...file a grievance with the Department of Testicles...


<Lore> I need a reality check.
<zompist> you're not in reality.
<zompist> you're in california
<Lore> Are there any people here who, if unarmed and faced with a guy with a drawn gun a few feet away demanding their purse and/or wallet, would not hand over said purse and/or wallet?
<zompist> oooh ooh i know this one. is there a brick wall between me and the guy?
<Lore> No, it's not a trick question.
<zompist> is it just a drawn picture of a gun?
<Lore> You're being held up by a guy with a gun.
<AliasN> am I drunk at the time?
<ristoril> is there a hot chick i need to impress?
<Lore> Let's assume you have your wits about you.
<ristoril> so, no
<Lore> Say you're alone.
<ristoril> i'd probably hand it over and try to assault him as he went away
<zompist> you are in a dark alley. there is a gunman here. there is a jack benny joke here.
<Lore> Really.
<AliasN> oh, whatever, dufus. Hot girl or not you'd be blubbering like a little girl with a skinned knee.
<ristoril> I feel that my karate training *could* help in that situation, but I'd rather not risk it over cash
<zompist> btw i think the answer is obvious so i prefer to riff
<Lore> Ow!
<Lore> Shit, when I read the words "my karate," my eyes involuntarily roll REALLY HARD.
<tieboy> you karate will never help you do anything
<Lore> Anyhow, anyone besides rist going to attack the guy?
<SeanQ> lore, if you wanna borrow money, just ask, dude
<AliasN> I've only ever been confronted with a guy with a gun once in my life and if that is any indication, then I'll run like a jackrabbit
<AliasN> (it turned out not to actually even be a gun)
<ristoril> maybe wired forwarded his internship to the gumbas
<zompist> did you get shot like a jackrabbit?
<tieboy> I'm sure I'd pass everything right over
<Lore> The reason I ask is that I'm reading a discussion in the D&D newsgroup that's dumb even for a discussion in a D&D newsgroup.
<bobslunchin> i didn't
<AliasN> well, I was in a car and I slammed on the gas as hard as I could
<tieboy> wallet is almost always empty anyway
<bobslunchin> guy just let me go and walked off
<zwit> Did you run him over?
<Lore> Wherein at least two people are saying how they'd charge the guy, and berating anyone who says different.
<AliasN> might be different on foot. I'm sure I'd hand everything over.
<Lore> You didn't which?
<zwit> show him my empty wallet. "Look, I have eighty-five cents and a subway pass. You want 'em?"
<Lore> You didn't hand it over?
<bobslunchin> hand over the wa -- yeah
<bobslunchin> he didn't ask for it and i didn't offer
<Lore> But you didn't charge him, either.
<Lore> Uh.
<bobslunchin> well, no, he was holding me too tightly
<ristoril> "hey, you! I've got a gun!"
<ristoril> "ok."
<Lore> So what we he doing?
<ristoril> "well, see you later, then."
<bobslunchin> and i have only tracy's word that he was holding a gun to my head
<Lore> Yikes.
<agent_orange> he could have what was in my wallet, my pockets, and in my intestines and bladder, for that matter
<bobslunchin> well, in her version of the story, she ran off and called 911, and she didn't do that at all, so i'm suspicious
<Lore> Are you going to tell us what was going on, or are you going to continue to create a surreal collage of memory.
<bobslunchin> that's pretty much all i know
<ristoril> he got back to his gang and they were like, "so dude, how much did you make on your first job?" "shit!"
<bobslunchin> she and i were walking down the street, these two kids were walking the other way, when they reached us one grabbed me and according to tracy later held a gun to my head, they stayed there for a minute, then walked off
<agent_orange> I did have a guy pull a gun on me once, in detroit
<agent_orange> cab driver
<Lore> Anyhow, in the face of these guys saying "Well of COURSE you charge the guy! What are you, an IDIOT?" I wanted to make sure that my reaction was not unusual.
<agent_orange> got in a little too quick for his liking
<agent_orange> <clickCLICK> "destination?"
<Lore> They weren't saying it to me, I was just reading the discussion.
<zompist> i had a guy come right into my house and break one of my chairs
<Lore> Heheheh.
<agent_orange> "Uhm ... some store with underwear, please."
<zompist> lore, wild guess: these guys have never put their plan into practice?
<AliasN> a cab in Detroit. Have a deathwish, do you?
<ristoril> just to be clear, though, i'd give him the wallet
<Lore> At least one of them has charged people who MIGHT have been armed, he didn't know.
<ristoril> i just might try something if i thought i could do it
<zwit> Guns make me nervous.
<agent_orange> Gun is trump
<agent_orange> if he had a knife, eh, depends
<tieboy> some advice, rist? guys with guns won't stand there like the air you punch in karate class
<Lore> I can see going either way on the knife.
<agent_orange> I've never been overfond of life
<tieboy> and announcing your punch with a KEEYAHHH is a bad idea
<AliasN> that's not a knife. THIS is a knife.
<Lore> I wouldn't mess with a knife, either, but I can see giving it a shot.
<agent_orange> if there's no gun then it depends on the guy, not the weapon
<ristoril> tie - this is assuming he lets his guard down
<agent_orange> unless, you know, active flamethrower or something
<ristoril> if he's got the gun pointed at me the whole time, then more money for him
<AliasN> I'd try the age-old "pretend to come on to him until he's not looking then escape" method. Works every time.
<tieboy> at what point will he let his guard down?
<agent_orange> so far
<Lore> What would you do if there were three unarmed guys with big muscles? Think you could take them?
<ristoril> i'd hope around the time he's got my wallet and is leaving
<tieboy> "GIMME YOUR WALLET! until you do, I'll be over hear reading this magazine"
<agent_orange> after rist goes, "Look! A sheepdog!"
<zwit> a sheepdog? Where!
<agent_orange> Hiii-YAH
<ristoril> three unarmed guys with big muscles i'd probably just run
<bobslunchin> "a bunny! quick! chase it!"
<ristoril> or kick one in the nuts and try to take the other two
<AliasN> owowowowow! that hurt. Here's my wallet!
<Lore> What about one unarmed guy with big mucles with a holstered gun?
<agent_orange> Lore: I'm not real smart, but I tend not to stop once I get going
<ristoril> i think that depends on how lucky I feel, punk
<Lore> Oh, I'm mostly jsut asking rist, now.
<tieboy> I think if they don't have any weapons, they're gonna have to take it from me.
<Lore> I want him to paint me a picture of him tracking down the guy who killed his Uncle Ben.
<ristoril> yeah some guy showing me a gun in a holster if he's close enough for me to crush his trachia isn't going to impress me
<ristoril> or, kick him in the nuts
<agent_orange> see, that's why I carry a bat everywhere
<agent_orange> in case I run into some asshole with a black belt who thinks he can go all steven segal on my ass without me noticing and bashing his fucking brains in first
<bobslunchin> i'm such a pussy that any of you could've had my wallet for the asking at a GTG
<AliasN> I would hope that other people would be there so that I would try to stay calm for their sake. Otherwise it's pretty much be a sad spectacle.
<Lore> I'd love to know if kicking in the nuts is as sure-fire as action comedies make it seem. But not by having it tried on me.
<Lore> I'm sure if you connect it's quite nasty.
<ristoril> if nothing else it's a good distraction while you try to get a hold of an arm or something
<Lore> But guys in movies seem to have wide stances and no reflexes.
<Freyja> with some guys, it just pissed them off more
<AliasN> as a girl, I can say that kicking a guy in the nuts works pretty much every time
<zwit> unless he has friends.
<agent_orange> I had the great pleasure of watching an old roomate's umpteenth-degree black bet karate innstructor get his ass kicked by a biker many years ago
<Lore> Alanis: Every time you try, or every time you connect?
<ristoril> as someone who spars without a cup against people who also don't have cups, it works even when you don't mean to
<AliasN> but, I only ever did that in grade school, so I can't say for a grown man
<bobslunchin> my only knowledge of the results comes from that king of the hill episode where bobby kept doing it
<AliasN> oh, connect, I guess
<ristoril> also, i've heard that it hurts on a woman - although not as much
<agent_orange> go for the ovaries
<AliasN> but that is usually the advice any girl gets in an attack situation. Go for the balls, then run like hell.
<ristoril> either way it's a good distraction
<Freyja> eh.
<Lore> Yeah, the pain part I don't disagree with. I've had a couple near misses that weren't pleasant nonetheless.
<Freyja> I mean, I'd probably get incapacitated laughing at your lack of grasp of basic anatomy
<Freyja> so maybe you could get away
<bobslunchin> someone fondling my balls is going to distract me much more than someone kicking them
<SeanQ> in your case, rist, I'd pretty much gtuarantee anything you try to stick between a woman's legs will make her cry
<AliasN> heheh
<tieboy> godamnnsnkkkt
<zwit> well, does anyone here have a gun of their own?
<Freyja> please. I'm canadian
<Freyja> I have a whistle
<ristoril> if some chick is trying to steal my wallet, i'd just tell her it's in my front pocket
<agent_orange> "Ah, no wonder you're bleeding! They've gone and cut your cock off!"
<tieboy> I've never even held a gun. I want to go shoot stuff one of these days
<agent_orange> I bet leth has lots of guns
<ristoril> I own a non-functioning but very old bb gun
<ristoril> should make a very good club
<Lore> There just seems to be this kind of urban-legendy sense I've gotten over the idea I sometimes see that pretty much any attempt to file a grievance with the Department of Testicles is going to stop any attack.
<agent_orange> lore: what?
<Lore> Guns are lots of fun when target shooting.
<ristoril> yes indeed, i almost feel bad for being a liberal when i go shooting
<SeanQ> oh, you know, having two young kids, I can attest to even an inadvertent nut-attack being pretty effective
<Lore> Agto: Lemme try again.
<agent_orange> could you make that sentence less precise for me
<AliasN> no, Lore, they may not stop it, but it might give you a minute to get out of the range of an attack.
<Lore> I sometimes hear people speaking as if, in a fight against a man, you will always win if you go for the groin.
<agent_orange> ah
<agent_orange> not so
<ristoril> unless *they* go for *your* groin at the same time.
<AliasN> like I said, it's not about winning, it's about getting away
<ristoril> then hilarity ensues
<agent_orange> I think eyes are more effective
<Lore> And, honor aside, I can't help but imagine if that was true all fighting techniques throughout history would be groin-oriented.
<SeanQ> I would think that unless the guy (1) was drugged out of his mind, or (2) had dated J for a while, you'd be correct, lore
<agent_orange> unless you know some mystical kung-futard
<bobslunchin> pepper spray to the groin gives them an embarrassing stain that makes it look like they peed
<zwit> Japanese Testicle Samurai
<agent_orange> blowing their balls off with a .44 does tend to slow them down
<AliasN> in any scenario I envision with me using that technique it's less about staying around to see who the last person standing is, as it is about giving myself the opportunity to get away with as little damage as possible.
<Lore> The Shaolin Monks wold be all, "Do you want to learn the Floating Groin Technique or the Soaring Groin Technique."
<Freyja> I'd probably go for the eye sockets first.
<Lore> Well, that seems more fair.
<Freyja> it's gender-neutral, anyway
<Freyja> so it's a good reflex to acquire
<AliasN> oh, yes, and there are other fragile areas to hit
<AliasN> eyes, nose, throat
<tieboy> stick your thumb right in the little half-circle at the base of the neck
<AliasN> solar plexus
<Lore> Emotions.
<Lore> Self-image
<SeanQ> if Kyol attacke you, just ruffle his hair
<tieboy> hit someone with a car going over 15 mph
<AliasN> "you call this a stick-up? Pa-thetic!"
<zwit> "Gimme that gun, I'll show you how to do it properly."
<AliasN> personally, I keep my keys sticking out between my fingers when I'm walking at night by myself.
<AliasN> well, key. I really need to get some more.
<tieboy> I run, everywhere, at top speed, shrieking
<ristoril> I thought you guys outlawed crime in Canada
<Lore> I have the Gift of Hugeness.
<Lore> So, knocking wood here, people looking for trouble tend to pick other people.
<tieboy> I hire someone to follow me around and pretend they're mugging me already, to discourage other muggers
<Lore> And women with keys in their hands tend to cross the street even when I'm wearing my Green Lantern T-shirt.
<tieboy> they just don't want to get hit on
<bob> especially if they're wearing yellow
<ristoril> but yeah, if someone seems intent on doing me harm, then I'm going to kick them in the nuts and try to kill them back
<ristoril> "if he sees I have my own car he's *sure* to hit on me!"
<Lore> I'm oddly soothed that Rist is the only one plotting revenge.
<AliasN> it seems fitting
<bob> we know any muggers in TN?
<zwit> How many people have you mugged?
<Lore> "And then, when they put the gun intheir pocket and start counting the money right in front of me...BLAMMO!"
<Lore> "Hiya CHA CHA CHA!"
<ristoril> best you could hope for really is some drunk redneck KKK members
<Lore> "Wax ON, wax OFF! Sand the GROIN!"
<ristoril> but if someone wants to just engage me in spirited fisticuffs, I'll stay away from the groin
<tieboy> "Sure, here's my money... I'll just use this convenient... SAWHORSE GYMKATA!"
<ristoril> although i might be paralyzed by remorse the first time I connected
<ristoril> "oh man, i'm sorry"
<tieboy> any fight you get in is going to become a wrestling match inside of 4 seconds, so don't bother learning kicks and chops
<ristoril> ah lahks tuh wrassle!
<tieboy> what belt are you?
<ristoril> got my brown 3 weeks ago
<bob> he's fan belt
<ristoril> first level, anyway
<ristoril> if the guys ahead of us are any indication it'll be about a year until i get first black
<tieboy> honestly, is this a ploy to impress shil or what?
<ristoril> i've just been interested in martial arts for a long time
<AliasN> bible belt
<ristoril> and tehse guys at work asked me if i wanted to go
<ristoril> so i started going about 2 years ago
<bob> used to be money belt, but he switched to a fanny pack

<agent_orange> http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/issues/01-04/01-04-40-things.htm
<Lore> Well, I've done number 3.
<Lore> And 4. Several times.
<Lore> And 13, to the best of my ability.
<Lore> 16...
<Lore> I'm sure I've tried a hundred different drinks by now.
<Lore> Only about six of them blue, I might add.
<Lore> I don't know if "Wassail" counts as a drinking song.
<agent_orange> Lore: only in fucking West Fagsville, Efltopia
<Lore> What does count as a "traditional drinking song"? Margaritaville?
<ristoril> "Dancing Queen"
<Lore> I've tried absinthe, but please.
<Lore> That's like "Get a tattoo of a Celtic god."
<Lore> Geeksville, baby.
<SeanQ> lessee.. a checklist... 3... 11... 15... 16...
<SeanQ> 24... 32... that's about it
<Lore> So seven of forty. I'm not as much of a lush as I make myself out to be.
<SeanQ> I'mnot much of a drunk, I guess
<AliasN> "Show Me the Way to Go Home"
<tieboy> 4, sort of 8
<SeanQ> and most of those were during my freshman and sophomore years of college
<agent_orange> "waltzing matilda"
<AliasN> I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Had a little drink about an hour ago and it went straight to my head...
<zompist> the national anthem used to be a drinking song
<tieboy> 11, sort of
<Lore> What song do you know, Sean?
<SeanQ> the Irish Drinking Song by Denis Leary
<Lore> I know some drinking songs my dad wrote.
<SeanQ> there's also the Monty Python one
<Lore> One of which is called "I Wanna Get Drunk."
<tieboy> I bought a drink for a big black girl with her "baby-daddy's" name tattooed on her breast. she was out of my league in a couple different ways
<SeanQ> "Immanuel Kant was a real pisant who was very rarely stable..."
<bob> willie nelson also wrote a song titled "I Wanna Get Drunk"
<Lore> Nobody's out of your league if you're funny.
<Freyja> 15/40. That's almost half. I need to work on this.
<SeanQ> I've gotten one date with girls out of my league, but never a second
<Lore> Wow.
<agent_orange> 1,2,3,4,8,9,10,11,12,16,17,19,20,21,22,24,28,33,34,37,39
<Lore> I'd give you another heart on Orkut, Freyja, if I had another to give.
<Lore> Or if I still cared about Orkut.
<agent_orange> I win!
<Freyja> I don't care about Orkut, but I'll take the symbolic heart.
<SeanQ> was that written by the NY Times' Frank Rich?
<AliasN> I'm ashamed to say that I've only got a few of these. I assume 16 is okay for "mother" instead of "father" for girls?
<Lore> What's your score since you got married, Agto?
<agent_orange> big fat zero, sir
<tieboy> 24
<Lore> I've gotten drunk with my father and stoned with my mother.
<SeanQ> maybe the 'drunk with Dad' one for me
<Freyja> heh. here I was feeling like such a deviant for sharing a joint with mom
<Freyja> I didn't know it was common practice
<Lore> Heh. Well, my mom's also my connection.
<agent_orange> ghaa
<agent_orange> tell her I need more crack
<Lore> She knows a lot of hippie folk in Santa Cruz who gorw their own weed. It's good stuff.
<bob> she work in an evidence storage locker?
<tieboy> I got drunk with my parents. It was fun
<SeanQ> you know, if you s/camping/fishing/ I could add #30
<agent_orange> if you can consider abandoning eny pretext and just going and getting plowed around a campfire, I can add 30
<Lore> I have all the parts of a home bar except the place to sit.
<Freyja> oh! 16. forgot I did have a home bar at some point.
<tieboy> I have a hoboish guy $20, but I wasn't drunk
<tieboy> just dumb
<Lore> Did he scrawl the sign for "Gullible temp" on your ass?
<tieboy> no, but he tried to break into my apartment later that night
* agent_orange conjures up the giant bowl that lore must need to fill to get high
<agent_orange> probably looks like a bathroom sink w/ pipes
<Lore> Oh, I'm a complete lightweight.
<SeanQ> agto: it's acereal bowl with the shell of a Crayola marker glues to the side
<agent_orange> tie: he was bringing you change
<AliasN> they get so attached, isn't that cute?
<bob> just his spare nori, that's all
<Lore> I hit "drunk" after two drinks, stay exactly the same fo a good liter, then it's lights out.
<Lore> And similarly with getting stoned.
<Lore> Is taht really true, Chris?
<Lore> The breaking in?
<tieboy> yeah
<agent_orange> two, ounces, stay high fo a good liter, then naptime
<bob> did he have a gun? did you fight him?
<Lore> Heh.
<Lore> "Hits" and "bowl."
<tieboy> called the cops, he left before they got there, and they accused me of lying and berated me for a good 10 minutes
<tieboy> so that was a fun night
<AliasN> did you break a 2 x 4 in front of him with your bare hands?
<agent_orange> or did you just go buns up and kneeling when you head the screwdriver in the window?
<Lore> They did?
<Lore> Where was this?
<tieboy> Orlando
<agent_orange> fag
<tieboy> not Miami, Orlando
<AliasN> he was probably 78 years old
<agent_orange> disney cops
<Lore> They thought you made up a break-in.
<bob> trying to sneak in without waking his 90-year-old wife
<Lore> Why would you do that? Lonely?
<SeanQ> "I'm telling you, officer, Jafar was trying to jimy the window!"
<tieboy> well, I didn't answer the door the first time the cops knocked, because I thought it was the bum
<tieboy> so they got pissed at that
<bob> you're out-pussying rist here, tie
<agent_orange> hm
<Lore> Keep up, Bob. Rist is the commando.
<tieboy> Well, I didn't know karate
<Lore> The rest of us are pussies.
<bob> lore, i suggest that the guys who talk a tough game and then wet their pants are the biggest pussies of all
<Lore> Ah, okay.
<Lore> Well, maybe it was an intimidating bum.
<SeanQ> I wonder what sign he left
<Lore> Maybe it was a Veteran Hobo.

Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com
I want to submit a log!