The Story So Far : Let Me Entertain You (Episodes 85-97 5/17/01)

[Preparation] [Suicide Squid] [What's his mime type?] [Why orcs avoid living here] [Why-a no chicken?] [To catch a thief] [Rock and Troll] [How To Be Rutabagan] [Gargoyles Just Want to Have Fun] [Let Me Entertain You] [The Arm-bone's Connected to the Sword-Bone] [Space Opera Quest!] [Is Mary Sue too damn perky or what?] [Beware of bears bearing wares]

[ Adry and Surley split off from the group. ]

<Adry> I wanna get John Flansburgh's autograph
<zompist> heh.
<Adry> what should I be doing?
<zompist> ok, it's pretty messy back here too. a bunch of people are here, most of them fighting to get further in.
<zompist> except for those who are struggling to leave.
<Adry> Oh my!
<zompist> the half-naked red guy passes right near you23
* Adry reaches out and latches onto him in a death-hug
<Adry> "Honey, THERE YOU ARE!"
<Surley> can we try to grab the half-naked red guy, and make him unconcious
<Adry> "The Kids and I were worried!"
<Adry> that causes the others int he room to stop in their tracks, right?
* Surley tries to dire-flail whip (like pistol whip) the band member while he's preoccupied
<zompist> esto puts his hand on adry's head. "nice try, love, but the better half'd be on the warpath."
<Adry> "Oh, you're so dashing a BRITISH!"
* Adry swoons into esto's arms
<Adry> (Now, SUrley!")
<zompist> unfortunately adry is in between surley and esto
* Surley uses all his fighter dwarf strength to try and knock the guy out
<zompist> uh... did you scope on that last statement? :)
* Surley first tries to go around
<Surley> (I hit enter right after your sentance came up)
<Surley> If that fails, I drop and go for his legs
<zompist> esto shoves adry in surley's direction. "so sorry, chaps, got to run. literally." and he does.
<Adry> he's cooler than JF!
* Adry tries to follow.
<Adry> maybehe'll want a drawing!
<Surley> ditto for surley on that following thing, hey pretty lady
<Adry> Sorry, Surley. I get carried away.
<Adry> Hm, carried away...
* Adry picks surley up and lifts him above the crowd
<zompist> from this vantage point, surley notices some people filing down some stairs
<Surley> "Adry, toss me at those peoples what are filing down some stairs"
* Adry gives Surley a cute little hurl towards the stairs.
<Adry> *oof*
<Adry> hurling is something I excel at
<zompist> ok, surley, you manage to land amid the filers.
<Surley> is it the band, cause if it is...
<zompist> you file down with them into a cellar, where they're hurriedly packing up bags and getting on horses and stuff like that.
<zompist> you recognize one guy who was onstage; the others look unfamiliar.
* Adry finally makes her way into the cellar
<Surley> "Hey, arn't you Elrei?"
<Surley> "Can I get your autographs?"
* Surley tries to get close enough to knock somebody out
<zompist> ooh, looks like fatandor, the bass player. wanna attack?
<Adry> YES
<Surley> sure
<Surley> pile on the fatador!
<Adry> do I have my exacto?
* Adry has her exacto
<zompist> mmm. sorry, it's lodged in a half-orc.
<Adry> Aw
<Adry> the pantsles shalf-orc?
* Surley hands over one of the orcen swords he picked up long ago to Adry
* Adry kicks fatador in the naughty-bits, seeing as she can't handle a sword
<Surley> and tosses the rest like daggers with his massive dwarven strength
<zompist> fatandor squeals like a schoolgirl
* Adry slaps fatador on the back of the head with her books
<Adry> sketchbooks
<zompist> "fuck it all," he mutters, and then screams "hee-e-e-e-lp here!"
* Surley tries to whack fatador in the head
* Adry grabs fatador by the hair and digs out surley's vial
<Adry> DON'T COME ANY CLOSER
<Adry> THIS IS A DEADLY POISON
* Adry waves it around
* Surley grabs his pickaxe and aims it at fatador's groin.
<Surley> "AND THIS IS DEADLY SHARP"
<zompist> "point well taken, if you'll excuse the pun," says fatandor.
<zompist> "very well indeed," says a deep bass voice behind you.
<Adry> Ok, we're dead.
* Adry kicks first and asks later
<Surley> we turn around as see..
<Adry> groin kicks seem to be working well for me
<Adry> willt he deep bass voice need a drawing?
<Surley> you need to pick up a pair of steel toed boots when we're in town next
<zompist> a rather burly elf, or perhaps it's a rather scrawny human, is drawing a crossbow at you
<Adry> I need to survive so I can pick up my pencil
<zompist> "that's our bass there, son, why'ncha let him go?"
* Adry holds the vial over fatadors head. "I swear he'll get it"
<Surley> You can shoot me, and you'll probably get your bass, but he'll be singing castano from now on
<Adry> uhm. it's my bedtime...
<Adry> enforced bedtime
<Surley> you live with the bed police?
* Adry passes out from the excitement and scrotum-kicking
<Surley> um.. great
* Surley looks around nervously
<zompist> "this would be a good time to drop the pickaxe," suggests the elf.
<Surley> "And then what would happen?"
<zompist> "much less arrow-through-heart-piercing, for one."
<Surley> "That would be advantagious."
<zompist> btw, as you're talking, you see the rest of the band come through, get on their horses, and skedaddle through a dark underground passageway
<Surley> "And a logical move"
<Surley> (any way I can read my new scroll?)
<zompist> mmm, it's hard to do under the circumstances.
<Surley> damn..
* Surley lowers the pickaxe, but still holds it ready.. to deflect any doublecrossing arrows
<zompist> you see a big, big guy with a long, long sword lumbering down the stairs.
<zompist> "oh fuck," says the newcomer. "more interlopers?"
<zompist> "yah, boss," says the elf.
* Surley tries to make a run for it - and attempts to read the scroll on the run
<zompist> fatandor takes the opportunity to get the hell away
<zompist> surely, where are you running? up the stairs or down the passageway are about the only options
<Surley> any chance of me getting around the big guy?
<zompist> they're basically making it easy for you to do so
<Surley> ahh, then up the stairs
<zompist> they're wary, but their goal is obviously to leave, themselves
<zompist> ok, you dash upstairs
<zompist> the halls are almost empty now
* Surley tries to find the rest of the group
<zompist> hold on a minute, trying to get you together
<zompist> oh heck, dm intervention. :)

[ Meanwhile, CapAlert and BlackDeath try the back door. ]

* BlackDeath flies out of the inn and comes in through a back entrance (breaks a window, whatever) to sneak backstage.
<Surley> thinking that the band would probably need to go backstage after the riot
* Ntilde sneaks backstage too
<zompist> the stage is mobbed by now... you can't see the band anymore.
* CapAlert tries to get outside via the front door, so as to get around back
* BlackDeath is outside, seeing if she can break into the back.
<zompist> cap manages to get outside. the air manages to clear his head a little.
* Ntilde sneaks out of the backstage and goes outside with CapAlert
<CapAlert> dammit, I'm sobering up
* CapAlert flies into a berserker rage
* BlackDeath passes cap a flask as she jimmies a window.
<CapAlert> ahhhh
<CapAlert> whew
* CapAlert decides "FUCK JIMMYING" and smashes a window with his mace
<zompist> cap forces open a window, finds himself face to stomach with a large, large bald man carrying a long, long sword
<CapAlert> Oh, HI!
<CapAlert> Hey, this is not my house
<CapAlert> what the fuck...someone stole my house
* BlackDeath backs up cap with a poke to the guy's gut.
<zompist> the guy deals you a blow that makes you damn glad you started out with 17 hit points
* CapAlert spills his drink
<CapAlert> grrrr
<BlackDeath> "OOOF!"
<CapAlert> no
<CapAlert> one
<CapAlert> spills
<CapAlert> my
<CapAlert> ale
* CapAlert screams and swings the mace
<zompist> the guy holds his sword about an inch from your sternum
* CapAlert reconsiders
<zompist> deflecting the mace with a casual flick of the wrist
<Ntilde> CapAlert: Want help?
<zompist> "there's a first time for anything, man," he says.
<CapAlert> Look, all I want is to get an autograph for my kid.
<CapAlert> Is that too much to ask?
<CapAlert> here, I'll give you the wizard there as collateral
* BlackDeath holds out a bloody talonful of paper and a pen.
<BlackDeath> "Pleeeeeez?"
<zompist> "whose autograph you want? mine, maybe?"
<BlackDeath> "After kicking my ass, sure."
<CapAlert> nah, that goth chick. My kid's got a THING for her
<BlackDeath> "Right there, under the rock creature's, if you could?"
<zompist> "heh, yeah, most THINGS what ain't hoo-hoo like loncai, don't they?"
<zompist> the guy summons an underling.
<CapAlert> hehe, yeah. You know it. Hey, did you get that sword at Nick's? That's some nice workmanship. Can I take a look? That's one nice pommel
<zompist> "here, boy. see if loncai's in a really, really, really good mood, so as to sign this dwarf's book here."
<zompist> the boy runs off
<CapAlert> cool, thanks mang
* BlackDeath waves her autograph book feebly, too.
<zompist> "you got a thing for loncai too, bird?"
<zompist> "can't tell if you're male or female from here, and man, i ain't gonna check."
* BlackDeath tries to look butch.
<CapAlert> does it matter? really?
<CapAlert> I mean, we're all open-minded here
* Ntilde sits and decides not to ask for an autograph because musicians hate that sort of thing
* CapAlert fervently hopes the other backstage folks are doing a little better
<zompist> "poly-sexuality," sneers the guy. "damn it all, this gig pays better than regular old burglary, but i sure can't stand all the hoo-hoos."
<CapAlert> oh, you're hitting a slow time in burglary too? Man, times are tough. My religion con isn't doing well lately either
<CapAlert> usually a couple of shill miracles, and you're rolling in donations
<BlackDeath> "Yeah, have you seen what they're charging for crossbows lately?"
<zompist> "religion," muses the guy. "now that's a good scam, if you can get it. we should figure out how to put that in the act."
<CapAlert> oh, hell, I can help you out with that. It's pretty easy really
<CapAlert> you already are halfway there. What do you use, gas on the crowd to lull them?
<CapAlert> that's always a good starty
<zompist> "nah, it's a magic-- oh man, i can't really tell you what it is, 'cos i'm head of security and not a total shithead."
<zompist> "also 'cos i don't really know."
<CapAlert> tell ya what, first chance we get, I'll give you guys a quick lowdown on how to do it. Only catch is not to do it in my hometown
<zompist> "but it's a beaut, eh?"
<CapAlert> oh, yeah. I'm impressed
<BlackDeath> It certainly was dazzling.
<CapAlert> I used to use the gas, myself, but it's really expensive
<zompist> "yeah, this is about the best gig i've been in. we're rolling it in, and so long as we keep the innkeepers happy, no one can touch us."
<BlackDeath> And the lighting seem to help, too, Cap.
<CapAlert> oh, yeah, sure. Use the strobes for disorientation
<BlackDeath> I couldn't get a good look at the lamps, though. Are they standard stage lights with mods or something totally new?
<CapAlert> oh, I'd guess they're part of that magic thing, right bud?
* CapAlert gets all chummy with the sword-guy
<zompist> "oh, standard magic lanterns, really. it's the disorientation that gets you."
<CapAlert> yeah, see? that's what I was telling ya
<CapAlert> We gotta get that in the "temple" act
* BlackDeath warms up the the conversation. "See, that fascinates me, the cumulative effect. Subtleties that create a powerful gestalt.
<zompist> "heh. good fuckin' luck, and i mean that in the best way. there ain't too many items left from the collection of hurtlefark the malingering."
* BlackDeath looks disappointed.
<CapAlert> oh, yeah, I figure it's expensive, but gotta spend a lil to make the dough, huh?
<CapAlert> But I don't need to tell YOU that. You know the drill
<CapAlert> Hey, any word on that autograph?
<zompist> d'oh!
<CapAlert> I don't mean to be a dick, but I wanna get that back to my kid tomorrow
* BlackDeath shakes the blood off her book and looks hopeful.
<zompist> "listen, i got more windows to prowl behind. but look me up sometime and we'll talk about that religion thing."
<zompist> he hands you a card.
<CapAlert> Cool deal.
* CapAlert pockets the card
<Ntilde> Hey, I'm thinking about starting a band. Know where I can get some good guitar lessons?
<CapAlert> Hey, I like the way you do the prowl thing too. Maybe you subcontract?
<zompist> "now back out nicely so i don't have to do any chopping, 'cos that would really cut a good friendship in the bud."
<BlackDeath> "Thanks for the shop talk!"
<CapAlert> Yeah, we'll talk soon!
* CapAlert saunters out the window
* Ntilde backs away slowly as well
<zompist> the boy comes back, hands you out your book through the window
<zompist> "loncai told me to fuck off till i grew some balls," he informs you.
<CapAlert> Hey, thanks for trying
<zompist> "but i got esto's autograph."
<CapAlert> oh, cool
<zompist> "gimme a gold piece, huh?"
<CapAlert> hey, tell her she kicked ass tonight, and I look forward to meeting here agian
<CapAlert> sure
* CapAlert gives the kid 5
<CapAlert> go get yourself a nad toupee
<zompist> "chee, thanks!"
<zompist> he disappears, and you see that the big guy is gone, too.
<spinn> damn, five gold pieces
<CapAlert> they were Kemlo's
<spinn> ah.
* CapAlert hopes that this works out to be almost a good breakpoint
* BlackDeath does, too.
<Ntilde> So what's been going on in the back room?
<spinn> AND THEN THE BIGGEST FUCKING DRAGON YOU'VE EVER eh let's save that for next week.
<zompist> yeah, just wrapping up backstage. :)
<Ntilde> Were they fighting or anything?
<zompist> btw, you notice that no one is guarding the window any more
* CapAlert sends someone who hasn't been thumped lately into the window
* BlackDeath sticks her head in and looks around.
<Ntilde> I'll check out the window.
<Ntilde> Oh, wait, there isn't enough room, is there?
<zompist> it's not crowded anymore
* BlackDeath slides into the room.
* BlackDeath stays low.
<Surley> "Anyone there?"

[ And everyone joins back up again. ]

<zompist> you just see a few drunken bar patrons
<zompist> but outside in the hall, you find surley
<zompist> and, a few minutes later, adry comes stumbling up the stairs from the cellar
* BlackDeath motions to cap and greets Surley. "Find anything out, you guys?
<Surley> "BlackDeath, how are ya? Are you up for a recon fligh?"
* CapAlert heads through the window
<CapAlert> carefully
<BlackDeath> "Sure, Surley."
* Ntilde climbs through the window with everyone else
<Ntilde> Did you guys have fun fighting back there?
<Surley> "The band got out into an escape tunnel over there. Can you see if you can find out where it leads and perhaps locate where they are going to?"
<zompist> as you're wandering, you find xengar. "fuckers stole my money purse," he tells you.
* CapAlert sets himself on autopilot
<CapAlert> Rave's got the wheel
<zompist> you all instinctively check your belongings; elk notices that his scroll is missing.
* BlackDeath slips into the tunnel quietly, with no light to give away her position.
<Surley> Well, it was fun until Adry fainted and this big huge sword guy came down and an elf held a crossbow aimed at my heart"
<zompist> you might be eaten by a grue!
<Ntilde> My scroll? Fuck! Where'd that go?
<Surley> Xengar, yea, they'll do that
<zompist> "what really pisses me off is, it's my own old mates," xengar says, disgustedly.
* BlackDeath is proceeding down thetunnel cautiously, avoiding any sign of people.
<zompist> the tunnel ends in a cul-de-sac
<Surley> "Damn it.. I should have used Fatador as a shield.." Surley grumbles to himself
<zompist> are you all still wandering around backstage, or back in the inn?
* BlackDeath returns, informing the others.
<Surley> we are backstage, waiting for BlackDeath to return
<Ntilde> I'm back in the inn.
<BlackDeath> "Someone shoukd go check for secret doors and traps and whatnot.
<Ntilde> Wait, I thought those guys emerged from backstage.
* Surley looks around backstage to see if he can find anything useful
<zompist> adry suggests that you use the doodads
* Surley and adry (who woke up) use the doodads
<zompist> ok... you all go back into the cellar, find the tunnel.
<zompist> you find the cul-de-sac; now that there's light, you can see that there's a door in the ceiling, with an iron chain hanging down from it.
<spinn> I say you ignore it and go for sandwiches
* Surley cautiouly (in case it's a trap) steps off to one side and pulls the chain
* Surley also eats a sandwich
<Surley> (I'll do both, just to be on the safe side)
<zompist> you need some help, but you pull it down. the door opens, and a ladder rattles down and hits you on th ehead.
<zompist> (the ladder is attached to the door, so it doesn't get lost.)
<Surley> ow
<Ntilde> Is there insulation falling down from the attic?
<zompist> no, just some bits of straw
* Surley climbs up
<Surley> "stupid ladder trap"
<zompist> wait a sec, i'm on drugs.
<zompist> did i say "ladder"? i meant that the whole door swings down, forming a nice heavy ramp.
<Surley> I mean "stupid ramp trap"
* zompist just remembered that a few head of horse escaped this way
<Ntilde> Are we in a stable?
<Surley> yea, only talented horsies can climb ladders
<zompist> you find yourself in a big barnlike structure.
<spinn> I mean "gelatinous cube"
<Surley> Is it a barn?
<Surley> a gelatinous barn?
* BlackDeath perches on Cap's hat and takes a look around.
<zompist> well, you do find yourself stepping in something gelatinous
<BlackDeath> * Cap swears a blue streak.
<zompist> it looks like an auxiliary storage shed for the inn.
* Ntilde looks for Cecilweed
<zompist> plenty of sausages, garlic, and casks of ale here
<BlackDeath> Any windows?
<zompist> two shuttered windows and two doors, one big, one small
* BlackDeath slips a few sausages in her pack and refills her and Cap's flasks.
* BlackDeath cracks a window and peeks out.
<Ntilde> Uh, I wouldn't be so sure that those are sausages.
<zompist> looks like a back street of vyat
<Surley> "Well Black, how's your night vision? Cause maybe if you can fly out of here and high enough, you might be able to spot the band.. or at least their direction. We'll save you a sausage and stuff?"
* Ntilde grabs some cloves of garlic and a bit of ale, no more than he can carry
* BlackDeath slips out the window and darts as high as she can, just in case anyone is guarding the place.
<zompist> the street is empty, except for an old drunk guy sitting in a doorway.
<zompist> "fuckers," he's muttering to himself.
* BlackDeath perches on a windowsill. "S'cuse me there, can I top off your paper-covered wine bottle?"
<zompist> the guy holds up his bottle expectantly
<zompist> "birds offering me wine," he says to himself. "i've had worse d.t's."
* BlackDeath empties most of a flask of ale into it. "Mazel tov." She raises her flask and takes a companionable sip.
<zompist> "mozzle... yeah. fuckers."
<zompist> "not you. i mean the fuckers."
<zompist> "it's no way to treat your fans, thass what i say."
<BlackDeath> "Fans?"
<zompist> "fans a elrei. yeah. come to a concert an lose your purse, is that a good night? i say no. fuckers."
<BlackDeath> "Fuckers!"
<zompist> "i'll drink to that."
<zompist> which he does
<Surley> "Well, we can settle down here for the night, and perhaps search backstage to see if the band left any clues about where they might play next."
<BlackDeath> "Have you seen the band tonight, out here?"
<BlackDeath> "We heard they snuck out the back without even finishing the set! Fuckers!:
* BlackDeath drinks to that.
<zompist> "i saw th' fuckers *inside* an left to relieve a little indigestion caused by a little drinkin."
<Ntilde> How was the mosh pit?
<zompist> "buncha folks just burst outta that place you came from few minutes ago, ridin' like... like..."
<Ntilde> Harleys?
<zompist> "i can't think of a good simile," he complains. "ridin' really fast."
<Ntilde> Which way did they go?
<zompist> "y'know, i felt all fucked up in my head when they came by. still can't rightly say if it wasn't another 'lucination, like the ones you folks are so kindly providin'."
<zompist> "but dammit, they can't treat their fans like this. robbin' decent fans. fights all the time in the crowd. horses. 'lucinations. someone should do summin' about it."
<BlackDeath> "We're trying to find them for just that purpose."
<Ntilde> Yeah! Rock concerts should be civilized!
<BlackDeath> "Because that's just not right, treating fans like that....fuckers..."
<zompist> "hear hear! give 'em hell for me. fuckers."
* BlackDeath is really pretty sloshed by this time of night.
<zompist> companionably, he vomits, then falls asleep.
<BlackDeath> "Crap."
* BlackDeath checks the horse tracks.
<zompist> xengar, who's a thief after all, rifles through his pockets.
<zompist> he finds a pamphlet, "ELREI WINTER TOUR 3480."
* Ntilde covers the guy up so he won't freeze overnight
<BlackDeath> Good time to return to the inn and regroup?
<zompist> ok, enough fun. :)

[Preparation] [Suicide Squid] [What's his mime type?] [Why orcs avoid living here] [Why-a no chicken?] [To catch a thief] [Rock and Troll] [How To Be Rutabagan] [Gargoyles Just Want to Have Fun] [Let Me Entertain You] [The Arm-bone's Connected to the Sword-Bone] [Space Opera Quest!] [Is Mary Sue too damn perky or what?] [Beware of bears bearing wares]