisterQ> At times like that, you just have to count to ten and ask your self, 'What would Jesus do if he had an Uzi?'


<wabewalkr> I have my paperwork for UCI. I can now moon my employer with immunity.
<Da_Raven> Whoohoo!
<Samwise> Mooning is legal, according to a precedent set in CA.
<wabewalkr> "Mooning" as in telling them where to put their damn projects.
<Samwise> "Bye. Oh, by the way, I never documented anything."


<wabewalkr> I always document. I'm quite anal about it.
<Da_Raven> Oh, hush, wabe, you know that turns me on...


<maime> "Help me Obi Wan, I hear you're well equipped"
<wabewalkr> "Obi-wan, I need you, I reeeallly need you. Come, come, oh, oh, oh!"


<TheEnigma> "Hot lesbian action."
* TheEnigma waits for wabe to enter the channel
<TheEnigma> Hm....guess the Official Wabe Lure has lost its effectiveness.
<DarthElk> Nah, once he's in the weeds, the Official Wabe Lure doesn't get his attention. Try a spinner or a spoon, and turn on the trolling motor.


<TomFish> alt.fan.lobster-boobs
<Da_Raven> That's the tenderest part of the lobster, y'know...


<CrzyClmbr> ugly background alert - http://home.att.net/~ohlson/ - that's the only thing on this page. no text, no nothin but crayon on corrugated cardboard and then lovingly scanned in.
<Da_Raven> "Hand-scanned by Dominican monks in their monastery high in the Andes."


<LJ-atwork> I talk, I walk, and I even go potty
<Elkman> Simultaneously?
<LJ-atwork> yes, but not if I'm chewing gum
<spinn> j goes walking by your cube saying "This is one excellent bowel movement!"


<spinn> I'm getting the sense someone's being sarcastic there


<spinnfude> "Big damn DOG, BIG damn dog, ev'ry morning he greeeeeets youuuuu. Huge and LARGE, IN he'll barge, he's a big fucking BEEEEASTIIIIE..." -- From the classic musical The Sound of -- Holy Shit That's a Big Fucking Dog!


<StanXhiao> 22222...isn't that the Number Of The Breast?
<zompist> no, you're thinking 888.


<StanXhiao> Do you have the LP or EP?
<StanXhiao> Long Pooch or Extended Pooch?
<StanXhiao> or CD? Colossal Dog?


<Elkman> Oh, you're talking about power tools. I thought you were talking about sex toys.
<Kyol> Same thing.
<agtorange> tomato, tomato.
<Elkman> Great. Next thing you know, Home Depot will have an adults-only section.
<agtorange> Gonna get me some of that miter box, uhmuhmuhmghh...


<Da_Raven> fluffernutter?
<Da_Raven> Y'know, that childhood sandwich sounded a lot more innocent before I joined the DFC.
<Da_Raven> Now it reads like pron credits.


<zompist> "Moisturizing Shower Gels are refreshing and soothing way to escape from the hassles and hectic schedules we all belong to. "
<zompist> i hate belonging to a hassle.


<zompist> "fresh white musk"? i swear there's a contradiction there.
<zompist> and thank god they did "*freshly bathed* baby".
<mdxi> in the "Quick Search" over on the left it's spelled "Frsh Wht Musk"
<zompist> maybe it's "Fish White Musk"
<DilbertQ> "Fresh Killed Oxen Gland Drippings"


<agtorange> that, and Elk's resignation.
<agtorange> from work, I mean.
<agtorange> not about the futility of life in general
<DarthElk> Oh, I'm resigned from the futility of life in general.


<spinn_> las, all I can say is that when I finally made the decision, I was so fucking happy that, as I was driving home, I shouted "I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY!!" at the interior of my car
<spinnbot> babel: by way of portuguese...
<spinnbot> babel: everything that I can say is that when I made finally the decision, I happy age thus fucking that, because I directed the HOME, I shouted me AM THUS HAPPY FUCKING! in the inward of my carriage


<zompist> is a female Grand Moff a Grand Muffin?
<zompist> and what's the lower grade? Petit Moff? Undergrand Moff?
<zompist> Moffissimo?
<zompist> something went wrong at the empire's Center for Scary Title Development.
<zompist> "we want a title that will strike fear in the hearts of those who oppose the emperor!" "moff!" "yes, that's it!"


<spinn_> darth wilson!
<spinn_> <clap clap clap URK>


<Elkman> You aren't planning to cut me in half, are you?
* zompist hides his chainsaw.
<zompist> nooooo.....
<agtorange> no, no no. (shit.)


<agtorange> try soc.college.admissions, alt.comedy.standup, and--get ready for it--rec.sports.curling.
<agtorange> Shoving a teapot around a frozen pond with a broom--the sport of kings!


<Elkman> He's an easy target. Besides, some people like the challenge.
<spinn> what challenge? I could write a randy simulator in like 14 lines
<zompist> i tried to get people talking about muffins.
<zompist> really i did.


<mdxi> "Whosoever shalt have had his nads crushed or beaten or cut off or squashed or bitten by dogges or caught on a Cadillac hood ornament or... "


<Elkman> The odd part is that this av1611.org web site says on the bottom of half the pages, "All you have to do to be saved is to pray this prayer."
<Da_Raven> Do you have to mean it?


<Elkman> If it's running anything by Microsoft, it isn't a truly smart card.
<TMR> A card that rides the short bus?
<zompist> "sorry, sir, mr. beast, sir. we put everyone's identify on electronic cards, but they keep crashing."


<TMR> When we get back from Christmas break, I'm going to tell her my dad was Raptured.
<RJak> or you can send a note from your parents saying "can't come to class. been raptured"


<RJak> One of the top songs of the 70's was "Hotel California" by the Eagles. Most people have no idea the song refers to the Church of Satan, which happens to be located in a converted HOTEL on CALIFORNIA street!
<Da_Raven> If you have no idea that that song is about *something* fucked up, you aren't the sharpest knife


<mdxi> hehehe..."Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Co-Workers"


<Marmaduke> i have feelings, you know
<Marmaduke> i'm tired of being treated like a piece of meat!
<BigOlDog> "it hurts!"
<zompist> a really BIG piece of meat.
<Marmaduke> watch out before i go all #4 on yo ass


<Da_Raven> "Thus will the merry-go-round remain the acme of playground self-abuse until someone invents a device to hold you upside down and shake you like a wet elkhound. C+"
<Da_Raven> I must say, playgrounds have become quite wussy in the last decade. I bet kids aren't breaking bones *nearly* as much.
<Da_Raven> What kind of world will it be where my children can't get an elbow full of asphalt gravel?


<BFOrange> I've been cussin' like a big fuckin' wounded pirate all day, and it's all spinn's big fuckin'fault.


<BFLurknQ> when I read "Rook! Eets Dogzirra!", i had to go to the men's room


<BFOrange> speling is a boojwah afektashun.


<BigOlSpin> although I dug the tfrc ref in andy's post on a.f.sw
<BigOlSpin> "I was in dfc when timmy's colon was pink and healthy!"


*** BFFish is now known as GDBFish
<BFJatwork> don't abreviate the Lord's name in vain
<BFRaven> Yeah, really *mean* your sacrilege, Fish. :0


<GDBFish> speak softly and carry a big fucking dog


<BigOlSpin> damnit
<BigOlSpin> I'M NOT WORKING


<BFSeanQ> "Be vewy vewy kwiet... I'm humping wabbits."


<BFStan> goddamn bastards motherfuck RUBY RIDGE conspiracy satellites they're out to WACO! stomping on rights Nazis wish I was a Nazi ATTICA
<BFOrange> stan? did you take someone else's medicine?


<BFmdxi> RFC3972: IP over Extremely Large Canine Carrier (BFDCP)


<BFOrange> Look, theres another one! Didn't we just put big fucking dog traps not one week


<mdxi> is he sure that's snot?
<mdxi> sure looks more like something else...
<BFSeanQ> it's what the angel Gabriel sprayed over the Virgin Mary
<BFSeanQ> and BANG... nine months later, a Messiah
<BFSeanQ> Angel Spunk


<BFSeanQ> fuuuuck, i'm gonna get myself fired...
<BFSeanQ> every time the owner walks by, i'm hiding under my desk, laughing uncontrolably at my computer screen
<BFSeanQ> he must think i love my job


<Elkman> OK, it's fun time. Parse this sentence in a mail from my new manager:
<Elkman> Does a "reconnect" mean a "reload" of the firmware - if not, then extending the timeout seems likely to resolve (or at least postpone) if this is a "network problem" - if a "reload" does occur, the question becomes "was it necessary" (in other words, was the firmware "hosed" - and thus a "reload" was necessary.
<BFSeanQ> i think your manager is "hosed"


<wabewalkr> Oh, man. I'm thinking stop-action animation and some serious blasphemy.


<Crazy_Cli> it's like candy bars, the wrapper always stays the sam e size but the contents shrink and grow.
<Elkman> That sounds vaguely pornographic.
<agtorang> that sounds /explicitly/ pornographic


<spinn> "oh, I'm sorry, here was the problem...I was interviewed by someone who DOESN'T SUCK. my apologies."


<spinn> "call ralph on the big white telephone"
<spinn> that displaces "technicolor yawn" as my favorite puking euphemism


<spinn> what are you kidding?!
<spinn> you can't hold me back, man!
<spinn> I'm a loose dick-joke-makin' cannon!
* Da_Raven hoses spinn down with a fire hose.
<Mr-Ben> Ah, a fire hose lends itself perfectly to dick jokes.


<spinn> well, we don't give a fuck about twain anyway
<StanXhiao> Mark Twain is the old white man's Chris Rock.


<Nate-O> Clifford. The Other Big Red Dog
<Da_Raven> Now *that's* a Japanese monster flick....


<spinn> nothing says class like a floating ethereal head
<spinn> we need some in debeers commercials


<spinnbot> last caption: iadl 492: Bozo flees the store. / "No sense of humor in there!" / He'd buy milk elsewhere.
<SeanQ> *tweet* False Start, Haiku, Offense... Five Yards, repeat first down!


<Elkman> Oh, and you need useless background music too. Everyone knows how a Web page is enhanced by background music.
<spinn> yeah
<spinn> much the same way a car is enhanced by having the radio stuck to "on" and tunes only to the country oldies station
<Da_Raven> and being out of alignment, so whenever you aren't paying attention, it dives for the cement divider.


<StanXhiao> sorry, but... "newly bathed baby" caught my eye
<SeanQ> heh, i thought that was the single worst name for a fragrance ever, butit's selling like crazy
<KenMumSon> mangled baby duck!
<SeanQ> Crunchy Frog
<SeanQ> "Swampy overtones, with a hint of granola"


<CrzyClmbr> of course, the red sox started out as the "Beaneaters," so it's hard to make fun of other teams. but they had the savvy to change it at the turn of the *last* century.
<Nate-O> They felt that 'Beaneater' appealed to the wrong demographic
<CrzyClmbr> talk about not having the right ring to it - "The Yankees/Beaneaters Rivalry"
<Nate-O> The Boston Magic Fruits


<zompist> the innuendo reaches unheard-of levels, mid-day on #spinnwebe!


<spinn> jesus loves you only because he hasn't given you an opportunity to personally piss him off


<SeanQ> christ, i'm gonna get myself fired hangingout here
<SeanQ> between bursting out laughing, having "76 Trombones" blast out of my speakers, and getting /no/ work done. my days are numbered


<Leth> c'mon portugese
<Leth> !babel Sweet fancy shit, I need some sleep.
<spinnbot> babel: by way of portuguese...
<spinnbot> babel: Fancy Shit candy, I need some sleep.


<Photon> Behold the staying power of rudiger
<Mr-Ben> Rudiger Rabbit wandered into the cornfields of Mr. Henry's enormous farm. The farm stretched from horizon to horizon from where Rudiger could see.
<Mr-Ben> Rudiger was then instantly killed and shredded by a tractor. The end!
<Mr-Ben> Next on Spinnwebe Storytime: Rabinovich Rooster Loses His Head-Literally!


<StanXhiao> Got an onion in your buttcrack?


<spinn_> 'cos I still have to archive it myself
<spinn_> then programinate furiously
<DarthElk> Programinate?
<LJ-atwork> isn't that a fruit?
<LJ-atwork> the one persephone ate in hades?


<RJak> "#spinnwebe: We put the FLAME in the flaming kittens.
<zompist> "#spinnwebe: not quite as sucky as other channels"
<CrzyClmbr> "#spinnwebe: wher the red zone still lives as long as the bot does"
<zompist> #spinnwebe: this channel has very trippy conversations


<SeanQ> i am the walrus of the head... coo coo catchoo


<spinn> we write in clear ways to you for reading of text in which we talk to say a point or two you like!


<K-Man> spinn loves his haikus / but not when they are captions / goddamn hypocrite.


<TomFish> haiku haiku hai / haiku haiku haiku hai / hakui totoro


<spinn> I hate having extra gregs around me


<StanXhiao> my brother-in-law shares the name, also
<StanXhiao> and I hate sharing
<StanXhiao> as well, of course, as my son
<spinn> good. good.
<spinn> get him on the path of self-loathing early


<zompist> he's already faced death... a mere beatdown may no longer serve to keep him in line.
<CrzyClmbr> What doesn't kill me steals my chocolate.
<zompist> was that nietzsche or nestle?


<StanXhiao> Pirate & His Busty Woman Statue/Bust 13" Old
<CrzyClmbr> careful, it's a sting
<StanXhiao> Oh, I'd buy that if she was only 12" old


[Re: eBay rules]
<SeanQ> alcohol of all kinds are forbidden now
<SeanQ> like some 19 year old is gonna buy a 1935 Chateau and drink it out behind the 7-11


<Elkman> I don't have any philosophical problems with making coffee tables out of dead people, as long as they aren't my friends or relatives.


<TheEnigma> Ahh, yes....the porn flows freely in #spinnwebe.....like water through a sieve, it flows.
<TheEnigma> Like porn through the sieve, these are the days of our lives.


<Da_Raven> You forgot your "Best Read by Any Browser" gif. :)
* K-Man `s webpage is powered by Dr. Pepper
<Photon> Powered by Schleimleckstelle
<hockeyfag> Powered by Lutefisk
<K-Man> Powered by Testikellaunen


<JasG> I am not responsible for you all clawing your eyes out.
<zompist> jas, you are just disturbing web page city. you da man.
* RJak has been emotionally scarred for the rest of his life.
* JasG screamed out loud the first time he saw "it"


<MisterQ> Is she eating cerial?
<zompist> sugar-flamed dalios!
<MisterQ> now with extra melting vitamines and clocks
<zompist> romanian-flavored wheat magrittes!
<MisterQ> M. C. Escher's Disoriented Charms


<maime> My fave thing about my birthday is saying "that's made my birthday wish come true" all day about everything as sarcastically as possible.


<Da_Raven> It's like teambuilding icebreakers at work - you know it's going to be full of awkwardness and misery.


<Trainman> alt.fan.spinnwebe has a good beat and you can dance to it. I give it an 89.


<spinn> okay, bedtime now! goodnight to peoples! lots of oat bran in morning! yuck! take a plate, you defiler! I like orange! damn!


<Da_Raven> Yay! The Air Conditioning Man is here!!
<Da_Raven> The maintenance men here always make me vaguely wary. They have nothing but a flashlight. No tool box, they don't have ID, they just show up.
<TheEnigma> "Hi, we're the rapi...er...maintainence men. Look. We have flashlights! Just like REAL maintenance men! Not that we AREN'T real maintenance men! Ha ha! Can we come in now?"


<zompist> you don't need cthulhu to make the image of my grandma humping a bad one.
<TheEnigma> You just need your grandma
<Aadroma> Cthulu the Grandma Banger - sounds like a bad WB series. ^_^
<TheEnigma> Anything additional is just extra mental anguish
<zompist> precisely.


<zompist> well, now we know. the thought of michael jackson is painful, but the thought of an olestra enema is truly dangerous.


<Dolari> Jar jar is the luckiest monster in the universe.
<Dolari> But ther'es no such thing as luck in star Wars.
<Dolari> Only the force.
<Dolari> Therefore Jar Jar must be the most powerful Force being int he galaxy.
<Dolari> And that's just sad.


<wabewalkr> Spinn shares the same post office as McGruff the Crime Dog.
<zompist> you never see them photographed together...


<maime> That is so obiwan of you Raven.


<TheEnigma> I know! It's Interactive IADL!
<TheEnigma> I feel like I'm really part of the...er...of the....whatever the hell that is.


<SeanQ> unfortuantely, he's not married to a 15 yr old Welfare recipient, so getting pregnant isn't automatic


<StanXhiao> The whole morning I've been sitting here, work related conversations have been filtered through the Simpson's Comic Store Clerk module. So everyone has that voice.
<StanXhiao> Helps when they are debating the merits of Linux.
<spinn> "I be/lieve/ you have /forgotten/ the relative /merits/ of upgrading to 2.0.5.3./4/ as opposed to the /ludicrous/ 2.0.5.3.3./beta/.


<DMLaenker> Got school supplies this morning.
<DMLaenker> Which included some kick-ass laser labels that won't print.
<StanXhiao> That kicks ass


<SeanQ> i prefer raspberry error lights, or grape
<DMLaenker> And the raspberry ones are so easy to understand, too!


<spinn> well, how long can you keep feta, you think?
<Da_Raven> I guess "Until it stinks" isn't a good guideline there....
<spinn> not really, no.


<kaufman> Rule #1: If you're going to shoot a photo of y2kteam1, you really ought to dress everyone in 1900 garb and shoot it in sepia.


<zompist> i don't want to tell you what i had to do to get off the bot's shitlist, though.
<zompist> i'll just say that i tasted metal for a week.


<K_Man> Oh, c'mon, don't you want some Fancy Shit candy?
<K_Man> It's fancy, goddammit!


<mdxi> there's a little Andy Ihnatko in each of us, Enigma.
<mdxi> except me, i got a restraining order.


<zompist> but not disgusting. i think we're over it.
<MisterQ> The vagina front has passed
<wabewalkr> Leaving a sticky residue.
<Da_Raven> And we're back to disgusting...


* wabewalkr wants to be an evil supervillian with an army of machine-gun-wielding ninja bikini girls.
<spinn> I'm boycotting this conversation, STARTING NOW.


* wabewalkr worries that his banjo-playing, bikini-wearing, machine-gun-wielding army of female ninjas might not have all of their teeth.
<MisterQ> That's why you need a good dental plan


* wabewalkr will have Raven as his murderous henchwoman, until she betrays him by falling for the handsome hero.
<Da_Raven> Ugh, heroes.
<wabewalkr> Oh, sure, you say that now...


<spinn> valujet still exists, doesn't it?
<spinn> didn't they change their name rto something?
<MisterQ> Rickety Air?
<MisterQ> Don't Mind the Duct Tape Airlines.


<MisterQ> National Geographic merges with Playboy. Now aboriginies are urged to 'make love' to the camera


<wabewalkr> The bot's listening in, man! I tell you, he's an agent, man! He's working for the man, man!
<zompist> watch out, he can read your lips.


<Samwise> The anus is like the tardis...bigger on the inside...


*** wabewalkr changes topic to "A Healthy Body and a Healthy Mind^O"
<Da_Raven> Who is the hell here has either?
<zompist> da_raven, i don't know about that, have you asked MisterQ?
<Samwise> I smoke, and think about things to do to Sandra Bullock with hershey's chocolate sauce...I'm out.


<zompist> "suck" and "diarrhea" aren't words you want close together.


* zompist is almost missing the wit and sophistication of last night's breasts conversation.


<_XXX_> Is spinn's name Greg?
<Samwise> Actually, it's Hortense, but he's sensitive about it.
<zompist> is that hortense? no, she looks relaxed to me! HAHAHA!


<spinn> y'know, I dunno what it is
<spinn> we've gone on enough about him now, that you'd think we'd've beat this into the ground already
<spinn> but there are some people who, by some virtue I can't define, are a nearly bottomless wellspring of ridicule


<MisterQ> Yea... Excactly what kind of woman is attracted to the 'hey mama, how's it shakin?' mating call?


<Da_Raven> Someone make a diarrhea caption to the tune of Puttin' on the Ritz
<Da_Raven> Er, 'made'. That wasn't a request.


<MisterQ> this topic is keeping the discussion's maturity level wher it is.


<wabewalkr> There's a documentary movie coming out this Friday called "Trekkies". One of the scenes is this guy food shopping in a starfleet admiral's uniform.
<MisterQ> 'You will honor my coupons or violate the Federation's Prime Directive!'
<wabewalkr> Trekkies never hurt anybody, unlike those SCA psychotics with their swords and their looms.
<zompist> i don't know. a trekkie... hurt me once.
* Da_Raven whaps wabe.


<zompist> why this sudden burst of melancholy?
<wabewalkr> Overexposure to the sun.
<wabewalkr> Oh wait, that's melanoma. Never mind.


* wabewalkr leaps onto the beanbag chair, causing it to rupture and spray little white styrofoam pellets all over zompist.
<Da_Raven> Hey, don't scuff the rich Corinthian leather!
<maime> What's poor corinthian leather like?
<maime> I think it might be a good option for my 85 peugeot.


<zompist> and tonight i saw speed just can't get enough keanu. :)
<zompist> when keanu smiles, you think: how did they do that special effect?


<maime> should I send the Speak N Spell is behind the littleton massacre chat?
<MisterQ> M is for Mall. I like to kill the mall.
<maime> "now spell murder"
<MisterQ> You know, C is for Cow. A cow goes mooo and then in your burger


<K8_Fan> Vickie is that way about "The Matrix".
<K8_Fan> She's seen it 13 times....rather a lot, really.
<zompist> she just really... likes... keanu?
<Da_Raven> Bad Mental Image!
<Da_Raven> Head....hurts...Does..not...compute...!


<wabewalkr> So, basically, the bad guys are all named 'Darth'?
<maime> No, just the Sith Lords.
<wabewalkr> Sorta sucks for the kids.
<wabewalkr> "Let's name him Darth!" "OK, but that means we're committed to raising him to be evil."


<spinnbot> zompist, I last saw spinn in this channel ("whoohoo!") 5 days, 12 hours, 12 minutes ago
<zompist> if the evil triads have captured spinn, we must hunt them down to the ends of the earth!
<wabewalkr> But the earth is round... there's no end.
<zompist> we will make ends if we have to!


<SeanQ> Thel the Vampire Slayer
<SeanQ> and it's sequel, Buffy the Gutter Slut


<shawn-> hentai is the bane of my existance
<MisterQ> by bane, you mean the stuff you watch every other week?


<shawn-> you can all come over to my house
<shawn-> *thousands* of cows to tip and/or have sex with
<MisterQ> let me just get my scalpel and bonesaw ready..
<shawn-> personally, i like to strap lightning rods to them and watch them explode during thinderstorms
<MisterQ> Fourth of July fireworks and barbacue in one!


<sol-D> i've always wanted to be an animator...
<MisterQ> I've always wanted to be a animator making cartoons live, but my arm just isn't fast enough


<spinn> I'll get you a list of names
<Da_Raven> You have a list of people who need shattered kneecaps?
<spinn> it's a short list
<vagueblur> shorter, after they get their kneecaps shattered


<kaufman> Tonight spinn will be visited by all the faces he's ever photographed for IADL in ... The IRC Zone


<kaufman> intelligent houseplants bent on world domination; subintelligent children bent on cartoon domination; invisible uncles bent on submission and domination ...


<wabewalkr> Sorry, I was looking at an underwear site, and they were offering "shape-enhancing" briefs, and at the bottom is a button, "Add to Basket." The irony just is too much...


<hockeyfag> fuzzy backbacon
<TheEnigma> I don't much like the idea of "fuzzy" bacon, nor do I like the idea of bacon that is both fuzzy AND residing on someone's back.
<hockeyfag> bacon is nice.. bacon is friendly.. bacon won't leave you like a cheep whore in the middle of the night... bacon won't fuck your best friend while you're downstairs within earshot.. bacon is nice..
<TheEnigma> Bacon will listen to you when you need a friendly ear, dammit. Nevermind that bacon is without ears. This is unimportant.


<TheEnigma> "Do you hear voices in your head? Answer: No, I don't hear voices. Just one voice. That's okay, though, because he gives me all the encouragement I need to set kittens on fire and torture my fellow classmates with whiffle bats."
<wabewalkr> "The voice in my head says it's hungry for liver of counselor. Know where I can find one?"
<Da_Raven> No, you keep hissing "Shut uuuup!" to the space just over your left shoulder.
<TheEnigma> "They fired me from my job the other day because they said they didn't like my personality. That's okay. I've got four more."
<wabewalkr> Or, if you want to really go the whole nine yards, when you're alone with him start screaming "Don't touch me there!"


<maime> If it weren't for the bodies I could probably kill people all the time.


<Da_Raven> I'm currently baiting Christians. Or actually, just teasing them.
<MrQuestio> What do you use as bait? WWJD bracelets?
<Da_Raven> It's too easy - It's a PAX channel web board. Like shooting fish in a barrel.
<Da_Raven> But I swear, if I have to see one more fucking Christian freak on TV blaming Littleton on lack of prayer in school, I will kill someone myself.


<wabewalkr> It's better to toss a thermite grenade than to ignore the darkness.


<spinn> prehensile vagina
<spinn> there's an x-rated supervillianess for you
<spinn> "oh no!"
<wabewalkr> ORGASM LASS!
<wabewalkr> (and her pal FourPlay)
<Samwise> Can't...reach...utulity diphragm...


* LadyJeigh keeps off her knees for a while, much to the chagrin of the male population of cleveland :P


<MrQuestio> Just makes hallucinating at work that much more interesting
<zompist> well, how much consciousness do you need to welcome food trucks?
<Mr_Ben> Hi food trucks...zzzzz..
<MrQuestio> Hello Mr. Food tuck. Arn't you cute?
<Mr_Ben> Mr. Food Truck, are you anti-gay?


<Da_Raven> If this was any other group, I'd consider it weird that we know what you get when you pop an eyeball...


<maime> When I was a kid my grandma had a copy of the bible that had the print in red if it was God talking, so when I looked in other bibles and didn't see red I thought they didn't believe in god.
<zompist> each denomination should publish a bible where the parts they ignore are printed in grey.


<zompist> we're talking about books written in blood on human skin.
<zompist> the problem with vanity publishing like that is you can never get the things reviewed.


<TheEnigma> Go into a Christian bookstore, walk around for a few minutes, then say out loud, "Jesus Christ, where the hell are the damned bibles?" Be prepared to exit quickly.
<MrQuestio> No, say "I came here to see porn and all you have is this bearded guy on a stick!! What's up with that??"


<Da_Raven> Caption word of the day : dogacatessen


<TheEnigma> Aww, damn. He left before we could emotionally scar him.


<zompist> i wonder if sodo is short for sodomosochist?
<Da_Raven> What's that, mossy anal sex, zomp?


<zompist> ooh, raven's editing! submit peener captions!


<Da_Raven> your name is seaweed you goddamn anemone, i ought to ta ke you out back and make you beat yourself with a trusty hake in the shad. get o ff the shad! for the love of cod just get off the damn shad! oh man i am really trolling out here. i think my hands are made of scales, here have an eel, Jeffy me lad!


<Samwise> I won't even ask what it takes to be an editor.
<zompist> just one thing-- fear, and surprise.
<wabewalkr> That's TWO things!
<Samwise> and an almost fanatical devotion to Vice Pope Doug.


<wabewalkr> But you can't see the sweaty zompist!
<Samwise> That's a feature, not a hindrance.


<Samwise> Spree...i love that the word applies to shopping and killing. Like killing isn't important or deviant enough to deserve its own word.


<zompist> do you have an sca persona, rave? or do you trust revea ling it to us wiseacres?
<wabewalkr> She was a network admin, monitoring the wide array of carrier pigeons in the King's service.


<wabewalkr> "Bald Rabbit" sounds like a vague sexual euphanism.
<wabewalkr> "C'mon bab-bee, kiss the bald rabbit."
<zompist> heh heh... reminds me of letterman's "top 10 expressions that sound dirty but aren't." starts with "shaking hands with abraham lincoln"
<wabewalkr> "Windsurfing on Bald Mountain."


<wabewalkr> What is it with these cartoon/robot/amusement park sho ts?
<zompist> what do you have against cartoon robot amusement parks?
<Samwise> Hey, cool it...my mom was killed by an amusement park ca rtoon robot!
<zompist> BWAHAHAHAHAHA! ...i mean, i'm sorry to hear that.


<spinn> "molly, I do say! run over to the pool house and ask charl es if he fancies a game, what?" "fag!"


<zompist> my wife was overweight when she was in peru. the quechu a just loved her. the bigger the better, they figure.
<Wabewalkr> Heavier women have a better chance of surviving childb irth.
<MisterQ> Better at swimming, too
<spinn> and having big hooters


<LadyJeigh> I usually look for clothes in the black and hispanic n eighborhoods
<MisterQ> noticed that trend too in NYC
<LadyJeigh> the fat stores are prevalent there
<SeanQ> fat stores?
<zompist> is that how you get fat? you buy it?


<Mr_Ben> A quick kick to the nads would be an appropriate reply.


<SeanQ> ever been to a low-impact aerobics class? add some chantin g, and you've pretty much got a Roman Catholic mass


<spinn> when someone's talking to you, in the middle of a sentence , just say, calmly: "Nipple."
<spinn> "say, greg, we were going over the stats for the last two months, and we found--" "nipple."


<wabewalkr> People will start to talk...
<zompist> whisper whisper whisper da_raven whisper whisper whisper wabewalkr whisper whisper whisper
<Da_Raven> Now you have to look anywhere but at him and whistle in nocently, zomp.
<wabewalkr> whisper whisper whisper zompist whisper whisper spinn whisper whisper zuchini whisper whisper
<Da_Raven> zomp and his zucchini need a safeword?


<K8_Fan> Someone pointed out that all these employers want people in the 30:30:30 club. A 30 year old with 30 years of experience for $30,000
<wabewalkr> Ooo, that's me!
<wabewalkr> The only problem is I want another 30: At least thirt y meters between me and my employer at all times.
<Samwise> "Hey, could you..." "WAIT! You've violated my 30 meter b ubble...get back there and send me a nice ignorable voice mail."


<wabewalkr> I don't do Windows, toilets, or legacy systems.


<zompist> why pointless?
<LadyJ> because he's moving in a month :(
<zompist> where to?
<LadyJ> dunno
<zompist> ah, well. it's hard to find a job in dunno.
<Da_Raven> The rent is outrageous in dunno, I hear.
<wabewalkr> But the annual founder's parade is fun.


<Samwise> "comfy" and "violation of my anus" in the same sentence. ..


<wabewalkr> I really liked Carlin's "The Planet is Fine... The Peo ple are Fucked" bit from his New York show.
<wabewalkr> "Plastic doesn't decompose. So what? The Earth doesn 't care about plastic. It's just another substance. And if we all disappear to morrow and the plastic lasts another ten thousand years, then the Earth will be replaced with the Earth plus Plastic. It's like the Earth wanted plastic and ma de it indirectly through us. Maybe its the answer to the age old question, 'Why are we here?' Answer: 'Plastic, asshole.'"


<wabewalkr> Hoover also gave us the immortal line: "It is unfortu nate that we in the FBI are unable to do anything about oral-genital contact, un less it interferes with interstate commerce."
<Da_Raven> Well, he does get to crack down on all those trucker or al sex accidents....


<TheEnigma> Gorgeousness is a /me command away.


<TheEnigma> "Raven and Cheese Dip - the new tasty cheese dip that makes sarcastic comments as you consume it!"


<Mr_Ben> "I am spinnbot, I was programmed in 1992 at Urbana, Illin ois. I would like to sing "Daisy"...


<Samwise> Our planet is just about middle aged.
<Samwise> So I guess Earth is going to start dating younger blonde planets.
<MisterQ> That Venus is looking mighty fine
<zompist> divorce the moon and buy a red asteroid belt.
<K8_Fan> Are you saying the hole in the ozone layer is just pattee rn baldness?
<Samwise> I'm not only a member of the ozone club for planets, but I'm also a client.


<wabewalkr> "Cap'n! The warp core is breaching! I'll seal it wit h Deus Ex Machina particles!"


<wabewalkr> The last two Shakers died in the early 1980s.
<MisterQ> Replaced by Rockers and Rollers


<zompist> oh no, wait, it turned it into a verb.


<spinn> the mess in this room is just too overwhelming
<Da_Raven> a piece at a time, greg. We know you can do it!
* Da_Raven feels like a cheerleader.
<vagueblur> make a game of it..for every 3 square feet cleared, ea t some ice cream
<spinn> if you tell me to do it for the gipper, I'm gonna slap you one


<zompist> you're making bread too, raven?
<Da_Raven> No, just warming up some frozen garlic bread.
<zompist> mine involves milling the wheat myself, and pressing the olives grown on my own balcony.
<maime> quit copying me!
<spinn> mine involves sifting fine river silt, and pissing into a clay pot.


<maime> Does my bread look like it has big bloody spots on it or is it me?
<Da_Raven> That is the sundried tomatoes, right?
<maime> Yup


<spinn> I'm cursing an awful fucking lot tonight, goddamnit


<spinn> hey, mark, we'll have to get together sometime
<spinn> it'll give you an opportunity to BITE ME.


<zompist> i don't think i've ever seen the words "pig fetus" in a dfc caption. and that's a lot of captions.


<Da_Raven> I went and bought a stunt kite today.
<Da_Raven> I have a magic power. I can stop the winds.
<wabewalkr> As long as your kite doesn't go f-f-f-funt, it's fine.


<DodgeDart> all i got to keep me happy is a bunch of CDs, an ether net connection to the net, and about 100 megs of porn.


<TheEnigma> Eventually, they'll run out of legitimate marshmallow flavors. Then we'll have flavors like "clear" and "great white shark."


<wabewalkr> Nice sex drive, there, Raven.
<Da_Raven> Thanks, wabe.


<Da_Raven> I am getting soooo bad at work. Everyone is leaving, so it's pretty much "Bugger this place for a lark."
<Da_Raven> I'm *really* trying to pretend I care, at least for the customer.
<wabewalkr> Not me. I bitch all the time. About the only thing I haven't done is challenge the VP to a knife fight, and that's only because his secretary won't give me an appointment.


<spinn> rob, I wanna be your best friend
<wabewalkr> You don't want to be my friend, spinn. I have the habit of wooing away the lovers of my friends.
<spinn> well, yeah, but if that gets me around some hot lezbo action...


<wabewalkr> Oh, I dunno. Ignorance is bliss.
<zompist> then why aren't more people happy?


<Da_Raven> Tornado watch, guys.
<zompist> aah, tornados never get into this section of the AAAAAAAUUGGGGH! AUNTIE EM! AUNTIE EM!


<wabewalkr> I am being a rebel. I'm giving up a $120K job to pay $40K to parrot professors.
<zompist> you'll be taught by parrots?
<DocEvil> Awk! Polly want tenure!
<Mr_Ben> Awk! Polly wanna internship!
<sol-D> Awk! Polly want an undergraduate!


<zompist> sounds good, rave. will you have minions?
<Da_Raven> No, still minion-less. BUt we finally got cool titles. "Senior System Administration Engineer II"
<wabewalkr> You're a sequel?


<zompist> great thing about that argument is, it can be any date. god created the universe 10 minutes ago. all your memories are fake.
<kaufman> FUCK! I'm a virgin!
<zompist> so is everyone here, unless someone has been VERY discreet.
<wabewalkr> Psst! Raven! I think they know!


<wabewalkr> Obviously, only incredibly stupid people go to Heaven. The rest of us party down in the Flaming Pit o' Fun.


<wabewalkr> This is too much concentrated humor to digest in one sitting.
<Da_Raven> THat's my goal, the cheesecake of humor.


<MisterQ> The gtg will be August what date?
<Mr_Ben> September 11th and 12th.
<zompist> august the 42nd, q.
<Mr_Ben> Decuary the 86th.
<TMR> Smarch the 69th.


<wabewalkr> Don't start me on my day.
<Da_Raven> So, wabe, how was your day?


* TMR can't even fart and chew gum at the same time
<LadyJ> gum makes you fart?


<zompist> "liverwurst." two morphemes that both announce bad news.


<TheEnigma> Like clowns in a glass globe, we are.
<wabewalkr> And if you turn it over, glass dildos swirl around.


<wabewalkr> Bear Testing and Engineering.
<zompist> "building better bears since 1988"


<spinn> but I went to office depot today to see the palms
<spinn> fell in love with the v
<spinn> I was filled with geeky glee


<Da_Raven> But I don't know that I want to start being the Grand High Poobah of Quality.
<zompist> i think the feminine is "poobahina".
<Da_Raven> Heh. Not "poobahista"?
<zompist> isn't that the manager of a starbucks?
<Da_Raven> I thought those were "barristers"?


<MisterQ> It's 'Lets make No Rational Sense' day here on #spinnweve
<DMLaenker> Is it also "Translate Spinnwebe into Portugese" day?


<Da_Raven> No spooning? That takes half the fun out of sex....
<TMR> The other fun half of sex is forking.


<spinn> but today I looked at the code. and check out what I wrote a while back
<spinn> # comments marked with #!# are workarounds for the new national projects job entries.
<spinn> # they work seriously against the original logic of the program, and I hate them.
<spinn> # I would first cut off the index fingers of both hands before using them
<spinn> # if I didn't know this program only has a life of about two more months.


<sol-D> it's "Be completely incomprehensible night" here at #spinnwebe


<spinn> Is my goddamn neighbour playing fucking bagpipes?
<Da_Raven> If you have to ask the question, the answer is NO.


<TMR> You must also be an assistant gonger to a Missourian pervert.
<sol-D> well, that's pretty much a *given*, innit?
<TMR> For you, anyway.


<Da_Raven> snook?
<JesEJames> The past perfect of snuck
<JesEJames> Err...should be subjunctive
<zompist> i guess that guy sook at grammar.
<JesEJames> No, he suckeded
<spinn> isn't that the pluperfect past participle of "sneak"?


<spinn> I'm about to be mean to photon
<JesEJames> Hey, light particles have rights too


<maime> The secret clan of spin--n
<Da_Raven> Clan of the Cave Spin-n
<Da_Raven> Or, as we like to say around here, Clan of the He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named


<zompist> to be, or to be. whether 'tis nobler in the mind to trip a nutsack in a frenzy of dickplay, or to hold tents with a sea of poop, and by opposing oing them.


<spinn> not a good answer, but check out this question:
<spinn> i like some guy but hes controling and minipulative but i still like him should i still go for him and try and change him?
<Da_Raven> That should get nothing but one of those universal red-slash-circle gifs.


<Da_Raven> There's a rocket ship to whoredom.
<vagueblur> whoredom
<vagueblur> gotta love that word
<Da_Raven> It's got a ring to it, doesn't it?


<Da_Raven> He made us go downtown *twice*. That's just wrong.
<Da_Raven> People aren't meant to actually enter the city without an express and urgent purpose, like theater.


<TheEnigma> But a Hellkitten is nice.
<TheEnigma> It has a cigarette in its mouth, eh?
<TMR> If you wanted a kitten sans cig, you'd go to the Non-Smoking Pits of HELL!
<sol-D> i didn't think you could smoke indoors ANYWHERE.
<sol-D> maybe they're all standing around the gates of hell...


<MisterQ> White Castles: 25% protein like substance? 35% fecal matter 50% ex-lax
<TMR> HEY! That's 110%!
<LadyJ> White Castle is more for your money
<Trainman> Well, that's how committed White Castle is...they give 110%.
<MisterQ> They're so bad they bend time and space


<wabewalkr> Powered Pez dispensers? Is that the ultimate in laziness? "Damn, I could use a Pez, but they're, like, too hard to operate!"


<TheEnigma> I like the freeway sign in North Carolina that says, very happily, "Bat Cave."
<TheEnigma> I mean, what's the point of Bruce Wayne HIDING that thing if you're going to point us to it anyway?


<MisterQ> heh.. We were in Canada at a local grocery store and you know how the local chains have imitation soda. Well for Dr. Pepper, they had Dr. Thunder and for Mountain Dew, they had Mountain Lightning. What brilliant advertising mind would come up with a name like Dr. Thunder?
<MisterQ> Praaaooooot! Sorry, that was just Dr. Thunder speaking.
<Trainman> Well, obviously, they had Mountain Lightning first, and then they had to come up with something else to match.
<TheEnigma> Diet Overcast Day, Stormclouds Up, Dr. Thunder, Mountain Lightning.
<spinn> I guess the diet version of mountain thunder would be like mountain 60% chance of precipitation later in teh day


*** wabewalkr changes topic to "14" high of throbbing manmeat"
<Da_Raven> Oh, that'll attract the element we're looking for.


<Da_Raven> I just have to say I am getting way too attracted to Dr. Drew....


<wabewalkr> I think people with unisex names should be forced to put a little icon after their name whenever it appears in print. So there.
<spinn> only if mine gets to be, like printed 14" high of throbbing manmeat.
<spinn> with a cartoon pointing to it and to my name, saying "Hah? Hah?" every time my name appears.
<zompist> it's throbbing? you may need some penicillin for that.


<wabewalkr> Y'know, a butt plug that size must have been expensive -- hardly a whimsical purchase.


<wabewalkr> And that's how "sociopath" appeared in my Permanent Record


<Aadroma> Thanks to the DFC, I can't go into a Chinese restaurant without laughing and thinking of "Chuck E. Chang's"


<wabewalkr> I have enough problems with my own cat. I don't need an immortal flaming kitten setting fire to the place.


<TheEnigma> I don't set 'em on fire....they're that way when I find them!
<TheEnigma> HONEST!
<Elkman> I want a black velvet painting of kittens playing poker. On fire.


<spinn> start going on about mediaone and I'm gonna kill the lot of ya
<spinn> I'm not talking about wimpy /kick crap, either. I'm talking about silent whispering shivs in the dead of night


<MisterQ> I mean no one in Hollywood can make an original movie of like a giant kitten that eats people whole.
<MisterQ> But first, it will play with them
<zompist> on fire!
<TheEnigma> Think that'll ever die?
<TMR> The people or the kitten?


<MisterQ> here's a fiery kitten to provide fire just like they did for our cavemen ancestors


<wabewalkr> I think the bot should kick off anyone who says "lifestyle."
<zompist> like you just did?
<wabewalkr> No, I meta-said it.
<zompist> hm. and how is the bot supposed to know?
<Da_Raven> An instinctive feel for the group's social dynamics?


<zompist> do whales menstruate? yikes.
<wabewalkr> They have to. All mammals do, I believe.
<Da_Raven> I doubt it. It would leave a hell of a chum trail every month.
<spinn> sssppplblblpbllPLUH!


<TMR> I don't have a porn collection...
<TMR> I have a porn LIBRARY.
<zompist> complete with a little old lady as a librarian?
<TMR> Little old lady with a whip.


<zompist> "and jesus spake to them, saying, 'when ye take a wife, take ye heed that ye know where is the clitoris'"
<MisterQ> "and Jesus did spake to the Mary Magdaline, oh yes baby! Do me baby!"


<MisterQ> Just take a deep whiff of you kitten every day. That should acclimate you to the allergy... or kill you. Either way, you'd be cured!
<zompist> of course, your kitten will think you're a perv.


<spinn> happy happy op day is over
<spinn> mark your calandar for the next one
<spinn> when all children prance with delight and fun and gamera is friends to everyone


<Da_Raven> Women also probably feel more constrained by their gender than men. Do men really think of their gender much?
<wabewalkr> Only when they wish they could have multiple orgasms.


<wabewalkr> Oh, I forgot. I'm a 26-year-old Wiccan African-americ an lesbian.
<zompist> something wiccan this way comes.


<DMLaenker> Since spinn isn't here, and LadyJ's already heard it, does anyone want to sit through a wierdass idea of mine?
<Photon> does it involve goth orcs?
<DMLaenker> Yes.
<Da_Raven> Then no.


<spinn> well, that bitch.
<spinn> uh...hi!
<wabewalkr> Yeah, what a... oh, hi, raven.
* Da_Raven socks spinn on the arm.


* wabewalkr suddenly realizes he has a Perl-based bot hidden away...
* wabewalkr thinks he has something interesting to toy with at work tomorrow...
* wabewalkr needs to stop using the third-person to refer to himself. ..


<Da_Raven> This just cries out for a round of "I know you are, but what am I?"


<Photon> So did I miss out on Soy discussion?
<DMLaenker> If you wish to rekindle the fire of soy, be my guest.


<kaufman> 99 bots of spinn on the net, 99 bots of spinn, if one of the bots should happen to fail, 98 bots of spinn on the net.


<wabewalkr> I think the secret to surviving high school was to FLAME ON as much as possible.


<wabewalkr> This channel was brought to you by the letter Q and the number 69.


<wabewalkr> What's the problem with downspouts?
<maime> they drain into the street and pollute the river
<maime> well not directly.
<spinn> but they /wish/ they could.
<spinn> they're cold, cold hearted, those downspouts


<DMLaenker> Sorry... that was a rather odd burst.
<wabewalkr> Odd bursts are what #spinnwebe's all about.
<spinn> no is isn't
<spinn> YOU FUCKER
<kaufman> Later on they vented


<DanMLaenk> Stupid disconnect.
<kaufman> Is there any other kind?
<DMLaenker> There's the Disconnect of Genius Beyond Our Understanding; why?


<maime> I find myself wanting to drill the little kids on the bus that are wearing anarchy patches.
<maime> "whose your fave anarchist? and don't say Sid Vicious"
<maime> But enough about me.


<MisterQ> It's 2 am and there's still no nudity on my tv
<sol-D> stupid tv! be more lewd!
<Mr_Ben> Put it on scrambled porn.
<MisterQ> If you time it just right, you can see an elongated purple boob


<sol-D> if it makes you feel better, my tv has seen way too much nudity tonight.
<MisterQ> oh really? How come?
* sol-D went to blockbuster and got stuff without checking the ratings B)
<sol-D> porn, porn, porn.
<MisterQ> oh, i thought you were watching it in the nude


<Mr_Ben> So where were we?
* MisterQ shrugs
<sol-D> uh...transdimensional weasels are the key to eternal life?


<MisterQ> Darn this Faith Channel music. It's causing all sorts of good feeling in me.
<sol-D> you wanna get up and pray to god while emptying your wallet? dance all the way to the poverty line?
<MisterQ> I said good feelings. Not stupid feelings.


<spinn> "spinn: my nipple pisses people off."
<zompist> it's dangerous to get between a geek and his net porn


<zompist> i'm working on an applet that uses some technology from sony to surreptitiously take pictures of visitors in their underwear.
<maime> That's pretty cool you could make a ton of money with that one
<zompist> oh, it's not for the money... it's just to benefit humanity.


<Mr_Ben> And no one composes porn music like John Williams!


<wabewalkr> That's so sweet I think I'll be ill.


<wabewalkr> Anything that contains the word 'sucks' automatically falls out of the 'nice' category.


*** Da_Raven sets mode: -o Da_Raven
<zompist> raven commits op-kiri?


<RoJo> Then I have three...one is in Guam (Navy), one is in California, and the last is Namgubed.
<spinn> My wife.
<RoJo> Namgubed is your wife?!?
<kaufman> And a merry wife is she!


<Da_Raven> Is that the plan from now on? Showing up at their door and tatooing DEFILER on their forehead? :)


<spinn> man, caroline rhea's breasts move independently of her


<wabewalkr> The cat is stalking my stroganoff.
<Da_Raven> Is it fleeing the cat?
<wabewalkr> I'm helping it flee the cat. Down, Demonspawn!


<spinn> heather, how's it going?
<Da_Raven> It? Editing?
<spinn> yeah
<spinn> well, that, and your rash


<Da_Raven> You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a handful of Indians in the industry.
<zompist> it's probably religiously offensive to hit an indian with a dead cat.
<wabewalkr> No, just steak or ground beef.
<spinn> only if the cat's not a vegetarian


<Da_Raven> Lesbians duking it out on Jerry Springer... I have *got* to find something better on at 11..
* wabewalkr and zompist's ears perk up.
<zompist> wabe, turn it on! you may have dated one of them!


<spinn> Peeve: When people use "May I help you?" as a synonym for "What the hell are you doing here?"


<SeanQ> does anyone really pay for mIRC?
<arteitle> Sean: just g33ks and lam3rz.
<wabewalkr> ... and people who want to sleep well at night.


<spinn> do me a favor, rob? use "spinn".
<zompist> as a safeword?


<spinn> successful glue extraction
<vagueblur> sounds like an album title...


<vagueblur> I once wrestled an ancient roman gladiator because he got dejanaise on my toga


<RoJo> Wow, it's like being in a church...
<RoJo> <chirp> <chirp> <chirp>
<spinn> you'd smell the old semen if it was
<RoJo> Little girl: Father, is that a crucifix in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
<wabewalkr> Whoa, step away for a minute and you're talking about ejaculations in church...


<vagueblur> does anyone here besides me get a kick out of taking words like "fellatio" and asking people what they mean...especially the elderly...


<wabewalkr> Real Women set up web pages where they post frightening poetry.
<wabewalkr> "I see the man / they dangle low / I tear them off..."
<spinn> penis/penis/penis/I only envy/the sharpest blade/blade/blade


<maime> I haven't really moved into the realm of lesbian dating.
<spinn> hm
<spinn> notify us when you do
<spinn> I'll mail you my digital camrea


<zompist> ok, nobody jiggle greg's arm while he's drawing.
* zompist accidentally spills his drink all over greg's card


<wabewalkr> Who has a Mac and doesn't have a face?
<zompist> 'cos if so we keel you feelthy.


<hockeyfag> there was a bookstore here that had the bibles on one side of the aisle and pagan books on the other.. you could feel them almost fighting it out ;)


<Heath> I'm working on a screenplay for My Fair Lady 2000. Where a young lady enlists the help of a computer genius to try to convince people on the net that she's not really from aol.com.


<Da_Raven> One of these days I have to archive these IRC logs... For posterity. Or the commitment hearing..


<wabewalkr> Children of the Boob Tube, unite!
<wabewalkr> After the commercial.


<wabewalkr> People who are rubbed the wrong way rub me the wrong w ay.


<vagueblur> ohmm..ohmmm...ohmmm...be one with the fluffy kittens.. ohmm..ohmm..ohm...eat one of the fluffy kittens...


<maime> I hate my job. I want to get pregnant and go on welfare
<Da_Raven> Cool. Name the sixth one after me!


<maime> I'd like to be the mother of killer clones.


<wabewalkr> 1-900-ZWEBLÖ7 doesn't get updated often enough, I MHO.
<zompist> so complain to those in charge.
<wabewalkr> I have, but my phone keeps exploding.


<JesEJames> It's bad enough that the family was stuck with the name Butkus, but they just had to name the kid Dick, too?
<wabewalkr> Hey, it probably worked to his advantage... the constant beatings built-up his resistance to pain.
<JesEJames> I wouldn't have beaten him up, somebody would have yelled, "Hey, it's Dick Butkus, get him!" and I would have been doubled over laughi ng
<Da_Raven> Heh. That's one survival mechanism for him.

[Re: #spinnwebe]


<JesEJames> Wow, it's like the place where everybody knows your name
<wabewalkr> Every time Raven shows up I call her NORM.



<K8_Fan> You know, you kind of have a debt to someone who actually pushed an entire human being through a bodily portal.
<K8_Fan> The amazing part is that she did it *4* additional times.
<sol-D> wow
<sol-D> i have trouble pushing movies through the return slot at blockbuster

[To the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire"]


<JesEJames> "Unca Roy" "wher it is" "soylent green" "daddy's jiz" "nutsak" "shiny things" and "the psychic fern"..."eating pets" "lezzie sex" What the hell did you expect! We didn't start the Red Zone...it was in fashion with the lame ass captions...



<wabewalkr> I refuse to listen to the epicurian opinions of someone who works in waste management.


<wabewalkr> Oh well, you're allowed your opinion. It just happens to be wrong.


<DethKlaw> The problem with the Avacado of Death is that it starts out funny and gets bizzare.
<JesEJames> I find that to be the trouble with a lot of fatal vegetables


<wabewalkr> But I was lucky. At the sweet age of sixteen, I was accentally diagnosed as a sociopath.


<wabewalkr> I just can't think like a sheep.
<zompist> think wooly. and mee-e-e-eh a lot.


<spinn> I'm uplinking the sc2000G to the wxmat and I don't even have a transceiver!
<zompist> good, 'cos you *never* want to wuxmat a scigger


<Da_Raven> We should all give up real life and abandon ourselves to the sweet purity of #spinnwebe....


<wabewalkr> spinnbot, say 'Hwuh' if you think I am brilliant.
<spinnbot> Hwuh?
<spinn> spinnbot, ahomosayshwuh?
<spinnbot> Hwuh?
<spinn> that's much more entertaining than it should be


<Da_Raven> Finally cleared the ferret out of the library, so I can spread the books out and sort them and get them into the database...
<wabewalkr> What Dewey decimal number do you file a ferret under?
<kaufman> Depends what you want to do with it.
<kaufman> If you want to worship it, in the 300s. If you want to hit it with a baseball bat, try the 700s.


<zompist> oak park is nuclear free too.
<zompist> that's terribly important. i hate it when suburbs stockpile MX missiles.


<Da_Raven> Hey, if we do that Illustrated bible, we have to work our way through Deut and Leviticus... There's too much fodder there for amusing pictures...
<Photon> The Dysfunctional Illustrated Bible?
<Da_Raven> Actually, it provides it's own Dysfunctionality. Of a sort.
<zompist> omigod, you're right.
<zompist> that's better than some porn sites. huh.


<Da_Raven> They've got good quotes going on this thread... "Now I'm imagining the giant circular Habitrails where researchers smash gerbils together to produce things like hamsters and capybaras with fractional-second lifespans."


<SeanQ> Do not taunt "Bag Full 'o Cat"


<Da_Raven> Often, it's when someone loses an eye that makes it fun and games...


<Da_Raven>
Is that a good thing? Being with the op-lessness?


<zompist> no more buttered scones for me, mother. i'm off to play asteroids


<zompist> oh damn. wabewalkr is core-dumping again.
<zompist> somebody get the manual.


<LadyJeigh> oh, maybe the turtle wax discussion was all in my head.


<zompist> and now i have a face! load that wabe!
<wabewalkr> Cool...
<wabewalkr> What's the icon, a sweaty guy using a computer?
<zompist> i prefer to think of it as "furiously creating."

[From my pre-editor days...]

<Da_Raven> I do my best not to tease the editors. When someone ends up on the clock tower, I want to be on the Side of the Good.



<wabewalkr> The puke-green is awful.
<Da_Raven> Y'see, that's why it's called *puke* green, wabe...


<wabewalkr> Death by Hanson is expressly prohibited by the Geneva Convention...
<kaufman> And thus concludes another chapter of the Gashlycrumb Spinnies.


<Heath> Oh, in that case, I _am_ a teletubbie.
<wabewalkr> Gwee? Twar foo la con see?
<kaufman> Is that a palindrome?


<wabewalkr> I was gonna make a spinnwebe logo too, but modelling the hamster wheel was more difficult than i thought...


<LadyJeigh> it was a laugh that was initially internal then burst out mah mouth
<zompist> where do your other laughs start?
<Da_Raven> Externally, and then they circle for a while, before landing.

[Nutty religious rant flyers]

<zompist> i never did quite figure that thing out: the guy was against churches advertising in the yellow pages?
<Da_Raven> It looks like he think organized religion is the work of the Devil, and thus the Yellow Pages are doing Satan's work?
<Da_Raven> "Look, this year's Index of Damnation, honey!"



<spinn> when you add a comment, I'd like you to attribute it
<zompist> to craig. HAHAHA!

[wabe asked us to help name some hairdos...]

<wabewalkr> Jason doesn't need to get his head shoved into a toilet to get the pleasant coffiure of THE SWIRLY.



<Da_Raven> I'm the goo Kibo!


<spinn> I was away for a minute watching a stripper try to put her mouth in pamela lee's mouth
<zompist> try to put her tongue in pamela lee's mouth? she didn't succeed?
* zompist can tell this is another conversation which may not impress his wife as serious


<wabewalkr> MAKING EARRINGS? Can you do that without a license?


<wabewalkr> That's the third time this week that someone I know has used the word "preternatural."
<zompist> it's preternatural, isn't it?


<DMLaenker> STOP IT! I'M ABOUT TO MAKE SENSE!

<wabewalkr> Man, I'm going to need a printout of the log and three highlighters to ever understand this mess.
<Heath> Eskimo.

<arteitle> All hail lord spinn!
<spinn> nix on the hailing
<arteitle> Hailing frequencies closed, sir.


<wabewalkr> If an infinite number of cats walked over an infinite number of keyboards...
<Da_Raven> ..you'd have the damndest time cleaning it out.


<zompist> i'm expressing my inner dyke.
<wabewalkr> That's Steve Martin's line.
<zompist> ok, i'm expressing steve martin's inner dyke.
<zompist> (white hair and birkenstocks?)


<wabewalkr> safewords are for weenies.
<SeanQ> are you going to use "spinn" for your safeword?
<wabewalkr> It would seem strange, in the moment of passion, to cry "spinn! spinn!"
<zompist> wabe: unless one were doing it with spinn.
<wabewalkr> I will not touch that.


* maime is borderline drama queen
<wabewalkr> So is hockyf... no, too easy.
* hockeyfag likes manly men :)
<wabewalkr> Well, that eliminates all of us.


<wabewalkr> "Cybill" used to be pretty racey, too.
<maime> I loved Maryanne
<zompist> and the professor?
<maime> He was a hottie
<Da_Raven> I'd do the Professor.


<maime> But cheese isn't a person in the neighborhood.


<zompist> so how was riverdance?
<Da_Raven> It was... good. Very Riverdancy.


<zompist> oh, sure, but can you get someone to pay you to tell them how?
<Da_Raven> Heh. THat's what I do now, although they pay me to be a Software Analyst. Whatever in the hell that is.
<zompist> job titles can be pretty silly. mine sounds extremely pretentious: "master software engineer".
<Da_Raven> Do they provide you with acolytes to bow to you?
<zompist> yeah, the slave software engineers. :)


<zompist> 'manager' and 'yelling' together is a bad sign already...
<Da_Raven> I think it's intended in a "hearty" way; you know, those executive guys who are all firm handshakes and give-em-hell go-getters...
<zompist> i guess fratboys have to find a job somewhere...


<spinn> sometimes I feel like rob and I are in slightly different channels
<spinn> like I'm in #spinwebe, and he's in #spannweve


<spinn> you'd think I'd need to be harshly abused as a child to have this ability to entertain myself


<maime> Did you see that post at a.f.s about TMBG's John F being #5 on the time "person of the century list"
<Da_Raven> Not yet.
<maime> There is a Raven at #9
<zompist> wow. talk about sucking up to a new editor.


<Da_Raven> You have a little drama queen in ya, greg, but that's what we love about you....


<wabewalkr> Does the morbid pointlessness of this tragedy called life fill you with ennui?
<Da_Raven> Eh.


<maime> Yeah but I stopped being goth when I was so bored with the idea that I didn't care anymore.
<maime> and I didn't have the patience to put five different kinds of black eyeliner on every morning.
<Da_Raven> Always seemed a lot of work to be apathetic.


<Da_Raven> I'm from Chicago. I don't trust foreigner pizza...


<maime> its fucking aracnet.
<wabewalkr> What's fucking aracnet? Is it using protection.
<maime> Couldnt really fuck aracnet... they'd never be able to get it up.


<maime> Spinn is sending a lovely photo around of my next husband.
<Da_Raven> Excellent. Stranger off the street or anyone we know?
<maime> I don't know. But he's just the kind of freak I imagine I'll get drunk and go to Vegas with.
<maime> Am I sharing too much?
<spinn> depends on how much he spanks you


<zompist> next spinnwebe t-shirt: "i'm a happy defiler!"
<Da_Raven> "precious girlie nipples : nightly on #spinnwebe"


<spinn> friend of mine said she "called in insane" today.
<spinn> okay. so I laughed at that. 'cos, if you call in sick, you want to /sound/ sick. you know, "hi, I can't <cough cough> come in today, I'm <wheeze> feeling really sick"
<spinn> so, if you call in insane, what do you do?
<spinn> "Hi, I'm MOTHERFUCKER feeling kinda insane WHOOP BING today, so I'm gonna stay home COLONEL SANDERS."


<spinn> uh, yeah. and a tilde is NY slang for "dripping snatch"
<spinn> "hey yo, baybee, let's see some til-DE!"


<RoJo> Mr. McFeely...I always wondered about Mr. Rogers and him. He was always talking about a "speedy delivery." I swear I heard Mr. Rogers call him "Mr. McFeelme" a few times...


<wabewalkr> Whoa, step away for a minute and you're talking about ejaculations in church...


<DMLaenker> Gen-Y fools. Why can't they gawk at porn like everyone else?


<wabewalkr> Odd bursts are what #spinnwebe's all about.
<spinn> no is isn't
<spinn> YOU FUCKER


<wabewalkr> THE GAY AGENDA: 10 AM: Buy curtains for the den; 12:30 PM: Lunch with Steve and Bruce; 1:45: Conquer the Western World.


<wabewalkr> Zomp! Raven! Now we have excitement!
<Da_Raven> We're like water and sodium, excitement all around....


<spinn> I get the feeling that jeffy is doing the comic now, tho.
<Da_Raven> You know you've been reading SW too long when you put quotes around "doing" the comic....


<zompist> Yahoo: Entertainment: Body Parts: Nipples: Male?


<Photon> Soy scares me.
<DMLaenker> Soy scares me to death.
<Da_Raven> I have no specific fear of soy.


<DMLaenker> I have soy milk and a rash on my hand. Stay back.


<Da_Raven> Op for everyone tonight. No setting the place on fire....
<kaufman> I think I gave up arson for Lent.


<Da_Raven> Of course, there could be new and strange definitions of 'gothic' of which I am not aware. Those freaky kids aren't my idea of gothic...


* LadyJ 's uterus is on a rampage
<LadyJ> I know it's too much information... but if I have to suffer, I'm taking you all with me


<spinn> nutsak, in #spinnwebe, it is not necessary to check your personality at the door.


<nutsak> we were going to hide while you were gone, but you came back too soon
<wabewalkr> Not enough furniture for everyone, anyway.

[ Er, it's a long story involving the PAX channel, but 'Snowy Jesus Channels' was the topic still set when the evening crowd showed up...]

<wabewalkr> Snowy Jesus Channel sounds like the name of a child from an Irish-Spanish family.
<nutsak> The forecast today is a snowy Jesus with a 15% chance of a foggy satan.
<kaufman> Tomorrow, misty buddhas and hail cthulhu!
<DMLaenker> Extended into the weekend, black clouds prompt a thousand young.



<Da_Raven> Maime and I, the HeteroChicks...


<DMLaenker> I AM NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MYTHOLOGICAL BEINGS!
<DMLaenker> At least, not very.


<DodgeDart> you've got some serious-ass tripping nutsak frenzy problems


<wabewalkr> Of course. I'm pure dripping sarcasm, with a pH of -3.


<spinn> if yuou're ever in a situation where you have to handle something that looks like diarhea
<spinn> I suggest la preferida refried black beans


<Da_Raven> Goths are just monochrome punkers.


<Da_Raven> I never require people to invite me into their house until they determine in person that I'm not a homicidal maniac.


<wabewalkr> What is the highlander/jeopardy game? You don't reply in the form of a question and they chop your head off?
<spinn> no, they seriously overact at you while staring intently.
<spinn> "that...is NOT..." [long inhale] "...in the form...of a QUESTION."


<maime> The starbucks kind are like the crack of the mint world.

[re : fishnet stockings]

<zompist> faux fishnets? meaning they don't really catch fish?



<wabewalkr> I'm too rude even for #buttslap.
<maime> What does that say that we were kicked from #buttslap?
<spinn> you obviously don't slap enough butt
<spinn> you talk the talk, BUT DO YOU WALK THE WALK


<zompist> well, some people have a way with words, and some people... uh... um... not have way.


* wabewalkr enjoys speaking in the third-person.
* zompist thinks it gives a nice narrative feel to the session.


<zompist> something wiccan this way comes.


<DodgeDart> anyone familiar with the "AOL Geek of the Week" site?
<wabewalkr> Isn't that redundant?

Disclaimer : These are actual IRC transcripts. Some editing has been done, either by arranging lines slightly (so conversational blocks look coherent), by deleting irrelevant lines, or lumping multiple consecutive lines by the same author together. For one or two people who used multiple aliases, I picked their most common alias and used it throughout. The actual text and/or the intent of the text has remained untouched. If any of the participants chronicled below have issues, objections or comments, please drop me a line. [As of 4/26/99, the newest entries are tacked onto the top, instead of added to the bottom.


Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com
I want to submit a log!