Cap'n Wacky's Unfortunate Valentine's Cards

<Raven> http://www.capnwacky.com/valentines/valcard1.html
<Raven> #2 is hilarious.
<jacquilyn> I'm getting it without any problem. But I have to say to the first one - hey, I mean, she has two nostrils, what's she bitching about.
<Raven>"Ladies, should a pretty young man wearing a bright pink cowboy hat ever tell you that he wants you to be his valentine, he's not only lying to you, he's also lying to himself.
<Raven> They have a bunch of really weird valentines and comment on them.
<jacquilyn> I'm thinking, on the one with the big red heart face. Like what's with the writing on the knees? Is that some kind of promise to perform oral sex?
<CrzyClmbr> I liked the Batman card.
<CrzyClmbr> But the connection's too flaky here to bother with hammering on the refresh button.
<Raven> Yeah, that one was good.
<TomFish> #13
<Raven> "This is the card to send if you want your boy in the armed forces to get relentlessly ribbed by the rest of the squad before he secretly cries himself to sleep over a mix of humiliation and a desperate longing to be back home with his girl.
<Raven> "By the way, which war was it that we sent the four-year-olds to fight?
<jacquilyn> One of the cupids in #8 seems to have a whip. Is that for that special kind of love?
<TomFish> #14 _I'm_ concerned that the wwriting will be backwards when he brands his cow
<Leth^> That giant heart with the closed eyes is /really/ disturbing
<Raven> 16 *is* too easy.
*** spinn (spinn@spinnwebe.com) has joined channel #spinnwebe
<jacquilyn> #18 says 'funeral at a nudist colony' more than anything else.
<spinn> for those of you not on sw-sic, excellent link here: http://www.capnwacky.com/valentines/valcard1.html
<Raven> "OK, Valentine. I may not be the most attractive person in the world, but compared to this fat cross-eyed freak with his pants across his nipples, I'm Prince Charming. Nice hat too, Otto."
<CrzyClmbr> spinn is pre-lagged !
<jacquilyn> #20 looks like something hitchcock would send.
<Leth^> #25 looks like two male hearts
<Raven> 24. Heh. An Ode To A Cheating Salesman.
<Raven> Those are some pissed off hearts.
<jacquilyn> In 26, is that a halo or a sombrero? And is the little fellow about to get 'som hot Asian action'
<Raven> Who in the hell comes up with these things? #26 - Oh, yeah, that guy has both a fiancee AND two girls fawning all over him. uh-huh
<CrzyClmbr> "Hi honey, thanks for placing that personal ad in the back of the paper!"
<Raven> Hot lesbian action in #28
<jacquilyn> They seem to have dug up a cache of Valentines for swingers.
<Raven> HAHAHAHAHA! Satan's hound in #29.
<jacquilyn> I'm thinking number 29 got a little too excited, hence the placement of the hands for the pic.
<CrzyClmbr> As a demographic, swingers probably spend more on valentines.
<Raven> I never realized how prevalent the faggy cowboy is in valentine themes.
<Raven> Per capita, at least, CC. :)
<jacquilyn> Those faggy cowboys are persuaded to appear in the cards because they are promised they will get the chance to model with the naked little boys.
<Raven> #33 - I love the tagline.
<Leth^> those ribbons are more skillfully placed than Darryl Hannah's hair in Splash!
<Raven> Oh, on the hermaphrodite?
<Raven> #34 - buck naked child racking themselves on a garland.
* zompist is back, and wondering what the heck is going on.
<Raven> http://www.capnwacky.com/valentines/valcard1.html - Gallery of Unfortunate ValDay Cards.
<Leth^> on both the hermaphrodite and the one getting the garland wedgie
<Raven> I found out that Hallmark doesn't think fathers are worthy of love.
<jacquilyn> Oh?
<Raven> I had the damndest time finding a card *just for Dad*.
<jacquilyn> You sent a Valentine to your Dad.
<jacquilyn> How Oedipal of you.
<Leth^> Electra, actually
<Raven> There's a metric arseload of "Mom" and "Mom & Dad" and "My Parents", but none for just "Dad".
<Leth^> </pedantic>
<zompist> just cross out "mom" and write "dad".
<jacquilyn> You're right, Leth, I realied that just after I hit return.
* Leth^ knows all about those complexes from, um, reading a lot and, um, stuff
<zompist> none for "Dad And That Slutty Ho You Married"?
<Raven> Actually, yes. I saw that one.
<CrzyClmbr> "Pop and the Skank. Tonight on Fox."
<jacquilyn> Shit, I just wish Hallmark had a congratulations on your divorce card. A friend of mine has finally left the dumb bastard and I think a card is called for.
<jacquilyn> Or maybe a 'just writing to say I'm willing to testify in the custody hearing if you need a character witness' card.
<tieboy> jaq: there's some "deliver the dis" cards at thespark.com
<tieboy> http://www.thespark.com/cards/dis/
<Leth^> hehe...my friend just went through a really nasty divorce, and his ex sent him a valentine with "I'd have called, but I've been busy with Jim's (the new boyfriend) 10 inch dick!"