(a)bort, (r)etry, (g)runt
<TomtheFish> they time travel every other week in the star trek universe, don't they?
<Raven> Yeah, you'd think they'd just create a handy transporter-like machine with a comfy chair and all.
<Raven> It's hard to maintain the pretense that it's a difficult, dodgy business any more.
<tieboy> Why do they beam to the transporter room and then walk to the bridge. Although I'm sure that's been asked before
<Agent_Orange> why do the shields never ever ever work?
<tieboy> I'd have them beam me everywhere
<tieboy> to the tiolet, the kitchen, across the room
<Leth> actually, couldn't they just sort of beam the dirtsnakes right out of you? No honking required?
<mdxi> hell, why not just beam the dirtsnakes directly from your colon into the sewage system
<tieboy> if i got too heavy from inactivity, they could beam the flab off my ass
<Leth> have some sort of always-open warp under the captain's chair so he never has to leave
<Agent_Orange> "Ay, cap'n there's something stuck inna transporter buffer... ach!"
<Elkman> Maybe some people LIKE to honk out dirtsnakes.
<Leth> "Scotty, beam my refuse directly into the Klingon commander's lunchtray!"
<tieboy> They can simulate it on the holodeck
<tieboy> Computer, run syntho-honk program
* Agent_Orange resolves to start calling the crapper the "holodeck" instead
* Leth goes off to "run a large simulation"
* Agent_Orange moves another 10" Forward
<mdxi> CERT Advisory: Transporter V19R220.127.116.11 is vulnerable to a buffer overflow exploit. This was discovered by Dr. Armand Renquist when he was turned into a small, silver teapot after using a compromised transporter system. A patch is being developed...
<Agent_Orange> MS Transporter 3000
<spinn> imagine that. ms waste disposal transporter.
<spinn> you'd wake up with shit on your alarm clock.
<mdxi> someone ELSE'S shit
<Agent_Orange> Turns out, it's been routing it to the crisper the whole time1
<tieboy> Big Brown Screen of Death
<Agent_Orange> Sorry, this MS_Toilet cannot accept a file of that size. You need to upgrade to MS_Tiolet 3000.0.1
<tieboy> Microsoft Turd?
<Samwise> MS PowerDump
<Agent_Orange> Windows BM
<Leth> Runtime error 237: Disptrns.exe Process aborted, change your underwear.
<spinn> heh. yeah, you rip out your toilet and install it, and then find out the license only lets you manage the dump of one person
*** Leth is now known as BillGates
<BillGates> All anyone would ever need is a 6.4 gallon toilet
*** BillGates is now known as Leth
<Samwise> That's a damn big toilet.
<Agent_Orange> Need to edit that config.piss file
<Samwise> Could handle any "act of congress".
<TomtheFish> ms plunger won't be availible until service pack 3
<Samwise> "We recommend you have a copy of this product's white papers before downloading."
<Leth> Virus detected: Seek medical attention
<Agent_Orange> don't forget to wipedisk
<mdxi> /* insert another variant of an "overflow" joke here */
<Agent_Orange> (a)bort, (r)etry, (g)runt
<Samwise> You may have problems with a small pipeline
<tieboy> requires MSToilet Paper, MS Brush, and Microscoft 2000 flushes 2000
<mdxi> i hear the early versions suffered from severe bottlenecks and the bursty traffic resulted in some pretty nasty backsplash
<Agent_Orange> Pick up a copy of Norton Anit-Pile just to be safe
<mdxi> and MSTP would be that not-at-all absorbent, crinkly, sharp paper too
<mdxi> single-ply only.
<tieboy> And you gotta spin it 10 times before it starts unrolling
<mdxi> you can get up to 8-ply support if you upgrade to MSTP Advanced Wiper
<Samwise> They'll raise a stink because MS bundles its own magazine with every roll.
<tieboy> (little toilet paper roll pops up) "Hi! Looks like you're trying to take a crap! Need any help?"
<Agent_Orange> "are you SURE you want to honk that snake?"
<Elkman> If you click yes, the Shit Wizard comes up.
*** Agent_Orange is now known as The_Shit_Wizard
<mdxi> i need to make a QuickTimeVR panorama of my desk
<tieboy> "Type your question about constipation HERE"
<The_Shit_Wizard> Hocus Bolus!
*** The_Shit_Wizard is now known as Agent_Orange
<Leth> Place shit in path C:\colon\sphincter\toilet\sewer?
<Samwise> Welcome to ShitHelp. Your problem may be caused by not having to take a shit. Check to make sure you need to shit. Did this fix your problem? [Yes] [No, I need to crap so bad my eyes are brown]
<Agent_Orange> Drive D:\Stoma\bag not found. Create new \bag?
<Leth> Norton Colon Utilities
<Samwise> tie...now I want to make a little animated TP roll...
<Elkman> Microsoft Toilet was not flushed properly the last time it was run. Please run ScanSewer now to ensure consistency.
<tieboy> he could fold his paper into amusing shapes
<tieboy> "After peeing, run Spillcheck?"
<Leth> Would you like to format the Colon using Norton Fleet, or manually?
<Samwise> Guaranteed to be less anoying that paperclip & superpup put together.
<mdxi> i can't stand that proprietary GI software. i use GNU Schitt instead...only problem i ever had was one time when i ran out of space in /tmp
<Agent_Orange> Microsoft: We know where *you* need to go today
<mdxi> it was tricky learning how to use fdump the first time though
<Elkman> The only problem is that GNU Schitt needs to be assembled from parts before you can use it. Microsoft Toilet comes with its own installer, but you need to move out of your house and move back in before you can use it.
<Agent_Orange> and firewire, need we add, is *not* for everyone
<Leth> Choose Install Type: Typical (for the general defecator) Minimum (to save space), or Custom (for advanced shitters)
<Leth> does it use the IPFreely transport protocol though?
<Samwise> ! Before flushing, would you like to <S>ave this turd?
<Agent_Orange> Conect using PP Protocol? If so, State age:
|Heather Garvey / Raven / firstname.lastname@example.org||I want to submit a log!|