#spinnwebe Logs : The Family Star Wars Circus Trek

SWHC


<Da_Raven> Heh. "Welcome to Masterpiece Theater. Tonight, we bring you The Family Star Wars Circus Trek."
<MisterQ> Stardate 666.666 , here in the Gamma Quardrant, we have been abducted by a psychic fern to a strange planet. A planet of....
<sol-D> Unearthly, oblong shaped creatures, reminiscent of 20th century glass.. er... neverminds. WE hope that...
<TheEnigma> ...we can locate and destroy the Keanes. If we are unable to accomplish this task, our future will be grim indeed. Perhaps we should explain. The Keanes....
<TMR> ...are a bunch of sick bastards.
<wabewalkr> The horrible result of centuries of inbreeding between the accidents of late 20th century genetic research. Their twisted skeletons and cystic cerebrums made their skulls distinctively melon-shaped. "Ensign?" I asked my curvaceous assistant, "Ensign, I need you to ..."
<zompist> "...get the computer files from that computer on the top shelf up there, where the computer files live." ensign mary sue smiled, saluted, and shimmied up the ladder.
<Da_Raven> This was Ensign Sue's first day on the job, and she just knew she'd make Lieutenant before the story was over. Bending over in her miniskirted outfit, Mary felt the Captain's eyes on her perfect body. She downloaded the files into a memory cube faster than anyone else and handed it to the Captain, flashing a little cleavage.
<MisterQ> The Captain, entransed by Mary Sue's cleavage almost forgot about the data cube, and the other ensign underneath his terminal desk. "Thank you very much, Mary Sue. I have a feeling that you won't be one of the expendable ensigns this trip." Ensign Carne shuddered under the captains terminal. What if that means she would become expandible. She had to come up with a plan fast!
<sol-D> She clambored out from under the terminal, hitting her head on the captains chair, and making her way, dizzily, to her feet. Anger flashed across the Captains face, then embarrasement as the rest of the crew turned towards him, eyebrows cocked. "Sir, capatina, Sir!" She shouted, "May I speak breifly? I come from this planet. I know where all of the..er.. tourist attractions are!" Now everyone was amazed. how could this little tart come from an unmapped planet
<TheEnigma> ...and yet dance so seductively, and so well? Why, everyone stared at her, waiting with bated breath. Perhaps she knew where to find the Keanes! Perhaps she knew how to destroy the oblong glass-creatures! Perhaps she knew....
<TMR> ...too much!
<wabewalkr> Suddenly, without warning, a figure materialized on the bridge, its stubby arms covered with computer traces, its deformed ellipsoid head turning, scanning the bridge with a ruby laser embedded in an eye socket like the blood sprayed from a popped pimple. Casually, it injected Mary Sue and Ensign Carne with the microbots that would convert them into hideous cyborgs like itself. It turned to the captain and said, "I am Cucurbitanus... of Borg."
<zompist> "oh, no!" thought mary sue. "i only have hours to act, save the ship, defeat the keanes, destroy the cucurbitanus, fuck the caption, did i say that??, and cure myself!" i'd better immediately...
<Da_Raven> ...repolarize the tachyon feed and electrocute myself with the Science station keyboard while washing my hair in plasma to kill the microbots. She did this quietly and furtively, while Ensign Carne humping a Vulcan's leg served as distraction. By the time Cucurbitanus looked her way again, she was clean of them, and faking infection in order to infiltrate the Borg. And her hair never looked silkier or bouncier.
<MisterQ> Cucurbitanus raised it's gravely voice, "Cum.. er Come Mary Sue. It is time for you and Ensign Carne to join the Borg. The rest of you.... well, I guess all the rest of you ugly people will have to be destroyed!" "NO!" Screamed the Captain. "You can not destroy us because.....
<sol-D> We were on our way to get icrcream! You can't kill someone on an icecream run. it's UnAmerican!" Cucurbitanus just stared at him. "Captain, you will find that the borg are about as Unamerican as you can get. Hell, Earth was blown up fifty years ago. Any final pleas?" The captain just stared, a single tear running down his cheek...
<TheEnigma> ....and in a voice that was barely a whisper, he croaked "Rosebud." Cucurbitanus smirked, which was strange to everyone viewing the smirk, seeing as Borg never show facial expressions, especially smirks. Nonetheless, 'twas a smirk. "No, Captain," Cucurbitanus said. "You shall....
<wabewalkr> "... never see another flower again!" With that horticultural horror, the captain went mad and screamed "Die, you cybernetic cantaleupe!" while reaching for his phaser. "No, captain!" Mary Sue cried out, unwittingly breaking her cover. Cucurbitanus, realizing he had been tricked, grabbed Mary Sue by the throat and...
<zompist> ...then, to the surprise of all concerned, simply disappeared, like the smell of breaking wind does if you just let it evaporate. "it won't hold him for long, but it'll do," said a small voice. everyone looked around to see where they had heard this voice they'd perceived, and then noticed a small, wavy-haired, long-headed boy on the bridge.
<Da_Raven> The Captain stared at the boy, vaguely dazed. Ensign Sue elbowed him sharply, and he shook himself out of the trance. Just as he opened his mouth to address the newcomer, Ensign Carne screamed in terror....
<MisterQ> "RUN! IT'S A TRAP!" She screamed and started to hump the bulkhead again.
<sol-D> The melon headed boy took one look at Ensigne Carne and ran over to join her. "Boy, a ship that caters to my own deviant sexual preferences!" he sighed. As he moved faster and fasted, the bulkhead began to smoke, and then to melt... they were ruining the ship!
<TheEnigma> "Aww, fuck," muttered the Captain. "Just my luck. I meet a nice boy with pretty hair, and he starts to melt my ship." The Captain raises his hand and yelled to the computer. "COMPUTER!" he yelled, "shut off power to the bulkhead!" Suddenly, the bridge was....
<wabewalkr> ...over troubled waters. Yes, in the confusion, the starship Genderpride had crashed into the sea. "Ensign Carne, stop flogging that bulkhead! Ensign, Ensign Carne! THELMA!" The melon-headed boy's head snapped up so fast it caused a minature sonic boom. "Thelma Carne, so you've come back. We meet again, but this time the advantage is mine!" "Not so, you little twirp, for I have found the secret of..."
<zompist> "...scientology, and i've reached clear, at the cost of 3,500 federation credits!" while the two bickered, mary sue inched backwards, towards the door, where she had hidden...
<Da_Raven> ...a heaping jar of oing. She unscrewed the lid and added a drop of SOylent Green to start the chain reaction....
<MisterQ> It would only take a minute for the reaction to become critical. Mary sue knew of only one way to get it to her target. She slowly pulled out her kitten, Mr. Fluffy.
<sol-D> "Godspeed, little kitten," she murmered before dunking the kitten into the noxious mixture. It squeled horribly and was still. then, with years and years of brothel-honed skill, she hefted the kitted, aimed, and...
<wabewalkr> ...it exploded in her hand, killing everyone within a 200 meter radius! Meanwhile, on the distant planet Toogooey...
<zompist> ...the psychic fern had succeeded in cloning everyone on the bridge, just before their deaths! "oooh man my head hurts," said the little bacon-haired boy. "what the fuck was in that bottle in the fridge?"
<Da_Raven> Will Ensign Carne turn into a Borg? Will there be enough Bactine for the kitten? Tune in next week for the answer to these and other questions!
<wabewalkr> Same Keane time, same Keane channel!
<zompist> holy pasketti, batman!
<MisterQ> Get your porno decoder rings, kids!


Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com