Imagine a loaf of bread, L....


<Samwise> Oh, I'm all about baking my own bread now... instant yeast makes things almost *too* easy.
<Samwise> Even white bread is tasty if you made it.
<Kyol> I need a better bread machine.
<Kyol> There's some weirdo nip break maker that makes proper loaves of bread, not these weird monolithy things.
<Samwise> Yeah, I could never get used to the bizarre shape of breadmachine stuff.
<hockeyfag> they have a website for their crustless bread..
<Samwise> "unique baking and crust removal process"
<Samwise> oven. knife.
<hockeyfag> its gotta be like those play-dough squeeze press thingies.. drop bread in.. push it through a square just alittle smaller than the loaf and boom.. no crust..
<AliasN> bah, kids these days...why when *I* was a kid we simply did not eat our crusts...we threw them out for the birds, thus continuing the circle of life...
<Kyol> Sam: Note that one of the arguments for a bread machine is false - making bread in the morning _sucks_.
<Kyol> You end up waking up to the smell of bread that's still a good hour or two away from eating.
<Samwise> When *I* was a kid, we ate the crusts because we were told to, and we feared our parents. Well, one of them.
<hockeyfag> I was never given the option of skipping the crusts.. I just ate them..
<mdxi> i always just hated the bottom crust
<AliasN> I live near Dempsters, a Bread Factory, er, bakery, er whatever. It's great to come home to the smell of warm toast. Much nicer than that rendering plant I used to live near.
<Samwise> Bottom... crust? You mean the heel?
<hockeyfag> I hated the heels of the loaf.. otherwise I didn't mind it
<mdxi> no, i mean the bottom crust. the side which is all crumbly.
<CrazyClimber> i'm a freak - i never cared about crusts
<Samwise> Start making sense, boy.
<Kyol> No, no, I understand the southerner.
<mdxi> BOTTOM
<mdxi> NOT THE TOP
<mdxi> imagina loaf of bread, L
<mdxi> loaf L is baked in a pan, P
<mdxi> P has three sides, which we shall name, in clockwise manner, P', P'', and P'''
<mdxi> P is open at the TOP
<mdxi> P'' is the BOTTOM
<CrazyClimber> and two other sides,apparently
<mdxi> loaf L is contact with all three sides, but for reasons i cannot explain, sides L' and L''' come out smooth
<Samwise> You're not explaining anything I didn't know.
<mdxi> while L'', the BOTTOM, is crumbly
<CrazyClimber> how can a bread pan have only three sides?
<mdxi> L'' is the BOTTOM CRUST
<Samwise> You are insane, aren't you?
<AliasN> hey, that gives me an idea for a great new supervillain...Crust...Guy. He goes around making little kids eat the crusts of their pb&j's. He is unstoppable, because he has the support of all the parents! Evil!
<CrazyClimber> unless you're thinking "underside, inside, and outside," but you said something about naming them clockwise
<mdxi> CrazyClimber: i'm dealing with a cross section
<CrazyClimber> you can't be, cross sections don't have clockwise
<mdxi> along the minor axis
<SeanQ> lenghtwise or widthwise?
<Samwise> You can *tell* the difference between sides of a slice of bread? And hate one because it's "too crumbley"?
<mdxi> you *can't*?
<SeanQ> ah, thank you for defining your terms
<Leth> ok, I'm officially lost
<Leth> back where there were certain sides to a loaf of bread, when they're esentially round
<Samwise> damn, shawn; if you were 60, they'd put you in a home for saying stuff like that.
<mdxi> you started it. cornfucker.
<hockeyfag> the bottom side is the opposite of the side that is domed..
<hockeyfag> thats how you can tell the difference
<Samwise> I didn't start being freaky about crust crumbliness.
<AliasN> you are all doomed...doomed to eat your crusts as soon as CrustGuy gets here.
<CrazyClimber> yeah, i can only assume that someone carefully sanded the side crusts of shawn's childhood sandwiches
<mdxi> maybe you all have some kind of corn-pone rough-ground midwesterner bread out there
<mdxi> around here we use wheat
<Samwise> But they left the bottom with crumbs! Why am I tormented with these accursed CRUMBS?!?
<CrazyClimber> i grew up in new england, where you'd also be viewed as a lunatic
<mdxi> you mean where "scrapple" comes from
<mdxi> yeah, let's trust your judgement
<AliasN> CrustGuy will be here very shortly...he's just got a doctor's appointment he's got to go to, then he'll be available to MAKE YOU EAT IT!
<CrazyClimber> good lord, wave your food ignorance flag like a pride day banner
<Samwise> So, if someone drops a piece of cornbread on your doormat, are you unable to enter or leave the house for fear of the crumbs?
<CrazyClimber> scrapple is from pennsylvania
<mdxi> is pennsylvania not new england?
<CrazyClimber> ok, wave your food and geography ignorance flag like a big batch of pride day banners
<Leth> um
* hockeyfag hands out rainbow flags
<Samwise> Not to mention that corn pone is unheard of in nebraska.
<AliasN> how about Johnny Bread?
<CrazyClimber> that's crustguy's secret identity
<mdxi> it's unhead of everywhere except the writings of Mark Twain
<CrazyClimber> he's dead, isn't he?
<Leth> greatly exxaggerated etc
<Samwise> the extra x is for "extra"
<Leth> nah, it's for "goddamned piece of shit laptop keyboard"
<CrazyClimber> maybe there's some crumbs in there, leth
<SeanQ> so do you have similar crustophopic tendencies toward the denser breads. shawn?
<hockeyfag> I ate some pita bread last night at a greek restaurant.. it stayed down, which was a bit of a surprise.. makes me quite happy.
<SeanQ> like, if we blindfolded you and handed you a slice of pumpernickel, would you be able to tel which three sides to bite into and which to run from screaming?
<Samwise> I'd love to see him take on a piece of crumb cake.
<Kyol> Damn you, Sean. Now I wanna go to the restuarant where they serve what is, I swear, a cranberry poundcake, but they call it "bread".
* CrazyClimber throws himself between shawn and the evil streusel
<mdxi> all of this was when i was a small child. the same time as when the rest of you were refusing to eat any crusts at all.
<Leth> I never had a problem with crusts, actually
<SeanQ> nor I
<CrazyClimber> same here
<mdxi> the people talking about it at the beginning of the thread did
<hockeyfag> I always ate the crusts on my bread
<SeanQ> I mean, look at me, do I look like I ever left anything on my plate?
<SeanQ> sometimes I wouldn't even leave the plate
<AliasN> I didn't eat my crusts, Shawn, but only when the bread was stale
<hockeyfag> I do agree. When I was younger very little survived if it was presented to me on a plate
<Leth> and besides, rumor has it she was a girl
<SeanQ> but enough about me, let's get back to the psychopath who is assigning variables to breadpans
<Samwise> I ate crusts. Didn't muc hlike them, but hey, I didn't much like a number of things I had to eat. Brussels sprouts spring to mind.
<AliasN> I had nightmares of CrustGuy coming to my house and stuffing three weeks' worth of crusts down my was horrible, horrible.
<Samwise> Alias, you should get powdered toast man to help.
<SeanQ> can you write a script to check your bread? like "if$[foo,P'',crust$] then{run.screaming}.exp"
<mdxi> don't blame me. i had to explain what "bottom" meant to the nebraskan who thought it meant "ends". i thought mathematical notation would be clearest.
<SeanQ> I think sam understands the term 'bottom' all too well
<Leth> huh, funny, someone who goes to great length to assign variables to cross-sections of baking gear would have issues with the part of bread that might drop crumbs and didn't meet specific criteria for goodness
<CrazyClimber> well, at least disliking the heels of breads is vaguely kid-world rational
<Samwise> Simply because I've never noticed a distinction between sides of a slice of bread, and assumed you were saying something that made sense.
<Kyol> Oh, I still don't particularly like the heels. I don't make sandwiches with 'em.
<SeanQ> don't blame shawn if you're going turh life with blinders on, sam
<mdxi> you're all just jealous of the elegance of my explanation
<Samwise> Blinders... blinders made of BREAD!
<AliasN> I think it might be Scottish in origin
<SeanQ> sometimes inlife you have to stop and examine every square inch of a loaf of Wonder Enriched White
<Samwise> Mmmm, the official bread of White Trash everywhere.
* SeanQ pictures a 7-yr-old Shawn with a loaf of bread and a Sharpie trying to explain to his Mom why he won't eat his Fluffernutter sammich
<CrazyClimber> it's a good thing you aren't a geek, otherwise you would have taken einstein to heart and turned your bread upside down so the bottom was on the top
<hockeyfag> what if a sandwich was made, and the top slice was the correct way, and the bottom slice was upsidedown.. would you be prevented from eating 2 of the crusts since they're stuck together with PBJ?
<Samwise> there's a correct way?
<Samwise> Well, probably for shawn, I guess.
<hockeyfag> well, right side up.. dome away.. then the other slice dome towards you
<Kyol> I always used to love PB & Honey sandwiches, coz the honey would, like, crystallize in the bread. Narf!
<Samwise> "OK, now put the first slice on the pla - NO! TURN IT! TURN IT, YOU FOOL!"
<hockeyfag> I used to eat just honey sandwiches
<AliasN> who are you, Pooh?
<Samwise> PB, honey and banana slices. Mmmmmmm.
<Kyol> I want someone to come up with a way of keeping fruit... viable? for longer. I'm thinking on the order of 6 months here.
* CrazyClimber revokes kyol's "good eats" fan club membership
<AliasN> "Honey, where did all the apples go?" "I had to throw them out. They were no longer viable."
<Kyol> I like bananna slices on cereal every now and then, but never with enough warning to actually _buy_ nanners ahead of time and still have them non-rotten by the time I want them.
<mdxi> btw: now, i eat the bottom crust *first*, so as to prevent it from interfereing with the remainder of the sammich experience. and this only applies to mass-produced white bread, which is fairly crap all the way around
<hockeyfag> I'll be doing a truck tour of the US so that should be interesting.. no more busfare ;)
<CrazyClimber> now, imagine that the truck, T, is filled with loaves, L
<hockeyfag> If the rig's arockin' don't come aknockin'
<Samwise> and is driven by fag F
<AliasN> what about BJ, B and the Bear, also B?
<mdxi> BJ is where you come in
<SeanQ> in this case, BJ and the Bear are one person
<Leth> actually BJ is the variable for Why The Truck Is At Rest
<mdxi> Bear is represented by F
<CrazyClimber> and it's a constant

Heather Garvey / Raven /
I want to submit a log!