#spinnwebe Logs : It's Noritastic!


<CrzyClmbr> and speaking of that, spinn, you missed this from shawn yesterday: http://www2.active.ch/~gerstei/main.en.html
<zompist> oh lord! i didn't see that one, bob.
<zompist> the disturbing thing is the smile on these people's faces.
<CrzyClmbr> well, she seems a lot happier than he does.
<spinn_> yea, wonder how many rolls of film they went through on that
<CrzyClmbr> and the next trick is getting it into cube form.
<zompist> "load it up again, babe, and this time smile for me!"
<Kyol> I've heard that it actually really works pretty well, once you get past the fairly stiff irritation.
<zompist> irritation? on the part of people who have to watch you doing this?
<Kyol> Naah - your nasal passages are just really thrilled by having salt water introduced to 'em initially.
<spinn_> yeah, part of the instructions should be "stare directly at a friend or loved one and smile disconcertingly as water gushes out your other nostril"
<zompist> if this catches on, we're going to see people stopped at traffic light s, their heads tilting, water running out the side door.
<zompist> it's a little sad that sales are too low for them to afford their own domain yet.
<spinn_> wonder what's with the "keep your mouth open" part
<CrzyClmbr> makes you look dorkier, spinn.
<agt_orang> for the full fountain effect
<agt_orang> don't want that water to go to waste, do you?
<zompist> ooh, the german page has different pictures.
<zompist> is that burt reynolds?
<spinn_> I wouldn't want tht thing in my house, tho
<spinn_> I wouldn't know where to put it
<spinn_> and if I did, some guest would find it and assume it's some kind of sex ual device
<CrzyClmbr> i bet that is their family - mom, dad, and the sibs.
<spinn_> oh man, and they click to bigger versions, the pictures
<spinn_> like, oh good, I need a closeup
<spinn_> more in my face, the weird bulb with the water through the nostril, please
<zompist> now *that* is thoughtful webmastery.
<Kyol> I think I'll stick with kleenex.
<agt_orang> I have to try that.
<spinn_> man. if you sneezed while that was going on, you'd have massive lacerat ions of the face
* agt_orang looks around for the old enema bulb under the bathroom sink
<CrzyClmbr> well, if you put as much coke in there as the photo shows, you won't care, spinn.
<K-Man^> "Can't get all that coke through?"
<zompist> wouldn't it be more effective if the discharge flow was, like, brownish-yellow?
<CrzyClmbr> Nose flash alone is not sufficient!
<mdxi> does "nasendusche" translate to what it *looks* like?
<wabewalkr> Nasal Bath?
<CrzyClmbr> The mucous membrane is "an almost perfect guard filter against dust and Schmutzpartikelchen and infection-exciting Bazillen."
<zompist> nasal shower, more likely.
<agt_orang> Die kinders lieben it too, ja!
<zompist> hey, *i* can translate schmutzpartikelchen, why can't babel?
<CrzyClmbr> Keep the heading bent over a wash basin and bend it laterally.
<K-Man^> I'd hate to see where it comes out of when you frown
<wabewalkr> Fun for the whole family.
<CrzyClmbr> Possibly still the water remained in the nose can be removed by easy vibrating, tricks or nodding of the heading.
<agt_orang> Geplacen die funnelspoken in der noserhole. Inserten der garten-hose.
<wabewalkr> And they're all wearing the same shirt. Must be some sort of cult.
<zompist> sis looks *really* amused by the procedure.
<agt_orang> Den Whoosh! as der SnotWash blitzkriegs die boogers!
<CrzyClmbr> i recommend the babelfish translation to everyone.
<Da_Raven> I like the "This is what *should* happen after a few uses". Like they aren't *positive*, but it's a good chance this is how things will turn out....
<spinn_> yeah, and captions used to ask where the hell I live
<spinn_> "you /should/ keep the lining in your nasal passages"
<spinn_> "in most cases"
<spinn_> "we're more than likely pretty sure"
<agt_orang> "after a few uses"? what happens the first two times?
<wabewalkr> "We haven't tried it ourselves (we're not crazy), so drop us a note and tell us how it works out."
<SeanQ> i wanna know what happend if you close your mouth
<Da_Raven> It probably runs down your throat, Sean.
<spinn_> "out uncle ed has a glassblowing workshop, we knocked a few of these together and thought it'd be fun to sell to you"
<wabewalkr> It goes into your lungs and YOU DIE!
<agt_orang> "We bought 120,000 of these at the flea market. It was the best we could come up with. You want ot buy one or not?"
<spinn_> they need more detail behind the "keep your mouth open" comment
<spinn_> or "do not taunt nori nasal passage cleaner"
<agt_orang> "It is VERY IMNPORTANT that you keep ALL orifices WIDE OPEN when using the nori (c). Just DO it."
<zompist> i suspect rave is right... der Nasaleffluvium ist in der Lungenkavitie mit risk of Nasenschmutzchokerkoffen.
<CrzyClmbr> keep going "snnnkkkt" and you don't need the nori.
<spinn_> I could see them making the claim that you could find the nori "healthy nd relieving"
<Da_Raven> What they aren't telling you is that the models are cokeheads who have no septum left.
<spinn_> but I'm at a total loss to imagine it being "wonderfully agreeable"
<Da_Raven> well, greg, the nori doesn't complain much about its lot in life....
<zompist> though it should.
<agt_orang> The Nori(c): It Only Hurts The First Time.
<spinn_> like, taking a poop is healthy and relieving
<wabewalkr> What if you fill it with vinegar?
<agt_orang> hmmmm...vodka...
<zompist> and it's not wonderfully agreeable for you...?
<spinn_> no, not really
<wabewalkr> Brings new meaning to the term "Snortin' Whiskey."
<spinn_> "mmmmmNnnngGGHHH...AH! Oh, that was wonderfully agreeable!"
<agt_orang> LJ, your head would look like a water wiggle
<SeanQ> god knows how many holes the water would pour out of
* Da_Raven laughs so hard she almost needs a Nori to retrieve her Doritos. "mmmmmNnnngGGHHH...AH!"
<Da_Raven> Dammit, that one was actually aloud. I'm breaking sssnnnkt.
<agt_orang> maintain radio sssnnnkt
* CrzyClmbr passes raven a cough drop
<spinn_> yeah, the family page!
<wabewalkr> Here's another thought: Are they all using the SAME nori(c)?
<spinn_> apparently not
* Da_Raven puts the Pepsi *far away* for a few minutes.
<spinn_> oh christ, I'll bet this guy is the invetor and he forced the family to take the pics
<CrzyClmbr> that's what i figured.
<wabewalkr> The kid on the left looks pissed.
<spinn_> I was just thinking that
<CrzyClmbr> Apple should do a line of them in candy colors so family members can distinguish theirs.
<wabewalkr> "I'm here Dad, only because you threatened to take away my allowance."
<zompist> oh lord, there they all are.
<agt_orang> this activity needs a verb--nori-ing doesn't cut it
<spinn_> looks like he's distancing himself from the nori
<CrzyClmbr> the iNori
<zompist> norivating
<spinn_> I almost expected him to have his middle finger up, like in pow photos
<zompist> noridouching
<SeanQ> noripurging
<spinn_> Nori: The Douche For Your Head
<Da_Raven> There's a movie of the procedure where he's blinking Morse code....
<agt_orang> "The Reverend Moon says clean nostril are important!"
<CrzyClmbr> but the woman on the english page isn't in the family photo.
<spinn_> and actually, she's the one that looks happiest
<spinn_> so maybe she's an actual model
<zompist> that picture is going to be used as evidence in *several* court cases.
<spinn_> christ I hope she make good deuchemarks on that that
<CrzyClmbr> maybe it's more popular than we realize. maybe two families have them.
<zompist> no, i think the woman on the english page is the woman here.
<SeanQ> "Adolf, Gunther, Hedda, make sure you wash your faces, brush your teeth, and noridouche before bed."
<agt_orang> alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.nori
<zompist> they're just a haircut apart.
<wabewalkr> "Nasenraum. Wir moechten Nasenraum!"
<spinn_> although now I'm all conscious of crud in my nose
<zompist> erotica.nori? isn't that kind of an oxymoron?
<agt_orang> the "original" nasal passage cleaner? what about the finger?
<zompist> or the pipe cleaner?
<spinn_> "but, papa! noridouche das irritooten mine schnazz, ya?"
<spinn_> "dis should be kerputen in after der couple applikooshens, I'm thinking, no?"
<SeanQ> "EEf ein hear you schnozzenschnoren eisen nacht, eets da OVEN VER YA!"
<agt_orang> "Gesputten der mouthholle open und zei poopenspigot closed, Greta!"
<spinn_> bahhhhhhhhahahahah
<spinn_> poopenspigot
<SeanQ> wahahahah, agt-o, christ
<SeanQ> "poopenspigot" got me too
<spinn_> godDAMN I'm losing it
* Da_Raven passes out from containing her laughter.
<wabewalkr> Heute die Nori, Morgen der Welt...
<CrzyClmbr> must... pretend... to cough...
* SeanQ has German relatives who will soon hear "poopenspigot" in a sentence
<wabewalkr> The family that noridouches together, stays togethere!
<spinn_> I was just thinking, it's good to be back
<agt_orang> we should just post all this fake german as a nori faq page
<spinn_> for a minute there I had to literally hold my nose closed
<wabewalkr> I wonder what would happen if you put lime Jello in Dad's Nori?
<spinn_> 'cos I can't laugh here, but the snnkt that woulda come outta me woulda knocked my cube walls down
<LJ-atwork> if you folks keep "snnnnkkkkkkt"ing, you're gonna need nori
<Da_Raven> "Spreading the Word of Nori since February 1st."
<wabewalkr> February 1 is National Clean Nasal Passage Month, coincidentally.
<agt_orang> Nori: the fountain of Splooosh!
<K-Man^> Nori: Smile wide and CLOSE THAT POOPENSPIGOT!
<agt_orang> Do Not confuse Nori (c) nasal passage cleaner with sushi nori. Damage or even death may occur.
<mdxi> i kept getting images of people with kelp threaded through their noses
<mdxi> but i didn't want to say anything
<spinn_> I'd just about have myself under control, then I'd turn back around to the screen
<zompist> Just Say Yes to Nori
<spinn_> and see "poopenspigot"
<spinn_> and I'd have to look away again
<agt_orang> damn shame that family pic isn't an image map... "Click to see your favorite family member in New-Clear Nori-Action!
<spinn_> I guess the one with the girl in ponytails is the most disturbing, right?
<K-Man^> She looks like she's going to find me and kill me.
<K-Man^> I get that malicious Nori-wielding psycho vibe.
<wabewalkr> The only thing that would make that photo better would be for it to be animated...
<zompist> yes!
<agt_orang> If you sleep over at their house, they make you do it too.
<zompist> the water should be like in simcity!
<CrzyClmbr> i wish the stream coming from her nose was more visible.
<wabewalkr> With "bloop bloop" sound effects.
<zompist> der guesten mussen mit der nori duschen!
<spinn_> the guy with the mustache gotta be the inventor
<wabewalkr> Either that, or somebody with a massive debt to the inventor.
<wabewalkr> "Either pay me the 5000 DM you owe me, or use the Nori(c)!"
<agt_orang> hey, what's the spoon for in that first photo?
<spinn_> compare his noriblow to everyone else's. he has like total gush output there
<SeanQ> i can see him in his little workshop... "Hey honey, check this out."
<SeanQ> "We're gonna be rich!"
<agt_orang> Early testing was a disaster...
<SeanQ> "NOw be a dear and grab me the mop."
<wabewalkr> "Noriblow" is my word of the day.
<zompist> i wonder what the early models worked like.
<SeanQ> wabe: mine is "poopenspigot"
<agt_orang> he learned the hard way to keep his mouth open
<zompist> "i sink der triangle doss not verk."
<wabewalkr> "Here, shove this warering can up your nose."
<spinn_> rob, good onethe early models were 24 pounds made out of steel, and it took three people and four noses to operate properly
<agt_orang> "Okay, turn on der hose... NOT ALL DER VAY!"
<zompist> the next models involved hooking your nose up to a vacuum.
<Da_Raven> agt : I can see him testing it out on the family dog.....
<zompist> "ve keep finding lung tissue in der receptakel. but, ve press on."
<wabewalkr> That's why he has a good flow... his nostrils are permanently dialated.
<zompist> "i vant somesing simple yet elegant. zen, we copyright!"
<agt_orang> "Auf! Auf! (bloosh) jipe jipe jipe jipe!"
<wabewalkr> I wonder if it's dishwasher safe?
<agt_orang> I bet you can autoclave the fucker. You better be able to.
<zompist> if you have good technique, it doesn't get dirty!
<wabewalkr> And what happens if you use regular salt instead of sea salt?
<agt_orang> or Durkee seasoned salt?
<zompist> schweinhund! mit der taffelsalz it choss dossen verk!
<K-Man^> Or garlic salt?
<agt_orang> don't give the bot ops. the little snot.
<zompist> little snot? not with nori(c)!!
<wabewalkr> "Got Snot?"
<mdxi> what if you use potassium chloride?
<zompist> hilarity ensues in the nori household on april 1, when junior switches the salt and sugar in the noris!
<Da_Raven> "Honey, where's the paprika?"
<Kyol> "Unt now mit paprika!"
<agt_orang> on the little girl's pic, it looks like the stream is veering off to the right.
<wabewalkr> Oh, look at the name of the image at the top. "Nori Still Life."
<agt_orang> I wonder if you can get good at it, and do aquatic tricks?
<wabewalkr> Could you keep a goldfish in it when it's not in use?
<agt_orang> Double as a brandy snifter!
<Kyol> He wants FIFTY dollars for this? Jesus!
<zompist> fill it with hot toddy for a cold night.
<wabewalkr> "It's a sniffer!" "It's a snifter!" "Ladies, please! It's a Sniffer and a Snifter!"
<zompist> hmm, they're named like the marmaduke family-- man, woman, girl, boy.
<wabewalkr> "That's one Big Fucking Nori!"
<zompist> "dear mr. steiner. can the nori be used as a marital aid? if so, how?"
<wabewalkr> Man, if I had $50 to blow....
<wabewalkr> Er, no pun intended.
<agt_orang> "Lean forward with the upper part of your body..." okay...
<agt_orang> that must be where I was going wrong.
<zompist> kemlo note-- would this thing really work? the water doesn't get into the sinus cavities, right?
<agt_orang> they're careful to say "Nasal" and not "sinus"
<wabewalkr> Personally, I'd worry that the salt water would leech too much moisture out of the mucus membranes.
* zompist is also glad that they explained what the word "spout" means.
<agt_orang> stick my spout in the outlet? well, okay but I don't !#*&^%@#%&($*^(!
<spinn> what kind of accessories could you have
<spinn> the nori in fashion colors, for one
<spinn> the noricup? for the norimate on the go
<spinn> you know, you're in a train, but you need to cleanse
<agt_orang> hmmm. they need a travel nori, for people on commuter trains
<wabewalkr> "Ask me how my nose is so clean!"
<agt_orang> "Nori: It's All Water Under The Bridge"
<wabewalkr> Oh, great idea! Combine the hygenics of the Nori with the practicality of the Beer Hat.
<agt_orang> the Closed-Circuit Nori! Use it again and again!
<wabewalkr> I see Sharper Image here, people!
<spinn> yeah, like a nose ring
<spinn> but ade out of a glass tube
<spinn> start the feedback in the morning...feel the nori all day
<agt_orang> goddamn, I gotta get one just to do it while I stick my head out of the car window on the highway...

Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com