Man, crowley's spinning in his mausoleum
<Lore> This...bothers me.
<Lore> But not for the reason you might think.
<Kyol> With good reason.
<agent_orange> goddamn hippies
<Kyol> It's a disney book?
<Lore> Actually, I think it's the lack of goddamn hippies that bothers me.
<ristoril> it's the socks isn't it?
<Kyol> Wicca - the multicultural religion!
<ristoril> or do you call them 'stockings' when they go up that far?
<agent_orange> all the hot little chickies dig wicca
<Lore> The advertising of Wicca with fresh-faced hottie hardbodies just seems wrong.
<Kyol> Well, there is that.
<ristoril> and pseudo gay men
<Kyol> gay is assumed with preppies, I thought.
<hockeyfag> I've met Silver Ravenwolf. Pretty nice woman
* zompist imagines lore looking through LAAAAAAAA.jpg and finally getting to that one
<Lore> I thought one of the selling points of wicca is that nobody gives a shit about your abs.
<agent_orange> the names make me crazy
<SoiledGreen> actually, i thought Wicca evolved among abs.
<SoiledGreen> i was never sure.
<mdxi> i need a |<-1337 name like "Silver Ravenwolf"
<MageTed> that what the recruiters will tell you, anyway
<PyroP> hey, since when was the yin-yang wiccan?
<MageTed> s/that/that's we're not into ebonics jest yet
<Samwise> wicca has recruiters?
<Samwise> I've never seen them going door to door...
<agent_orange> wolf this and wolf that and for god's sake, there are more birds in the world than ravens (no offense)
<mdxi> "Tungsten Crowdog"?...no...
<Lore> Silver Aukwolf?
<Kyol> Wolves? Just Big Feral Dogs. What's the BFD?
<SoiledGreen> shawn: "Dungmaster Flash".
<keith> Wasn't "Teen Witch" the name of a crappy 80s movie?
<hockeyfag> wicca doesn't go out and try to convert people.
<mdxi> "Molybdenum Budgiecoyote"?
<zompist> Molybdenum Roosterpanther
<zompist> partial jinx
<ristoril> but scarier somehowe
<ristoril> than a normal jinx
<Samwise> yeah, I see that word maybe twice a year, and you jinxed on it.
<MageTed> goldie hummingbirdtrout
<agent_orange> I knew a little wiccachick named kestrel.
<agent_orange> she was a knob too, but at least she was original
<Lore> Instead, they try to get you to buy stupid books with hottie bardbodies on the cover.
<Kyol> Uranium Pigeonmarmot?
<Lore> Although I suppose they might be bardbodies as well.
<PyroP> Magnesium Squirrelcrow
<mdxi> because we're both HORRIBLE DORKS
<zompist> brunching toy: wicca name generator. can i have $20 for that?
<agent_orange> Aluminum Tits
<Lore> I think it's been done. Let me check.
<mdxi> Dances With Ferrets
<keith> Dunno about going back to the name generator. How could you top the Mr. T Name Generator?
<Lore> Yeah, it's been done.
* zompist sends elessacar.com a bill
<Lore> "Berry Moist-Heathen"
<jacquilyn> Have you ever considered changing your name to Norm, Lore?
<Lore> Anyhow, at least this book answers the eternal question: No, nothing is sacred.
<Samwise> I think Lore departs from the Norm.
<mdxi> "Lore" is a good start for a dirty hippie name
<agent_orange> Brass Boobies
<Lore> Not even religions which were invented in order to return the sacred to a sacriligious world.
<zompist> hey, if wicca is no longer taken seriously, what is there to live for?
<MageTed> Lore is a good start for a wicca name too
<Lore> Lore Condoraardwolf.
* zompist thinks he missed the time when wicca was taken seriously, however
<hockeyfag> god.. I've forgotten my wicca name
<MageTed> elvenlore halfshinestar
<mdxi> "Absalom Lorescribe"
<SoiledGreen> Lorenadian Backwaterfisher.
<Lore> I could translate my last name into English: "Lore Lake-Mountain"
<agent_orange> my wicca name is ethel
<ristoril> don't mind me, i'm madly scribbling down my future AD&D characters' names
<zompist> i wouldn't join it unless they gave me a spell for flying.
<zompist> you know, air wicca
<SoiledGreen> hmmm.. that's a good idea for shoes, zomp.
<keith> Could we go back to that picture again.
<mdxi> agent_orange: SUX 2 B U
<keith> Is the person second from a left a guy or a girl?
<Lore> Although now that I notice it, that redhead is quite alluring.
<Lore> If this was real wicca, a girl.
<Lore> But on this cover, a guy.
<hockeyfag> hey.. lots of guys are in wicca :P
<Lore> Wasn't the point.
<ristoril> only fa....
<ristoril> err... nm
<hockeyfag> rist :P
<MageTed> they may seem to be...
<keith> I see they made a multicultural attempt
<Lore> Yeah, all they need it an attractive person in a wheelchair with no unsightly drool cups.
* zompist wonders how many chinese chicklets are into wicca AND bare midriffs
<jacquilyn> Now there's a porn page them, zmp.
<agent_orange> Sabrina, the Teenaged Whore
<Lore> They've also included all major wiccan symbols: the yin-yang, the crescent moon, stars, a pentagram, and overalls.
<SoiledGreen> China Chi - Teenage Wiccan Slut... next on FOX!
<zompist> i'm surprised no one's wearing a crucifix.
<Lore> That's the first time I've ever seen a stomach with camel toe.
<MageTed> lore: so that's what i missed. the pentagram.
<Lore> And no ankhkh.
<zompist> the guy has a head way too small for his body
<Lore> Would it have killed them to give Golden Boy an anhkhkhk?
<MageTed> perspective, zomp
<keith> "this book is geared for teens, addressing the truths and myths about witchcraft in light of the issues that teens face, from school to parents to peer pressure"
<zompist> no way,he's closer than the slutty black girl
<Lore> Gaia loves denim.
<MageTed> but he's leaning waaay back.
<MageTed> to prove he's not gay
<zompist> no, i think he's a survivor of the wicca head-shrinking ritual
<keith> oh my god
<keith> "Mama Silver (as she is often called) does an admirable job of presenting this information in a manner to which younger readers can relate, while still meeting the needs of the high-school senior."
<agent_orange> "Reeking Hippie Mushhead," as she is often called...
<MageTed> when i was a high school senior i was reading . . . um . . . well, not kids' books anyway
<zompist> oh, you're just jealous of hippies' hair, agto
<Lore> I'm guessing Lead Wiccan shaves her legs.
<Lore> This is like a New-Age Archies.
<keith> "I bought this title for my granddaughters, ages 10 and 14.Both of them are studying the book to find answers to some basicquestions about the Craft."
<Lore> Such as "Are miniskirts in?"
<keith> "This is a great book for seekers, or anyone interested in the craft. It has tons of info on everything! I would recommend it to all my friends, and I have read it at lest 5 times!"
<MageTed> what does The Craft have to do with Wicca? i thought that movie was about satanism...
<zompist> "how can i find a group of multicultural yet sexually attractive young wiccans? all the ones i know are white and pasty."
<agent_orange> "What's this I hear about the naked sock hop samhain mixer?"
<keith> "How can I combine my keen eye for fashion with my keen mind for spellcraft?"
* zompist would commend wicca on its predilection for nude ceremony, but then he's never really seen a clergyperson he wants to see naked
<mdxi> actually, i'm 95% sure i've seen this book in a store
<agent_orange> me too
<hockeyfag> her books are usually at barnes & noble
<agent_orange> "How to Pick Up Wicca Chicks"
<keith> I don't think I know anything about wicca other than I once met a guy who said he could almost make it rain. And I asked him if he knew any real spells. And he was like "Hold my hand." And I did. And then he said "Did you feel that?" And I said, "Feel what?" And he said, "That?". And I said "Your hand?" And he said no and got angry and walked off muttering a hex under his breath.
<jacquilyn> Which explains all kinds of things about you, keith. You're just cursed.
<agent_orange> He was giving you the secret handshake and you blew it
<zompist> should've given him the mason handshake
<agent_orange> slap your pecker in his hand: "feel THAT?"
<Lore> "Almost" make it rain?
<MageTed> that sounds more like he was giving you the "secret handshake" and you blew it
<MageTed> *wink* 8wink*
<agent_orange> "I cam ALMOST get it up"
<keith> I was at Hooters last night with a friend, and his friend called him up drunk to complain about a girl. He said "She's all mystical and shit. I mean, she can see auras. That's pretty impressive, right?"
<Lore> Was he trying to make it rain but he couldn't, or does he have the very reliable power to almost make it rain?
<zompist> "i can almost curse people."
<mdxi> i see dead people
<zompist> "i'm working on the spell to almost turn people into toads."
<Lore> Because if it's going to rain, and instead you make it almost rain, that could be handy.
<keith> Lore, he said he was a witch. And I said "Oh really? Can you make it rain?" And he said "Almost."
<hockeyfag> I can do some lighter weight spells..
<hockeyfag> I've been practicing for about 4 years
<spinn> I can see almost dead people.
<Lore> Can you almost make it rain?
<MageTed> you mean you can make things lighter?
<keith> Me too.
<keith> I use the magical light switch.
<spinn> you too?
<Samwise> I can make things heavier.
<agent_orange> I can almost fly, for certain values of "fly"
<Lore> I can make myself heavier.
<keith> Oh damn, I mean. The Magickal Light Switch of Light
<Samwise> Well, by "things", I mean me.
<MageTed> i can make it rain over my toilet.
<agent_orange> I ca make it very, very difficult for each and every one of you.
<zompist> i can make it rain, but only if warm and cold fronts are colliding nearby
<Lore> I can curse a blue streak.
<keith> I can make myself cry. Does that count?
<Lore> I can bless people if they've recently sneezed.
<keith> OK, tell me if this is magic. If I make a girl cry using nothing but words.
<Lore> Oh, and I can cast Prismatic Sphere.
<MageTed> does a blue streak count as a cold front then?
<mdxi> *baby jeses metajoke*
<mdxi> Lore: Otiluke 0wnz j00
<Lore> Doo-dah, doo-dah.
<agent_orange> nice trick
<keith> Lore, if we combine your Prismatic Sphere with my Magic Missile, then we could probably kill some Ogres.
<jacquilyn> Grr. My mother still hasn't paid her share of the mastercard bill.
<jacquilyn> We are rapidly approaching the credit limit on that damned card and I want it bloody paid off.
<spinn> jacq's mom can cast Infuriate Daughter
<agent_orange> a ninth personality! extraordinary!
<zompist> god-damned blue streak! fucking blue streak!
<CrazyClimber> terrible haiku, zomp
<Lore> Oh, please. Prismatic sphere is ninth level. I don't need your stinking magic missile.
<keith> Did you check out the other books by Silver Ravenwolf?
<MageTed> wow, zomp can do it too!
<zompist> was that a request?
<Lore> Do they include "Toddler Witch" and "Fetus Witch"?
<keith> "To Ride a Silver Broomstick : New Generation Witchcraft"
<Samwise> Plus, prismatic sphere isn't all that impressive if they just avoid it.
<keith> "To Stir a Magick Cauldron : A Witch's Guide to Casting and Conjuring "
<Lore> "Everything you need to make magick. Extra k included at no extra charge!"
<keith> Angels: Companions in Magick
<PyroP> keith: "to ride a silver broomstick" sounds like a vibrator euphemism.
<spinn> the annoying thing about teaching a fetus to be a witch is that the don't pay attention very well
<spinn> plus it's hard to light candles in there
<keith> Oh, this is a useful one
<keith> "To Light a Sacred Flame : Practical Witchcraft for the Millennium "
<zompist> isn't there a witchcraft for dummies book?
<Lore> I don't cast magick. "Magyck" is much more powerful.
<zompist> not as much as majyck
<MageTed> the millennium? as in, the second coming? how un-wicca.
<keith> Oh my god, did you miss the companion item for "Teen Witch"?
<keith> The Teen Witch Kit
<keith> "Everything you need to make magick!"
<spinn> Magyck? hah! we have, well, I'd tell you, but putting the syllables together in the right combination will rupture my larnyx.
<MageTed> wow, they conjured their friends into thin air.
<Lore> "Always after me lucky totems!"
<spinn> man, crowley's spinning in his mausoleum
<keith> oh my god
<keith> this is ridiculous
<keith> The final half of the book is dedicated to teenage spells, including a spell "to find direction in life and stop drifting," "for shopping guidance," "to cope with peer pressure," and "to be a gracious leader." The kit and easy-to-assemble altar includes numerous charms, such as a "silver moon pendant" (for protection), prosperity coin, quartz crystal, and gold wish cord
<spinn> keith, what's the page url for that?
<Lore> "Blue crystals, yellow bondage ropes, gold spiral doohickeys, gold moon doohickeys, um, hey, I'm into free love."
<MageTed> what's the thing with a circle and four horns?
<CrazyClimber> sounds more like a list of the marshmallows in Lucky Charms.
<keith> There's a spell "for shopping guidance"
<CrazyClimber> which /are/ magically delicious.
<Lore> "I cast magic mall directory!"
<keith> This is too good. I might have to buy this.
<MageTed> two crescent moons? this kit isn't even astronomically correct!
<SoiledGreen> "i must concern the gods about this new dress!"
<keith> don't forget the easy-to-assemble altar
<Lore> "Where's the Cinnabon, Gaia?"
<zompist> aren't the muslims pissed over teen witch stealing their crescent?
<Lore> Is the first step in the "find direction in life and stop drifting" spell "Put this stupid mass-market self-parody down and go get a summer job"?
<keith> Is anyone here wicca?
<Lore> I think hock is.
<Lore> He keeps hinting at it.
<spinn> he all fell apart when you tried getting some real discussion out of him
<keith> lore, me too
<CrazyClimber> i dated one briefly.
<keith> But I think she wasn't wicca when I was dating her.
<spinn> got all angry
<Kyol> I knew a practicing pagan/wiccan, I never could quite tell.
<keith> Unless wiccas can deal drugs and cheat on you with ex-boyfriends.
<MageTed> i looked into wicca--oh yeah! THAT'S what i was reading in my senior year of high school!
<zompist> well, hell, you're a mage.
<MageTed> well, the "insane" part precedes the "mage" and "ted" parts.
<Lore> That's all part of the shopping guidance spell.
<keith> Doesn't "pagan" just refer to anyone that isn't christian?
<Lore> Depends on who's saying it.
<zompist> is there a spell for spelling?
<Lore> Did I ever sing you guys "Neopagan Girls"?
<keith> I would have a hard time subscribing to any religion that involves casting spells.
<keith> I mean, I barely ever believe that recipes will work. Nevermind spells.
<Lore> What religions don't?
<zompist> i wouldn't subscribe to any religion that accepted me as a member
<MageTed> hmm, i have always been good at spelling...
<keith> Lore, I dunno, I'm not really a big fan of religions
<Lore> I mean, they may call them "sacraments" or "brises," but it's all the same.
<zompist> ooh, there's a thought. what genital mutilation rituals do wiccans have?
<MageTed> i think taoism might not have any spells
<keith> But, it seems that are some very sensible forms of buddhism. I just prefer being an Apathetic
<Lore> Cutting off patriarchal peeners.
<raven> Taoism is a philosophy, not a religion.
<Lore> Depending on the wiccan.
<keith> And don't forget "secular humanism", which seems pretty stupid for entirely different reasons
<raven> If you assume a religion requires a god or god-like being.
<zompist> buddhism doesn't, technically, have gods
<MageTed> can't it sub for religion though?
<MageTed> i don't assume that
<keith> Since anything described as "secular" is by definition not a religion
<Lore> Only in the American League.
<MageTed> and i kind of wish more people didn't asssume it
<MageTed> "secular humanism" wants to be the antithesis and opponent of religion, but takes it a little far
<keith> Maybe we could form a renegade branch of wicca that has no gods or spells. Just nude ceremonies and expensive artifacts.
<Lore> Sounds like my freshman year.
<CrazyClimber> and books, for funding
* zompist counts the spinnoffs he wants to see naked
<zompist> mmm. nah.
<MageTed> keith, i think it's been done
<Lore> s/wants to see/can't stop picturing/
<keith> See, I always just thought of Wicca as funny. Something like Scientology is actually scary
* Samwise reminds zomp of the agto/hock/samwise sumo match
<zompist> in sumo they have loincloths. THANK GOD
<MageTed> huh. why would they have pausanias and not hesychios?
<agent_orange> not in nudo sumo!
<zompist> 'cos it's the pausania that refreshes
* CrazyClimber lines up the pay-per-view rights
<Samwise> *STOMP* *STOMP* *fwap*
<Lore> I'm not convinced their members would be visible in any case.
<MageTed> zomp, those aren't plurals, they're greek nominatives.
<zompist> i didn't think agto was that large.
<Samwise> zomp: no, not really, but he was willing.
<Samwise> Lore: guess what the aspiring wrestlers get to do for the established ones.
<Lore> Oil them down?
* zompist reminds everyone that further mental images of agto/hock/samwise's members can only lead to spiritual degradation
<Samwise> Nope. See, the really big wrestlers can't reach their behinds....
<Lore> Uh-huh. Pull the other one, Sam.
<Samwise> I'm being serious.
<zompist> couldn't they just apply some oil to a chair, then wallow in it?
<Lore> Okay, finish what you were saying. If it's "wiping their asses," I'm leaving metaphorically.
* Samwise metaphorically says it
<zompist> hot body-oil source, of course
<Samwise> Shiro Fujiwara
<CrazyClimber> well, their butts, lore
<Samwise> his uncle was a wrestler.
<Lore> Oh, we're talking sumo, then. I thought for some reason we had moved to professional.
<Samwise> I stayed with him while I was in japan.
<Lore> Have the Japanese failed to understand the concept of the bidet?
<Kyol> They've failed to comprehend the concept of a toilet, from the pictures I've seen.
<Samwise> *shrug* You'd think they were more advanced... till you see their "toilets".
<zompist> oh come now. the japanese have invented bidets that give you a full-body massae, a fruit smoothie, and a french kiss.
<Kyol> And we KNOW the web doesn't LIE, don't we.
<Samwise> But thankfully, lots of places had western-style toilets.
<MageTed> do they use them, or just export them?
<Samwise> I never figured out which way to face while squatting over the "trough".
<MageTed> (for zompist, not samwise)
<agent_orange> I'm not all THAT large
<agent_orange> although I AM a big load
<zompist> what size pants, agto?
* zompist likes quantification of this kind of slur
<Samwise> agt: yeah, I'd sooner take you on than Leth. 'Specially if he'd been drinking.
<agent_orange> but I'm not, like, daytime tv talk show large
* agent_orange , midful of truth-in-advertising laws, amends his size to pinto pony
<CrazyClimber> at least he isn't a ford pinto... flames would shoot out from his butt
<CrazyClimber> um, never mind
<Lore> Okay, here's a question: how do the large, but aspiring sumos get cleaned up?
<Samwise> Got me, Lore.
<MageTed> wow, thanks, CC. now i can go without dinner.
<raven> lore : lots of floss.
<zompist> or: by the small aspiring sumos
<raven> heh, and there's one very small, very stinky aspiring sumo.
<CrazyClimber> maybe they have lots of carpeting
<spinn> "large, but aspiring"? what, implying they don't have attentants with rags on sticks?
* zompist realizes he isn't quite clear on what this service is: cleaning, oiling, trim & shave, what?
<zompist> "Disney's The Littlest Sumo. This summer."
<ristoril> wiccan sumos?
<Samwise> Hey, if sumo wrestlers would become wiccan, they could almost wipe their own asses.
<Lore> Given that there are many technological options for the huge to wipe themselves, whether or not they're sumo wrestlers, one would have to assume that the alleged ass-wiping is essentially ceremonial.
<Lore> If that's the right word.
<Samwise> Lore: yes, if it is still going on. I don't know if hygeine advances have made the practice obsolete yet.
<Lore> "Implemented for social reasons, not out of necessity."
<zompist> it's just part of the web of humiliation that's an essential part of being a primate.
<Lore> So I'm skeptical, that's all I'm saying.
<CrazyClimber> how does schumin compare to a sumo wrestler?
<zompist> less athletic?
<CrazyClimber> i just mean in, say, reach.
<zompist> marginally better command of english?
<zompist> less oily?
<zompist> more disgusting in a loincloth?
<Lore> Stupider haircut.
<MageTed> "schumo wrestler"?
<hockeyfag> ugh.. I walk away for afew minutes, and I miss all the fun
<zompist> which fun did you want to get in on?
<hockeyfag> all the wicca talk continued..
<hockeyfag> I have "to ride a silver broomstick" and "to stir a magick cauldron" by Silver
<spinn> that makes extra sense if silver is a guy
<MageTed> that would be "to ride silver's broomstick"
<hockeyfag> if you're really interested, I do recommend the first book
<agent_orange> I have to "unleash a brown broomstick"
<Lore> "To rake in phat loot"
<Lore> "to take money from a silver nitwit"