"You will come to Mistress Sylvia's Honda Sales, Route 114. You will be wearing a ball gag. You will buy the Camry, fully loaded."


<rJak> Saw an annoying billboard the other day. Had five people photograph with their pants down.
<rJak> the sign said "We beat the PANTS off the competition".
<agt_orang> oh, christ, really, rJak?
<rJak> Seriously. It's three minutes away from my house.
<agt_orang> they should follow up with a little grey alien and "Our prices are Out of This World!"
<rJak> I was thinking about hiring a guy to put a board in front of The PANTS.
<TomFish> and then an e-tail ad "shop naked"
<TheEnigma> "We beat our competitors," then a guy's feet with pants around his ankles, then the word "off."
<rJak> I could imagine the planning session. "Hey, let's put up a billboard with guys with pants around their ankles so we can sell more Dodges!"
<TheEnigma> I wonder how often a competitor comes down to their place and says "hello there. I've come about your advertisement, big boy."
<agt_orang> "We Fuck Our Competition. In The Ass. Wilbur's Hyundai, 4456 Pansy Blossom road."
<rJak> "If we can't match your offer, our sales staff will fellate you."
<TheEnigma> "We give our competition blowjobs for a nickel. We also do gang bangs. Jefferson Toyota, 1920 Beltline/
<agt_orang> "We'll do Anything to be your car dealer. ANYthing."
<agt_orang> Courtesy Chevrolet: We Swallow.
<kaufman> do those billboards have celery?
<rJak> Screw the thousand dollar cash back. I want someone to lay me!
<TheEnigma> "Want to fuck our daughters? No problem! Buy a Saturn today and FUCK OUR DAUGHTERS! See your local Saturn dealer today."
<rJak> "Free hooker with each Dodge Intrepid!"
<rJak> "Get the options package and we'll add two more hookers in leather!"
<agt_orang> lease this new ford ranger for only 299 down 299 a month and you can PISS IN MY MOUTH! C'mon down!
<kaufman> "Oh no, for a subcompact you just get a very worn 1986 copy of Hustler."
<TheEnigma> "We'll eat your shit if you buy a new Toyota."
<rJak> "Are we insane? HELL YES! We'll come over to your house and lick you clean!"
<kaufman> "Now through Saturday, we'll throw in a Nori."
<TheEnigma> "George's Body Shop - get a rimjob for your car, give our cashier a rimjob for no additional cost."
<CrzyClmbr> "You will come to Mistress Sylvia's Honda Sales, Route 114. You will be wearing a ball gag. You will buy the Camry, fully loaded."
<agt_orang> It's Mitsu-BEACHi days here at hampton mitsubishi, and we've got ikinied hookers all over the lot! free baloons for the kids!
<TheEnigma> "Steve's Saturn - Um...we don't have any sexual deals. Just cars. Want to buy a car?"
<TomFish> "Get off the shed and into the Honda Barn! With deals like this, you'd think our hands were made of wood!"
<agt_orang> Smith Volvo. buy a volvo and get five minutes of vanilla, missionary position sexual intercourse. We'll let you wash up afterwards.
<TheEnigma> "Doug hasn't been the same since the lobotomy. That's why all 1995 model Fords are fifteen dollars today."
<rJak> We'll blow your cat! We'll blow your fish! ANYTHING for you to buy a new Honda!
<TomFish> "We'll pay YOU! Just get these fucking Yugos off our lot!"
<rJak> "Just buy our cars and we'll never let that obnoxious announcer do our commercials again!"
<TomFish> "Buy an SUV. Fuck the tree-hugging liberals!"
<zompist> hey, don't talk about enigma that way!
<rJak> "Buy TWO cars, and we'll let you beat the shit out of the announcer!"
<TomFish> hug the tree-fucking liberals?
<kaufman> Soylent Mitsubishi /is/ Announcer
<TomFish> "Let our salespeople annoy the shit out of you _then_ rip you off!"
<CrzyClmbr> "Our salespeople will adopt you, then punish you for the rest of your lives!"
<TomFish> liberate the tree-hugging fuckers?
<TheEnigma> Oh, forget it.
<rJak> "$12,500, 500 dollars a month, or two hours with Helga."
<rJak> Geez, don't blow an artery, Enie.
<TheEnigma> Great. Now you accuse me of fellating blood vessels.
<rJak> Buy this car or we KEEP the boy!
<kaufman> Buy the car; eat the boy
<agt_orang> "Ow! ow! my ass hurts!" "Well, I'll go talk to the boss, try to make him see it your way..."
<CrzyClmbr> Buy this car or we put the damn kid on eBay!
<Samwise> I'm waiting for someone to put their immortal soul on ebay.
<zompist> high bid: the devil, $2.75.
<Samwise> Just so we can get an idea of the going rate.
<CrzyClmbr> which, being twice the reserve price, was accepted.
<zompist> what would you do with another immortal soul?
<Samwise> I dunno. It'd probably be in terrible condition anyway.
<TheEnigma> I've seen people auctioning off their souls
<kaufman> zomp: use it to sell more cars?
<rJak> Keep it around the house in case of an emergency?
<zompist> that's about it, i think.
<agt_orang> find some way to exploit it for material gain?
<zompist> maybe your own soul would last twice as long if you used the other one.
<CrzyClmbr> well, being an atheist, i'd probably just tuck it away and forget it was ever there.
<agt_orang> rotate your souls.
<Samwise> Every 3,000 sins.
<zompist> what do you store a soul in?
<rJak> I use a mason jar.
<zompist> should your purchase a nervous system too?
<agt_orang> I could use a spare limbic system
<TheEnigma> I could use a spare respiratory system, and a kidney, too.
<TheEnigma> Maybe a half a dozen lymph nodes.
<zompist> how about an extra penis or two?
<kaufman> www.KolonzRUs.com
<TheEnigma> Reminds me of a song.....
<kaufman> you could get a whole Archipelago of Langerhans
<agt_orang> I definitely do _Not_ need any more penises.
<zompist> having trouble with the ones you've got?
<TheEnigma> What, are you getting tired of the row of penises you have sewn into your back?
<kaufman> * agt_orang is now known as smeggasaurus
<agt_orang> It's like buying motor oil--I keep forgetting I have a half dozen, and I end up with more than i can ever use
<agt_orang> If I had extra penises. they'd just spoil.
<agt_orang> Then I'd have to make penis bread.
<rJak> Wait, did I just miss something here?
<kaufman> I'm on a diet; could I have mine circumcized?
<CrzyClmbr> your penis has yeast?
<zompist> it'd be a bummer to have 6 penises and meet a girl with 7 vaginas.
<TheEnigma> Man, it'd be a bummer to meet a girl with seven vaginas....
<TheEnigma> Just in general.
<agt_orang> "Wait! there's an APM machine down the stret..."
<kaufman> As I was going to Santa Ina's ...
<TheEnigma> Each of them had seven.....
<agt_orang> Does my penis have yeast, indeed. Although now, I can't get the phrase "uncircumcised bread" out of my head...
<rJak> OKAY, you're starting to confuse me.
<CrzyClmbr> starting?
<agt_orang> hey--this acid is four-way! damn.
<zompist> ripper, is this a conversation you *want* to understand...?
<kaufman> get a vasectomy ... make seedless rye
<rJak> Sorry. It's just that every time I go away from the keyboard to get food, you start talking about penises.
<agt_orang> we wait till you leave.
* agt_orang is surprised kaufman hasn't made the dill dough joke yet.
<kaufman> agt: indeed, I must be sleeping
<TomFish> yes
<TomFish> penis
<TomFish> you missed the penis
<agt_orang> he was just here
<CrzyClmbr> look at it from our perspective, jak. every time we talk about penises, you go find some food.
<agt_orang> but he left
<CrzyClmbr> what does that say about /you/?
<agt_orang> it's pavlovian(tm)!
<rJak> No, I'm still here.
<CrzyClmbr> rJak drools when we talk about penises?
* rJak hits Bob
<zompist> drooling is one thing-- getting out the condiments is another.
<CrzyClmbr> I asked Jeeves "Why do I keep hearing voices?" and he steered me to www.crackhore.com [sic].
<CrzyClmbr> but it's protected -- I got a 403, no permission to view it.
<zompist> bob, that's jeeves' way of telling you to get help.
<CrzyClmbr> well, actually, there wasn't a single helpful link in the batch.
<CrzyClmbr> i think i'm going to add the question with some useful links.
<CrzyClmbr> but i still want to see what's at crackhore.
<zompist> bad spellers selling crackers?
<rJak> Talking to Jeeves now.
<agt_orang> ask him where a guy can get some pussy around here.
<CrzyClmbr> probably girl scouts.
<CrzyClmbr> mm, nice bit of juxtaposition from that lag.

Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com
I want to submit a log!