"Chicken Soup for the Soul of Someone Who Can't Move Out of Mom's"
<agent_orange> anything that costs that much oughta fuck, fly, and mix drinks
<Drusilla> in that order?
<Freyja> man, I'd settle for 2 out of 3.
<spinn> huh, yeah, any two would be good
<Drusilla> i'll settle for mix drinks
<mdxi> teenagers, always with the booze.
<Freyja> you can find unemployed bartenders anywhere, dru, and they'll work for food. Now a FLYING bartender...
<agent_orange> chicks, man, always settling for less
<Drusilla> a flying bartender would be good.
<CrazyClimber> they're called "flight attendants"
<Leth> what about a flying bartender who wants to be in radio?
<CrazyClimber> oooh, we should try to steer ben into flight attendant school next
<CrazyClimber> there's an easy $15K a year
<Freyja> and there's a small chance he might die in a fiery crash! Bonus!
<spinn> drawback: he can only work flights that his mom is on
<mdxi> or be clubbed to death by an old woman tired of his incessant rambling about his mom and the Jews controlling the radio industry and whatnot
<Drusilla> I'll kill him
<CrazyClimber> maybe he can become peter buck's personal flight attendant
<Freyja> empty promises
<spinn> "wuld you like coffee, soda, or devil's pisswater for $4?"
<Drusilla> i will! i will!
<Drusilla> having a crappy week!
<CrazyClimber> "Would you like headphones? But note that none of the channels play Kittie, so I wouldn't recommend them."
<Leth> "Wait, this flight isn't going to Dallas? I need to find a different plane, s'cuse me"
<agent_orange> he'd just sulk in the galley
<agent_orange> "They're all out to GET me."
<Leth> "They keep ringing the bell, asking for "drinks". I bet it's all a scheme"
<spinn> "would you like a pillow? did you hear about layne staley?"
<Drusilla> he's going back to dallas. as soon as jorie's in school.
<Drusilla> isn't that sweet of him?
<spinn> I thought he was going to see that somewhat homely flirty girl
<Leth> well sure, he needs his nook
<spinn> is she in texas too?
<Lore> Ben rants about the Jews controlling the radio industry?
<CrazyClimber> no, the homely one's in indiana
<spinn> 'cos the one time I looked at texaschick's journal, she seemed to be pushing the "I love my bf soooooo much!!" point
<Drusilla> jorie reads her journal
<mdxi> i soak up enough lameness just hearing about it all fomr you guys
<spinn> yeah but jorie's about as dumb as a stump
<agent_orange> Indiana is the homely one, dallas is the fat homely one
<spinn> because, I dunno if he was implying that they're breaking up when she goes to college
<Drusilla> i just want to kill them all.
<spinn> dallas is at least cuter
<spinn> indiana thinks she's the bestest ever
<spinn> she basically tries to ride through with her boobs
<spinn> GOD I hate that
<agent_orange> killing jorie is like beating a truck-hit deer to death with a shovel
<mdxi> can someone make a flowchart? with boobs?
<CrazyClimber> indiana is the one who blows kisses at everyone
<spinn> and therefore ben
<agent_orange> merciful AND an enjoyable way to spen a half-hour
<Drusilla> it's shovel day, isn't it?
<spinn> "she made a :* at me! I think it's going well!!"
<Lore> You're just jealous because you have no boobs.
<spinn> you haven't looked in here recently
<CrazyClimber> "8 Kisses Blown! Let it blow!"
<Lore> And you must oh fuck it.
<mdxi> before the cream sits out too long?
<agent_orange> "Mom called and said Evans oh god it's too pathetic i can't i just can't
<CrazyClimber> damn, when agt chokes, there's no hope for any of us
<spinn> there there, pickles. shhh now. shhh.
<agent_orange> huhhh. huuuh. huuuuh.
* agent_orange shudders
<spinn> agent roland falls on his quest for the dark, dark tower
<Drusilla> ben answered me
<Leth> huh, last night hock shudders at a man-boob, and now agt.
<spinn> yeah, da hell
<spinn> my world's going all topsy-turvy
<spinn> isn't this the third time he's said this?
<spinn> okay, there's a funnier way to say this, but ben's into frickin' reruns now
<mdxi> i guess this would be a bad time to tell everyone that i'm renouncing boobs and joining a monastery in Alsace?
<Drusilla> Yes, it would.
<Drusilla> He wants you to get the point
<agent_orange> "Found an old crystal set in the Reverend's trash after our counselling session. I can have my own radio station! Rock on! Told Jorie -- she thought I said crystal *meth* and her eyes got clear for a second!"
<spinn> I mean that can't be about us can it
<Leth> and a fine job of ignoring us he's doing
<spinn> we haven't even done anything to him, have we?
<Lore> Is it just me or is he assuming that everyone who hasn't met him likes him?
<Drusilla> No, but lots. indirectly. sort of.
<Drusilla> He is assuming that
<spinn> well lots, sure
<agent_orange> so ... you should only listen to the advice of people you can impress?
<Drusilla> and I've seen the other occurences
<Drusilla> every time spinnoff's lj updates, this comes up.
<Leth> oddly enough
<spinn> oh, it updated?
<CrazyClimber> actually, this could more be a response to lots always assuming we're trolling ben
<Samwise> "Hi. I don't know you, but wanted to make it clear that I don't like you."
<agent_orange> BTW, nice pic, Wednesday. I mean Dru.
<mdxi> i'm having you all committed
<spinn> see, I sent them both that mail because I was trying to make it clear we don't lump ben in with lots
<agent_orange> *I* do
<spinn> I mean, he's dumb for his own reasons, but I don't think of them as a group anymore, anyway
<Leth> I don't. I try to keep the mockery separate
<CrazyClimber> i don't exactly, but there is a them and us thing going, too
<CrazyClimber> oh, yeah, in that sense, spinn
<spinn> well, I mean, if this is in response to ragging on lots in dru's journal, it's dumb
<spinn> oh, wait.
<spinn> no, I reread it, he could be saying this and not having it be about him
<spinn> actually this supports my hypothesis that they think everyone likes them, which is why I must be insane
<agent_orange> I think I might be unique in that I despise Ben more than I dispise Lots
<CrazyClimber> this is actually pretty nonjudgmental about the people who hate person X
<spinn> and you all follow what I say, so you only don't like them because of me
<Samwise> No, not really, agt.
<spinn> I thought that was more about lots, but I guess it's ben too
<Leth> nah, agt. Lots disgusts me, but I think I dislike Ben more
<spinn> no kidding
<CrazyClimber> yeah, same here, really
<spinn> I keep wanting to think of ben as the rational one
<agent_orange> guess I'm NOT SPECIAL AFTER ALL
<spinn> because of a free will issue?
<Leth> yeah, you conformer you
<Samwise> But you're the undisputed master of clipart.
<CrazyClimber> agt, stop stealing my ideas, asshole
<agent_orange> Lots is a freak of nature, an aberration
<agent_orange> he's also filled up with drugs and bile and dog chromosomes and god knows what else
<spinn> oh, well hell, I didn't know this was in the spinnoff lj
<agent_orange> Ben went out of his way to target me, though
<spinn> well nevermind all my figurings and whatabouts
<Leth> oh, heh
<Leth> it sounded real good though, spinn
<Leth> impressive, it was
<agent_orange> Yes, it sounded real good
<agent_orange> (psssst. don't piss him off.)
<spinn> his whole philosophy there is fascinating though, isn't it?
<spinn> most of us would probably say the near-inverse, like some people will hate you no matter what
<Leth> "There are a bunch of people who have met me and don't like me. But that's ok, many people who have never met me like me, and I'll show them all someday MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
<spinn> for him, it's that if you have the freakish bad luck to run into someone who doesn't like you, they're the only ones, so move on to the rest of your wonderful life
<CrazyClimber> in mom's basement
<tieboy> The time you enjoy inflating mattresses is not wasted time -- Bentrand Russell
<agent_orange> "If you can't win someone over, fuck 'em."
<Samwise> Couldn't have anything to do with your inherent likeability or behavior.
<CrazyClimber> "when i'm rich and famous, i'll surround myself with the yes men i choose. until then, i'll take the ones i can get."
<spinn> just those weirdos who decide they don't like you
<spinn> like the guy you talk to on the phone for two hours, and obviously he didn't call back because you didn't have sex with him
<spinn> nothing in that two hours caused him to make any sort of decision about you, other than positive, obviously, so it must be the sex
<agent_orange> thats why CmndrCuddles (whatever) and lordreiban (whatever) do indeed serve a purpose in the universe
<spinn> "huh. she was intelligent, witty, and charming. too bad she didn't put out." [rips phone number]
<agent_orange> "You the man!"
<spinn> "wow, that is so brave of you to decide to go to evansville"
<Leth> "good job on not cutting the apron strings!"
<agent_orange> the part I like is that "Some people will hate you no matter what" absolves you of all blame, AND assumes that they always hated you
<agent_orange> It was always thus
<Freyja> like it's genetics
<spinn> man, those last two sentences just blow my mind
<agent_orange> also give you license to be an asshole, come to think of it
<Leth> which I fully intend to exploit
<Samwise> Shit, we're supposed to get licenses?
<Machival> I want an asshole license!
<spinn> if some people think you are inferior, those are the only people in the world who do
<agent_orange> "...impress with what you know, what you like, and what you can do."
<agent_orange> that is pretty fuckin' heavy
<Freyja> and you should only listen to those people who like/put up with you.
<spinn> so, as every one has their perfect soulmate, everyone also has their perfect detractors
<spinn> just avoid them and the world is your oyster
<agent_orange> so ... lordreaibin, cuddles, lots, jorie ... aaaaand ... that's about it
<spinn> no, that's not it
<Samwise> predestination, only it's not about God and it's stupider.
<spinn> there are billions and billions out there
<Leth> all of them breathlessly waiting to have the Ben Experience
<spinn> you haven't evne checked urtkutsk
<Samwise> this is the kind of thinking that gets people into cults.
<agent_orange> good writers make it look so easy
<CrazyClimber> well, duh, sam, here we are
<tieboy> i listen to the people who hate me. the people who like me are probably just trying not to hurt my feelings
<agent_orange> impress people with what you like ...
<agent_orange> like ... cheap trick!
<spinn> I am impressed, so listen to me: cheap trick sucks
<agent_orange> "Wow. He likes cheap trick! you must be cool, son! Here's the keys to the station!"
<spinn> [benbrain] >fzzt< >zzt<
<agent_orange> Mood: tryin' to stay positive!
<agent_orange> and FAILING
<agent_orange> oh, boo hoo hoo
<CrazyClimber> of the 34 interests on ben's list, the only unlinked one is "jorie"
<agent_orange> Jorie is down until further notice
<Drusilla> good for her
<agent_orange> link rot
<Leth> I should post an argument about how Cheap Trick was a one-hit wonder
<CrazyClimber> even that '70s show dumped their version of the theme song
<Drusilla> but ben likes them
<Drusilla> therefore, they must be the greatest band ever.
<Freyja> whoever doesn't think so is in the minority and should be ignored
<agent_orange> make sure to mention how pantera are all daiper-wearingqueerboys
<Lore> The bartender from Cheers didn't drink, either.
<CrazyClimber> well, he drank copiously, or not at all.
<Samwise> And he got all the chicks, man!
<agent_orange> or the spooky one from the shining
<Lore> Also, from all I've been told, bartending class is not helpful in finding a bartending job.
<Lore> Although I guess that might depend on the job.
<agent_orange> maybe it's like an english degree
<agent_orange> Ben could teach other losers how to add water to scotch to make scotch-n-water!
<Drusilla> i still want to see what 60 hours of bartending class teaches you.
<CrazyClimber> teaches you you're $1K poorer and nothing else changed
<agent_orange> 30 hours involves not getting the ashtrays and the peanut bowls mixed up
<zompist> is there news on the ben front?
<CrazyClimber> he's "tryin' to stay positive"
<Lore> Extra "o" in "Looooooooooooser."
<Drusilla> he's repeating old journal posts
<Drusilla> from two weeks ago
<agent_orange> he's all philosophical and heavy
<Drusilla> two weeks. christ
<CrazyClimber> "Chicken Soup for the Soul of Someone Who Can't Move Out of Mom's"
<agent_orange> two weeks and *a thousand dollars*
<mdxi> maybe he's just maxxin' nad relaxxin', so this is Best of Ben Week
<Lore> He's paying a grand to go to bartending school?
<Drusilla> guh, like i'm not having enough creepy mental images with lots...
<Lore> Fuck ducks. He's getting screwed.
<Lore> Actually, I'm interested to see whether it works for him. All my info is based on hearsay.
<zompist> sure, in actuality, many people have achieved fulfillment through two-week courses
<Drusilla> were any of them Ben?
<Machival> meh. how the hell old is he? I mean... I wouldn't put too much faith in his abilities anymore, really...
<Drusilla> almost 26
<agent_orange> I think bartending school is up there with get-a-degree-at-home-in-electronics and draw-the-turtle schemes
<zompist> ben's comment works the other way as well... if "someone or a group of people" think your idea of staying with mom & dad forever is wise, then they're the *only* people to do so out of billions
<Machival> so, yeah. and still a bagboy. the only 26-year-olds who are still bagboys that I've ever seen all have down's.
<zompist> all have down's what? does down know this?
<agent_orange> hell, at 26, I was ... I was ... I think I was drunk
<Lore> I also want to say that "2 rockers | Let it rock!" is the lamest set of comment links I've e'er seen.
<agent_orange> Lore: I second
<CrazyClimber> is philosophy transitive?
<mdxi> when i was 26, i was sitting right here talking to you fucks
<mdxi> (i.e. "now")
<Lore> "Maybe someone missed it the last time."
<agent_orange> one of those billions
<CrazyClimber> you've seen the ad that ben's responding to, lore?
<Drusilla> just after the riffing on Lots
<Drusilla> and Leth's superb ad.
<Lore> God forbid people who don't care enough about Ben's journal to read the archives miss ONE SINGLE PLATITUDE.
<Lore> He's responding to an ad?
<Drusilla> he wants you to realize he doesn't care.
<Drusilla> so he's posting it over and over.
<mdxi> you gotta give him one thing. he rocks out.
<Drusilla> school logo should be in the left corner
<Lore> He's cut his hair.
<agent_orange> that spider-man shirt is really faded
<CrazyClimber> yeah, i told leth he should put a waist-length fringe on the guy.
<Drusilla> just assume his pony-tail is behind him
<Lore> I, not to be nitpicky, but the "true touch of a woman"/"boff chicks" thing kind of contradicts itself.
<Drusilla> he's felt false touches of transvestites
<Machival> yeah, I picked up on that, too. but I doubt ben will. he'll be too infuriated by the time he gets to that part.
<Drusilla> hence the new post
<CrazyClimber> mach's slowly catching up
<Drusilla> for certain values of new
<Lore> Oh, is this the thing that got Lots complaining that people shouldn't be able to put themselves on his friends list?
<raven> that's the journal, yeah.
<raven> he was bitching long before that particular entry.
<Lore> Whatta goob.
<Lore> For the record, I'm with Leth. I didn't have a problem with Ben until he got bitten by a radioactive asshole over the McYukkies thing.
<zompist> i *agree* with leth, but i don't know if i want to be *with* him
<Drusilla> i didn't have a problem with ben until he called me a snotty bitch.
<Lore> And since then I've felt completely righteous about ragging on him.
* raven will be near, kinda next to in a solidarity kinda way to leth.
<Lore> He does have a talent for alienation, doesn't he?
* Drusilla will be near lore and raven, in the general proximity of leth, stealing their jokes and making them less funny
<Lore> "There are people who will always hate you, but there are billions and billions who are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that you can piss off!"
* mdxi will be in the bean bag chair in the corner, where he always is
<Lore> And I didn't have much of a problem with Lots until the Ben thing sent him into levels of paranoia to rival Riff-Raff's hissyfit at the end of Rocky Horror.
<zompist> the weirdest thing about all this is i've never really understand what ben and lots got so mad about
<Lore> I think Ben wanted to get in the McYukkies girl's Underoos.
<zompist> i suppose it's just that they liked mcyukkies, but neither of them seemed able to explain the problem
<Drusilla> i blame horsehockey
<Lore> Seriously, my impression was that in the Great Spinnwebe Schism (version 3.2), Ben found himself lumped in with the "kiddies" when he thought the "adults" thought of him as one of them.
<Lore> Not to bring up old wounds.
<Lore> And, like a villian from the Spider-Man bits on Electric Company, he turned to evil in that very moment.
<Drusilla> of course.
<Lore> Lets see how many stupid media references I can work in.
<Drusilla> now do superman
<Drusilla> something about kryptonite
<Lore> YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, SON OF JOR-EL!
<me_tew> Well, get them right, at least. That was "Spidey", not "Spiderman".
<zompist> that's probably a big part of it, lore
<Lore> NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!
<zompist> he really got peeved when jessica put him at the kiddie table
<Drusilla> yeah. he's about ten years older than the rest of the kids.
<me_tew> Hm. Touche.
<mdxi> extending the spiderman metaphor, is jorie one of the villains who are so stupid they screech to a halt for Hostess Fruit Pies on the back of a 1970s THOR comic?
<zompist> jorie's not a villain
<Lore> Yeah, when I look at Ben I see someone with a history of hypocrisy.
<zompist> jorie's an artristical type, that's all
<Machival> well, yeah. I mean, if he hated making fun of people so much... why'd he stick around here for so long? he should've turned around and never came back if mockery upsetted him so much.
<Drusilla> it doesn't
<Drusilla> it's specific mockery of things he likes.
<mdxi> so she's more of the mid 90's mary jane, with the big hooters and constantly erect nipples?
<Lore> Actually, I even think it's more specific mockey of him.
<agent_orange> Dru: it's not even that
<Machival> yeah. that's what I'm saying. you can't like something conditionally. that's like, "oh, I like racism, but only if it's against the blacks."
<Drusilla> bad example.
<Lore> I think if the "adults" had included him, he'd be happy to join in on the Lots-bashing.
<agent_orange> he was miffed already, and when he realized me were riffing on someone he knew, he used that as a weapon
<Machival> yeah, he'd been pissed for quite some time.
<agent_orange> he doesn't really give a fuck about the mcyukkies chick
<mdxi> he's a cockknocker. QED.
<zompist> mach: pissed at what?
<Machival> apparently since quite a while before the whole in-channel argument thing.
<Machival> I have no idea. it had a lot to do with the "Kiddie table" concept, though.
<Samwise> agt: because he knows he'll never bone her. Texas girl, on the other hand....
<Lore> To be honest, I don't blame him for being pissed at being dissed. I do blame him, however, for taking this stupid hypocritical stance against "people who make fun of other people" as a result.
<zompist> the kiddie table stuff was mostly jessica-- who's been out of the channel for a couple years
<CrazyClimber> think it got mentioned in a.f.s once in a while, too
<Machival> yeah, but he brought it up a lot, it seemed, after that whole in-channel argument.
<Drusilla> a lot. too much.
<Lore> What was his big diatribe against the channel? "If they don't like someone's humor they make fun of it or, uh, ignore it."
<CrazyClimber> "put me at the kiddie table, will they? well, i'll just show them, once mom leaves and i've got the computer to myself!"
<Lore> "Like they have a right to comment on other people's work. Which, I guess, they do."
<zompist> well, since he first came on, he never dealt well with riffing about him.
<Machival> I've been confused... was there, like, an actual "kiddie table" at a GTG or something, or is it just a metaphor type of thing?
<zompist> metaphor, mach
<Lore> He couldn't even come up with a coherent motivation when preaching to a sympathetic audience.
<Machival> ahh. s'what I figured, but the way he was going on about it, I wasn't really sure.
<mdxi> none of the kiddies were at that GTG
<Drusilla> i shudder to think if everyone who came here had his attitude about being riffed on.
<Drusilla> me, for example.
<agent_orange> I have to assume you no good lousy dog fuckers talk about me when I'm not here
<Lore> We call you a snotty bitch.
<CrazyClimber> did someone just say something?
<agent_orange> I can't say i lose a lot of sleep over it
<Drusilla> i don't have to assume. i see it in the logs.
<Drusilla> then i laugh, and go do something else.
* agent_orange crosses his legs
<Machival> eh, nobody ever makes fun of you as a person, dru... they just make some jokes about your massive boobies.
* mdxi takes a drink
<Lore> Actually, we're more likely to make jokes about SOME PEOPLE'S preoccupation with same.
<Lore> I dunno, though. I mean, there's a sense of humor, and there's knowing when you're not wanted.
<Drusilla> some people who will remain nameless and live in michigan?
<zompist> mach: so you can relive the moment-- http://groups.google.com/groups?q=kiddie+group:alt.fan.spinnwebe&hl=en&selm=Pine.LNX.4.21.0006021322180.28506-100000%40highhopes.madhack.com&rnum=1
<Machival> :P you know I'm joking. well, most of the time.
<Lore> If you folk started talking about me the way you talked about Kemlo, I'd hope I'd have the dignity to find somewhere else to hang out.
<mdxi> i've had massive-er
<Lore> But I also would hope that I wouldn't pretend to be Lots' bestest buddy-boy in retaliation.
<Drusilla> i do too.
<mdxi> are we talking about Dodge now?
<agent_orange> no, Lore
<agent_orange> that fuck
<Lore> Or to start going off on diatribes about how awful--AWFUL--it is that some people make fun of mediocre Web sites boo hoo hoo.
<Drusilla> web sites that are in fact mockeries of other things
<Freyja> "How dare they make fun of something I sorta care about/associate with/identify to?!?"
<zompist> yah, that's always been the leap of logic that eludes me
<Lore> Yeah, that just adds irony to idiocy.
<zompist> oh well. enough on ben! i like waffles.
<Drusilla> mmm, waffles
<Samwise> Yeah, waffles rock.
<Lore> I imagine that if the McYukkies people started bagging on him, his next step would have been to alert McDonald's.
<me_tew> Lore: Waffles.
<Drusilla> mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, danish
<mdxi> praise be to he who gave us waffles so that we might end interminable convos
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