The only acceptable fiction is based on the Bible! Oh, wait...er, um...
<kaufman> carder liked battlefield earth better than most critics
<Raven> that's a scary thought.
<CrazyClimber> and still not saying much.
<CrazyClimber> did he acknowledge the origins of the story, though?
<spinn> the first cap 0, apparently
<CrazyClimber> so although it's antiXian, he still thought it was an OK flick?
<spinn> "confession of murders to lawyer" as a problem?
<spinn> no, bob, cap score starts at 100 and loses points
<Leth> It leads to the deadly sin of jealousy
<spinn> "punk dress" as impudence
<LFSJoberg> "Punk dress"! Oh, dead GOD where will it end!
<spinn> obviously I haven't been paying any attention to carder
* LFSJoberg sobs uncontrollably.
<CrazyClimber> what score did he give it?
<kaufman> heh, from his Frequency review:
<LFSJoberg> Please, God, take this world NOW! I don't know how much llonger I can hold out against the depravity of punk dress!
<kaufman> Time tip number 2 comes when John warns his father about the upcoming murder of his mother and sets in motion a string of events that takes close attention. But John's mother is not dead after all. Then she was dead but now she's not!? Frank dies at least twice in this movie but is not dead!? In the end Frank saves his son's life by killing the murderer of his dead wife, who is not dead, who was trying to kill John. With each tip from John of future events.
<spinn> fiction?!!? what the hell?!?!? minus twelve!
<SeanQ> there is only One who can rise from the dead... -22
<spinn> I'm surprised he got entirely through american psycho
<Leth> The only acceptable fiction is based on the Bible! Oh, wait...er, um...
<LFSJoberg> Punk Rock Girl! What do you see!
<LFSJoberg> Punk Rock Girl! Please look at me!
<spinn> offense to god: 'two abbreviations of "Christmas" without "Christ"'
<LFSJoberg> Dinosaur flatuence.
<spinn> t herman zweibel calling:
<LFSJoberg> That's in "Flintstones," not "American Psycho."
<kaufman> sitting studiously over victim's body after murder
<spinn> ninth gate review: "Johnny Depp is not a cop nor a scissor man in this one."
<spinn> neither a constable nor impossible scissor-man
<spinn> "children today are too in danger of being exposed to dinosaur flatulence."
<spinn> oh christ.
<LFSJoberg> Michael Moore IS Fred in "The FlintMichiganStones!"
<spinn> this from the ninth gate review:
<spinn> Depp is Dean Corso, a dealer in rare books. Corso and Boris Balkan (Frank Langella) collide as Balkan with ulterior motives hires Corso to verify the authenticity of his copy of only three known volumes of "The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of the Shadows" written in 1666 by Venetian Aristide Torchia. And there lie a couple signals about this movie: the "kingdom of shadows" and 1666. Now whom amongst us can put those two signals together and come up with a conclusion?
<spinn> well no fucking kidding. those weren't signals, they were plot points
* kaufman raises his hand
<spinn> it's like carder "figured out" the hidden satanic connection
<Leth> from Gladiator: "The name "breastplate" is given definition in one of the gladiator battles."
<spinn> DUH, that's what the movie was /about/
<kaufman> I know. it means Carder's a loonyy
<spinn> and then he gives bible quotes to back up his assertion
<Leth> yeah, but they're barely relevant quotes, too, which makes it funnier
<CrazyClimber> i still haven't ever seen carder's site.
<LFSJoberg> I like how Gladiator loses points for "beheaded warriors" AND "disembodied heads."
<Raven> 2 for the price of 1!
<LFSJoberg> Where there are headless warriors, aren't there disembodied heads somewhere?
<Leth> my favorite line is still "There were tissues exposed I would not want the world to see of my daughters. "
<Leth> from Flintstones
<LFSJoberg> I think he should have thrown in "unattached necks" as well.
<kaufman> self mutilation to eradicate tattoo
<spinn> She even levitates herself off a riverfront walkway staircase and off a balcony -- and it was NOT "Mary Poppins" levitation.
<spinn> oh carder, you idiot.
<spinn> mary poppins levitation is Approved by God, I suppose.
<LFSJoberg> Incinerated THEN crucified?
<LFSJoberg> Mustnot have been very good incinerators.
<kaufman> ash wednesday
<LFSJoberg> The umbrella makes all the difference.
<Leth> a nine year old boy walking the city streets alone - Impudence & Hate
<LFSJoberg> And NOT Mary Poppins walking the streets alone.
<LFSJoberg> Hotdog heroics! Oh, the humanity!
<LFSJoberg> God did not INTEND for our hotdogs to be heroes!
<LFSJoberg> "Leave town, lest thy hot dogs become heroes." Linguisa 12:13
<kaufman> "Sissy kids." Armour 1:5
<LFSJoberg> "Thou art Peter, and on this rock shall kids climb."
<LFSJoberg> Wait, what's the last line? "Even kids in Birkenstocks"?
<LFSJoberg> Well, it's a little more subtle than that, Sean.
<LFSJoberg> Not necessarily funny, but subtle.
<kaufman> LFS: you've been listening to too much Carder
<LFSJoberg> Chicken pox! That's it. Even kids with chicken pox.
<LFSJoberg> It used to be "even kids with smallpox," but then Salk came along.
<SeanQ> now its "even kids with internet stocks"
<kaufman> even vets who neuter Socks?
<kaufman> even kids who dress like Spock!
*** kaufman is now known as Trekkie
<Trekkie> Live long and mustard
<LFSJoberg> Even kids with long dreadlocks.
<Leth> "Seems to me the CAP analysis model is working fine. Makes sense considering Who designed it." So he's claiming that God designed the Cap system?
<agt_orang> god is...
<agt_orang> no! no! I own't think it!
<kaufman> either that or that he is God
<Samwise> I'm sure that if God had a website, the graphics would be *much* better.
<kaufman> think of the midis
<jacquilyn> I just like to give you 111% so that the 90% you retain will be the 100% you need.
<agt_orang> *sob* God doesn't have broken links! and he DOESN'T LIKE CARROT TOP! *sob*
<Leth> ahhh.... he explains more in the Grizzly Falls review
<CrzyClmbr> On the seventh day, he made the text blink.
<Leth> another data point of the remarkable reliability of the CAP Entertainment Media Analysis Model.
<Leth> But what else should we expect since the model was built under His Hand. I may be the "engineer" of the model, but Jesus was the designer. Now, you have a truly reliable model which gives you so much more then "G", "PG", "PG-13", and "R."
<CrzyClmbr> It gives us misspellings.
<Leth> It gives us inconsistencies masked as objectivity
<TomFish> so God makes things that "kinda" work.
<TomFish> makes sense
<agt_orang> gimme a "w"! gimme another "w"! gimme a "J"!
<jacquilyn> I was thinking maybe he liked Neve Campbell but didn't know how to spell schwing.
<kaufman> so in scream 3, the most acceptable category was Murder/Suicide?!?!?!
<Leth> a manikin beheaded
<mdxi> how many points were lost for "constantly erect nipples"?
<jacquilyn> From the GalaxyQuest review: Also, I found it curious to learn as an actress and an actor pair proceed through the same activities and are exposed to the same forces, that the woman's clothing suffers progressively revealing damage while his clothing does not
<Leth> sex talk, some vulgar .... as opposed to good wholesome sex talk
<TomFish> he's got to post tonight for "the whole nine yards" to be a sneak preview, doens't he?
<jacquilyn> It seems that the CapAlert dude has figured out Hollywood's secret.
<TomFish> "The Devil!"
<TomFish> the secret ingrediant is evil
<Leth> and love
<TomFish> For so long movies have been given so much credit for "being like real life" that real life has become like the movies. Why not try Real Life instead?
<Leth> The dead girl bled while hanging (which is a "neat trick" -- dead people do not bleed).
<TomFish> shouldn't he take his own advice?
<agt_orang> Try RealLife free for thirty days! If you don't like it, send it back--but the sneakerphone is yours to keep!
<SeanQ> sheesh, he added "gamming" to the Sex category
<TomFish> what's gamming?
<Leth> male and female in bed together nude (nudity not seen)
<CrzyClmbr> maybe it was That Time, Leth
<kaufman> huh? These things happened in the Vietnam war, but the "soldiers" in Forrest Gump were not soldiers nor were they in Vietnam.
<SeanQ> now only movies of Jane Austin books will be acceptable
<tieboy> But if real life has become like the movies, aren't we just back with the bad words and nudity and whoring and breast bounce again?
<Leth> Then how do you know?!?!?!
<SeanQ> gamming (maximizing exposure of underside of upper leg while sitting)
<kaufman> "Jawbreaker" (R) -- candy as a murder weapon. What will movie-makers think of next. I've heard of using a banana to commit murder, but never a jawbreaker. "
<Leth> Selfness is a sweet treat to the innately sinful nature of man: selfness is a "candy" for the Self.
<TomFish> mmmmmm candy
<tieboy> Muppets from Space: The instances of sexual nature that may need your maturity for the child to properly develop included Miss Piggy gamming (sitting cross-legged intentionally in a very short skirt showing as much upper leg as possible),
<agt_orang> what's next--rods, gats, dames...
<tieboy> it's a muppet!!!!
<tieboy> It's a sock with eyes!
<Samwise> We're not even sure Muppets have sex!
<TomFish> watch the feeples
<SeanQ> transcendental meditation, holistic medicine and their practitioners were portrayed as acceptable and effective.
<SeanQ> drinking Earl Grey tea, -10 Wisdom points
<kaufman> my goodness! from the 95-rated "The King and I":
<kaufman> I still wonder, though, why in the poster for the movie one of the king's small children is blue-eyed. Anna is green-eyed and all the king's other children and he are brown-eyed?
<TomFish> i'd like to see his take on the feeples
<agt_orang> The muppets' constant cooing and exclamations over the size of the particular arm inserted in the muppethole was particularly disconcerting.
* mdxi noted that Mr. Carder has never done a Punett Square
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