#spinnwebe Logs : The #spinnwebe Show

 SWHC

Starring :
zompist as Your Host!
Mr.Q as The Producer/Announcer!
Da_Raven as The Bandleader!
sol-D as The First Guest!
Aadroma as The Queen of England!

Special Musical Guests : The Dead, Rotting Corpses of They Might Be Giants!
Cameo by Gilbert Godfrey!


<zompist> i'd be glad to do a year of late night.
<MisterQ> ahh. Stay tuned for The Mr. ? show
<MisterQ> All I need is some contacts, an agent, and 18 writers
<MisterQ> and chicks
<zompist> we can do it together. we can alternate being the sidekick
<MisterQ> cool.
<zompist> we need a bandleader... can anyone here read music?
<MisterQ> That's what the chicks are for. They'll play in the band and earn ratings
<Da_Raven> I can.
<zompist> yeah, but you need a bandleader to turn into an unlikely star, like paul shaffer.
<MisterQ> That's true. Raven?
<zompist> there we go! you're hired!
<zompist> aadroma, you can produce. :) * Da_Raven even plays sax. :)
<MisterQ> And we'll find something for the other sp!nnfolk to do
<MisterQ> whoa, Raven.
<zompist> coolness!
<Aadroma> ROFL! Oh, sure, give me the area that doesn't require any talent ^_-
<zompist> can we have natalie merchant on the first show?
<MisterQ> Would you rather be awriter, Aadroma.
<Aadroma> Sure ^_-
<MisterQ> Allright! Roll with it
<zompist> or the guy who holds up the cue cards? :)
<MisterQ> I think they replaced those with computers
* Aadroma starts writing the monologue and fills it with jokes that will be obscure in three months
<zompist> they always show the guy holding the cards for letterman.
<MisterQ> He's the producer
* zompist practices throwing the blue cards through the window.
<MisterQ> or maybe Dave's ratings haven't been enough to hire a computer
<MisterQ> And we'll have a copy of Jay Leno's Headlines
* zompist practices getting into a slanging match with madonna.
* MisterQ practices on looking goofy for when jokes fail
* Aadroma writes the "Stupid Senior Citizen" segment
<Aadroma> Stupid Senior Citizen TRICKS" segment even ^_-
* Da_Raven gets those little blue-lensed sunglasses.
<zompist> what should we have to compete with the top 10 list?
<zompist> i've got it!
<zompist> we'll retitle family circus cartoons!
<Da_Raven I'm not shaving my head, though. :)
<MisterQ> The worst 10 list!
* zompist works up a few jokes about his hair.
<MisterQ> Raven, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. (That might be negotiated later)
<Aadroma> "The Worst Ten Things To Say After Sex ... #10 : 'Wow, and the guys at the bar said you wouldn't be that easy!
<zompist> #9: did you fart?
<zompist> #8: it's no use. i'm going to change orientations now.
<MisterQ> #7, that's not how my wife likes it
<Da_Raven> #6 Are you in yet?
<zompist> #6: i think i left my contacts down there.
<Aadroma> #4, The vacuum cleaner did it better!
<MisterQ> #3: Something smells stinky
<zompist> #2: thanks, mom!
<Da_Raven> #1 Zzzzzzzz....
* zompist breaks to a commercial.

Cut to heavenly music


<MisterQ> This show is brought to you by Jesus Communion Waffles. Now with fruit filling!
<Da_Raven> "I can't believe it's not Christ!"
<MisterQ> (little girl):Mmm, mommy. These taste just like Jesus!
<Da_Raven> WIth half the calories!
<Aadroma> "Bring Salvation to Breakfast!"
<zompist> (dad takes a bite). Jesus!
<zompist> Made in St. Louis by Mandelbrot Kosher Bakers.
<MisterQ> (mother): I was dying and only a micacle could save me. Thank you, I can't believe it's not Christ!
<Aadroma> ROFLMAO!
<MisterQ> "I can't believe it's not Christ" is fully kosher and complies with all kwanzaa traditions

And the heavenly choir fades to...


* zompist introduces our next guest...
<MisterQ> And our next guest is.....
<zompist> (psst... who is our next guest?)
<MisterQ> (who did we book?)
<zompist> ...a name known to everyone! let's have a big welcome for a really big star!
* Da_Raven plays the guest in.
<Aadroma> ::whispering:: The girl who played Punky Brewster
<MisterQ> (psst.... It better not be Carrot top. That'll kill the show)
<Da_Raven> (Soleil Moon Frye??)
<zompist> heh heh... this is where letterman always cops a feel.
<Da_Raven> She got 'em reduced. :)
<zompist> he always hugs the actress about 10 seconds past the politeness point.
<Aadroma> ROFLMAO!
<MisterQ> we will just give them a happy slap on the butt.
* zompist hugs the guest, but doesn't tongue.
<zompist> and say "cowabunga! you on tv!"
* zompist stares hard at the little blue card.
<MisterQ> "Well, Miss Fry. How's the back? No further problems?"
*** sol-D has joined #spinnwebe
* Aadroma tries booking guests, but ends up only able to get people that were on "Kids Incorperated".
<zompist> sol-d, you're just in time to be our first guest. :)
<sol-D> cool. what do I win?
<MisterQ> Let's give a hearty welcome for our new guest, Sol-D!
* zompist gives sol-d a hug and shows her to the comfy chair.
* Da_Raven plays her theme song...
<MisterQ> You're the guest of our new talk show!
<MisterQ> So, tell us, Sol-d. Do you have any special talents?
<zompist> you must be famous or we wouldn't have booked you!
<sol-D> Well, I can annoy faster than the spee dof sound.
<Aadroma> Yeah, he's even in Guinness ^_^
<sol-D> speed of
<sol-D> and I can make some interesting typo's
<zompist> aadroma, you're not scoping on the pronoun usage here. :)
* sol-D ignores it
<MisterQ> Allright. To test your claim, you will have to annoy us faster than.... (unveils mystery guest) gilbert Godfrey!
<zompist> did you bring any video clips?
<Da_Raven> Maybe you didn't grope her enough, zomp. :)
<sol-D> AND I GET MISTAKEN FOR A MAN ALL THE TIME
<zompist> or maybe a fifth of j.d.?
<Da_Raven> THat'd be an interesting video clip...
<Aadroma> EEEEK! Gilbert Godfrey! KYAAAAAH!
<sol-D> ahh! Godfrey! My mortal enemy!
* MisterQ pulls out a gun
* Aadroma gets the mental image of Mr. Godfrey saying, "FROSTED CHEERIOS!!!" and jumps out the window
<zompist> gilbert godfrey, eh? i thought you were a parrot.
<sol-D> <godfrey runs out and bashes andrea with a chair>
* Da_Raven plays dramatic Japanese monster movie fight scene music!
* sol-D roars and brethes fire on Godfrey
<Aadroma> o/` Baaa bu RAAA ... Baaa bu RAAA ... o/`
<zompist> FIRE-CAM!
<sol-D> breathes
<MisterQ> (the security guys break up the fight between Gilbert and aadroma
<sol-D> theres that typo thing again
<Da_Raven> When did we become Springer, Q? :)
<Aadroma> ROFL! Yeah - where are the Transexual Nazi Eskimos? ^_-
<MisterQ> "And there you have it folks. Gilbert Godfrey! On fire!!!
<sol-D> Whoo!
* zompist throws gilbert godfrey a kitten.
<MisterQ> Let's all give that flaming pile of ashes a big hand!
<sol-D> My kitten!
* MisterQ catches the kitten in midair.
* zompist cackles evilly and breaks to a commercial.
<sol-D> a commercial for...
<MisterQ> Time for a commercial folks. We'll be right back.
<Aadroma> God, is Zompist our Zoltar now?!
* Da_Raven plays "Great Balls of FIre" out to commercial.

Cut to commercial....


<sol-D> frosted hitler puffs
<zompist> they're hitlerrific!
<MisterQ> (little boy)Yum... after all the military funded vitamins and mutagens in these Frosted hitler Puffs, I feel like I can take over Poland
<Aadroma> Run out of energy? Try Frosted Hitler Puffs! They give you that "Zieg Heil" that you need for the rest of the day!
<MisterQ> (mother) And don't forget France, junior.
<zompist> from the makers of Mussolinios!
<Aadroma> (kids running down street doing Nazi Arm Gesture) Victory Hail! VICTORY HAIL!
<MisterQ> Frosted Hitler Puffs are made in St. Louis by Mandelbrot Kosher Bakers.
<zompist> be like everyone else! eat hitler puffs!
<Aadroma> ROFLMAO MrQ!
<Da_Raven> Try our new BBQ flavor!
<MisterQ> Only the genetically weak do not eat Hitler Puffs!
<sol-D> Colostomy bags?
<sol-D> what?
<sol-D> Frosted colostomy bags?
<zompist> new, with less sauerkraut residue!
<Aadroma> EWWIE!
<sol-D> ahh! that all came at me at once!
<zompist> i can see how that could be disturbing, sol-d.
<MisterQ> (father sporting odd mustache) Ich Een Been Hitler Puffs!
<sol-D> hehe

Commercial's over - get your head out of the fridge and get back here!


* zompist is caught by the camera staring vacantly into space.
* Da_Raven plays us back from commerical with "Deutchland Uber Alles"...
<zompist> whoa! hi there!
<MisterQ> And we're back, zomp!
<zompist> so we are! i hope someone booked another guest!
* MisterQ takes role of Announcer
<MisterQ> We sure did!
<MisterQ> Let's give a big hand for......
<zompist> 'cos i'd hate to sit here and make hair jokes for ten minutes...
<MisterQ> That would be almost pointless, zomp!
* zompist is dying from the suspense.
* sol-D is choking on a delicious hitler puff
* zompist pushes aadroma onstage, tells him to impersonate a celebrity.
* Aadroma announces the next guest : the Queen of England!
<MisterQ> Let's hear it for... the famoust impressionest, Aadroma!
<Aadroma> [dressed as the Queen] We are not amused!
[sol-D accidentally pastes a dozen lines of previous conversation into the channel...]
<sol-D> err, woops!
*** sol-D was kicked by spinnbot (flood)
<zompist> i hate it when the replay tape misfires.
* Da_Raven plays "God Save the Queen".
<zompist> so, you're the queen of england! that must be fucking awesome!
<MisterQ> Well, you won't see Sol-D self destruct on any other show!
*** sol-D has joined #spinnwebe
* Da_Raven plays "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen...
<Aadroma> Yes, we love being the queen - but ask what's in my purse and we'll hit you.
<zompist> how did you manage to rear that wanker, prince charles?
<zompist> i mean, didn't you fall asleep at the breakfast table and all?
<Aadroma> We think it was the Jagermeister the night before ... you know how alcohol causes birth defects.
<zompist> well, they do run in the family, don't they?
<MisterQ> Oh, I think it was more than cheap alcohol, zomp!
<zompist> say, it must be depressing when you mail a letter and see a picture of yourself when you were cute, huh?
* Aadroma starts weeping
* Aadroma jumps out the window
<zompist> and what's the story with the reverse-fashion sequined horrors?
<zompist> and what about this phillip dude? i mean, what the fuck?
* Aadroma jumps back in the window to answer zompist's questions
<Aadroma> Well, I'm letting Charles's kids make my outfits ... they get Home Ec credit ... but they're not doing very good.
<Aadroma> And Phillip has nude pictures of us he's threatening to post on the internet - otherwise we'd dump his old fart ass.
<Da_Raven> I heard WIlliam has a real flair for fashion?
<zompist> yeah, i can see there's no other reason to keep the old nazi bastard.
<zompist> but then there's the horses, eh? got any tips for the viewers?
<Aadroma> We think that William has TOO much flair for fashion -- he wears our pumps!
<Aadroma> Yes - if you ever are offered to be a monarch, swallow cyanide pills.
<MisterQ> You heard it, straight from the horses...er.. Queen Mother's mouth!
<zompist> how did it feel to be upstaged by that blonde bim?
<Aadroma> Horse indeed, we do not appreciate that! We are at LEAST a mule!
<Aadroma> Because that blonde bim doesn't suffer from FURNITURE disease.
<Aadroma> That's when your chest falls into your drawers.
<zompist> the queen has said the magic word, DRAWERS, and won $100!
<MisterQ> Here's a horrible lawn ornament, just for you!
<Aadroma> Thank you! We need this as the monarchy is QUITE broke.
<zompist> did you bring us any video clips, queenie?
<Aadroma> Yes - here is a clip of us at a nudie bar.
<zompist> we're dying to see more red dwarf.
<Aadroma> We had a red dwarf knight once - but we lost him. A shame, really.
<zompist> it's been great chatting with you, E.R., but now get yourself off, so we have some time for the musical number!
<zompist> there you go, ladies and gents-- the fucking queen of england!
<Aadroma> But it takes us a while to get off, and - oh, you mean off STAGE! Well, I NEVER!
<zompist> that was england, wasn't it? i couldn't read the blue card.
<MisterQ> Let's hear it for the fucking queen of england!
<zompist> if it was norway, sorry.
<sol-D> fucking queen? wow, she gets around for an old lady
* Da_Raven plays the Queen off the stage with some porn music... Bwah-chicks-bwah-BWAH....
<MisterQ> Stay tuned, because our musical act will be right after this commercial!
* zompist breaks to a commercial.
Commercial sign!


<MisterQ> We at the chaos publishing house are introducing our lates learning books for children, Hooked on Chutulu!
<zompist> read by william shatner!
<Da_Raven> (cut to schene of children drilling their phonics...) Ia! Ia!
<sol-D> and Dolly Pardon
<Aadroma> {little kid} Hooked on Chuthulu works for me! [gets swallowed into a dimensional hole by a large tentacle]
<zompist> what's better than family values? the Nameless Elders!
<MisterQ> (Shatner) C is for ..(strategic pause)..... Chutulu who will kill....(sp)... everyone. D is for Death....(sp) like the red shirted ensigns on ....(sp) my old show..
<Da_Raven> Read along with the Necronomicon!
<MisterQ> And the new 'Pop-up Necronomicon'!
<zompist> this course pays for itself in preternatural horrors alone!
<MisterQ> (see a child open up a dusty book and get sucked into it)
<MisterQ> Er.. Pop-In Necronomicon
<zompist> keeps them busy for hours!
<sol-D> Pop up is where the demons from the netherhells poke out your eyes when you open the book
<Da_Raven> "Ohmigod, ohmigod, the tentacles, the TENTACLES" -- Testimony from a satisfied customer.
<zompist> this week only, order Hooked On Cthulhu and we'll toss in a free aerobics tape!
<sol-D> Sweatin' to the elder gods?
<zompist> sweatin' to the oldies... the very, very oldies!
<MisterQ> (mother)My child was an underachieve r at school, a troublemaking bully to all the kids, and a terror to the teachers. Now after hooked on Chutulu, I have no more worries since he has been safley eaten by the netherwraiths.
<zompist> or (your choice!)-- Abs of ectoplasm!
<zompist> free immortality granted in return for all children lost or reduced to gibbering hulks!
<zompist> that's a word you don't get to use much... gibbering.
<MisterQ> 'Hooked on Chutulu' is made by the Mandelbrot Kosher Bakers in St. Louis who will not be held responsible for any and all damage, possesions, end of the world.
<sol-D> has a nice feel to it
<Aadroma> ROFLMAO! You get the grand prize of ... the Soundtrack to JEM! ::yaaaaaay::
<sol-D> I think I've been to that bakery!
<sol-D> Is it near the wax museum?

Okay, commerical's over, move along, nothing to see here...


* zompist is caught by the camera picking his nose.
<MisterQ> And we're back folks!
<zompist> hey, can we get a musical intro here?
<MisterQ> Please give a big hand four our musical guests......
* zompist tosses a blue card at the bandleader.
<MisterQ> They Might Be Giants!
<zompist> hey, i asked for natalie merchant!
<sol-D> ahhh!
* Da_Raven doesn't want to overshadow the musical guest!
<sol-D> DoplleJohns!
<MisterQ> err.. natalie won't be available for the next fifteen minutes..heh heh
<zompist> you get to play in with the musical guests, rave-- it's in your contract.
<Da_Raven> WHoohoo!
<zompist> tmbg will be playing the themesone from tmnt!
<MisterQ> (TMBG) Yea, Raven. We'd be honored to jam with you.
<zompist> themesong.
* zompist helpfully holds up a copy of tmbg's next album, upside down.
<sol-D> I think they're dead, Jim
* sol-D gets out the bootleg of "she think's she's edith head."
* sol-D plays it as the cleanup crew drags off the Johns bloated carcasses
<zompist> they weren't dead in rehearsal, were they?
<sol-D> Yeah...
* Da_Raven starts playing on her sax. No, I don't care if there's a sax in the song or not, dammit.
<sol-D> I was afraid youi'd yell, so I didn't say anything
<zompist> don't worry, we'll patch in some concert footage, no one will know.
* Da_Raven starts getting into it, jumping up and down on the risers, improvising....
<MisterQ> It's been great folks, let's give the band a hand!
<MisterQ> And not in marrage, Sol-D.
* Da_Raven is halfway across the stage now, dodging the janitorial staf...
* zompist accidentally triggers the cleaning robots.
<Da_Raven> "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
<zompist> well, folks, the band had to step out, but they'd mumble something incoherent if they could.
* Da_Raven ends up in the disposal chute.
* sol-D always wanted to marry a corpse!
<zompist> oh jeez. that didn't happen in rehearsal either.
<Aadroma> ROFLMAO!
* zompist turns off the master robotic switch and fishes raven out of the machine's innards.
<zompist> at least she's damn clean.
<Aadroma> And Springtime Fresh!
* Da_Raven wrestles her sax away from a robot and squishes back to her seat.
<zompist> that was They Must Be Giants with our own Raven playing in!
<MisterQ> What a show! Tune in next time when our guests will be Maculley Culkin, Mr. ?: Juggler of flamethrowers, Hitler's severed head, and the musical guest will be Bjork! And Remember folks: don't sue us!
<Da_Raven> Did you ever have that... not-so-fresh feeling? :)
<Aadroma> ROFL!
<zompist> hot damn! i can't wait to cop a feeee-- to greet björk.
<sol-D> NAnd now for the DON'T SUE US dancers...
* zompist is caught by the camera trying to get his hair to lie flat.
* Aadroma watches as the Don't Sue Us Dancers do every popular dance in the book
* Da_Raven plays back a tape of the end theme and glowers grumpily at the cleaning robots.
<zompist> the credits start to roll, misspelling all our names!
* MisterQ rolls the credits
* sol-D turns her eyes as the dancer sbegin to strip
<zompist> pardon me while i slip out of these clothes and into a dry martini.
<Da_Raven> Bwah-Chicka-Wah-WAH!
<sol-D> while the credits roll
<zompist> hey, our credits don't roll... they rock and roll!
<sol-D> whoo!
* MisterQ throws dollar bills at the Don't Sue Us dancers
<sol-D> and they get nekked!
<sol-D> don't watch the credits, kids!
<sol-D> who would take credit for pornographic credits?
<zompist> © 1999 by #spinnwebe 'B' us, inc.
<MisterQ> aaaand cut


<zompist> *spinnbot* YOU HAVE INVOKED THE ONE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED.
<zompist> *spinnbot* pagespinn: sent [© 1999 by #spinnwebe 'B' us, inc.]

Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com