#spinnwebe Logs : Superhero Sperm |
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<Mr_Ben> Always fun talking about the sex lives of superheroes, isn't it? :-)
<TheEnigma> Who's up next?
<TheEnigma> Wolverine?
<Mr_Ben> He obviously is a virgin, which explains why he's always so pissed and stressed to the breaking point.
<TheEnigma> If he ever DID have sex, wouldn't he impale the poor girl during a moment of intense passion?
<spinn> snnkt...snnkt...snnkt snnkt snnkt SNNKT SNNKTSNNKTSNNKT
<Mr_Ben> He probably would.
<TheEnigma> "Uhhh yeah, baby, yeahhhh "
<TheEnigma> "Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
<TheEnigma> "Aww, hell."
<spinn> and then nobody had any reaction to my wolverine masturbation joke, which I thought was pretty amusing, but nobody else did
<Mr_Ben> "Damn, I cut her damn head off!"
<MisterQ> There was a great article in the book 'N Space' about how superman could never have sex with a human
<Mr_Ben> Sorry, spinn. Thought that was the sound effects of the claws impaling the woman.
<spinn> yeah, but flying around the earth, reversing its rotation, and turning back time...that's no problem
<TheEnigma> hahaha
<TheEnigma> Precisely
<TheEnigma> Suspend your disbelief, for the love of God!
<MisterQ> Nope, but having his sperm exit out of Lois' head might put a strain in the relationship
<Mr_Ben> If his super orgasm doesn't make Lois combust...
<Mr_Ben> Superman is the Lady Killer! :-)
<spinn> well geez, all ne needs is a flexible titanium condom, and then pull out and whack off at the end
<spinn> besides, who says superman has sperm?
<Mr_Ben> Nobody!
<Mr_Ben> DC doesn't go into THAT much detail about its characters.
<spinn> maybe when he has an orgasm he shoots pure gamma radiation out his schlong
<spinn> I doubt it's been in any of the comics, so who knows
<MisterQ> Lois, the hulk?
<Mr_Ben> That could explain the origin of the Hulk!
<spinn> he grew up as a relatively normal kid, right? that's what the whole aunt/uncle thing was about
<Mr_Ben> Superman was wacking off in the desert...
<spinn> so he probably jerked off a bunch of times when he grew up
<spinn> all sorts of supersperm shooting through the house must've been a dead giveaway
<Mr_Ben> "Clark, why do we always have to replace the toliet when you're done?!"
<spinn> "Clark! Are you making the baby Jesus cry again?" "Sorry, uncle!"
<MisterQ> "Clark, why does the bed glow?"
<TheEnigma> I can't think of anything to type, that's how hard I'm laughing.
<Mr_Ben> spinn, IIRC, those weren't his aunt and uncle, but his adoptive parents.
<spinn> look, if I know enough to make a wolverine masturbation joke, don't you think I'd know that, too?
<Mr_Ben> "Five Smallville girls killed, Clark Kent a suspect..."
<spinn> what, they imported his aunt and uncle on a different spaceship or something?
<MisterQ> Imported Kryptonians, pashaw. Doesn't anyone get local ones these days?
<Mr_Ben> I would if I knew where to find one.
<Mr_Ben> It's not like they come crashing out of the sky all the time.
<spinn> only when convenient for the plot, anyway
<TheEnigma> My friend wanted to add this totally normal comment to the Superman discussion (I've been pasting this stuff to an Instant Message window)
<TheEnigma> Superman's strength is only superhuman when he chooses for it to be. For example, when he opens a door, it doesn't fly a mile behind him, because he opens it slowly, the way he needs to. In the same way, his sperm wouldn't shoot through Lois's head unless he wanted it to....
<TheEnigma> Which, in my mind, adds up to - THE PERFECT MURDER!
<Mr_Ben> I imagine on those wild nights, he'd want to.
<MisterQ> That book suggested that the only way Superman would be able to reproduce is by implanting himself with the fetus, because the super birth would kill any human.
<TheEnigma> What are they going to convict him of, ejaculating her head off?
<Mr_Ben> The judge couldn't hand down a sentence because he'd be laughing his ass off.
<MisterQ> Obviously, your friend hasn't been caught up in the moment of passion
<TheEnigma> Well, she's not male.
<spinn> besides, if that's true, it's only when he's concentrating
<Mr_Ben> Well, at the end of Kingdom Come, Superman knocked up Wonder Woman, so it might be different for regular humans as opposed to Amazons.
<spinn> here he is finally getting it on with lois, and the last thing he's going to be worried about is his high-speed spew coming out the other side of her skull
<Mr_Ben> Superman tripped his nutsak into a frenzy of dikplay.
<MisterQ> And blew up the world
<spinn> oh, christ, see, here we were having a civil conversation
<spinn> and you had to go screw it up
<Mr_Ben> "Nice goin', Superdoofus! Next time, keep your urges to yourself!"
<Samwise> But it certainly would...not to mention that the sperm would have the ability to fly as well, impregnating whatever egg each one saw fit.
<Mr_Ben> So, Superman could conceivably father hundreds of kids at once.
<MisterQ> Or all! "2000 Smallvile girls preagnant. Eggseeking supersperm suspect"
<Samwise> There are millions of sperm in an average load. Consider that. The world would need kryptonite chastity belts.
<Mr_Ben> The population of Smallville exploded from 6,000 to 985,272 after multiple births. Clark Kent, a resident, is said to be responsible for the sudden burst of population.
<MisterQ> Superman beats Wilt Chaimberland's record
<Mr_Ben> Supes did it all in one NIGHT.
<spinn> well, sperm's still pretty stupid, anyway.
<Mr_Ben> "Every sperm is sacred..."
<spinn> which is potentially worse, as there'd be millions of sperm trying to impregnate any damn thing
<spinn> I mean, imagine millions of microscopic horny dogs wanting to hump your legs
<MisterQ> The earth's population has become Kryptonians as was Jal El's master plan!
<Mr_Ben> Maybe it's best that Superman stay a virgin then.
<spinn> and give them the ability to fly and drill through steel
<spinn> god that would suck.
<Samwise> Hmm...normally, they swim kind of aimlessly...but if they *flew* aimlessly instead...
<TheEnigma> MY EYES! MY EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
<spinn> there ya go
<TheEnigma> "Hey, look, airborne tadpolOHHHHHH JESUS!!!!!!! MY FUCKING EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!"
<spinn> all the rogue kryptonians have to do is arrive on earth and beat off mercilessly until the humans are destroyed
<MisterQ> Plauge of alien sperm over Metropolis
<Mr_Ben> It'd work like a breeze!
<spinn> hehe
<TheEnigma> "We will destroy humanity with our eager, stupid super-sperm."
<Samwise> Of course, he could use a kryptonite-laced condom...but I imagine it's hard to keep an erection with the deadliest substance you know on your penis, super or not.
<wabewalkr> I do not want to know who started this conversation.
<spinn> "Citizens of Earth! Bow to my will or I will beat off mercilessly until you are destroyed!"
<Samwise> Heheheh...I just like the phrase "beating off mercilessly"
<Mr_Ben> Who'd reject an ultimatum like that?
<TheEnigma> I was partially to blame
<TheEnigma> Which one got you, Spinn?
<spinn> sam: heheh, yeah, me too.
<spinn> "We will destroy humanity with our eager, stupid super-sperm."
<Mr_Ben> Okay, there's "furiously urinating" and "beating off mercilessly".
<spinn> and prehensile vagina
<spinn> we need a list
<Mr_Ben> We need some more dumb phrases.
<TheEnigma> hehe
<TheEnigma> We do need a list
<Mr_Ben> Oyeah, and "high-speed dick".
<spinn> baha, man.
<hockeyfag> you could use it in tanks.. shoot it out the cannon.. cum rockets
<wabewalkr> Damn, laundry's still damp. BRB.
<TheEnigma> Can't you see the sperm, like stupid little puppies, eagerly flying around slamming into things?
<spinn> my ass is on the floor from overactive laughing
<MisterQ> It's a particle cannon, but the particles have...tails!
<Mr_Ben> Debb's gonna walk in and wonder what the hell's the matter.
<Samwise> I dunno...would they be endowed with x-ray something or other? Could they pick out fertile eggs from 50 yards and *ZOOM* another16-year-old girl's asking "What was THAT?"
<MisterQ> Just tell her it was superman's sperm fault
<Mr_Ben> In that case, intercourse isn't even needed!
<MisterQ> Egg guidence systems!
<Mr_Ben> Every fertile woman within a fifty-mile radius is in imminent danger whenever Superman jerks off!
<Mr_Ben> Glad Raven isn't saving tonight's chat.
<Samwise> I'd just claim someone stole my nick.
[Too late, guys -- Raven]
<spinn> then humanity has to give thanks every day for the super containing powers of Superman's testicles
<Samwise> Well, the super sperm are no match for his super scrotum.
<MisterQ> Scrotor returns?
<spinn> so then aunt and uncle didn't have to say "masturbating makes the baby jesus cry". it's more like "masturbate again, and maybe there will be more than twelve dead like last time"
<TheEnigma> I had to stay quiet there for a while
<TheEnigma> I was laughing too hard to type
<Mr_Ben> Oh, baby Jesus does cry, because he got sperm in his eyes!
<spinn> god, no wonder why superman's always beating on villians. imagine the pressure!
<MisterQ> Baby Jesus Dead. Superman's Supersperm to blame
<Samwise> Makes the baby jesus cry? That's horrible! Was anyone really told that as a pre-teen?
<Mr_Ben> I wasn't.
<MisterQ> not me
<Mr_Ben> Then again, I don't jack off, so I never got any lectures like that.
<Samwise> Wait...what if he went into outer space to spank it? WOuld they lose their sense of direction, and head for the yellow sun?
<MisterQ> I think thats what he must do
<spinn> damn!
<spinn> damnit!
<Mr_Ben> Which explains the Star Child at the end of "2001"...
<spinn> that was my line!
<MisterQ> haha
<spinn> but debb distracted me
<Samwise> Which line?
<Mr_Ben> Okay, who stole spinn's line?
<spinn> oh, yeah, so superman goes to the middle of the sun and jacks off 'cos it's safe
<Samwise> hehehehe
<MisterQ> Now wait a second, if the Baby Jesus goes Blind because he masturbated, would he be able to cry at anyone elses sins?
<spinn> but of course some get out and impregnate whole planets
<spinn> which creates a whole race of supermen...
<spinn> each masturbating furiously
<spinn> aigh!
<spinn> virus!
<MisterQ> But if everyone became 'super', Superman would just be normal
<MisterQ> And could then mate with Lois
<Mr_Ben> No, he'd be "dad".
<Samwise> Interstellar even? Could super sperm bridge the gap between suns, ever searching for more yellow giants?
<spinn> all having 50-pace sperm duels
<Mr_Ben> Can you imagine Superman's kid if he ever has one? "My dad can beat up YOUR dad!" "Yeah, well my dad can beat off faster than YOUR dad!"
<MisterQ> What if it was the Flash's son?
<spinn> well, they have the superspeed, too, y'know
<TheEnigma> Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere we are again!
<Samwise> Also, if everything is so pathetically easy for superman, why is he well-built? Apparently, no feat of strength or speed is taxing...so why is he built?
<spinn> "...3...4...5! Spew!"
<TheEnigma> THAT is how it got started
<TheEnigma> With the Flash
<TheEnigma> Then Wolverine
<spinn> "Whoaaa!"
<TheEnigma> Then Superman for the past half an hour.
<MisterQ> It's all a rich tapestry
<Samwise> sp-TANG...sometimes, that sound happens even if it's *not* the Flash.
<Mr_Ben> Well, Batman is a normal person, so it wouldn't have been as funny talking about him.
<MisterQ> Unless he stores sperm on his utility belt
<Samwise> Wait...a guy who runs around in tights and lives with "boy wonder" is *normal*?!?!
<Mr_Ben> That's not normal, you're right,
<Mr_Ben> "The Dysfunctional Batman"/
<spinn> again...
<spinn> as opposed to every other thing batman does
<Samwise> Holy prehensile vagina, Batman...look at that guy mercilessly masturbating!
Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com
