The sun starts sinking as the party sits there in the sand not doing much.

[Illustrations by Dungeonmaster Mark Rosenfelder.]

<Lore> I have this odd urge to play D&D.
<Lore> I can't decide between an Elven Monk and a Gnome Barbarian.
<wabewalkr> Hm.
<wabewalkr> Elven Monk.
<zompist> we can simulate the experience for you here, lore.
<tieboy> Gnome Barbarian. You get that "I'm short and dangerous" comedy angle
<Lore> Play-by-spinnwebe
<zompist> well, the playing part.
<zompist> the spend-six-hours-rolling-up-a-character you have to do on your own.
<zompist> man, i hated the accounting angle of d&d. keep track of players' gold pieces and hit points and shit.
<wabewalkr> Rolling up characters was the fun part... that's why they died off so frequently.
<tieboy> their bones tended to snap
<Leth> yeah, zomp. My brother has it easy now, he got a Palm Pilot for his borthday last year, and has a bunch of character stats apps
<zompist> ok, lore, you're standing on a windswept, bare plain. in front of you is a trail leading down to a half-buried gate.
<Lore> Am I a Gnome Barbarian?
<zompist> you tell me. :)
<tieboy> can I play?
<zompist> sure!
<Lore> Okay. Um. Um. I finish burying the gate.
<zompist> what are you, tieboy? lore seems to be a gnome barbarian.
<tieboy> I'll be a Dwarven Theif
<tieboy> a Female Dwarven Theif
<Kyol> Go with what you know, huh tie?
<Kyol> Oh, wait.
<tieboy> still applies
* SeanQ-lunch is stil here, still trying to read thru that log
<Lore> My name is Guthor Cut-edge.
<tieboy> I'm Betsy
<zompist> ok. you've buried the gate. too bad, 'cos the dungeon down there is where all the action is.
* tieboy hides in the shadows
<babich> Im a half orc ballerina
<SeanQ-gives-up-on-lunch> i woulds bet you'd have picked 'Debbie'
<zompist> like dan?
<SeanQ-gives-up-on-lunch> snnkkt
<wabewalkr> Cold, zomp.
<Lore> Oh, that's right. I really should be Elfstar. Elfstar the Gnome Barbarian.
* tieboy tries to decide on boots. High/hard? Low/hard? Low/soft?
<tieboy> pumps?
<zompist> jeez, wabe, lighten up. i like dan.
<babich> pump hard?
<wabewalkr> fuck-me-now-high-heeled-jackboots, tie. Go for those.
<zompist> the sun starts sinking as the party sits there in the sand not doing much
* tieboy climbs a wall
<Lore> I'm wearing the skin of a catamount and I have a pickaxe.
* tieboy checks for traps
* raven perches on the ruins of the gate and watches.
<zompist> the catamount appears in a nearby tree, hisses viciously.
<wabewalkr> Suddenly an asteroid strikes! All members of the party take 100d10 damage!
<zompist> no, no, this is not foxtrot.
<Lore> A skinless catamount?
* tieboy rolls for a save vs. wabewalker
<zompist> lore: why do you think it's pissed?
* tieboy wonders how he can hold 653,679,210 gp in a small sack
<tieboy> ooh, i can pick the lock if we dig up the gate
* raven pecks at the catamount's eyes.
<Lore> This is the moment for which I was born. Holding my pickaxe to my forehead and asking for the blessings of Gymnorythump, my goddess and protector, I unleasht he rage within.
<zompist> if you don't want to unbury the door, there's a tower over on the next hill you can check out.
<Lore> Screaming with fury, eyes wild and beard scruffy, I charge the catamount.
<CrazyClimber> oooh! CDs!
<zompist> the catamount squeals and runs away.
* tieboy wonders why he bought a 10' pole
<zompist> named kowalsky?
<Lore> I pursue. I've got a rage to work out.
* tieboy picks lore's pocket
* babich pets his vorpal kitty
<Lore> I only get one a day at first level, and I aim to use it.
<zompist> you find the catamount cowering behind a bush.
<KemloCaesar> babich - interesting euphemism
<tieboy> let's feed it
* babich drinks busch
<zompist> it weakly swipes a paw at you, but misses.
<zompist> its eyes are large, moist, and pleading.
<KemloCaesar> it is not a catamount, but a catamite
<Lore> That sort of passive-aggressiveness only pisses barbarians off more.
<zompist> it would look kind of cute, only it's all naked and bleeding from raven wounds.
<tieboy> yeah, kill it
* tieboy pulls out his LONG BOW
<Lore> With little or no mercy, I swing my mighty gnome-sized pickaxe.
<zompist> did i mention that the catamount is about six feet tall?
* babich rubs its fur the wrong way...with +2 malice
<zompist> you nick off its left paw cleanly
* tieboy attacks with his battle axe
<Lore> Ha-ha!
<tieboy> er. her battle axe
<Lore> Can thieves use batle axes?
<tieboy> i'm a dwarf
* SeanQ-gives-up-on-lunch just read zomp's "kowalski" line and burst out, causing numerous people to stare at him
<zompist> the catamount swipes at lore with its other paw and its nasty sharp claws
<zompist> two points damage, suckah
<tieboy> can i play with a deck of many things?
* Lore makes a mark on the character sheet.
<Kyol> I never really understood the whole class->weapon selection thing, other than as a way to make an artificial class distinction.
<Lore> Two marks, actually.
<KemloCaesar> The catamount catamite mounts tieboy
* tieboy attempts to backstab the thing we're fighting
<Lore> Well, if we're playing second edition, I'm dead.
<zompist> the catamount isn't all that bright, and doesn't see you coming.
* SeanQ-gives-up-on-lunch attacks the Catamount with a bottle opener, drinks deeply of the sweet nectar within
<zompist> you succeed in putting it out of its misery.
<Lore> Cleric!
* tieboy attempts to backstab the cleric too
<zompist> lore, you still have 4 points left, by my reckoning.
<Lore> Works for me.
* Lore bucks up.
* Lore plans what he's going to do with his experience points.
* tieboy checks the catamout for secret doors
<Lore> I'm thinking candy.
<zompist> oh, yeah, what's a catamount worth?
<tieboy> i should get the xp. i killed it
* babich uses his open fist attack on the menonite
<zompist> whatever it is, you get it
<Lore> I try to track the catamount.
* babich bitch slaps the god boy
<Kyol> zomp: Play D&D with Paranoia rules. Just wing it.
* tieboy hides under the catamount
<wabewalkr> Cleric?
<Lore> I think a catamount should be just enough to knock us up to second level.
* raven finishes snacking on the catamount's eyes.
<wabewalkr> I never understood that joke.
<zompist> actually i'm using the rules of my old mentor in life avoidance, mike paleczny.
* tieboy feels a surge of power as he gains about 2 hitpoints
<Lore> Hey, a familiar.
<Lore> Actually, she's a vaguely familiar.
<raven> A nodding acquaintance, at least.
<CrazyClimber> or play D&D by Pictionary rules. "A bird in the hand! And it has 15 hit points!"
<Lore> I feel like I've seen this familiar before, but I can't place where.
<zompist> i don't think you gain a whole level for stabbing a skinless catamount.
<Lore> Sort of a deja vu.
<wabewalkr> Damn, Lore's too fast.
* tieboy picks the catamount
<zompist> i mean, if it had its hair, maybe.
* Lore takes off his catamount skin and places it back around the catamount.
* Lore then hits it with the pickaxe again.
<Lore> It twitched!
* tieboy props up the catamout and moves it around fearsomely
<tieboy> argh! look at this deadly battle!

<raven> Damn fighters, always messing around with lunch!
<Kyol> Oh thank god I'm at home today.
<zompist> ok, since you won't go to the tower, the tower comes to you. a mounted trio of badasses contemplates you from atop tamed wildebeesten.
<tieboy> I am EXPERIENCING some things!
<PadreKemlo> use the catamount as a catamite, dammit
* tieboy puts lore on her shoulders
<zompist> kemlo, you're really getting into this catamite thing too much.
*** Leth is now known as UnpronouncableDeity
<UnpronouncableDeity> Who wants a smite?
<Lore> Are these lowland badasses?
<Lore> I get a +1 against lowland badasses.
<zompist> you don't recognize their odd clothes and gang signals.
* babich jumps up and down...."smite me..smite me...ooooooh oooooohhhoooooooohh me meme ooooooh"
* tieboy rolls for surprise
* Lore rolls for initiative.
* PadreKemlo invokes his Unpronounceable Deity
*** babich has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by UnpronouncableDeity (consider yourself smoten)
<PadreKemlo> Smite them, that they shall be smoten!
<zompist> the badasses roll on the floor
<zompist> oh wait, that's kemlo who does that
* babich stops drops and rolls
<Lore> Someone should hail them.
<babich> how much experience do I get for being killed then reincarnated
<Lore> Or turn them.
* PadreKemlo holds up his Staff of Turning
<Lore> Either way, I don't think it should be the naked gnome with a pickaxe who does it.
<tieboy> If only we had recruited a Wayans
<zompist> Badass #1, the one with the really good turban, asks who is in charge of your party.
* raven divebombs the badasses. *splut*!
<Lore> Is there anyone here who didn't put his or her lowest score in Charisma?
* tieboy points to the catamount
* raven is +4 for Smartass Trickster, does that count?
<Lore> It's not really a party. More of a little get-together.
<zompist> Badass #1: "Surely thou, who fuckest thy mother, joketh."
* tieboy shows a little leg
* PadreKemlo gasps
<PadreKemlo> Such language!
<Lore> Is it a lowland fuckest?
<zompist> goddammit. "jokest." i hate when people do that.
* tieboy falls safely from considerable height
<Lore> All right. Bless me, Padre, because I'm about to kick some wiildebeest-riding ass.
* tieboy detects a sound
<zompist> the badasses play some cards while waiting
* raven puts on her best poker face.
* CrazyClimber notices the cards are marked
<zompist> the badasses get into a little argument about popular yodellers
<Lore> Is it a Deck of Many Things?
* tieboy draws shoot an arrow at badass #1
<zompist> no, looks like a standard marked deck
<Lore> Do they look like they might have magic items?
* babich removes some reefer and junk from his bag of Holding
<zompist> the badasses admire the picture of an arrow
<PadreKemlo> Well, *surely* the cards are marked.
<tieboy> er, oops
<Lore> I track them.
<PadreKemlo> Otherwise, it would be gambling, and a sin.
<zompist> of course they're marked. and stop calling me shirley.
*** troika (~me@adsl-138-88-62-155.dc.adsl.bellatlantic.net) has joined channel #spinnwebe
<PadreKemlo> A troika approaches!
* raven plays a Tim and Llanowar Elves.
<zompist> lore: you track them to a position ten feet away where they're standing.
* tieboy buries the badasses
<Lore> Good enough. I pull out my bola and throw it at them.
<babich> troika=conquestador?
* PadreKemlo blesses the Bola of nbsp
<CrazyClimber> when do they all have sex?
<zompist> Badass #2 intercepts the bola with a mace, connects-- it's out of the park!
* troika conquers all of you
* tieboy pulls out his dagger, walks up to badass #3, and attempts to stab him or her
<CrazyClimber> D&D campaigns always involve sex, right?
<raven> cc : considering the usual participants, that's a bit icky.
<zompist> it's a him
<tieboy> him, then
<zompist> his name is Morgreth

* Lore pulls out a flask of oil, lights the wick, and throws it.
* PadreKemlo curses Morgreth in the name of Schumin
<zompist> he'd be good-looking if he bathed.
<CrazyClimber> is that his first or last name?
<Lore> I forgot about the flaming oil!
<babich> his equiped with tattoos, piercings, and a +1 skateboard
<babich> also has +2 vans of unmistakable angst
*** PadreKemlo has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by UnpronouncableDeity (Blasphemer)
* PadreKemlo prostrates himself on the ground
<tieboy> I say "Morgreth? How about DEADgreth!"
<zompist> Badass #3 picks up Betsy rather in the way max picks up fleeing rats.
<Lore> Oooh! Oooooh! That's it!
<Lore> I'm pulling out my Dire Flail.
<zompist> morgreth draws a sword, one of those long, sharp, pointy ones
<tieboy> well, i AM easy
<babich> how bout less-greth
<Lore> And I'm ATTACKING! I'm attacking with my DIRE FLAIL!
<tieboy> what am i doing?
<Lore> I am attempting to roll a TWENTY!
<jacquilyn> I always knew Leth was a God.
<zompist> oh, you are, aren't you. forgot about that.
* UnpronouncableDeity bestows blessings on jacquilyn
<zompist> ok, you land a solid blow on badass #3.
*** Morwen () has joined channel #spinnwebe
<zompist> betsy falls to the ground with a loud thump.
<Lore> I snarl barbarically.
<zompist> the loud thump scurries away, cursing.
* tieboy reminisces about the time we killed that defenseless catamount
<Lore> Fall, damn you! Fall, so that I may loot your body fro trinkets!
* PadreKemlo blesses the looters
<Lore> Ha! Ho! Whump!
<wabewalkr> Have they visited the tavern yet?
<zompist> they haven't moved from the vicinity.
<PadreKemlo> send their souls to the Pits of Schumin!
<Lore> I bet you have a ring of etherealness and a rod of lordly might and a +2 greatsword!
* tieboy leaps to action, and rolls for "bribe official"
<Lore> Ho! Ha!
* raven comically drops a barrel over a badass from above.
<zompist> morgreth suddently decides that betsy is awfully cute
<Lore> I'm continuing to attack, with nittle or no concern for my health or nudity.
* CrazyClimber pantses a badass and discovers how they got their name
<zompist> the barrel splits over badass #2's head, spilling mead all over
<tieboy> Well, I... I look after myself, is all.
<Lore> Then I track them again. Any change?
<zompist> badass #1 splits open babich's head, just 'cos he's not paying attentoin.
<tieboy> So, maybe you'd like to... i dunno... DIE????
* tieboy stab stab stab
<zompist> babich is at 0 points
<babich> My flagon was empty....I was too depressed!
* raven takes a moment to finish off the rest of the mead.
<Lore> That's the cleric's concern.
* CrazyClimber ties the badasses' shoelaces together
* Morwen 's not picky, licks the spilled mead off the floor.
<Lore> I'm still working towards that Scroll of Insect Plague.
<SeanQ> Betsy: quick, flex your +3 Kegels of Clenching
<babich> I fire my magic missils at them...not that they'll fuckin do anything
<zompist> lore succeeds in puncturing badass #2's navel, causing peritonitis
* tieboy stops to scoop up some xp she dropped
<zompist> babich, you can't, you're in a coma.
<babich> crap
<zompist> * the dm tries to remember what the hell badass #1 is up to
* UnpronouncableDeity visits Morwen, asks if she's interested in some "divine intervention"
<tieboy> have i done any damage? at all?
* Morwen hiccups and grumbles something about "sure".
<zompist> morgreth invites betsy to the local inn for some high-stakes strip poker
* UnpronouncableDeity has to visit this bar more often
<Lore> Now I pull out my guisarme and my ranseur and my gendarme.
<babich> Zomp: sorry I was resetting my +3 Linux server...I apperantly forgot to pray to the Great Torvalds this turn
<PadreKemlo> and lo, Morwen is blessed!
<Samwise> I'm getting drunk!
<babich> am I in a magical coma?
<zompist> badass #2 falls off his wildebeest.
<Samwise> Am I drunk yet?
<Lore> I loot his body.
<zompist> no, you're in the sort of coma that ensues after having your head split open.
* tieboy searches babich for useful items
<babich> ohhhhhhhhh
<Morwen> Hurrah! Er, you sure you wanna do that? Morwen was my thief/assassin character. heh
* raven picks up anything shiny she finds on the bodies.
<Samwise> Am I there yet?
<Lore> If I see a chicken-lizard thing, I avert my gaze.
<PadreKemlo> oh blessed UnpronounceableDeity, make holy this looting of corpses
<zompist> while you're doing that, badass #2 inflicts a grievous wound on one of your favorite extremities. -2 point
<UnpronouncableDeity> :D
<Lore> Ohh, that's gotta hurt, tieboy.
<babich> am I at least voiding myself to the point that no one picks my pockets...+2 voiding maybe?
<Lore> You'd better get that dressed.
<tieboy> i thought that was you
* PadreKemlo pulls out the Holy Nori and sprinkles salt water on the bodies
<Samwise> OK, back when I was in town, I bought a mirror and some rope, OK?
* Morwen decides to test her blessing and picks raven's pockets.
* raven pecks Morwen's eyes out.
<zompist> sorry, that was #1 who did that. #2 is down and out.
<tieboy> oh crap
<Lore> No, it was clearly you. Look. It hurts.
<UnpronouncableDeity> OK, who wants me to visit them as a shower of gold
<zompist> i thought it was lore too, but if tie wants the damage he can have it.
<UnpronouncableDeity> c'mon, it worked for Zeus....
* Morwen shrieks. "You call that a blessing?" and proceeds to stumble around blindly.
* tieboy attacks whoever may have attacked him
* raven gets zotted for blinding Morwen.
<babich> Whos gonna fight my gelatinous pube?
<zompist> morgreth picks up betsy again and repeats his strip poker offer
<tieboy> besides, i get to roll for back protection
* UnpronouncableDeity heals Morwen, and offers to "comfort her"
* Lore trundles over to the cleric for some sweet, sweet healing.
<Lore> Lay it on me, Padre.
* Morwen stumbles into PadreKemlo and blindly attempts to pick his pockets as well. (Can't let a little thing like no eyes stop me.)
* tieboy says "Sure, just turn around and hold still, first..."
* UnpronouncableDeity saw that pic of Morwen at New Year's
<PadreKemlo> Open thy nose to the Holy Nori, my son
<zompist> morgreth, a.k.a. badass #3, gallops off, still holding betsy!
<tieboy> "and forget I'm behind you for a second"
<tieboy> hey!
* raven flies after morgreth.
<Lore> I'm a gnome. My nose is always open.
* Morwen realizing she can see now, she backs away and take up Deity on his offer of comfort.
<zompist> badass #1 gives up waiting for more gnome attacks, and follows
<raven> Besty still has some loot to pilfer! Come back!
* babich , even in his coma, shudders when he over hears padrekemlo tell someone that its thier 'little secret'
<Morwen> (okay, so she was a thief/assassin/whore, sue me)
<tieboy> I'm not happy with this stereotypicl damsel in distress role
* PadreKemlo pours the Fluids of Thel through the Holy Nori
<zompist> the catamount, though warm in its restored skin, is still dead.
<Lore> Oh, GREAT. Now we gotta rescue the dwarf.
<Lore> I search the catamount.
* UnpronouncableDeity makes Morwen see God
<zompist> try searching badass #2
<Samwise> I check for secret doors.
<SeanQ> tie: shut up, sit back and enjoythe inevitable
<SeanQ> :D
* tieboy attacks morgwalter or whetever his name is
<Lore> Okay. I search all dead people and things.
<jacquilyn> Would this stuff be funny if I had ever played Dungeons and Dragons?
<Lore> Lay it on me. Is it a wand?
<zompist> morgreth takes betsy's attacks as ticklings and chuckles
<UnpronouncableDeity> jac: yes
<Samwise> jacqui: yes, you'd be laughing hysterically.
<UnpronouncableDeity> what kind of geek are you, anyhow?
<jacquilyn> The kidn who never played dungeons and dragons.
* raven catches up with Morgreth and Betsy and manages to pocket betsy's gold.
* Morwen deafens everyone with her ooo's and aaah's.
<babich> am I healed yet?
<Lore> Ooh! Ooh! I bet it's a complete set of ioun stones!
<SeanQ> *** tieboy rols 1d4play
<zompist> it looks like a +1 Stick of Anti-Perspiration, a big old sword, and a pamphlet showing naked elf women
* PadreKemlo checks Babich's pockets
<Lore> Wow. All that on a catamount.
<PadreKemlo> you have to donate to the church of UnpronounceableDeity first
* tieboy is glad she shaved above her knees
<Lore> I put all that in my POCKET.
<zompist> no, you doof, that was badass #2.
<Samwise> Can I relearn my spells yet?
<Lore> So now there's a lot of valuable items in my POCKET.
<zompist> the catamount didn't have anything worth taking.
* tieboy stabs the wildebeest he is on
<zompist> ooh, nice move!
<zompist> the wildebeest, annoyed, dies.
* raven strings a line across the road ahead of morgreth, trying to rescue betsy.
* PadreKemlo curses the Catamount to the Dungeons of Robandmarge!
<Morwen> Anyone need anyone murdered? :aimlessly tosses her black 3-bladed dagger of death up in the air:
<tieboy> ha!
<Lore> Okay. Now to business.
<zompist> morgreth and betsy sail amusingly through the air, before falling with a large plop.
<babich> by the powers of grey skull! IM STILL DEAD!
* tieboy picks up the plop and hits mogwart with it
* raven loots morgreth's body.
<SeanQ> babich: you're jus tpiing
<Lore> If only I had some skill to help me find out where people or beasts have gone, perhaps by examining the landscape for signs of their passage.

<SeanQ> er... just pining
<zompist> morgreth foils this by swatting at the raven with his mace.
* Morwen 's* dagger plunges to earth and lands embedded in the Padre's foot as Morwen is distracted by another pocket.
<PadreKemlo> *I* have the skill to find out where etc.
<babich> noo no...I Like TPing better
* raven retaliates with cardamom!
<Lore> Hey, have I gotten my hit points back yet?
<zompist> lore: a grizzled old man wheezes, "they... wente... thataway."
* tieboy pulls out a sap and tries to hit mogweth on the back of the head
<Lore> I track the old man.
<TMR> Lore: They're being FedExed.
* Samwise removes the old man's disguise to reveal Bugs Bunny
* babich tosses +1 fraternity toilet paper at his enemies
* PadreKemlo removes the Bugs Bunny disguise to reveal Bil Keane
* UnpronouncableDeity removes the Bugs Bunny mask to reveal...
<UnpronouncableDeity> Mr Carmichael! The Amusement Park owner!
* SeanQ gives up, plays furious george
<zompist> time stops as the dm takes a break to fetch his lunch
<PadreKemlo> dammit. I know I've been here too long when I perceive that as "felch his lunch"
<UnpronouncableDeity> snkkt
* babich goes to smoke a but, so...Ill probably be gone til tomarrow
<UnpronouncableDeity> ok, that worked
* tieboy searches the dead beast for illusions
* Morwen is caught in a strange pose reaching to pull her dagger out of the Padres foot.
*** babich is now known as babidleich
* zompist is back. yummy chicken sandwich!
* raven sighs and waits, covered with spices.
<zompist> morgreth offers betsy 200 gold pieces to desert the gnome and join the badass gang.
<zompist> morgreth outlines an attractive package of health benefits
<Morwen> Oh, I missed something, how'd THAT happen? (raven covered in spices)
* tieboy has jumped into the air before the pause, and hangs there to comically
<PadreKemlo> blessed art thou, oh UnpronounceableDeity, who hath created chicken, and bread, and put them together to be sandwiches
<raven> morwen : mace vs. cardamom.
<Lore> Wait. I recognize this!
<tieboy> Geez, man, get the hint! I don't like you in that way
<Morwen> Ahhhh, gottcha.
<Lore> This is Module U2: Keep Off the Borderlands!
<Morwen> Hard to follow this AND make it look like you're also working. haha
* raven wants to know if she found any loot on morgreth.
<raven> Before the seasoning, that is.
<tieboy> I know I'm supposed to fall for the rugged stranger who I don't get along with and who reacts to my violent attacks in a bemused fashion
<zompist> it looks like he has some loot, but he's still alive.
* Lore takes the hint and trots after the dwarf-babe.
* UnpronouncableDeity goes to contemplate something mere mortals cannot understand. Like Rice Krispie Treats, and why there are none left in the cabinet.
<PadreKemlo> behold, the sacred Rice Krispie Treats
<zompist> tie: nah, it's just dramatic tension. the dm is trying to split up your party by subterfuge.
<PadreKemlo> the Death Cookies
<Lore> But first, I skin the badass I killed and wear his pelt.
* Morwen yanks her dagger uncerimoniously out of the Padre's foot.
<tieboy> oh. okay, i go along with the guy then
<zompist> eeeeww, without washing it?
* PadreKemlo distributes Rice Krispie Treats
<zompist> ok... you learn the secret badass handshake and get your decoder ring
<Lore> Okay. Where are we? What's going on?
<Lore> Am I near the dead wildebeest yet?
<zompist> sure.
* babidleich decomposses ....uh...magically
*** Signoff: babidleich (call the police)
<PadreKemlo> No, you've been walking in the wrong direction
<Lore> Great. Is Betsy here?
<Samwise> Oh, and I also got some henchmen in town... Hrothgar and.. uh.. Nothrothgar.
<tieboy> I wish Lore had said something like "Stay alive, no matter what occurs."
<TMR> Where's Grignr?
<SeanQ> on the island with Gilligan
* PadreKemlo slaps TMR around with a +5 Trout of Slapping
<tieboy> Where am I now/
<zompist> lore, after a long trek made even longer by your comically short little gnome legs, you find badass #1, morgreth, and betsy.
* Morwen stands in the shadows tripping unsuspecting passersby.
<raven> Hey, and me!
<zompist> morgreth has his meaty arm around betsy
<PadreKemlo> I now pronounce Morgreth and Betsy
<zompist> oh, yeah, there's this big flaping black bird too
<PadreKemlo> - unless anyone has any objections?
* raven is snacking on the dead wildebeest.
<TMR> "Morgreth. Morgreth Schumin."
* Lore trips.
<zompist> mohr-grehth and beh-tsee
* PadreKemlo goes through the wedding rehearsal
<Lore> Hello, Badass! How goes it?
<raven> Can I be the flower girl? Can I? Can I?
<tieboy> I'm torn between being true to my roots, staying with the gang, or finding some chain-mail lingerie and just getting down with it
<tieboy> oh, wait, i'm a theif. No chain mail
* Morwen gingerly steals the bouquet.
<Lore> A dwarf in lingerie. Just what this adventure needs.
* raven gifts tie with a leather teddy.
<tieboy> wait, uh. i'm getting married?
<PadreKemlo> Yes
<zompist> badass #1, whose name is mandagroth, suggests to you and morgreth that gnomes are mighty tasty
<PadreKemlo> weren't you paying attention?
<PadreKemlo> I'm performing the service
<Lore> Uh-oh. I pull out my +4 thermal detonator.
<raven> Or you're dinner. Either or.
* CrazyClimber sets up the honeymoon webcam
<PadreKemlo> Yes.
<zompist> morgreth suggests that the wedding can wait for the post-gnome-death thing
* tieboy tries to stab padrekemlo
<PadreKemlo> Bob - since this is a D&D-verse, "webcam" has an entirely different meaning
<Lore> Thirty thousand. no less.
<PadreKemlo> think giant spiders
<Lore> Right. It refers to a sort of "camera" that takes pictures and puts them on a kind of "world-wide web."
* CrazyClimber sends out email to 100,000 guaranteed email addresses, offering them one-night subscriptions at $10.95 or one-month subscriptions at $60 even
* raven signs up using money she appropriated from the groom.
<zompist> badass #1 points ut that the gnome is wearing a nice pelt that would fetch 50 gold pieces back in Thanaus Vaur
<TMR> And a promise of no big buttery men just spanking it?
* CrazyClimber resends the mail to TMR 20 more times
<CrazyClimber> this is the nice thing about D&D. Spammers end up looking pretty decent.
<zompist> morgreth signs up for the webcam
<zompist> morgreth is a sucker for stuff like that
* CrazyClimber watches the money roll in while he goes to lunch
*** CrazyClimber is now known as CCsLunchin
* Samwise sells morgeth a vacation house in the seventh circle of hell
* tieboy gives his character sketch really big breasts.
<zompist> morgreth's jaw drops down to the ground like in a tex avery cartoon
* tieboy throws the decoder ring into morgeth's gullet
<tieboy> the EXPLODING decoder ring
<PadreKemlo> oh lord, bless thou this exploding decoder ring
* raven grabs betsy and pulls her out of morgreth's arms.
<Lore> I knew I could count on you, Betsy. I've always had a thing for women with ear hair.
<zompist> morgreth swallows, burps, explodes
<Lore> I search the gibs.
* TMR pockets a kidney
* PadreKemlo bashes Morgreth's severed head in with his Bible
<raven> I call dibs on the eyes!
<PadreKemlo> Certainly, my child
<Lore> Am I second level yet?
* raven returns to looting the shiny bits off the corpse. Or, in this case, among the corpse.
<zompist> morgreth was carrying a bunch of organs, including his own; a mace; 250 gold pieces; and a book.
* tieboy picks up the book
<CCsLunchin> oh, sure, as soon as i go to lunch, tie grows really big boobs.
<zompist> badass #1 decides the hell with it and goes back to the tower.
* Lore picks up the gold.
<PadreKemlo> Pass me the book, my child
* tieboy opens the book and inspects the isbn
<Lore> I thought badass number one WAS morgreth.
<tieboy> no, he was #3
<zompist> no, morgreth was #3.
<PadreKemlo> he's number three, so he tried harder
* raven cleans Morgreth guts out of her feathers.
<tieboy> ooh, i can read languages and shit
* SeanQ passes lore a +2 Scorecard of Keeping Up
<Lore> We're not going to let #1 get away with that irresolute retreat! I leap on his back, screaming like an angry gnome wearing human skin!
<zompist> the book is a Tome of Seduction Techniques for Dwarven Dames
* raven reads over tie's shoulder.
<zompist> hardly used
* tieboy shakes her head in an amused fashion, as if to say "gnomes!"
<Lore> Oh, Gryhpymohtump! Grant me strength that I might tear this bugger's ears off!
* PadreKemlo gasps
<PadreKemlo> Blasphemer!
* tieboy read read read
<Lore> Unk unk!
<zompist> badass #1 shrugs, throwing lore to the ground
<PadreKemlo> Smite him, oh UnpronounceableDeity!
<Lore> That's it. I'm changing classes.
<Lore> Half-orc bard it is.
<zompist> oh, who threw the ring? betsy, right?
* tieboy attempts to seduce the smoldering gobs of morgreth
<tieboy> yeah
* raven drops a spleen on #1.
<tieboy> pretty inventive, huh?
<Lore> Banaler!
<tieboy> stabbing the beast was smart too, huh?
<zompist> er, well....
<raven> I rescued the dwarf.
* tieboy looks for someone to seduce
* Morwen hides in the shadows, jams the bouquet into her bag of holding, and watches for another opportunity. (working)
<zompist> true, you get about 2,000 experience points.
<Lore> This ALWAYS happens when I play D&D. Everyone else soaks up the experience points while I run around half naked.
<raven> Yay!
<zompist> but you have to kill something to get a level.
* PadreKemlo performs funeral services
<zompist> or colonize alpha centauri, if you're opposed to death.
<Lore> Me steps on a field mouse.
<tieboy> At least I was rescued by a female.
<SeanQ> Lore: that's not when you play D&D, that's when you go to the grocery store
* raven eyes PadreKemlo.
<zompist> heh heh
<raven> Does it have to be a bad guy?
<Lore> snkkt alpha centauri
<zompist> ok, badass #1 disappears beyond the horizon on his wildebeest.
<zompist> rave: of course not.
<Lore> I track the horizon.
* PadreKemlo offers raven a jar of candied eyeballs
<Lore> Okay, I'm motivated now. I look around for something evil to gut.
<raven> Oooooh.
* raven pockets the jar.
<Lore> I'm going to get experience points or humiliate myself trying.
<TMR> Lore the Qu
<zompist> the qu?
<raven> Queer? Quiet? Quick?
<tieboy> Quiche?
<zompist> quorum?
<Kyol> Quistis?
<raven> Quaint?
<SeanQ> Queasy?
<PadreKemlo> Quirky?
<tieboy> Quilted?
<PadreKemlo> Quinone?
<TMR> Quina
<SeanQ> Qualified?
<zompist> quim-whipped?
<PadreKemlo> Queenly
* raven flies after the badass #1.
<PadreKemlo> Quayle?
<TMR> QUINA!
*** SeanQ is now known as Quina
* tieboy readies her dagger, adjusts her leather thong, and picks nits out of her beard
<Quina> yeah?
*** Quina is now known as SeanQ
<SeanQ> snnkkkt
<raven> zomp : Can I spot #1 from up here?
<tieboy> let's go find a dungeon, so i can use infravision
*** SeanQ has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to * tieboy readies her dagger, adjusts her leather thong, and picks nits out of her beard
<zompist> ok... raven spots #1 from a great height.
<zompist> he's in his backyard, sunning himself on his patio
* raven returns to the group to report.
<Lore> All RIGHTY!
<zompist> there was a perfectly good dungeon, and you ignored it. (snif)
<PadreKemlo> here, perch on my shoulder
* Lore charges boldly ahead.
<raven> Someone needs to tell #1 that he really has to wax that bikini line....
<zompist> is that morgreth's head?
<PadreKemlo> yes
<PadreKemlo> We saved the brains for you
<tieboy> hair is beautiful
<raven> Maybe he has a dungeon in his rec room, zomp.
<tieboy> can i climb the tower?
<zompist> well, are you on the way?
<zompist> you people have to get organized!
<tieboy> i head towards the tower
<zompist> is that morgreth's head?
* raven follows, occasionally flying back and forth to scout.
<zompist> oh, sorry. ok, raven points out the way, and you mosey on over to the badass tower.
<tieboy> i don't mosey, thank you very much
<tieboy> i'm in heels.
<TMR> You mosey!
<raven> With those pumps, it's more like a sashay.
* tieboy looks around for the psychotic gnome she somehow is in alignment with
<zompist> up close, the tower is a sinister tower of black stone, like a middle finger upraised to spite the gods.
<tieboy> does it look scalable?
<raven> Is it a rooftop patio?
<SeanQ> *** tieboy enters the Tower, selects the latest Celine Dion CD, and pays for it with 12 gold pieces
<Lore> Oooh, nice flavor text.
* jacquilyn just wanted to contribute but really is kind of clueless about what's going on.
<Lore> Jacqui: You can be a half-elven Druid.
* tieboy shaves her legs, and lets a few days stubble grow in, for extra traction
<TMR> Or you can be a Amazonian walking fish
* Lore waves to the half-elven druid he just met.
<PadreKemlo> no druids!
<zompist> at the base of the tower is an enclosed area-- raven can fly over and see the patio and the living quarters.
<Lore> You got a problem with druids, Padre?
* tieboy attempts to scale the wall
<zompist> there's a wildebeest parked out back.
<jacquilyn> a half-elven druid?
* raven flushes out #1 with flaming oil.
<Lore> Yes. You're ahlf-elf, and you're a druid.
<jacquilyn> Couldn't I be eleven and a half druibs?
<zompist> you're a bird, you can't carry flaming oil.
<Lore> Is there a door?
<zompist> they have to break in somehow.
<tieboy> SCALE. WALL.
* PadreKemlo snarls at the druid. Heretic.
<raven> What, I can lift a mead barrel but not a molotov cocktail?
<tieboy> or pick lock. or something
<zompist> yes, there's a large wooden door with a big chain across it.
<tieboy> a door... genius!
* Lore sharpens his dire flail.
<zompist> and a lock, by some coincidence.
* tieboy examines the lock for traps
* jacquilyn snarls and the priest. Papist child-lover.
<zompist> rave: it's like roger rabbit-- you can only do that when it's funny
<tieboy> and to see if it's actually locked
<zompist> a few traps fall out of the lock
* raven mutters to herself. "...never gonna...kill...gain...level..."
* tieboy bends over the lock in a fairly seductive pose
* Lore polishes his dire flail.
* tieboy attempts to pick the lock
* Lore burnishes his dire flail.
<zompist> the lock cowers, not wanting to be picked
* Lore oils his dire flail.
* raven files her talons to sharp points.
<zompist> the lock points at the doorbell, suggesting that betsy pick that instead
<PadreKemlo> Lore, my child, if you keep oiling your dire flail, you'll go blind.
<Lore> Points with what?
* tieboy rolls against horrible puns
* Lore looks up at PadreKamlo, eyes misting. "Dad?"
<jacquilyn> Where's a thief. If they can pick pockets, shouldn't they be able to pick locks?
<zompist> it kind of distorts in a disneyesque way, lore
<Lore> TieBestsy is a thief.
<tieboy> I'm trying, jac
<jacquilyn> Try harder.
* TMR picks nose
<zompist> the lock resigns itself, allows itself to be penetrated, thinks of england
* Lore gestures with his dire flail in a way that suggest that if the lock doesn't sit still and get picked, it's going to be picked with a large spiked ball.
<PadreKemlo> er, no, no.
<zompist> the lock gives way, sobbing
<PadreKemlo> I was nowhere NEAR your mother on that Midsummer's eve
* Lore takes point.
<Lore> Gosh I HOPE we find some gnome-sized ARMOR in this dungeon.
* tieboy says "You're WELLL-come."
<zompist> it's more like a tower with semidetached villa
* Lore past Betsy's muscular ass in an appreciative manner.
<Lore> I thougth you said there was a nice dungeon?
<PadreKemlo> the DNA tests will PROVE it
<tieboy> no, we buried the dungeon. jeez
<zompist> yeah, that's what the buried door led to. this is the tower.
<Lore> Towers are good.
* Lore enters cautiously.
<tieboy> walnu-sized head... walnut-sized brain
<zompist> don't you want to enter the TOWER? HAHAHA
<Lore> I'm staying alert and sniffing the air.
* tieboy detects noises
<zompist> sorry. ok, you go in, finding yourself in an antechamber.
<tieboy> i'm using infravision(tm)
<zompist> antes scurry about protectively.
<Lore> How big?
<PadreKemlo> Antes?
<zompist> it's about yea big.
<PadreKemlo> wouldn't they be posts?
<Lore> Who's mapping?
<tieboy> um. you.
* PadreKemlo snores
<PadreKemlo> er, sorry. Was mapping.
* Lore needs to use the antechamberpot.
* Lore pulls out a piece of paper, writes "antechamber" on it.
<zompist> there's doors to the north, west, south, and for good measure, on the ceiling.
* tieboy visits the antechamber of commerce
<Lore> Check for traps, Betsy.
<Lore> Is there any antechamber music playing?
<zompist> a big bear trap catches betsy
<tieboy> Is it so hard to say "please"?
* raven inspects the door on the ceiling.
<tieboy> hey, i didn't do anything
* PadreKemlo prepares to give Betsy last rites
<TMR> Whuh? That door's just PAINTED on.
<zompist> oh, sorry. bear trap vanishes with a loud pop
* tieboy checks for traps
* PadreKemlo retracts the last rites
<jacquilyn> Hey! I was dirnking that pop!
<zompist> a big bear trap catches betsy
<Kyol> snkkt.
<zompist> wow, what were the chances of that die roll coming up twice?
<tieboy> am i dead?
<zompist> no, but you wish you were
<TMR> The bear trap caught you right in the junk.
<zompist> 2 hit points left, and both of them are bitching about the bear trap on your leg.
<tieboy> yo, gnome. track your ass over here and help me
* Lore lunges geroically forward, and uses his massive gnomesly strength to pry the jaws apart.
<zompist> oh, ok, the dm falls for it.
* Lore then realizes that he should be prying the trap's jaws apart.
<SeanQ> snnkkkkkt TMR
<zompist> the trap opens, releasing the hairy gams of the dwarven thief
<Lore> Sorry, betsy.
<Lore> Oooh. That's gonna need some healing.
<Samwise> Cleric!
<zompist> oh, btw, you came in through the south door-- the east wall has no door, just a nice potted plant.
<tieboy> so, a bear trap wound and TMJ?
<PadreKemlo> Yep
<PadreKemlo> "tmj"?
<TMR> Fukui-san!
* tieboy wonders if it's a healing plant
<PadreKemlo> no, but it's good reefer
<Lore> Do I get experience points if I finish Betsy off?
<PadreKemlo> Yes
<zompist> sure
* Lore listens at the west door.
* tieboy examines the plant
<SeanQ> bahaha tie
<zompist> the west door listens back
<zompist> neither of you hear anything
<tieboy> i eat a leaf
<Lore> I listen to the plant.
<zompist> the plant is a pachysandra.
<SeanQ> damnit, twice in five minutes you guys got me to laugh out loud
<tieboy> i listen to the gnome
* Samwise checks for secret doors on the ceiling
<TMR> Take the peanut butter out of your ears.
<Lore> Are ther any runes around?
* raven listens at the ceiling door.
<zompist> there's a big oaken door on the ceiling, sam.
<zompist> the tower is still standing... not runed yet
* tieboy makes a poultice, although she's not particularly sure what a polutice is
<Samwise> D'oh! I try adventuring with my eyes open
<PadreKemlo> pachysandra, marijuana - all the same in the eyes of UnpronounceableDeity
<Lore> It's klind of like a blancmange, except with capers.
<zompist> raven, you hear vague creaking sounds-- possibly the wind
<zompist> ok, the poultice heals 1 point
<Lore> How high up is the ceiling? Can I reach it?
<TMR> pachysandra marijuana sis boom bah!
<zompist> but your leg still hurts like a bitch.
* raven opens the door, standing well clear of it.
<zompist> lore: you jump up and down comically, but you're just too damn short
<SeanQ> tie: try a poultry
<PadreKemlo> here, my child. Try standing on my shoulders.
<SeanQ> *** Betsy rubs chicken salad on her leg
<zompist> there's a dark room above this one.
<zompist> man oh man, is it dark.
<TMR> Don't look at her ass. Padre.
* Lore stands on Kemlo's shoulders.
<zompist> whoa! dark.
<tieboy> above it?
<SeanQ> like Dikembe Motumbo dark?
* tieboy looks with infravision
<zompist> i assumed you're wrking on the ceiling door.
* Lore thinks back to his years in the Cirque Du Soleil.
* raven is, zomp.
<zompist> betsy sees the room above without its clothes on
<Lore> I look with Ultravision.
<SeanQ> lore: i didn't recognize you without your bowler hat
<TMR> Lore: You see Mexican television
<raven> Anyone got some rope?
<Samwise> Yeah, I just bought some.
<zompist> ok, it looks like a dark room, bare except for stacks and stacks of old new yorkers, and a doorway to the east.
*** SeanQ is now known as Bumblebee_Man
* tieboy reads a 28 page article about Paul Shaffer
<zompist> hey, that was a great article.
* raven ties off the rope so the rest of the group can climb up.
* Bumblebee_Man leaps out of the door, hits lore over the head with a rubber chicken
<zompist> that bird is a motherfucker with her beak, huh?
<Bumblebee_Man> Ay Caramba! Dios Mio!
* Samwise hurries up and reads the comics in the magazines... fails intelligence check; doesn't get them
* tieboy takes some clippings of the plant along with her
<tieboy> and some solk
<tieboy> soil
* Lore climbs up intot he room and lights the magazines on fire.
<zompist> the dm was wondering what solk was
<SeanQ> zomp: he found it under the piano
* tieboy climbs up the rope
<zompist> some kittens hiding in the magazines catch fire
<TMR> ...roll for initiative
<Lore> Do I get experience points?
* PadreKemlo douses the kittens with the Water of the Holy Nori
* tieboy listens at the new door
<zompist> a few glass dildos fall down the hole and shatter
<zompist> lore: sorry, burning kittens is just routine around here.
* tieboy searches the burning room for healing potions
<zompist> the new door reveals some sounds that sound like slurping
<zompist> or maybe kissing
<PadreKemlo> oh no
<zompist> or perhaps vomiting
<PadreKemlo> I know where we are
<Lore> Yum! Slurpees!
<PadreKemlo> this door leads to the Red Zone!
<TMR> Or maybe Cthulhu having sex with your grandmother
<Lore> The Tomb of Infinite Work-Avoidance?
<jacquilyn> The pdoruction studio where they ade J's MPEG?
<SeanQ> notmykeep.mpg
<zompist> i think we're in that tomb now...
<SeanQ> jinx, jacq
<jacquilyn> Shit, I gues I owe Sean a beer.
<raven> well, the room is burning, we have to go *somewhere*. Through the door or back down.
* tieboy removes the hinges from the door
<jacquilyn> What if we *like* fire.
<jacquilyn> It's useful in all kinds of rituals.
<tieboy> and pushes it in
<zompist> the door falls in with a satisfying clump.
* raven leaves jacq behind in the room with the kittens.
<zompist> curiously, there's a room behind it.
<Samwise> Go!
* Lore leaps into the room, brandishing his dire flail.
* raven swopps in right behind him.
<jacquilyn> Oooh. Fire and kittens. I should be able to cook up some serious weirdness with that.
<Lore> Ah-HA!
<zompist> i'm assuming you're bringing some burning new yorkers for light.
* tieboy walks in the room in a very sexy manner
* TMR cooks up the kittens in a Iron Chefish manner
* Samwise is bringing some burning kittens on a leash
<zompist> at first glance, the room seems to be filled with hovering swords, skeletons, and suits of armor.
<SeanQ> that's quite the alluring limp you have there tie
* PadreKemlo blesses the Kitten Souffle
* jacquilyn follows Samwise and the kittens.
<Lore> I've got Darkvision.
* tieboy braids his leg hair
<tieboy> her
* Lore glances again.
<zompist> at second glance, you notice gelatinous shapes round the paraphernalia.
<Lore> Yahoo! Motherlode!
* raven looks for a suit or armor that fits her.
<Samwise> Schumins?
<tieboy> yippee!
<jacquilyn> There's always room for Jello.
<zompist> moving toward you with slurpingly vomitaceous sounds
<tieboy> burn 'em!
* TMR slashes at a gelatinous cube with a cleaver
* Lore runs back into the last room, scoops up some burning effete literary magazines, and throws them at the globs.
* tieboy does the same, only in a cute, sassy way
<zompist> the cubes catch fire, burning off all your eyebrows
<PadreKemlo> Curse these Schumins! Smite them, oh lord!
* raven drops flaming death from above.
<Samwise> Ghaaaa! I cast Onsheaunhne's Oing Obliterator!
<Lore> Are they dead yet?
<zompist> death falls on the floor, pats out the flames, and walks off in a huff.
<zompist> "bloomin' ravens", you hear her say, in that perky gothish way of hers.
<PadreKemlo> Smite these Schumins with the Power of Cecilweed!
<zompist> ok, all but one cube is dead.
<Lore> Who do you worship, the God of RUnnign Gags?
* raven finds Death a new hat in apology.
* TMR eats the last cube
<zompist> second level for everyone!
<TMR> a la Chairman Kaga
<Lore> Yay!
<PadreKemlo> Lore - yes.
<raven> Yay!
<tieboy> i was already second level
<Samwise> Hey, anyone need a huff
<zompist> yeah, well, you're hotdogging.
<Lore> Now I get more hit points and the ability to fight blind!
<zompist> just kidding, betsy.
<tieboy> is there still a living cube here?
<Lore> Oh, right.
* raven returns to her search for a suit of armor.
<TMR> Now you can play with yourself without fear Lore!
<Lore> Kill it, Padre.
<zompist> oh, yeah, the one that's immune to fire.
<Lore> Or turn it.
<TMR> I ate it.
<zompist> it advances on padrekemlo, viciously and viscously.
* PadreKemlo pulls out his DFC Archive
* tieboy watches with interest
<PadreKemlo> OING!
<zompist> the cube surrounds kemlo, immobilizing him

<tieboy> hey, neat
* Lore cleans the goo off his dire flail.
* raven blocks the padre's exit.
* PadreKemlo offers raven some more candied eyeballs
<zompist> the cube squirts out some digestive juices
* Samwise shouts to Padre, knowing he won't hear it for 17 minutes
<zompist> sorry, kem, you're immobilized in there
* raven pockets the second jar and dodges the juices.
<Lore> Huh. There's something you don't see every day.
* PadreKemlo puts up a protective shield
* Lore is getting hungry for haggis.
<tieboy> you get a real look at the bone and muscle structure, there, huh?
<zompist> what about "immobilized" didn't you understand?
* TMR pukes a gelatinous cube
<zompist> the cube, still hungry, advances on betsy
<TMR> Ick. Never again.
<PadreKemlo> does it involve mumbling?
*** PadreKemlo is now known as PadreKemloLeftovers
<tieboy> crap
* Samwise throws a bunch of salt at the cube, hoping to osmose the water out of it
<zompist> oh, now that the cubes are less in the way, you can see some stairs to the north.
<Lore> When I die, that's how I want to go.
* jacquilyn takes a liking to Jello and eats the cube.
* tieboy defends herself with her lame ass dagger
<Lore> Digesting Kemlo.
* raven flies past the cube to see if there's anything useful farther in the room.
<jacquilyn> Mmm. Grape flaboured.
<Lore> Wait. I search the crap for something useful.
<zompist> well, piles of armor and swords.
*** PadreKemloLeftovers is now known as PadreKemloZombie
*** SeanQ is now known as Bill_Cosby
<zompist> a +1 Sword of Poking Things Sharply
<tieboy> isn't anyone going to fight this thing with me?
<jacquilyn> I already ate one. I'm full.
<TMR> Iron Chef TMR will!
<Lore> Anything Gnome-sized?
* Bill_Cosby smites jacq with a +2 Monologue of Wry Observation
<Lore> Oh, is it still alive?
*** Bill_Cosby is now known as SeanQ
<tieboy> it's attacking me
<Samwise> Keep it busy for us, K?
* TMR uses the two-cleaver technique on the Cube
<PadreKemloZombie> rrrrrargh!
<zompist> the cube pours some cumin and barbecue sauce on betsy
* raven locates a +2 Bowling Ball of Pain and drops it on the cube.
<Lore> Sorry, I'm no good with cubes.
<Lore> Betsy! No!
<PadreKemloZombie> rrrrrrrrrrargh!
* Lore starts slinging stones at the cube with his stone-slinger.
* PadreKemloZombie pulls open betsy's skull and begins to feast on her brain
<zompist> the cubes schlurps with pain, but grabs betsy's foot
<jacquilyn> Fine, alright. You caught me in my lie.
<tieboy> ow
<zompist> lore, what size are you?
* jacquilyn starts eating her way through all the jello cubes.
<Lore> Druid! Cast something!
<Lore> Gnome-sized.
<jacquilyn> I'm busy eating.
* TMR sprays the cube with vinegar
* tieboy stabs the cube
<PadreKemloZombie> rrrrargh! Eat.... druid's.... brain!
* raven drops +1 Sticks of Sharp Poking down for the guys to use.
* Lore sprinkels salt on the cube.
<jacquilyn> Hey, somebody else get the one in the corner, will ya, I don't like strawberry.
<zompist> mmm, we have some nice leather armor in that size, but the chain mail is all dwarf-sized. it'll kind of sag on you.
<Lore> Nevermind. I'll jsut skin one of the cubes.
<PadreKemloZombie> kill.... cube.....
<PadreKemloZombie> must kill cube....
* Lore tosses the zombie into the cube.
* Samwise pokes with the Stick of Sharp Poking
<SeanQ> * Samwise is done in eight minutes, falls asleep
* TMR throws garlic at the cube
* jacquilyn wonders how many cubes are left.
<zompist> sam cuts off the pseudopod that had trapped betsy
<tieboy> just one. it's eating me
<jacquilyn> And what flavours they are.
<zompist> just one, but it's a mother, jac
<TMR> I'm a chef, damnit, not a fighter!
* PadreKemloZombie feeds on betsy's living brain
<TMR> I don't have no recipe for gelatinous cuve sashimi!
<Lore> I think we've established that eating the cubes has no effect.
* raven tries to squash the cube under a heavy shield.
* PadreKemloZombie has a recipe...
* Lore urinates on the cube.
* Samwise gleams the cube
<Lore> It has to be susceptible to something.
<zompist> gnome-urine dissolves the last cube.
* PadreKemloZombie pulls out his copy of the DFC Archive
* TMR snatches the recipe, chops the cube into 1" rolls
<tieboy> yay!
* jacquilyn blends remaining cube wiht tasty whip cream and fruit cocktail and sets it to chill into a lovely ambrosia.
<tieboy> and ew!
<zompist> also, stains the floor. yuck.
<Lore> Yes! Woof! Unk!
* TMR serves it on rice
<Lore> It's like kerosene. Smells the same, too.
* Samwise greps the loot for magical rings
<PadreKemloZombie> rrrarrrggh..... curse cubes to pits of schumin.... rrrarrrggh
* tieboy looks for some booty
<zompist> mmm, urine-flavored gelatinous cube.
* raven rifles the padre's corpse.
<zompist> kemlo, unfortunately, is in the Coma Of Zero Hit Points
* PadreKemloZombie 's skeletal hand grabs raven by the beak
<Lore> Where's the Cler---oh.
<tieboy> the immoble coma?
<zompist> and smells of gnome urine and burning magazines
* TMR sprinkles Kemlo with garlic
<Lore> Are there any rings?
<zompist> that takes care of the one smell
<PadreKemloZombie> rrrrARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!
<tieboy> any healing devices? i've got a bad leg and foot
<zompist> just a couple of webrings, lore.
* Samwise sews salt in the zombie's mouth
<Lore> SHouldn't Kemlo be turnign himself?
* Lore urinates on the zombie.
<zompist> there's a couple of potions in the detritus.
* PadreKemloZombie gestures towards DFC Archive
<tieboy> hm.
* Lore grabs the potions.
<Lore> Mine!
<TMR> sniff sniff
<Lore> I need to recharge anyway.
<TMR> Potions of thunderbird!
<jacquilyn> Anything in there that'll clear up that urinary tract infection, Lore?
<zompist> wow, don't you want to heal your friend?
<PadreKemloZombie> rrrrrarrgggh.... must... turn.... self.....
<Lore> We dont' know that these are healing potions.
* tieboy picks lores pocket
<zompist> one is labelled "I'm a healing potion. Honest."
* Samwise picks his nose
<Lore> They could be Potions of Gnomish Allure.
<CCsLunchin> they just don't make comas like they used to, do they?
<tieboy> oh, wait, he's naked
<zompist> the other is labelled "The other label is a liar."
<tieboy> I don't know WHAT I just reached into
* raven samples Padre's eyes. "So did I find anythign useful on the padre?"

<TMR> Lore, give him the potions, just strain them through your gnomish kidneys first.
<Lore> I ask the second label what the first label would sya if I asked it if it were lying.
<zompist> he heh.
<jacquilyn> Give 'em both to me. I'll mix em up and drink em together.
* PadreKemloZombie lurches forward and grabs the bottles
<tieboy> we've stumbled into a module that thinks it's very clever
<zompist> nope, still immobilized, padre.
<zompist> unforunately, the labels are not anywhere near as animate as that lock.
* Lore tosses the "healing potion" to Betsy.
<CrazyClimber> try spelling it "couma," zomp
<Lore> Cheers!
* Lore waits to see what happens to Betsy.
* raven looks for gold, raven armor or other shiny things in the wreckage.
<zompist> nothing, till she drinks something.
<zompist> heh. raven armor
<zompist> you WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FLY
<Lore> Quaff away, guinea dwarf.
<TMR> tiny breastplates of mithril
<tieboy> oh, you've decided to wait for me to announce an action, instead of presuming it? How nice, thank you
* Samwise looks for little hobbitsized armor
* raven pouts. Well, really *light* armor.
<Lore> Plus you'd have a -2 on your balance checks.
<zompist> yeah, i'be been burned on that before
* SeanQ adds PadreKemlo to his mulch bed, turns him
* tieboy uncorks the potion and listens carefully for dramatic music
<TMR> You hear porn music.
<PadreKemloZombie> a laughtrack sounds
* Lore settles himself into a comfy position for laughing his head off.
<PadreKemloZombie> porn music AND a laughtrack
<zompist> oh, let's see, looks like there's some little tiny raven gauntlets of protection against bad clams, and 200 gold pieces in tiny little raven money
<Lore> Damn. I needed protection from bad clams.
<zompist> the potion reads you your rights
<TMR> Any foie gras in there?
* raven pockets the gold and wears the gauntlets. "Bob's House of Bargain Seafood, here I come!"
<zompist> maybe back with the new yorkers
* tieboy sniffs the potion
<PadreKemloZombie> the potion sniffs back
<tieboy> ooh. wait
<Lore> Go ahead, Betsy. Drink your "healign potion." I bet it'll "heal" you right up.
<TMR> It smells like ether
<zompist> after that gnome urine, the potion smells pretty good
<tieboy> can i switch the labels?
<zompist> heh. if you want.
<Lore> "Never go in against a gnome when DEATH is on the LINE!"
<Samwise> He's been building up an immunity to smartassed potions.
<CrazyClimber> i make no guarantees about the quality of my bargain seafood, FWIW.
<zompist> death was on the floor, but not on the line
* tieboy takes the label off the "healing potion" bottle, sticks it on the other bottle, and drinks from the unlabeled bottle
<TMR> And was she ever cute!
<Samwise> Yeah, death left in a huff, and it was MY huff.
<Lore> I want a Portalbe Pie-hole.
<zompist> turns out to be whisky and lemon with a vodka chaser, betsy.
<tieboy> aww-RIGHT
<Lore> Does it heal her any?
<zompist> kind of.
<TMR> No but it lowers her inhibitions.
<jacquilyn> Well, it should make her feel better.
<Samwise> I'm sure she *feels* better.
<zompist> she recovers a hit point, but *feels* like she recovered them all
<jacquilyn> jinx, Sam.
* Lore quaffs his potion.
<Samwise> So, anyone for the stairs?
<zompist> lore's was a regular healing potion... he's fine now
<Lore> What the hell.
<tieboy> ah, fuck
<tieboy> is there any left?
<jacquilyn> I don't do stairs. Give me an exercycle any day.
<Lore> Except my bladder is full.
<TMR> Iron Chef TMR will go first up the stairs
<zompist> oh lord
<TMR> Tiny gnomish bladder.
<zompist> speaking of bladders: time stops while the dm goes to tap a kidney
* TMR pulls the kidney out of his pocket. Will this do?
* Lore stops in mid-unzip.
<Samwise> (you know, this would be less scary if I didn't know of some games that play very much like this)
* tieboy stops just before she comes on to the naked gnome who is unzipping... something
<jacquilyn> (you know, this would be mory scary if I had a clue what was going on.)
<jacquilyn> (mostly, I'm just trying to figure out what my other half is)
<Samwise> (what, you're halfelf?)
<TMR> (Her other half is sneaky neighbor with bottle of ether)
* zompist is back, feeling much lighter
<Samwise> (now be careful... I'm blaming you if I get fired for laughing)
* tieboy hobbles up the stairs, grumbling
<zompist> so. bunch of burned cubes on the floor... piles of medieval paraphernalia... a few wandering hellkittens.
<jacquilyn> (Sam: yeah. But the other half is what? I don't think Bitch is a chracter type.)
<Lore> I'm urinating on Kemlo's body.
<zompist> on the stairs there's a copy of life magazine
* tieboy hobbles back down the stairs
<SeanQ> TMR: be acreful picking on jacq - an elfen never forgets
<Lore> Because his disembodied voice asked me to.
*** PadreKemloZombie is now known as PadreKemlo
* tieboy looks for stuff she might find useful in the junk
<PadreKemlo> thank you for the unmetabolised healing potion
<Samwise> (jacqui: human.)
<jacquilyn> Ooh. Life.
<jacquilyn> But don't you have any Cosmo.
* TMR searches the piles for a cleaver or perhaps a new chef hat
<SeanQ> unfortuantely, though, still a Canadian
<zompist> sorry, healing potions can't bring back life.
* jacquilyn takes the Life.
<zompist> now, what could bring life?
<zompist> a magazine, perhaps?
<raven> Mikey?
<tieboy> no. it really can't
<jacquilyn> Too late. I already have it.
<jacquilyn> And I'm not giving ti to him.
<SeanQ> zomp: Murder one?
<Samwise> What're we looking for, anyway?
<jacquilyn> Even if he begs in message.
<zompist> heh.
<jacquilyn> Now if he were to beg really nicely in channel and say lovely stuff about what a wonderful half-person I am, I might consider.
<Lore> I keep urinating anyway. It's fun!
<tieboy> anything in the junk for a limping chick with a beard?
<zompist> plenty of dwarven armor for the picking.
*** PadreKemlo is now known as GhostofPadreKemlo
<TMR> Any giant lobster, zomp?
<Lore> I thought locks were for picking.
<zompist> chain-mail made of soda can pull-tops, looks like
* tieboy picks the dwarven armor
<zompist> and beer-can hats
* jacquilyn lights a candle for a short seance with the Padre.
<tieboy> i'm a theif! i can't be clanking around
* tieboy takes Life magazine and rubs it on her leg
* Samwise goes for something light but waterproof
<GhostofPadreKemlo> .....i was *about* to
<zompist> hmm. we have a lovely dark velvet gown-- perfect for slinking round the shadows OR the bedroom
<jacquilyn> We all worship Leth in our own way, mine isn't any less valid than yours.
<TMR> Better make sure it's urineproof, too.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> .....you pronounced his name?!?!?
<jacquilyn> What size, zomp?
* tieboy puts it on a practices slinking
<GhostofPadreKemlo> and yet, He did not strike you down?
<Lore> This is really touching and all, but I'm heading up the stairs.
<jacquilyn> Well, duh, that striking down crap is a tenet of your faith and reality is what you make of it.
<zompist> hard to say, jac, what size are you?
* tieboy slinks up the stairs
<Lore> I've got barbarism to practice.
<zompist> ok! stairs it is!
<GhostofPadreKemlo> ...good enough.
<jacquilyn> I dunno. How big is a half-elf?
*** TMR is now known as IronChefTMR
<zompist> you head up a flight of stairs, and come to a landing.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> Faith is one thing , but there's realpolitik,, and I'm dead.
* raven follows after Lore, flying up the stairs, firelight glinting off her gauntlets.
<zompist> half the size of an elf?
<Lore> About human-sized, but slender.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> You were right, I was wrong, gimme the magazine.
* tieboy admires the pilot's skill
<jacquilyn> Eh.
<zompist> above the landing you see: more stairs!
* Samwise trudges up the stairs
<Lore> Are there any runes?
* tieboy checks the landing for schtuff
<IronChefTMR> Prunes?
* Samwise wipes off his jerkin as he goes
* jacquilyn gets bored of being here and drops the Life Magazine just out of Kemlo's reach then follows Raven and Lore.
<tieboy> and Betsy
<zompist> you head up another flight and find another landing.
* GhostofPadreKemlo haunts jacqui
<zompist> also, more stairs.
<tieboy> does everyone see this? does everyone see how little respect I get?
<Lore> And Sam's jerkin.
<zompist> he is? yuck.
<IronChefTMR> UP THE STAIRS PEOPLE
* raven flies ahead to scout.
<Lore> Okay. I march up ALL THE STAIRS.
<zompist> up with people appear, sing to tmr
<GhostofPadreKemlo> jaaaaaaaaaacquiiiiiii
<Lore> Hear that? I keep marching until we reach the END OF THE STAIRS.
<Samwise> Noooooo!
* tieboy gets tired of slinking and instead sidles
<GhostofPadreKemlo> donnnnnnn't gooooooo to the ennnnnnnnd of the staiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirs
<zompist> did i hear stairs? right! you head up the stairs.
* Lore moseys.
* IronChefTMR slices Up With People into jerky
<zompist> there's a bunch of them.
<zompist> do you want to keep climbing stairs?
<Lore> I disbelieve.
* raven scouts ahead until she finds something of interest.
<IronChefTMR> Interesting stairs?
<GhostofPadreKemlo> jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacquiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
* tieboy stares
<zompist> ok, raven flies to the top of the stairs. there's a locked door there.
<zompist> it's not that interesting, but it is locked.
<Lore> Okay. Betsy! Go to! Please!
* Samwise has an embarrasing gas attack
<tieboy> ooh! ooh! me! me!
<zompist> and wouldja know it, it has runes on it.
* jacquilyn would like to point out that she doesn't believe in ghosts and since reality is what she makes of it, she can't here Kemlo.
<Lore> Are there runs on it?
<Lore> Runes?
* Samwise actively doesn't read the runes
<Lore> Sort of a spiritual /ignore.
<zompist> it does look like a previous adventurer has had the runs here.
* raven tries to read the runes.
<jacquilyn> Lore: exactly.
<jacquilyn> Liek turning his text white on white or something.
* tieboy examines the lock for traps
* GhostofPadreKemlo could read the ruuuuuuuuuunes
* raven hovers above the runs.
<zompist> why are you so hot on runes, lore? do gnomes have special runic powers?
* tieboy also listens at the door
<raven> hey, you guys are still four flights down.
* IronChefTMR sharpens the cleavers
<Lore> No. they're pretty.
* tieboy tries to "read languages"
<Lore> We ran really fast.
<zompist> ok. the runes say something in a mysterious runic way.
<Lore> What do they say?
<IronChefTMR> They appear to say "don't step in the runs"
<zompist> the door says nothing, but from beyond it you hear a wheezy gasping.
<IronChefTMR> But that's just me.
<tieboy> and the lock?
<Lore> Wheezy from "The Jeffersons"?
<Samwise> It's the old man from scene seven!
<tieboy> i examine for traps, kinda wincing in case I get hurt
<jacquilyn> Oooh. wait. I think it's a dragon with an asthma attack.
<zompist> the lock assures you that there are no traps here
<tieboy> is it lying?
<zompist> "stick that pin in me, baby!"
<jacquilyn> Oh, and he's supposed to trust the lock?
* GhostofPadreKemlo could tuurrrrrrrrrrrrrn the lock
<Lore> How will wincing help?
* raven digs around in her satchel for some Albuterol.
<zompist> the lock smiles at you and rubs its hole
<tieboy> just seems a natural reaction
* tieboy tries to unlock the lock
<Lore> Pre-wincing is a natural reaction?
* IronChefTMR licks the lock for no apparent reason
<tieboy> yeah
<zompist> the lock insists on dinner and a movie
<zompist> or at least some cuddling
<Lore> If you do so, will it then be an unlock?
* tieboy presses her ample breasts against the lock
* raven gives it a candied eyeball and makes shadow puppets on the wall for it.
* Lore bashes the damn lock in with his dire flail.
<IronChefTMR> ample, hairy breasts?
<tieboy> ow! my breasts
<zompist> "can't.... ever... get... some," wails the lock, as it disintegrates into a rusty ruin.
<Lore> NOW then.
* tieboy opens the fucking door
<zompist> no, wait a sec.,
<zompist> the runes writhe and twist in the creepy newyorkerlight!
* tieboy apparantly does NOT open the fucking door\
<Lore> Do tell.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> the door isn't fucking
<zompist> they can now be read: MANY MAY ENTER... BUT ONLY ONE SHALL LEAVE ALIVE
<Lore> Writhing twisting runes. Huh.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> if it was, the lock wouldn't be complaining
<GhostofPadreKemlo> Ah!
<GhostofPadreKemlo> I can enter and leave
<zompist> ok, you can go in now!
<jacquilyn> Good. Send Kemlo in to scout the place.
* Samwise puts a silver "H" on Kemlo's forehead
* Lore volunteers to leave alive.
<jacquilyn> It's probably full of dead rats anyway.
<zompist> probably
<GhostofPadreKemlo> ......
<GhostofPadreKemlo> nope, no dead rats.
<Samwise> Wait.. do we believe any old door?
<tieboy> ooh!
<Samwise> I mean, the potions weren't trustworthy.
<Lore> No, but this one's got runes.
<IronChefTMR> Kick the door in the junk!
<Samwise> Ah, true that.
* raven flies in. Fuck it.
<zompist> by the way, some sort of baleful influence suggests to you that the door isn't lying
* tieboy takes out the label that says the other label is a liar, and sticks in on the door
<tieboy> this implies that the door is lying
<GhostofPadreKemlo> Plenty of treasure, though
<zompist> raven flies into a room at the top of the tower.
* Lore likes these odds.
* Lore follows the bird.
<tieboy> which, of course, is not necessarily a good thing, considering the dm
* tieboy trudges into the room
<zompist> it's filled with all kinds of crap.
* IronChefTMR runs in. Iron Chefs fear not death!
<Lore> Literally?
<GhostofPadreKemlo> well, define "crap" and "treasure"
<raven> I'm a raven, we like towers.
<jacquilyn> Ah well.
<IronChefTMR> Look at all that crap?
<zompist> sofas, chests, talismans, books, suits of armor, food.
* jacquilyn goes into the new room.
* Samwise looks at the crap before plowing in
<zompist> and it's completely rent-controlled!
<GhostofPadreKemlo> the food's poisoned, though
<Lore> Once everyone is in, I turn around and leave. Alive, mind you.
<Samwise> Oooooooooo, talismans!
* raven grabs the talismans and starts sorting through them.
* jacquilyn starts rummaging for the lease.
<raven> Mine!
<zompist> you all enter; the door shuts behind you.
* IronChefTMR examines the food. Crap.
* Samwise throws any small rocks in a trajectory around his head
<zompist> your attention is caught by a jewelled ring on a pedestal.
<Lore> Oh, well. Nothing to be done them. I kill them all. Starting with the wounded theif.
<tieboy> is lore in or out?
<jacquilyn> Oooh. Pretty.
* jacquilyn tries it on.
<tieboy> just try it, nostrils.
<zompist> examine his belly button. HAHAHA
<GhostofPadreKemlo> And like I said, the food's poisoned
* Samwise drools over the pedestal
<GhostofPadreKemlo> you're trapped in here with me
<GhostofPadreKemlo> your only recourse to eat each other's corpses
<zompist> the pedestal is labelled, YE RINGE OF MIGHTY SMOTING ALL THE OTHERS.
<Lore> I grab the ring!
<GhostofPadreKemlo> no!
* Samwise takes the ring
<Lore> I want to smote!
<GhostofPadreKemlo> Don't look at the ring!
<jacquilyn> I already have it.
<Lore> Oh. Uh.
* raven finds a +1 Talisman of Fast Food and depoisons the food.
<Samwise> Come *on*, I'm a hobbit! We're very good with rings!
<jacquilyn> See. I took it back here:
<jacquilyn> > Oooh. Pretty.
<jacquilyn> * jacquilyn tries it on.
<zompist> a wheezy voices interrupts. "You think I label the rings correctly in here?"
<Lore> Yeah, I , uh, guess you did.
* tieboy checks for traps and secret doors and woobies
<Lore> I don't KNOW! I know know WHO to trust.
<IronChefTMR> Come out, wheezy!
* Samwise moves the pedestal
<Lore> I keep grabbing wants and poitning them at people. Staves, too.
* tieboy throws dirt from the plant in lore's eyes
* raven looks for something else useful among her talismans.
<zompist> remembering that wheezy sound you hear, you turn to see a feeble-looking old man, wearing a ring.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> is it a ring of resurrection?
<Lore> Get him!
<tieboy> ooh, i throw dirt in his eyes too
<Lore> GET HIM!
* jacquilyn points the wring at hairy breasted whore. I guess we'll find out what it does and put tie out of his misery, too.
<tieboy> whore? WHORE????
<zompist> flames shoot out of the ring!
<jacquilyn> I saw you with that door.
<IronChefTMR> She's never been paid for it!
<jacquilyn> Tie's a door whore.
<zompist> unfortunately, they consume the smiter rathe rthan the smitee.
<tieboy> those were feminine wiles.
<Samwise> Does he look like a midget version of Brian Denehey?
<Lore> Right. One down.
<jacquilyn> Damn.
<raven> Hah! Toasted jacq!
<tieboy> even though she was trying to kill me, I mourn her
<jacquilyn> And I don't even believe in ghosts.
<tieboy> the bitch.
<zompist> jac is consumed... sorry, jac. you receive a free rebate i the next game.
* raven eats her eyes.
* tieboy talks to the old man
<zompist> heh.
<jacquilyn> So I guess I just die and go off to be with Leth.
<zompist> "Hi."
<Samwise> jacqui: no, you bring the rest of the players soda & chips.
<tieboy> "Hi. Cutie."
* IronChefTMR picks the ring up out of the smoldering elf, swallows it
<Lore> Huh. The Drudi was right.
<tieboy> "What annoyingly clever message do you have for us?"
<zompist> "The land is cursed... cursed, I tell you."
<jacquilyn> Lessee. I got coke and sprite and umm, Fruitopia and sun chips.
<zompist> "The crops do not grow... the sand consumes the marijuana gardens... badasses swarm on their wicked wildebeesten."
<tieboy> "Who are you, Andy Rooney?"
<Lore> So your thought was this. "Hey, the land is cursed. I'll trick adventurers in my tower and kill them. That oughta do it."
<zompist> "Just admiring my handiwork, really."
* tieboy collapses in a fit of laughter
<zompist> the old wizard, for it is he, cackles evilly.
* Samwise runs out of spells, casts aspersions at the wizard
<Lore> It is who?
* tieboy checks for illusions
* raven snags a snapple and some Doritos from jacqui.
* IronChefTMR pukes up the ring
<IronChefTMR> Ick.
<Lore> Made from the Finest Stuff on Middle Earth.
<zompist> "It is I who cursed the land. Bad, bad land! My name is Roger, by the way."
<zompist> "Or, The Mage Roger. Don't really stand on ceremony here, though."
<Lore> Hiya, Roger. How are those coherency lessons coming along?
<zompist> "When you're on top of things, you don't care so much about titles."
* tieboy mouthes the words "kill... the... gnome..." behind lore
<zompist> to demonstrate, the mage roger waves his hand. his ring sparkles, and sam is struck by a bolt of lightning.

<Lore> Does he make an amusing yelping sound? I love those.
* tieboy picks up jacqui's ring
<zompist> sam: pick a number from 1 to 20
<IronChefTMR> ...out of my vomit
<Samwise> 13
* raven finds a strange-looking, kinda creepy talisman with a bad aura and, sneaking overhead, drops it over Roger's head, hoping for an explosion.
<zompist> the talisman flies out of the way before hitting roger's head.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> kill!
<zompist> sorry, sam, it was 3. bye
* tieboy remembers the care-free day of rubbing her breasts against locking mechanisms
* Samwise pops like a zit
<tieboy> Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!!
<raven> Noooooooo!!!
<SeanQ> damn, i missed all the carnage
<jacquilyn> tie: maybe you should rub your breasts on Roger. He might like that.
<raven> Not the eyes!
* zompist actually did that honestly, by the way... i thought of the number first
<Lore> That's two down.
<tieboy> does the ring the old guy has look like the ring i'm holding
* IronChefTMR hucks his cleavers at Roger
<SeanQ> * Samwise is now known as Papa_Smurf
* GhostofPadreKemlo COULD have turned the old man, but NOOOOOOOO
<zompist> yes, except yours says "BETA"
<tieboy> what does his say?
<Samwise> "1.0", probably
<zompist> "1.1 BUG FIX RELEASE"
<zompist> roger is not so foolish as to wear a 1.0 ring
* tieboy throws soil in roger's eyes
* GhostofPadreKemlo floats before Betsy's eyes
<tieboy> then swaps rings with blinding speeds and without him noticing somehow
<GhostofPadreKemlo> *aim for the groin, my child*
*** SeanQ is now known as Oveur
<zompist> digging around in the very authentic-looking medieval artefacts, lore finds a magic wand
* raven smacks roger around the head with a flaming new yorker while he's blinded by the dirt.
<zompist> labelled "Kills Wizards Fast! But Also One Of Your Party"
<IronChefTMR> Kill me! Me!
<zompist> the wizard turns invisible, easily foiling these paltyr-ass attacks
<Lore> Huh. Interesting. Igive it to the wizard.
<tieboy> heh
<Oveur> "Patent Pending MicrSoft 846 [TM]"
<Lore> I figure, I'm not a wizard,a nd I'm not in the Wizard's party, so I'm safe there.
<zompist> the wizard looks at it, shrugs, hands it back to you. "Might work, I never tried it."
* tieboy slinks at high-speed into a corner
<Lore> "Aren't you curious? Give it a shot."
<Dunn> look out, roger
* raven finds a hiding spot in the rafters.
<zompist> "No, you try it."
<zompist> "Pussy. Won't try his wa-a-and."
<raven> "I bet he can't ever *wield* a wand any more."
<tieboy> I'll try it. I'm out of cigarettes anyway
<TMR> Gimme that damn wand!
<Lore> I'm a barbarian. We care not for these trinkets. Especially nasty tricky trinkets.
* Lore hands TMR the wand.
* TMR zaps the wand at Roger
<zompist> roger sits down, invisibly, to catch up on some new yorkers
<TMR> For KAGA!!!!
<tieboy> aim for the floating new yorker!
<Lore> Good rule for living in general.
*** SeanQ is now known as New-Yorker
<New-Yorker> fuggedabout it
*** New-Yorker is now known as SeanQ
<zompist> roger is in the middle of an art spiegelman piece when he explodes in pile of wizardly shrapnel
*** tieboy is now known as floatingnewyorker
<floatingnewyorker> fugged-whoooah!
<Samwise> YAY!
*** floatingnewyorker is now known as tieboy
* raven sees her life pass before her eyes and wishes she could blot out that badass's bikini line.
<zompist> unfortunately raven is caught in the wreckage and plummets to the floor in flames.
*** Samwise is now known as Samwises_ghost
* Lore waits for the denoument.
<tieboy> nooooooooooooo!
<tieboy> ah well. Want a drumstick?
<zompist> hah!
* GhostofPadreKemlo offers Raven's ghost some spectral candied eyeballs
<SeanQ> i'll take an eye
<Samwises_ghost> Hey rave. Yer dead. It's not terribly exciting.
<Lore> I skin the raven and wear the pelt.
<tieboy> I skin the wizard
<raven> Christ, someone could at least try pissing on me to put the flames out!
* tieboy urinates delicately on raven
<Lore> You don't want that. Really.
* TMR pisses on Raven
<TMR> LET'S ALL PISS ON RAVEN
<Samwises_ghost> She may live, but who'd *want*to?
<zompist> yeeks
<Lore> Well, we're down to what? Three?
<tieboy> Hey, Lore, remember that time we killed the wizard?
<GhostofPadreKemlo> Tie, Lore, TMR.
<zompist> i knew the channel would degenerate into a pissing contest someday
<GhostofPadreKemlo> anyone else?
<CrazyClimber> i'm not dead yet.
<Lore> Well, maybe the door lied. Why don't you try opening it, Betsy?
* raven shakes out her feathers. How many hit points do I have left, zomp?
<zompist> tmr slips on the urine and impales himself on a spear.
* tieboy opens the door and steps out
<zompist> zero, i'm afraid.
<zompist> my runes don't lie
<raven> coma? Or toast?
* SeanQ puts on his +1 Galoshoes of Backsplash
<GhostofPadreKemlo> coma-toast
<Samwises_ghost> That'd "rune" the surprise! HA HA!
<GhostofPadreKemlo> oh, right. SeanQ's still alive
<Lore> That sounds like a FC line. "Mommy says grandma is coma-toast."
<zompist> well, in my games you stay at 0 for a few hours, in case anyone can resurrect you.
<SeanQ> i'm not really playing, as I have no friggin clue what's going on
<GhostofPadreKemlo> can anyone resurrect me?
<jacquilyn> Sean: you imagine I did?
<SeanQ> ummmmm....... no
<GhostofPadreKemlo> Sean - neither do I.
<Mr-Ben> Sorry, Kemlo.
<CrazyClimber> am i still alive?
<tieboy> can i open the door?
<zompist> ok! so, betsy and guthor cut-edge are still alive.
<CrazyClimber> maybe i died while i was at lunch.
*** Signoff: jacquilyn (Leaving)
* raven hopes someone will at least take a look through the pile of talismans for a healing one.
<Lore> Guthor "Elfstar" Cut-Edge.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> yeah, you ate the poisoned food
<tieboy> cut-edge?
<tieboy> oh, right
<CrazyClimber> i'm always the last to know.
* Lore hits betsy with his dire flail.
<Lore> I work up a good barbarian rage, first.
<tieboy> wait, i've been trying to open the door
<jacquilyn> Now that I've gone away and rejoined do I get to be alive again?
<Lore> "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT"
* jacquilyn is hopeful.
<zompist> betsy manages to open the door
* raven could always be dragged outside and revived!
<zompist> before collapsing ironically across the threshhold
<Lore> I kill he quick, before she can leave.
* Samwises_ghost makes spooky sounds
* tieboy slinks out the door as fast as she can
<tieboy> oops. oh
<tieboy> dead
<Lore> Wait. Is Betsy dead?
<Samwises_ghost> Better kill her.
<TMR> Her breasts will be missed
<zompist> don't you want to go real close and check?
<GhostofPadreKemlo> can you see me, Betsy?
<Lore> No way. I stand back an pummel her.
<jacquilyn> The more important question, Betsy is whether you believe.
<tieboy> if betsy is alive, she readies her dagger for a deadly slash across the gnomes neck
<Lore> I wanan see skull shards.
<zompist> nah... the pummeling works, you're dead.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> ...you pummel her from a distance?
<tieboy> ah, nuts
<zompist> lore sees skull shards and nuts
<Samwises_ghost> Wait... was she technically out the door when she died?
<raven> That's what big sticks are *for*, padre.
<tieboy> at least i can go get some smokes
<Lore> Great. Well, that was a fun outing. I grab as many valuables as my raven-skin pockets can hold and split.
<zompist> across the threshhold, sam
<CrazyClimber> * kyol rolls 1d6 for a netsplit
<Samwises_ghost> So she made it out alive, just didn't make it very *far* out.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> a walnut-sized brain
*** tieboy is now known as Betsys_Ghost
<Lore> Oh, I see. Irony.
* GhostofPadreKemlo floats after Lore
*** raven is now known as ComaRaven
<zompist> oh, there's a bunch of loot here if you want it, lore
*** Betsys_Ghost is now known as tieboy
<Lore> Okay, so am I still in the room?
<zompist> yeah
<tieboy> ooh, get the wizards ring
<tieboy> er.
* ComaRaven clenches her gauntleted talons tight. Choke on a bad clam, bastard!
<Lore> Is there anythign itneresting in the loot? A ring of plot-twisting? A packet of Infinite Twizzlers?
<zompist> the ring of smoting the others has turned into a blackened, twisted hunk of metal, seeming to mock your thief-double-crossing barbarian soul
<Lore> Oh, for God's sake. The runes! It was her or me!
<zompist> you find some nice pinstripe chainmail in your size
<tieboy> see if there's a wand of Dwarf-Be-Resurected
<Lore> Lovely. Iput it on. I need some major magic here. Wishes or something.
<jacquilyn> Corporate sell out.
<zompist> and a Tome of Unlikely Plot Resolutions
<Lore> All-righty!
<raven> Read the Tome! Read the Tome!
<GhostofPadreKemlo> is there a Cleric-Raiser?
<zompist> and a bunch of blockbuster videos that are way overdue
<Lore> I open the tome and look at the pictures. I'm illiterate.
<Lore> Barbarian, doncha know.
<tieboy> how did you read the runes?
<zompist> the tome, adaptable even to barbarians, turns into a wordless comic strip.
<TMR> Fuck y'all, I LIKE being dead.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> runes != words
<zompist> you were still alive then, you could read them to him
<raven> he liked the pretty runic pictures.
<zompist> most of the tome's spells have been used, but there's two left.
<Lore> Lay them on me.
<GhostofPadreKemlo> one is a spell of Finding the Perfect Wallpaper
<zompist> one is a spell of resurrection
<Lore> Hey, wordless comic strips! Like "Henry"!
<zompist> the other is a scheme for making money fast on the king's passenger pigeon network.
<tieboy> doesn't my hairy ass look pert and inviting?
<Lore> Huh. Okay, I walk across the threshhold, simultaneously casting the spell of ressurection on myself.
<Lore> Maybe I can time this right.
<zompist> you walk out, but the spell does nothing-- you're still alive.
<tieboy> i thought you couldn't read, anyway
<zompist> fortunately it's not used up.
<tieboy> zomp is so nice
<Lore> All right! Well, I'll save the spell in case I ever need it and go hit the tavern.
<tieboy> heh heh
<zompist> heh! what a bastard!
<tieboy> oh crap, that's funny
<Lore> Am I third level yet?
<zompist> yeah, that did it.
<TMR> You're an eighth level BASTARD
* ComaRaven has a convulsive muscle spasm while in the coma and clocks Lore on the back of the head with a talisman.
<zompist> i'd say you've crashed your chances of making lawful good, though
<Lore> That's okay. I'm Chaotic Indifferent.
<Lore> Nice run, Zomp.
<tiesmokes> that was fun
<jacquilyn> That was incredibly bizarre.
<raven> That was great.
<zompist> heh, thanks.