#spinnwebe Logs : It's all in the presentation.


* tie_boy prints out his payroll report in teeny teeny type, because he knows the Dean's eyes are failing
<zompist> 6 point is always good.
<zompist> unless you have a laser printer-- then, 2 point.
<agent_orange> 6 point shelley andante
<agent_orange> all caps
<zompist> but use lowercase for emphasis.
<zompist> and run bfdify on the text first.
<agent_orange> 4 pt leading
<tie_boy> If only I had an old printer cartridge, so it would be faded
<agent_orange> run it through the fax a few times
<tie_boy> and lots of gray backgrounds in the cells, so it's nice and blurry
<zompist> use a color printer. each letter in a different color, like a letter from a 13-year-old girl.
<agent_orange> and lots and lots of clip art!
<agent_orange> funny!
<agent_orange> brightens up dull old reports!
<zompist> a cartoon figure laughing hilariously, saying "you want it WHEN?"
<CrazyClimber> use the <blink> tag and print it when it's blinked off.
<agent_orange> covert to HaXX0r Sp34k
<zompist> clip art dollar bills next to every mention of payroll figures
<zompist> print just half the report; say the rest is on the web.
<CrazyClimber> claim the a key is broken and you had to use the @ instead.
<tie_boy> i'll represent dollar amounts to 14 decimals
<agent_orange> tellthemyourspacebarisbroken
<zompist> intermix "3" and "7", for security reasons.
<tie_boy> print on dark blue paper; copy
<zompist> report too short? cut and paste!
<CrazyClimber> feed it through the shredder and mention that suspicious guy hanging around when you were printing as you give him the strands.
<zompist> add useless pie charts, like "social security number by copyright date"
<Samwise> Use crayons.
<CrazyClimber> do it in macpaint 1.0.
<zompist> "teacher size by year"
<CrazyClimber> tell him it loses too much if he reads it on the page, so you have to read it to him.
<tie_boy> CLoumn titles: "TOTTAL AMUOUNT PAYD" "BONU$$$"
<zompist> "crosstabs: last digit of salary X temperature"
<tie_boy> 6 point font, then <printscreen>
<agent_orange> Columns: Total Amount Paid; Total Amount Deserved; Difference
<CrazyClimber> tell him the dog ate it.
<zompist> get one of those greeting cards with a music chip; explain that the web version has a midi.
<tie_boy> I could put some black scuff marks on it
<agent_orange> Work in some scatterplots
<CrazyClimber> spray it with Rap Musk.
<agent_orange> 3-D Graphics are vectorrific! Fling that data off the page!
<zompist> make 3-d graphics with clay and spit.
<zompist> two words: payrolldance.com
<agent_orange> I am Tieboy! I pay you! MmmmmmWAH!
<tie_boy> Paperclip: "It looks like you're trying to read this report with your old, clouded eyes! Would you like some help?"
<agent_orange> drop the word "satan" at random into the text
<tie_boy> one word: wingdings
<agent_orange> and make sure you print it on onionskin paper
<zompist> remove all the M, W, and # from the text to save toner.
<agent_orange> set the whole report in zapf dingbats--for security!
<tie_boy> hire courier to carry it the 14 feet from my desk to his office
<agent_orange> throw it at his head
<agent_orange> hard
<Samwise> All monetary values: Drachmas.
<zompist> train fleas to spell out the figures.
<agent_orange> one columnper page, 6 picas wide, 650 pages
<tie_boy> staple all four corners
<Raven> Divide the people into "Naughty" and "Nice".
<CrazyClimber> print out mirror images
<zompist> save it as postscript; print it out as ascii
<agent_orange> convert all monetary values to euros
<agent_orange> print negative, right reading
<tie_boy> hide each page, supply intricate rhyming clues
<zompist> powerpoint, powerpoint, powerpoint!
<tie_boy> deliver on microfiche
<Raven> iambic pentameter
<CrazyClimber> glue the pages to his walls.
<agent_orange> everyone loves a rebus!
<Raven> print it out on post-its and paper his room.
<tie_boy> cut into puzzle pieces
<mdxi> rewrite the data in the form of a
<mdxi> Homeric epic; get grant from NEA
<agent_orange> print on avery labels; stick all over hell.
<CrazyClimber> soak pages in coffee for antique look; tell him you think figures are outdated.
<Raven> Place each page into its own 3-ring binder.
<zompist> here is the payroll / some teachers get too much pay / i took care of that
<Raven> Include a treasure map to the City of Lost Raises
<CrazyClimber> print his face at a 20% tint as a watermark on each page.
<zompist> i shore hope yall dig dis repore whut i rewrote in ebonics
<agent_orange> print on "Hello Kitty" notepads
<zompist> have it calligraphed on ewan macgregor
<tie_boy> hire a monk to hand write it by candlelight
<CrazyClimber> ask him if he wants the version you typed during your tourette's moment
<tie_boy> perform report in interpretive dance in his office
<CrazyClimber> tell him you've almost finished, but you have to slaughter and skin another sheep for the index.
<zompist> hand him blank paper; say it's printed so that only smart people can read the text.
<mdxi> Change each digit to it's corresponding letter (cycle 0 through a sequence of S, N, R, T, O and W) then use those letters as the first letters of every other line of a collection of Shakespearean sonnets
<tie_boy> sign, date and initial every single character
<CrazyClimber> tell him "i'll trade it for your network login"
<tie_boy> use spell-check suggestions for all the foreign names
<zompist> dribble some hand soap on page 3 and handwrite a porn url on top
<agent_orange> Insist on reading it aloud, as loudly as possible, in a fake british accent
<CrazyClimber> randomly slip in pages from the DFC archive
<agent_orange> on page 55: "EXTERMINATE THE BRUTES! DROP THE BOMB!"
<tie_boy> when delivering it, say "Now, where's my hug???"
<CrazyClimber> buy hundreds of Silly Putty eggs, and give it to him backwards
<agent_orange> stuff into pants. say coyly, "wanna sign my check, big boy?"
<zompist> spell out the bottom line on his office wall, in bullets
<Raven> In honor of Easter, crumple each page into a plastic egg and hold a "hunt".
<zompist> complain that janet reno burst in and stole your report at gunpoint
<agent_orange> print it in all caps univers 85 extra black, no spaces, 40pt, so it looks like the liner notes for a ministry album
<tie_boy> deliver each figure on pocket-sized etch-a-sketch
<CrazyClimber> give him blank pages, tell him to hold them over a candle to bring out the lemon juice writing
<agent_orange> write "COLLECTOR'S EDITION" on each page. Sell on ebay.
<zompist> print out screenshots of each page; ask if there's an easier way to print a document.
<agent_orange> one word: flipbook.
<zompist> put black bars on the page; charge extra for this letterboxed version.
<agent_orange> write it on the backs of old envelopes, in a shaky, crabbed hand.
<CrazyClimber> tell him you can't give it to him until he gives you ops
<zompist> print alternate lines on different pages; have him hold them up to the light to read them.
<agent_orange> write the whole thing in e-prime syntax
<CrazyClimber> tell him the c64 is out of memory, and you really need an atari 800
<spinn> write it in lemon juice--and hold to a light bulb! Great project for kids!
<tie_boy> include heavy use of emoticons
<agent_orange> hand him a 5.25" floppy with the data as a WordStar file
<spinn> or an 8" floppy in ebcdic
<CrazyClimber> two words: punch cards.
<zompist> play video games, such that the high scores page spells out your report
<tie_boy> tap it out in morse code on his door
<Kyol> ...in EBCDIC.
<spinn> buy a bridal magazine and put a pinprick under each letter that, when put together, make your report
<CrazyClimber> Call a department meeting. Hand it to him. Leave for the day.
<spinn> schedule the meeting for 4:30. old guys always get sleepy by then.
<agent_orange> roll into tight cone; insert in poopenspigot; back into his office naked, offering report with a *squeak squeak*
<zompist> encase the report in a jar of honey.
<CrazyClimber> Tell him, "I used braille, but then I dropped it and all the bumps flattened out."
<mdxi> buy an old 386 from eBay. install linux. compile the Amiga filesystem module into the kernel. Import the report into LyX, then export as LaTeX. ROT13 the whole thing and use split to make it into a bunch of files, each one 10K. write these to a 5.25 floppy formatted as an Amiga disk.
<spinn> hah! "my guide dog flattened my homework!"
<tie_boy> puppet show!
<agent_orange> green text. red paper.
<mdxi> comedia del'arte
<zompist> insert appropriate bible verses by each table.
<spinn> oh, I know...100-slide powerpoint presentation
<CrazyClimber> Dress as towne crier. start every paragraph with "Hear ye, hear ye!"
<tie_boy> font size: 500. one character per page
<agent_orange> Shockwave!
<spinn> hire kevin meaney to perform the report
<tie_boy> claim i need to recover german Enigma decoder, dash off
<agent_orange> hire a stripper to read it to him during a lap dance
<spinn> hire kevin meaney to read it to him during a lap dance
<Kyol> (shudder)
<CrazyClimber> start every page with "MAKE MONEY FA$T"
<mdxi> take screenshots of each page. paste images into a quicktime movie. email quicktime to boss.
<CrazyClimber> and put "LQQK" near every figure
<zompist> have him log onto #'webe, get each line from jeeb.
<agent_orange> or find one of those talking tiny hateful dogs; laboriously train it over a period of years to read report; keep telling boss, "No, no, this'll be really cool!"
<spinn> well, the key is to put it somewhere where he won't want to see it. so, tell him you finished the report, took a shower, and when you came out, you accidentally sat down on it, and the ink transferred to your scrotum. provide a magnifying glass.
<zompist> everyone likes a singing telegram!
<agent_orange> "Uh, I think i left it in your wife's bedroom at lunch. Just read it when you get home."
<CrazyClimber> "It won't be hard to find using Google if you use the right keywords."
<agent_orange> "It's with your daughter. Hope you can find her before the oxygen runs out."
<zompist> tell him you've encoded it in his screen saver-- he just has to watch it cross-eyed
<CrazyClimber> "I did it as an animated GIF. You have 20 gigs available, right?"
<agent_orange> "I didn't do a report because nobody made ANYTHING this week."
<spinn> oh, yeah, make it a magic eye report
<zompist> hand him last week's report, plus a byte-level diff.
<spinn> put punctuation around it like <a href="http://www.spinnwebe.com/temp/sosa.jpeg">this guy around here</a> does window signs
<agent_orange> "The report is on my hotline server. to download, please go to www.skankporn.com and click on the third banner..."
<spinn> write "I am a fish" a hundred times and pass out
<mdxi> show off advanced Windows training: use OLE to embed hawt asian teen pr0n AVIs on each page, make them play automatically upon viewing.
<agent_orange> run it through PGP. do not include any keys.
<CrazyClimber> cite rebeca posts on every page.
<spinn> clicking on the left nipple returns billing info for tuesday, compared to the mean difference for the last week
<spinn> shave it into the side of his dog
<Kyol> Time to go to Goodwill.
<agent_orange> drop in the phrase "I love you" somewhere around page 4
<zompist> write in a spiral; serve it on a lazy susan.
<spinn> "tuesday: all projects at a standstill. you have magnificent thighs. wednesday, four hours..."
<agent_orange> crayon in spiral scooby-doo notebook
<mdxi> do report in HTML. use javascript stolen from Intel's WebOutfitter site to restrict it to people running Pentium IIIs. Say that InformationWeek says this is all the rage.
<CrazyClimber> type every other line right-to-left so his eyes zigzag wackily as he reads. videotape and show to rest of company.
<mdxi> do report in VRML
<agent_orange> remove prepositions.
<zompist> tell him he has to read it while drinking coffee, 'cos it's java-based.
<CrazyClimber> have lines run vertically on the page. tell him it's your chinese homework.
<spinn> put on vr helmet; make vague, grabbing motions in air; put helmet on boss; when he says he can't see the report, say you'll need a few days to get the kinks out, leave briskly
<agent_orange> Tech manuals as written by tonto: take scsi card from box. put card in computer.
<zompist> come in with a hypodermic-- tell him nanites will transfer the info direct to his brain.
<mdxi> Don't use object or subject verb agree or tense.
<mdxi> Present report as a lasershow multimedia spectacular for the community
<CrazyClimber> Skywriting!
<zompist> can't think of a snappy ending? how about "FUCK YOU"?
<agent_orange> "The report is done sir! Now I just need to find someone to help translate it from the simple yet beautiful language of the Uranian Krill People!"
<agent_orange> "Erehay ishay odaytay's ayrollpay eportray..."
<CrazyClimber> "I had to swallow it to get it past Customs. It should be, um, available in another coupla hours."
<Leth^DrinkingFreeBeer> hire a group of monks to sing it in Gregorian Chant. Latin First, of course.
<spinn> tie him to a table; activate cutting laser that slowly travels towards his head; read report to him; leave room
<agent_orange> Payroll Shmayroll Po-Payroll--PAYROLL!
<tie_boy> deliver in violent, profane rap song
<CrazyClimber> spell out with tinkertoys
<mdxi> encode report as a single line with the information encoded in 2-character pairs by decimal ASCII code: first character is segment length in millimeters, second is angle of bend to delineate segments.
<agent_orange> tie to fish line; leave on desk; yank away as he grabs
<mdxi> provide ruler and protractor for decodeing
<Leth> once it's done, smear red ink across it and tell him he needs red cellophane to read it
<spinn> perl -pi -e 's/payroll/hog anus/gi' report.txt
<zompist> "i losht it while i wersh drinkin. bud i rememme mosh of it. lesseee. seven. nine. payroll taksh...."
<agent_orange> do the whole thing in Jumble cartoons
<spinn> get a friend to type the report with you in microsoft chat; take screencaps and print
<agent_orange> "I paid everyone in wheat, sir! No, sir, I have no idea why I did that!"
<mdxi> use steganography to encode each page in a faked gif of britney spears nude.
<Leth> Make each line's totals in a different foreign currency
<CrazyClimber> Has he enjoyed any ASCII art lately?
<agent_orange> tattoo it on a cadaver. leave on desk.
<zompist> say you have to rewrite it, because since it's the 27th, the numbers 2 and 7 are now taboo.
<spinn> get acrobats to pose in forms of the letters of the report, one at a time
<agent_orange> do it ike you normally do, but make up all the numbers.
<Leth> Have someone read it while getting a root canal. Tape record it and give him the tape. Act shocked when he can't understand it and demand he no longer work there
<agent_orange> get lj to read it while she's getting flogged at a play party
<mdxi> open the report on a mac. have macintalk read it to him over the phone, using the "Bubbles" voice
<zompist> call paper; insert entire report in "legal notice misc."
<spinn> have a baby; record its babbling at 8 months; play recording and say "see! widdle baby is sayin report! awww listen to da widdle baby he's so SMART! oh yes he IS!"
<Leth> replace the room descriptions in Zork with a different page from the report. Don't give him the hint guide
<zompist> put it on a web page; insert javascript to redisplay it when he leaves the page.
<spinn> write it in operatic form in high german. have large, busty german women perform it in small conference rooms.
<Raven> Deliver it via sled dog.
<tie_boy> keep trying to fax it to his private phone line
<Leth> Deliver it inside a sled dog
<zompist> e-mail it to raven.
<CrazyClimber> I bet he loves mimes!
<tie_boy> drag my monitor into his office, disconnecting cables. look surprised when it's not on the screen
<Leth> dic....tate....the....whole...re...port...to...his...dic...ta...phone
<spinn> film it like a high-art obsession commercial; when it's over and he says he doesn't understand it, regard him in a condescending manner
<Raven> Claim you are required to meet ADA guidelines and bring in a sign language interpreter to sign it to him.
<spinn> drop a rock on his head
<zompist> give him the MSTed version.
<Leth> snkkt... Budget by Tieboy Stien
<zompist> come in with a film crew; say they're making a documentary on the writing of the payroll report.
<tie_boy> Tell him I sent it to Hollywood to have it "punched up"
<CrazyClimber> tell him you're not using paper unless you're sure it hasn't been tested on animals
<Raven> tell him you're not using paper unless you're sure it HAS been tested on animals
<tie_boy> Sing it as blues song, have him go "Da-DA-da-da-DUM" after each line
<zompist> insist that he let you watch him read it. whenever his eyes are on the paper, touch yourself.
<agent_orange> dot matrix!
<Leth> "All work and low pay makes you a cheap bastard. All work and low pay makes you a cheap bastard. (repeat ad infinitum)"
<CrazyClimber> "The men's room was out of TP but I think I took that page out."
<spinn> take him out for dinner; get him completely wasted and in a strip club; after he passes out, replace his underwear with a stripper's panties; next day, tell him you gave him the report in between lap dances, and maybe his wife would remember where he put it
<agent_orange> "I already *gave* you the report. Don't you remember? Go look for it."
<tie_boy> "Do you want to know the payroll? (page 42) Do you want to fight the dragon? (page 31)
<zompist> announce "it's done!", then help yourself to the schotch in his bottom drawer.
<zompist> scotch. i'm not dreenkin. onesht.
<agent_orange> delete all the names. attach separate sheet with only names. hours of match-up fun!
<CrazyClimber> In tribute to new Flintstones movie, have bird with sharp beak engrave report on sheets of stone.
<spinn> yeah, and in tribute to crap, make a flinstones sequel
<zompist> connect the pages with bits of filament so you can see which pages he read.
<Leth> put it all in the alphabet magnets on the side of a fridge, have several copies delivered to his office.
<zompist> tell him you can't finish till you buy another magnetic poetry kit-- "business words" edition.
<CrazyClimber> Put a squirting carnation between pages 9 and 10. wait for gleeful chuckles.
<CrazyClimber> spend weeks arranging dominos to spell out the report after they're knocked over.
<spinn> uh, log off and do the damn report
<zompist> tell him you had to delete the report 'cos it was a virus.
<CrazyClimber> someone hasn't read his scrollback.
<CrazyClimber> * tie_boy prints out his payroll report in teeny teeny type, because he knows the Dean's eyes are failing
<spinn> damn.
<spinn> yah, what's worse is that I read that, actually.
<spinn> that sucks. I was still grumpy from agto getting that cool line before I did
<zompist> tell him you're blocking on page 6. cry.
<CrazyClimber> Last line of report: "
<CrazyClimber> "And then they woke up!"
<zompist> "next week i'll give you the REAL figures!"
<Leth> ewww...I'm blocking now because I read the scrollback and can't obliterate the mental image of Kevin Meany from my head
<Leth> thanks spinn
<CrazyClimber> "You were in the war, right? So you still remember semaphore?"
<zompist> balloon animals!
<CrazyClimber> "That other department needed it more, so I traded it for a bottle of Jack."
<zompist> "i bet you've never seen a report in suppository form."
<spinn> I still say you should drop a rock on his head.
<zompist> i think tie disappeared about twenty minutes ago...

Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com
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