#spinnwebe Logs : I don't want to be Elfstar any more. I want to be Debbie!
<Leth> it was actually kindof a cool bot, they had it broken down into King James versions and NIV (?)
<Lore> NIV is the work of the Devil.
<Lore> Have you read the Jack Chick justification for not worrying about what the original Bible said?
<Leth> nah, outside of occasionally glancing at it for mockery purposes, I've managed to avoid Jack
<Lore> He actually goes through this elaborate skein of pseudo-logic to "prove" that the King James Version is the true version of the Bible.
<Leth> that sounds like good readin
<Lore> He's fun. He's like CAPAlert with pictures.
* Elkman raids the Death Cookie Jar
<jacquilyn> But he doesn't have the fun English - like 'igniting anal winds' and stuff.
<jacquilyn> I think Jack should draaw and tom should right.
<zompist> i wonder if (say) spanish fundies are supposed to learn english in order to read the kjv?
<jacquilyn> It rould be the ultimate of fundie literature.
<Lore> He has other fun English, like "Yaaaaaaaa!"
<Lore> That's not the KJ one, but it's fun.
<Elkman> Since when did D&D players hang out in well-kept dining rooms?
<Elkman> I thought they only played in dark basements.
<zompist> we used to play in the observatory.
<Lore> "I can't. I'm fighting the Zombie."
<Lore> That one goes into the Big Book of Masturbation Euphemisms.
<zompist> along with "played in dark basements"
<Bryan> Dear me.
<Bryan> That comic was. Um. Upsetting.
<Bryan> I never knew what I was risking by playing D and D.
<zompist> did it make you want to profess jesus as lord?
<Bryan> Even worse, I was playing AD&D
<zompist> all the more satanic.
<Bryan> I could go for some of that real power, though.
<Lore> Antichirst Dungeons and Dragons!
<Bryan> It'd be nice to be able to cast Alter Self every now and again
<Lore> You have to develop your personality first.
<Lore> Or Otto's Irresistible Dance.
<Lore> I don't want to be Elfstar any more. I want to be Debbie.
<Bryan> I don't want to be Elfstar or Debbie.
<Lore> Hey, this one Jesus guy has Hypno-Hair!
<Bryan> Hey looks scarier to me than the occult dudes
<Elkman> I never started playing D&D. I guess I don't have a problem.
<Elkman> Except for the fact that i had a pirated copy of Wizardry on my Apple II+.
<Lore> I don't want to be Elkman anymore. I want to be Debbie.
*** Lore is now known as Debbie
<zompist> hi, debbie!
* zompist buys debbie a drink.
* Leth cues up some Barry White mp3s
<Debbie> Anyhow, here's the "logic" surrounding the KJV.
<Debbie> Warning: Long, boring, and difficult to follow.
<CrazyClimber> you sure know how to sell a link, Lore.
<Leth> bah...I had 16 years of Catholic education. I can handle this
<Leth> ahhh...there's the anti-Jesuit bit
<Elkman> So it's just Catholic bibles that are bad?
<Leth> I like the "Satan hiding behind the pyramids" pic
<zompist> elk: no, all modern translations *but* the kjv.
<Elkman> Aren't there modern translations that don't contain the Apocrypha?
<zompist> but he's not really saying the kjv is better than the greek-- he's saying anyting translated from this "textus receptus" is.
<zompist> so, luther's bible is also ok. whew!
<Debbie> Well, that's the unclear bit to me. He seems to imply that it's POSSIBLE to translate successfully from the "real" original Greek, but he also condemns comparing the English to the original Greek.
<zompist> yes, but that's 'cos they're using the BAD greek version.
<Raven> "Loyola and his Deadly Jesuits" That would be a neat band name.
<Leth> oh good, he remembered to use the interpretation of Revelation that calls the Catholic church the mother of harlots
<zompist> see, he's saying there's two greek versions-- an evil one and the good one.
<Elkman> And he makes it sound like the Catholic Church is completely based on the Apocrypha. Since when?
<Debbie> He says lots of things about the Catholics.
<Leth> He takes an interesting spin on Henry VII's schism, too
<Raven> "the pope released his Jesuits upon England" Deadly Ninja Jesuits, with black cassocks and nunchaku.
<Leth> and Holy Mice
<CrazyClimber> there's another good band name, Henry VII's Schism
<zompist> "in 1541 satan, through pope paul iii, officially welcomed loyola".
<Leth> "The Death Cookie"!!
<zompist> i'm glad satan made it official.
<Debbie> I'm so tired of having to go through Satan's people.
<tie> the Wafer God?
<Debbie> It didn't used to be like this. Used to be you could go over to Satan's for a beer. Now it's all "Well, call my secretary." or "Well, talk to the Pope."
<zompist> man, you'd think the apocrypha was some really hot stuff after ploughing through this.
<zompist> it's basically the second-rate stuff the jews left out of the bible.
<Debbie> Yeah. I've never read it, but I assume it says that Jesus was a shrimper and Mary tricked for candy bars.
<Elkman> Now I get it. Candles are bad.
<zompist> i also like the catholics saying "the heretics will remove the apocrypha?" catholics don't call it that, iirc.
<Leth> so calling Joseph 'his father' is bad. ok
<Elkman> Just like that one music video. The one with all the candles.
<tie> Goodbye Norma Jean/Lady Di/Chris Farley/Charles Schulz/Tito Puente?
<Raven> zomp : We don't?
<Debbie> Is this some elaborate way of getting to Kevin Bacon?
<zompist> well, look in your bible. :)
<Raven> I'm pretty sure we do.
*** Leth has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to Hocus Pocus Domi Nocus!.
<zompist> i thought they were called the "deuterocanonical books".
<Raven> Which is why I thought it was cooler than it was.
*** Debbie is now known as Lore
<Lore> I don't want to be Hitler anymore. I want to be Debbie.
<zompist> OMIGOD HE'S REALY A GUY!
* zompist is glad he didn't get into debbie's pants.
<tie> uhm... ignore all those dirty /msgs then
<Lore> Lore could be a girl's name.
<Lore> In fact, it is. On some people.
<Lore> On girls, to be precise.
<zompist> er... the ones to me, or to him...?
<Leth> heheh... "IHS stands for Isis, Horus and Set, the gods of Egypt"
<jacquilyn> Ever Lor I know in Real Life is a girl, why should a Lore be any different?
<Lore> Round, SUN shaped wafers.
<Lore> Dead giveaway!
<Elkman> But the sun is spherical, not flat.
<Lore> There you go, spreading Satan's lies again.
<Leth> next thing you know he'll say the earth goes around the sun
<Elkman> OK, suppose I pray the prayer at the bottom of his page, and I'm saved. What happens if I go to church on Sunday and go to communion?
<Elkman> Or, "eat the death cookie" as Jack Chick puts it?
<zompist> "Also beware of Bible footnotes."
<Raven> Well, there's a euph-
<zompist> you can't go back to satan's church, elk!!
<Leth> of course he completely ignore the fact that 90% of the Council Of Trent's decrees are no longer valid
<zompist> jeez, next thing, you'll be asking for a damn modern translation!
<Lore> Did the first Pope really look like a 40's-era bar napkin cartoon character?
<Leth> Peter? yup
<Elkman> Is that because of #3, where I have to go to church where the Bible is the final authority?
<zompist> damn straight. the real bible, mind you.
<zompist> not that italian guy wearing a dress.
<Lore> He's got one of these for every major religion.
<Leth> I like the guy on the index page, too
<Elkman> If the Bible is the final authority, then what's the use of Jack Chick tracts?
<Lore> Jews, Moslems, Buddhists, &c.
<zompist> is there one against linux...?
<zompist> the textus receptus unfortunately neglected to include cartoons.
<Leth> http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1008/1008_01.asp There's a happy little tale
<Raven> I like "Allah Had No Son" where five minutes of talking convinces a Moslem that he's in the wrong religion.
<Lore> Yeah, one interesting thing about Chick tracts is that nobody ever puts up much of a fight.
<zompist> well, those jesuits are pretty tenacious.
<Lore> Some random fundie starts telling them they're worshipping Satan, quotes a Bible verse or two, and they're like "Oh! I didn't know that."
<tie> Works with rascists, too.
<Lore> "You mean the holy book of some other religion contradicts mine? I'll be horsewhipped. Better take this hat off, then and worship YOUR God."
<Leth> he's a big fan of psychology too, it appears
<Lore> Simpson, eh?
<Lore> IT'S FULL OF SNAKES!
<Lore> "Grandpa [...] my heart is REALLY dirty."
<Leth> "Shout it out!"
<Lore> "I always wondered why they called it 'Poisonous Snake Pond.' Now I know."
<tie> Wow. Swimming IS evil.
<Leth> "The windmill was the key. They should have known that a windmill only means snakes."
<Raven> It's a good thing those kids died from water snakes. I mean, how else was the preacher going to work in that Satan reference? What if they had gotten hit by a truck or something, the inconsiderate bastards?
<Lore> Here we go. No Linux, but this one mentions computers:
<Raven> Noooooo! Not computers!
<Lore> "There's a truck coming at us all. A truck made by SATANBILT!"
<Leth> "If you rearrange the letters of Mack Truck, you get, um, demonic phrases!"
<CrazyClimber> i wonder why he got chick.com. isn't commercial activity dirty or something?
<Lore> "Muck Track! Like the slimy trail Satan leaves upon the Earth!"
<Leth> So crusading for world peace is evil and the work of Satan? Time for a Crusade against the UN I guess
<Lore> Oh, he's against the UN, all righty.
<Raven> "Don't Piss Off The Jews"
<zompist> you can tell that this guy is evil, 'cos he laughs "haw! haw! haw!"
<Leth> bahahahaa...I love the guillotine-equipped motor scooter
<Lore> Yeah. Handy, innit?
<Elkman> Our local department of transportation calls them "Highway Helpers".
<zompist> "For factual information on Satanism, read LUCIFER DETHRONED, the true story of ex-vampire William Schnoebelen."
<zompist> we know it's factual and true 'cos, man, an ex-vampire told us!
<Lore> Play D&D or masturbate.
<zompist> lore: man, what a choice!
<KyolTroll> Lore: Heh, D&D would actually be neat down here.
<Lore> Yeah. He got out of the vampire biz when it got too commerical.
<jacquilyn> America is a mere pupper to the UN?
<jacquilyn> pupper = puppet
<KyolTroll> I thought it was the other way around.
<KyolTroll> "Dance, Finland, dance!"
<jacquilyn> I know, Kyol, so did I.
<zompist> ooh, check out the fashions in paradise!
<KyolTroll> "Dol what we tell you to do, or we'll let those nasty commies come and roll over your asses again."
<zompist> little cut-outs for the men... naked babies for the women!
<Lore> I want to go to the Jehova's Witness paradise, 'cause you get to pet baby pandas.
<CrazyClimber> we're just racking up the euphemisms here.
<Elkman> Oh, like THAT isn't a euphemism.
<Leth> huh....I never knew Germany was a Catholic state under Hitler. Guess all those priests in the concentration camps were a clerical error?
*** Leth has been kicked off channel #spinnwebe by Elkman (Yeah, I caught that pun.)
*** Leth has joined channel #spinnwebe
<CrazyClimber> collared again!
<zompist> hey, the jesuits killed abe lincoln.
<Lore> With Jesuit throwing stars.
<Lore> Jesus Christ! Throwing Star!
<nicotie> Boy, we're all gonna take the pipe if this dude is right
<Lore> More scenes from the tribulation.
<Elkman> The season finale of "Friends"?
<Lore> Jesus is your only real friend, Elkman.
<Leth> http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0071/0071_01.asp Shows how all us Catholic types are just tools of the devil and the Egyptians
<Lore> He'll give you something much better than a "Rachel" haircut.
<Elkman> Well, I'd certainly hope so.
<zompist> "We expect a Muslim flag to fly over the White House by 2010."
<Raven> http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0029/0029_01.asp, however, shows the Catholic Church creating Islam as an army to destryong the Jews.
<Leth> "Solyent Green is Christians!"
<Lore> On the other hand, http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0039/0039_01.asp has a little boy who likes ants.
<CrazyClimber> whoa... Note: The Pope has two powers -- he's the chief of a political state AND a religious leader.
<CrazyClimber> Doesn't that violate separation of church and state?
<Leth> CC: Yeah, and everyone fears the power of the Vatican armies
<zompist> huh! african nations experienced a drought because they broke off diplomatic relationships with israel.
<Lore> Plus he can turn into a bird.
<Leth> They have a good navy too
<Elkman> And I'm supposed to go to battle for the Catholic Church. I don't even have a gun.
<zompist> god carefully shapes the rain to match our political boundaries.
<CrazyClimber> but it's the air force everyone's /really/ worried about
<zompist> wow! and britain's empire fell because they crossed the jews.
<Leth> Waitasecond... all of his pages are .asp files, which as everyone knows, are snakes! He's the devil!
<Elkman> Hey, yeah! That's literally true!
<zompist> "hell is not the party place described in popular songs."
<Lore> Such as "Hell is a Party Place."
<Lore> And "Hell (Is a Party Place)."
<CrazyClimber> it's hard not to read this in Homer's voice: "The priest, with his magical powers, turns the wafer into the lord jesus, himself..."
<zompist> gotta love those demons.
<Lore> Is that the Sarcastic Homer Voice?
<CrazyClimber> yeah, like when he tells lisa, "Sure, bacon and ham both come from the same magical animal"
<zompist> "Aaaaaah! My leg's on fire!" <-- horrific description of the evils of hell (not a party place!)
<Lore> Boy, this kid was so hardcore he wrote "CRACK" on his wall.
<zompist> no hope for lance, though. hell forever for him! sucker!
<zompist> "Great for truckers and bikers!"
This is a job for: PREACHER MAN!
<Lore> Oh my God! Hell is a place where they don't want their loved ones to come!
<Lore> I'm repenting any moment now.
*** Lore has changed the topic on channel #spinnwebe to
"Aaaaaah! My leg's on fire!" <-- horrific description of the evils of hell (not a party plac e!)
<Leth> But they have one GREAT barbecue
<Lore> Hey, her name's Dolly!
<Lore> Dolly's sister is kind of cute. I wonder if she'd dig me.
<zompist> dolly has no sisters, heathen.
<Raven> Oh, jeez. http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0036/0036_01.asp
<zompist> jeffy doesn't really count.
<Lore> I'll thank you not to take Jeez's name in vain.
<Lore> Or the Lord thy Gaw, for that matter.
<zompist> see, this guy is evil. Haw, haw, haw!
<Lore> Low-grade condoms.
<zompist> "There will be no more raping, because I just found out that God hates sodomy!"
<Lore> I like this guy going "What?"
<Lore> He's like, "Well, there goes my weekend."
<zompist> The Bull is converted by reading another chick tract.
<Leth> "I wouldn't even read this stuff to you guys if I didn't love you. Now shut up or I'll break your legs"
<Lore> Methinks Bull has a bit to learn about Christianity.
<Raven> http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0026/0026_01.asp "There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him." Doesn't that contradict the sodomy prohibition?
*** hockeyfag (email@example.com) has joined channel #spinnwebe
<Raven> There's a summoning.
<Elkman> And Spinn said he doesn't believe in summoning.
<hockeyfag> oh no
<CrazyClimber> the lord works in mysterious ways.
<Leth> well, spinn needs to stop reading that "wrong" bible, I guess
<Elkman> <Raven> http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0026/0026_01.asp "There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him." Doesn't that contradict the sodomy prohibition?
<hockeyfag> so I entered after a sodomy reference?
<hockeyfag> that is timing
<zompist> "Baphomet... the old god of Baal worship... AND Masonry."
<zompist> "the obelisk is a masonic symbol of a male sex organ right out of baal worship... and god *hates* it."
<zompist> jealous, i guess.
<TMR> What does God think of Freud?
<CrazyClimber> any deity should be smart enough to laugh freud off.
<Lore> Oh, TMR. There's another guy with a beard that's willing to listen to your troubles. His name's Jesus, and he wants you to lie on his couch in heaven.
<TMR> "Jesus, I had a dream about my mother..." *ZAP*
<Lore> This one shows that scientists are almost as easy to convince as Muslims.
<Raven> http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0070/0070_01.asp Wow, apparently, Chick believes in Kali and thinks she kicks ASS!
<zompist> "WE DO SIR!" damn these kids love evolution!
<Lore> Pretty easy final exam, that.
<Lore> This is weird. This tract says it's never been against the law to teach the Bible in public schools, but another says that it's against the lawto even SAY "God" in school.
<TMR> I notice that all the women, blacks, asians and Jews (or is that a hippie?) believe in evolution, but the clean-cut white kid stands up for Creationism.
<zompist> jeez... i never knew a fundie could reject nuclear physics, too.
<Lore> I like the bit where it explains that Jesus is a subatomic particle.
<Lore> "We've just discovered the Jeezon."
<zompist> so, chick listens to the physicists about electricity, but not about the strong & weak forces. what the fuck?
<Lore> At least it was realistic. My biology professors were always shouting out "Do you believe in evolution!"
<Lore> Also, my Lit professors would shout out "Do you believe in Gertrude Stein?"
* zompist is pretty amused by the fact that the evolution professor has a comb-over.
<TMR> Chemistry: "Do you believe in sulfuric acid?"
<zompist> "organic evolution -- life from rocks"
<Elkman> I like the painting in the background: an ape eating a banana.
<Lore> And my feminist theory professor would shout out "Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? Cause I got something to say about it!"
<Lore> I don't believe I've ever heard the phrase "chemical evolution" outside of this tract.
<zompist> this professor dude is truly a doofus, though.
<zompist> the aryan says "you take that on faith" and he just caves.
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