alt.fan.spinnwebe Logs : Quotes from a.f.sw

God of Beer, no question. First thing I'd do would be to mandate that Budweiser be demoted from "King of Beers" to "Pissy Little Watery Tasteless Bastard Son of a Minor Duke of Beers." Then I'd smite the entire Coors family. Miller and other forms of moistened air wouled be relegated to use for flushing urinals in bus stations (no one would notice the change). And finally, Guinness would be available on tap everywhere.

I really like the idea of being able to choose for myself. At work I recently became God of the Patch Release Process, and I _know_ I didn't sign up for that.

I'm thinking I'd like to be God of Atheists, 'cause I'll bet there aren't that many duties, and I really value my free time.

So, in conclusion, Microsoft WindowsCo and Microsoft OfficeCo, or Microsoft Red and Microsoft Blue, or whatever they're going to call them,

Microsoft Red is made of people!!!! It's *people*!!!!

I thought you can play Microsoft Red and Microsoft Blue on your game boy with the object being to capture all the 151 bugs and train them to fight against each other before taking on the evil Team Justice Department?

o/' Bibleman, Bibleman, does whatever a Bible can
Start a jihad? Any size.
Beats up gays, just like flies.
To him, the world is full of sinners
fundies are the real winners,
and they're like the Bibleman... o/'

The only thing God's good for is blaming things on.

Hey, he's also good for cleaning hard-to-reach grout and spackle. New and Improved God. Now, with a heavenly lemon fresh scent!

I can just see it now.

An office full of people working in suits when over the PA comes a gravely voice announcing: "It is now time for the company squirt gun fight. Commence!" Followed by the Gattica-like wage slaves pulling cheap little water pistols and half-heartedly shooting their cubicle neighbors, first the one on the left, then the one on the right. The voice then announces, "Company squirt gun fight terminates in 3...2...1. Terminate all fun-related activities NOW! SHNELL!"

If I was working there, I know the second day I'd pack a fire hose.

You are right, of course. Dark humor is funny as long as it isn't applied to yourself. I'm just struggling along the best I can, since the doctor recently found an inoperable form of gangrene in my left upper thigh, and there's a good chance they'll have to amputate the limb within a week. But not to worry, Spinnewebbe fans! Even while they are using a bone saw to hack away my leg, I'll be sure they use only a local anesthetic so I can carry on my webbe site with a wireless laptop as they perform their macabre operation, and bring the yuks and yuks you've come to expect from my "comedy site" on the "web"!

I can only hope that my good friends, Rob and Marge, can fill the comedy void that will be created when I'm alternately zonked out on codiene and clawing at the walls and screaming at the Lord Almighty for abandoning me. After all, they've been mentioned on WWF Crackdown and they got 35,000 hits in two weeks, so I put the "comedy site" future of the Webbe in their able hands. Despite the fact that Marge recently found a lump in her left breast that is only slightly smaller than the total volume of the breast itself, and the prostate cancer has distended Rob's anus until it looks like a small toy football is protruding from his butt, and makes it impossible to sit without the aid of a blow-up donut thing--and even then it's quite painful--I know they'll be able to bring a giggle and a chuckle to our Webbe friends everywhere! 35,000 hits after the WWF Crackdown, you know.

Oh, easy: because she's in the hospital, the poor woman, the victim of her bi-monthly tragic car accident. She doesn't have sensation in 95% of her body, but she tries to make the little ones laugh by tapping out limericks in morse code with her left forefinger, which is the only part of her the doctors are sure won't be permanently paralyzed. What a trooper.

And not the good kind of big giant bust either. Since I mentioned on this NG that I was going to be spending News Years at a local fire station I feel like I should mention that it was so damn boring that I left.

I'm so sorry that houses didn't burn down at an alarming rate, thus causing death and destruction and the displacement of families and the loss of lives, thus causing families to lose a mother or a sister or a father or a brother or all of their children, scarring the remaining family members for life, thus providing you with an evening of entertainment gleaned from the pain and suffering and misery of others.

That sucks.

Personally, I was hoping for the collapse of civilization, and the rise of a post-apocalyptic feudal society based around punk-haircut road bandits and scavenged technology, in which I would rise to control a settlement of hardened refugees protecting their families from raiders with the help of my plans for building improvised weaponry from bits of cars and other devices. I was all looking forward to fashioning ballistas from scavenged automotive leaf-springs and defending the walls of my new town from passing brigands and minor local warlords, but instead I just have to go back to work on Monday...

Ah well. Anyone need any leather pants? Looks like I stocked up for nothing...

Come to think of it, the Bible I had as a kid left out the whole "Abraham... with a big knife... on the altar" section.

Hey, there's an idea waiting to be marketed: Bible Clue!

"Um, the Romans.... on Golgotha... with a cross? YES!!!"

[opens the envelope]

Sorry, it was Delilah in Persia with a fire and brimstone storm.

Judith... in the tents of Holofernes... with a stake
Darius... in the pit... with some lions...
Nebachudnezzar... in Persia... with a big furnace...
Noah... in a boat... through negligence...
Salome... in the palace of Herod... with someone else's axe...
Herod... in Judaea... with an army...
Pilate... in court... with a bowl of water...

And I want Judas Iscariot and Simon Peter charged as accessories after the fact.

I dunno -- mixing vegetables and buggery on a children's show might be too much of a good thing.

Spinn was a melon-driving man,
He broke through many a Keane
And on a.f.sw his followers would fight
About the difference between funny and mean, Lord Lord,
the difference between funny and mean....

...The ruffiani said to the Katdiva crew,
A joke ain't nothing but a joke
But if you want your site up there with Mahir's
Then don't fix a gag unless it's broke, Lord Lord,
Don't fix a gag unless it's broke.

Yea, forget eating and drinking the body and blood of chirst, how about porking the prostitues of chirst?

Gotta love this quote (mangled grammatical structure aside), from his review of the opening scene in 'American Pie': "he is doing that which the entertainment industry and pansexualists want you to think about what teenage boys do if watching sexual material alone in their bedroom"

Yeah-- because, like most other American males, when /I'm/ watching sexually explicit material in my room alone, I like to knit and build model airplanes.

Chicks really dig it when guys go into exquisite extemporaneous deep background detail about fantasy characters.

Good thing--I have $500 burning a hole in my pocket and I'd been looking for some art that would help me pork a cat.

I am proud to be part of any enterprise where the phrase:

"hand up my ass" might (unfairly) trigger a negative reaction.

can spring up in casual conversation.

Let's start up "Randy-aid 99!" We can all donate a green-zoned caption in Randy's name. We won't let his tragic inability to submit funny captions go unnoticed!

"We're DFC; we're IADL; we are the ones who'll donate captions to make Randy feel well. There's a choice we're making, we're saving 'Beanio', to get his name in the green zone of the DFC."

That's how I've been able to get 24 green zone caps in the last 8 panels... forking over the family inheritance to CM, Raven, Spinn, et al... Spinn's been seen blowing about town in a cherry red Ferrari, Raven's taken to using a Faberge egg as a paperweight, and CM's just bought a copy of the Magna Charta as a 'conversation piece' for his eventual law office. Whatta racket.

[T]hat freak in the foreground of IADL 416 is me at an unnamed restaurant. Apparently this was taken on one of those "androgynous days" I have from time to time. You know how THOSE go.

What the heck is a "log of fag" and why did it make me shoot milk out my nose?

[T]here's something about the word "assrape" that still makes me chuckle.

My guess is the Amazon writers *have* to be in on the joke. They're all probably frustrated writers who make minimum wage and wear black turtlenecks and smoke clove cigarettes, and when they see things like this come across the transom, sneaking them into the site is their way of saying to the publishing industry, "That'll teach you for not publishing my 2,400-page novel about the sassy robot having dinner with John Ritter, Benito Mussolini and Johannes Kepler!"