"Blessed are the perps, for they have the right to remain silent."
<Lore> "Click here to get saved: 8 hits
<Lore> "Click here to get saved": 8 hits
<Lore> And now I have a great new idea!
<Lore> We can teach kids that Christianity can be fun!
<bob> mmm... jesus vs. firelord
<Leth> do they need superglue, or are they just nailed to the base?
* agent_orange corners the market on Undead Jesuses
<tieboy> Jesus Twister
<zwit> Pin the Nail on the Jesus
<Leth> Rookie Jesus just walks on water and does the wine trick, veteran Jesus revives three turns after he's knocked out of the game
<Lore> I like the term "Rookie Jesus."
<ristoril> Now I have a burning desire to make an Illuminati Jesus card
<zwit> Trade you two Joseph Smiths and a Lazarus for your Veteran Jesus
<tieboy> remember when Jesus was a brash young padawan
<agent_orange> heh, the experienced jesus
<Lore> "He was brought up from single-A directly to the majors! It's unheard of! On the other hand, he's the son of God."
<Lore> "Although Barry Bonds also claims that position."
<ristoril> "this is for the birdie!" *putt* "oh, tough break, Jesus!" "yep. Or is it? uh... uh... booya!"
<Lore> "Henderson, this is Jesus. He's new to the force and he's gonna be your partner."
<tieboy> "It's in the cup! I haven't seen this many hole-in-ones since I looked at his hands and feet!"
<Lore> "Oh, man. What did I do to deserve another wet-behind-the-ears Galilean?"
<tieboy> I would like to see Jesus getting chewed out by the chief
<Lore> "Jesus, you're off the case! It's getting too personal!"
<Lore> "It's not too personal!"
<Lore> "You're going after your OWN MURDERER! Of course it's personal!"
<zwit> "Yes, but I forgive him!"
<Lore> "No one comes to federal prison except THROUGH ME!"
<agent_orange> Jesus's partner sets out to avenge his death, despite jesus being back in the squad car with him, urging him to forgive
<agent_orange> "You killed my partner, Johhny! I'll get you!" "Look, it's no big deal, okay?"
<tieboy> "Just tell me who this God character is, and why you think He has forsaken you."
<tieboy> "Is there anyone else who may have forsaken you? Think, dammit!"
<Lore> "My chief suspended me. So I turned the other chief."
<tieboy> "Christ, Christ! You know how much damage you caused? The moneychangers have to pick up the tab! You've made some powerful enemies, son. Son of God, I mean."
<agent_orange> "!-Adamn-1, we have a 649, Moneylenders in the temple, send backup, send ba--Jesus! Come back! Wait for backup, dammit!"
<ristoril> I can just imagine Jesus with one of those cop mustaches
<agent_orange> bad cop, really really good cop
<tieboy> "I swear I put four bullets into Christ. How could I have missed? Oh."
<Lore> Jesus goes to a leper snitch for info: "Yeah, I MIGHT know where Pilate is. But a little HEALING might help my memory."
<ristoril> "Look, my partner doesn't want you to get into Heaven, but if you cooperate maybe I can pull some strings, y'know?"
<Leth> "Look, I'm starting to get angry. Fig-tree angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...."
<Lore> Sermon on the Mount: "Blessed are the perps, for they have the right to remain silent."
<tieboy> "Did I fire six shots or five? Do you feel blessed, punk? Well, do ya?"
<ristoril> "Man, I can't believe my dad said I'm only 3 days from retiring."
<tieboy> "I'm too holy for this shit."
<zwit> picking up Mary Magdalene for soliciting
<bob> "you there. you can't wear that halo on a stakeout."
<Leth> "Do we call in the S.W.A.T. team?" "No, the S.M.O.T.E."
<Lore> "I don't go by the book. Well, not that book. Different book."
<ristoril> "Stop! Or you're soot!"
<zwit> the Miracle of the Coffee and Donuts
<tieboy> "There are at least 10 guys in there with shotgun. You go around back, and I'll pray for back-up."
<Samwise> "It's pretty messy in there. You sure you're up to this, rookie?" "I can handle iOH MY DAD!"
<ristoril> "Just whatever you do, don't mention 'stake-out' around Him."
<bob> "look, i may be the good cop here, but i'm still perfectly willing to go all old testament on your ass."
<Leth> "Let he who is with the clean line of sight fire the first shot"
<ristoril> "You know Lt. Jesus' rule: he'll go into any situation, no matter how hairy, except for Little Israel."
<Samwise> "You remember the first time you smote a guy?" "Yeah... it never gets any easier."
<Freyja> "Ite missa est, motherfucker"
<zwit> Unmarked squad car, unmatthewed squad car, unluked squd car...
<Leth> "I N R All over your ass, punk!"
<ristoril> having Jesus around would really put a damper on the locker room banter
<tieboy> "We need info. Let's go check with Huggy Judas."
<SeanQ> "We got you dead to rights on murder one... Jesus, get away from the corpse... c'mon, man, not again... *sigh* We got you on assault.."
<Lore> "Hey, it's the big sting! Where'd Lieutenant Iscariot go?" "Oh, he said he had to make a call."
<ristoril> "the wages of sin is HOT LEAD, MOTHERFUCKER!"
<Leth> the only thing that would make this riff worse is if we did it Friday
<Samwise> close enough
<SeanQ> setting up DWI stings
<Samwise> Donkeying While Intoxicated?
<SeanQ> "It's water, officer.... hey!"
<zwit> Driving While Israelite?
<Leth> "It's just soda, eh?" *zzap* "Looks like vodka to me"
<Samwise> "Come on, officer; that's oregano!" *zzap* "Don't think so, pal. You're doing 5-10 unless you tell us who gave you these silver pieces."
<SeanQ> "The chief shall inherit the perps"
<Lore> The Miracle of the Fixed Ticket
<ristoril> "Jesus would you stop fleecing the rookies with that 'killing yourself' trick?"
<zwit> "Get thee behind bars, Satan!"
<Leth> The Last Round At Grady's
<Lore> "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for you to escape justice, YOU BASTARD."
<Leth> "Take this Budweiser, as I have given up a fiver for you"
<Lore> Who's the Jewish Messiah that's a healing machine to all the sick? CHRIST!
<Lore> You're damn right.
<Samwise> Daaaarn right
<zwit> the siren plays the Hallelujah Chorus
<ristoril> "No one has diplomatic immunity from Sergeant Christ."
<Lore> Who's the cat who won't cop out, when a leper has the gout?
<Samwise> that is one bad savior
<zwit> "He's one mean Son of" - "Shut your mouth!"
<Lore> He's a consecrated man, and no one understands him but the Father.
<Lore> JAY Christ.
<tieboy> o/ Keep your eyeeeeeeee-eeeyyeeeeee... off of Sodom 0/
<zwit> "COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! NOW LET ME HEAR YOU SAY AMEN!"
<ristoril> "JESUS! You destroyed three cruisers, a hot dog stand, and embarassed the Mayor during the President's visit! What do you have to say for yourself?" "All will be forgiven." "The hell it will! Now give me your badge and-" *zzap* "Thanks, Dad."
<SeanQ> "No more excuses from you, punk. You can just talk through the hand."
<tieboy> he'd be good as the crazy suicidal cop, too. "What do you wanna hear, man? That every day I think about nailing myself to a cross? Well I do, every single day. Do you know what stops me? Doing the job."
<Lore> Okay. Now let's do Christ as the Captain of the Enterprise!
<tieboy> star trek: "Number One... Engage. And then wed. And then you can have sex."
<SeanQ> "ugly bags of holy water"
<SeanQ> "Set phasers on Save!"
<tieboy> "Trouble with Bibles"
<ristoril> "Hrm, we need one more for the Away Team. Lazarus!"
<SeanQ> "It's worse than that, he's... ahhh, got me again, sir!"
<SeanQ> "Captain, why are you wearing a red shirt today?"
<zwit> "Why does God need a starship?" "I just do."
<tieboy> *slaps chest* "Dad, one to beam up*
<Lore> Blessed are the geeks
<zwit> "The replicator only makes loaves and fishes."
<SeanQ> "FAH-ther..... for... GIVE.... them. They... KNOW.. NOT.. what they are.. DOING."
<SeanQ> it's hard to type in Shatner
<tieboy> "Captain's Log, stardate 000-0000-031
<tieboy> "Look, Wesley, *I* think you're a fucking useless turd. And I'm *Jesus*"
<ristoril> "Give us Genesis!" "You have DCC blocked, I can't."
<Lore> Space...the second-to-final frontier...
<SeanQ> has anyone ever made a reservation for thirteen at a restaurant under the name Jesus?
<Lore> I can't help but imagine someone has.
<tieboy> right before closing time
<Lore> Even pronouncing it "hey-SOOS."
<tieboy> can the wine list and bread basket already be on the table? thanks
<Lore> The Olive Garden of Gethsemane
<Lore> "This bread shall be my body. This wine shall be my blood. You don't want to know what the butter pats are."
<zwit> You can't nail yourself to a cross unless you're telekinetic.
<Lore> You could make a device.
<bobslunchin> you could drive the nails through the cross from the back and fall on them
<zwit> Point taken.
<zwit> oh, or have the cross set up to fall *on you*
<Lore> You could have really strong and dextrous fingers.
<bobslunchin> or a really limber tongue. tying a cherry stem into a knot is *nothin'*.
<SeanQ> I read something in News of the Weird about a guy who tried nailing himself to something, then called 911 when he couldn't get the last nail in
<SeanQ> that amy have been apochryphal, though
<Kyol> Prehensile wang.
<Lore> You could just use one of those clip-on crosses.
<ristoril> why did they have the "levitating Jesus" trick in _Passion_? I mean, His Dad kept Him from getting a little Gravel in the Face after letting Him get scourged nearly To death? Gee, thanks.
<zwit> oh, well, sure, if you're not ready for that level of commitment
<zwit> a clip-on cross is like clip-on earrings. Go all the way, get the piercing.
|Heather Garvey / Raven / firstname.lastname@example.org||I want to submit a log!|