#spinnwebe Logs : Stan Says Goodbye
<StanXhiao> Christ almighty! The department admin just came by with one of the directors, pointed at my chair and said, "This chair will be empty soon so they (apparently someone in her department) can sit here. It's really tight space, though."
<StanXhiao> They're still here talking, BTW, as I type.
<mdxi> StanXhiao: that's lovely.
<StanXhiao> I swear, I've never worked with such a bunch of wads in my life...and I have plenty of wad-working experience.
<StanXhiao> I think I'mm gonna squeeze a loaf in this chair, keep it warm for them. One of them just said, "Hahaha, we have built-in warm chair detectors!"
<zompist> oh, they are indeed droll.
<SeanQ> stan: turn around and tell them "Nevermind the sticky spot here, I've got a box of Kleenex on back0order from the supply room."
<StanXhiao> uh, she just added, "We're going to miss you. Now when's your last day?"
<zompist> "i won't be here, but the chair won't be empty"
<StanXhiao> warm as toast, Zomp. Warm as stinky tuna on whole-wheat fucking toast.
<StanXhiao> (Times like these I feel pretty lucky to have ol' #spinnwebe at my fingetips)
<zompist> if it was 1960 you'd have to just grin and hope to beat them by a stroke at the golf game.
<Raven> Or beat them with a golf club.
<StanXhiao> Slice of toast, sliced shot, what the fuck
<SeanQ> stan: tomorrow morning get in early and draw a chalk outline by Tuna Lady's cubicle
<StanXhiao> not tuna, I hope
<SeanQ> maybe trace a dolphin next to it
<StanXhiao> Sean: That would require bending down by her cubicle, and I don't think I could hack the odor (she often smells bad).
<StanXhiao> they're telling me to clean the place out...
<StanXhiao> guess I'll go down the hall and get an empty box.
<zompWord> last chance to raid the office supplies!
<TomFish> you'll need somewhere to live
<SeanQ> stan: take the mouse, too
<SeanQ> i bet you show up on Friday and they don't let youin the building
<zompWord> and the speakers
<zompWord> you never know when you can use a phone with extra buttons at home, either.
<SeanQ> tahe the casters off your chair, too
<zompWord> they'll never miss the volume knob.
<TomFish> the women! take all the women!
<StanXhiao> nah, these are crappy offices with crappy supplies
<StanXhiao> and ugly women
<SeanQ> staplers make fine Stocking Stuffers at the holidays
<zompWord> remove the covers from all your manuals.
<StanXhiao> They didn't give me any.
<SeanQ> here's a tip: make a sturdy handle for your box out of SCSI cables
<StanXhiao> I could use more memory...
<SeanQ> take the phone jack out of the wall, tell them you're taking your net access with you
<StanXhiao> nah, I don't need any reminders of this temporary hell
<StanXhiao> I do like the drape-nailing idea, thogh
<TomFish> it's yours
<TomFish> consider it my gift to you
<StanXhiao> but all you really have to do is twist the cords a few times and it gets jammed, and fixing it is beyond the peonie-pusher
<SeanQ> stan: just take the drapes
<StanXhiao> Sean: They're brown, dirty, and ugly.
<zompWord> take all the hanging folder, leaving the contents behind.
<SeanQ> so what, burn 'em if youwant, just as long as they can't close them
<SeanQ> stuff them in the urinal
<zompWord> there are few things more soul-destroying than looking through a departed employee's files for anything that should be kept.
<TomFish> take what's left of your dignety
<StanXhiao> this should all go in a book....
<SeanQ> i'm gonna leave little notes in all of my files when I leave here
<zompWord> leave some pens with no ink in them, and a bunch of 1" pencils
<StanXhiao> "Oops! Nothing in this folder! Freshl;y washed!"
<zompWord> change all your filenames to 8.3
<mdxi> SeanQ: when i left TSYS i added a batch file to my PCs startup routine to tell the next person about all the nonstandard shit i had installed on it and tell them how to get rid of it if they desired
<StanXhiao> You're a nice guy.
<mdxi> then it deleted itself
<zompWord> can you put "Shutdown" into the windows startup folder...?
<SeanQ> stan: change all the filenames to "Tuna0001", "Tuna0002", etc.
<StanXhiao> My last task here is to go through all the Keane (they're the "project management consultants) folders. I'm finding some very interesting documents.
<StanXhiao> Apparently, the company's project manager had Keane do all the work and passed it off as his own.
<mdxi> do what this kid who came in here one day did
<mdxi> open the Word executable in Word and type "DIE YOU FUCKERS!!!!!@#$!@$#!" in it
<StanXhiao> huh, they got paid /real good/, too.
<agt_orang> making discreet copies, stan?
<agt_orang> dozens and dozens of discreet copies to be left hither and thither?
<TomFish> screw discreet
<agt_orang> all of these clever revenge plots may be aesthetically satisfying, but they can't compare to a healthy dump on the receptionist's desk.
<ZompNetsc> fedex a dirt snake to your old boss...?
<TomFish> nothing healthy about what I left on the receptionists desk
<agt_orang> Nats: for the next week, work without shoes, pick your nose, and fart loudly, following each blast with "Oooo! Kiss me again!"
<StanXhiao> so, how does that make the last few days any different?
<SeanQ> or stan, bring a Bible to the office, stand on your chair, and scream out random passages
<agt_orang> that's true. I forgot you were in Texas.
<ZompNetsc> on your last day, start erecting a logpile in your cube.
<agt_orang> at one of my previous jobs, I replaced a woman who had been holding long conversations with god on her phone.
<agt_orang> when someone else would call, she'd put god on hold for a minute.
<StanXhiao> did she leave the number?
<ZompNetsc> replace the toner in the xerox with cocoa.
<agt_orang> or gunpowder
<mdxi> or that blue fluid they always use in maxipad and diaper commercials
<SeanQ> replace the non-dairy creamer with talcum powder
<ZompNetsc> replace the non-dairy creamer with dairy creamer
<agt_orang> make 1000 photocopies of your ass. Disable the xerox machine so it moves and lights up and makes the right noises, but no copy is made. Fill the paper trays with ass copies.
<SeanQ> or Plaster of Paris
<agt_orang> replace the non-dairy creamer with gunpowder
<ZompNetsc> replace the low-fat butter with lard
<agt_orang> cut all the herion with mandrax
<CrzyClmbr> replace the can of tuna with a bar of dial.
<SeanQ> remove the sliders from your drawers
<SeanQ> or just remmove your drawers entirely
<agt_orang> he does that already, every night at 6:30
<ZompNetsc> stan's drawers have their own white castle?
<agt_orang> sliders--a new euphemism!
<SeanQ> superglue your desk drawers shut
<CrzyClmbr> butput the open cans of tuna in them first
<ZompNetsc> leave a ham sandwich inside your pc
<agt_orang> glue them in upside down
<ZompNetsc> twist everybody's phone cords ever more than they are.
<agt_orang> I have found that used kitty litter does not flush down toilets efficiently. perhaps you could turn my misfortune to your advantage.
<SeanQ> remove the speakers from all of the phone receivers
<CrzyClmbr> how much do you use a day, agt?
<StanXhiao> The phones are black, so is axle grease.
<SeanQ> agt-o: does it get all caught under your fingernails, too?
<agt_orang> kinda gritty, you know?
* CrzyClmbr always buys the flushable kind.
* agt_orang does _now_
<CrzyClmbr> stan - are the desks in your area back to back?
<StanXhiao> nope, we're set up like bus seats
<StanXhiao> all looking out the front window, er, drapes
<CrzyClmbr> bummer. back-to-back, you could switch all the cables so that one person's keyboard, mouse, etc. are hooked up to the PC of the person facing them
<SeanQ> stan: pimento loaf also works well in your CD-R drive
<StanXhiao> and tasty!
<ZompNetsc> if you're feeling *really* vicious... decapitate everyone's desk mascots.
<Kyol> Like that's take much on _my_ desk - all of my action figures have removable heads.
<Leth^> heh, you could do what someone here did. Switch all the DCHP-using machines down one subnet.