"and on the seventh day during commercials for Friends that he created for the occasion, God decided to drop in a low-orbit sphere of water, 'just in case'."

<wabewalkr> How can Johnny Hart keep making B.C. which shows anti-Bible dinosaurs?
<Mia_D> I dunno, it was the whole turning the menorah into a cross that made me laugh in horror
<Dodge> How do you know the dinosaurs are anti-bible?
<Machival> because dinosaurs and man never co-existed.
<wabewalkr> They weren't mentioned in the bible, therefore they didn't exist.
<Bonwag> Some new arks have Dinosaurs walking in two-by-two
<Machival> new arks?
<Machival> have there been worldwide floods going on that I'm unaware of or something?
<Bonwag> the 2002 models.
<wabewalkr> That ark would be seventy-five times the size of the largest ocean liner.
<spinn> dang, yeah, where was that site that explained how the ark was probably built
<spinn> damn, it was entertaining, too
<wabewalkr> Space aliens lent a hand?
<Dodge> o/` Old man Noah...he built the ark...he built it out of gopher bark o/`
<wabewalkr> Mark Twain did a neat analysis.
<spinn> yeah, the poop maintenance alone would be staggering
<spinn> I can barely manage two cats
<wabewalkr> Since every human but Noah's family were obliterated, they had to carry about 200 forms of human parasites apiece.
<Machival> maybe he had some kind of crude colostomy system.
<MisterQ> the ark was powered by poop. Noah carried dna samples of all the animals which he cloned using lost atlantean technology.
<MisterQ> heh
<spinn> I think it's interesting that these discussions about the existence of the ark tend to focus on its size
<wabewalkr> They do.
<Bonwag> it matters
<wabewalkr> Somebody did an analysis on nematodes alone, and it was larger than the Empire State building or something of that scale.
<spinn> I mean, christ, you picture your family kicking everyone out of the lincoln park zoo and running it for 40 days
<spinn> and see how many animlas are still left alive at the end of it
<tieboy> and the dung. the dung.
<spinn> plus, put them all on a boat
<spinn> actually, just for free, I'll give them the dung
<spinn> just assume it takes a lot of hard work
<Machival> how about food supply?
<tieboy> i won't give them the dung
<Machival> where the hell'd they put that?
<MisterQ> hense the bible is full of bullshit, and every other animal's
<spinn> but I mean, christ, the vetinary knowledge required to properly feed bats and penguins and armadillos
<spinn> hell, I would probably kill a ferret if left to my own devices to care for the thing
<Dodge> Not to mention humpty-humped camels and long neck geese.
<spinn> I'll even give them food, mach
<Lots42> It's gawd. Can't gawd do anything?
<spinn> just say it was a really big boat
<spinn> lots, yeah, but it's these people who try to prove it
<spinn> if they say "it's what I believe" I leave them alone
<spinn> start drawing up schematics and I have a problem
<wabewalkr> The current theory was that there was a "sphere of water" in low orbit around the planet that kept out harmful radiation and thus allowed people to live around 700 years. God simply caused that water to fall.
<Dodge> Those casinos in Biloxi are technically boats, but you can't sail a 15 story building.
<MisterQ> sphere.. of water
<spinn> wabe: aw christ that is so stupid
<wabewalkr> I'm not kidding.
<Bonwag> That's a theory
<spinn> why the fuck bother trying to invent that
<Dodge> That is truly the dumbest thing I've heard.
<spinn> I'd rather hear "god created water"
<Dodge> I liked my giant floating casino theory better than that.
<spinn> low-orbit sphere of water
<spinn> da fuck, did he put it there just in case he needed it later?
<spinn> "and on the seventh day during commercials for Friends that he created for the occasion, God decided to drop in a low-orbit sphere of water, 'just in case'."
<tieboy> sphere of water
<Mia_D> hrm..let me see what chick says about this whole noah thing.
<tieboy> i don't have any problems grasping the God could flood the earth.
<tieboy> I don't need a sphere of floating water to explain it.
<tieboy> What I do need explained is the dung. The dung.
<spinn> yeah, I have a harder time accepting that God set up a radiation-absorbing low-orbit sphere of water, biding its time
<Mia_D> here's what chick says
<Mia_D> http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0272/0272_01.asp
<MisterQ> okay.. there was a giant rouge sphere of water which came from God's wang or something, and it flooded the Earth and created all the animals which man used and ate and then stapled to a giant boat which traveled from inside the sphere to the outside where continental drift formed the land masses and the industrial revolution did the rest.
<wabewalkr> Because then Noah wouldn't be challenged.
<tieboy> right
<tieboy> the dung would be a big challenge
<spinn> man
<spinn> so noah hauled 34000 tons of wood
<spinn> "O Lord, You Want It WHEN?!?!?!?"
<tieboy> i mean, 90% of zookeeping has to be dung-related
<MisterQ> My thoery is that God loves poop
<tieboy> every Wednesday morning, I know the director of every zoo calls a meeting and goes "Okay, what's the dung status."
<MisterQ> every time you honk out a dirt snake, an angel gets his wings
<spinn> the bible also doesn't mention the militia noah trained and armed with ak47s to keep the rabble off his boat
<spinn> I haven't gotten to the end of this yet, but I'm really curious how chick thinks the russians screwed up the ark
<spinn> bet it's like when the commies came to power and they were godless and such and destroyed it
<MisterQ> Lenin forgot to take out the 60000 metric tons of poop when it was his turn
<spinn> yep. the godless commies.
<spinn> knew it
<MisterQ> I hate them so!

---

<Mia_D> http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0084/0084_01.asp
<Mia_D> god I love that one.
<MisterQ> Gulp?
<Mia_D> heh
<MisterQ> that lady is thinking about swallowing
<spinn> man, yeah
<spinn> that gulp
<spinn> but he does a good job of making the guys look like big flaming fags, don;t he
<Mia_D> "They occupy all kinds of jobs and proffesions in business, education, and government."
<Mia_D> NOOO! THEY HAVE JOBS!!!
<MisterQ> I don't know, the lovecraftian images those two archeologists uncover in the ruins of the City of Gezor
<spinn> archaologists driven to vomit by drawings on cave walls
<wabewalkr> Yeah, archaologists are always so incredibly religious.
<MisterQ> Send them out so we may know them (sexually) -bwahaha!
<spinn> heheheh
<spinn> man. "the homosexuals wearied themselves, trying to find the door."
<MisterQ> snkktt
<spinn> they've just been struck blind, but they're all worn out from still trying to find the guys so they can screw 'em
<spinn> homosexuals are nothing if not persistent
<MisterQ> "We just want to redecorate your hovel, Lot!"
<spinn> yeah, plus that lot felt like he had to protect angels
<spinn> he offers the mob his daughters
<spinn> then the angels wave a hand and blind everybody
<spinn> I imagine lot just turned around and gave them seething stares after that
<spinn> I dig that they wearied themselves trying to find the door
<spinn> like if the angels had made them lose the use of their legs, they would've gotten scrapes and bruises from trying to get in the door to screw them
<Mia_D> Heh. The gays who are getting married also look exhausted
<Mia_D> or sad
<Mia_D> very sad
<spinn> "then the angels caused their mouths to close over, such that their skin was smooth from nose to chin; and the homosexuals did fall to the ground, scratching these words into the dirt: 'but how will I suck dick now'"
<MisterQ> "Give us your men, we're going to rape them".. first of, how is Lot escape being gang raped repediatly if he lived there, and why is the Lord Humungous from Road Warrior trying to break down his door?
<spinn> q: because the angels were /hot/
<MisterQ> I guess
<spinn> oh, actually, you assume lot /wasn't/ gang raped after poker game every thursday
<spinn> angels were fresh faces, I guess
<spinn> "man, this door-findin' is tough when you're blind" "you said it, fred, I'm plum tuckered out"

---

<MisterQ> this still has to be the best one: http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0046/0046_01.asp
<spinn> aw god no
<spinn> evils of d&d
<spinn> goddamn these things hurt
<MisterQ> Join the adventures of Debie Elfstar already in progress
<Lots42> My theory is that parts of the bible were the ancient equivelent of stroke books
<spinn> *the* *real* *power*?
<spinn> aw man
<spinn> I got enough experience to be an 8th level cleric now, so I'm in the coven
<spinn> goddamn
<spinn> oh!!
<spinn> this is where that elfstar/debbie quote came from
<MisterQ> When Debbie casts the Mind Bondage spell, why does she turn into a vampire from Buffy?
<spinn> actually, when she casts the Mind Bondage spell, why the hell doesn't she ask for like a car or new clothes or something
<MisterQ> "Hey Debbie, Marcie's on the phone" "I can't, I'm 'fighting the Zombie'"
<spinn> I think it would be more interesting if she cast the Mind Bondage spell to make her dad contribute $500 to the local church to throw off suspicion
<spinn> wouldn't that give chick moral fits
<spinn> sheese, you'd think if she was an eight level cleric she'd make short work of a zombie
<wabewalkr> Well, that's Chickian research for you.
<spinn> or at least when she joined the coven they'd spiff her a level and a few Wands of Light, 10' Radius
<Machival> and why does debbie look like she's having a stroke?
<MisterQ> Debbie cast Word of God, and vanquished the Zombie
<wabewalkr> And how can she fight the Zombie if the DM is on the phone?
<spinn> man, I just dig the basis, though
<spinn> "you've finally reached 24,000 experience points, you are prepared to join our CIRCLE OF POWER"
<Machival> "I joined a witch's coven and all I got was this lousy 1d6 Wand of Zombie-Slaying with a +8 against undead creatures."
<wabewalkr> Take enough drugs, Greg, and I'm sure you could make a connection between the consumption of Cheez Whiz and Satan.
<spinn> bad example. I think that's implicit already
<MisterQ> When you join the church, you get a Bible of -200 intelligence, apparently
<MisterQ> do not talk bad about the CIRCLE OF POWER! Not until you bring us a rare artifact
<wabewalkr> "Like your dad's credit card!"
<MisterQ> yes!
<spinn> we will teach you /the/ /real/ /power/ of the Mind Bondage spell, but only after you roll 2d10 to see if you can locate Baba Yaga's Hut
<wabewalkr> OK, how about this for an exercise: show that the Enron collapse is the result of Satanists and Sodomites, not bad accounting practices.
<spinn> oh, that's good
<spinn> with supporting text from ecclastices
<Machival> and I like how this chick killed herself 'cause her D&D character died.
<Machival> "I can't go on!"
<spinn> her little pewter figurines in the foreground to heighten the tragedy
<wabewalkr> Nobody ever killed themselves because they were booted out of church. Therefore, D&D is much more powerful than Jesus!
<Machival> "I loved dragons SO MUCH..."

---

<Mia_D> And the classic, CLASSIC chick tract:
<spinn> no!
<Mia_D> http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0094/0094_01.asp
<Machival> the spirits of D&D!
<spinn> I can't take any more
<spinn> I'm trying to work
<spinn> ah crap okay
<Mia_D> Especially when the teacher tells them to kill the kittens and puppies
<spinn> aw man
<spinn> the first two images, already
<spinn> that's what they'll announce
<spinn> "speaker, I would like to introduce resolution 2514, whether jesus christ is the only way to the father in heaven"
<MisterQaway> "we may be moving into the mansions in heaven soon" snkkt
<Machival> "Okay, well... we've united the world under a single form of government. Okay. What next? Hrmmm... okay, how about this... we'll kill people for... hrmmm... for saying that 'Jesus is the only way to heaven'."
<spinn> "here comes the /monster/!"
<spinn> man there's a loving family
<spinn> "we're moving into our mansions in heaven, son, except you will be stuck with a spit and roast over the fires of Hell for all eternity."
<spinn> oh man, the tomb raider new age healer
<wabewalkr> Yeah, he's great.
<MisterQaway> The new age healer will CRRUSH YOU!
<Mia_D> he looks like a hilarious new age wrestler
<spinn> man
<spinn> these things are impossible to parody
<Mia_D> actually there IS a chick parody archive somewhere
<spinn> yeah, I know
<spinn> but I'm sure it's redundant
<spinn> only way you can really parody it is like, replace every instance of "jesus" with "beef"
<spinn> but you just can't make a new one in the jack chick style without basically adding to his catalog
<MisterQaway> "Their clothes are on the floor, but where are they?" They are in the backyard, naked.. having sex
<spinn> yeah
<spinn> "we have nothing to lose...and everything to gain!! hrrmph hrrr urmmf uhhh"
<spinn> man, the kid's a little damien, isn't he
<spinn> "the kids call me slime because my fucking parents are still married"
<MisterQaway> To be ready to meet Jesus in the air, you must 1. own a helecopter
<spinn> yeah, it's all death or daisies, ain't it, jack
<Machival> yeah, I loved that kid.
<Mia_D> I love you little bobby
<spinn> the clothes, though. he's a little shocktrooper
<spinn> nice of the parents to dress the monster in his favorite fascist togs
<wabewalkr> Well, they had them left over from the Holocaust.
<Machival> "bobby, where's your shirt?" "why, mom? you cunt!" "I wanna sew that swastika patch on the arm." "okay. you malevolent twat. I'll bring it right down."
<Mia_D> Rule # 2 of Religious comic art: Make all animals for sacrifice horrifically adorible
<spinn> "the kids call me /slime/ because I still /wipe my butt properly/!"
<spinn> yeah, picture that scene, too
<spinn> "okay, kids, I'm distributing color copies of pictures of animals that would be perfect for halloween sacrifice. don't lose them, they cost a dollar each with the color laser printer and we can't get more."
<spinn> "take one and pass the rest down the aisle behind you."
<spinn> man, life must be easy when God's holy Power is directing you
<spinn> there is simply no way to doubt what you're doing
<spinn> it's like making excuses for being drunk, except with God
<spinn> "can't help it, it's the Diety talking."