#spinnwebe Logs : Jamcracker!


<Da_Raven> Speaking of bizarre advertising practices.... I almost thought this was a joke article....
<Da_Raven> I laughed so hard at bits - it's about naming companies. Wait until you get to the Jamcracker part.
<Da_Raven> Because I had the *exact same reaction*.
<Leth^> hehehe....that's even better than the marketing fiasco we had over at Nortel where they wanted to rename our Annex server to Adapteon. The employee general meeting spontaneously erupted in laughter at that
<Leth^> "Adapteon, Defender of Good, and Giant Transformer!"
<spinn> what the hell is an agilent?
<kaufman> spinn: sounds like an erectile dysfunction
<SeanQ> "think outside the nine dots"?
<SeanQ> what the fuck does /that/ mean?
<spinn> you know. nine dots.
<spinn> The Nine Dots Of Thinking Inside the Box
<spinn> the eight dots of the corners of the box, and the center
<mdxi> Think Outside The Hypercube
<SeanQ> heh, we have naming issues every time we launch a fragrance
<SeanQ> of course, we resolve them with acts of genius like "Newly Bathed Baby"
<spinn> I have an agilent onvia, and I'm on aggressive therapy
<Da_Raven> Yeah, what bright star came up with Freshly Washed Baby?
<SeanQ> the owner, rave
* Da_Raven starts coughing.
<spinn> I see like a ren and stimpy cartoon of that
<spinn> like a commercial
<spinn> the four step process
<spinn> get a baby, wash a baby, wring out the baby over a bottle, package the bottle
<Nate-O> Throw out baby
* Da_Raven envisions a vat of babies in life jackets bobbing gently.
<SeanQ> damn, would you give millions of dollars for a corporate name to a company called "Idiom" or "A Hundred Monkeys"?
<spinn> AAA A Hundred Monkeys
<spinn> A AAA Aardvark Alphabetically First Cleaners
<agt_orang> that always says class-- AAA
<Leth^> "Well, sir, we have Aquilent, Nhzdweg, 890h76g57^ and NMJ)&&%)_. Which sounds most like your company?"
<agt_orang> AAA Aaron's Bail Bonds
<kaufman> AA AAA Drunk Driver Road Service
<Nate-O> AAA AA Stuttering School
<kaufman> oh yes, Telegent -- sounds like the opposite of Intelligent -- really bright name there
<mdxi> the epic struggle between AAA Anderson Electric and AA Aarnold Electric
<Da_Raven> What the fuck was up with Jamcracker, though?
<Da_Raven> Does anyone else find that name vaguely creepy or *is* it a female thing?
<Leth^> actually, I don't feel creeped out about it personally, but I'd be hardpressed to name my company JamCracker
<Da_Raven> Unless you made crackers and jam or something.
<Leth^> it sounds like a clinic for anorexic parrots
<agt_orang> JamCracker counds like a vanity plate for a 1984 280-Z
<Leth^> "But the jam is *IN* the cracker! No spreading needed!"
<kaufman> a rastaman living in South Carolina
<SeanQ> did you catch this dipshit quote:
<SeanQ> But if it's your own brand, how can you possibly be objective? I mean, would you name your own baby?" Redhill thinks for a minute, then backpedals. "I mean, of course you would name your own baby.
<spinn> bahaha
<Leth^> "After freshly washing it, of course"
<spinn> oh that's an excellent quote.
<CrzyClmbr> oh man
<SeanQ> and wringing it over a huge stainless steel vat
<Da_Raven> Yeah, there were so many goofy-ass quotes like that that it made me wonder if this was a parody article.
<Da_Raven> But apparently these people are serious. And that's scary.
<SeanQ> there's another guy who goes on for half a paragraph about how they play games and do these exercises to get names
<SeanQ> they asked him for his latest creation, and he said "I-Motors"
<Da_Raven> Or how "US Air" was changed to "US Airways" *and it made all the difference*.
<spinn> it did for me
<Da_Raven> "What we found is that if you stretch the name a little bit -- don't throw it out, just stretch it a little bit -- you create the perception of a larger, more substantial airline. Strategically and structurally, we are now oriented toward the international."
<spinn> I send them weekly check for $150 just for the hell of it
<Leth^> "...tend to ignore the client's wishes" Yeah, that's what I want from a company I'm paying
<spinn> well actually, in that case I can see that.
<Leth^> We actually prefer that clients don't fall in love with the name," says Rick Bragden of Lexicon. "If they fall in love with the name, it's a good sign there's something wrong with the name."
<Da_Raven> Because names should grow on you. Like a fungus.
<Leth^> I can agree with it, too, spinn, but not something I'd publicize
<spinn> naviant.
<SeanQ> We're not really interested in what the client wants," he says. "What we do reflects what the client needs.
<spinn> yeah, I want my corporate name decided by a companit called naviant.
<mdxi> i still think Silicon Graphics deciding to become "sgi" was one of the most boneheaded moves ever. i mean, they were *already* sgi to most people and they had the world's coolest logo.
<mdxi> well, them and Sun.
<SeanQ> "I know you came to NaviSpa for a facial, but we really think you need an enema."
<Da_Raven> Sounds like a toy that Lore would put on Brunching. "Avilent" "Navitia" "Telerati"
<spinn> naviant seems like a contraction of "naive" and "savant"
<Da_Raven> I can't even figure out how to pronounce "Agilent"
<spinn> ABC Namebank
<spinn> man.
<spinn> these companies have such damn stupid names already
<agt_orang> "Naive" + "Client" = naviant
<spinn> it's playful! it's joyious! yet businesslike. and corporate.
<spinn> what?!
<Da_Raven> "Hundred Monkeys" was kinda neat, although that means everyone refers to them as "the monkeys"/
<spinn> my guess is /AJ-ul-ent/
<spinn> I think it's okay but the "A" is distracting
<agt_orang> "Agilent! Must be Italian!"
<kaufman> Bahr and Siefert are thrilled with their Monkey-furnished name -- "98point6." "It's perfect," says Bahr. "It's just what we wanted. No Latin roots.
<kaufman> except of course for the numbers
<Da_Raven> Reminds me of _Christmas Story_ and frah-GEE-lay.
<CrzyClmbr> well, the numbers have arabic roots.
<agt_orang> the receptionist will spend all day explaining it to callers
<spinn> what?!
<agt_orang> "No, the number 98, then spell out point, not dot..."
<spinn> mactemps changed their name to Aquent?!
<spinn> I want to get a temp with mac experience. where do I go? Aquent!
<Da_Raven> Aqua Net? Isn't that the Hairspay of Death?
<spinn> aquent that puppy! consider it aquented!
<Leth^> no, I think that was an example of a functional name that actually describes the company's function
<kaufman> Glident?
<Leth^> unless I misread it
<kaufman> It's a toothpaste!
<spinn> article compares it to mouthwash, actually.
<SeanQ> i thought Aquent was springwater
<mdxi> actually, "point" is from the latin "punctus" by way of Old French and Middle English
<mdxi> so much for that
<SeanQ> i think they pronounce it "ah-kay-ent"
<spinn> In addition to Naviant, Kapella's brag book includes Navistar and Tempstar, Telegy and Telegent, Verbex and Azurex, Nortel and Meritel.
<Da_Raven> I like names that make sense, like MacTemps or TixToGo.
<Da_Raven> The new names suck, IMO.
<spinn> man would they hate "spinnwebe"
<kaufman> www.jamcracker.com not found
<spinn> yah, the sense I'm getting from this article is that it's /extremely/ ivory tower
<Leth^> shit, ok, I did misread it....that was a pretty stupid name change
<kaufman> ack-went!
<spinn> yeah, what dumbass uses "yahoo"?
<Leth^> "Let's see if I'm explaining this correctly," says Nunzio Domellici, an Aquent vice president. "The root of 'sequential' is 'quent.' 'Quent' itself is not a Latin word. But if it were a Latin word, it would mean, 'follower.' Or 'not a follower.' They share the same root." Domellici pauses. "Anyway, it's not something we stress when we pick up the phone
<Leth^> "In other words, I haven't a fucking clue"
<Da_Raven> Because when I think tickets to go, I think "ACTEVA"!
<spinn> part of the meetings were spend guiding the ceo through the explanation of the naming process
<kaufman> I guess you can sell letters at $37.5K a pop to a company that can't even spell
<agt_orang> I takes Verbex for my gout, Azurex for the piles, and I was takin' Telegy, but I couldn't get it up so I switched to Meritel.
<spinn> but meritel gave me da male itch, so I got gold bond powder
<Leth^> (lawyer voice) Do not take Azurex if you are O+ blood type, pregnant, breathing or currently alive. Do not take Azurex with any food, water, or any other drug whatsoever. Side effects include drowsiness, itching and occasional explosions."
<SeanQ> "jamcracker" reminds me of when Ford named their new midsize the "Probe"
<agt_orang> Do not look directly at the Azurex tablet without the special comfort-fit goggles.
<SeanQ> there were women who refused to test-drive them
<Leth^> Do not taunt the Azurex tablet.
<kaufman> And NEVER take Azurex in conjunction with Jamcracker.
<agt_orang> The new Ford Fouling Piece!
<kaufman> The Ford Speculum
<Leth^> The Cheverolet Deflowering Tool!
<spinn> "Drunk. Confidently."
<kaufman> oh yeah, sean, that guy's metaphorically magnificent
<SeanQ> heh, or this gem: It was like digging into a huge watermelon on a summer day, just breaking it down, piece by piece.
<agt_orang> he's made a career out of making up names that sound like piers anthony characters.
<SeanQ> so the naming process was like a Hundred Monkeys humping a watermelon
<Leth^> God, I hope they spit out the seeds safely
<agt_orang> come out to the picnic and reverse engineer the fruit

Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com