The Story So Far : How To Be Rutabagan (Episodes 66-74, 4/12/01)

[Preparation] [Suicide Squid] [What's his mime type?] [Why orcs avoid living here] [Why-a no chicken?] [To catch a thief] [Rock and Troll] [How To Be Rutabagan] [Gargoyles Just Want to Have Fun] [Let Me Entertain You] [The Arm-bone's Connected to the Sword-Bone] [Space Opera Quest!] [Is Mary Sue too damn perky or what?] [Beware of bears bearing wares]

<zompist> ok, first thing you should decide is if you're off to see the wizard, or want to detour to erruk, or just go straight after the band, or what the fuck.
<LeBaron> can I be a 2nd level quipper?
<Lots42> attack innocent villagers!
<BlackDeath> isn't Lots comatose?
<Pontiac> Let's go straight after the band.
<Leth> that's a bit out of character for you, spinn
<Gayo> It's too damn hot.
<LeBaron> I want to have a Sneer of Condescension + 2
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> pillage THEN burn, dammit. Pillage FIRST.
<zompist> shawn, i forget your character class
<Kyol> I'll be, like, following y'all and popping up at the most inopportune times.
<Kyol> Unless if Morwen killed me.
<Dwayne> cleric
<CapAlert> another cleric, eh?
<Dwayne> i thought yuou NEEDED clerics!@!@#!$
<CapAlert> yeah, just being territorial
<Pontiac> Heretics! Heretics!
<Surley> Flippy was in a coma.. then he might have died and we tossed his body to a troll, but he didn't like it..
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> something like that
<zompist> all the zombie characters fall into holes and die. damn!
* Pontiac applauds.
<Surley> Papa Smurf! nooo!
<Surley> Zombie Papa Smurf
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo takes notes for an epic saga about the Zombies Falling Into Holes
<CapAlert> damn, glad I decided to log on after all
<Pontiac> Even Rob Zombie fell down into the hole.
<BlackDeath> "Damn butterwingtips! Ah, well."
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> wait, wait, wait - zombies? What zombies?
<Pontiac> His last words were "living dead girl".
<Surley> Well, unless anyone wants to play a zombie character.. then they shall be saved
* Kyol will hang around at the back of this motley crew and follow them wherever they want to go until his amnesia is cleared.
<CapAlert> man, my neighbors are gonna be pissed about Rob falling in
<zompist> so... direction? :)
<Surley> After all we did to save Elfstar
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> north by northeast
<Pontiac> Let's find the band, DM.
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo is on the comp list
<zompist> the most exciting place is the wizard's 'cos i actually wrote him up today.
<CapAlert> wait, what were the choices? Erruk, wizard or band, right?
<Ntilde> I thought we wanted to go south.
<Surley> I thought we were going to the rock wizard
<Kyol> Can we go to eden?
<Surley> Only if there's much nubile nyphs there
<BlackDeath> I think we were headed for the rock wizard.
<CapAlert> I say we go to the WIZARD...poppies poppies poppies....
<Surley> he plays a mean bass guitar
<zompist> the wizard is on the way south.
<BlackDeath> "South it is!"
<Pontiac> SOUTH WE GO!!
<Surley> he's a rock wiz.. ah forget it
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo heads off to the lair of the wizard, dragging random members of the party behind him
* BlackDeath takes her position at point, scouting the road.
<zompist> ok! off you go, tra la la tra la lo.
* Surley heads for the rock wizard
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> surley - no, he just sits in a chair all day, going back and forth, back and forth
* Ntilde follows and sings 70's progressive rock songs
*** Lots42 is now known as Flippytherottingdeadguy
* Pontiac is goin' down SOUTH!
<Pontiac> Hey Ntilde....Let's sing "2112"!
* CapAlert pops open the sacramental wine. This is gonna be a long trip....
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> "granite! pumice! iiiiiigneous metaMORPHic strata!"
<Surley> do we have an elfstar?
<Surley> or a morwen?
* DwayneElShabazz starts praying for the ability to turn bards
<Kyol> "I've got some gravel in my pocket, but I can't remember if it's morwen or not."
<zompist> after a day or so you get to gurëna
<Pontiac> o/` And the meek shall inherit the earth... o/`
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> don't ravens eat gravel for their gizzards?
<Surley> "wow.. that was a long day's hike"
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> I've run out of minerals to sing about!
<Ntilde> "We are the priests of the temple of Syrinx! Well, I am, anyway."
<zompist> gurëna is known as the rutabaga capital of verduria.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> is there any particular reason for that?
<CapAlert> ducks and rutabegas. These guys sure are cosmopolitan
* BlackDeath overflies the town high above, getting the lay of the town.
<Surley> rutabagas upset Surley.. even more
<Pontiac> Smells like rutabagas here.
<zompist> the major inns are "the cheap rutabaga" and the "better rutabagas here than at the other inn".
* CapAlert hopes to get a lay in town
<Surley> What kind of cleric are you?
<zompist> it's not a big town, blackie. on the horizon, however, you see an ominous tower.
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo hoists his human femur on his shoulder and swipes at a nearby rutabaga plant
<CapAlert> one that has no truck with that vow of chastity shit
<zompist> in town, some of the buildings look beat up.
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo beats up a bildinh
<Pontiac> We're in the ghetto?
<zompist> pontiac: who knows? :)
* BlackDeath takes a closer look at the damaged buildings.
<Kyol> Are some of the carts missing hubcaps, DM?
* Surley examines the damage
<zompist> no, it just looks like there's been a war or an earthquake or something in the last year or two.
* Ntilde gets the Bard his medication
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> or maybe a party of crazed D&Ders?
<zompist> obviously folks have started to rebuild.
* Kyol steals some hubcaps, for resale as small shields at an unspecified later date.
<CapAlert> I wouldn't. Remember how quickly we turn and kill
<Surley> Me asks BalckDeath what she has scouted
<Surley> Is there a store here?
<CapAlert> or a temple?
* Pontiac finds a sign: "Future home of Wal-Mart".
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> I say we sow the ground with salt
<Pontiac> (sigh) Those stores and Starbucks are everywhere, aren't they?
* BlackDeath checks for fellow birds in the ominous tower, looking for good gossip.
*** LeBaron is now known as spinn
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> isn't it raven mating season?
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> "looking for good gossip" indeed
<zompist_> ok. so. town. rutabagas. stuff.
<CapAlert> temple?
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> raven mating season.
<Surley> store?
<CapAlert> or church?
<Kyol> Stew?
<Ntilde> Are the rutabagas protected, like the ducks in the other town?
<CapAlert> maybe brothel?
<BlackDeath> Don't make me kill you, Bard.
<zompist_> oh, i know.
<zompist_> shawn, i hereby appoint you to be a citizen of gurëna.
<BlackDeath> Or I'll make you do your own damn scouting. :)
<Kyol> A lot of praying goes on in brothels. Oh god oh god oh god oh god.
* Pontiac finds a sign at the edge of town: "Future home of Wal-Mart, Office Depot and Starbucks", then mutters something about those places being everywhere these days...
* CapAlert seconds Blackdeath's motion
<DwayneElShabazz> HAIL AND WELL MET, ADVENTURERS. HAVE YOU ACCEPTED RUTABEGAS INTO YOUR LIFE?
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> Why, yes, we HAVE accepted rutabagas
<CapAlert> Howdy there <peers at name tag> uh, Dwayne. Have some wine. You'll need it.
<DwayneElShabazz> consider, if you would, the humble rutabega. surely there is much to learn from it.
* BlackDeath returns. "Pretty normal town, big on rutabegas."
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> How fascinating. Tell me more, please.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> Pay no attention to the adventurers sneaking up behind you
<Pontiac> Better than the town whose economy was based solely on peanut butter.
<DwayneElShabazz> might that be rutabega wine, perchance?
<CapAlert> um, sure. I don't see why the hell not
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> of COURSE it is rutabaga wine. Drink! Be merry and unsuspecting of ambush!
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> not that we're planning on ambushing you.
<Surley> Or the town that trades in giant rock coins
* BlackDeath drops a rock on the bard's head.
* Ntilde starts to get bored and thinks about looking for the wizard already
<CapAlert> nice euphemism for poop
<Pontiac> Can we kill Dwayne now?
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> shhhh!
* Surley goes to see if there is anywhere he can buy useful things and power ups... and whores
<CapAlert> oh yeah, hey Dwayne, know anything about this rock wizard we've heard SOOOO much about?
<BlackDeath> "There's a wizardly looking tower in town."
<DwayneElShabazz> the rutabega is always humble and never violent
<DwayneElShabazz> meditate upon this
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> can I smite him on the head and take his femur for my collection?
* CapAlert hurls a rutabega at the bard's head
<DwayneElShabazz> ah, you seek the wizard përsanno?
<spinn> I meditate better than anybody, and if you don't think so, I'll kick your ass
<Surley> Looks like the party is getting ready to attack itself..
<Ntilde> Yeah, I seek the wizard persanno.
<Surley> I could intervene and stop them
<Surley> nah...
<CapAlert> wanna drink, Surley?
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo puts away his human femur guiltily.
<DwayneElShabazz> the damage you see around you was caused by an elemental created by him.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> Oh, right. Persanno.
<CapAlert> what kind of elemental?
<DwayneElShabazz> obviously, not a follower of Rutabeda-do
* Surley goes off to the tower, since all the stores and whores are closed or non-existant
* Pontiac gives up on Rutabagaville and heads to the tower.
<DwayneElShabazz> an elemental of stone, and most assuredly not vegetative matter. such as rutabegas.
<Pontiac> o/` Wasting away again in Rutabagaville... o/`
<BlackDeath> Not paper?
<DwayneElShabazz> the tower?
<DwayneElShabazz> i've been there once
* Ntilde heads for the tower as well and hopes the bard isn't following
<DwayneElShabazz> and am going again next even song
*** Kyol is now known as Morwen
<Morwen> *click-click*
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> a rock elemental, a paper elemental, and a scisssors elemental?
<DwayneElShabazz> one of my...ahh...parisioners...is a...ahh...concubine...of the wizard
<DwayneElShabazz> we hang out sometimes
<Surley> "can we go see this concubine?"
<CapAlert> yeahyeahyeah
<BlackDeath> "so that's what they're calling it these days..."
<CapAlert> is she h4wt?
<DwayneElShabazz> uhh...i uh...wouldn't know of such things.
<Surley> * Andrea decides to draw pictures of rutabagas
<DwayneElShabazz> a man of the cloth must only consider the holy rutabega
<DwayneElShabazz> but if you wish to see her
<CapAlert> uh huh. c'mon, you can tell me. Just between us clerics
<DwayneElShabazz> you shall have to travel to the castle
<DwayneElShabazz> well, any man could see that she is...ahh...attractive. one supposes.
<CapAlert> castle, eh? Hey, after the castle, we're going to go find a band who really hates rutabegas. Wanna come with?
<zompist> sir albacore reports that dwayne is not evil
<DwayneElShabazz> and i'm not gay. not that there's anything wrong with that.
<Pontiac> We weren't implying you were, Dwayne.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> ... *not* evil? Damn.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> You can keep your femur.
<DwayneElShabazz> i just have to tend to my rutabegas
<Surley> Dwane, we are on a mission of high morality. We need to save a kidnaped damsel. Ya wanna come with us?
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> Not that I had any plans to smite you on the head and extract your femur for my collection.
<DwayneElShabazz> and not ever never think about her luscious, firm, ripe breasts
<Ntilde> Breasts?
<DwayneElShabazz> Surley: oh, why the hell not
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> are her breasts shaped like rutabagas?
<DwayneElShabazz> breasts?
<DwayneElShabazz> i meant rutabegas
<BlackDeath> "I'm sure she has prodigious....rutabegas."
<DwayneElShabazz> Surley: wait, did you say morality or motality?
<Pontiac> Heh, big produce.
*** Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo is now known as LouRutaBega
<LouRutaBega> a little bit of Surley in my life, a little bit of Ntilde in the sun....
<DwayneElShabazz> yes, she has the finest garden in all the land
<DwayneElShabazz> she has daily showings
* Surley picks LouRutaBega and feed him to wild boars
<CapAlert> mmm...perfumed gardens
<CapAlert> well then, let's be off
<Pontiac> Where did the wild boars come from?
<CapAlert> to see this....garden
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> Ahhh! Wild boars!
* zompist moves things long
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> are there wild boars chasing us?
<zompist> so! that was scenic, rutabaga-full gurëna.
<zompist> after a hearty hour walk, you approach the castle of the wizard përsanno
<Surley> No stores, no chicky-pies
<CapAlert> no fun
* DwayneElShabazz meditates upon the way of the rutabega, and not at all about heaving bosoms
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> tell me more about your rutabaga lore, o Dwayne
<zompist> there's a lot of rock elemental damage along the road
* BlackDeath circles the castle, looking for signs of life.
* CapAlert sets his mace to "Mining"
<Surley> "So, Dwayne, what can ya tell us about this rock wizard.. is he nice, does he have a price?"
<DwayneElShabazz> i've never actually met him
<zompist> black, you see a big walled-in area, with two large buildings and one smaller one, some towers
<DwayneElShabazz> i only...ahh...meet...with naunai in the main hall
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> tell us about naunai
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo takes notes
* BlackDeath reports back to the group. "No signs of activity."
<Surley> "Perhaps we should knock on the front door...?"
<Pontiac> Knock away, my friend.
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo strides forward and knocks boldly
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo darts backwards, just in case
<Surley> does he activate any traps?
<Pontiac> And DON'T say "Avon calling" this time!
<DwayneElShabazz> naunai? she is a very...ahh...devout...follower of the rutabega.
<Surley> Like that boulder in Raiders of the lost ark?
<DwayneElShabazz> she has a tendancy to run afoul of the constabulatory from time to time, high-spirited minx...WENCH..GIRL that she is.
<zompist> there's a sign on the walkway that leads up to the gate: "ROCK WIZARD PËRSANNO. NO PEDDLERS, HOBOES, EVANGELISTS, OR OTHER RIFF-RAFF PLEASE. DEMONSTRATIONS OF ROCK SCIENCE BY APPOINTMENT."
* DwayneElShabazz stares off dreamily
<CapAlert> hm, can naunai get us an appointment?
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo looks at the rest of the party. How many of us count as riff-raff?
<zompist> you continue to the gate, which is in the form of a huge stone monster's head, with the portcullis as teeth
<zompist> two towers on either side have been sculpted to look like clawed arms
<CapAlert> hm
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo reaches up and taps on a stone tooth with the femur
<DwayneElShabazz> er...i wouldn't know. we all give the wizard a wide berth since his...last...demonstration
<CapAlert> cobras. very dangerous, very dealy. You go first.
<zompist> there's a couple newspapers and a bottle of milk on the front step
<Ntilde> Do I count as an evangelist?
<Pontiac> "Dewey Defeats Truman"...heh!
<DwayneElShabazz> for is it not written in the Book of the Rutabega: "Meddle not in the affairs of wizards; they are right bastards who'll send large piles of animated rock to turn you into a greasespot"?
<BlackDeath> "So, Bard, are you going to knock?"
* DwayneElShabazz digs in his pack and snacks on rutabega jerky
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo tiptoes up to the door
<CapAlert> yeah, everyone loves bards and their high charisma
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> extends the femur of the mime from a couple of adventures ago
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> and taps carefully
<zompist> a bell rings in the distance
<zompist> horses whinny
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo glances around guiltily
<CapAlert> Frau Blucher!
<zompist> there is the sound of laughter
<zompist> dice are rolled
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo taps again, curiously
* DwayneElShabazz puts away the jerky
<zompist> the door opens a notch, and a shadowy gnomish figures looks out at you.
<Surley> does the stone head eat the bard?
<zompist> "yEs?"
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> what's the sound effect this time?
* Kyol fades into the shadows.
<Surley> "WE're here to see the Wizard"
<zompist> skreeeeeeeoowoweerrrreerrrurrrrghh, says the door
<Pontiac> The wizard!
* CapAlert saunters forward, with a careful eye on the towers and the mouth
<zompist> the figures comes out a little further.
<Surley> The wonderful wizard of rock
<zompist> "mY nAmE iS tOrgO," he says.
* Ntilde follows the party into the foyer
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo writes that down. "Skreeeeeeeoowoweeree...." what was next?
<CapAlert> Hey there. We're here to see përsanno
* DwayneElShabazz waves to torgo
<Surley> Torg, like that comic character
* BlackDeath maintains her position circling above, keeping one eye on the group and one on the castle grounds.
<zompist> "i tAkE caRe oF tHe cAstLe whEn thE mAstEr iS awAy"
<DwayneElShabazz> how's tHe MaStEr doing?
<CapAlert> I assume you were informed of our arrival?
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> does he have a plaid shirt?
* Surley hopes not to run into any cute bunnies named BunBun
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo glances around guiltily, a half-eaten mini-lop in his mouth
* Pontiac hums a certain four note tune.
<CapAlert> hey, nice knees
<Ntilde> "Do you have any hotties in diaphanous robes?
<zompist> "aLsO wHeN thE maSTeR iS PrEsEnt," notes torgo.
<CapAlert> and the master currently is....
<Pontiac> Kneecapping Torgo would require some effort.
<Surley> "Is the MaStER.. er.. master present?"
<zompist> "kInD oF aN AdmInIsTraTivE aSsiStaNt, yOu kNOw."
* DwayneElShabazz walks on in, looking around for souls in need of succor
<zompist> "hE iS."
<zompist> "hEy. i HaVE tO anNoUnCe yOu!!"
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo strides forward. "Excellent well."
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo halts
<Surley> "Can you relay to him that we wish to request an audience.. that we wish to see if he can help our firend?"
<CapAlert> is he available? We made the appointment MONTHS ago, and we're just itching to meet him
* Ntilde looks around the castle for a phone
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> oh, very well. Announce us.
<zompist> torgo smiles and closes the door on you.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> Tell him it's crucial to the plot.
<zompist> you hear footsteps.
* DwayneElShabazz steps backwards, dreams of succor on hold
* CapAlert steps carefully back a bit
<zompist> about an hour later, torgo returns and opens the door.
<Pontiac> Did we do ANYTHING in the last hour?
<zompist> "wHaT wAs thE nAmE agAiN?"
<Ntilde> "The master. The guy who can repair people who have been turned to stone."
<CapAlert> "cApAlErT aNd FrIeNdS"
<zompist> ok. torgo disappears for another half hour, comes back and invites you inside.
* BlackDeath drops down and joins the party on their way in.
<Surley> we all walk inside
<zompist> torgo leads you across the courtyard of the keep to the largest of the several buildings.
* BlackDeath catches a ride on cap's handy horned helmet.
<Pontiac> Torgo said "walk this way". If I could walk that way...
<CapAlert> yeah, that's a handy lil hat
<zompist> you can't help noticing the very large, deep footprints in the earth.
* Ntilde shambles off along with the party
<Surley> Hmm.. deep footprints equal something heavy
<zompist> he takes you into the great hall, which is cheerfully decorated with tapestries showing peaceful fields and towns being devastated by rock elementals.
<Pontiac> Nice decor.
<Surley> very peaceful
* Surley makes sure his pickaxe is really really sharp
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> oh, those are lovely. Is that embroidery?
* Pontiac spent some time sharpening his sword and preparing to kill if necessary.
<zompist> there are tables and chairs set out as for a feast, a fire in the fireplace, a large panther lounging in front of it, and a phonograph in the corner playing led zeppelin.
* DwayneElShabazz looks about for parishioners
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> is it a panther? or a catamount?
* BlackDeath takes flight, settling in the rafters.
* Surley thinks about how pickaxes have a better atvantage against rock-made creatures than flails or swords
<zompist> panther. beige.
<Pontiac> Ooooh, "Physical Graffiti"!
* Ntilde also flies up to the rafters
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo growls softly at the panther
<CapAlert> cool, hard rock music
<zompist> the panther opens his eyes and stares at the bard.
<CapAlert> nice kitty
<Surley> cool, hard rock music and a panther
* Ntilde realizes he isn't a bird, and stops flapping his arms
* DwayneElShabazz edges (far) away from the insane bard
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo takes a step back.
<Surley> Fernbar can speak to animals
<Surley> could...
* CapAlert wonders if we shouldn't have given the bard some catnip to placate the panther
<Surley> whatever
<zompist> true. he can. however, this panther doesn't respond to him.
<CapAlert> this panther seems....familiar
<zompist> torgo suggests that you sit down while he fetches a light lunch.
<Surley> Albacore can detect if the panther is evil
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo sits on the other side of the room from the panther, just in case
* DwayneElShabazz asks for a rutabega-on-rye with rutabega relish and goatcheese
<Ntilde> OK, I'll sit down and wait for the wizard. It might be a while.
<zompist> albacore tries, but gets the response "Reply Hazy. Ask Again Later"
<Surley> Andrea can draw a picture of the panther
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> "if you are called by a panther / don't anther"
<zompist> the panther notices andrea drawing and comes and looks over her shoulder, which kind of makes her drawing difficult.
<zompist> but she soldiers on.
* Surley notices that the panther seems unusually inteligent..
<Surley> "Hello, Panther.. can you nod if you understand me?"
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo prepares to extract the femur from surley's corpse, if the opportunity arises
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> nothing personal
<zompist> the panther looks intently at surley. you can't tell if he doesn't understand, or is just acting like a jerk, as cats do
* CapAlert looks around the room for artwork or other indications of the kind of character the wizard is
* DwayneElShabazz corners Pontiac "Did you know that rutabegas are available year-round?"
<Pontiac> Yes! I did! Oooh, look at the time, I gotta...do...SOMETHING!
* Pontiac flees Dwayne.
* Surley shrugs at the panther and waits for the wizard
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> so, Dwayne, you were going to tell me more about rutabaga superstitions?
* DwayneElShabazz follows "The peak season, however, is fall and winter..."
* Ntilde thinks about petting the panther, but decides against it
<DwayneElShabazz> oh, you seek rutabega-do?
<zompist> did i mention torgo coming in with lunch?
* CapAlert settles in, opens up some wine, blesses it, and takes a sip
<DwayneElShabazz> long and arduous is that path
<CapAlert> no
<zompist> duck sandwiches, salad, hummus, pop rocks, tea, and wine
<DwayneElShabazz> i advise that you not choose it lightly
* BlackDeath settles on a chair back and eyes the duck meat.
<CapAlert> wait, let me check the wine
<zompist> torgo joins you, eating with his hands
<DwayneElShabazz> we generally seek an oracle to determine if one can become a priest of the order
<CapAlert> it might be poisoned
* Surley takes a cup of tea and some hummus
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> more about your beliefs
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> over here
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> away from everyone else
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> while everyone else is busy?
<DwayneElShabazz> and that can only be done on the last new moon of the year
* CapAlert sniffs at the wine
* Pontiac grabs a handful of duck sammiches.
<DwayneElShabazz> when all probationers assemble in the Great Rutabega Field
* Ntilde grabs a duck sandwich and some salad
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> sure. Of course.
* CapAlert sips at the wine
<DwayneElShabazz> each one selects a rutabega and tossed it aloft
<zompist> a rather good-looking chick in a long purple robe enters.
<CapAlert> hm, it tastes a bit odd. I better check it further
<DwayneElShabazz> if it lands leaves.....
<zompist> "you are the capalert party?"
* DwayneElShabazz stops
* CapAlert takes the wine and a sandwich and goes over by Black
<zompist> "oh, el-shabazz!"
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo glances significantly at the others. You owe me.
<zompist> she comes over and gives the cleric a big kiss
* DwayneElShabazz waves sheepishly
<DwayneElShabazz> gah
<DwayneElShabazz> uhh
<DwayneElShabazz> heya
<DwayneElShabazz> there
<Surley> "I don't know if we're the capalert party, but he is with us.. if that's what you mean."
<DwayneElShabazz> hello
* BlackDeath snacks on duck, while keeping an eye on the newcomer.
<CapAlert> nice rutabegas
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo sniffs. Female in heat?
* DwayneElShabazz tries to be smooth about slipping an arm around her waist
* CapAlert gives the wine to Kemlo "Go drink this"
<Surley> No bard, it's just your deodarant.. or maybe that ring that attracts squid
<zompist> albacore suggests under his breath that she's in the "cute but kind of evil" cateogry
<Ntilde> I have the ring that attracts squid.
<Ntilde> ...remember?
<zompist> the panther looks sharply at dwayne and growls
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> perhaps she's a squid in disguise...
<Surley> did you rub it against Bard?
<zompist> the lady laughs.
* CapAlert offers another piece of duck to Black, and says "Hmmm..."
<zompist> "my name is naunai. who are you all and what brings you here?"
* Ntilde starts humming the Pink Panther theme
* DwayneElShabazz points out that it is the duty of a cleric to...to stay a respectful distance from babes in purple gowns
<CapAlert> Oh, we're here to see përsanno
<CapAlert> We have a possible commission for him
<zompist> "i'm sure he'll be delighted. on what business?"
<Ntilde> "We have a member of our party who got turned to stone."
<Surley> "Hello, Naunai, I am Surley. I was wondering if the wizard can perform a certain task involving stone?"
<zompist> "stone is his specialty," she murmurs.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> yes, we've noticed those exquisite tapestries
<Surley> "Basically, after she got turned into stone, the statue was broken in a ..um.. misadventure.. do you think he can restore her?"
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> did you make those?
<zompist> "you want to resurrect someone? how altruistic you people must be!"
<CapAlert> Hey, this is some good wine. Anyhow, yeah, we have a friend who is in a bit of a predicament. We thought maybe he had a way to solve her problem
<CapAlert> well, she owes me money
<zompist> "still, weren't you scared of përsanno's reputation?"
<Ntilde> "What reputation??"
<zompist> "well, the trampling the countryside bit."
<CapAlert> oh sure, but we said, 'Hey, he's a businessman. He can be reasonable'
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> Oh, I thought that was just PR.
<zompist> "we never get invited out any more."
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> you know - he hired a bard.
<Surley> "WE thought he was the only one who might be able to help"
<CapAlert> and he obviously has wonderful taste in women. How bad could he be?
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> I don't think you want that question answered.
<zompist> naunai smiles and pats capalert on the head
<CapAlert> careful, those horns are a lil sharp
* DwayneElShabazz looks distressed in a non-panther-facing direction
<zompist> "you dwarves are so cute."
<BlackDeath> "Besides, we thought the challenge might intrigue him."
<CapAlert> anyhow, we want to talk business with përsanno, and so we thought we'd stop in
<CapAlert> yeah, challenge
<Pontiac> Yep, that's our business.
<CapAlert> it's very challenging. It might be beyond his abilities
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> of course, if it's too DIFFICULT for him to handle, we'll understand
<zompist> "i've never gone to bed with a dwarf," muses naunai.
<zompist> "are you... muscled like that... all over?"
<CapAlert> you know, not ALL of our body is proportionately small
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> there's a reason there's not much dwarf erotica, you know.
<CapAlert> yup
<Surley> true
<Ntilde> "Yeah, but I'm the one with the magic missile."
* CapAlert winks mischievously at naunai
<zompist> naunai runs a hand along cap's biceps
<zompist> "dwarves are so strong. i hear."
* CapAlert flexes dramatically
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo whimpers, and puts his paws over his eyes
<Surley> And we can do wonders with a flail and a magic-powered doodad
<CapAlert> lot of constitution, so muy endurance
* DwayneElShabazz coughs a bit and squirms nervously
<Surley> "Cap, do you need a room?"
<zompist> "tell me more," she purrs.
<CapAlert> shh...I'm being charming, Surley
<Surley> 'or being charmed'
<CapAlert> anyhow, we should pursue this a bit more, but shouldn't we not keep përsanno waiting?
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo glances warily at the panther
<zompist> "what sort of pursuing did you have in mind?"
<Pontiac> Yeah, we better be going. Thanks for the meal, I really (BURRRPP!!) enjoyed it.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> ... where'd the panther go?
<zompist> the panther is still there; he's returning the bard's gaze
<CapAlert> well, wouldn't you like to know ;)
<zompist> but then he looks back at naunai and cap
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo shakes his head. Damn, my perception is going weird.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> for a moment there, I thought I saw the panther as Persanno
<CapAlert> but you know, I think we should go check with përsanno about this gig, and then we'll have more time to...pursue
<zompist> "you're not so fun," she pouts.
* Surley goes off to one side and becons BlackDeath. He askes her what she thinks of her becoming invisible and scouting around the castle
<CapAlert> maybe you can get us in to see him soon?
<CapAlert> so we can...pursue a little sooner?
<zompist> she turns to ntilde. "i have a thing for magicians, too."
* BlackDeath asks Surley if he has a means for her to become invisible.
<CapAlert> yeah, but they go off in a spurt of flame and smoke, and then that's it
<Surley> yea, that;s what I meant
* BlackDeath grows warier of this place the more chicky-poo here talks.
<CapAlert> and their wands go limp after a couple of uses
<Ntilde> "Heh heh. We could slip off into the shadows and I'll show you the magic missile."
<zompist> "i'd like to see that," she says.
<zompist> "i like.... missiles."
<zompist> she licks her lips.
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo sniffs again. Damn, she IS in heat.
* Ntilde can hardly contain his excitement
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> She's in heat for at least five different species.
* BlackDeath returns to the rafters.
<Pontiac> She'll lay anybody in here.
<zompist> "is that a magic wand, or are you just glad to see me?"
* DwayneElShabazz angsts heavilly
<Ntilde> "The one is a magic wand. But I am glad to see you."
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> nothing that gives off that many pheromones can be good.
* CapAlert moves over by Surley and Black, keeping an eye on the panther, muttering to himself about chicks and shit
<zompist> "say, where is that stone person of yours?"
<zompist> "can i see him or her?"
* BlackDeath settles in a nice, secure spot above, keeping an eye on the panter and lady. "Hmmmph, *men*."
<CapAlert> well, bits of her, anyhow
<Ntilde> Damn. Who has the box of rocks now?
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo does
<CapAlert> ZombieKyol did, I thought
<zompist> the panther looks expectantly at the bard
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> yes, but it fell into a pothole, so I took them
* Pontiac joins Cap, Surley and Black. "When do we go find the band?"
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> here - a box of stone fragments, mostly
<Surley> After Morwen is healed up
<zompist> the lady examines the fragments.
<Surley> but..
<zompist> "ooh, it's a woman," she says.
<zompist> "kind of flat, though, wasn't she?"
<Surley> "Nuanai, have you heard of a band called Elrai?"
* DwayneElShabazz grumbles under his breath "she's no lady, by the great rutabega spirit..."
<CapAlert> yeah, but she had a great ass...ets...
<CapAlert> I mean
<CapAlert> she had a wonderful sense of humor
<zompist> "elrei? yes, of course. they rock."
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> it's the panther, isn't it.
<zompist> "i love musicians," she tells surley. "are you a musician?"
* Ntilde secretly hopes the healing finishes up so he can get some experience points with Nuanai, if you know what I mean
<Surley> "Not really, I dabbled a little, but mostly I'm a warrior."
<zompist> "i bet you are."
<Surley> "And how did you happen to end up here?"
<CapAlert> okokok... I don't mean to be pushy, but is përsanno around? We'd really like to get our friend healed up
<zompist> you suddenly hear some deep, prolonged, masculine laughter
<Surley> "And do you know what the deal is with the panther.. er.. laughter?"
<zompist> just as you realize it's coming from the panther, it disappears in a puff of smoke
<zompist> and a moment later, across the room, a man in a dark red outfit appears.
<Surley> "Whoa"
* CapAlert applauds
<Surley> "I am impressed"
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> and here you were making me think my perception was fucked up.
<zompist> "you are amusing fools," he comments.
<Pontiac> Greetings, man in red.
<BlackDeath> "We aim to entertain, good wizard."
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> those are some very nice tapestries you have in the hall.
<Surley> "Um.. glad to be of entertainment.."
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> Who was the artist? I'd like to meet him, her, or it.
<zompist> "entertainment. yes, i'm thinking of that."
<Ntilde> "Yeah. I'm hoping to get this adventure published in an online journal at some point."
<CapAlert> heh...I admire your approach to screening visitors
<zompist> "naunai, thank you," he says. "
<zompist> "you played your role well."
<zompist> she curtseys, smiles, and takes her leave.
* DwayneElShabazz twinkly-waves byebye
* BlackDeath edges closer to a window.
<Ntilde> Damn! She was just leading us on!
<CapAlert> ya think?
<Surley> Duh
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> that's why there's no such thing as dwarf erotica.
<Pontiac> Women. Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em, neither.
<zompist> "now. you who eat my food and attempt to seduce my concubine... what is this business of yours?"
* Ntilde puts the magic wand away
<Surley> Bard, there is .. PlayGnome
* Surley gives Bard a copy that the monk mistakenly sold him
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo flips through the PlayGnome, opens the centerfold, shudders, closes it, and hands it back
<CapAlert> Well, one of our companions met the business end of a basilisk, and we were told you were the only one powerful and skilled enough to help her
<Surley> "I thank you for the tea and humus, but we're here wondering if you can help us"
<Ntilde> I've seen worse. I went to Gnome Modification eZine.
<zompist> "powerful, skillful, yes. did they mention 'capricious'?"
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> you mean "resembling a goat"?
<CapAlert> oh, sure, but the bard said that was just hype
<CapAlert> he said it was all a PR scam
<CapAlert> I didn't buy it, but we figured 'what the hey'
<zompist> bard, you suddenly find yourself levitating in the air about twenty feet
<Surley> "No, just powerful and skillfull... with a focus on rock magic"
<zompist> bard, you find yourself on the floor again, with several broken bones
* BlackDeath has just about reached a partially opened window, edging along a rafter nonchalantly.
<Ntilde> Ow. That's gotta hurt.
* Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo jumps upwards. You destroyed my entire collection of human femurs!
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> You bastard!
<Surley> "Thank you good wizard.. we offer you this Bard as a gift.. a toy if you will."
<Ntilde> How many HP was that?
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> None. The bones weren't in my body, they were in my backpack.
* CapAlert sidles away from the bard
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> We come ALL this way
* DwayneElShabazz tries to skulk away from everyone
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> to see the Great Persanno
<zompist> that was 5 of 7 hp, kemlo
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> who is the ONLY one
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> who is COMPETENT enough
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> to FIX our companion
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> and ALL you do
<Pontiac> And can we get Morwen repaired? Like right now?
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> is play POWER games
<CapAlert> ok, sure. Get mad at the nice man who gave us duck
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> and wreck my trophies!
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> do you not WANT to show off?
<zompist> the wizard sighs.
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> do you not WANT praise
* BlackDeath waits for the pain to hit Bard's brain.
<zompist> "show off? sure."
* Ntilde points to Kemlo and says "Here, take him. Turn him into rocks."
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> and legends?
<CapAlert> you'll have to excuse our obviously addled companion
<Ntilde> s/excuse/exterminate/
<CapAlert> he's sniffed too many femurs
<zompist> he gestures wearily, and a lightning bolt fries the bard.
<BlackDeath> "The Bard said you smelled funny, too."
<zompist> all that's left is a smell of ozone
*** Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo is now known as Kemlozone
* CapAlert whistles admiringly
* DwayneElShabazz makes the sign of the rutabega
<zompist> "i will help you," he says.
<Surley> "Thank you for freeing us from his innane prattle... but we are prepared to pay/and or offer our services in exchange for your assistance on helping our friend"
<CapAlert> Wow, very nicely done. Sorry about that guy.
<zompist> "if you can defeat chris and rolling," he adds.
<CapAlert> Chris and rolling?
<Pontiac> We need that around the South Pole. Get a jar and collect the ozone.
<Ntilde> Who's rolling?
<DwayneElShabazz> chris and rolling...the rocks?
<zompist> "my creations," he says, paternally.
<CapAlert> oh, now we wouldn't want to hurt such obvious masterpieces
<zompist> you hear some rumbling out in the courtyard
<Surley> "If you can not restore her, we understand. Perhaps you can just turn her into a sexy golem or something."
<Ntilde> Ooh! It's the Monsters of Rock tour!
<zompist> loud, heavy, thumping rumbling.
* BlackDeath launches herself out the window to see what's happening.
<CapAlert> after all, you went to a lot of trouble to create them, and well, we know how special they can be
<Pontiac> Inhumanoids!
<Surley> "Oh well.. guess we battle for your entertainment.."
* DwayneElShabazz cowers
<CapAlert> maybe we can do some service for you? Like bring you more bards for target practice?
* DwayneElShabazz starts crying
<CapAlert> or a shrubbery perhaps
*** Kemlozone is now known as Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo
<Bard-of-Stratford-on-Kemlo> Bard season!
<Ntilde> Huh? Did the bard get reincarnated already?
<zompist> no.
<Surley> Ahh.. talking ozone!
* Pontiac draws his sword, and prepares for battle...then realizes creatures made of stone might be too much for a double-edged sword.
* Ntilde DIDN'T THINK SO
* BlackDeath darts back in the window. "Creatures made of stone, two of them. Humanoid, big and slow."
* Surley readies his stone-bustin' pickaxe
<zompist> "i know what you're thinking," the wizard says.
<zompist> "you're thinking, how can our wimpy little weapons hurt a stone elemental?"
*** SecondBard-of-Stratford-on-Kem is now known as Kemlozone
* Kemlozone drifts out the window towards the stone elementals
<CapAlert> well, yeah
<Kemlozone> ozone is very corrosive to stone...
<Surley> "Perhaps you can enchant our weapons?"
<zompist> "sure. i'm a sport, really."
<CapAlert> I mean, I liek my mace and all, but obviously against such masterpieces of magic, it'd be useless
<zompist> "but it will be temporary."
<DwayneElShabazz> my granfather had a vorpal rutabega once
* Surley holds out his pickaxe and dire flail
*** Kemlozone is now known as SurleysTalkingPickaxe
<SurleysTalkingPickaxe> Hi!
<SurleysTalkingPickaxe> I'm your pickaxe!
<Surley> "Do you mean you cannot make it permanent?"
<SurleysTalkingPickaxe> I'm *magical*.
<SurleysTalkingPickaxe> Oh!
* BlackDeath realizes her razor bladies won't be very effective without some help.
<SurleysTalkingPickaxe> You want me to be with you forever?
<SurleysTalkingPickaxe> Goody!
<Pontiac> Enchant this sword, wizard.
<zompist> the wizard gestures, and your weapons seem somehow niftier.
<CapAlert> nifty!
<zompist> "permanent? i'm a sport, not a fool."
<Ntilde> Ooh! What about my spell?
* DwayneElShabazz attempts to turn the undead bard
<CapAlert> it'll still work
<zompist> the wizard thinks a bit and gestures at ntilde.
<Ntilde> But is my spell enchanted?
<zompist> "all spells are enchanted."
<Pontiac> BlackDeath, how close are the rock creatures now?
<SurleysTalkingPickaxe> dwayne - no, i'm a completely different character now.
* CapAlert says a little prayer over the group
<Surley> "Well, we can pay to have the enchantments upgraded. We didn't even want to use it against your creations.. and there is no chance we could use enchanted weapons against the person who enchanted it."
<Ntilde> Oh, for the love of nbsp.
* CapAlert performs an exorcism on the pickaxe
<Surley> It's now a normal pickaxe!
<BlackDeath> "They're just outside, stopped."
<Surley> except niftyer
<BlackDeath> "Waiting, is my guess."
<Surley> but silent
<CapAlert> I guess we should go out there then. I'm right behind you all
<Pontiac> Er, I'll lead.
*** SurleysTalkingPickaxe is now known as SurleysMimingPickaxe
<Pontiac> Come on gang, we might die for Morwen here.
<zompist> "anytime you're ready, amusing peon people. i'll be back when you're done to greet the survivors."
<zompist> the wizard disappears in a puff of visual effects.
<CapAlert> Well then, let's go
* Surley stolls out cautiously towards the creatures, holding both weapons
* Pontiac leads a slow march outside.
* CapAlert hefts his nifty mace
* Ntilde heads out with the gang
<zompist> right. outside, in the yard, are two rather large, ugly, rocky-looking creatures.
* SurleysMimingPickaxe walks against the wind
* BlackDeath dive-bombs the creatures, counting on her speed to get in a test swipe with her blades without danger.
* Ntilde hums the theme from "Rocky"
<BlackDeath> "Let's see what this enchantment can do."
* Pontiac looks up...and up...and up. Christ, these damn things are fifty feet tall.
* Surley readies to attack
<Surley> the feet
<Surley> ..
<zompist> not quite that tall.
<zompist> it's an illusion caused by the steroids.
<BlackDeath> Heh. So, any effect from my run?
<Pontiac> Okay, shorter. I never said height perception was my greatest skill.
<SoiledGreen> where are we?
<zompist> anyway, since they're slow, you have the initiative... i assume you all attack?
* SurleysMimingPickaxe is trapped in an invisible box
* BlackDeath already has.
<CapAlert> sure
* Surley yells and strikes primarily with the pickaxe, then the flail
<CapAlert> I'll take the one on the right
* DwayneElShabazz hangs back, prepping a healing spell
<Ntilde> I'll attack the one on the left with a magic missile.
<Pontiac> I'll try to cut Rolling down with a sword attack.
* SoiledGreen attacks whatever they are attaking.
<Surley> "Everyone, concentrate on one, than the other!"
* CapAlert looks, and decides the one with the moss must be Chris
<zompist> ok. blackdeath and capalert manage to strike effective blows the first round.
<CapAlert> since everyone knows the stone Rolling gathers no moss
<Surley> "Target the one called Chris!"
<BlackDeath> Are the weapons acting like they would on flesh?
<Pontiac> Okay, Chris then. Aaaarrrrggghhh!
* Pontiac charges Chris, sword drawn.
*** SoiledGreen is now known as Erik
<Surley> "Erik, use your backstabby speedy theif skills and enchanted weapon to try and dispatch Chris, the rock monster"
* BlackDeath continues to harry the slow creatures about the head, taking advantage of her speed and height.
<zompist> the monsters, in return, get a good blow on capalert, and a more glancing wound on surley.
* Erik picks chris's pockets.
<CapAlert> ow
<Ntilde> Anyone want to try an invisible attack?
* SurleysMimingPickaxe climbs some invisible stairs, makes an invisible bed, pulls back the invisible covers, and goes to sleep.
<CapAlert> I doubt invisibility would work well against things that don't have eyes
* Pontiac hacks away at Chris' legs with his sword.
<SurleysMimingPickaxe> g'night, people and freaks.
<Ntilde> Oh. Good point.
<zompist> black: not like an attack on naked flesh, but they do work.
* Surley gets angry at being wounded!
*** SIGNOFF: SurleysMimingPickaxe!newbie@mctnts10d113.nbnet.nb.ca ("At this point, aren't you chopping down a California redwood using a banana *and* a particle accelerator?")
* CapAlert looks around the courtyard for anything that could be used against the monsters
<zompist> dwayne, are you attacking in any way?
* Surley takes a lot of powerful strikes at Chris' legs
* Erik goes for the torso.
<DwayneElShabazz> i'll cast heal light wounds on whoever's hurtin the mostest
* CapAlert waves
<zompist> ntilde casts a magic missile, which does some damage to chris
<Ntilde> Whoo!
* Pontiac hits Chris with repeated sword attacks.
<zompist> pontiac manages to carve out a good swath of chris!
* CapAlert backs away a bit
<Surley> "Dwayne, wait until someone is really, really hurt.. or until the end of battle with those healing spells.. we'll need. ow! them!"
* Erik slashes at the torso with his dagger.
<zompist> rolling deals a grievous blow to capalert.
<Pontiac> We're eatin' barbeque Chris later!
* BlackDeath is still slicing and dicing.
<CapAlert> so much for backing away
<Ntilde> Ooh.
<Surley> "Dwayne, Capalert.. "
<zompist> you're down to 3 hp, cap
<CapAlert> well, owie
* DwayneElShabazz casts
* Pontiac continues hitting Chris with repeated sword attacks, and wants to move in for the kill.
* Ntilde casts a magic missile at Rolling in retaliation
* CapAlert backs off more than just a bit
* Surley springs backward, trying to evade the monsters, then counterattacking with great fury"
* BlackDeath tries to cover cap's retreat while staying mobile.
<zompist> next round... kyol and ntilde do some damage to chris and rolling, respectively.
<Pontiac> Do you see a weak spot on either one of them, Black Death?
* Erik goes headfist into the muck.
<Erik> er, first.
<CapAlert> ** Erik fists the golem
<zompist> pontiac gets knocked on the head... 3 hp
<BlackDeath> "Nothing in particular, Pontiac."
*** CapAlert is now known as TheGuyFromGalaxyQuest
<Pontiac> Owie, owie, my head...
<zompist> chris swats at the raven with a big rocky hand, stuns her (1 hp)
<TheGuyFromGalaxyQuest> He's a rock! Rocks don't HAVE weak spots!
<Surley> hehe
*** TheGuyFromGalaxyQuest is now known as CapAlert
<Surley> 1hp damage, or 1hp left?
<DwayneElShabazz> did i heal capalert yet? if so, i draw my quarterstaff and with a mighty yell of "By the power of Rutabaga! HOOOOOOOO!", charge in
<zompist> 1 hp damage. rock elementals don't do well against flyers.
<Surley> cool
* Pontiac staggers back up and charges Chris again.
<CapAlert> I'm going to cast a heal on myself, too
<Pontiac> Cast a heal on me! Me too!
* Surley still attacking in great anger with both weapons
<zompist> ok, the two cure spells fully cure capalert.
* Erik goes for the knees.
* Surley does matrix-like kung-fu moves
<Erik> with the dagger.
<zompist> raven, who are you attacking? ditto leth?
<Ntilde> Hmm. I'm out of spells at this point, so I'll just sort of parry or whatever.
<BlackDeath> Um, Chris, I suppose.
* DwayneElShabazz lays down some serious kung-fu on the chris rock
<CapAlert> sure. Chris
<zompist> ok, blackdeath's tiny little talons do an improbably amount of damage to chris
<Surley> nice talons
<zompist> cap's mace administers a serious drubbing
<BlackDeath> Hey, I have majicked blades.
* Erik gets tired of slashing, and then goes to biting chris's toes.
* CapAlert sets his mace to "StripMining"
<Ntilde> How much damage do we have left to do?
* Surley aims his pickaxe at Chris' crotch and swings with all his strength
<zompist> rolling knocks elk quite quite seriously. he's out of the melee.
<Ntilde> Ow. Shit.
* BlackDeath tries to finish off Chris.
* Pontiac goes after Chris with another sword attack.
<zompist> kyol gets knocked about a bit with a large trout. i mean, rocky fist.
<zompist> however, kyol manages to get a good swordstroke in.
* Erik goes in with the dagger aimed right at his nipples.
* Surley tries to shatter Chris' face
<zompist> pontiac manages to knock some gravel off chris
* DwayneElShabazz whips his polearm around behind him, legs akimbo, one arm extended; pauses for effect and launches a spinning attack on rolling
<zompist> erik hits rolling! whee!
<BlackDeath> Did I do any good at finishing off chris?
<Erik> whoo!
* CapAlert continues to try and drub
<zompist> erik however gets knocked on the head. -3 hp
<Ntilde> I'm not dead or anything, am I?
<zompist> ntilde: no, but you're knocked out
* Surley tries to come around and attack from the back of the rock golems
<Ntilde> Ah.
<Erik> owwwww!
* Ntilde sits back unconscious
<zompist> chris gets distracted by the flapping black thing and falls down
<Surley> Cap, you might want to heal Erik
<zompist> ...on surley
* DwayneElShabazz keeps up the jackie chan action
<Surley> and me
<Surley> ow!
<DwayneElShabazz> SCREAMING RUTABEGA TALON FINAL ATTACK!
* Surley tries to upswing with his weapons, hoping to shatter
* Erik jumps on top of chris slashing his stone face.
<zompist> the dm's die falls on the floor!
* BlackDeath presses the kill, wondering if she can get into his head.
<CapAlert> be the golem, black. Get into his head, see what he feels
<zompist> dwayne manages to knock some stones out of rolling!
<Erik> cap!
<Erik> need some healin' over here!
* DwayneElShabazz pulls back and casts his remaining spell on erik
* CapAlert goes over to Erik
<DwayneElShabazz> or cap
<spinn> oh
<spinn> rolling and chris
<spinn> I get it
<Surley> Cap, pour some healin' on me
<CapAlert> you're under some rock, aren't ya?
<BlackDeath> I think you're still under a rock pile.
* Surley tries to tunnel out of the rock pile with his pickaxe
<Pontiac> Ugh...must exit battle.
<Surley> Dwarfs are good at tunneling
*** SIGNOFF: Pontiac (I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY!!)
* CapAlert lets Dwayne heal Erik, and tries to get to Surley
<CapAlert> huh, Pontiac's been recalled
<Surley> he ran off
<Erik> eh... wimpling!
<Surley> ran out of gas
<DwayneElShabazz> Erik: be glad i get 2 spells due to my wisdom bonus. we'll talk about rutabegas later
* BlackDeath goes for chris' jugular. Just in case they have something delicate in the neck region.
* DwayneElShabazz pats erik on the head and returns to battle
<Erik> woo!
<Surley> am I free yet?
<CapAlert> no jugular, but a vein of gold!
<BlackDeath> woo!
* Erik goes back to slashing at chris's legs furiously.
<Erik> bastard!
<Erik> die!
<BlackDeath> dammit, is chris dead yet?
* DwayneElShabazz joins the assault on chris
<Surley> If I am free, I attack rolling to try to keep him away from the party
<CapAlert> is zomp's modem dying?
<Surley> looks like
<Surley> damn cursed modem of -2
<DwayneElShabazz> at least i got in my SCREAMING RUTABEGA TALON FINAL ATTACK!
*** Ntilde is now known as DM
<DM> OK, you are all attacked by a large monster with a goatee drinking an impossibly blue drink.
*** DM is now known as Ntilde
<Ntilde> Maybe not.
<Erik> it's Loreman!
<DwayneElShabazz> are lores allergic to rutabegas?
<spinn> I take it the meeting with the wizard didn't go swimmingly?
<CapAlert> oh, it did. He killed Kemlo
*** zompist_ (zompist@207-229-151-16.d.enteract.com) has joined #spinnwebe
<zompist_> "all circuits are busy right now." FUCK FUCK FUCK.
<CapAlert> so if the DM isn't back in 10 minutes, we win the battle and get a free period, right?
<spinn> be ironic if you got her healed and then were so weak you get killed by a stiff wind
<zompist> i guess i wasn't the only one...
<Ntilde> CapAlert: Sure, but bring your own uterus.
* DwayneElShabazz calls dibs on the hot evil babe
<zompist> ok... moving right along, so we can give the channel back to these nice people. :)
<BlackDeath> So is chris dead yet?
<zompist> the two elementals look quite weakened, with little rocky bits missing all over. but they're still game for battle.
<Erik> woo!
<zompist> as if to demonstrate this point, they knock kyol about a bit
* Erik goes for the testes.
* DwayneElShabazz re-rejoins the attack on chris
<Erik> die, bastards!
* Surley pefroms a massive attack on rolling.. provided he got out of the rock pile
<zompist> erik: chris or rolling?
<Surley> "KillCrushMaimDestroyARGGGG!!"
<Erik> chris.
<CapAlert> hit 'em!
<zompist> erik, you chop of a rock testis
<Surley> heh, rock testis
<zompist> blackdeath slices away some more of chris
* Ntilde remains obediently unconscious, but starts having weird dreams of mining and rock blasting.
<zompist> dwayne gets whacked severely (down to 1 hp)
* Surley evades and counterattacks.. again
<Erik> ouchie!
<Surley> anyone have a healing spell? Cap?
* DwayneElShabazz rolls into a crumpled heap
* CapAlert runs over toward Dwayne
<Surley> "I don't think your worked on me.. I was under too much rocks"
<zompist> capalert maces chris, who is now tottering, with little stone birdies flying round his head
<CapAlert> got one Cure Light Wounds left
<Erik> me then goes to attack rolling's knees.
* BlackDeath keeps hounding chris.
<CapAlert> s/hound/bird/
* Surley angered by the loss.. er.. unconciousness of Dwane, tries to finish off chris!
<zompist> erik gets a good hit on rolling
<BlackDeath> Slicing, dicing, darting.
<Erik> hope the fucker falls.
<Surley> not on me, again
<zompist> pontiac heaves a mighty blow, finishing off chris!
<Erik> whooo!
<Ntilde> Pontiac? I thought he drove off.
<zompist> who then falls down, knocking pontiac unconscious
<Erik> lets all gang up on rolling.
* CapAlert cures Dwayne
* Surley changes direction and launches a two-weaponed attack at rolling
* DwayneElShabazz gets up "I have faith in my gods! HONOR OR DEATH! HOWLING RUTABEGA DEMON ASSAULT!"
<zompist> oh, he did, did he? well, it happens anyway
<zompist> erik and blackdeath both manage to hit and damage rolling
* BlackDeath turns on Rolling after Chris falls.
<CapAlert> and as soon as Dwayne's all healed up, I return to the fray
<zompist> rolling manages to hit and damage capalert (-3 hp)
<CapAlert> um, ow
<CapAlert> fucker
<zompist> surley's dire flail finishes off rolling!
* Surley tries to avoid any counterattack and instead tries to shatter his eye with his pickaxy
<CapAlert> or the flail
<Surley> or that
<Surley> "Yes!
<Surley> "Bastard!"
<zompist> you hear some applause from the balcony of the main building
* CapAlert goes over to see if Ntilde's alright
* DwayneElShabazz plants his quarterstaff and tries to look cocky
<zompist> where you now notice përsanno and naunai seated in easy chairs watching the fight
* Surley tends to his wounds
* Ntilde is still unconscious
* BlackDeath covers the wounded and their healers.
* Surley stumbles towards the wizard
<Erik> well, search the bodies?
<CapAlert> got no cure spells left, but I'll bind the wounds
<CapAlert> "You find rock"
* DwayneElShabazz offers soothing rutabega poultices to anyone who is in need
<zompist> the wizard pops out, pops in at the door to the great hall.
<DwayneElShabazz> i'm also outta spells. only first level, ya know
<zompist> he marches over to the elemental corpses.
<Surley> "Well.. that has been our show for the evening.. hope you.. ow.. enjoyed it..."
<zompist> "yes, yes, it was fine," he says, absently.
<zompist> he concentrates for some time; you see the two elementals being rebuilt as if by invisible hands.
<zompist> they sit up, look around confusedly. he pats them on their heads.
<Surley> "Can you now fix our friend-turned-pebbles?"
* Ntilde slowly, but surely -- no, mainly slowly -- regains consciousness
* DwayneElShabazz eyes naunai half-warily, half-longingly
<zompist> "are you all right, chris, rolling? who's daddy's little rockpiles? YOU are! YES you are!"
* CapAlert eyes the wine they were drinking on the balcony half-warily, half-longingly
<zompist> naunai winks at dwayne
<zompist> the elementals get up, shamble off to the other large building
* DwayneElShabazz claps CapAlert on the shoulder in a fraternal manner
<zompist> "now. let's have a look at that friend of yours."
<CapAlert> well that was fun. Nice work there, 'bega boy
<Ntilde> "Hello please! We make much funny for you!"
* Surley drags over the bag of rocks that was Morwen
<zompist> the wizard stands back, concentrates.
<spinn> better hope someone's been carrying around a dustpan and brush for the various little shards and bits
<zompist> the pile of rocks assembles itself into a morwen shape
<Erik> woo!
<DwayneElShabazz> the camera pans around as everyone leans in, breath held
* Erik pulls out alcoholic beverages to everyone.
* CapAlert opens up another flask, sips
* Ntilde is seriously disoriented
<zompist> "she's missing a bit of thigh and elbow... you're sure there's not more pieces?"
* Surley looks around for pieces..
* CapAlert checks is bag
<zompist> "oh well. i'm sure you can rustle up a cure spell or two."
<CapAlert> his
* BlackDeath turns out her pockets.
<Erik> none here.
<Surley> feathers, you mean
<BlackDeath> "feathers out my pockets"?
<zompist> "want any... cosmetic improvements... while i'm at it?"
* CapAlert offers over a couple of pieces of rock stuck in his mace from the battle
<CapAlert> oh yeah
<Surley> She'd probably want a bigger chest and more agility
<CapAlert> here <scoops up sand> Here's some silicone
* DwayneElShabazz watches with bemusement
<Erik> snkkkt
<Surley> All the chick armor in this town is made for amazonian proportions, for some reason
<zompist> the magician makes a va-va-voom gesture with his hands, and morwen's chest expands significantly
<BlackDeath> what, missing a breast?
<spinn> I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hear about this
<zompist> the stone slowly turns to flesh.
<Surley> no, before the cutting-off-a-breast thing
<CapAlert> actually, she requested it, IIRC
<spinn> oh
<spinn> well in that case, someone whip up a strapless gown too
<Ntilde> Ugh. I feel like I've been stoned.
<zompist> well, she's wearing whatever she had on when she was turned to stone.
<zompist> unless some of you pervs went at her with a chisel
* CapAlert whistles nonchalantly
<Surley> snkkt.. only Andrea is an artist, and I doubt she'd want to resculpt Morwen
<Surley> nekked
<zompist> marvelling at the transformation, you don't notice what happens to the wizard, but he's gone.
<Surley> "Hey, the wizard is gone"
<Erik> fucker.
<zompist> morwen comes alive, says "Ouch. Fuck."
<Surley> Are any panthers around?
<spinn> look behind morwen's huge, ponderous boobs, maybe he's there
* Erik wanted a penis enlargement.
<zompist> no panthers. but naunai comes walking out.
* DwayneElShabazz prays for healing spells
* CapAlert goes over to Morwen and says in a raspy distorted voice "You have hibernation sickness.."
<zompist> you should have asked to be turned to stone, erik... the wiz can only work in stone
<Erik> damn!
<Erik> there goes that.
<zompist> naunai whistles. "nice rack," she suggests.
* Surley shakes his head. Nothing worse than dwarfen penis envy
<CapAlert> So, about that pursuing thing...
* Ntilde , disoriented, searches himself for treasure
* CapAlert saunters over toward naunai, flask extended
<zompist> she smiles. "i don't like dwarves."
<Ntilde> Hey! I found a scroll of invisibility!
* CapAlert drinks the flask
<CapAlert> bitch
* CapAlert walks away
<zompist> naunai gives dwayne a big hug and kiss
<DwayneElShabazz> yeah, sure, you do that NOW
<Erik> hey!
<DwayneElShabazz> you probably just want my rutabega
<zompist> "thanks for bringing your friends. it's better than that 'phonograph' thing of his."
* BlackDeath catches her breath from the fighting on a high perch, keeping an eye out for the wizard.
<Erik> i'm not a dwarf, just short and stuff.
* Ntilde walks up to naunai. "So, what's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?"
<Surley> "naunai, pleasure to have met you. And if you can thank the wizard for restoring our breastfully-endowed companion."
* DwayneElShabazz , with a vague feeling that he'll not be hanging around here much longer, decides not to be angry and kisses back, grabbing a nice handful in the process
<CapAlert> you kissass Surley
<Surley> I'm polite when I'm not in a bezerker rage.. or upset
<zompist> "hee hee," she laughs.
<spinn> turns out the wizard's a homo shapeshifter
* CapAlert says to BlackDeath "I knew she was faking that whole thing. I knew she was only leading me on"
<Ntilde> psst. Hey, CapAlert. Got any healing spells left?
<zompist> she saunters back into the hall.
<DwayneElShabazz> so. ah. where did you guy say you were going?
<CapAlert> South
<Erik> sounds like a plan.
<Surley> "naunai, if you want.. we're on our way to see Elrei. If the wizard can grant you vacation time, you are welcome to come with us."
* BlackDeath pats cap's shoulder consolingly and offers more booze.
<CapAlert> oh, booze
<CapAlert> yummy
<Erik> hey!
<Erik> i need some too!
<DwayneElShabazz> it is traditional for members of my order to go on a pilgrimage and spread the teachings. so i'm coming with you.
* CapAlert offers Dwayne a turnip
<DwayneElShabazz> nothing but cheap sluts around here anyway
<CapAlert> hungry?
<zompist> torgo reappears.
<Erik> sure.
* Erik eats the turnip.
<zompist> "vIsItInG hOuRs aRe oVeR," he notes.
* CapAlert grabs a rutabega from Dwayne and chucks it at torgo
<DwayneElShabazz> i had some jerky earlier anyway. wanna touch the hand i grabbed her with?
<Ntilde> "Damn. Wheresh that nurshe I was picking up?"
<CapAlert> we were going anyhow
<zompist> "yEs yOu wErE," says torgo, wittily.
<zompist> he indicates the gate
<spinn> if you're looking for a meaningful relationship, maybe mark can set up a series of play-by-mail lunches and boat cruises
* Erik packs his sword and his dagger.
* Surley waves goodbye and walks out
* DwayneElShabazz walks stoically away without a second glance
* Erik goes right behind Surly.
* CapAlert heads out, drinking and trying to decide if he should kill torgo
* Ntilde aimlessly walks out, still half-stoned, and probably in need of a cure spell
<zompist> "gO. iT iS tiMe fOr thE lIngErEe bAtTtlE," muses torgo, as he closes the door behind you.
<Ntilde> HINT HINT
<CapAlert> had I a spell, Ntilde, I'd cast it
<zompist> er, lIngErIe
<Ntilde> Oh.
<Surley> Lingerie
<DwayneElShabazz> we can heal you once we camp...we're all outta spells
<BlackDeath> "So, which way are we going?"
<Surley> "Will there be mud and full bodied girls involved?"
<Erik> south.
<zompist> you hear torgo's fleet footsteps, and a faint squealing
<CapAlert> Ned Beatty type squealing?
<Surley> unles torgo is the one who'll be wearing lingerie
<spinn> don't sweat it. it's probably a hall of titanic, matronly brassieres, 12 feet tall and made of jagged onyx
<Surley> Lingerie elementals
<zompist> heh
* DwayneElShabazz casts Detect Annoyed Sarcasm on spinn
<spinn> eh, that'd fail
<zompist> albacore tries a detect evil
<spinn> that, eh, that'd register about a 24%
<Surley> Anyways, we can go to that land of monsters and beef up while saving maidens and stuff, or we can go to where Elrei are playing.. according to those tickets Erik got from the dead theirf in black
<zompist> more, if people donate some mysticia
<Surley> heh
* CapAlert casts a Detect Booze and Pr0n
* Ntilde casts a Detect Crzyxcyzxyxzczxyz on himself in his addled state
<CapAlert> hey, Dwayne's reading off the chart
<Surley> mmm.. pr0n
* DwayneElShabazz glances around
<Surley> * Morwen wonders what happened to the basilisk
<zompist> yeah, i hope somebody explains to morwen how she ended up somewhere completely else
<Surley> * Andrea sketches her hand sketching her hand, etc...
<zompist> you reach gurëna... want to do anything here?
<spinn> poo
<CapAlert> rest
<CapAlert> and poo
* DwayneElShabazz hands CapAlert the "Damsels of the Ivy League" issue of High Middle Ages Society
<Surley> are the stores open, in existance?
<spinn> I bet nobody's mentioned having to poo
<BlackDeath> go shopping, get some food, drink and rest.
<Surley> honk out a dirtsnake +2
<CapAlert> well, I suggested BlackDeath poop on Kemlo
<CapAlert> but that's different
<zompist> you can find normal supplies... tell me if you want anything out of the ordinary.
<Surley> magic stuff
* DwayneElShabazz stocks up on rutabega-relates items and planting supplies
<Ntilde> Smelling salts. And spells.
<Surley> perhaps healing supplies for morwen and everyone else who's injured
<DwayneElShabazz> i need some healing poultices
* CapAlert heads over to a tavern, and sets up camp there, drinking heavily till morning
<spinn> any mario coins or double-shot powerups floating nearby?
* CapAlert passes out, snoring
<Surley> and a saucey wench
<Surley> Did the wizard forget to remove his enchantments on our weapons?
* BlackDeath sticks to supplies and cruises any interesting pawn shops or curio stores, just to shop.
<zompist> ok, you check into "The Cheap Rutabaga" and eat and rest and stuff.
<Surley> Our saucey wench supplies are low
<Surley> anyways...
* Erik gets to the room and mixes a few drinks.
<zompist> in the morning, dwayne finds a note held for him at the desk.
<Erik> anyone want one?
* DwayneElShabazz read the note
* Ntilde finds a room, plugs in his laptop to recharge it, and collapses on the bed
<Surley> It's morning now
* Erik finishes the drink.
<Erik> let's go!
* Surley orders a hearty ale
<BlackDeath> "Can you share the contents with the rest of us, dwayne?"
<DwayneElShabazz> hey guys
<DwayneElShabazz> I READ SLOW, OKAY
* BlackDeath watches dwayne's lips move.
<DwayneElShabazz> all i have to do is BEAT OFF and you all cease to EXIST
<DwayneElShabazz> naunai says th band you're after are in a royal park
<DwayneElShabazz> south of a place called "ulan"
<DwayneElShabazz> no
<DwayneElShabazz> u-l-i-a-n
<Surley> elian
<DwayneElShabazz> then she says
<DwayneElShabazz> "ask the bears...don't piss off the bears"
<Surley> damn bears!
<Ntilde> :D
<DwayneElShabazz> that's...uhh..that's all
<spinn> I say you swagger in like gangbusters and take no shit from the bears
<spinn> show the bears who's boss
<zompist> whoever's closest to dwayne smells a bit of perfume...
<Erik> what all does the bar serve? and how late are they open?
* DwayneElShabazz carefully stows the note deep within his backpack
<Surley> smells like teen elf spirit
<zompist> if drinking's your game, gurëna's your... er... your place!
<spinn> and stows his hand deep within his breeches
<zompist> hope you like rutabaga beer
<spinn> oh, no, wait; I'm reading ahead
<Surley> Did the wizard forget to remove his enchantments on our weapons?
<Erik> overnight?
<Erik> damn!
<Erik> no need to masturbate on us, now.
<zompist> surley: the enchantment slowly faded away before morning.
<Surley> damn..
<spinn> dang
<Ntilde> Yeah, isn't that the way it always works out.
<spinn> think of all the missed opportunity
<spinn> all the villages walking about unscathed
<Surley> noo!!
<zompist> oh, pontiac found a green lantern ring!
<Surley> I hate missed opportunity
<zompist> but then dropped it. oops
* Ntilde wakes up in the morning with a headache, but with mental faculties pretty much intact
<spinn> he says "fix everything except what's yellow"
<spinn> wow, what irony; gold is yellow
<spinn> see, there's the disadvantage right there
<spinn> you can't buy anything meaningful with a truckload of coppers
<Surley> gumballs?
<Surley> ten truckloads of gumballs
<spinn> 'course I suppose being able to whip up a Quiver of Arrows for Killing Anything Dead makes up for it
<DwayneElShabazz> platinum pieces are handier anyway. except in convenience stores..."NO COINS BIGGER THAN 20GP NO PRODUCE AS PAYMENT CLERK CANNOT OPEN VAULT"
<zompist> as you're having breakfast in the inn, you notice some famous cartoon heroes at the next table.
<zompist> it's snake 'n bacon!
<spinn> itchy! scratchy!
<spinn> oh
<spinn> baha
<spinn> yours is better
<zompist> "i'm real bacon," says bacon.
<spinn> you've done it again, bacon! how can we ever thank you?
<Ntilde> I guess I'm not the only one here who feels fried.
<zompist> "you can wipe me with a towel to remove excess grease."
<spinn> next game I want to be a disembodied head called Observer
<spinn> except I'm a whiny pissant
<Surley> The great Spinzoo
<Surley> Osmodiar
<spinn> I shoot purple rays from my eyes that can melt steel
<spinn> except purple clashes with my skin color so I never use it
<BlackDeath> That and pontiac's purple ring.
<Surley> yea
<DwayneElShabazz> Myxlplwhatthefuckyoulookingatkt
<Surley> howabout a fashion-centric dragon
<zompist> i think we're done, btw. :)

Heather Garvey / Raven / raven@xnet.com

I want to submit a log!