#spinnwebe Logs : Smells Like God
<Leth^> ok....I need help thinking of suitable punishment for someone that sent me this: http://jyuska.tripod.com/crap.txt
<TomFish> five across the eyes?
<Leth^> I'm thinking millions of lemonjuice-soaked razor blades slicing her feet
<spinn> diana, david, and danae?
<TomFish> how do you pronounce danae?
<TomFish> mmm.. cheese danaesh
<Leth^> well, nevermind the fact that the story is utter bullshit, because preemie births don't work that way, it's just that I felt like vomiting a lot after reading it
<spinn> well, come on, leth, you know
<spinn> god's love and stuff
<spinn> rain and god's chest and all
<Leth^> yeah yeah....fuck that
<TomFish> that's how I felt when Leth mailed me the save card
<TomFish> like god had hugged me
<CrzyClmbr> i'm not sure there's enough acid in lemon juice.
<spinn> they couldn;t hold the baby to give it the strength of their love
<spinn> that's what the kid's thinking. "huh. I could use some lovestrength here"
<Leth^> and of course, her undeveloped nervous system gave her the ability to smell God
<Leth^> Divine B.O.
<TomFish> adn while god was busy hugging danae, fifteen children in uraguay died from the plague
<Leth^> yeah, but everyone knows God only really loves Caucasian babies
<TomFish> the burbs come first, said god
<spinn> so on one hand we're saying the kid has no problems, but on the other hand we're saying the kid knows what it's like to smell up God
<spinn> maybe we need to talk with the author
<TomFish> dammit, I gave them the means to afford an SUV, said a concerned god, they needed children to fill the back
<spinn> so, joe, when victor was born, was he getting a noseful of the almighty, or what?
<Leth^> nope, cause my wife's Jewish, and God lets them hang on their own
<spinn> I guess you run low on dopey heartwarming things a kid could say at the end of a story like that
<spinn> "the angels are pouring--uh, the saints are--um, okay, it smells like God"
<Leth^> If Vic ever says anything like that, he's going straight onto the Thorazine
<Leth^> Freshly Washed Deity
<spinn> "dad, this smells like the inside of St. Victor's linen closet." "boy, take your pills or yer gettin' a whuppin'."
<spinn> I forgot the kids name is victor already
<spinn> no wonder why it was in my head
<spinn> ruined my joke there
<Leth^> even the social workers slap the kid when they say that
<spinn> shoulda been like st. michael or something
<Leth^> that's ok, I forgive you, just like the ever-fresh God would
<spinn> in a government office, someone looking at you over a pile of paperwork, leans over and smacks your kid one
<spinn> he looks up to you for support. "don't look at me, kid, you asked for that one."
<zompist> so wait, what this is saying is, god smells like ozone?
<spinn> only when you put your head on his chest
<spinn> God likes to snuggle
<CrzyClmbr> can god create a bean he has no trouble digesting?
<spinn> this must've been written recently
<zompist> so when we have an ozone alert, it should be a god alert?
<spinn> older version would have said "in His lap"
<Leth^> Ok, I just had an image of God spooning with Mary....to hell I'm-a goin
<CrzyClmbr> I hope he was nice enough to take the wet spot.
<zompist> good think forking was not involved.
<spinn> wait a minute.
<Leth^> he had Moses part the wet spot for him
<spinn> I didn't read this closely enough..."His loving scent"?
<spinn> man, whoever wrote this really was going for something original
<Leth^> God Funk
<zompist> it's better than that hate-filled stink off satan's chest.
<LJ-atwork> his loving scent?
<Leth^> I think I'll rewrite the ending so that lightning strikes the bleachers, killing them all
<spinn> yeah, actually the kid was smelling the wrath of His swift and furious anger
<Leth^> it didn't give you a warm fuzzy Godluvin feeling?
<LJ-atwork> yeah, right inside my nose
<LJ-atwork> I need a nori
<spinn> the kid's like a pissed-off-God early warning device
<spinn> born like 4000 years too late. imagine if the old testament folks had one of those
<LJ-atwork> "Do you smell that?
<spinn> "well, say, job, I was gonna--" BEEP BEEP BEEP "--christ, I'll seeya later!"
<Leth^> "snnnf....hm, better get the kids inside, Coach's blaspheming's about to come to an end"
<LJ-atwork> "It's like God when you lay your head on his chest and he hasn't showered for a few days."
<zompist> "can't you just smell god?" "yes, and it means DUCK AND COVER!"
<Leth^> Think of all the Sodomite lives that could have been saved....
<spinn> "it's like snuggling up with God in front of a fireplace."
<LJ-atwork> "One time I told God that he was kinda smelly. I said it as nicely as I knew how, but He was offended and sent me back to earth."
<zompist> "it's like god smells just before he touches me in the bad place."
<spinn> "smell that, mommy?" "yes, it smells like rain." "no, it smells like Him when he pulls down his pants and massages his speedos. Mommy, I want to go home."
* LJ-atwork is snorfling.
<zompist> hey, andy ihnatko wouldn't approve of that joke.
<Leth^> "God bad-touched me again, mommy! Smell it?"
*** MtgRaven is now known as Da_Raven
<spinn> or, different angle
<zompist> rave: http://jyuska.tripod.com/crap.txt
* LJ-atwork snknknkts all over Leth
<spinn> mom, daughter in bleachers, watchig stuff, having fun.
<spinn> slow closeup of kid, who's smiling, but the smile slowly fades. camera rotates around her, sniffing the air, until the mom's in the shot in the back
<LJ-atwork> mom's shot in the back?
<CrzyClmbr> smelly deity / the funky scent of fresh sex / the kid's just a kid
<spinn> girl looks up to the left, raises her right arm to grab mom's arm and tug a few times
<spinn> "what is it, honey?"
<spinn> she sniffs a few times, still looking up: "It's Him."
<spinn> slowly swell creepy music
<LJ-atwork> "Hoooooo-ey. Is that Cinese food or- ohhhh, it's Him."
<LJ-atwork> I wonder what cinese food is
<Leth^> the cuisine of Gary Cinese, aka Lt Dan
*** CrzyClmbr is now known as MrLuke
<zompist> lt. dan? dmlaenker joined the navy?
<LJ-atwork> "Lieutenant Dan! Lieutenant Dan! I smell GAWD!"
<zompist> well, he'll be happy there.
<MrLuke> Hello please God! Let me steam your dumplings!"
*** MrLuke is now known as CrzyClmbr
<spinn> it's starting to rain / see, mommy, it smells like Him / back on the prosac
<LJ-atwork> sniff - smell that, mommy? / God has us against his breast. / Cop a feel, mommy.
<spinn> damn, you got me with that one
<LJ-atwork> I just worried a coworker
<LJ-atwork> I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, chuckling silently
<Leth^> send them the link, they'll feel better in no time
<zompist> there once was a girl named danae / who smelled god when the weather was rainae / said she, it is true / he smells like a zoo / but this trick should be worth lots of monae.
* CrzyClmbr hands J a hanky
<LJ-atwork> an God will be vengeful... thank goodness my sense of smell has been obliterated by allergies
<spinn> that's the second skknkt outta me in as many minutes.
<LJ-atwork> damnit zomp
<LJ-atwork> oh, man... I have to pee
<Leth^> #spinnwebe: Not to be read with a full bladder
<Samwise> Or a full Nori.
<spinn> that's heaven. you smell god for all eternity
<zompist> where's doc evil to ask why we hate god so much?
<LJ-atwork> "Man, that was som powerful acid... I smelled God!"
<LJ-atwork> I don't hate God
<spinn> later you have little heavenly conferences where you discuss the different smells
<LJ-atwork> but he shouldn't wear so much cologne.
<Samwise> I bet he wears "Eternity"
<LJ-atwork> back in the 80s he wore a lot of Drakkar
<spinn> three part seminars on the comparison between His chin and the nape of His neck
* Samwise wears eternity
<spinn> Settling a Controversy: Do The Elbows Differ? Wednesday, 1-3:30
<LJ-atwork> I much prefer the natural scent of a clean deity
<zompist> well, there's a reason jesus sits at the *right* side of the father.
<spinn> 3:30-3:45, Nori break
<Leth^> zompist: no Left Guard in heaven?
<zompist> no leftists at all, from what i hear.
<spinn> 3:45-5:00 The Naughty Bits: Also Very Clean, But No Newly Bathed Baby
<Samwise> Hehehe...you could hook one up to a faucet for an executive "power nori"
<spinn> that' called The Nori Blow
*** zompist is now known as kemlo
<kemlo> now wait, how can *god* have *naughty* bits?
*** kemlo is now known as zompist
<spinn> with a big yellow striped sticker on the side: KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN AT ALL TIMES
<spinn> I wanted to slap you anyway.
<spinn> 9am-9:45am: Getting Prime Real Estate With All The Ethereal Primi Babies In The Way
<spinn> 9:45-10: nori break
<spinn> 10-11: Proper Hygenics: Sure, God Smells As Fresh As A Gentle Rain, But Your Neighbor Has To Deal With Your Funk
<spinn> 11-12: Sniffing God's Butt: Billions Of Dogs Can't Be Wrong
Heather Garvey / Raven / firstname.lastname@example.org