"Mazda. Doubleyou doubleyou jay..." [arch eyebrow] "...drive?"
<jacquilyn> Good christ Mazdas web site is slow.
<agent_orange> Smite it in thy infinite mercy
<Samwise> "Find the most heavenly deals on earth, right here at Good Christ Mazdas!"
<Robbbbb> Sales of biblical proportions!
<Samwise> "All warranty claims filled within 3 days; you'll *never* get double-crossed!"
<Machival> "and on the third day, god created the tribute, and it got 30 miles/gallon."
<babich> is double crossed when they crusify you on the front and back, so your in a crusifix sammich?
<spinn> no, it's when they crucify your dead body out of spite
<Samwise> "Is your old car's radiator starting to whine?"
<jacquilyn> Okay, that's it, I'm not buying a Mazda.
<Machival> "buy a Mazda and, for a limited time, have all your sins forgiven!"
<agent_orange> "Mazda. It's what Jesus would drive, were He alive today."
<Samwise> "Just behind Little Caesar's pizza. (we do not validate parking)"
<babich> The 2002 Creator. Drive omnipotently!
<Machival> "and, yea, God cameth down from the heavens and said unto them, 'drive this vehicle, and all will be well.' And there was much rejoicing."
<agent_orange> Auto Pilate standard
<Leth> "Stigmata? No problem! Optional Extra-wide gearshift available!"
<tieboy> I feel like this joke has been done previously, but <ME><
<Gayo> "Runs so smooth you'll feel like you're walking on water."
<CrazyClimber> "The 2002 Mazda. So you can see them coming 33 years ahead."
<spinn> "Mazda. Doubleyou doubleyou jay..." [arch eyebrow] "...drive?"
<agent_orange> "The new covenant with the Lord, now with 1.9 APR financing to saved buyers."
<Leth> "In the beginning, there was the Miata... and it was good."
<CrazyClimber> "The 2002 Mazda. If you want to be the 2000-year-old guy in the passing lane with his left signal on."
<Machival> "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Mazda."
<tieboy> "Chevy may be 'Like a Rock', but Maza is like a rock so big even God couldn't move it."
<Leth> "Complete with the three-day drive train resurrection warantee!"
<Robbbbb> Mazda service department: all repairs take 3 days
<agent_orange> "Eloi, eloi, lama sabachmazda saleathon!"
<Gayo> "This isn't your father, Lord in Heaven's oldsmobile."
<agent_orange> "Forgive them, Father, they know not what deals they make!"
<spinn> oh by the way, uh three days for the drive train and resurrection too
<tieboy> "Scotchgarded seat coverings, so those leper's scabs won't leave a mark."
<spinn> "in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy christ what a bargain!"
<raven> "Mene mene teckel u-drivin'!"
<Leth> "[ES: Large crown gathered, chanting up at a window, camera pans the crowd] We want Barrabas! We want Barraba- ooohh! We want Miata! We want Miata!"
<spinn> I'm guessing thirty pieces of silver must be in scrollback somewhere already
<Machival> a message from the church of jesus christ of latter-day motor vehicles.
<raven> greg : nope.
<Leth> spinn: damn the scrollback, full speed ahead
<PyroP> "Wow, wandering in the dezert for fourty years will be a breeze with this air conditioning..."
<agent_orange> "Love thy neghbor as you love theyself, and change your oil once in a while, woudja?"
<spinn> well, funny thing happened on the way to the car dealership with thirty pieces of silver
<Leth> "Blessed are those who DRIVE AWAY WITH OUR LOW LOW FINANCING!"
<raven> "They never would have crucified him if he'd entered Jerusalem in a Mazda!"
<agent_orange> "Three times before the cock crows, Peter will forget where we parked."
<Samwise> "Suffer the kids to come in on Saturday and get free balloons!"
<Robbbbb> Free frankencense and Myrrh with each test drive!
<tieboy> "Inspire Envy"
<Leth> "Plenty of trunk space for all your loaves and fishes!"
<Machival> "Thou cannot taketh it with you... unless it's a Mazda Miata."
<Elkman> "Come with me, Peter, and I will make you a fisher of GREAT DEALS!"
<agent_orange> "We're washing our hands of high prices!"
<Samwise> "Mazda DESTROYS the Ford Tempo in performance tests!"
<Robbbbb> Even Mary Magdalene can't get them for a lower price!
<Leth> "Take this offer and read it. This is at my loss, savings given up to you."
<tieboy> "We put the Mass in Massive Savings!"
<agent_orange> "Crucifinal Closeouts!"
<Leth> oh, forgot <bells ring> at the end of my last one
<Machival> "When supper was ended, he took the keys, gave them to his disciples and said: 'take these, all of you, and drive my car. this is the car of your lord, the car of everlasting life. it will be driven for you and for all so that sins may be forgiven. do this in memory of me.'"
<agent_orange> "I'll rub waste valuable ointment on your feet if you'll only come in for a test drive!"
<spinn> "and jebezehem begat rehenda, and rehenda begat joshua, and joshua begat melchezedek, and melchezedek begat eli, and eli begat jacob, and jacob begat elohim, and elohim begat lucas, and lucas begat jehaim. all in the back seat of this vintage cadillac."
<CrazyClimber> "And your choice -- manual or automatic transubstantiation!"
<agent_orange> "That's your final price? .. well, let me go talk to my boss and see if I can get him to see it your way..." (RUMMMBLEKRRAASH!) "...He said no."
<agent_orange> "Forget tyring to bring that Lazarustbucket back to life! Comne try a new Mazda INRI for 2002!"
<CrazyClimber> "If tihs Volkswagen can't part the Red Sea, you can just drive across!"
<tieboy> "Read the Good Book. The Good *Blue* Book."
<Elkman> "OK, so you don't have enough faith to walk on water. But with the Ford Extinction, you can drive right through it!"
<wabewalkr> Heh. Reminds me of WTBR's "What If God Made Endorsements?": "Come down to Yahweh Motors, right next to the Burning Bush!"
<tieboy> "And come on down to AAMCO. Double A (2 harp sounds) MCO."
<Machival> o/~ what if god drove Mazda cars? o/~
<Samwise> I've been seeing it the whole time... maybe one of those home-grown deals, where the owner thinks he can act in commercials... they're at the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread, an SUV crashes through the (obviously fake) wall, Jesus tries to look overly surprised
<Leth> "And on the second day, God seperated the heavens and the earth. He called this a sunroof, and made it a FREEOPTION on every car you buy!"
<Samwise> "And when he made the seventh deal, there was much shouting in heaven - for these INCREDIBLE DEALS!"
<Machival> "Sicketh of thy unholy emissions? cleanse thyself and buy a Miata!"
<agent_orange> "We're driving nails (CHINK!) through high prices! This little beauty lists for $29,000 -- but for YOU (CHINK!) only 19,950!"
<spinn> heheh, I'm digging that earlier barabas one
<spinn> that one I can see as one of those high-class professional tv ads
<Robbbbb> "For unto us the 2002 models are born; unto us huge deals are given!!!!"
<spinn> pulling away barabas at the end and he's just saying "No. Wait. No."
<Leth> yeah, should cut to a Miata in a clomun of light before the chant changes
<tieboy> "The days of rubber crutches and handbaskets are over... now Christ travels in style."
<agent_orange> "Tired of carrying the cross of high payments?"
<spinn> "we're lowering our prices for the third time!"
<Robbbbb> "For god so loved the world, he gave his only-begotten son to offer great deals on leather seats and sunroof packages
<CrazyClimber> "When Jesus chased the bankers from the temples, we brought 'em RIGHT IN HERE to give you GREAT DEALS!"
<spinn> "And on the seventh day, God said: ROADTRIP!" [toyota]
<agent_orange> Jesus Wept WHEN HE SAW HOW LOW WEVE CUT PRICES!
<Robbbbb> And our used cars are IMMACULATE!
<agent_orange> The boss is outta town and we're in a price cutting schism!
<Samwise> "...that's a savings *anyone* can see!" *blindguystumblesaroundcar*
<wabewalkr> How about The Price is Sacred: "And on the seventh day, God rested... IN THIS FABULOUS SUV!" <cue music>
<Leth> "Look for the big tongues of flames for even MORE savings!"
<agent_orange> "COnversion vans welcome."
<spinn> "Father, why hast though forsaken me?" [reverb] "What? Huh? Oh, sorry, son, but did you see this options package?"
<Elkman> "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to drive in green pastures; he leadeth me to open highways. Yea, though I drive through the shadow of the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for OnStar art with me, thy cell phone and GPS they comfort me."
<wabewalkr> The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt offer 0% financing!
<Robbbbb> Let he who is without sin pay full sticker price!
<Elkman> "My car, my car, why hast thou forsaken me?"
<Gayo> <Jesus slams open the doors to the a church> "You have turned my father's house into a den of thieves!" <church interior is full of wavy flags and cars for sale> Salesman: "You're right about that, because these prices are a STEAL!" <exterior shot...Jesus busts out the front doors of the church in an SUV wearing shades...pause as his face flashes by the camera and he gives the 'thumbs-up'.> MAZDA: SACRELIGIOUS
<Samwise> "I went to another dealership for a ride I could take into Jerusalem. All I got for my trouble was a sore ass."
<wabewalkr> No credit? No job? No soul? Come to us!
<agent_orange> "The judgement day is coming and we've gotta get these 2001s OUTTA HERE!"
<tieboy> "Enough room for the Four Horsemen... *and* their horses!"
<CrazyClimber> "You'll get to Calvary in style totin' yer cross in the back of this Chevy pickup!"
<spinn> mm, scene with a guy with sores, a missing leg, no hair, a bandaged arm, maybe standing around a few freshly dug graves.
<spinn> he looks up to the heavens, starts weeping openly
<spinn> slows down a bit, squints his eyes, there's a glint of light
<spinn> turns out to be something that falls to the ground in front of him
<Samwise> And he says "Hey, where's the cream filling?"
<spinn> it's an Oldsmobile key with a keyring that says "Job: Sorry about that. --God"
<spinn> looks up, there's the car
<wabewalkr> "I ain't gonna sell my soul for a muffler!"
<agent_orange> 3 weeping women roll back stone from jesus' crypt -- he's not there -- they look at each other, puzzled; cut to shot of jesus driving new 626 across sun-dappled country roads, hooting.
<spinn> throwing nails behind him
<spinn> or, oh, maybe a shroud
<agent_orange> flings shroud out of sunroof
<Samwise> Or, he zooms along, and the camera stops and watches him drive off as the shroud falls to the ground
<spinn> these would all be excellent ina gritty sepia tone
<tieboy> "Judas... did you adjust the seats and mirrors??"
<Samwise> Damn. This could *work*.
<spinn> I know, couldn't it?
<Samwise> But it'll be years before people will accept it.
<spinn> fft, if ever
<Robbbbb> especially the Jews
<agent_orange> "I wandered the desert for forty days ... and only had to gas up once!"
<spinn> it's make a great parody tho
<Samwise> Yeah, almost writes itself.
<Elkman> "Before the horn honks today, you will deny me three times."
<Robbbbb> "Come talk to our salesmen: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John"
<tieboy> He could pass by Budda whose car is broken down
<Samwise> Man, think of the controversy you could cause with these.
<Machival> "o/~ Jesus Christ... Superstar... look at him driving that fancy car... o/~"
<Samwise> "Shoulda used Cohen's nails"
<Gayo> Yeah. people would be all "would jesus REALLY buy a mazda?".
<spinn> well, we'd have to make up a car company
<spinn> what's a good name?
<agent_orange> tieboy: "If you see the buddha on the road, give him a lift."
<spinn> not too obviousl, like Salvation or something
<raven> Heh, Moses hauling stones for the pyramid with a 4x4. "Ford Truck...Let Your People Go."
<Machival> Divine Auto
* jeeb shakes the psychic purple sphere...
<jeeb> It says 'Sure,' Machival
<agent_orange> a miracle!
<spinn> well apparently it's Divine
<Samwise> Yup. Can't argue with divine providence there.
<spinn> maybe that's a model, tho
<raven> The Intervention!
<spinn> the all new 2002 Intervention
<spinn> has a ring to it
<CrazyClimber> i kinda like the sound of "Deity Motors"
<agent_orange> 0 to 60 ... in an *eternity*
<spinn> yeah, deity motors
<CrazyClimber> "Now at your local Deity Dealer."
<spinn> I'll take that
<tieboy> Heathen resistant side panels and bumpers
<Gayo> tie, that's where you show the guy trying to thrust the spear of longinius into the side of the truck and it breaks.
<spinn> there's what keith can do
<Samwise> I *so* hope.
<spinn> commercial for the Deity Intervention
<tieboy> 'Radiator Fluid and Holy Water Only'
<Samwise> "Bring in coupon from your Sunday paper for instant redemption!"
<Elkman> And the customers would be invited to put their hands into the grille, door, and the tailpipe if they were doubting Thomases.
<TMR> Communion wafers and grape juice for the kids!
<CrazyClimber> "This man was going to buy a Saturn. But we locked him in a room and talked it over with him until he understoof his mistake. He's a Deity Intervention driver now."
<Robbbbb> 4-wheel drive provides excellent traction when driving over palm fronds
<tieboy> "Don't let vapor lock 'plague' you."
<Samwise> Yeah, that could be another commercial in this marketing series... the shot where you can't see the driver, no sound, slow mo, of a big SUV driving over palm fronds as they're laid down
<agent_orange> "Folks, this is Judy, and this is her *first new car*!" (staff begin to gibber in tongues and fall to floor, twitching)
<CrazyClimber> "New for 2002: The Deity Ascension"
<tieboy> The Isuzu Afterlife
<agent_orange> "Gabba aabba! We accept you! we accept you! one of us!"
<Elkman> Of course, this dealership would probably get competition from the fundie dealership down the street.
<tieboy> "Do you accept Jesus as your savior? Do you deny Satan, Chrysler, General Motors, Honda, Lexus..."
<CrazyClimber> "The road to hell is paved with potholes -- but our 2002 Deity Spirit has the best suspension on earth!"
<Robbbbb> Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been 5 months since my last oil change...
<agent_orange> "The power of a two liter v-6 compels you! The power of a two liter v-6 compels you!"
<Samwise> "With 3 fold-out seats and room for 12"
<agent_orange> print ad: long shot of the new Intervention at Cavalry. copy: "Hey. There's one of those green ones."
<CrazyClimber> (annoying pop song from last year playing faintly in the background) "What if God were one of us? He'd be driving a new Honda too!"
<Elkman> And someone would put leaflets in the driver's seats saying "This Was Your Car!"
<tieboy> "With a wafer-holder molded to the dash."
<CrazyClimber> nah, he'd keep the wafers in that little thing meant for the quarters, i bet
<CrazyClimber> "This isn't a cup holder... it's a grail holder!"
<Samwise> I... can't.... must....
<TMR> Drives over water!
<Samwise> background for the cheesier commercials: o/~ I don't care if it rains or freezes... o/~
<CrazyClimber> eh, should've gone with "Now comes with passenger side grail holder!"
<Elkman> "Dark Garages: I don't want to be Elfstar any more! I want to drive a 2002 Deity!"
<agent_orange> Jesus Christ Rent-a-Car
<Samwise> "My car won't start! Jesus Christ!" *ping* "Someone need a rental?"
<tieboy> Our new SUV, the 2002 Leviathan
<Samwise> With seven different horns
<Robbbbb> "If Mary had had a backseat as spacious as this, she wouldn't have been a virgin for long!"
<spinn> heheh. okay, loading up the ark, and noah's wife tells him there's not enough room--he looks outside and there's two unicorns, two manticores, two centaurs, and two 2002 Ascensions
<spinn> cut to a scene with Noah admiring the leather interior with a pair of ducks and a mongoose
<TMR> "Kick the apatosauruses out and get those Ascensions on here!"
<Samwise> Well, maybe the manticores are a bit obscure...
<Robbbbb> sigh. we're all going to hell.
<spinn> dragons, then
<Samwise> Yeah, then back out to a shot of the Ascentions in the ark, sound of thunder.
<babich> You could have the Arc in the middle of the ocean with the Ascension doing donuts around it, with those water tread tires on.
<tieboy> "Our Father, who parked in Heaven..."
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