will havinta shouldsa smicky-smitt ge-been

<jacquilyn> I was talking on the phone with this guy and trying to explain to him that my roommate is 'a nice boy, the kind you want to protect from all harm' and that's why he enver gets laid.
<jacquilyn> Then I made the mistake of saying 'unlike you'
<jacquilyn> Does this guy now think that a) I think he's not nice or b) I want to sleep with him?
* wabewalkr never has conversations like that.
<wabewalkr> But I'd say (b).
<jacquilyn> or c) he was ignoringme and thinks nothing at all.
<tieboy> probably thinks it was a friendly jab
<jacquilyn> Which is always a possability when talking to men.
<tieboy> huh?
<Mr-Ben> Honestly can't say.
<wabewalkr> Depends on how you said it.
<jacquilyn> See, because it wasn't meant to be mean or anything.
<tieboy> sounds like a compliment, because your roommate sounds like a total puss
<jacquilyn> He's a perfectly nice guy. he just doesn't ahve that Catholic innocence thing going on.
<ristoril> maybe it just means that you don't want to protect him from all harm
<Samwise> Well, *do* you want to jump his bones?
<ristoril> or possibly that that guy you were talking to does get laid
<tieboy> since you're so worried about it, it sounds to me like you do want to bang the guy
<ristoril> unlike puss boy
<Mr-Ben> Or maybe he's some socially awkward dork.
<ristoril> i think you were making a Freudian pass
<jacquilyn> Err. Umm. Well. Let's just say that shouuld the opportunity ever arise, I wouldn't object to sex, no.
<Samwise> rist: Freudian laterals are to be avoided.
<Samwise> jacqui: he probably thinks nothing of it, unless he was already wondering if you washed your panties in Windex.
<Lore> Freudian variables.
<Lore> $have_sex = "mom"; # Whoops!
<jacquilyn> tie: my roommate is a perfectly nice boy. Who has a perfectly nice harem of young women who spend large amounts of time with him but still won't sleep with him.
<tieboy> yeah. a puss.
<tieboy> s'what i said
<wabewalkr> He's gay.
<Samwise> He sounds like me in high school.
<wabewalkr> Sam was gay in high school?
<Samwise> Wabe: no, but some wondered.
<jacquilyn> Samwise: what does my choice of laundry detergent have to do with anything?
<Lore> He's giving off that terribly unattractive "I want to have sex, please" vibe.
<zompist> is it that, or do women not like nice guys?
<Lore> Nobody wants to have sex with someone who would like it but isn't going to be a jerk about it.
<blabich> I hand out "I want to have sex please" flyers
<wabewalkr> Oh, let's go down into this pit...
<jacquilyn> Lore: that' exactly it. He hits on every woman within like 3 seconds of meeting them. Desperation is so not attractive.
<Samwise> Because, he was thinking, "She must wash her panties in windex.. 'cause I can see myself in 'em."
<tieboy> yeah, sam, we got it
<Lore> I don't know. I got laid a lot more after I started kicking puppies.
<zompist> ah, ok, desperation. that's understandable.
<blabich> Samwise: Whos panties are you wairing
* tieboy starts counting to himself
<Lore> "Gee, Lore, I like you as a friend..." WHUMP Yipeyipeyipeyipe! "Actually, you're pretty hot now that I think about it."
<Mr-Ben> Kicking puppies, eh? :-)
<jacquilyn> Sam: cute, I've never heard thast one before.
<Samwise> You should take the next step and just messily devour them.
<Elkman> The panties, or the dogs?
<Samwise> the puppies.
<jacquilyn> He's way too lalergic to animals to kick puppies. He'd just have asthma attack and get sick.
<zompist> you were fucking puppies, lore?
<Lore> Well, I need some time to sleep.
<tieboy> women want deep dicking. that's it. all you gotta do is offer it.
<wabewalkr> He could shoot them from a distance...
<kaufman> so they don't have to do him doggie-style
<zompist> * tieboy has been learning from aolers
<Mr-Ben> Lore's bailing to avoid answering zomp's question...
<Lore> Deep Dicking, Private Eye
* wabewalkr thinks tieboy's been watching "Chasing Amy" too much.
<Mr-Ben> Oh. Scratch that. I thought he was leaving.
<tieboy> that's a great scene
<Lore> I have never fucked a puppy.
<Lore> Since 1977.
<raven> So you can give blood?
<zompist> "a" puppy no...but, several at one time?
<Mr-Ben> "Lore: Hasn't fucked a puppy since 1977".
<Lore> No, "I need some time to sleep" is why I don't messily devour them.
<wabewalkr> "Comedy as pure as fucking puppies before 1977."
<zompist> "The Brunching Shuttlecocks : More fun than fucking puppies."
<blabich> having sex with entire litters of puppies since 1978
<Lore> I have never fucked any four-legged vertebrate.
<tieboy> Puppy fucking is the new sincerity
<Samwise> Kangaroos?
<hippie> hot day to be fuckin' a dog.
<wabewalkr> Squids?
<raven> But jellyfish, on the other hand....
<Lore> No thanks, I just ate.
<Elkman> Whales?
<zompist> chordates?
<Lore> "Better pet him first, he looks mean."
<Samwise> trichordates?
<wabewalkr> Sharks?
<zompist> kemlos?
<blabich> cephalapod and caetation copulation since 1978
<raven> boneless chickens?
<Elkman> He said "fuck", not "choke".
<wabewalkr> Ah, wait. He chops a leg off before he fucks 'em!
<blabich> cuttlefish...I've been fucking cuttlefish? I thought that was cuddlefish...Im sooooo embarassed
<Lore> If I metion the quotes page, does that mean this conversation won't go on the quotes page?
<Samwise> Lore: your line probably won't.
<zompist> first rule of quote page is, don't talk about quote page
<raven> Nope.
<wabewalkr> "Dammit, I hope this gets on the quotes page so people can see how cool I am!"
<tieboy> sometimes the quote page has references to the quote page. like this quote page (provided this gets on the quote page)
<Lore> Why is it that any time someone fucks an animal around here everyone looks at me?
<zompist> it could be worse, you could be known as Treefucker.
<raven> Oh, yeah, Lore. I'm going to keep *that* off the quote page...
<wabewalkr> Punchline Theatre presents: "...but fuck one sheep..."
*** kaufman is now known as Magritte
<Magritte> This is not a line on the Quotes Page.
<raven> Yeah, at least you're in the "warm-blooded" category.
<tieboy> well, i ain't gonna look at the animal.
<tieboy> it's just embarrassing
<Lore> Act II: "Could you hold the collie for a few minutes?"
<Samwise> Act III: so the ant says "Take it, bitch!"
<Elkman> Act III: "I think I just stepped in a poodle."
<kaufman> Act IV: You picked the ugly one
<Lore> Act V: "Where's that girl with the sore tooth?"
<Mr-Ben> So Lore has had some bitches in his lifetime...
<blabich> "When he asked me to hold his dog for a minute...christ...I didn't know he was going to fuck it"
<Samwise> Act VI: "Yes, but we usually ride them into town."
<Lore> Act VII: "Most people just ride the camel to town."
<zompist> Act VIII: "Fucktard"
<zompist> oops, wrong joke
<hippie> Act IX: Tuesday? Tuesday's YOUR day in the barrel.
<Samwise> Act X: Then you're sure not gonna like Wednesdays.
<tieboy> "Act X: The baboon wasn't presenting, it was picking up a twig"
<kaufman> Act X: "I'm gonna have puppies!"
<tieboy> Act X: The longest Act
<Mr-Ben> Act XI: A Litter of Eleven
<zompist> Act X: It Doesn't Go To Eleven
<ristoril> Act X.I two ducks walk into a bar, with a man under each arm
<tieboy> Act X: Fights Tough Stains
<Lore> Racer X: "Speed! Look out!"
<kaufman> Malcolm X: "Burn Baby Burn"
<blabich> act XIII: Your scared? I have to walk out of these woods alone!
<zompist> Active X: Only Works On IE
<blabich> Brand X: Joke
<Lore> Professor X: "Nice hair, Wolverine."
<kaufman> Henry VIII: "She's been married seven times before!"
<tieboy> Professor X: I'm bald o fuck
<kaufman> Irish?
<blabich> no thanks, im stuffed
<Lore> No thanks, I just ate.
<Lore> Damn.
<Mr-Ben> Did you have some hush puppies, Lore?
<Elkman> Irish I could figure out this conversation.
<tieboy> No thanks, I fucking hate Micks
<raven> Hey!
<tieboy> sigh
<Lore> I did once have sex with Church Chimp, but that was just because I lost a bet.
<blabich> apples new I'Mick...in new whiskey colors
<tieboy> except raven, if she was reacting to that
<raven> Dammit, tie, you're gonna eat me and you're gonna LIKE IT.
<Lore> Rock the Micks like a vandal.
* Mr-Ben , being irish, also takes offense to that!
<zompist> get a room, kids!
<Mr-Ben> s/irish/part Irish
* tieboy blushes
<Lore> s/irish/easily offended/
<Lore> "Hey, I have friends with no sense of humor and they don't think that's very funny!"
<Elkman> s/irish/a loose cannon
* zompist takes offense
<zompist> who wants defense?
* Lore loses the coin toss, takes defense.
<kaufman> decontractor
* zompist attacks recklessly!
<Lore> But the best defense is a good office.
<Lore> Wait, I think I got that wrong.
<Samwise> ...door.
<Elkman> I thought the best defense was a good orifice.
<Lore> What do you mean by THAT, Zompist?
<zompist> defeat of deduct goes over defense before detail
<Lore> Wait. "Snkkkt" has "KKK" in it!
<zompist> so it's triply funny?
<Lore> You're all a bunch of inbred southern racists with lighters!
<tieboy> who you calling southern???
<Lore> Also, you enjoy time to yourself and make friends easily.
<kaufman> lore: so does Alabama
<Lore> It's amazing what astrology can tell you.
<zompist> we also like long walks on the beach
<kaufman> some side effects may occur
<tieboy> and lynchin's
<Lore> When Lincoln was asked how long a walk on the beach should be...
<zompist> only high-tech lynchings, tho'.
<Lore> "But Lincoln, during the hard times of my life I only saw one set of footprints!"
<raven> cyber-hangin's!
<zompist> "Long enough to meet a SWF,attractive, vivacious, enjoys Mozart and movies", responded the great man.
* zompist apologizes for not dropping the g
<Mr-Ben> "We gonna string you up, bwah!"
<Lore> "It was then that I was off listening to 'The Mummers Dance' on my Walkman."
<blabich> "Likes long walks on the beach.Love Children. Tends to anger."
<kaufman> "Kicks puppies"
<tieboy> "No Irish need apply"
<jacquilyn> "Sets kittens on fire."
<zompist> "Except Raven'
<kaufman> Act XII: "Paddy O'Furniture"
<Mr-Ben> Everyone hates the Irish...sheesh.
<kaufman> "And Elian"
<ristoril> Act XIII: "think we should've told him about the stepping stones?"
<jacquilyn> Elian is Irish?
<Samwise> No, I love the Irish! They're wonderful...
<kaufman> on his dad's side
<tieboy> Elian O'nzalez
<jacquilyn> Only when the u come bearing whiskey.
*** Samwise is now known as TriumphTheInsultDog
<TriumphTheInsultDog> For me to POOP ON!!
<Elkman> What a fucktard.
* Mr-Ben goes to shoot the dog, but it leaves too fast.
<kaufman> what a euphem ... GAAAAK
<jacquilyn> Best wedding I ever went to was an Irish lass marrying a Scottish lad. Her family were distillers, his were distributors. Both sides brought product samples.
* Mr-Ben rolls a grenade under kaufman's chair.
<zompist> i just remember two weddings i really enjoyed.
<tieboy> well???
<kaufman> there was a wedding of two comidians: his family were distillers; hers were dimearas.
*** raven is now known as lunchrave
<tieboy> now, i can eat her. she's lunch
<Mr-Ben> Were these weddings that involved removal of clothing and loud singing?
* kaufman pulls the pin and tosses it lazily away
<zompist> one was a relative... there was lots of dancing, and i had a gf to dance with... the other was the one where i was best man.
<jacquilyn> Who is Meara?
<Mr-Ben> Crap. Always forget the pin.
<tieboy> how about your wedding, zomp?
<Elkman> He was the second best man. HA HA
<jacquilyn> He didn't enjoy that at all, you're not allowed to enjoy your own wedding.
*** Signoff: Mr-Ben (I'm going away. The Irish are good people. I am NOT a loose cannon. FUCKTARDS!)
<zompist> exactly, jac... if you can just get through the tiredness and confusion you're doing ok.
<tieboy> Ben is an embarrassment to the Irish. You should kick him out, rave
<tieboy> that's magical, zomp
<jacquilyn> Do the Irish have excommunication from the nation or anything?
<zompist> i mean, it was a fine day, and left us married, but you can enjoy someone else's wedding a lot more.
<tieboy> i'm going stag to my wedding
<Elkman> As opposed to a wedding where the marriage slips through and doesn't leave you married?
<zompist> you're marrying elkman?
<kaufman> oh dear!
<zompist> elk: that can be bad. unless there's good food
<zompist> i mean, just 'cos the groom bailed, they're going to cancel the reception???
<zompist> fukctards!
*** tieboy is now known as tielunch
<Elkman> Ah. So he really is eating Raven.
<zompist> * RavenLunch is now known as RavenOohOohOooooohAhh
*** kaufman is now known as MegRyan
<MegRyan> I'll have what she's having
<Samwise> One order of tieboy, coming up
<Elkman> Coming up pretty violently, I'll bet.
<zompist> i think only a one-way eating was promised.
<zompist> besides, if she bent down that far she'd break something.
<zompist> tie is only about 4'2"
<Lore> I prefer my eating one-way.
<Elkman> You can't use my JPEG for a reference, zomp.
<Lore> In fact I take pains to make sure whatever I eat doesn't come back up.
<Elkman> It was just photo-edited. Badly.
<zompist> you must be no fun on a drunken frat binge, lore.
<Lore> How tall ARE you, Elkman. IF that's your real name!
<Lore> I'm fine on that. It's the drunken frat purges I'm not down with.
<Elkman> 5'7", IF that's your real question!
<jacquilyn> 5'7" i pretty short for a guy isn't it?
<Samwise> I think zomp towers over most of us.
<kaufman> him and Leth
* jacquilyn crosses Elk off the list of men she might date.
<jacquilyn> I never date men who aren't taller than me.
<Elkman> Thanks for the inferiority complex, Jacqui.
*** Elkman is now known as ShortElk
<Samwise> Heh. Too awkward when slow dancing, jacqui?
<zompist> that was the original name for book 2 of lotr-- The Zomp Tower
* ShortElk inspects the floor
<Lore> I never date women who aren't taller than me.
<jacquilyn> I don't dance. I just don't like the gene pool implications of someone who didn't manage to get any taller than 5'7"
<ristoril> i'm about 6'3"
<Lore> And I'm 6'4", so I'm pretty lonely.
<zompist> it could just be childhood malnutrition or something.
<Lore> Actually, short people tend to have longer, healthier lives.
* ShortElk rubs his antlers on the nearest wooden object
<jacquilyn> zomp: bad social bckground is not any more encouraging.
<zompist> get away from my chair, elk
<ristoril> they don't get exposed to all the high-flying pollutants
<kaufman> though they have no reason to live
<zompist> oh, you're just too picky.
<Samwise> good ref, ken.
<Lore> Actually, I never date women taller than me, either. And I have a set of calipers, so my dating pool is pretty small.
<Lore> s/taller/shorter/
<Lore> Oh, fuck nevermind.
<Lore> I should have paid more attention during Sesame Street.
<Lore> I still have trouble with the concepts of "over" and "under".
<zompist> if you watched more sesame street, you could understand over and under, but only in the context of one-minute animated cartoons.
<Lore> I only understand anything in the context of one-minute animated cartoons.
<Lore> Every time I try to boil a three-minute egg a pig tells me that's all before it's done.
<Elkman> Lore: What about conjunctions? Didn't that go on for more than a minute?
<Lore> Oh, why haven't the gods killed me yet?
*** zompist is now known as TheGods
*** Elkman is now known as nbsp
* nbsp smites Lore
<TheGods> Somebody here needed killin'?
* Lore is smote. Smited.
*** nbsp is now known as Elkman
<Samwise> smitten.
<Samwise> You are in deep smit.
<CrazyClimber> smoot.
<Lore> Why would I be smitten with someone who just killed me?
<kaufman> smut
<TheGods> We're kind of busy right now. Crisis out Orion way. Take a number.
*** TheGods is now known as zompist
<Samwise> will have been smote.
<zompist> will havinta shouldsa smicky-smitt ge-been
<Lore> Zompist has been mixing Clorox and Ammonia again.
<jacquilyn> Wow!. Somebody I work with just got the biggest bouquet of flowers.
<CrazyClimber> dammit, zomp, keep your classics in the correct cultures.
<jacquilyn> Huge, massive, two dozen long stem roses.
<jacquilyn> I need a man.
<zompist> hey, it's required to solve wabe's puzzles.
<Elkman> I'd help, but I'm too short.
<jacquilyn> I want somebody to send me flowers.
<Elkman> Plus, you're Canadian.
<zompist> what, so you can blame not getting roses on a particular person, rather than on society at large?
<Lore> I GOT a man!
<Lore> I got a MAN!
* CrazyClimber orders a dozen roses for jacqui and discovers the exchange rate means she'll get a wilted crocus.
<Lore> Which will be confiscated at the border for obscenity.
<CrazyClimber> if you worked closer to the border, jac, you could at least have glimpsed it before they burned it.